Women Need To Talk About Their Reproductive Health

Posted on January 28, 2014 by imfluffyowl

Sex Education.

Why are schools and teachers so scared of Sex Education?

Huffington Post had an article about women and their knowledge of reproductive health, and sadly, I wasn’t surprised by the results:

“In addition to incomplete understanding of reproductive concepts, the survey also showed that many women who were not actively attempting to get pregnant nevertheless had concerns about their ability to do so down the road. Among the women not currently trying to conceive, 40 percent said they were worried about their ability to get pregnant once they started trying, and 20 percent said they thought they might need fertility treatment.”

When I was in high school, our sex education was a sad state of affairs.

Picture this:

Band class of 30 students, 26 girls to 4 boys. Junior high. Our male gym teacher is given the task of teaching health class as part of his gym duties. The male teacher is young, teaching only a couple of years and not really trained on how to teach sex ed. He blushes as he passes out the sex ed books and looks mortified to teach 26 girls and 4 guys about reproductive health, safe sex, ovulation, a woman’s cycle and the male reproductive organs. His embarassment brushes off on us because he doesn’t take the lead and tell us its nothing to be embarassed about. His lectures are made up of him reading page for page out of an already outdated sex ed book and his prep for tests are, ‘read this section and those 3 sections because that is where the questions on the test are coming from’. He powered through it, never encouraged open discussion, never asked if we had any questions and once we powered through it, he tells us to read amongst ourselves but doesn’t say a word when we all put our books away and chat amongst ourselves for the rest of the class.

On top of that, he never shows us how to properly put on a condom, he powered through the lesson on birth control for women, and his final statement was “don’t have sex.”

Sounds funny and completely unprofessional right?

Yeah, this was my sex education in junior high. This is where my first bit of knowledge, outside of my parents short talks with me, of my reproductive health came from.

He left us feeling that it was uncomfortable and wrong to talk about our sexual health. No one felt comfortable talking to him about more information. No one knew that there was more information out there.

My parents, as much as I love them, didn’t really offer me enough information for me to remember it. I know we had “the talk” but I don’t remember the details and the gist of it was wait til you are older to have sex and when you do, make sure you use protection. Mom was great about talking about my first period but the sex side of the talk was lacking. Of course it was approached awkwardly and I was a teenager and fed off of their awkwardness and still to this day will find it hard to talk about sex education without first having to push down the awkward feelings that comes with it.

I spent at least 10 years not knowing that my thyroid could affect my reproductive health. I didn’t know that my levels were as high as they were. I only learned in the past couple of months that its possible that my extremely high thyroid levels may have stopped my ovulation and I possibly haven’t ovulated since before I started dating my husband. The doctors truly don’t know how long I’ve gone without ovulating. I ovulated for the first time in possibly a decade, maybe more, last cycle. I always thought I ovulated because I got my period. I never knew that just because I bleed a couple of days every cycle, it doesn’t actually mean that I’m ovulating.

When I finally decided that something wasn’t right, I had to bring proof to my doctor. He ran the tests when I asked, but he was never forthcoming with me about any of this, even though he’s been my doctor since childhood. I had to research my options. I had to beg my own doctor to help my husband because my husbands doctor didn’t know how to send a referral. I was the one who found my clinic. I was the one who made contact. I was the one calling for results. I was the one doing the research and asking the questions. I was the one who took to the internet and googled infertility at a moment of pure panic and pain. I was the one who found the infertility blogging community and it was their help and resources that helped me get the education I so desperately lacked.

~~~

I’m out to family and friends about our infertility. I don’t hide our struggles despite how it makes some people around me feel uncomfortable. Despite people telling me that its all I talk about and that its not something I should be public about. I post information. I remind people to ask questions about their reproductive health and to seek second and third opinions when their doctor won’t help.

Then something happened.

People I knew. People I went to school with, that I worked with, family, friends of the family, people that were friends of friends started approaching me privately. Messages telling me that they thought they were the only ones. Messages telling me that I wasn’t alone. People telling me that they were scared and didn’t know what to do. People who silently dealt with this for years and never knew that there were options or that there were even fertility clinics and doctors who specialize in infertility in both men and women. I carry their secrets and check on them regularly, but they push me to talk.

I want women to be prepared. To have the knowledge. To know how their body works. To not be ashamed of their reproductive health and to have easy access to support, information and resources. I want them to be comfortable learning and talking about their bodies at a young age. I want teachers properly educated on teaching sex ed and be comfortable enough to approach it much the way other topics and subjects are approached. We should not be ashamed of our bodies. We should not be uncomfortable talking about our bodies and how they work. This isn’t something we should have to fight for.

Something needs to change. And I’m no longer scared or ashamed to step up and speak up. We need to be the change.

If you are a parent, talk to your kids about their reproductive health, but also teach them that there is nothing to be embarassed about. Don’t shame kids. Don’t think your job is done when you say “don’t have sex” or “put a condom on it”. Ask them what they know. Have open dialogue. Push for better sex ed in your child’s school. Remember, kids are curious and they will experiment no matter how much your tell them not to. So prepare them for that as much as you can.

They deserve that much. We all do.

Why It’s Important To Talk To Kids About Bullying

Posted on October 24, 2013 by imfluffyowl

I’m a Brownie leader with Girl Guides of Canada. This is my second year since I got back into Guiding and I love every single minute of it. I love the age group I get to work with. They are at that perfect age of old enough to work independently on a craft or project and still young enough to enjoy the fun games/songs/crafts without boredom kicking in and little to no pre-teen attitude. For most of our girls, Brownies gives them so many opportunities. For most, Brownie camp is their first night away from home. When the four leaders in our group get together (and the other three happen to be my cousin and two of my friends), we plan the programs for each week to benefit them. We find new crafts, games and activities that benefit them. We go to conference every two years to take seminars to learn how to help them make the most of their time with us. For many of our girls, we are a listening ear that they may not have elsewhere. We might be their first introduction to crafts and singing and really enjoying the moment.

Last year we were really lucky. We had a great group of girls, no glaring problems and no need to get parents involved if issues did arise. Personality wise, everything was as smooth as you can get. But this year I was reminded that even though last year was smooth sailing, it doesn’t mean that all years will be smooth sailing. Each year is a new surprise for us. And we got our first taste of that last week.

Each year, we like to let the girls play around amongst themselves while we wait for everyone to arrive. It gives the girls a chance to blow off some of their energy, but also because it gives us a chance to observe them. We waited almost a month before we separated them into their respective groups. We want to watch for who hangs around with each other and look for possible personality clashes. But we also watch for any other issues as well, primarily, early signs of bullying. So far, the girls have been great. No glaring issues. We try to separate the girls who are glued to each other, just so that they will be encouraged to make new friends and not rely on their best friend. We also look at personality clashes and separate them in order to help things run smoothly. Every decision we make is to help optimize the girls experiences. We want them to have the best experience possible.

Last week, we had a field trip to our local fire department for fire prevention month. But as me and one of the other leaders were making the rounds to help with an activity, we caught two of the girls chanting an unflattering name to one of the other girls over and over again. They were trying to upset her and were taking enjoyment from upsetting her. We watched the girl being taunted and she went from smiling to dropping her head and looking like she was ready to cry. It broke my heart. Myself and the other leader instantly put a stop to it. We got after the two girls and explained why it was mean to do that and that they were to apologize to the other girl or we would call their parents and have them sent home. They apologized. While the other leader checked on the girl being taunted, I sat with the two girls and asked if they knew why they were apologizing and they told me that it was because it was wrong. So I told them that it wasn’t just wrong, but it was mean. I asked them how they would feel if the other girl had chanted those things to them. Or if anyone had chanted something like that to them. They got very quiet and admitted that they wouldn’t like it. So I asked them why they felt it was OK to do that to someone else. The girls remained quiet for the rest of the night and we checked on the other girl to ask how she was feeling. She seemed to bounce back but I still worried about her. The rest of the night went smoothly, incident free.

This is the first real instance of bullying that I’ve had to deal with at this age level. After the girls went home, we filled the other leader in on what happened and agreed that we would have to watch the three girls in the future and bump up our bullying program into the next couple of weeks instead of later in the year like we planned. Girl Guides has a full program for all groups to go over with our girls about bullying and how to handle it.

But as much as we work with the girls not to bully and to be nice to everyone, we are truly limited by how much we can do. We can talk to them, we can address it when we see it happen, we can call parents when other avenues don’t work, but we can’t enforce it at home.

And that’s where the parents come in. If you are a parent, guardian, aunt, uncle or grandparent, please talk to your kids about bullying. Always have open dialogue about it. Practice situations with them where they are bullied, or they see someone else bullied and teach them to speak up about it. Teach them to go to an adult when they see bullying happening. Because even though we caught two girls bullying another, what makes it more sad is that the other girls seen it and didn’t speak up about it. Had we not caught this, not one of those girls who seen it would’ve spoken up about it to myself or the other leaders. And the one being bullied wouldn’t think to tell us how she was treated.

There are three parts to bullying: the one doing the bullying, the one being bullied and the people watching it who let it happen. Our kids need to know how to recognize it, how to approach it and how to handle it. And I’ll do my part as a leader. But no matter how hard I try to prevent it, if you as a parent or guardian are not doing your part as well, then it’s a lost cause. Please help your child’s teachers and sports and group leaders prevent bullying. Continue the education at home. Talk to your children. Please.

For information about talking to your child about bullying please check out the link provided below:

http://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/talking-about-it/

My Thoughts On Mother’s Day

Posted on May 11, 2013 by imfluffyowl

I’m gonna forward this post with a semi public service announcement. This post may be viewed as a bitter infertile rant on a holiday I have to suffer through. But it’s not. It’s my thoughts on the holiday and everything surrounding it. Am I infertile? Yes. Do I wish I was a mom? Yes. Would my opinion on this holiday change if I was a mom? No.

So every year there are two holidays that an infertile dreads: Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

Sure, holidays in general suck the life out of an infertile because holidays are always seen as time for children and family to be together and love one another. Many of those holidays are steeped in traditions for children (Christmas and Easter come to mind). The world around us shuts down for everyone and the infertiles are left wondering how they fit into these holidays and trying to make the best of it. All the while, we are also dealing with guilt, depression, and sometimes harsh words because we feel lost and closed off or want to be left alone to process. Holidays are not kind to anyone struggling to get pregnant.

Growing up, I was always indifferent to the minor holidays. I had no love for valentines day and while we always acknowledged Mother’s and Father’s Day, we never really did anything big. Maybe that’s why I don’t care about celebrating the holidays so much. Maybe that’s where it stemmed from. I don’t hate Mother’s Day, I’m just indifferent to it. If I could get away with it never existing, I’d be perfectly happy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and mother-in-law and will do something to celebrate my love for them that day, but if they were cool with me not acknowledging it, I would happily do nothing. And this thought isn’t from a bitter place or a place filled with hatred or jealousy. I just simply view it much the way I view valentines day: a day the candy and card industry uses to get people to spend 3 times more than they normally would for a card, some candy and flowers. I don’t need commercials and special events to tell me that I should show my mom how much I love her. I do that every single day. If you truly love your mom, don’t wait until the world tells you that this specific day is the day to shower her with love and affection. Take a time, any old time to take your mom out and spoil her. Pick a random day and treat her to the spa or take her to dinner or have flowers delivered at work with a simple note “For no other reason than I love you and you mean the world to me”. I don’t knock anyone who does choose to celebrate it. To each their own. But, just like with valentines day, its really blown out of the water. It went from something simple, from cards you made at school to take home to mom to expensive jewelry, fancy dinners and big gifts.

Do you wanna know who’s awesome? My mom. She rocks. On a level that I can’t even properly explain. I would be lost without this woman. My mom knows how hard this holiday is for me. You wanna know what we’ve done almost every year since my infertility diagnosis? We stayed at home and I cooked for her. She let me make her something at home to help me feel more comfortable on a day that I would rather spend all day in bed forgetting. We watch old movies and just spend the day together at her house. And a few weeks later, even though I made her a nice supper, I treat her to something randomly to show my thanks and love in return. Sometimes I buy her something. Sometimes I take her out to dinner. But I always do something to show my appreciation. And while everyone talks about what they got the day after Mother’s Day, my mom gets to tell them how her daughter spoiled her on a random day, a day that the card companies and commercials didn’t remind her about.

The thing is, when I have children I don’t want to be spoiled on Mother’s Day. Sure, acknowledge it if they want to, but don’t do it because TV and radio and stores told you to. Do it because you truly wanted to. Show me that you love me everyday instead. Surprise me with a random gift if you really want to. But all I need is your love, every single day, not when others tell you that you have to show me your love.

All Anyone Needs Is Respect & Support

Posted on April 28, 2013 by imfluffyowl

All this week, I’ve been sharing information about infertility. It’s one of the few weeks out of the year where I’m actively using facebook as a way to get information out there. I normally use facebook in a very superficial way. I update my daily photo for project 365, I have a couple of ongoing chats with a handful of friends, I check in on our private group for the parents of our Brownies, I stop by my secret girls night group to check in with my girlfriends and laugh at some racy cartoons or photos that either my dad or some of the ladies from darts decided to share or share something funny on a friends wall. I just simply don’t have much use for facebook. Many of my friends will share pictures of me from stuff I do with them, I let them tag me in whatever they want because I never do anything racy enough to garner any negative feedback from anyone. And other than an occasional article on infertility that I share with the heading “for those that might be interested” knowing that I have a handful of friends on my feed struggling privately with infertility, I generally keep quite on facebook. I like to leave most of my ranting for other social media.

Prior to the start of NIAW, I shared a status update to let everyone know I was taking part in social media activities for NIAW and apologizing upfront for any news feed spamming through the week. While many in the past have shared their dislike in my posts or have come to me with questions wondering why I can’t simply be happy with all that I already have, I still ended up shocked (in a good way!) by the response I received. Many applauded me for sharing and expressed their eagerness to learn more. One person in particular, someone I went to high school with no less, was the most supportive. She was saddened by the fact that I felt the need to preface my participation. But she was also the one to understand more than anyone else. She has opted not to have her own children because she is a step-mom to her husband’s two children from a previous relationship. She shared with me her frustration at people questioning her decision to not have biological children. Her own frustrations helped her to have empathy and understanding for my own struggle, even if we were on opposite ends of the family building spectrum.

The reason that I’m sharing this information with you is because my response to her comment received a lot of positive comments and really gave me my direction for this week:

“If I learned anything over the last 4 years, it’s about respecting everyone’s decision on family building. It’s not for everyone and not everyone will fall into a perfect cookie cutter idea of a family. Some have step children they adore and don’t need to add to their family. Some want to adopt. Some choose to live child free. Some want to have many children. Some prefer to go the foster care route. Others need to pay for expensive treatments out of pocket for just a chance. Many of those people dealing with other conditions that are causing their infertility. And no matter what, every single one of those people and their choices need to be respected and supported.”

And that right there is the point of everything we are doing. Everyone’s family building choices need to be respected and supported. Whether you never wanted children in the first place, you are infertile and choosing your family building options or anyone else in between. All any of us want is to be treated as equals. That it be the same for everyone. That we have access to whatever resources we need to reach our goal. To have those options available to us regardless of how much money we have or don’t have. To have access to treatments without it costing an arm and a leg.

We just want to be treated with respect and want our choices to be respected and supported.

Such a simple request falling on deaf ears…

The Uncomfortable Nature Of Not Believing

Posted on March 10, 2013 by imfluffyowl

Recently, due to our recent acquiring of Netflix, I’ve had the chance to start watching shows that I wanted to watch but either started them too late or didn’t have the channel they were on. I have a soft spot for cheesy teen dramas. All those made for TV movies about cyber bullying or teen pregnancy, I flock to them without much thought. So it’s no surprise that channels like ABC Spark or ABC Family are some of my favorite channels to get caught up in. Chris has zero understanding for my little addiction to teen dramas and constantly tries to get me to give it up for something better. What can I say though? It’s my guilty pleasure.

One of the first shows I sat down and watched from beginning to end when we first signed up for Netflix was “Make It Or Break It”. The show is over and it is 48 episodes long. It was an ABC Family show about 4 elite gymnasts working their way towards becoming Olympic athletes. Since the girls are 16, its all about them as gymnasts, and trying to juggle life and regular teenage problems while struggling to become the best gymnasts in the US. It also shows their families, and all the politics of the day to day runnings of an elite gym.

I have a love/hate relationship with the girls themselves but loved the stories dealing with the families, coach and the running of the gym. Growing up, I loved the show Full House and even now I’m known to watch it all the way through when I need something light to watch. So when one of the actresses from Full House showed up in this show (Candace Cameron-Bure), it was sort of the final thing that dragged me in for the long haul. Now I used to follow Candace on twitter and Instagram, always respected her as an actress. It never really bothered me that she was as crazy about her religion as her crazy, way too overly outspoken religious brother. Then one day, she posts about going to Chick-Fil-A with her children to support “the sanctity of traditional marriage” and splayed her support all over her twitter and Instagram but she voiced that people were so mean when they gave her a hard time over it. I just stopped following her because I have and always will stand for equal marriage rights for all and I just didn’t want to read about her close-mindedness on the subject. It never stopped me from watching Full House or anything else she was in.

Regardless, Candace plays a character in the show who is extremely religious. The character promotes abstinence and no sex before marriage, anti-abortion, she promotes prayer and going to church and finding your answers in g-d. While I enjoy watching Candace act and stood behind many of the things her character did in the show (like honesty, kindness, sticking behind her decision regardless of the outcome and always pushing open and honest communication), her performance in this show left me feeling a little uncomfortable and I spent most of my time watching the show trying to pinpoint what it was that made me so uncomfortable about it.

For those that have read my blog for any period of time know that I’ve already talked about my lack of faith. Over the years, I’ve stopped referring to myself as catholic and I’ve questioned my belief in any higher being. I won’t say that I’m atheist or any other specific belief because I don’t know where I land, I prefer to be in the undeclared pile, happy with the unknown. But watching this show and watching Candace’s character talk about her beliefs and her absolute commitment to the power of prayer, I started to come to an understanding within myself. Even though I was born and raised catholic, I never really believed.

Growing up, I would be at church events, learning about teaching religion class or getting ready for our next big religious event and the teacher and priest would talk so openly and happily about prayer and the more they talked about it, the more uncomfortable I became. I was never comfortable talking about prayer or a higher power. While they talked about the peace and happiness that came from opening oneself up to g-d, I never had that feeling and often wondered if I was simply praying wrong. I was never comfortable praying, I never felt that my words were being listened to and there was no comfort in releasing those words. I could say those same words to trusted friends and feel a wonderful release that I never got from saying them to a higher power privately. I never really felt like I fit in with the church, though through no lack of trying on their part. Going to church, I always felt like I was just going through the phases, just repeating what I was taught from a young age. It became a routine of speaking aloud and rotating between sitting, standing and kneeling, never really getting any feelings of accomplishment or contentment from it. The only thing that ever felt real was weddings and funerals and I don’t think that was from a feeling of higher power doing its thing, but rather a comfort from the process. It feels more like a means to help me process the happiness or pain and move into the next phase. I don’t feel guided by a Holy Spirit or higher power, but rather just a process that I’ve become so accustomed to that it helps trigger the grief or happy feelings that one should have. The act of a wake (calling hours), funeral and grave side service still provide me the ability to process a death but its much more the actions over any prayers bringing me peace.

Watching Candace’s character talk about g-d with such ease and comfort and seeing that Candace’s real beliefs were being shown through her acting made me a little envious. Growing up, I wished for that sort of calm and peace from prayer. If everyone else feels that, then what am I doing wrong? I wanted to believe. But instead, the more that people talked about it, the more questions I had. I thought I lost my beliefs when my grandmother died, but lately I’m starting to realize, maybe I never had that belief in the first place. I sometimes wish I did. I think it would make my life simpler. I wish I could put my blind faith in a higher power to walk me through our struggle with infertility, it would be so easy to just leave that in the hands of a higher power. I see so many in our community, especially through other means of social media, just putting such blind faith that they are on a path that g-d chose for them. I see the prayers and quoted pieces of scripture and I think that they are lucky to be able to believe so easily and that whether g-d exists or not, they have something in their life to help guide them. I wish their scripture quotes and prayers and praises didn’t make me feel quite so uncomfortable. I wish that their beliefs could transfer to me. My life would be so much easier if it could.

For now, I push through those uncomfortable feelings. I keep quiet about my lack of faith unless directly asked and let people keep their beliefs. My parents and grandparents will continue to believe that i believe. Nothing will come from telling them otherwise. I don’t want them to spend their time worrying about what will happen to my soul. I will attend church for important events. I’ll baptize my future children to appease my parents and grandparents. When the time comes that my grandparents will no longer be here with us, I will do whatever they ask of me. I will do readings or prayers in their honor because I’ve done it before for my other grandmother. I will embrace the religion for them. I will project positive vibes and feelings of comfort and peace in place of belief in a higher power. And when someone says that they will pray for me, I will thank them for their prayers. Because I know if I talk about it, people will try to “save me”. And honestly, its easier to accept the prayers of the believers over trying to explain why you think your soul doesn’t need saving. And that way, if I end up being wrong and there is a g-d out there that I may one day answer to, maybe he/she/it will consider that when they makes a decision about my afterlife…just maybe…

Friendships Worth Fighting For

Posted on January 5, 2013 by imfluffyowl

In this battle of infertility, I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by great support. We always use that phrase: we wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone but thankfully the company is amazing. And it really is. The support I’ve found is some of the most amazing I’ve ever felt. I’ve also been lucky enough to have a friend IRL who is also going through it. It blows that both of us desperately want children and can’t but we are lucky to have each other. We can be the hugs in real life that so many of us can’t extend to each other even though sometimes that is all we wish we could do.

I’ve talked about her before. I’ve never given her name because she chooses to keep her battle private and I respect her wishes in doing so. She knows that I do talk about her on occasion here at my blog, but strictly in the form of my “IF friend IRL”. We hold each other while we cry, we have that instant verbal banter and complaining back and forth that we both so desperately need sometimes. The comforting glance shared during a baby shower we are both attending. She gets the randomness of the triggers and can read the warning signs in my demeanor before I can see them myself just as I can easily do for her. One quick glance caught by no one else and suddenly a conversation is quickly diverted from that awkward area we know is inevitable. We can easily move in and out of topics of conversations from the news of a friends pregnancy to a new recipe. Together, we don’t need to always be about infertility but we can always go to that topic if we need to and there is no awkwardness if we do. A silent conversation, a choreographed dance perfected over years of mutual shared heartache. I’m so very lucky to have many amazing and understanding friends both in real life and online, both affected by infertility and even the fertile myrtles too. But this specific friendship is on a different level. Friends since elementary school (and all the stupid fights and not talking for extended periods of time added in there to boot) with a mutual pain understood by so few people.

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to have an evening out with her. Errands, just the two of us. Then we sat in her vehicle in my driveway for 45 minutes just talking. My husband even called me from inside the house asking if we would like to come in and finish talking because he doesn’t bite but we were in the zone and we would lose that zone as soon as we got out of the vehicle. We talked about everything, the husbands, our parents, drama in the families, work, and our infertility. We talked about our frustrations. What we wished other people understood, her waiting for her sporadic period to start so she could continue with testing and me starting my first round of cycle testing. We complained about the costs of treatment and where we are magically going to find money for our own treatments and questioning just how far each of us are willing to go. She asks about you guys, all of you. She asks what you would do and how each of you decide to go through it and what I take away from blogging so openly about it. She’s never really been a blogger and I don’t think she could share her story even in an anonymous setting even if she’s ok with me mentioning her on here occasionally.

But our talk yesterday did trigger something. A thought I’ve been slowly processing since. Something that was probably stored away from the PAIL discussions and healing rooms people hosted. I’m still working my way through it so my thoughts are jumbled at best. Friend and I talked about what happens if one of us makes it to our goal before the other? What changes? How do we enjoy what we have without feeling badly for our friend still there in the trenches? And she looked at me with so much determination and told me that we simply enjoy what we have, we can’t forget and we can’t feel bad. But no matter what, we will always be that support for each other. We won’t feel bad when the other is sad because that is part of the process and you will always know that the one not there yet is happy despite the pain at that moment. We don’t give up on the other and we don’t stop supporting each other. We give the other the space to process but both parties have to keep the support system whole or else it all falls apart and everyone feels left out. We acknowledge it and adjust because we are worth the work and it would hurt more to walk away cold than to work and adjust to new settings.

And honestly, it made me think of this community. I think of how many times I had to walk away from blogs because seeing it is hard, but I also think of how many of my blogging friends just dropped off the face of the blogging world after they got their happy ending. We supported these people through their treatments, through their pregnancy but for many of them, once they get that pregnancy or child they walk away from the community, never returning the support to the people still there fighting in the trenches. And I think that’s where it bugs me. A good form of support gives and takes equally. I have blogger friends who have had successful treatments and some of them still comment and read regularly yet others have gotten pregnant, changed their blog, never looked back and stopped offering support or comforting words to those who had words of support through their own struggles. I know that a bulk of my regular current blog list is pregnant now, and I know that half (if not more) of them will or have moved on to never return and to never return the support when it comes to my time. And that fact hurts more than pregnancy posts on CD1 of a failed cycle.

Is this why our divide is so strong? The clear divide of those who made it to the promise lands? Many claim they don’t know how to fit in now that they are pregnant or have children, while others still post comfortably despite their children and pregnancies and still comment with ease despite the change. Is that why people disappear? Is it because people don’t want to have reminders of their past? A good support system is an equal give and take and I sometimes get the vibe that people feel that the lack of equal support or a change in that equal support is what causes this rift.

I’m only speaking from my own personal experience, but when I choose to follow a blog, its not because they are an infertility blog. I choose to follow a blog because its a well rounded blog. I gravitate towards bloggers that write about everything in their life, not just one topic. These people become my friends and I create a rapport with them because I’m getting a view into their life and seeing their thought process. (An excellent example would be Mel @ Stirrup Queens) When one of those bloggers announce a pregnancy, I congratulate them and tell them that I’m truly happy and I’ll comment where I can. I want them to know that I’m always reading even if its a bad day or I can’t comment. I regularly comment on blogs that I’m comfortable enough to comment on. And if I’m comfortable enough to comment on your blog regularly, I’m comfortable enough to have you sit at my kitchen table and share a pot of tea with me. That’s what a comment means to me when I write on your post. If I’m willing to share something of my life in a comment and I do it often, its the equivalent of inviting you into my home for a cup of tea (or coffee), offering you a cinnamon roll I just took out of the oven and telling you to help yourself. So the clear loss of a blogger or a definitive change in their blogging style may drop my interest or comments. For instance, a blogger who regularly posts about a variety of topics like funny work stories, pets, something your spouse did, your infertility and how you destroyed supper last night turns into the blogger that suddenly only posts her weekly pregnancy updates and that’s it, will suddenly find me not commenting as much anymore because I comment on things when I feel I can contribute to the conversation or story. I’ll read it at first and then gradually start skimming it and before you know it, I just start passing over your post in my reader claiming that I’ll get to it later because so and so has a great discussion about this random article they found and I can contribute to that more than the other post. It broke my heart when I realized that I did that to 2 blogs. They were regular commenters, always positive comments and taking part in discussions on both blogs. Keeping up with me just as much as i was keeping up on them, kind words passed back and forth. They were both lucky, they both got pregnant. Their blogs went from random stories and anecdotes from their lives to pregnancy posts with funny pregnancy stories and other stories mixed in which I commented on if they were funny or I had something to contribute. Then all it was anymore was their weekly pregnancy posts talking about their symptoms and baby bumps. I’m not saying anything negative about those types of posts but when they are the only thing you post, its hard to make any sort of comment on it. I can’t commiserate with them, cause I’ve never been there, and if I comment with something along the lines of “yay that’s great” every single time, it sounds forced and fake and I’d rather not comment than have something come off as lip service. Then neither one of them has commented or even shown any interest in anything in my world since the early weeks of their pregnancy. I started skimming their posts, then I started saying I’d come back to it later because so and so had a post up about an article I was meaning to read. Then I realized that I completely missed over the post announcing the birth of each respective child. And realizing that? It made my stomach sick. And not because they have a child and I don’t. But rather because we stopped caring about each other. It felt like the end of a friendship.

I’m not saying its their fault or that its their job to entertain me, but its also not my job to contribute if its something I can’t relate to. And while I have absolutely no intention to find someone to lay blame on, we need to understand where it’s starting because we can’t fix it if we don’t know what caused it. Before we decide if we no longer fit in a community that aims to be inclusive of all people in all stages of the ALI world, we need to assess why we feel these changes and then see what/if anything caused this change other than a BFP. You know what? I know I’ve been guilty of just dropping off the earth too. We all know life happens. We know that some people really are just really sensitive to that sort of big news. But as IFer’s, we know that some things with a pregnancy can be triggers for others and you more than anyone get that and know that as long as the pregnancy isn’t your entire life, they will be there when they can, however they can. I just spent the last two months moving my parents to their new home, packing up my apartment and moving into out first home just weeks before Christmas and that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what I’ve been dealing with lately. So clearly, my communication within the community has dropped because I just haven’t had the time to read, comment and participate and it took me 3 weeks at one point to approve comments because I just kept forgetting to approve them even though I read them. I didn’t even participate in ICLW in December (my first in probably more than a year) and my blog felt naked and wrong all through ICLW. But with that, views on my blog were down, comments were even more scarce. I walked into that knowing that I can’t receive without giving. It’s not my job to entertain you but its also not your job to stick around and stroke my ego when I’m giving you nothing. So therefore, I can’t complain about lack of support during that time because you can’t read my mind and this is your only view into my life. Just like I can’t expect my real life friends and family to always read and comment on my rants about infertility. If I talked to them every minute of everyday about my infertility, they would lose interest in me just as fast as I would lose interest in them if all they ever did was talk about their children 24/7. We then lose the common ground we had because the topics that we talk about have changed. It’s not entirely my fault or their fault but rather equal parts acceptance of the issue by both parties and that if we are willing to look at the root of the change we might be able to fix that gap. Because if we don’t, the friendship will crumble and fall apart.

The discussion with my friend last night triggered these thoughts and they are just starting to form in my mind. But even though my thoughts are still a work in progress, I open the debate on this with anyone because I want my thoughts questioned and explored. I want to see the things I’m overlooking. I want to look at this from a different light. I want to understand it so that i will still feel comfort and welcomed in this community if I ever get the chance to make it to the other side (either through that BFP and healthy baby in my arms or finding comfort in the choice to live a full life without children) I want to understand and most of all, I want to keep my friends in the blogging world. I don’t want them to all drop off the face of the earth. Especially because they may feel that they no longer fit or they feel that they are hurting others. I don’t want to be jaded by the fact that I give support but its not returned by those that I gave it to because they moved on and away from the rest of us. I want that equal partnership of support, giving and taking as needed. I want the fight to be equal. I want to fight for all of you just like me and my friend will fight those feelings to keep the support equal, to be happy for each other no matter what. I just want people to fight for it as much as I’m willing to fight for it. It may seem like a tall list to ask for, but honestly, is it really that tall of a list?

Can Your Spouse Truly Be Your Best Friend?

Posted on February 28, 2012 by imfluffyowl

Redbook magazine posted a link on twitter to one of their stories looking for feedback. The article was about who takes the leadership role in your relationship. The article was interesting, set to grab your attention and make you take a stance. And I do have a stance. A rather vocal one at that. But while reading the article and forming my own opinion, it also brought up another question that raises just as many thoughts and that is simply, can your spouse truly be your best friend?

So I’ll break this down for you. The article summed up is written by the author after she went to a church meeting with a speaker. The speaker’s point of view on marriage is that the woman should always be submissive to their husband because that’s what the bible tells us. The author strongly disagrees with the speakers point of view and she weighs whether one spouse should hold the role of leader vs. having an equal partnership and making decisions together.

“Call me idealistic or young and naïve, but my ideal situation with my man would be an equal one, where if an issue arises, we solve it together. And if there’s a decision that needs to be made, we’ll weigh the pros and cons, and then make the decision together. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work? I mean, whatever happened to “equal partnerships” and making decisions together—without someone having a slightly higher status or? Is that even possible? Are romantic relationships ever truly equal?”

While I see her positive outlook and understand it, I also don’t agree with it. (Bare with me, I’ll get to my point and explain it in detail.) My issue is that ideally, while in a perfect marriage in a perfect situation this would work. But none of us are in a perfect marriage. None of us are in the perfect situation. All of us walk into our marriage with issues (small or big, we all have them). And of course there are outside factors. Are you living with a parent/taking care of an elderly parent? Do you have a high enough paying job to live comfortably? Do you have bills that you worry about? Did your car break down the other day on the way to work and you suddenly need a lot of money you don’t have to fix it? Did one of you lose your job due to no fault of your own? You see where I’m going with this, right? No matter what, our marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect and honestly there is no “perfect”.

But while we don’t have the elusive “perfect” life, we all do our best to make our marriage run as smoothly as possible. Saying that, most couples have found their way in their relationship, they have found the way that makes it all work for them. It’s not perfect, it has many flaws, but at the end of the day, the good mostly outweighs the bad. They have a system that works for them. Maybe you aim to have the best equal partnership that you both can manage. Some people are great at working together on everything to make it all happen. Others, not so much. So for the sake of this argument (discussion?), I will use my own marriage as an example:

Chris and I will be together 9 years on May 31st of this year. We will be married 3 years on September 5th of this year. We were engaged for two of those years. We have lived together for almost 5 of those 9 years. We are a fairly easy going couple and the bulk of our fighting has emerged with the stress of infertility. We fight like any couple but usually its a bit of bickering and we move on. Or aim is to be equals in the marriage. And for the most part, we can be. But we have learned that by being equal in the partnership, we have not come to that by me being completely submissive to him, or him be completely submissive to me, or even us sitting down and talking about everything together and coming to a decision as a couple. We have found our stride is making sure that all big decisions (buying a house or car, deciding to have kids, seek help for our infertility…) we make as a couple. We weigh the pros and cons and make the most informed decision we can. But in doing that, we have also learned to let each other be the “leader” where their strengths clearly are far more superior to our own. We don’t buy groceries together, he has no say, its all me. Again with the kitchen, all me. Where he clearly leads, he takes the lead. Organizing our bills, paying the bills and setting up a budget are his strong points.

You are probably agreeing with some of this and saying, sure Kim, that’s normal. We all do this. But I also would ask to take the discussion just a bit farther. We do not just have our strong points where we become leaders, but we also have periods of time where one is clearly the leader over the other. For instance, my husband is recovering from a bad break in his ankle, that required surgery. Since he hurt himself, I have clearly stepped into the leader role. I take care of everything. I am the breadwinner in the family right now and I am caring for him, therefore I am in the leader role. I don’t really want to, but I am. This also happened with my mother when my father took his heart attack 7 years ago and required a triple bypass surgery, followed by an emergency corrective surgery and a lung surgery just 3 months later. And last summer, I was also the leader while my husbands anxiety disorder got out of whack and his meds needed to be changed and adjusted. If I had relied on him, we would have been lost. But during other times like when we got our infertility diagnosis or I lost my job and felt hopeless, he took over the leader role. We simply transition in and out of the roles as we need to. And sometimes, you need a leader instead of a collective partnership when it comes to decisions.

So that’s where I disagree with both the speaker at the church and the author of the article. I think for a marriage to really work, its a lot of give and take. But, it’s also a lot of switching roles as necessary in order to keep things running smoothly. Things can’t always be resolved as an equal partnership. Sometimes, I think, you need one person to take the reigns and make the decisions on behalf of the two. I think some form of leadership is necessary, but not in a submissive way. What are your thoughts on the article and my interpretation of the article?

But while collecting my thoughts for the response to the article, it brought me to another thought. Many people who claim to use an equal partnership role for everything tend to always state in their response, “well my spouse is my best friend! We don’t make any decision without consulting the other for their opinion first!” (as a side note, I have no scientific proof to back this up, just my experiences alone) And sure my first thought on that is on the sarcastic side and I tend to come back with, “well, do you ask your husband for an opinion on what book you are going to read next, or what webpage you are gonna visit next? What about supper? Do you always ask your husband’s input on what to make before you actually start supper?” And sure, maybe some people do that. But I don’t. But what grabs me immediately is usually the statement of “my spouse is my best friend”. And here’s my thing, I don’t consider my husband to be my best friend. And I never have.

I have not once labelled my husband as my best friend and my husband does not consider me his best friend either. I have best friends, as does my husband. But we do not play that role for each other. My husband is many things in my world without being my best friend. He’s my spouse, my lover, someone who helps me make decisions, someone who makes me happy, someone who I love with all my heart. We have a very tender and loving relationship. But we are not best friends. My best friends are people who simply play a different role in my life. I know in some cases where your spouse has been your best friend as a child and grew into more, but for many you meet your husband later in your life. Friends are the people that play a specific role in your life. Generally, they are the ones that have been there through a growing period in our life. They are helpful and caring and loving. We are close and love each other for who they are but that love is so different from the love that I share with my husband. But with Chris, he just doesn’t fit that title. My husband is so much more than a friend. I wouldn’t even go so far as to label him my soul mate either (mostly because I don’t believe in soul mates), but he is important to me (so very important to me) in a way that bears no comparison to my friends. It’s like comparing apples and oranges, cats and dogs or black and white. Sure they have a common factor but they fill such completely different roles that they simply cannot be put into the same category. Now, as I finish off this post, I feel the need to point out that I don’t think my way of thinking is right or wrong, just my thoughts. To each their own. But that leads me to ask: Do you refer to your spouse as your best friend? If so, why/why not? Do your thoughts differ from mine? Please share your thoughts in the comments, I welcome any discussion as I’m curious as to what you think about it as well.

Is It Really About The Kids?

Posted on October 26, 2011 by imfluffyowl

So, while doing my daily check ins on my friends on facebook, I seen that this article was quickly making the rounds on the walls of my friends who have children, and these mothers are praising the article like its the cure to cancer. I have always been the person to see both sides of the argument and this is no exception. I will go into detail about this article in a minute but I just want to make a point here. I am in no way against mothers who have children. You have an amazing gift that is rather time consuming. A child is a part of your life, a very big part. Its something that I crave on a very basic level on a daily basis. So what I say has nothing to do with my jealousy of those that do have children. I am childfree right now, but not by choice. I’m fighting for this chance every. single. day. I want to be run off my feet from chasing a child or children around the house. I want to go to work with no sleep because the baby didn’t sleep. I want the aches and pains that come with motherhood. So please remember this as the post continues.

First, my issue with this post is that the person asking the question did not do a great job at covering his/her issue properly and eloquently. They could have found a better way to ask. But I think the person answering this question took sarcasm way over the line. Both parties could have taken a different route and still got their message clearly across.

Now my other issues, which I will put as eloquently as I can, is that I both agree and disagree with the article. I understand that mothers are run off their feet. I understand that parents are always exhausted. That there are sleepless nights, puking babies, kids crawling all over your while you do the simplest of chores or tasks. But the author makes it seem that because they are a mother that they are clearly the only ones who know what an exhausting day is. That this is the only type of exhaustion there can be. This author, in my view, also makes it seem reasonable for a friend to forget her other friends and stop contact and it be OK because she simply has children. I honestly think that this is a choice. Sure, yes you are busy, yes you are tired and maybe you don’t have as much time for your friend as you used to, but that doesn’t make it OK to stop contact or stop having any time for friend. Sure, you are on the go non-stop, but so are the rest of us. And where we don’t have children, we clearly have things that step into its place. What about the person working two full time jobs, or someone who is caring for an elderly dying family member, or someone dealing with things on a highly emotional level. How many infertile women feel exhausted at the end of the work day because we are just trying to get through the day without crying or letting the hopeless feeling take over us? Then we come home to see our friends complaining about the one thing we are willing to do just about anything to have. For some of us, we are simply on the edge of a cliff called depression waiting for that one last push to knock us tumbling down into depression. I believe that there are two different types of people, those that genuinely do not have time because of their kids but still communicate, and those that really do use their children as an excuse to get out of stuff that they feel are beneath them or just not worth their time anymore. And sadly, I have friends with kids who fall into one or the other of these two categories.

I, as a childless (for now) friend, have always shown understanding to my friends with children. I’ve always shown extreme patience, have taken broken plans with a grain of salt and have always given the benefit of the doubt. I know that the kids come first. I understand that its hard to just drop everything and go out for coffee. I understand that things like sitters need to be set up. Hell, sometimes I’ve been that babysitter for friends so that they could go grocery shopping without having to bundle up multiple children, or give them a break to go out on a date with their husband. I’ve been the friend willing to come to you if you don’t have a sitter. I come with coffee and food just to catch up for a bit. I invite you and your child over just so we can catch up. I know you are tired, I know you have things keeping you busy in your life, but I do not feel that I should be the only one attempting contact. If you have friends and you truly love and care about them, then I am of the mindset that you at least attempt to keep them in your life. The friendship was a two way street at first, so why should that change? I’m not asking you to drop everything you are doing just to hang out with me, but a simple email catching up or a text message or an invite to something from your end will do as much for the friendship as me doing it. It should not be entirely on the childless friend to make this contact. How is that fair?

As I have said, I have friends with children who fall into one or the other category. I have a friend who has 5 children. A friend who I hold very close to my heart. A friend who understands me, my struggles and doesn’t judge me. Her kids are aged 16, 13, 10, 4, and 2. They are a handful and she is a wonderful mother. But regardless of how busy her family keeps her, she keeps in contact with me. She has the amazing ability to just know (with no extra knowledge on her part) when I really need someone to talk to or just sit with and she tracks me down. We rarely get to go anywhere other than her house and if we plan on going out together, she has to plan well in advance to get a sitter, so most times we simply stay at her place. A normal day for us is the two of us on her couch or relaxing on her front step with kids crawling over both of us while we talk. We are regularly interrupted by kids, husbands, pets. But its still our time together and we make the friendship work. She finds time for me in her life, she openly accepts me into her life, regardless of her work, husband, 5 kids and menagerie of pets. And I openly accept her life, her family and adjust my idea of a girls night or an evening out just so that I can still have that friendship with her.

I also have other friends who have less children but both work and go to school on top of it, and they still find time in their day to send me texts or call me just to say hi and check in. Earlier in the week, I got a text from said friend just saying, “Hey love, I miss you!! Coffee soon? I might have to take the kid, depending on the day, k?” And those short calls, texts, and attempts mean the world to me for the simple fact that they found time for me in their busy day. They showed me that I am a part of their life. We may not get out for coffee for another 2 weeks, but this time, she made contact and I really don’t care if the kid comes along. She plays while we play catch up. They don’t use their kids as an excuse. I have a friend who is a single mom to a handsome boy who owns my heart the second he looks at my with those baby blue eyes of his. Getting out to hang out can, more often than not, be difficult. But her way of keeping in touch with me are calls and inviting me to do stuff with her and her son. If I don’t hear from her in a week, I call. If she doesn’t hear from me in over a week, she calls me knowing that I’m getting caught up in my own thoughts and I need to decompress over some girl chat. I’m regularly invited to parties, day trips, road trips, drives, and birthdays with her and her son. They take no offense if I am the one busy, but there is always welcoming arms for me as the childless friend. And I love them for that. Isn’t that what friendship should be? Just understanding and being there for each other? Open communication, honesty and understanding from both parties?

Then there are other friends who always have a new reason why they don’t contact me or ask me to hang out. Or who get after me when I don’t contact them but they might message me once or twice a month under the guise of “oh, I’ve been busy” While their facebook or twitter walls show that they have been playing games or doing stuff with other people. And when I ask if they want to get together, give them all my free days off to hang out and they never get back to me. These people simply tell me some variation of the same excuse that the person in the article articulates rather poorly. There is always something going on with the kids. The kids are sick or the kids had a playdate with another of their friends who have kids. They have an excuse for every event they are invited to or they say they are gonna be there and they just don’t show up and don’t tell you. I’m not saying that they are bad people for it, but in some cases, it makes them a bad friend (a bit). And I’m not saying I’m innocent either. Sometimes I don’t contact them. Sometimes I forget to get back in touch with them. And sure, my other friends sometimes cancel. Their kids get sick and their kids have events to go to, but they at least tell me and try to reschedule. But I’ve learned that these main offenders that I have issues with are the same people that always had excuses readily available in the past, just insert a different topic instead of kids. So in this case, I do feel that some mothers like to blame their kids for their lack of communication, when really its just an excuse to get them out of something. And sure, sometimes its a valid reason, but when someone uses that excuse so many times, its hard to tell when the valid ones are, well, valid…

So, when it comes to the article, I agree and disagree with the author. I agree that being a mother is a wonderful but exhausting gift that you don’t get a day off from. But I disagree with the fact that this is always a valid excuse to use when it comes to friendships. And if you are making that many excuses, are you making these excuses because you are tired or because you can’t be bothered to work on the friendship? I have a husband and I know that sometimes I use him as an excuse to get out of things I don’t want to attend, but on more occasions than I can count, I have forced myself to go to an event because it was expected of me and maybe I’ll get to see those friends who don’t normally have time for me. Both of my grandparents health are poor and they are clearly in their final years of their life. Its tiring on my entire family. On top of that, I work a full time job. I have a husband who suffers from an anxiety disorder, and he’s adjusting to a new medicine which is trying on both of us because his attacks are happening so much more often than normal. The attacks themselves are exhausting on both of us. We spend a lot of time at hospitals when hes trying to regulate his meds. We deal with our infertility every single day. It’s all consuming. We are trying desperately to figure out how we will afford just one round of treatment if we have to go that far in our struggle. Sure we don’t have a kid, but this would be exhausting to the average person, child or not. Mentally and physically, I am exhausted. All the time. But I still find time for my friends, to keep in contact. But over the past couple of months, while I have worked to grow a thicker skin, I started giving to those that give to me. I want the friendships where the work is a even give and take. I am making the effort, but only for the people who make the effort for me. This may sound selfish, but I think its OK to be selfish in this. I am learning to mirror the effort. I have spent too many years putting effort into friendships where they didn’t give any effort or care to me. I will give my friends what they give me. If they don’t have time for me, I won’t have time for them. And it has nothing to do with their kids.

A single, child-free friend helped me come to this realization when I met up with her and she confronted me about my lack of contact with her. She questioned whether it was because she couldn’t possibly understand my struggles, so I pulled away. And I think, deep down, that was part of it. We grew apart and it was weird for a while. She was my maid of honor and then we just stopped talking. But she confronted me and talked to me and asked me to explain it and asked what she could do to help and offered what advice she had and let me be me and we found ourselves again. We’re not perfect and we still need work but she helped open my eyes to my errors and in turn has given me the gift of a second chance and helped me to see the errors in my other friendships which when approached, will help make my life smoother and drama free. So thank you S for that gift. Thank you for giving me the chance to work on this friendship again. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for pulling the reigns and doing something that many do not have the guts to do. I’m taking from you and moving towards the next step in my life. This is my first real approach to my friends on this topic. But I doubt it will be my last.

I also welcome anyone’s thoughts on this article. Do you agree with me? Do you disagree? Do you agree with the author? Or the person asking the question? Please share in the comments if you have any thoughts. You don’t have to have a blog to have an opinion! :o)

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
― Mark Twain