Why We Need To Talk About Robin Williams Death

Posted on August 13, 2014 by imfluffyowl

Robin taught me to laugh. From a young age I saw him as the genie and grew to love him in movies and in shows. Once I was older, mom introduced me to Mork and Mindy. I watched him in Dead Poets Society, Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, and Aladdin just to name a small few. He made me happy when I was sad.

Robin is mourned by so many because he touched so many lives. Many of us grew up with him and others are passing his work onto their children. But because he is loved by so many, this gives the public a chance to really open up about the reason why he died. The terrible responses in regards to his death and struggle have already started. While other have already started discussing the reality of depression. We need to talk about depression and suicide and I’m willing to start this discussion.

If you’ve ever read an article, interview or watched his standup act, he made no effort to really hide his struggle with depression and substance abuse. Robin ended his life because he saw no way out. Someone, anyone, who commits suicide truly sees no way out of their deep hole of misery and emptiness. You would have to be so consumed by depression that you could no longer find the fight to keep living to actually take your own life.

Here’s the thing about depression. You can’t force yourself out of it. You can’t pray your way out of it. You have no control over the feelings. Depression is poorly named. The spectrum on depression runs from having the blahs for an extended period of time to the extreme of not being able to function. And yet when people hear depression, they always expect the lower end of the spectrum with no real knowledge of the extreme. In truth, its brushed off. It’s seen as something you can ‘get past’ or you can ‘shake it off’. While for some, this is the case, for most, it truly isn’t the case.

How do I know this? Because not only do I suffer from bouts of depression, but my husband suffers from severe depression, anxiety and panic disorders. My husband has had suicidal thoughts. I’ve had to listen to my husband in his lowest moments admit to me and the nurses at an ER in the middle of the night that he’s had suicidal thoughts. I’ve had to listen to a nurse ask him if he ‘made a plan’ without batting an eyelash, as if that was the next logical question. Which when you think about it, it really is the next logical question. It broke me. The first thing I wanted to ask is, am I not enough to keep you happy? Is living with me so bad? I instantly went to me and what I was doing wrong, but I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and neither was he. He has a chemical imbalance that affects all areas of his life. It has nothing to do with how happy I make him. He loves me. He loves our life. I know that he loves me more than words can express. I’ve been told that sometimes the only reason he keeps fighting is because of me and his all consuming love for me. But this chemical imbalance in his brain makes it hard for him to sometimes do basic things like getting up out of bed and getting dressed, hanging out with friends or even talking. These basic functions are sometimes impossible during what I call a low spell, an attack or an episode. So while I get mad because he won’t talk to me, the truth is that he can’t. He truly can’t and there is nothing either of us can do to fix it.

Our own infertility diagnosis doesn’t help it at all. In fact, it adds to his depression. It is the main trigger for my own bouts of depression. And when I say depression, I don’t mean having the blahs. I mean crying constantly, shutting down almost completely and not getting out of bed for days on end.

My husband is thankfully doing so much better than that night. That was his rock bottom. Now his medication has been readjusted, just as it will be readjusted for the rest of his life. We finally found a psychologist that was willing to do anything other than just medicate him until he was numb. We had to go outside of our mental health system around here. We pay out of pocket, but its worth it. He goes to physio once a week to help build his muscle strength back up. This winter was hard, extreme depression and a lot of low points coupled with a change in diet had my husband drop over 100 pounds. The physio helps his body while the psychologist helps his mind. He still has bad days, but the days aren’t quite as bad and it doesn’t last for quite as long. He’s committed to fight and I’m so proud. His end goal? To be a dad and to be able to enter the work force again and become a functional member of society. He has no grand schemes, he wants to be healthy and active again.

~~~

The reason we need to talk about Robin’s death and about depression and suicide in general is that people don’t talk about depression until someone famous dies from it. Mental Health in our country is in shambles. No one wants to talk about it and no one will recognize that this is becoming a major problem. Since it is not a physical injury, its hard to get ER doctors and nurses to take it seriously. They won’t really do anything unless you admit to trying to hurt yourself or others. Since they have no physical booboo to fix, they suggest that you go home and come back to see someone from Crisis in the morning since they only keep 9-5 operation hours. Because no one tries to kill themselves at 3 am. That’s foolishness. You can have yourself committed, but once in there, they will drug you to numb everything instead of dealing with the issue head on.

Funding and resources easily available to the public are desperately needed for mental health. I know, myself and my mother in law have begged doctors, nurses, helplines for help. What we get in return in a run around of “we don’t deal with that, see this person”. We need more resources and doctors and nurses willing to take it seriously and treat it.We shouldn’t have to wait months for a referral to a psychologist just to have a 15 minute appointment and them suggest that you take drugs to numb yourself instead of addressing the issue and finding ways to cope and manage with the condition. Someone dealing with severe depression needs to see professionals who specialize in depression regularly, not every 3 months. They need proper SSRI’s to deal with the chemical imbalances. They need to talk to psychologists. They need to know they have support. They need to know that medical professionals are taking them seriously.

~~~

Robin was not weak.

He simply fought so hard and for so long that he simply couldn’t fight anymore. Someone dealing with debilitating depression has to either fight through it everyday or let it take them over. Robin fought til he couldn’t fight anymore. The act itself was selfish in so much that it was something he did to himself, but he wasn’t selfish. He did not do this for attention, he did this because he was suffering and couldn’t handle it anymore.

Now a family who watched him fight for so long have to learn to live without him. To Robin’s wife and 3 children: I send love, light and peace during this heart breaking time. And know that he didn’t end his life because he doesn’t love you, he no doubt loved you more than life itself. He just simply couldn’t fight anymore.

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression or may have thoughts of suicide, please seek medical attention. You are not weak for feeling this way. People can help you. Go to your doctor, an emergency room or call a suicide prevention hotline.

Click here for a list of Canadian National List of hotlines and websites.

Click here for links to International information and support lines.

Suicide should never be the answer. But lets not let what Robin and others like him did, be in vain. Let’s talk about it. Let’s make mental health an important issue. Let’s show the world that dealing with this does not make you weak. Let’s fight for the resources so desperately needed. Let’s fight for those that can’t fight for themselves.

~~~

The academy posted a picture after the news of Robin’s death hit the media. I cry every time I see it. They sum it up in one heart wrenching image:

Genie, you're free. pic.twitter.com/WjA9QuuldD

— The Academy (@TheAcademy) August 12, 2014

Yes genie, you’re free.

Rest easy Robin. May you finally find peace.

Women Need To Talk About Their Reproductive Health

Posted on January 28, 2014 by imfluffyowl

Sex Education.

Why are schools and teachers so scared of Sex Education?

Huffington Post had an article about women and their knowledge of reproductive health, and sadly, I wasn’t surprised by the results:

“In addition to incomplete understanding of reproductive concepts, the survey also showed that many women who were not actively attempting to get pregnant nevertheless had concerns about their ability to do so down the road. Among the women not currently trying to conceive, 40 percent said they were worried about their ability to get pregnant once they started trying, and 20 percent said they thought they might need fertility treatment.”

When I was in high school, our sex education was a sad state of affairs.

Picture this:

Band class of 30 students, 26 girls to 4 boys. Junior high. Our male gym teacher is given the task of teaching health class as part of his gym duties. The male teacher is young, teaching only a couple of years and not really trained on how to teach sex ed. He blushes as he passes out the sex ed books and looks mortified to teach 26 girls and 4 guys about reproductive health, safe sex, ovulation, a woman’s cycle and the male reproductive organs. His embarassment brushes off on us because he doesn’t take the lead and tell us its nothing to be embarassed about. His lectures are made up of him reading page for page out of an already outdated sex ed book and his prep for tests are, ‘read this section and those 3 sections because that is where the questions on the test are coming from’. He powered through it, never encouraged open discussion, never asked if we had any questions and once we powered through it, he tells us to read amongst ourselves but doesn’t say a word when we all put our books away and chat amongst ourselves for the rest of the class.

On top of that, he never shows us how to properly put on a condom, he powered through the lesson on birth control for women, and his final statement was “don’t have sex.”

Sounds funny and completely unprofessional right?

Yeah, this was my sex education in junior high. This is where my first bit of knowledge, outside of my parents short talks with me, of my reproductive health came from.

He left us feeling that it was uncomfortable and wrong to talk about our sexual health. No one felt comfortable talking to him about more information. No one knew that there was more information out there.

My parents, as much as I love them, didn’t really offer me enough information for me to remember it. I know we had “the talk” but I don’t remember the details and the gist of it was wait til you are older to have sex and when you do, make sure you use protection. Mom was great about talking about my first period but the sex side of the talk was lacking. Of course it was approached awkwardly and I was a teenager and fed off of their awkwardness and still to this day will find it hard to talk about sex education without first having to push down the awkward feelings that comes with it.

I spent at least 10 years not knowing that my thyroid could affect my reproductive health. I didn’t know that my levels were as high as they were. I only learned in the past couple of months that its possible that my extremely high thyroid levels may have stopped my ovulation and I possibly haven’t ovulated since before I started dating my husband. The doctors truly don’t know how long I’ve gone without ovulating. I ovulated for the first time in possibly a decade, maybe more, last cycle. I always thought I ovulated because I got my period. I never knew that just because I bleed a couple of days every cycle, it doesn’t actually mean that I’m ovulating.

When I finally decided that something wasn’t right, I had to bring proof to my doctor. He ran the tests when I asked, but he was never forthcoming with me about any of this, even though he’s been my doctor since childhood. I had to research my options. I had to beg my own doctor to help my husband because my husbands doctor didn’t know how to send a referral. I was the one who found my clinic. I was the one who made contact. I was the one calling for results. I was the one doing the research and asking the questions. I was the one who took to the internet and googled infertility at a moment of pure panic and pain. I was the one who found the infertility blogging community and it was their help and resources that helped me get the education I so desperately lacked.

~~~

I’m out to family and friends about our infertility. I don’t hide our struggles despite how it makes some people around me feel uncomfortable. Despite people telling me that its all I talk about and that its not something I should be public about. I post information. I remind people to ask questions about their reproductive health and to seek second and third opinions when their doctor won’t help.

Then something happened.

People I knew. People I went to school with, that I worked with, family, friends of the family, people that were friends of friends started approaching me privately. Messages telling me that they thought they were the only ones. Messages telling me that I wasn’t alone. People telling me that they were scared and didn’t know what to do. People who silently dealt with this for years and never knew that there were options or that there were even fertility clinics and doctors who specialize in infertility in both men and women. I carry their secrets and check on them regularly, but they push me to talk.

I want women to be prepared. To have the knowledge. To know how their body works. To not be ashamed of their reproductive health and to have easy access to support, information and resources. I want them to be comfortable learning and talking about their bodies at a young age. I want teachers properly educated on teaching sex ed and be comfortable enough to approach it much the way other topics and subjects are approached. We should not be ashamed of our bodies. We should not be uncomfortable talking about our bodies and how they work. This isn’t something we should have to fight for.

Something needs to change. And I’m no longer scared or ashamed to step up and speak up. We need to be the change.

If you are a parent, talk to your kids about their reproductive health, but also teach them that there is nothing to be embarassed about. Don’t shame kids. Don’t think your job is done when you say “don’t have sex” or “put a condom on it”. Ask them what they know. Have open dialogue. Push for better sex ed in your child’s school. Remember, kids are curious and they will experiment no matter how much your tell them not to. So prepare them for that as much as you can.

They deserve that much. We all do.

Why It’s Important To Talk To Kids About Bullying

Posted on October 24, 2013 by imfluffyowl

I’m a Brownie leader with Girl Guides of Canada. This is my second year since I got back into Guiding and I love every single minute of it. I love the age group I get to work with. They are at that perfect age of old enough to work independently on a craft or project and still young enough to enjoy the fun games/songs/crafts without boredom kicking in and little to no pre-teen attitude. For most of our girls, Brownies gives them so many opportunities. For most, Brownie camp is their first night away from home. When the four leaders in our group get together (and the other three happen to be my cousin and two of my friends), we plan the programs for each week to benefit them. We find new crafts, games and activities that benefit them. We go to conference every two years to take seminars to learn how to help them make the most of their time with us. For many of our girls, we are a listening ear that they may not have elsewhere. We might be their first introduction to crafts and singing and really enjoying the moment.

Last year we were really lucky. We had a great group of girls, no glaring problems and no need to get parents involved if issues did arise. Personality wise, everything was as smooth as you can get. But this year I was reminded that even though last year was smooth sailing, it doesn’t mean that all years will be smooth sailing. Each year is a new surprise for us. And we got our first taste of that last week.

Each year, we like to let the girls play around amongst themselves while we wait for everyone to arrive. It gives the girls a chance to blow off some of their energy, but also because it gives us a chance to observe them. We waited almost a month before we separated them into their respective groups. We want to watch for who hangs around with each other and look for possible personality clashes. But we also watch for any other issues as well, primarily, early signs of bullying. So far, the girls have been great. No glaring issues. We try to separate the girls who are glued to each other, just so that they will be encouraged to make new friends and not rely on their best friend. We also look at personality clashes and separate them in order to help things run smoothly. Every decision we make is to help optimize the girls experiences. We want them to have the best experience possible.

Last week, we had a field trip to our local fire department for fire prevention month. But as me and one of the other leaders were making the rounds to help with an activity, we caught two of the girls chanting an unflattering name to one of the other girls over and over again. They were trying to upset her and were taking enjoyment from upsetting her. We watched the girl being taunted and she went from smiling to dropping her head and looking like she was ready to cry. It broke my heart. Myself and the other leader instantly put a stop to it. We got after the two girls and explained why it was mean to do that and that they were to apologize to the other girl or we would call their parents and have them sent home. They apologized. While the other leader checked on the girl being taunted, I sat with the two girls and asked if they knew why they were apologizing and they told me that it was because it was wrong. So I told them that it wasn’t just wrong, but it was mean. I asked them how they would feel if the other girl had chanted those things to them. Or if anyone had chanted something like that to them. They got very quiet and admitted that they wouldn’t like it. So I asked them why they felt it was OK to do that to someone else. The girls remained quiet for the rest of the night and we checked on the other girl to ask how she was feeling. She seemed to bounce back but I still worried about her. The rest of the night went smoothly, incident free.

This is the first real instance of bullying that I’ve had to deal with at this age level. After the girls went home, we filled the other leader in on what happened and agreed that we would have to watch the three girls in the future and bump up our bullying program into the next couple of weeks instead of later in the year like we planned. Girl Guides has a full program for all groups to go over with our girls about bullying and how to handle it.

But as much as we work with the girls not to bully and to be nice to everyone, we are truly limited by how much we can do. We can talk to them, we can address it when we see it happen, we can call parents when other avenues don’t work, but we can’t enforce it at home.

And that’s where the parents come in. If you are a parent, guardian, aunt, uncle or grandparent, please talk to your kids about bullying. Always have open dialogue about it. Practice situations with them where they are bullied, or they see someone else bullied and teach them to speak up about it. Teach them to go to an adult when they see bullying happening. Because even though we caught two girls bullying another, what makes it more sad is that the other girls seen it and didn’t speak up about it. Had we not caught this, not one of those girls who seen it would’ve spoken up about it to myself or the other leaders. And the one being bullied wouldn’t think to tell us how she was treated.

There are three parts to bullying: the one doing the bullying, the one being bullied and the people watching it who let it happen. Our kids need to know how to recognize it, how to approach it and how to handle it. And I’ll do my part as a leader. But no matter how hard I try to prevent it, if you as a parent or guardian are not doing your part as well, then it’s a lost cause. Please help your child’s teachers and sports and group leaders prevent bullying. Continue the education at home. Talk to your children. Please.

For information about talking to your child about bullying please check out the link provided below:

http://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/talking-about-it/

Creating Families Magazine

Posted on April 3, 2013 by imfluffyowl

So a couple of months ago, IAAC’s (Infertility Awareness Association of Canada) Facebook group put our a call for people dealing with infertility willing to share their story that may then be published in an upcoming publication of Creating Families magazine. When the information was released, I shared the information on my Facebook wall and wrote up the condensed version of what happened to us over the past four years and sent it off, not even giving it a passing thought afterwards.

About a week later, I received an email from someone at IAAC to let me know that they received my email and thanked me for taking part. The woman went on to write that she would pass it along to the editor of Creating Families and not really promising anything. If there was enough interest and response to the call for stories, they may move forward with it and if they moved forward, someone would contact me if they choose to use my story. Again, I thought nothing of it. I figured the call for stories would flop and I’d hear nothing, or if it moved forward my story probably wouldn’t make the cut anyway. I sort of have luck like that. Regularly overlooked so I do it anyway and forget about it.

Until this afternoon. I went to pick up movie tickets for me and a friend and her husband to see The Host tonight and when I got back to town, I went to the gym to get a nice long workout in since I knew I was gonna let myself have a snack tonight. So I get in from the gym and I’m about to make supper when I get an email from the editor of Creating Families magazine. She was writing me to not only thank me for sharing my story with her but that she would also like to publish it in their fall issue.

I read it once.
Laughed to myself.
Read it again.
Checked the date to make sure it still wasn’t April Fool’s Day and this wasn’t some funny joke hubby decided to play on me.
Read it again.
Smiled.

She asked for some updated information as a fill in since I sent the story probably almost 2 months ago and asked me to send some pictures of me and hubby to accompany the write up.

I don’t know how the write up will be presented but it will be in the September issue. The infertility advocate in me is squeeing with joy right now. Our story will be getting out there. Our fight with doctors will not be in vain. Maybe someone will read it and find the strength to speak up and demand answers from their doctors when otherwise they would’ve put up with it. The other side of me is kind of shocked silent. It doesn’t entirely feel real.

But regardless, I think something pretty cool happened today.

Canadian Government Loses Important Personal Information

Posted on January 16, 2013 by imfluffyowl

I was going to finish up my post that was a response of sorts to Mel’s post yesterday about Facebook but something else came up that dragged away my attention and honestly its something that needs to be shared.

For anyone not living in Canada or who has been living under a rock, yesterday Facebook exploded when angry Canadians found out that if they received student loans between 2000 and 2006, their information may have been lost by the Canadian government office in Quebec dealing with student loans.

The National Post reported that

Human Resources and Skills Development Canada said Friday the device contained data on 583,000 Canada Student Loans Program borrowers from 2000 to 2006.

The missing files include student names, social insurance numbers, dates of birth, contact information and loan balances of borrowers, as well as the personal contact information of 250 department employees.

Really? REALLY?!?

Almost 600,000 Canadian citizens who applied and received student loans between the years of 2000 and 2006 had their student loan info along with personal information that could be used in a fraudulent nature and identity theft, was trusted on a USB flash drive and just disappeared out of one of the main offices located in Quebec. What’s worse about this is that this happened in November of 2012 and the information is only being released now.

This scares me. I graduated in 2001 and applied for student loans for each year that I was in school. I haven’t gotten any letter yet, but I’ve also moved since this happened. Both myself and my husband have to call tomorrow and try to find out if we are affected by it. If we are one of the 583,000, not only is our information not safe, but our parents information is just as unprotected as you have to give their personal information upon applying for student loan. You need to confirm your parents income to qualify.

Finally, staff will be subject to disciplinary measures, including possible firing, should privacy and security codes not be followed.

This is the part that kills me. “Including possible firing”? There is a major security breach, one of the biggest in Canadian history where the personal data of almost 600,000 Canadians was lost and all you can say that there may be possible firings? No, NO, you find the fool who let this information disappear, you fire them for their stupidity and make them an example to everyone else in the office. Unions should not protect for this sort of stupidity.

My post has a two-fold message.

1. If you are a Canadian citizen who applied and received student loans between 2000 and 2006, please follow the link above to call student loan offices to see if you are one of the 583,000 people affected. This isn’t s joke but a major security risk for all involved.

2. My complete and utter anger at the government. To wait this long to make the public known and all that the Human Resources Minister can say is that this is a grave issue and they are looking into it? The least that the government should do is negate all the student loans affected to these people. They should first and foremost take every action necessary to track any fraudulent activity on each person affected. You screw up and leak our personal info, we should not be held accountable and you should do something to ease the stress. Clearing the student loan balances of these people is really only the first step in that.

I will continue to keep you posted.

UPDATE

Apparently I’m not on the list but my husband is. Along with a handful of our friends and a large number of the people who I went to university with. When my husband called they apologized for the breach, gave us information for contacting equifax and Canadian trans union to track anything suspicious. They are also tracking everyone on the list for any “suspicious” activity. There is also a class action lawsuit in the works against the government of Canada for the breach that everyone on the list can take part in. We are now waiting for information to arrive from the government offices to break down what happened and what’s next.

I still ask everyone who had student loans during 2000-2006 to please call 1(866)-885-1866 to check on your status. It only takes 2 minutes to call and go through the check.

Can Your Spouse Truly Be Your Best Friend?

Posted on February 28, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Redbook magazine posted a link on twitter to one of their stories looking for feedback. The article was about who takes the leadership role in your relationship. The article was interesting, set to grab your attention and make you take a stance. And I do have a stance. A rather vocal one at that. But while reading the article and forming my own opinion, it also brought up another question that raises just as many thoughts and that is simply, can your spouse truly be your best friend?

So I’ll break this down for you. The article summed up is written by the author after she went to a church meeting with a speaker. The speaker’s point of view on marriage is that the woman should always be submissive to their husband because that’s what the bible tells us. The author strongly disagrees with the speakers point of view and she weighs whether one spouse should hold the role of leader vs. having an equal partnership and making decisions together.

“Call me idealistic or young and naïve, but my ideal situation with my man would be an equal one, where if an issue arises, we solve it together. And if there’s a decision that needs to be made, we’ll weigh the pros and cons, and then make the decision together. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work? I mean, whatever happened to “equal partnerships” and making decisions together—without someone having a slightly higher status or? Is that even possible? Are romantic relationships ever truly equal?”

While I see her positive outlook and understand it, I also don’t agree with it. (Bare with me, I’ll get to my point and explain it in detail.) My issue is that ideally, while in a perfect marriage in a perfect situation this would work. But none of us are in a perfect marriage. None of us are in the perfect situation. All of us walk into our marriage with issues (small or big, we all have them). And of course there are outside factors. Are you living with a parent/taking care of an elderly parent? Do you have a high enough paying job to live comfortably? Do you have bills that you worry about? Did your car break down the other day on the way to work and you suddenly need a lot of money you don’t have to fix it? Did one of you lose your job due to no fault of your own? You see where I’m going with this, right? No matter what, our marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect and honestly there is no “perfect”.

But while we don’t have the elusive “perfect” life, we all do our best to make our marriage run as smoothly as possible. Saying that, most couples have found their way in their relationship, they have found the way that makes it all work for them. It’s not perfect, it has many flaws, but at the end of the day, the good mostly outweighs the bad. They have a system that works for them. Maybe you aim to have the best equal partnership that you both can manage. Some people are great at working together on everything to make it all happen. Others, not so much. So for the sake of this argument (discussion?), I will use my own marriage as an example:

Chris and I will be together 9 years on May 31st of this year. We will be married 3 years on September 5th of this year. We were engaged for two of those years. We have lived together for almost 5 of those 9 years. We are a fairly easy going couple and the bulk of our fighting has emerged with the stress of infertility. We fight like any couple but usually its a bit of bickering and we move on. Or aim is to be equals in the marriage. And for the most part, we can be. But we have learned that by being equal in the partnership, we have not come to that by me being completely submissive to him, or him be completely submissive to me, or even us sitting down and talking about everything together and coming to a decision as a couple. We have found our stride is making sure that all big decisions (buying a house or car, deciding to have kids, seek help for our infertility…) we make as a couple. We weigh the pros and cons and make the most informed decision we can. But in doing that, we have also learned to let each other be the “leader” where their strengths clearly are far more superior to our own. We don’t buy groceries together, he has no say, its all me. Again with the kitchen, all me. Where he clearly leads, he takes the lead. Organizing our bills, paying the bills and setting up a budget are his strong points.

You are probably agreeing with some of this and saying, sure Kim, that’s normal. We all do this. But I also would ask to take the discussion just a bit farther. We do not just have our strong points where we become leaders, but we also have periods of time where one is clearly the leader over the other. For instance, my husband is recovering from a bad break in his ankle, that required surgery. Since he hurt himself, I have clearly stepped into the leader role. I take care of everything. I am the breadwinner in the family right now and I am caring for him, therefore I am in the leader role. I don’t really want to, but I am. This also happened with my mother when my father took his heart attack 7 years ago and required a triple bypass surgery, followed by an emergency corrective surgery and a lung surgery just 3 months later. And last summer, I was also the leader while my husbands anxiety disorder got out of whack and his meds needed to be changed and adjusted. If I had relied on him, we would have been lost. But during other times like when we got our infertility diagnosis or I lost my job and felt hopeless, he took over the leader role. We simply transition in and out of the roles as we need to. And sometimes, you need a leader instead of a collective partnership when it comes to decisions.

So that’s where I disagree with both the speaker at the church and the author of the article. I think for a marriage to really work, its a lot of give and take. But, it’s also a lot of switching roles as necessary in order to keep things running smoothly. Things can’t always be resolved as an equal partnership. Sometimes, I think, you need one person to take the reigns and make the decisions on behalf of the two. I think some form of leadership is necessary, but not in a submissive way. What are your thoughts on the article and my interpretation of the article?

But while collecting my thoughts for the response to the article, it brought me to another thought. Many people who claim to use an equal partnership role for everything tend to always state in their response, “well my spouse is my best friend! We don’t make any decision without consulting the other for their opinion first!” (as a side note, I have no scientific proof to back this up, just my experiences alone) And sure my first thought on that is on the sarcastic side and I tend to come back with, “well, do you ask your husband for an opinion on what book you are going to read next, or what webpage you are gonna visit next? What about supper? Do you always ask your husband’s input on what to make before you actually start supper?” And sure, maybe some people do that. But I don’t. But what grabs me immediately is usually the statement of “my spouse is my best friend”. And here’s my thing, I don’t consider my husband to be my best friend. And I never have.

I have not once labelled my husband as my best friend and my husband does not consider me his best friend either. I have best friends, as does my husband. But we do not play that role for each other. My husband is many things in my world without being my best friend. He’s my spouse, my lover, someone who helps me make decisions, someone who makes me happy, someone who I love with all my heart. We have a very tender and loving relationship. But we are not best friends. My best friends are people who simply play a different role in my life. I know in some cases where your spouse has been your best friend as a child and grew into more, but for many you meet your husband later in your life. Friends are the people that play a specific role in your life. Generally, they are the ones that have been there through a growing period in our life. They are helpful and caring and loving. We are close and love each other for who they are but that love is so different from the love that I share with my husband. But with Chris, he just doesn’t fit that title. My husband is so much more than a friend. I wouldn’t even go so far as to label him my soul mate either (mostly because I don’t believe in soul mates), but he is important to me (so very important to me) in a way that bears no comparison to my friends. It’s like comparing apples and oranges, cats and dogs or black and white. Sure they have a common factor but they fill such completely different roles that they simply cannot be put into the same category. Now, as I finish off this post, I feel the need to point out that I don’t think my way of thinking is right or wrong, just my thoughts. To each their own. But that leads me to ask: Do you refer to your spouse as your best friend? If so, why/why not? Do your thoughts differ from mine? Please share your thoughts in the comments, I welcome any discussion as I’m curious as to what you think about it as well.

Is It Really About The Kids?

Posted on October 26, 2011 by imfluffyowl

So, while doing my daily check ins on my friends on facebook, I seen that this article was quickly making the rounds on the walls of my friends who have children, and these mothers are praising the article like its the cure to cancer. I have always been the person to see both sides of the argument and this is no exception. I will go into detail about this article in a minute but I just want to make a point here. I am in no way against mothers who have children. You have an amazing gift that is rather time consuming. A child is a part of your life, a very big part. Its something that I crave on a very basic level on a daily basis. So what I say has nothing to do with my jealousy of those that do have children. I am childfree right now, but not by choice. I’m fighting for this chance every. single. day. I want to be run off my feet from chasing a child or children around the house. I want to go to work with no sleep because the baby didn’t sleep. I want the aches and pains that come with motherhood. So please remember this as the post continues.

First, my issue with this post is that the person asking the question did not do a great job at covering his/her issue properly and eloquently. They could have found a better way to ask. But I think the person answering this question took sarcasm way over the line. Both parties could have taken a different route and still got their message clearly across.

Now my other issues, which I will put as eloquently as I can, is that I both agree and disagree with the article. I understand that mothers are run off their feet. I understand that parents are always exhausted. That there are sleepless nights, puking babies, kids crawling all over your while you do the simplest of chores or tasks. But the author makes it seem that because they are a mother that they are clearly the only ones who know what an exhausting day is. That this is the only type of exhaustion there can be. This author, in my view, also makes it seem reasonable for a friend to forget her other friends and stop contact and it be OK because she simply has children. I honestly think that this is a choice. Sure, yes you are busy, yes you are tired and maybe you don’t have as much time for your friend as you used to, but that doesn’t make it OK to stop contact or stop having any time for friend. Sure, you are on the go non-stop, but so are the rest of us. And where we don’t have children, we clearly have things that step into its place. What about the person working two full time jobs, or someone who is caring for an elderly dying family member, or someone dealing with things on a highly emotional level. How many infertile women feel exhausted at the end of the work day because we are just trying to get through the day without crying or letting the hopeless feeling take over us? Then we come home to see our friends complaining about the one thing we are willing to do just about anything to have. For some of us, we are simply on the edge of a cliff called depression waiting for that one last push to knock us tumbling down into depression. I believe that there are two different types of people, those that genuinely do not have time because of their kids but still communicate, and those that really do use their children as an excuse to get out of stuff that they feel are beneath them or just not worth their time anymore. And sadly, I have friends with kids who fall into one or the other of these two categories.

I, as a childless (for now) friend, have always shown understanding to my friends with children. I’ve always shown extreme patience, have taken broken plans with a grain of salt and have always given the benefit of the doubt. I know that the kids come first. I understand that its hard to just drop everything and go out for coffee. I understand that things like sitters need to be set up. Hell, sometimes I’ve been that babysitter for friends so that they could go grocery shopping without having to bundle up multiple children, or give them a break to go out on a date with their husband. I’ve been the friend willing to come to you if you don’t have a sitter. I come with coffee and food just to catch up for a bit. I invite you and your child over just so we can catch up. I know you are tired, I know you have things keeping you busy in your life, but I do not feel that I should be the only one attempting contact. If you have friends and you truly love and care about them, then I am of the mindset that you at least attempt to keep them in your life. The friendship was a two way street at first, so why should that change? I’m not asking you to drop everything you are doing just to hang out with me, but a simple email catching up or a text message or an invite to something from your end will do as much for the friendship as me doing it. It should not be entirely on the childless friend to make this contact. How is that fair?

As I have said, I have friends with children who fall into one or the other category. I have a friend who has 5 children. A friend who I hold very close to my heart. A friend who understands me, my struggles and doesn’t judge me. Her kids are aged 16, 13, 10, 4, and 2. They are a handful and she is a wonderful mother. But regardless of how busy her family keeps her, she keeps in contact with me. She has the amazing ability to just know (with no extra knowledge on her part) when I really need someone to talk to or just sit with and she tracks me down. We rarely get to go anywhere other than her house and if we plan on going out together, she has to plan well in advance to get a sitter, so most times we simply stay at her place. A normal day for us is the two of us on her couch or relaxing on her front step with kids crawling over both of us while we talk. We are regularly interrupted by kids, husbands, pets. But its still our time together and we make the friendship work. She finds time for me in her life, she openly accepts me into her life, regardless of her work, husband, 5 kids and menagerie of pets. And I openly accept her life, her family and adjust my idea of a girls night or an evening out just so that I can still have that friendship with her.

I also have other friends who have less children but both work and go to school on top of it, and they still find time in their day to send me texts or call me just to say hi and check in. Earlier in the week, I got a text from said friend just saying, “Hey love, I miss you!! Coffee soon? I might have to take the kid, depending on the day, k?” And those short calls, texts, and attempts mean the world to me for the simple fact that they found time for me in their busy day. They showed me that I am a part of their life. We may not get out for coffee for another 2 weeks, but this time, she made contact and I really don’t care if the kid comes along. She plays while we play catch up. They don’t use their kids as an excuse. I have a friend who is a single mom to a handsome boy who owns my heart the second he looks at my with those baby blue eyes of his. Getting out to hang out can, more often than not, be difficult. But her way of keeping in touch with me are calls and inviting me to do stuff with her and her son. If I don’t hear from her in a week, I call. If she doesn’t hear from me in over a week, she calls me knowing that I’m getting caught up in my own thoughts and I need to decompress over some girl chat. I’m regularly invited to parties, day trips, road trips, drives, and birthdays with her and her son. They take no offense if I am the one busy, but there is always welcoming arms for me as the childless friend. And I love them for that. Isn’t that what friendship should be? Just understanding and being there for each other? Open communication, honesty and understanding from both parties?

Then there are other friends who always have a new reason why they don’t contact me or ask me to hang out. Or who get after me when I don’t contact them but they might message me once or twice a month under the guise of “oh, I’ve been busy” While their facebook or twitter walls show that they have been playing games or doing stuff with other people. And when I ask if they want to get together, give them all my free days off to hang out and they never get back to me. These people simply tell me some variation of the same excuse that the person in the article articulates rather poorly. There is always something going on with the kids. The kids are sick or the kids had a playdate with another of their friends who have kids. They have an excuse for every event they are invited to or they say they are gonna be there and they just don’t show up and don’t tell you. I’m not saying that they are bad people for it, but in some cases, it makes them a bad friend (a bit). And I’m not saying I’m innocent either. Sometimes I don’t contact them. Sometimes I forget to get back in touch with them. And sure, my other friends sometimes cancel. Their kids get sick and their kids have events to go to, but they at least tell me and try to reschedule. But I’ve learned that these main offenders that I have issues with are the same people that always had excuses readily available in the past, just insert a different topic instead of kids. So in this case, I do feel that some mothers like to blame their kids for their lack of communication, when really its just an excuse to get them out of something. And sure, sometimes its a valid reason, but when someone uses that excuse so many times, its hard to tell when the valid ones are, well, valid…

So, when it comes to the article, I agree and disagree with the author. I agree that being a mother is a wonderful but exhausting gift that you don’t get a day off from. But I disagree with the fact that this is always a valid excuse to use when it comes to friendships. And if you are making that many excuses, are you making these excuses because you are tired or because you can’t be bothered to work on the friendship? I have a husband and I know that sometimes I use him as an excuse to get out of things I don’t want to attend, but on more occasions than I can count, I have forced myself to go to an event because it was expected of me and maybe I’ll get to see those friends who don’t normally have time for me. Both of my grandparents health are poor and they are clearly in their final years of their life. Its tiring on my entire family. On top of that, I work a full time job. I have a husband who suffers from an anxiety disorder, and he’s adjusting to a new medicine which is trying on both of us because his attacks are happening so much more often than normal. The attacks themselves are exhausting on both of us. We spend a lot of time at hospitals when hes trying to regulate his meds. We deal with our infertility every single day. It’s all consuming. We are trying desperately to figure out how we will afford just one round of treatment if we have to go that far in our struggle. Sure we don’t have a kid, but this would be exhausting to the average person, child or not. Mentally and physically, I am exhausted. All the time. But I still find time for my friends, to keep in contact. But over the past couple of months, while I have worked to grow a thicker skin, I started giving to those that give to me. I want the friendships where the work is a even give and take. I am making the effort, but only for the people who make the effort for me. This may sound selfish, but I think its OK to be selfish in this. I am learning to mirror the effort. I have spent too many years putting effort into friendships where they didn’t give any effort or care to me. I will give my friends what they give me. If they don’t have time for me, I won’t have time for them. And it has nothing to do with their kids.

A single, child-free friend helped me come to this realization when I met up with her and she confronted me about my lack of contact with her. She questioned whether it was because she couldn’t possibly understand my struggles, so I pulled away. And I think, deep down, that was part of it. We grew apart and it was weird for a while. She was my maid of honor and then we just stopped talking. But she confronted me and talked to me and asked me to explain it and asked what she could do to help and offered what advice she had and let me be me and we found ourselves again. We’re not perfect and we still need work but she helped open my eyes to my errors and in turn has given me the gift of a second chance and helped me to see the errors in my other friendships which when approached, will help make my life smoother and drama free. So thank you S for that gift. Thank you for giving me the chance to work on this friendship again. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for pulling the reigns and doing something that many do not have the guts to do. I’m taking from you and moving towards the next step in my life. This is my first real approach to my friends on this topic. But I doubt it will be my last.

I also welcome anyone’s thoughts on this article. Do you agree with me? Do you disagree? Do you agree with the author? Or the person asking the question? Please share in the comments if you have any thoughts. You don’t have to have a blog to have an opinion! :o)

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
― Mark Twain