Women Need To Talk About Their Reproductive Health

Posted on January 28, 2014 by imfluffyowl

Sex Education.

Why are schools and teachers so scared of Sex Education?

Huffington Post had an article about women and their knowledge of reproductive health, and sadly, I wasn’t surprised by the results:

“In addition to incomplete understanding of reproductive concepts, the survey also showed that many women who were not actively attempting to get pregnant nevertheless had concerns about their ability to do so down the road. Among the women not currently trying to conceive, 40 percent said they were worried about their ability to get pregnant once they started trying, and 20 percent said they thought they might need fertility treatment.”

When I was in high school, our sex education was a sad state of affairs.

Picture this:

Band class of 30 students, 26 girls to 4 boys. Junior high. Our male gym teacher is given the task of teaching health class as part of his gym duties. The male teacher is young, teaching only a couple of years and not really trained on how to teach sex ed. He blushes as he passes out the sex ed books and looks mortified to teach 26 girls and 4 guys about reproductive health, safe sex, ovulation, a woman’s cycle and the male reproductive organs. His embarassment brushes off on us because he doesn’t take the lead and tell us its nothing to be embarassed about. His lectures are made up of him reading page for page out of an already outdated sex ed book and his prep for tests are, ‘read this section and those 3 sections because that is where the questions on the test are coming from’. He powered through it, never encouraged open discussion, never asked if we had any questions and once we powered through it, he tells us to read amongst ourselves but doesn’t say a word when we all put our books away and chat amongst ourselves for the rest of the class.

On top of that, he never shows us how to properly put on a condom, he powered through the lesson on birth control for women, and his final statement was “don’t have sex.”

Sounds funny and completely unprofessional right?

Yeah, this was my sex education in junior high. This is where my first bit of knowledge, outside of my parents short talks with me, of my reproductive health came from.

He left us feeling that it was uncomfortable and wrong to talk about our sexual health. No one felt comfortable talking to him about more information. No one knew that there was more information out there.

My parents, as much as I love them, didn’t really offer me enough information for me to remember it. I know we had “the talk” but I don’t remember the details and the gist of it was wait til you are older to have sex and when you do, make sure you use protection. Mom was great about talking about my first period but the sex side of the talk was lacking. Of course it was approached awkwardly and I was a teenager and fed off of their awkwardness and still to this day will find it hard to talk about sex education without first having to push down the awkward feelings that comes with it.

I spent at least 10 years not knowing that my thyroid could affect my reproductive health. I didn’t know that my levels were as high as they were. I only learned in the past couple of months that its possible that my extremely high thyroid levels may have stopped my ovulation and I possibly haven’t ovulated since before I started dating my husband. The doctors truly don’t know how long I’ve gone without ovulating. I ovulated for the first time in possibly a decade, maybe more, last cycle. I always thought I ovulated because I got my period. I never knew that just because I bleed a couple of days every cycle, it doesn’t actually mean that I’m ovulating.

When I finally decided that something wasn’t right, I had to bring proof to my doctor. He ran the tests when I asked, but he was never forthcoming with me about any of this, even though he’s been my doctor since childhood. I had to research my options. I had to beg my own doctor to help my husband because my husbands doctor didn’t know how to send a referral. I was the one who found my clinic. I was the one who made contact. I was the one calling for results. I was the one doing the research and asking the questions. I was the one who took to the internet and googled infertility at a moment of pure panic and pain. I was the one who found the infertility blogging community and it was their help and resources that helped me get the education I so desperately lacked.

~~~

I’m out to family and friends about our infertility. I don’t hide our struggles despite how it makes some people around me feel uncomfortable. Despite people telling me that its all I talk about and that its not something I should be public about. I post information. I remind people to ask questions about their reproductive health and to seek second and third opinions when their doctor won’t help.

Then something happened.

People I knew. People I went to school with, that I worked with, family, friends of the family, people that were friends of friends started approaching me privately. Messages telling me that they thought they were the only ones. Messages telling me that I wasn’t alone. People telling me that they were scared and didn’t know what to do. People who silently dealt with this for years and never knew that there were options or that there were even fertility clinics and doctors who specialize in infertility in both men and women. I carry their secrets and check on them regularly, but they push me to talk.

I want women to be prepared. To have the knowledge. To know how their body works. To not be ashamed of their reproductive health and to have easy access to support, information and resources. I want them to be comfortable learning and talking about their bodies at a young age. I want teachers properly educated on teaching sex ed and be comfortable enough to approach it much the way other topics and subjects are approached. We should not be ashamed of our bodies. We should not be uncomfortable talking about our bodies and how they work. This isn’t something we should have to fight for.

Something needs to change. And I’m no longer scared or ashamed to step up and speak up. We need to be the change.

If you are a parent, talk to your kids about their reproductive health, but also teach them that there is nothing to be embarassed about. Don’t shame kids. Don’t think your job is done when you say “don’t have sex” or “put a condom on it”. Ask them what they know. Have open dialogue. Push for better sex ed in your child’s school. Remember, kids are curious and they will experiment no matter how much your tell them not to. So prepare them for that as much as you can.

They deserve that much. We all do.

Thoughts On Turning 31

Posted on November 27, 2013 by imfluffyowl

So I’m a mere 7 days (and 16 minutes- not that I’m counting) to my 31st birthday as of me writing this. I’d like to say that I’m excited for it, but I’d be lying.

Normally, I’m the giddy birthday girl. Excited to have a day where those I care about and love make me feel special. I’m a bit vain. I love celebrating my birthday. I love getting gifts, cake and a chorus (or two) of happy birthday. I don’t want all the attention all of the time, but I want it on days that are clearly important to me…like birthdays. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that though. Some people love it, some are indifferent while others downright can’t stand it. My husband is of the can’t stand it camp so he has a hard time understanding my need for attention on my birthday. Or our anniversary. Or Christmas. Or any other holiday or special date. Seriously.

I’ve never been afraid of aging. My friend turned 30 in September and she had a rough couple of months before she hit 30 and she had a really, really bad couple of days surrounding her 30th birthday. Six month earlier, I welcomed 30 like an old friend. A surprise birthday party a week before we moved into our house. We partied in my half packed up apartment. My party was such a surprise to me that they all came into the apartment to surprise me to find me napping on the couch because to the best of my knowledge, my friend was coming over to give me a mani and pedi. In TV surprise parties, you walk in and they turn on the lights and everyone jumps out to say SURPRISE! My birthday though, everyone walked in with everything needed for the party, said SURPRISE and I didn’t budge so they had to shake me awake and in my still mostly asleep daze as I searched for my glasses they gave me a second chorus of SURPRISE while I processed the 10 or so people there. There was a lopsided cake made with love from my friends, alcohol and music from my teen years. We ate cake, hung over and I nursed a hangover the next morning. It was a great 30th birthday.

This year though, its a completely different story. For the first time in my almost 31 years, I’m absolutely dreading my birthday.

A couple of weeks ago, I hit a bad spell. Like a really bad spell. An emotional mess that left my husband shaking his head. He didn’t know how to help me. He tried every trick he had. I wouldn’t talk to him, and when I did acknowledge him it lead to tears and outbursts. I snapped at the smallest thing. Finally one day I hit my breaking point. I broke down and cried in my porch as I was getting ready to go out. I finally admitted to myself and Chris that I couldn’t stand the standstill that I found myself in. We first visited our fertility clinic when I was 29. They told me that there was no real rush to get everything under control because I still had so much time before I hit that advanced maternal age of 35. I was annoyed but my thyroid levels were resting somewhere up in the stratosphere and I knew it wouldn’t be fixed overnight. But here I am, weeks away from my 31st birthday and we are still fighting with my thyroid levels and I still have no treatment options. I have no direction and each day is harder than the last. I ache for a child of my own, I ache to have direction, to have options, to have someone other than me to take this seriously. I tend to be vocal about our struggles, but this time I felt the need to hide and protect it. Cause who really wants to listen to my sob story anymore? I’ve been told as much from some people. So, feeling particularly vulnerable, I hid it away. It built up. That coupled with the fact that I’m suddenly one year closer to that evil age, that age that I move into a new category of childbearing (or at least attempting childbearing) and I just didn’t know how to process it.

So once I admitted the reason behind my breakdown, I just left and did what I had to do. I went to darts because I couldn’t stay home anymore. What I didn’t know was that my husband called my best friend. He felt helpless, so he called the one other person he knew could help me and really understand it on a level not even he can grasp. She also happened to be heading to darts and walked in after me. The rest of the group knew I was in an off mood so they were understanding and were nice but gave me space, but as soon as she walked in and I saw her face, I knew that she was talking to my husband. I like to sometimes call them It and Dit sometimes. They always seem to know how to fix me and they get along far better than anyone would expect a friend and a spouse would expect. But of course, I couldn’t talk to her without crying so she just sat next to me. Afterwards, her and her husband came down to visit and they just let me be me. The boys played video games while we hung out. She let me process what I needed to and let me finally give everything a name and let it out.

So now, despite feeling better, I’m still sick to my stomach about turning 31. Different groups of friends are asking me what I would like to do for my birthday. They keep making suggestions for supper, a house party, a game night with cake, and one friend (an esthetician) even told me to clear my schedule for the day before my birthday because she wants to treat me to a mani and pedi at the shop she works at. (Did I ever tell you that I have the best friends ever? Cause I do. I really, really do.) My mom plans on taking me shopping and going out for supper. My husband is finally listening to my years of telling him that my birthday is important and wants to do something and needs ideas. I ran into a friend tonight and she’s been asking me for weeks if I want to get together for my birthday and I keep on pushing it off. It’s to the point that people are worried. Yet I can’t even give them ideas. All I want is to freeze time at 30 until I have a child in my arms, maybe two if I’m lucky enough and then move on with time. But none of them can do that, so instead I’m finally getting what I always wanted for my birthday and this year I don’t want any of it. I just want it to be forgotten. Irony? I have it.

I really hate not enjoying my birthday. I hate that infertility has tarnished just one more thing I love despite my best efforts to keep the damage localized.

I don’t want to be damaged goods anymore.

Is that too much to ask?

Why It’s Important To Talk To Kids About Bullying

Posted on October 24, 2013 by imfluffyowl

I’m a Brownie leader with Girl Guides of Canada. This is my second year since I got back into Guiding and I love every single minute of it. I love the age group I get to work with. They are at that perfect age of old enough to work independently on a craft or project and still young enough to enjoy the fun games/songs/crafts without boredom kicking in and little to no pre-teen attitude. For most of our girls, Brownies gives them so many opportunities. For most, Brownie camp is their first night away from home. When the four leaders in our group get together (and the other three happen to be my cousin and two of my friends), we plan the programs for each week to benefit them. We find new crafts, games and activities that benefit them. We go to conference every two years to take seminars to learn how to help them make the most of their time with us. For many of our girls, we are a listening ear that they may not have elsewhere. We might be their first introduction to crafts and singing and really enjoying the moment.

Last year we were really lucky. We had a great group of girls, no glaring problems and no need to get parents involved if issues did arise. Personality wise, everything was as smooth as you can get. But this year I was reminded that even though last year was smooth sailing, it doesn’t mean that all years will be smooth sailing. Each year is a new surprise for us. And we got our first taste of that last week.

Each year, we like to let the girls play around amongst themselves while we wait for everyone to arrive. It gives the girls a chance to blow off some of their energy, but also because it gives us a chance to observe them. We waited almost a month before we separated them into their respective groups. We want to watch for who hangs around with each other and look for possible personality clashes. But we also watch for any other issues as well, primarily, early signs of bullying. So far, the girls have been great. No glaring issues. We try to separate the girls who are glued to each other, just so that they will be encouraged to make new friends and not rely on their best friend. We also look at personality clashes and separate them in order to help things run smoothly. Every decision we make is to help optimize the girls experiences. We want them to have the best experience possible.

Last week, we had a field trip to our local fire department for fire prevention month. But as me and one of the other leaders were making the rounds to help with an activity, we caught two of the girls chanting an unflattering name to one of the other girls over and over again. They were trying to upset her and were taking enjoyment from upsetting her. We watched the girl being taunted and she went from smiling to dropping her head and looking like she was ready to cry. It broke my heart. Myself and the other leader instantly put a stop to it. We got after the two girls and explained why it was mean to do that and that they were to apologize to the other girl or we would call their parents and have them sent home. They apologized. While the other leader checked on the girl being taunted, I sat with the two girls and asked if they knew why they were apologizing and they told me that it was because it was wrong. So I told them that it wasn’t just wrong, but it was mean. I asked them how they would feel if the other girl had chanted those things to them. Or if anyone had chanted something like that to them. They got very quiet and admitted that they wouldn’t like it. So I asked them why they felt it was OK to do that to someone else. The girls remained quiet for the rest of the night and we checked on the other girl to ask how she was feeling. She seemed to bounce back but I still worried about her. The rest of the night went smoothly, incident free.

This is the first real instance of bullying that I’ve had to deal with at this age level. After the girls went home, we filled the other leader in on what happened and agreed that we would have to watch the three girls in the future and bump up our bullying program into the next couple of weeks instead of later in the year like we planned. Girl Guides has a full program for all groups to go over with our girls about bullying and how to handle it.

But as much as we work with the girls not to bully and to be nice to everyone, we are truly limited by how much we can do. We can talk to them, we can address it when we see it happen, we can call parents when other avenues don’t work, but we can’t enforce it at home.

And that’s where the parents come in. If you are a parent, guardian, aunt, uncle or grandparent, please talk to your kids about bullying. Always have open dialogue about it. Practice situations with them where they are bullied, or they see someone else bullied and teach them to speak up about it. Teach them to go to an adult when they see bullying happening. Because even though we caught two girls bullying another, what makes it more sad is that the other girls seen it and didn’t speak up about it. Had we not caught this, not one of those girls who seen it would’ve spoken up about it to myself or the other leaders. And the one being bullied wouldn’t think to tell us how she was treated.

There are three parts to bullying: the one doing the bullying, the one being bullied and the people watching it who let it happen. Our kids need to know how to recognize it, how to approach it and how to handle it. And I’ll do my part as a leader. But no matter how hard I try to prevent it, if you as a parent or guardian are not doing your part as well, then it’s a lost cause. Please help your child’s teachers and sports and group leaders prevent bullying. Continue the education at home. Talk to your children. Please.

For information about talking to your child about bullying please check out the link provided below:

http://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/talking-about-it/

Winter Shed Blog Hop: Week One

Posted on January 11, 2013 by imfluffyowl

Well the first week of the Winter Shed Blog Hop is here, which means that I can recap on what’s changed in the past week. Head over to my introductory post if you want to read up on the blog hop and my goals. And you can always check out Kathy’s original post on the blog hop over at Bereaved and Blessed. Here’s her Week One post if you want to check in!

To recap, I’ve highlighted my original goals and below each goal, I’ve noted my progress on each this week.

Living a healthier life in 2013 in preparation for “Future Baby B”.

I went shopping this week and when I tried on pants I found out that I’m down a pant size! This made me very happy. The change is great and I think this came from the changes I made in the weeks leading up to the move, what I put my body through during unpacking (its better than any workout out there), keeping my portions down over the holiday and cutting down on holiday “snacks” intake (I was fairly well behaved this Christmas). This week, I started using My Fitness Pal, gave my honest starting weight and I’ve been tracking my food intake as well as my workouts. My calorie intake as well as my sugar, carb, fat and sodium intake are below my daily goal (a good thing!). I also went forward and pre-made breakfast sandwiches and they are ready to be nuked in the microwave each morning until I can get into the habit of eating breakfast every morning. Little steps but all in the right direction.

Next step, I plan on getting a gym membership for the winter months and starting a regular workout routine a couple of days a week. My friend is going to reactivate her membership and hopefully a day or two a week we can work out together and push each other out the door when we just aren’t feeling it.

To make progress towards resolving our infertility.

CD1 blood work is done and I’m waiting for CD21 and CD23 to get here for my next two rounds of blood work. Then I wait for the results from the clinic. Next CD1 I call Dr. D and set up my dye test. Also, I put away my first $40 towards treatment. It’s not much, but I put any extra money I have away to go towards treatment. Every time I have a couple of bucks, it goes in the fund hidden from the world. I stopped going to Tim Horton’s for tea (oh Tassimo, how I love you to the ends of the earth), so that extra two bucks everyday goes to the fund as well. If I put it away and don’t think about it, before we know it, we will have all the funds necessary for our first round of treatment. I’ve also found the best way to take my pre-natal vitamins and folic acid without getting completely sick each time thanks to some helpful suggestions of some friends. I take it at bedtime with my synthroid and by the time I wake up, I’ve slept through the worst of it and I’m feeling good and ready for breakfast. I seem to be sleeping later than normal but I don’t know if its laziness or me needing to sleep later in the day to sleep off more of the gross feelings. Maybe a bit of column A and B? But I’m gonna push to get myself to bed a bit earlier and hope to start getting into a better sleep pattern.

Next week, I want to get at least $60 put away. Then I can say that our first hundred dollars is saved for treatment. I want to keep at this pace. If I do, the money will build fast. Also, I need to call my fertility clinic for my blood work results, have those results forwarded to my gyno and continue to track my cycles. Also to stay on top of my pre-natal vitamins, folic acid and my synthroid.

To stop making people a priority in my life when I’m not even an option in theirs.

I emailed a friend to explain why I was so upset about a situation that happened. I was honest, to the point and left it in her hands to make contact with me. That was 3 days ago and I haven’t heard from her since so it really is in her hands now. I won’t be heartbroken and wait on her every move, I won’t play the pity me card, I won’t let it depress me and consume my every thought like things have in the past. If our friendship matters or ever mattered, she will respond in one way or another, if not, the friendship wasn’t what I thought and I make peace with that. I’m going to enjoy the friendships I have. Otherwise, everything else is going well.

I’m talking regularly with my friends and hanging out with those that are free, my social life is picking up again and when people want to get together, I find myself looking forward to it. Darts is back and that’s keeping me busy on Monday’s, Brownies is back and that’s keeping me busy on Thursday’s, and a couple of times over the past two weeks, my friends have initiated a get together with me and Chris without any push from me. Which is nice for a change. I’m not saying that no one ever initiates anything with me but it does feel much more even lately because part of it is also me learning that every time I ask someone to do something, I’m not pestering them. I sometimes feel that way through no fault of anyone else and I need to work on that. I like the feeling though, of progress.

To work towards making our house a home.

We started working on the basement. Each day we throw out a bit more. When the basement is cleared we will finally be getting our puppy. Today, my plan is to finally put away all our clothes. I miss having a clean bedroom and I finally feel like doing it.

Up next: Go through the cupboard in the kitchen that has all the cookbooks that mom left, figure out who owns what and finally have use of the last unclaimed cupboard in the kitchen. Also, I want to get started with unpacking my craft room, getting it somewhat organized and maybe even move in the chair and foot rest from the garage. There is also a cabinet in my craft room that is filled with books from my childhood. I want to go through them, organize them then pack and store them away in the spare bedroom til we have children to share them with. Here’s hoping.

To expand my reading collection.

Didn’t get very far with this. Still reading Lord of the Rings. Only another chapter or two since last week. But to be fair, Chris and I spent most of the week re-watching older seasons of Bones. I’ll get back into reading when we are up to date on the show (we just started season 6 and we are averaging about 8 episodes a day right now). Plus I always read a bit at night before I fall asleep.

Up next: Finish Lord of the Rings, move onto The Two Towers and then finish off the series with Return of the King. After that, The Hobbit, Angela’s Ashes, finally finish reading Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, then move forward with some of the classic authors and stories.

That’s about it for my updates this week. It’s been a positive week of change and knowing that I was going to be honest and share my progress with everyone, to be held accountable for my goals, was a great push. It stopped me when I wanted to be lazy and order takeout instead of making a healthy meal, it made me second guess buying a donut at Tim Horton’s when I stopped for a sandwich for my husband. I look forward to the upcoming weeks and making progress with everyone!

Love to you all!
Kim

Friendships Worth Fighting For

Posted on January 5, 2013 by imfluffyowl

In this battle of infertility, I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by great support. We always use that phrase: we wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone but thankfully the company is amazing. And it really is. The support I’ve found is some of the most amazing I’ve ever felt. I’ve also been lucky enough to have a friend IRL who is also going through it. It blows that both of us desperately want children and can’t but we are lucky to have each other. We can be the hugs in real life that so many of us can’t extend to each other even though sometimes that is all we wish we could do.

I’ve talked about her before. I’ve never given her name because she chooses to keep her battle private and I respect her wishes in doing so. She knows that I do talk about her on occasion here at my blog, but strictly in the form of my “IF friend IRL”. We hold each other while we cry, we have that instant verbal banter and complaining back and forth that we both so desperately need sometimes. The comforting glance shared during a baby shower we are both attending. She gets the randomness of the triggers and can read the warning signs in my demeanor before I can see them myself just as I can easily do for her. One quick glance caught by no one else and suddenly a conversation is quickly diverted from that awkward area we know is inevitable. We can easily move in and out of topics of conversations from the news of a friends pregnancy to a new recipe. Together, we don’t need to always be about infertility but we can always go to that topic if we need to and there is no awkwardness if we do. A silent conversation, a choreographed dance perfected over years of mutual shared heartache. I’m so very lucky to have many amazing and understanding friends both in real life and online, both affected by infertility and even the fertile myrtles too. But this specific friendship is on a different level. Friends since elementary school (and all the stupid fights and not talking for extended periods of time added in there to boot) with a mutual pain understood by so few people.

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to have an evening out with her. Errands, just the two of us. Then we sat in her vehicle in my driveway for 45 minutes just talking. My husband even called me from inside the house asking if we would like to come in and finish talking because he doesn’t bite but we were in the zone and we would lose that zone as soon as we got out of the vehicle. We talked about everything, the husbands, our parents, drama in the families, work, and our infertility. We talked about our frustrations. What we wished other people understood, her waiting for her sporadic period to start so she could continue with testing and me starting my first round of cycle testing. We complained about the costs of treatment and where we are magically going to find money for our own treatments and questioning just how far each of us are willing to go. She asks about you guys, all of you. She asks what you would do and how each of you decide to go through it and what I take away from blogging so openly about it. She’s never really been a blogger and I don’t think she could share her story even in an anonymous setting even if she’s ok with me mentioning her on here occasionally.

But our talk yesterday did trigger something. A thought I’ve been slowly processing since. Something that was probably stored away from the PAIL discussions and healing rooms people hosted. I’m still working my way through it so my thoughts are jumbled at best. Friend and I talked about what happens if one of us makes it to our goal before the other? What changes? How do we enjoy what we have without feeling badly for our friend still there in the trenches? And she looked at me with so much determination and told me that we simply enjoy what we have, we can’t forget and we can’t feel bad. But no matter what, we will always be that support for each other. We won’t feel bad when the other is sad because that is part of the process and you will always know that the one not there yet is happy despite the pain at that moment. We don’t give up on the other and we don’t stop supporting each other. We give the other the space to process but both parties have to keep the support system whole or else it all falls apart and everyone feels left out. We acknowledge it and adjust because we are worth the work and it would hurt more to walk away cold than to work and adjust to new settings.

And honestly, it made me think of this community. I think of how many times I had to walk away from blogs because seeing it is hard, but I also think of how many of my blogging friends just dropped off the face of the blogging world after they got their happy ending. We supported these people through their treatments, through their pregnancy but for many of them, once they get that pregnancy or child they walk away from the community, never returning the support to the people still there fighting in the trenches. And I think that’s where it bugs me. A good form of support gives and takes equally. I have blogger friends who have had successful treatments and some of them still comment and read regularly yet others have gotten pregnant, changed their blog, never looked back and stopped offering support or comforting words to those who had words of support through their own struggles. I know that a bulk of my regular current blog list is pregnant now, and I know that half (if not more) of them will or have moved on to never return and to never return the support when it comes to my time. And that fact hurts more than pregnancy posts on CD1 of a failed cycle.

Is this why our divide is so strong? The clear divide of those who made it to the promise lands? Many claim they don’t know how to fit in now that they are pregnant or have children, while others still post comfortably despite their children and pregnancies and still comment with ease despite the change. Is that why people disappear? Is it because people don’t want to have reminders of their past? A good support system is an equal give and take and I sometimes get the vibe that people feel that the lack of equal support or a change in that equal support is what causes this rift.

I’m only speaking from my own personal experience, but when I choose to follow a blog, its not because they are an infertility blog. I choose to follow a blog because its a well rounded blog. I gravitate towards bloggers that write about everything in their life, not just one topic. These people become my friends and I create a rapport with them because I’m getting a view into their life and seeing their thought process. (An excellent example would be Mel @ Stirrup Queens) When one of those bloggers announce a pregnancy, I congratulate them and tell them that I’m truly happy and I’ll comment where I can. I want them to know that I’m always reading even if its a bad day or I can’t comment. I regularly comment on blogs that I’m comfortable enough to comment on. And if I’m comfortable enough to comment on your blog regularly, I’m comfortable enough to have you sit at my kitchen table and share a pot of tea with me. That’s what a comment means to me when I write on your post. If I’m willing to share something of my life in a comment and I do it often, its the equivalent of inviting you into my home for a cup of tea (or coffee), offering you a cinnamon roll I just took out of the oven and telling you to help yourself. So the clear loss of a blogger or a definitive change in their blogging style may drop my interest or comments. For instance, a blogger who regularly posts about a variety of topics like funny work stories, pets, something your spouse did, your infertility and how you destroyed supper last night turns into the blogger that suddenly only posts her weekly pregnancy updates and that’s it, will suddenly find me not commenting as much anymore because I comment on things when I feel I can contribute to the conversation or story. I’ll read it at first and then gradually start skimming it and before you know it, I just start passing over your post in my reader claiming that I’ll get to it later because so and so has a great discussion about this random article they found and I can contribute to that more than the other post. It broke my heart when I realized that I did that to 2 blogs. They were regular commenters, always positive comments and taking part in discussions on both blogs. Keeping up with me just as much as i was keeping up on them, kind words passed back and forth. They were both lucky, they both got pregnant. Their blogs went from random stories and anecdotes from their lives to pregnancy posts with funny pregnancy stories and other stories mixed in which I commented on if they were funny or I had something to contribute. Then all it was anymore was their weekly pregnancy posts talking about their symptoms and baby bumps. I’m not saying anything negative about those types of posts but when they are the only thing you post, its hard to make any sort of comment on it. I can’t commiserate with them, cause I’ve never been there, and if I comment with something along the lines of “yay that’s great” every single time, it sounds forced and fake and I’d rather not comment than have something come off as lip service. Then neither one of them has commented or even shown any interest in anything in my world since the early weeks of their pregnancy. I started skimming their posts, then I started saying I’d come back to it later because so and so had a post up about an article I was meaning to read. Then I realized that I completely missed over the post announcing the birth of each respective child. And realizing that? It made my stomach sick. And not because they have a child and I don’t. But rather because we stopped caring about each other. It felt like the end of a friendship.

I’m not saying its their fault or that its their job to entertain me, but its also not my job to contribute if its something I can’t relate to. And while I have absolutely no intention to find someone to lay blame on, we need to understand where it’s starting because we can’t fix it if we don’t know what caused it. Before we decide if we no longer fit in a community that aims to be inclusive of all people in all stages of the ALI world, we need to assess why we feel these changes and then see what/if anything caused this change other than a BFP. You know what? I know I’ve been guilty of just dropping off the earth too. We all know life happens. We know that some people really are just really sensitive to that sort of big news. But as IFer’s, we know that some things with a pregnancy can be triggers for others and you more than anyone get that and know that as long as the pregnancy isn’t your entire life, they will be there when they can, however they can. I just spent the last two months moving my parents to their new home, packing up my apartment and moving into out first home just weeks before Christmas and that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what I’ve been dealing with lately. So clearly, my communication within the community has dropped because I just haven’t had the time to read, comment and participate and it took me 3 weeks at one point to approve comments because I just kept forgetting to approve them even though I read them. I didn’t even participate in ICLW in December (my first in probably more than a year) and my blog felt naked and wrong all through ICLW. But with that, views on my blog were down, comments were even more scarce. I walked into that knowing that I can’t receive without giving. It’s not my job to entertain you but its also not your job to stick around and stroke my ego when I’m giving you nothing. So therefore, I can’t complain about lack of support during that time because you can’t read my mind and this is your only view into my life. Just like I can’t expect my real life friends and family to always read and comment on my rants about infertility. If I talked to them every minute of everyday about my infertility, they would lose interest in me just as fast as I would lose interest in them if all they ever did was talk about their children 24/7. We then lose the common ground we had because the topics that we talk about have changed. It’s not entirely my fault or their fault but rather equal parts acceptance of the issue by both parties and that if we are willing to look at the root of the change we might be able to fix that gap. Because if we don’t, the friendship will crumble and fall apart.

The discussion with my friend last night triggered these thoughts and they are just starting to form in my mind. But even though my thoughts are still a work in progress, I open the debate on this with anyone because I want my thoughts questioned and explored. I want to see the things I’m overlooking. I want to look at this from a different light. I want to understand it so that i will still feel comfort and welcomed in this community if I ever get the chance to make it to the other side (either through that BFP and healthy baby in my arms or finding comfort in the choice to live a full life without children) I want to understand and most of all, I want to keep my friends in the blogging world. I don’t want them to all drop off the face of the earth. Especially because they may feel that they no longer fit or they feel that they are hurting others. I don’t want to be jaded by the fact that I give support but its not returned by those that I gave it to because they moved on and away from the rest of us. I want that equal partnership of support, giving and taking as needed. I want the fight to be equal. I want to fight for all of you just like me and my friend will fight those feelings to keep the support equal, to be happy for each other no matter what. I just want people to fight for it as much as I’m willing to fight for it. It may seem like a tall list to ask for, but honestly, is it really that tall of a list?

The First CD1 To Look Forward To

Posted on November 14, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Things have been a bit hectic, but I finally have a few minutes to sit down and write about the trip.

Thursday afternoon we took off for Halifax with my MIL in tow. Chris was having a very bad day so MIL offered to make the trip and surprise her best friend (who we were staying with anyway) with a visit of her own, and really, just to be there as emotional support for me and Chris. The trip up was both wonderful and terrible. MIL is awesome, easy to be around and is very little fuss so traveling with her is awesome. Chris spent most of the trip asleep in the back, just trying to sleep through the worst of his breakdown. What is normally a 5 hour drive at most turned out to be a 7.5 hour trip because of the heavy rains for most of the trip. At points, the rain was coming down so heavy that I just kept the brake lights of the guy in front of me in my vision and hoped that he didn’t go off the highway or I was gonna follow. I must’ve done something right because my MIL is still talking about how great of a driver I am. I guess I hid my fear of losing control well…

We stayed with “Aunt Moe” (the mother of the guy we stayed with in March) who is my MIL’s childhood friend. They are best friends and essentially their kids grew up together. They are family in every way but blood. Moe has MS, but is still able to get around and incredibly stubborn. She was determined to have us stay with her. I love her dearly and she spoiled us from the moment we walked in the door. MIL shocked Moe with her impromptu visit and we all got an earful for hiding the surprise from her. Thursday was an early, quiet night. We relaxed, caught up and watched TV. My nerves were a little on edge for the appointment.

Friday morning, we were up early to get ready for our appointment. We were staying about a 40 minute drive from our appointment. Moe’s husband offered to be our chauffeur for the day and refused to let us drive into downtown Halifax for the appointment. He drove us to our appointment and since we landed almost an hour early, we walked up the street to my favorite cupcake shop (that sadly only exists in Halifax) and I bought some yummy cupcakes. Then we went to AART for the appointment and let Moe’s husband go do his own thing with a promise to call when we were ready.

When we got to AART, we were early, so we signed in and had a seat in the waiting room. While waiting, a girl who clearly worked for AART came out and poked her head into the waiting room. She said, “Kim?” and instantly I knew it was Kendra. Kendra, the wonderful secretary who literally bent over backwards, listened to me cry in frustration, tracked down doctors and even when our appointment for that day had to be cancelled because our doctor had a family emergency, begged other doctors to take our appointment because of how long I was waiting for this appointment. The same girl who refused to call and tell me about the appointment time change until she confirmed another doctor and then apologized profusely for the time change. When we saw each other for the first time, we were both big smiles and she sat down to talk to us for a few minutes, asked how our trip was, and it felt like i was talking to an old friend. It quickly eased my nerves and she told us that she would come and get us as soon as our doctor landed, he was on his way from the IWK.

Dr. Murphy was wonderful. He made us feel at ease almost immediately. He took our family history, mine and Chris’s medical history, and went over the basic questions that we already filled out on the questionnaires. Explained the basic causes of infertility and a run through of how you actually get pregnant medically. Chris was attentive, but I already knew all of this mostly due to my time in this group. He was surprised to hear that I had found and embraced the help of an online community. He asked some questions about this ALI community, more so to pass onto his other patients, and applauded me for looking for support and embracing it. From there, he asked what tests I’ve had to date, tracked down my last round of blood work, told me that before I left the office, he wanted another pap test run. He is sending Chris for another semen analysis through our local hospital just to check to see if there is any change since the last test in March. They had no explanation for his low count, so they are hoping that there’s been a change. From there, he started with sending the referral for me to get that lovely dye test on my uterus, set up a referral for a local gyno, and a battery of blood tests. I have CD2 blood work to check EVERYTHING, literally, EVERYTHING. They are even taking over tracking the levels for my thyroid and any changes to my thyroid meds will come directly from AART. They are sending me for more blood work on CD21 and CD23 to check my progesterone levels to make sure that I am, in fact, ovulating. Dr. Murphy seems confident that with my symptoms and the length of my cycles and my periods that I’m ovulating normally but he wants the tests to back up his thoughts. He didn’t seem too concerned with my handful of long or longer cycles but he said if anything is wrong, we will know after the tests. He wants every i dotted and every T crossed. And thankfully, to cut down on travel, they will arrange to do results via teleconference to limit my travel time and expenses.

While there, he asked us if we had an idea what we were looking to do as he assumed I knew my options when I walked in. I told him that if Chris’s count was not high enough for IUI, we were willing to move forward with donor sperm. He told me that he’s not surprised that we have an idea of what we want considering how informed I am and considering how long we’ve been waiting to get to this point. He gave us the stats for each, broke down what we would need to do for each and then gave us information folders on IVF, IUI and Semen Donors. We are not really ready to start treatment right now, but since we clearly have some idea of our direction, he wanted to give us more information to look through and to prepare questions for our next official visit to the clinic post-results. Then doc sent Chris to the waiting room where his mom was babysitting my cupcakes and the nurse on staff did my Pap smear.

After the Pap smear was over, the doctor was talking to me and answering any last minute questions. I kept on thanking him throughout the entire appointment and finally after I thanked him again, he asked me why I kept on thanking him over and over again. I laughed at him because I didn’t realize how much I was doing it and then apologized. I told him that I’m really not used to having doctors do so much for us. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and 8 months. Almost 3 of those years were spent convincing our doctors that something wasn’t right. I always had to look up what our next step was. Chris had to beg his doctor to send him for a semen analysis. Chris had to track down those results of the semen analysis himself. Nothing was offered after the results. I had to find that out on my own. Chris had to demand for the urologist’s referral. Chris had to check on the status of that referral. We had to fight for that referral to be sent to the right doctor 3 times. We were never contacted about that appointment and ended up missing the first appointment because of it. If I didn’t stay on top of that secretary, we would’ve never gotten the information needed for the second appointment. It’s new to us to have staff that actually try to do stuff for us, to have a secretary not only check on something, but to call us back in a timely fashion. And to finally be at an appointment where things are happening (ALL THE THINGS!!) without evening asking. I can’t help but be thankful and thank everyone who does it.

Upon hearing this, the doctor looked at me with the most honest look in his eyes and said, “You don’t have to beg doctors to listen to you anymore, we’re listening to you. No more worries, we want to help.” *cue the tears*. Every bit of weight on my shoulders seemed to collectively lift and I found myself at ease for the first time in our infertility journey. The rush to move forward seems to slow down and there was comfort just knowing that we were in the right hands. Competent hands. Then the appointment was over, I got to thank Kendra and Dr. Murphy again and we grabbed lunch and did some shopping. By the time we were back at Aunt Moe’s, I was relaxed, laughing and ready to spend the evening with all of Aunt Moe’s kids and their families.

Before we knew it, Saturday morning was upon us and we were heading home. Thankfully no rain but sunny and bitterly cold. By the time we hit Cape Breton, we were driving through snow flurries (the first of the season for us). Now it’s time to get back to normal. Blood work tomorrow morning and for once, this is the first CD1 I’ve looked forward to since before we started trying. Here’s to moving forward…finally!

So Let’s Talk About Birthdays

Posted on November 25, 2011 by imfluffyowl

So, there’s this birthday coming up, and while you may think I’m talking about mine (which is next Sunday), though I’m not referring to mine. The birthday to which I’m referring to is my husband’s. And it’s not just any birthday, it’s a big one. Hubby is turning 30 on at the end of March.

My husband has always been one to play down his birthday. A quiet night in with family, some cards, one of his favorite meals and his mother’s cheesecake. That’s how we spend every birthday. He generally gets upset with me if I want to spoil him and buy him gifts. Yet when my birthday rolls along, he spoils me rotten. And sometimes it angers me for multiple reasons:
1. I’m no good at accepting gifts.
2. I love to give more than I like to receive.
and
3. He’s my hubby, its my right to spoil the man!

So for the past couple of weeks, I’ve started brainstorming about having a birthday party for him for his big 30th. Nothing big. A house party, a bunch of us bake for him. Have all of hubby’s friends over and let them dork out while the girls chill out and catch up. Nothing huge. I was even considering doing a situations where instead of gifts, everyone bring something ‘pot-luck style’ to contribute to the party. No gifts, no chorus of Happy Birthday, no party hats or super tacky birthday decorations. But as soon as I mentioned anything even remotely related to his upcoming birthday, he loses it, gets angry, tells me to drop it and won’t tell me why. I’ve tried this discussion from every angle, but still, he gets mad at me and tells me to drop it. He won’t even let me mention the ‘b’ word. I even went so far as to pick a day near the middle to end of March (specifically not on his birthday) and have a “Chris Is Awesome” get together and have all the guys over for gaming, no cake, no singing Happy Birthday, no gifts, just me making food and his friends going on about how awesome he is. And he still turned this down.

It’s bugging me a bit. I’m all for the “I don’t want anything” but yet he spoils me and takes me out to dinner and buys me gifts for my birthday, but he won’t let me return the favor. What should I do? How do I even go about getting him to have a serious conversation with me about this without him trying to blow it off? I’m just lost in all of this.

I talked with Crystal, a mutual friend, about the issue and she is determined to help me do something but he even got mad at her and then mad at me because I talked to friends about it. She suggested that I talk to his mom. And I might. I’m close with Debbie, and she may have some insight where I don’t. And worst case scenario, he can’t snap at her over it like he does at me. His father won’t have anything to do with that attitude. Yes, I’m being sneaky. But I’m determined to get him to talk about it. He makes me talk about things I don’t want to talk about, so its gotta be a two way street. If he ends up having a very valid reason why he doesn’t want this, I will take it and abide by his wishes. But the point is, the man has to talk to me about it at some point and until he does, I’m gonna keep pushing.

Have any of you guys have to deal with this? Do you have any words of wisdom?