Leaving On A Jet Plane

Posted on August 19, 2012 by imfluffyowl

We’re going way back here. Do you remember the movie Armageddon? Now, I might age myself here, but the year was 1998 and I was 16. It starred Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler. It had a hit song by Aerosmith, “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing“. But it also had another song that seen some popularity. It was a remake of a John Denver song, “Leaving On A Jet Plane” and it was sung by Canadian artist Chantal Kreviazuk.

Back before we got married, my husband went out west to work in the camps for his trade of metal fabrication. It was a month there, one week home. I hated seeing him leave, but at the time this was the best way. And when he left, this song sort of became my anthem. Because he was one of the last in that rotation to be hired and the fact that they over hired, he was one of the first to be laid off at the end of his first rotation. When he came back home, he decided not to go back out and got a decent job at home.But even now, when I randomly hear this song, those feelings of him getting on that plane resurface.

Fast forward to last month when my dad got my husband indentured in the electrical trade. Then fast forward again to yesterday when he got the call I was both excited for and dreading. It’s official. He got his flight information and he flies out first thing Tuesday morning. We’ve been waiting for this for almost 2 months at this point and now hes leaving and I have to convince my heart that we made the right decision.

Here’s the thing, we need money for treatments. With both of us working jobs around here, it would take us years just to save for one round of IVF and I would be well into advanced maternal age before we could give it our first try. With Chris accepting the job in Alberta, his starting wage as a first year electrician is more than double what he is making here and the further he goes with his schooling and moves up in the trade blocks, the more money he will make. We can finally take care of ourselves comfortably, afford as many treatments as necessary to get our end goal of children, start a savings and college funds for our children before they even make their appearance in our life and maybe even enjoy some traveling.

But the down parts remain. For every 3 weeks we have together, 2 of them will be spent apart. And by apart, I literally mean on opposite ends of the country. My heart aches at the mere thought of sleeping without him. My best sleep has always been curled up to him. Our conversations will have to happen over a skype video chat. Then of course are the things that he will miss. Birthdays, anniversaries and important dates and get togethers. Right now, the day of our 3 year wedding anniversary, he will be spending the entire day traveling home to me. And he will be flying out on the morning of my 30th birthday. Talk about shitty huh? And so far, hes also missing Thanksgiving and Halloween. On top of that, I will be the one overseeing the packing and moving into our home in late October. I will have to rely on the help of family and friends to paint and unpack.

Then of course, what happens when we do get pregnant? I will spend most of my pregnancy alone. Then of course, infertility was the final nail in the coffin for this decision. We needed money for treatment and now he will have to work away once we finally have what we aimed for. Thankfully, we live close to both sets of parents so I’m not alone alone, but my partner, my love, will be spending most of his time watching from afar through a computer. Mind you once I finally give birth, I will give up my maternity leave and give it to Chris, let him take the year off so that he doesn’t miss out, so I can have him home for an extended time. There are perks to being Canadian and the year of maternity leave that can be used by either spouse is one of the best perks. But what about after that year? That part scares me.

So while in many ways it seems like an easy choice to make, its not. It comes at a cost. I’ve been asked why we don’t both just up and relocate, but it becomes redundant. Cost of living here is infinitely cheaper and relocating out there would put us in the same money situation that we are in now with no hope of banking money at a fast rate for treatment. By doing camp work, they pay your way up and back, you live on site so everything you make is take home. There are no costs to the worker, money wise, to this sort of job. Regardless, the emotional costs are high and I only hope that we can handle this.When Chris got his call, I jumped from excited to petrified more often that I could possibly count. From certainty that we could do this to sheer fear that we couldn’t handle it.

I wish I could share my fears, have someone talk me down from the emotional ledge I find myself on every couple of hours. My mother has been living this life for 13 years and while her words are comforting to an extent, I just wish I could fast forward to a point where I could be comfortable with it, like my mother.

So on Tuesday morning while I say goodbye to my husband for two weeks and watch him board that plane, Leaving On A Jet Plane will be playing on repeat in my mind.

We can do this. Yes. I’m certain of it.

…Right?

I’d Rather Sleep on the Couch Than Sleep Without You

Posted on September 12, 2011 by imfluffyowl

This weekend, my parents asked me to house and pet sit for them while they took a trip up to Halifax. This is a fairly regular occurrence when dad is home. At least once every other month. I stay at the parents for the whole weekend. I eat their food, spend time with the pets and watch lots of movies in high def. It also gives me a chance to do some of the paperwork for the business in peace without mom over my shoulder asking me what I’m doing every two minutes.Like this week, I caught up on the week I was off and finished month end deductions in complete peace and quiet. Chris will usually come visit me cause its 20 minutes away, but he usually doesn’t stay the night because we don’t like to leave the cats alone all night.

But the downside to this is that I’m away from home for the entire weekend. And honestly, I miss home. Chris and I made a place for ourselves, its our stuff and its us. I miss it all, the kitties, the apartment and Chris. I missed Chris so much this weekend. We’ve been together for 8 years. Four of those years we lived together. So now, I find it difficult to go to sleep without him. I have seen me go to bed at 9pm exhausted and stay awake til 1:30 when Chris comes to bed and I just pass out once hes next to me.

Its gotten to the point that when I go to my parents, I can’t sleep in the double bed because I reach for him in my sleep. If hes not there, I have a restless sleep and I wake up exhausted the next day. So I crash on the couch at my parents all weekend. And by sleeping on the couch (regardless of how comfortable it is- and it is comfortable) I have a less than stellar sleep all weekend.

Then I call hubby telling him that I miss him and I wish he was here with me. And I find out that because I’m not home, hes sleeping on our couch. With my pillow. Because he missed me and he would not get a good nights sleep in our bed alone. I take comfort in that. Its the little things that make me grateful for Chris and its the little things that always remind me just how much I love him. I’m pretty lucky.

Two Years Of Wedded Bliss

Posted on September 5, 2011 by imfluffyowl

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes…pain, waiting, doctors and fertility treatments??? Funny, they never sang that song on the elementary school playgrounds at recess.

So today (September 5th, 2011) marks mine and Chris’s 2nd Wedding Anniversary. We dated for 4 years, he proposed on our 4th anniversary, and got married a little over 2 years after that. It’s been a long year. Probably the longest and hardest yet in our 8+ years together.

This past year, we hit the 2.5 year mark since we started trying to conceive. It also marked Chris’s diagnosis of Male Factor. We have had to deal with the fallout from all of that. And its not easy. We have had to watch people who got married after us get pregnant and have babies while we continue to struggle. This year also marks the first time that Chris has felt the pain that I have felt during the entire 2.5 years of our struggle. We have been dealing with Chris’s anxiety disorder and his panic attacks and we have spent more time in hospital ER’s than not this past year.

But with the bad comes the good. Chris finally left his job because of the effects that it was having on his health. Hes happier and currently looking for a job that will make him happier. I lost my job, or rather, was told there was nothing there for me after 7 years of working because the new boss hated my guts and was scared of me. But with the job loss (and me telling bitch of a new boss to take the job and shove it up her ass) came a new job and a new opportunity for me. And now I have a job where I am happy and I am appreciated for my work. People no longer take advantage of me. I’m no longer expected to work and take shifts for people who call off cause they are “sick” but later post pictures of their drinking parties on facebook. I no longer deal with stupid people, pervy and inappropriate old men, or random calls at all hours.

But you know what? In all of this fight, we still haven’t lost ourselves as individuals or as a couple. Sure at times the bad days outnumber the good, but we’re still here, and we’re still fighting and we won’t stop fighting. From reading my blog, you might not get that impression. But I tend to get the writing bug when times are especially hard and I need to sort out my mind, cause quite frankly, I can’t afford to take up baking full time to sort this out. Chris will eventually explode or become seriously diabetic from all the sweets hes sneaking from the kitchen and I’m gonna do the same to my friends that I’m giving it all away to. I hope that once we finally do get to have a child of our own, that we can look back at these first few years and be proud that we have made it, that we pushed through it and we are stronger for it in the end.

Earlier tonight, Chris and I went to Chris’s parents for supper. And I have to say, I was incredibly blessed with wonderful in-laws. I hear so many horror stories about in-laws and I have none. (ok, maybe not “none” but the woman calling once a day and having an uncanny ability to call right when we are about to have sex is annoying but its nothing in comparison, right?) But I get along wonderfully with both. Its the first time I have seen them in weeks and they invited us over for supper the day before our anniversary to celebrate. Debbie made my favorite, meatloaf (but after perfecting my own recipe, I’m starting to enjoy mine more but shhhh please don’t tell her that) and we had a great, relaxing supper. They gave us a $50 gift card for Boston Pizza and she made her famous cheesecake for dessert. After supper, while relaxing with a cup of tea and Chris was out in the barn with his father, me and Debbie got to sit down and really talk. I’m always grateful for these talks when they happen. It’s general gossip about the families and then if I’m feeling like it, we talk about my infertility.

Now that may seem like a big deal to many, but my mother-in-law is someone who is a great support (sometimes too over supportive, shes not perfect) because she herself struggled with infertility. She was diagnosed with PCOS shortly after her one and only miscarriage and eventually had to have a hysterectomy at age 25. She adopted my husband shortly after her hysterectomy.While talking today, she asked how I was doing and after talking about our wait for an appointment with the urologist, we somehow got onto the topic of facebook, blogging and my own movement of sorts into “coming out as an infertile”. While talking about the supports I have found in prominent bloggers in the infertile community and my own sharing of information on infertility on my own facebook she looked at me and said words that I never expected to hear. “You are so strong.”

Huh? I look around to make sure that she is, in fact, talking to me. I look at her again, confused and shes laughing at me. When did I become strong? I’m the mopey, whiney, cry-baby when it comes to anything related to pregnancy in those around me. This blog is my place to whine and moan so I don’t annoy the living hell out of my friends, who can only take so much. But she told me I was strong. Me. In shock, I asked her what made me so strong. Her response: “You don’t think about just yourself when it comes to this disease. You honestly care if others in your situation are hurting and you are looking out for them. You have the courage to accept the disease that you are both affected by and come out about it. You find productive ways to get out what you need to, to be able to survive. You know your weaknesses and you are now standing up when things are too hard on you. When many suffer in silence. I see the fight in your face, you are a fighter.”

Wow. Really? Those words gave me courage today. And I started to notice some things. I don’t cry as much when there is pregnancy talk (though when I do cry, its a gut wrenching cry and its followed by carbs or unhealthy food or smoking). I now have the courage to say no when things are rough. I declined my first baby shower invite today. I didn’t give a reason, but those close to me who are invited will understand and if people are offended, then I’m sorry, but my mental health comes first. I have to look out for me first. So maybe, after all, I am becoming strong.

So on our 2 year anniversary, after looking back at the past 2 years I can honestly say, that while moments have sucked royally, we are at a point where we are growing stronger as a couple. We are moving forward. We are not letting this disease dampen our love for each other or the fight that we have to finally have a family of our own. We will push and fight and we will get through this. Hopefully this time next year, we will have our own announcement to make, but if not, we will keep fighting, keep pushing until we get what we want and need as a couple. Thank you Chris for being my biggest support through some of my darkest times this year and last. Thank you for joining my fight, thank you for holding me on those nights where all I can do is cry through the gut wrenching pain. Thank you for understanding my need to find support and share our struggles with all the other infertiles out there. Thank you for the love and honesty. Thank you for all the happy moments in between. Thank you for waking up next to me every morning and living each day with me. Just thank you. You walked into my life, showed me how to love and walk by my side everyday. Every morning when I wake up and every night before I finally succumb to sleep, I thank god for you. You are the reason that I am strong. You make me want to be a better person. And I think thats the greatest compliment that I can give you.

Happy Anniversary Chris, I love you!

An Anniversary Weekend to Remember…Well Not Really

Posted on September 2, 2011 by imfluffyowl

So on this day two years ago, I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. The first of our wedding guests have already landed, and I would have picked up our groomsman Jarrett this morning. I spent most of my day going between the two parents houses trying to finish last minute details. Two years ago, this weekend, I married my husband. We were blessed the entire weekend with wonderful weather.

For our first year anniversary, we were hit with a hurricane and a power outage across town. A power outage that affected our “we’re broke so we’re gonna have a quiet night in and hubby is gonna cook for me” understated anniversary. Chris doesn’t cook, I’m the dominate cook in the house. Chris’s abilities lie somewhere between boiling water and making kraft dinner from the box. So the fact that he wanted to make me something from scratch was special to me. He went out and researched for the best recipe, got tips from his mom, bought all of the ingredients and wanted me to have a really nice dinner to show his appreciation for me. Then we were hit with a power outage that lasted over 24 hours. But Chris finally made me chicken alfredo from scratch and it was delicious.

This year, we are being graced with beautiful weather but I have no voice, I’m sick as a dog and I’m due to start my period on the 4th (the day before our anniversary on the 5th). So even if we want to go out and do something to celebrate 2 years of marriage, I can’t cause I sound like someone beating a seal to death everytime I cough and I’m too tired and weak to do anything. It never fails for us. We don’t get a break when it comes to us celebrating special dates in our relationship.

And it doesn’t stop with our wedding anniversary either. We dated for just over 6 years when we tied the knot. And out of those 6 years, the only successful anniversary was the one he proposed on. The one just months before the wedding was my bridal shower (but I choose that). Another year, I booked a big fancy room for 2 nights at a fancy hotel and the day before I pinched a nerve in my back and was on bed rest for a week and we spent that anniversary with me being propped up by pillows in a roller chair so I could play board games with Hubby and a friend.

For those that think marriage is a fairytale, I’m here to tell you otherwise. This is us, this is how our relationship works and even with some rather shit timing, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my husband, hes a great support and he will never be upset because we can’t celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary, just as long as I’m on the mend, then that’s all that matters.