BERJAYA

I want to post. I’m slightly tipsy because I drank with my best friend tonight. But I want to post.

So bare with me here.

The first few days of not working has left me in a tailspin. I sorta don’t know what to do with myself or my time. I’ve gone shopping. I’ve hung out with friends. I baked. I went for drive on my own in dad’s truck to get food and Starbucks. Over the past 3 days, I’ve watched almost 2 full seasons of The West Wing. My husband is ready to lose his mind.

I want to clean, but I lack the willpower.

I need to fold the clothes, but I go into get it and the cats are laying on the clean clothes looking so comfy and I can’t bring myself to move them, let alone find the willpower to fold them.

I’ve spent hours on pinterest.

Hubby and I started playing World of Warcraft again and our characters (my cute panda hunter called Fluffyowl and her trusty pet Rory, yeah I know, I’m soooo creative) are already hovering around level 30.

I need to be an adult, but I’m forever stuck in teenage lazy mode.

I need to desperately type up the notes, an intro letter and documents for our introduction package for the parents meeting at our first night back to Brownies. That’s still sitting in my girl guide bag. Instead I’m writing about me not doing it on here.

I need to clean. I need to properly drain the sink. I need to clean both bathrooms. And clean my room so bad.

I, just…don’t wanna do it.

If anyone has seen my mature adult self roaming around, could you send her back (with a Pumpkin Spice Latte too, if its not too much trouble), she can probably be found roaming around aimlessly at my former work place looking for work to do and feeling lost and confused.

Great, now I want another Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Come on, Kim, snap out of it!

It’s that time of year.

The time of year where I’m constantly dealing with a chill, lamenting the loss of the heat, beaches and summer road trips. The time that my husband loves, he finally comes back in full force to the fun and carefree man I fell in love with. He’s out for walks, enjoying the crisp fall air, geocaching in what he calls the “perfect geocaching weather”, not too cold but not too hot to explore. But its also the time of year where we fight the most. I guess I shouldn’t say fight so much as strong bickering over the little things. We fight over the fact that I’m freezing and desperately want to turn on the heat while Chris still has the windows open telling me that its finally the perfect weather to have the window open. The back and forth banter of, “Shut the window, I’m freezing my rear off here!” to be returned with “Put on a sweater if you are so cold.” The back and forth of, “Kim there is no need to turn on the heat yet.” to come back with, “Dammit Chris, if you kept the windows closed I wouldn’t have to turn on the heat.” Then of course is the back and forth of me closing the bedroom window and him opening it the second I go to the bathroom. I’m foolish enough to think that I can pull off just a bit more time wearing my flip flops then Chris catches me with an exasperated, “No wonder you’re cold Kim!”

We have a good yearly battle going on. It’s all in good fun, no hurt feelings, just the everyday banter of a couple who has spent almost a decade together. But even with the bantering back and forth, the loss of “beach weather” and the bit of hail (HAIL?!?) that we were graced with today, off and on since I woke up, we are embracing the fall season. As we get closer to Halloween, we find our stride. Chris finally starts leaving the windows closed. The heat goes on but only low and we’ll fight about the heat til spring. Chris packs away my flip flops while I whine about how my feet feel way too confined in socks and sneakers. I get to enjoy my hoodies and sweater coats again. And I love my sweater coats. At last count I think I had about 20-25. And they range from the ratty one that goes with my sweat pants, the knitted one that was passed down to me from Chris’s mom right up to the fancy ones that I wear with dress pants or dresses. I love to layer my clothes.

But there are other things we love about the fall. The colors that come with the changing leaves. The beauty of Cape Breton in the fall. I dare all of you to google image search for “Cabot Trail fall colors” to see what I’m talking about. Fall used to mean the return to school for us, but not anymore. But it still means Thanksgiving in October, the hunt for the perfect halloween costume, going to a local farm to buy my pumpkin and the countdown to my birthday. It’s also the time to enjoy the cooling off but still time before the snow makes an appearance, and I hate the snow.

Besides this, my life over the past few weeks has been hectic. Emotionally, I’ve been fighting to get back on track, to get over my owns issues and convince myself that every pregnancy is not out to get me like my internal dialogue thinks it is. Chris decided that working out west is too much for him, so the fear of finding the money we need for treatment has been put back on my mind. I’m worried about him finding local work again and now I’m looking for a second job. I’ve been fighting with my parents since Chris decided he wasn’t going back. My father lacks understanding of mental illnesses so he thinks Chris just doesn’t want to work and he’s lazy, even though it has nothing to do with that. My relationship with my father right now is rocky at best and that is now affecting my work, which isn’t a surprise considering that daddy dearest is my boss. Add to the fact that we are all still coming down from a bad month last month (my uncle passing away suddenly, the family drama associated with that, a dear friend being diagnosed with a tumor similar to the one that took the life of my uncle), and I’m already stretched a little thin emotionally to begin with. So my patience is thin because of all that and I seem to be taking it out on everyone around me or who comes in contact with me. The moving date has been pushed back to mid November now because of contractors not showing up to do their job at my parents new house. I’ve just been so frazzled. I hate the lack of control in my life as of late and everything is suffering because of it. Even my blog, reading other blogs and commenting. I find it hard to keep my concentration on anything. So I really don’t know what is going on with anyone. I sit down to read and catch up and fall asleep sitting up. I go to comment on what I’ve actually read and I’m staring at a blank comment box waiting for the words to come. But they never show.

Plus I’m also not afraid to admit that even with the password protected posts, everything that happened has made me double think everything I write. I don’t want to let what they did affect me or my space, but I’ve been burned by people who only look to judge, mock and belittle me despite having nothing else to do with me or my life. My words were taken and construed into something that was hurtful and mean even if it was only about myself moving on and my own hope that they find peace despite what happened. But that comfort of having a safe place to write is slowly coming back a little more each day. I’m finally starting to feel the urge to write. Words are starting to form. This post formed itself with little prodding from me. I have the urge to read again. I started to re-read The Hunger Games trilogy over the past week and it’s reignited my need to devour words again. To check in. To write and comment. Now…I just need to find the time.

To all my fellow bloggers, what’s up? I miss you guys. What have I missed? And my apologies if you see a sudden slam of comments from me on older posts. Don’t mind me, just playing catch up!

To anyone new, welcome.

And to people here only to read my words and judge me negatively, especially if you are family who have nothing to do with me otherwise, take a hike.

Here’s hoping for a break from my slump! 🙂