Category Archives: pain

Sometimes, Hubby Gets It Right

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So I had a bit of a break down tonight.

Nothing major, just your average everyone-has-a-kid-but-me-and-my-doctors-won’t-return-my-phone-call-with-my-blood-test-results-and-I’m-out-of-synthroid-and-I’ll-never-be-a-mom type of breakdown.

Coming home from an event today with my mother, she proceeded to tell me all about how much my father likes my brothers “it’s getting serious” girlfriend and her son. She likes to remind me over and over again how much my father is smitten with her son and how they get along so great and have so much fun together. Then mom goes on about planning their Christmas gifts in great detail and asking for my opinion on her ideas. She doesn’t even put this much thought into the rest of our Christmas gifts.

For some reason, this was my tipping point for the day. I went very quiet. So quiet that my mother noticed. So when she finally dragged it out of me that I was upset because I felt like no one cared and it seemed that it didn’t matter to them if I ever get to be a mom. My mother told me not to be so dramatic and told me that we could always adopt. Thanks mom. Thanks for making me feel even more like shit. Your husband lives away for work, maybe you should just divorce him because its not as easy as a relationship where you spouse comes home everyday after work. Same difference? Right? Then she has the nerve to say to me, “I’ve clearly said something to upset you but I don’t know what I said. I’m sorry. Please calm down.” But I’m sorry. I can’t. She told me that she really understands what I’m going through. (Sorry mom, you don’t have a clue.) And then I told her as much. You don’t get it because you never struggled to have me and Mike. You don’t know the emptiness. You don’t know what it’s like to watch your one dream realized by everyone around you while you are questioned by others because of the absence. Well meaning questions enquiring about my lack of children like its any of their fucking business, like there’s not years of dreams shattered and hope lost. You don’t know how to live with this life everyday when the only thing you ever wanted, even as a child, was to be a mom. You don’t know what it’s like to wait for phone calls from doctors and to never actually get the call. You’ve never begged or cried to a secretary out of sheer frustration and emotional burnout. You’ve never wondered where money for treatments was going to come from. You never had to consider living without your children, ever, for even one moment.

So I left in frustration and pain. I ignored her calling from the step. I ignored her calls and texts on my drive home and I called her back long enough to tell her I’m not fine and I may never be fine, especially if I have to live this much longer. Then I called my clinic. Because as much as that secretary rocks, she can’t give me my blood results. Only a doctor or nurse can. And she arranged to have someone call me on Thursday. They didn’t call. I called on Friday and she promised a call by end of day. She called me a half hour before end of day to tell me that the doctor left without calling me and that she arranged to have him come in on a Saturday just to call me with the results because my prescription ran out and I won’t refill it if they are gonna change my dosage anyway. Guess what? He didn’t fucking call, again. I called while upset (I know, bad idea), and left a voicemail clearly letting my wonderful secretary know that I wasn’t called again, I’m out of pills, refilled it at my own cost(all out of pocket) and that if my dosage changes, I’ll have to pay all of it out of pocket…again. She’s gonna be as pissed as I am and she’ll have it resolved within the first 10 minutes of her shift. Too bad the rest of the staff wasn’t as on the ball as she was.

So I went in the house and cried. Really cried. A long messy cry while my husband tried to figure out what was wrong. Once he realized what was wrong, he tried to fix it. When he couldn’t fix it, he did something right. He called my best and oldest friend, my friend who is also dealing with infertility. He put up the proverbial bat signal without my knowledge while I was in the bathroom.

I came out of the bathroom still crying and he hugged me. Then she was there behind me and when I turned around, she took over. She hugged me and cried with me and just held me. I didn’t have to explain it to her, she didn’t require it. No act, no being strong, just release. And then we talked in partial sentences. I’d start a thought and she finished it. I didn’t have to explain how I was feeling, just the details of what happened.

Then we started talking about other things. Then suddenly, we started laughing and it was the first real time I’ve laughed in a long time. I wasn’t better, but she helped me escape for a bit. It was wonderful. After her and her husband went home, I thanked my own husband. He did good.

I’m not better, I’m not back to normal, but it helped. I got to release a bit of the pressure so I could go on. All I want is to get through Monday, and now maybe, I might just be able to do that.

Hubby, you did good today.

Thanks.

A Breakdown At Work

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You know what guys and gals? I’ve been having a rough week.

It’s been a rough July and a rough start to August if I’m being truly honest, but it seemed to hit its brink the other night.

I’ve been quite proud of myself lately. I’ve been able to detach myself from our struggles with infertility. I’m in another six week wait while I wait for the time I can go through my blood work again to see if my thyroid has finally gotten its act together and went back to normal. So really there’s not much I can do.

I’ve transitioned out of my bitter, angry infertile stage over the past year. Four years of being constantly angry and bitter was apparently my breaking point and I’ve transitioned into a calmer but still frustrated infertile. I like to think about it by comparing it to waxing. Waxing for the first time is a bitch and you are red raw afterwards. But the more you do it, the more you build up a tolerance for it. I’ve developed a thick skin at this point. Not just with the waxing, but with infertility in general. I’ve let other things keep me busy. I have less bad days. I can handle reading about pregnancies and I can even congratulate people now. I’ve spent a lot of my summer so far doing couples things with another IF couple and its been great to have kid free stuff to do. But when I do have a bad IF day, its BAD. I guess thats the down side to this transition. I passed in all my slightly bad emotional days for a handful of really, really bad breakdown days. One of these days happened at the worst possible time. At work.

Generally work is fun (believe it or not). We have a great group of people who laugh and joke and get along wonderfully. We range in age and lifestyle. Some are moms and grand moms, the lone male in our room is so young he’s fresh out of university and we refer to him as “the puppy” or “Justin Beiber” even though he looks and acts nothing like the crazy Canadian pop star (yeah, as a Canadian, sorry about unleashing that on the world, we didn’t really have a say in it.) A couple of the woman, I’ve grown particularly close to and tomorrow is the last day of their casual cycle and they are off til the new year. Another girl, closer to me in age is staying in her spot while I’m moving over to the other building with the rest of the remaining team. When I say that we’ve gotten close, I mean that we added each other on Facebook, are on the lookout for things we mentioned to each other, and I’ve told them that we are dealing with infertility after they inquired why we don’t have kids yet and they haven’t treated me differently and in some cases, have asked about it.

But yesterday, as I was joking with some of my coworkers over something silly during lunch, I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed to pass he time and all I see is nothing but parents complaining about their children. Earlier that day and earlier this week, I listened to other staff in the building complaining about their children and for some reason, at that moment during lunch, it was like a tidal wave of pain hit me. I had no warning. Tears streaming down my face, trying not to sob or draw attention to myself, I couldn’t get up and go cry in the bathroom because there would be no way to hide my face and if my coworkers saw me in that state, they are the type of people to follow me, concerned, to make sure I was ok. I was embarrassed by the breakdown. I went from giddy and laughing to emotional mess with absolutely no warning. I felt the emotional toll this was having on me along with the financial toll as wave after wave of pain hit me. Ever since, I’ve been somber, depressed and completely scared of what may never happen. It’s been making work…difficult at best. My concentration is absolutely shot and I’m fighting to get through the work that is normally a breeze for me. My mind is suddenly entirely focused on one thing, our infertility.

It’s been 4 years and we are still doing basic testing. I don’t even know my treatment options yet. How much longer do I have to wait for those? Let alone treatment and the possibility of it actually working.

And now? My period is late. Like 15 days late when I know with absolute certainty that I’m not pregnant because 1. According to tests, I haven’t been ovulating for awhile despite getting my period in the past. 2. It’s been a long time since we last had sex. 3. I’ve been so stressed with everything that I’ve lost my sex drive. (If found please return to me directly, thanks.) 4. Did I mention that its been a long time since we last had sex? Cause I actually don’t remember when unless I check my iPeriod app.

I’m just tired of the pain, of all of this. I just want the only thing I ever dreamed of doing in my life: being a mom.

Sick To Death Of Death

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I’m just gonna put this out there, I’m sick of death.

I’m so tired of going to wakes and funerals and sending condolences and sudden deaths and slowly watching people die. I need some time where I’m not bombarded by death. Universe, I get it, you hold all the cards and we are mere players in a game we don’t know the rules for. No need for the reminders anymore.

In the past month and a half a friend lost her father, then 2 friends lost their grandmothers within days of each other. Last week another friend lost her father suddenly. Then, the day after I attended the funeral for my friends father, and the day we found a new home for our dog (because of my husbands sudden bad allergic reaction to the dog we loved so much) I walked into work to find out that one of my co-workers was riding her bike and was struck from behind on the highway by a car driven by an 18 year old. Rumors are circulating that the kid was text messaging when they hit her and now her 3 children are without their mom.

The first hour of my shift today was spent with my co-workers in a mandatory group grief counseling session to help process the death of our co-worker. Nightshift at my job is different from the day shift. We are a closer, tight knit group, and even though I’ve only been there since mid-May, I’m incredibly close to those on my team. She was on the upstairs team but all of the nightshift tends to mingle together and you get to know everyone. So its no surprise that my supervisor broke down in tears when she told us, and its no surprise that work has been somber and we are all grieving for her, even after knowing her for such a short time. So its also no surprise that one of the other teams took up a collection and used that to treat both our team and upstairs team to hot tea and coffee and sweets on our first break after our grief counseling. Things like that make you want to go back to work and put extra effort into what you do. It shows you that despite the sadness and death, there are still kind and loving people in this world.

Then to add to that, my grandfathers health is bad. I could say its less than stellar, but lets call a spade a spade. It’s bad, it’s not going to get better and I’ll admit it, I’m scared. Many in the family don’t see him on a day to day basis because they live away, but me and mom see it, dad sees it when he’s home. It’s slowly getting worse. I’m scared that he’s next. He’s sleeping all the time now. If we take him out anywhere, he can’t kept his balance, even with a walker. He doesn’t want to do anything anymore other than sleep all day. When I visit, he asks me if I’m working. When I tell him yes, he asks where. Then I tell him where and he berates himself because he knew that. Then he asks how I’m doing. 5 minutes later, after a lull in the conversation, he looks at me and asks if I’m working again. I don’t have the heart to tell him that he already asked me that so I just answer again. He’s made so many jumps from bad to good, always with the seasons. In the winter months he’s bad and he always jumped back in the spring and summer. But it’s summer and he’s not jumping back like he always did. A year or two ago, the doctors told us that with his heart condition, he would be fine until he’s not. That’s what happens with this condition. They told us that we shouldn’t be surprised if he were to pass in his sleep. And as much as him passing away will break all of us in the family, I hope that he goes peacefully in his sleep. It’s so hard to watch him waste away.

And I guess, that’s my reasoning for my absence as of late. My weekend comes and I want to escape. So that’s what I do. My weekends are spent with my husband who’s been doting on me constantly since Mia left (he fears I hate him because he is the reason why she had to go, even if I don’t and could never hate him), and Saturdays are turning into a weekly ritual with friends where we spent Saturday nights sitting around a campfire. Friends have kept me busy, they invite me to the beach, their pools, out for coffee and sometimes board games. I’m back at the gym full swing, and dare I say it, but I finally attacked that spare bedroom I’ve been talking about for months. It’s half done and I plan on finishing it as soon as my weekends allow it. Other than the push I had to put in for a guest blog spot over at The Infertility Voice about the royal baby (thanks so much for the guest spot, Keiko!!), I really haven’t had much time or energy to put towards a half decent post. I thought about it, glanced through my news feed, but I really didn’t have the time to even comment on posts, let alone write a post. I still have to get around to some congratulations (yes D, I’m talking to you! Keep those beta numbers rising!!) and go through my back log of posts in my reader and try to add those comments I’ve been desperate to find the time to do.

I hope everyone is well. If I missed any big news, leave an update in the comments and I’ll head over to catch up. Love, as always, to everyone!

xoxo

Emotional Extremes

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Thursday was a day filled with emotion. I got to feel emotional lows and emotional highs. While I knew that the day could be emotional for me, I never expected what actually happened.

I planned this day off from work as soon as I was hired. I explained that as a Brownie leader, this was my first advancement and the first time to watch my second year girls move onto Girl Guides. I had my awesome Team Leader and HR department determine that this was a valid reason for a day off without pay and they quickly cleared my day off for me as soon as I hit the floor after training. Plus it helps that my Team Leader was a leader herself years ago and realized that my first advancement as a leader is not something to be missed.

9 AM on Thursday morning, while I was trying to enjoying the last bit of sleep before I had to get up to run around in prep for advancement, my husbands phone woke us up. When he saw the caller ID, he answered right away because the number wouldn’t call us this early unless it was a good reason. It was his best friends girlfriend telling us that his friends father passed away earlier that morning. We were shocked into silence. He was sick and we knew the prognosis wasn’t good, but it was so sudden. We told them that when they were ready for company, we would be there. Because hubby isn’t just a childhood best friends with this guy, we’re very close to his sister as well. (For some perspective, the friend was hubby’s best man and his sister’s husband also stood in our wedding.)

Without thinking, I got out of bed, dressed and went to the kitchen and I just started cooking. I wanted to do something. I didn’t know what to do, so I just cooked. I made an easy to freeze and reheat casserole and made my husband promise to take it with him and that I would join them when I could.

I went with my cousin to take care of what we had left to do for advancement. We went to pick up the flowers for the girls, get a bite to eat and do all the last minute things like finish the certificates and organize the badges. While I was out, the news of the morning set in. All I could think about was how kind and easy going the man was. How it shouldn’t have been his time, yet it was. Watching your friends process the pain of losing a parent suddenly makes death feel so final and real and you feel a little closer to death yourself. You realize that you and those you love and care for are not as invincible as we all once thought we were. It’s a wake up call for anyone that watches someone they know and care about die or deal with death.

While we waited for the flowers, I had the overwhelming need to talk to my own dad. He’s on the other side of the country and I can’t physically see him but I had to hear his voice and tell him how much I love him. As I stood in the rain waiting for him to pick up, I was holding back tears. My dad instantly asked me what was wrong when he heard my voice. All I could sputter out was, “I just needed to hear your voice”. He couldn’t understand until I told him what happened. He paused and said, “sweetie, as soon as you told me what happened, I knew why you needed to talk to me and that means a lot to me. I promise that I’m fine and I love you too. Send my love to your friends and I’m here if you need to talk.” And then I hung up and truly cried. I cried for my friends and the pain they are feeling. I cried because they will never get to talk to their dad again. I cried because a wonderful father and grandfather left this world too soon. I cried because there was nothing else for me to do.

Before we knew it, advancement was starting and I got to see my girls again for the first time since I started my job. The smiles and happiness radiating off of them was contagious and I soaked it all in as they told me what they did on the weeks I missed and how they missed me while I was gone. By the time we were all ready to go out to the parent filled audience, I was genuinely happy and smiling and joking with my girls, excited to give them their hard earned badges and certificates. After the Sparks flew up to our Brownie group (from their “nest” in their cute wings and feather masks) and our Brownies used their keys to “open the gate” that led to Girl Guides and we had lunch, each of our girls came up to us for pictures. One of our girls were presented with a special pin because she loved selling cookies and became our super cookie seller. When we presented her with her pin, he smile was so big it lit up the room. The girls smiled and blushed as we presented them with their badges and certificates while other girls beamed in the spotlight and struck a pose for their parents when the cameras came out. We posed for pictures while parents took turns with cameras and phones. Girls took turns giving us hugs and posing with me and the other leader so their parents could capture the moment. The girls told us about their plans for the summer and told us how much they would miss us. We told them how much we would miss them but promised we would see them again. Then one of the girls leaving for Guides, gave us a gift as she left to go home with her parents. Attached to the gift of assorted fudge from my favorite chocolate shop was a homemade card that made me cry, but this time with happy tears:

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And for a moment, the sadness from earlier in the day went away for a bit and I was reminded that despite the pain and sadness, there is still happiness and innocence too. They can, and do, both exist but we don’t get to see them together because one always seems to win the power struggle over the other within us. My girls knew nothing of the sadness my friends were facing and my friends knew nothing of the happiness my girls felt, yet they both existed and I tasted both. I became aware of both, but for once, one didn’t battle for power over the other. I was aware of both, felt them both at the same time and suddenly, I was ready for bed. After advancement, we checked in with our friends and dropped off the casserole. By the time I showed up, they had finished playing board games in an attempt to keep their minds busy and they were tired. So we all called it a night and bowed out after they promised to call us if they needed anything. After we got home, we quickly followed suit and curled up together in bed, wishing we could make all of this easier for our friends and wishing I could give them just a bit of the happiness my girls were able to give me.

Somber Holidays For Two

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I have to admit something. I’ve always hated Easter. Ok not always, but once I grew up enough to stop believing in an oversized bunny bringing me chocolate and new pjs, I grew to dislike the holiday. It’s no surprise really. This holiday belongs to two distinct groups, those with children and those that are holy. And let’s face it, we are neither. I’ve already talked at length about my lack of belief in any religious organization and this is an infertility blog so we all know that I have no children.

Other holidays are easier. Christmas is so open to interpretation that anyone can celebrate it, children or not. Traditions can be made whether you have children or not. You can choose how you celebrate it. New Year’s can be spent at a party, at home or you can sleep right through it. Valentine’s Day can be celebrated or not. (In our almost 10 years together, this year was the first time we acknowledged it beyond buying pizza and discount heart shaped chocolate on February 15th). Halloween is for anyone young at heart. There are a good mix of adult and child activities and if you want to avoid kids, you can go out for the night or stay in with a movie and leave the candy on the step for kids to help themselves. Labor Day is a special weekend because it always lands on or near our wedding anniversary. St. Patrick’s Day is just a normal day for me because I’ve lost my taste for alcohol and bars. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can sting, but as long as you put some effort into wishing your parents a happy day, you can hide out or go out with friends who don’t have kids for the rest of the day. You can fake sick if its really that hard. But Easter is different.

For instance, Easter weekend in a small town is inconvenient. It’s a long weekend. Good Friday, Easter Sunday and Easter Monday. Everything in a small town closes on Good Friday. While I try to just not acknowledge it, I forgot that we were finally at the long weekend. I had a birthday party to go to tonight and I had to make something for it. I knew I had to get to the grocery store for supplies but couldn’t make it on Thursday. So I get up Friday morning to go get the supplies to realize that the whole damn town has shut down short of the 24 hour gym, Tim Horton’s, the gas station and the local convenience store. So even though I don’t recognize any faith, I’m forced to change my plans to acknowledge a holiday I don’t believe in and now pay double for my supplies at the convenience store.

Then I get hit with the flip side of the holiday too. My husband just had to go to the mall today to pick up supplies for a project and I spend most of my afternoon getting pushed around, cut off and cursed at by people who waited until the last minute to get their shopping done for their kids and are treating the holiday like the second coming of Christmas, buying far too many expensive gifts. (And while we are on the topic, can someone tell me what the hell happened to the one nice outfit, a pair of pjs, a chocolate bunny and some outdoor gifts like skipping ropes and road chalk? Now a days kids are getting iPads for easter?!? WTF?) All I needed today was pretzels. And then all week, all day today and right through until I started this post, I’ve been slammed with pictures of kids with the Easter bunny, kids painting eggs, the parents showing off that “the Easter bunny landed” and look at all the gifts my kid is getting. Then all day tomorrow, any and all social media will be covered with pictures and videos of kids reacting to the stash of gifts waiting for them. Parents going on about how wonderful their children are and how great the Easter bunny was to them and wishing everyone a happy Easter. All the while, everything is closed, there is no where to go and if you watch TV at all tomorrow the channels will be covered in Easter masses. My father and brother are away, hubby is going to his parents for supper and I’ll go up to visit mom for supper because I don’t want her to be alone. After that I’ll go to the gym for an extra long workout because there is simply nothing else for me (us) to do. All I’m left with is a feeling of emptiness while I twiddle my thumbs waiting for businesses to open again and the world to go back to normal.

For someone who is not religious, I find Easter to be one of the loneliest holidays in the calendar year. Every year, I question my purpose. I truly fear that we will never get to feel any happiness, that we will never get to help our children color Easter eggs or get pictures with the Easter bunny. That we will never get to do any of the things that I watch my friends and family do every single year. I feel empty and incomplete. I see the mountain that we still have yet to climb and wonder if its even feasible. It feels like we spent 4 years circling the base of that mountain with no progress to show for it. Can we afford treatment? What if something is truly wrong on my end too? What if we can’t get a resolution to this? What if I don’t get to be a mom? How do I move forward? While everyone is watching their children open gifts and find hidden eggs, I cry myself through these questions over and over again until I just break down. It’s not like there is anything else for me to do. If we go out to eat, our options are family buffets. There is nowhere to go to keep ourselves busy. Even going for a walk results in watching kids play outside with their spring toys like road chalk or skipping ropes. We could go to a church for a faith we don’t believe in just to be surrounded by families dressed in their Sunday best. Honestly, Easter is simply not a holiday made for 2. Yet we are stuck in limbo.

Honestly? The main point to my trip to the mall with hubby was for us to find a new board game. Since none of our friends could hang out with us tomorrow because of family obligations, we decided to find a two player game that we could spend all our time tomorrow learning to play. Anything to avoid the emptiness of the day. To not feel so detached from the rest of the world. I look forward to a time when we have children running around, waiting for the Easter bunny. I just hope that someday we can actually have that. I just don’t know how many more Easter mornings we can take living childless. I just want this feeling of emptiness to disappear.

Venting My Frustrations & Irrational Thoughts

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I have a confession to make. I’m become that hermit lady that hates leaving the house. In becoming this hermit lady, I’ve also find myself becoming completely detached from my friends, family and loved ones. All of them. The last time I spent any time with my friends was Brownies on Thursday. Before that, it was long before Chris’s grandfather passed away. And in some ways, if I’m being honest, I’m a little disappointed in some of my friends (though I’m sure I’ve disappointed them at some point as well). Many were quick to message me and passed on their condolences to Chris and his family, either through facebook/my family/or text messages, but some that I expected to hear from because they are the first to be at every wake and funeral, or at least rush to pass on condolences to people they know or know through friends or family, didn’t even bother to message Chris or ask me to pass on condolences to him. And Chris’s friends? Let’s not even go there. They knew, some messaged, but not one of his friends stopped by the funeral home or came to the funeral. It was a little disheartening. I’m sure that there are reasons, and I’ll move past it and everything will be fine, but for right now, I’m a little hurt and hoped for a bit more support for him and us, you know?

Also, while I don’t think the above reason is the cause, but if I’m honest it probably plays a part in it, I’m left feeling completely out of the loop and with no initiative to actually get back into the loop. I know that most, if not all, of this is in my head. But I feel like I’m the odd woman out. I know I’ve been antisocial as of late, but still, no one calls or checks in anymore except for a couple of people I’m seeing due to the few things that I’m forcing myself to do (Brownies and Darts being the exceptions).

I know I have a lot of stress going on in my life lately. I got hit with a terrible head cold. I fought with my parents for the past month over things dad said that I truly can’t bring myself to write about, but has left me utterly brokenhearted wishing for something to change. My husband and father will not stay in the same room together and I love them both but I’m somehow just left feeling uncomfortable. I feel like I have to choose and how does one choose between your spouse and the father that suddenly hates him. How do I not take that personal? The tension from this fallout is EVERYWHERE in my life. I’m dealing with Chris being sick and getting back on track mentally. Let’s not even talk about how long its been since we last had sex. Chris’s grandfather passed away. We are waiting on both our employment insurance claims to come in and still worrying about money on a daily basis. We are moving on the 8th and while everyone was willing to help and offered help months ago, only my cousin and Chris’s best friend and his girlfriend have actually offered to help us move in and asked what we need help wise. My 30th birthday is creeping up and it’s finally starting to scare me. I’m scared because I’m then in that category of pregnant after 30. I wanted to be a mom by 30, maybe pregnant with #2 by 30. I went from being excited of turning 30 to being absolutely scared shitless of turning 30 wondering if I’ll ever get to have kids, if I’ll be the only old mom at the schools if we are ever lucky enough to have kids. And I wonder if my parents will even do anything with me this year for my birthday or just go to a hockey game without me like they did last year (I’m still waiting for them to take me out for that birthday supper they promised). Then on Saturday, I got a toothache that just kept getting worse to the point that I got one hour of sleep last night and had an emergency appointment at the dentist this morning where he had no choice but to take the tooth out.To top that all off, I’m getting hit with a severe case of the holiday blahs.

I feel like we are at a standstill even though we are not. This is the first time I’m waiting on my body to do its thing so I can start my testing. But still, every time I venture out into the outside world, I feel like the odd one out at almost every gathering. I’m not happy and its hard to play happy. I want to be there with them, to enjoy it, but depression has me just trying to survive the time with people I care about and love, knowing that if I make it through I can go home and reward myself with curling up in bed with a good cry.

Most of my friends have children and families. Those that don’t have children, either aren’t ready for them and/or they have a family that’s not fighting/hating each other and nieces and nephews that they can spoil. I normally love Christmas and Halloween. Instead, I wished Halloween to be over as soon as it started. And I’m dreading Christmas. I didn’t go to the two Christmas parades. I was feeling low. It didn’t interest me. Everyone had someone to go with and I won’t ever ask to be invited into events, I don’t want to be that extra wheel that makes people feel like they have to ask me to come along. No one really invited me to join them short of a comment on facebook from a friend saying I should go to the parade. Everyone has their own traditions with their kids and no matter who I go with, I feel like I don’t fit, like I’m an extra intruding on their traditions and family time. They don’t do anything to make me feel this way, yet I feel it nonetheless. My husband hates parades, so he won’t join me and then of course if I could drag him, we are surrounded by kids who just remind us that we are spending yet another Christmas childless.

I spent the evening of Chris’s grandfathers wake listening to his newly pregnant cousin talk about the inconvenience and poor timing of this pregnancy with her friends and female cousins and then the war stories started about how long they were in labor and the things they hated about pregnancy. I went from being part of the discussion to just putting my head down and doing everything in my power not to cry while my husband just held my hand and no one even noticed how quiet I got, or if they did, they didn’t have the decency to change the topic. Then a few days ago, my grandmother wanted to show me the blanket she just finished for our future child, even though she already made me one but gave it to another cousin who is lapping me for the second time. I don’t know what hurt more, the fact that she gave away the baby blanket made and designated for my child or that she had the time to make me another baby quilt from scratch and I still haven’t gotten knocked up yet. I know she wanted to show me because she’s proud of it and she wants me to know how important I am to her and that she has faith that I will have a kid someday, but at the end of the day its just one more reminder of what I want yet can’t have despite trying my best.

Then my mind starts to wander. It’s already in that dark place so its really no big surprise that it goes dark and it starts thinking all the things it shouldn’t. It starts wondering if my lack of children is what has my friends not talking to me. Lack of common ground? Am I just the infertile friend that they lost interest in? Does my infertility and me being outspoken about my infertility make them that uncomfortable? Nonsense, I know. I get needy when I’m like this but still can’t get myself to open up facebook and send a message, text message or call my friends to ask why we haven’t talked in awhile. I know I’m partially to blame because I know I’m antisocial. But still, I can’t control what my mind thinks.

I don’t want to decorate. I don’t want to put up a tree. I don’t want to go on facebook or twitter because I truly don’t think I can handle another pregnancy announcement or the unending pictures of kids with Santa, newborn baby pictures of the son of the girl I used to babysit. You know, who is 5 years younger than me and had an oops pregnancy with the guy shes been with for around a year. I just can’t emotionally deal with that. I can’t seem to escape kids, babies, pregnancies, newborns, pregnancy announcements. It’s not the season of St. Nick, its the season of lets splatter every single piece of social media with our wonderful news and belly shots and pictures of positive pregnancy tests and pregnancy photo shoots and complaints about nausea and prenatal pills. And lets just go ahead and post stupid pictures that tell everyone how proud you are to be a mom or dad or grandparent and that kids are the greatest gift and if you believe this or have great kids, share this! Its perfectly OK to post that and make me uncomfortable but its not OK for me to post something about infertility because it makes you uncomfortable. What do I want for Christmas? How about my own pregnancy. But if you can’t do that St. Nick, can you at least keep me away from all of this so I don’t cry myself to sleep each night?

I know this is a dark post, but right now, I’m in a dark painful place and I feel alone. And the more alone I feel, the more that these feelings snowball. I just…need a break, a hug, to know that I’m important to someone and be told it’s because my assumptions aren’t working right now. I need a break. I need something to go positive for us, for once. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

MIA After The Big Move

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Hey!

My apologies for lack of appearance around here since the move. A lot has been happening and not all of it good. I was forced to move my blog from blogger to this new home at WordPress. So far I love it and don’t regret the move.

Some drama happened when I found out that some cousins I don’t talk to and who haven’t even so much as acknowledged my existence found my twitter and blog. Nasty comments coincided with my posts and tweets and at the end of all of this and my uncles funeral, other cousins found one of my other posts, got it in the hands of the wrong people and it was shown to all of my fathers family right through to my grandmother. So I had to move my blog to a spot where I can hide family sensitive posts from those people who feel that they have the right to judge me. I’m only hiding the posts from those specific people so if you see a password protected post, don’t be afraid to ask for it. Anyone but those people can read. My twitter is also private but I always welcome new people. Don’t let my extended family BS take away from my interactions in the IF community, because I’m sure as hell not. I don’t have anything to do with these people so why should I let them have any control over what I write about or how I write about it or the communication that I’ve come to rely on from the wonderful people I’ve met through the IF community.

I’ve also been quiet on here lately because in the past month I’ve received the news of at least 13 pregnancy announcements, 2 births and a lot of general baby talk and moving forward with treatments and thr next phase of thr plan. And during my last cycle i was a month late and missed a complete cycle. The both together are the double whammy to anyone in the IF community. My appointment was also moved to November 9th with the fertility clinic and I just feel like everyone around me is pregnant or has a new born or is moving forward but me. I know it’s not. I have enough common sense at this point to know that. I know I can move past this and find the happy in my life and this area of my life again. It’s just when I get slammed with such high numbers in such a short amount of time between here in my safe place and in my everyday life that I’m finding it really hard to process. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea pregnancy announcements and I’m just trying to surface long enough to catch my breath. So I’m sorry if I can’t post on your pregnancy updates or congratulate you right now. I really am sorry. I’m so happy for all of you but it’s just wearing me down and I’m trying to find my center again. I hope that you all understand. We’ve all been there in some degree and now it’s my turn, I guess.

In other news, I started in a woman’s dart league last month and while I completely suck at it, I’m loving every minute of it. Some of my friends convinced me to join and I’m glad that I did. We meet every Monday night and it’s equal parts chatter and darts. But I’m glad to say that I’m slowly getting better. It also helps keep my mind busy , gets me out of the house and gives me a social life when Chris is away.

Last week was also my first week of Brownies. I started as a part time leader/helper for the Brownie group that my cousin runs. I started on a temporary basis just to see if this is something for me and to decide after a while if I want to move to full time. The first week was wonderful. Though I’m not surprised that I loved it. I went through Brownies and Girl Guides (Sparks started in our town after my first year as a Brownie so I missed out). After Girl Guides, I had no local Pathfinders group so my Guide leader at the time let me come back as a junior leader for 2 years even though I was too young to be an actual junior leader. I always said I would come back to leading and my cousin gave me an in. Once we are moved into our house and unpacked, I plan on looking into full time leader and going through whatever training they want me to do. Also to my local crew, I think I’m going to be selling the mint girl guide cookies if you are interested. Let me know if you want in!

Chris lately has been doing well at work. It just seems to be his trips home that trigger his attacks. In the two trips he’s done since leaving, he’s had problems on both of his flights home. Work though is great. The bosses in the office are really impressed with his work and his stats are some of the best in the office. Dad has even commented on how well he is doing and if you knew my dad, that’s a BIG deal. To quote dad, Chris is flourishing in this new job. Now it’s just to get these attacks under control…

Otherwise, this is it. I’m writing this on my new iPad. Chris bought me the new iPad with the basis of being able to video chat with him whether I’m home or not. That way I can still go out with my girls, take part in projects and hobbies and still have our nightly video chats. That was the excuse we used to justify the purchase but I’ve had my eye on one since they first came out and Chris wanted to treat me. He’s an awesome hubby. Now, outside of our living expenses, we’re not touching the money and letting it build up for treatments in the new year.

I hope that everyone is doing well and I hope you are all joining me permanently at my new blogging home. ❤

A Quick Post Before I Head Out

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Just a quick drop in before I go to bed.

Things are moving back into normal since my last post. Things are calming down, finally, in the OMG EVERYONE IS PREGNANT side of my life that happened. After a grand total of 6 pregnancy announcements in less than 72 hours after being a month late with my period, I’m finding the peace again. Or I just stopped caring. Not sure which though. Maybe a bit of both?

But then we were hit with some very sad news. Do you remember me asking you to send prayers and good thoughts to my friend and my uncle, both dealing with brain tumors? Well, yesterday morning my uncle lost his battle just 6 weeks after his initial diagnosis. The tumor was extremely aggressive and he passed away the morning he was due to start treatments. They live in New Brunswick so all of my family is traveling for the funeral. Dad and my brother were flown home early from work, dad landing this afternoon and Mike getting in about 2 hours ago. We are leaving in about 3 hours and I still have to sleep. Thankfully I napped for about 4 hours earlier so I’m not going to be running on empty. But myself and my mother will be sharing the driving and I’ll simply nap when I’m not driving.

We’re trying to make the best of this terrible situation. My dad is doing as well as can be expected when it comes to the loss of a sibling. My grandparents are absolutely heartbroken. They are having a hard time understanding and coming to terms with the fact that they have spent years taking turns at death’s door and they are still here yet in a mere 6 weeks, their son went from fine to sick to no longer with us. I fear that the passing of my uncle may set them both back medically due to the stress and heartbreak of dealing with this while their health is mediocre at best right now. But for now, we are just taking it one day at a time. We should be home late Friday so my apologies for missing the start of ICLW. I promise to catch up with everyone once we get home and I have some time to decompress.

I do have a request though while I’m gone. If you are reading this, whether you are a regular, a first timer from ICLW or a lurker, please keep my uncle’s immediate family in your thoughts and prayers. He is survived by his wife of 37 years, 2 daughters and 5 grandchildren. They were extremely close knit and he was the rock of the family and they are truly heartbroken at the loss. So please keep them in your prayer circles, send positive thoughts, good vibes, chant, meditate or whatever it is that you do. I appreciate it so very much if you can take a few minutes to think of them.

So, with that, I’m off to bed. All my love to you and I’ll be back before you know it.

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An Emotional Breakdown For One

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So, first my apologies for lack of replies and commenting so far this ICLW. I swear I have a decent reason and I will catch up. But it doesn’t take away my feelings of guilt. I’m always hard on myself and this is no exception. But first I would like to pass along my thanks to everyone who stopped by (both new and regulars) to wish us luck and tell me that I was in their thoughts as we adjust to Chris working away. Sometimes when its a bad day and I’m really missing him, I read those comments and it cheers me up. So all my love and thanks! Now that that’s out of the way, I can fill you in on the drama and emotional aspects of the past couple of days. It’s been a long couple of days and I honestly need to vent.

Chris flew out of Sydney on Tuesday morning at 6am. He ended up spending almost 16 hours traveling between flights, layovers and the bus ride up to camp. Orientation went really well. While I seem to be fine during the day, night is tough on me. Sleep is hard to find and even once I find it, I find myself waking and looking for him in my haze of sleep. I’m a mover in my sleep, always have been. I toss and turn all night but generally sleep through it now. After we moved in together, Chris quickly adjusted to my sleep movements and now sleeps through it as well. During the night I tend to turn into him and hitch my leg over his and more or less curl up either into his side or his back (depending on how he’s sleeping). So now that I’m sleeping alone, I’m not used to him not sleeping with me. So when I turn in my sleep and try to hitch my leg over him, I wake up in a start. Being half asleep, I’m confused and looking for him. Once I realize that he’s not there, I’m awake enough and aware enough that its hard to get back to sleep so then I simply go through the process of falling asleep again. I should note that when I would stay at my parents for the weekend to pet sit, I always slept on the couch for this reason and Chris would also sleep on the couch at home. Clearly we just don’t sleep well without each other. Chris and I will be together a decade at the end of May 2013, so its no surprise that we are struggling with this. Otherwise, we are happily making use of skype and have video chat dates every night. Seeing him but being unable to touch him makes it hard. I cry a bit, but not as much as I expected.

During Chris’s first full shift, he tripped on something, fell and tore the tendon in his bad ankle. He called me from the on site hospital pretty upset. He felt like a failure. He was really struggling with the hard manual labor, and he didn’t know if they would send him home or not. He let down my father on his first damn shift. My father, the man that called in favors to get him out there. If they sent him home, we would lose our chance at treatment. We cannot raise funds for treatment with a job around here. So cue my complete mental and emotional breakdown. I called off from work, broke plans to go to my aunt’s party, went into a social media blackout and refused to answer my phone. I hit a deep depression, stayed in bed all day, cried and more or less let myself bottom out and face every single fear that crossed my mind. I even forgot to eat. I didn’t get out of bed or dressed until I had to go to a bank machine at about 8:30pm. Then I ordered myself a small pizza and pigged out while watching movies. I gave myself the day to deal with the pain and told myself that I would come back to the world and move past it after 24 hours. My pain was valid, I needed to take time to embrace it and then let myself move forward.

The next day, I woke up to a call from my husband. The company is considering it an occupational accident so therefore as long as he can work, they cannot give him a layoff and if they did, we have a workman’s compensation claim that they would have to pay out. He’s currently resting his ankle and they moved him into the office to do office work and said that he can stay there til he is healed and they will transition him back into manual labor. Chris was happy with this, as was I and he was happy to stay in the office as long as they would have him. While in the office today, the girl that was doing the job that he is doing now left for another job and they offered him the job in office for as long as he wants. There is at least a year of work for him with this stuff and they are willing to pay him at the rate he was originally hired for. This could lead to more office work out there after this because in these jobs, its all about getting your foot in the door. After that, you prove yourself and if you make an impression, they will call you back for more work instead of hiring someone new and having to train them.

Then of course, in between when Chris left and when all this shit hit the fan, my grandmother was talking to my mom. My uncle’s brain tumor has left my grandparents worried (understandably) and my grandmother wants to go up and see her son before his condition worsens. She wants to see him for herself. I get that, I would be the same way. My grandfather does not want to travel. It’s too hard on him with his health the way that it is. So my grandmother happily announces to my mother that one of my other uncles are suppose to drive her the couple of provinces over to see her son. When my mother inquired as to who would stay with poppy, she responded with, “well since Chris is gone away now, Kim will stay with poppy.” Ummmm what the hell? Where did this come from? I love my grandparents. I love being able to help out where I can because I know my time with both of them is limited. But this? Is too far. I was not asked. I wasn’t even told by Gram. It was simply assumed. It doesn’t matter that I have cats that need to be fed and a litter to be cleaned regularly and if I’m not home, I have to make arrangements for someone to stay with them while I’m gone. It doesn’t matter that my main communication with my husband is via video chat on Skype and they have no internet connection for me to use. It also doesn’t help that poppy will not let me help wash him, but I get that, the man still wants to hold onto whatever independence and dignity that he has left and his granddaughter washing him takes what last shreds he has left. Needless to say, my mom and dad, one of  my cousins and one of my aunts all agreed that while they are grateful for my help, this is not my responsibility and it shouldn’t be. So now my family is trying to deal with this while I deal with my husband being away.

So regardless of my breakdown because of his accident and all that we would possibly miss out on because of it and my grandmother’s antics, everything seemed to work itself out and give us something better than we had. Chris loves this new job, is moved to day shift and gets to avoid heavy labor. After our talk this morning, I was back to my old self again. I bounced back to myself. I was happy and ready to enjoy the day. I went for my hair appointment, went for a drive with my mom and then hung out with some of my girlfriends this evening. Then I came home to a video date with Chris and I reorganized the living room, did some laundry, and started reorganizing the rest of the apartment too. So 48 hours and I go from extreme low to extreme high. Maybe now I can even out and enjoy the happy middle while I wait for my husband to fly home on the day of our 3rd wedding anniversary.

I hope that everyone is having a better week than what I was having. I hope to get caught up on ICLW tomorrow. As for now, I’m off to get a hot shower and crawl into bed with a movie and drift off to dreamland dreaming of the moment when hubby is back in my arms again.

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Leaving On A Jet Plane

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We’re going way back here. Do you remember the movie Armageddon? Now, I might age myself here, but the year was 1998 and I was 16. It starred Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler. It had a hit song by Aerosmith, “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing“. But it also had another song that seen some popularity. It was a remake of a John Denver song, “Leaving On A Jet Plane” and it was sung by Canadian artist Chantal Kreviazuk.

Back before we got married, my husband went out west to work in the camps for his trade of metal fabrication. It was a month there, one week home. I hated seeing him leave, but at the time this was the best way. And when he left, this song sort of became my anthem. Because he was one of the last in that rotation to be hired and the fact that they over hired, he was one of the first to be laid off at the end of his first rotation. When he came back home, he decided not to go back out and got a decent job at home.But even now, when I randomly hear this song, those feelings of him getting on that plane resurface.

Fast forward to last month when my dad got my husband indentured in the electrical trade. Then fast forward again to yesterday when he got the call I was both excited for and dreading. It’s official. He got his flight information and he flies out first thing Tuesday morning. We’ve been waiting for this for almost 2 months at this point and now hes leaving and I have to convince my heart that we made the right decision.

Here’s the thing, we need money for treatments. With both of us working jobs around here, it would take us years just to save for one round of IVF and I would be well into advanced maternal age before we could give it our first try. With Chris accepting the job in Alberta, his starting wage as a first year electrician is more than double what he is making here and the further he goes with his schooling and moves up in the trade blocks, the more money he will make. We can finally take care of ourselves comfortably, afford as many treatments as necessary to get our end goal of children, start a savings and college funds for our children before they even make their appearance in our life and maybe even enjoy some traveling.

But the down parts remain. For every 3 weeks we have together, 2 of them will be spent apart. And by apart, I literally mean on opposite ends of the country. My heart aches at the mere thought of sleeping without him. My best sleep has always been curled up to him. Our conversations will have to happen over a skype video chat. Then of course are the things that he will miss. Birthdays, anniversaries and important dates and get togethers. Right now, the day of our 3 year wedding anniversary, he will be spending the entire day traveling home to me. And he will be flying out on the morning of my 30th birthday. Talk about shitty huh? And so far, hes also missing Thanksgiving and Halloween. On top of that, I will be the one overseeing the packing and moving into our home in late October. I will have to rely on the help of family and friends to paint and unpack.

Then of course, what happens when we do get pregnant? I will spend most of my pregnancy alone. Then of course, infertility was the final nail in the coffin for this decision. We needed money for treatment and now he will have to work away once we finally have what we aimed for. Thankfully, we live close to both sets of parents so I’m not alone alone, but my partner, my love, will be spending most of his time watching from afar through a computer. Mind you once I finally give birth, I will give up my maternity leave and give it to Chris, let him take the year off so that he doesn’t miss out, so I can have him home for an extended time. There are perks to being Canadian and the year of maternity leave that can be used by either spouse is one of the best perks. But what about after that year? That part scares me.

So while in many ways it seems like an easy choice to make, its not. It comes at a cost. I’ve been asked why we don’t both just up and relocate, but it becomes redundant. Cost of living here is infinitely cheaper and relocating out there would put us in the same money situation that we are in now with no hope of banking money at a fast rate for treatment. By doing camp work, they pay your way up and back, you live on site so everything you make is take home. There are no costs to the worker, money wise, to this sort of job. Regardless, the emotional costs are high and I only hope that we can handle this.When Chris got his call, I jumped from excited to petrified more often that I could possibly count. From certainty that we could do this to sheer fear that we couldn’t handle it.

I wish I could share my fears, have someone talk me down from the emotional ledge I find myself on every couple of hours. My mother has been living this life for 13 years and while her words are comforting to an extent, I just wish I could fast forward to a point where I could be comfortable with it, like my mother.

So on Tuesday morning while I say goodbye to my husband for two weeks and watch him board that plane, Leaving On A Jet Plane will be playing on repeat in my mind. 

We can do this. Yes. I’m certain of it.

…Right?

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