The Countdown Is On

Posted on November 6, 2012 by imfluffyowl

It’s been a very, very stressful couple of weeks for me. I’m in no shape mentally to even try to recap it. Honestly? It’s not worth the crying and headache that will accompany it. But no worries, I’m fine, hubby is doing ok and everyone in our life is healthy and fine. No change on the infertility front. Everything else just went to the hell. We are slowly moving forward and trying to get back on track.

In other news, my “brother from another mother” got married on Saturday. I’m so incredibly happy for them. My brother was the best man. For a bit of back story on the whole “brother from another mother” and R’s importance in my life: R grew up two doors down from me. He was the same age as me (I’m one day short of a month older than him and he never fails to remind me of it). Myself R and a girl in the neighborhood were thick as thieves. As my brother got a bit older, R spent more time with my brother. Every winter, we would have snowball fights, make snowmen and he always managed to knock the glass out of my glasses at least once each winter. Before we knew it, my brother was hitting the teenage years and R would spend almost every weekend at our place. We stayed up all night watching horror movies together. He was my prom date because he was suppose to graduate with us but didn’t and I wanted to go with a friend instead of trying to find a date. I stood by his side while he fought for visitation rights with his daughter. We have a long and strong friendship and I’ve always loved him like a brother. He’s part of my family no matter what. Even now, with his new wife who doesn’t like me all that much, I’m still there, happy for him. I’ve chalked up her distrust and dislike of me to jealousy of a strong female friendship in his life, history that she will never have with him. And some people just have a jealous side. But regardless I couldn’t be anymore proud of my other brother if he was my brother by blood. It was a great night to break up all the bad stuff of the last 2 weeks.

In other news, Friday is my appointment with my infertility clinic in Halifax. 3 years and 7 months into trying to get pregnant and I’m finally going for my first appointment with my clinic. I’ve been waiting for this specific appointment since my husbands appointment in March after a complete mess up with the urologist and the clinic losing my referral multiple times. Thankfully they are not charging us for this appointment because of the mess up. I know that this is going to be your standard first appointment, family history, my own medical history, go over my paperwork sent from other doctors, order tests and blood work and set up my testing through a local Gyno, but I’m still nervous and anxious. I’m so scared that they are gonna find something that is going to run our costs even higher. Costs that I’m already finding hard to digest. Reproductively speaking, I’m scared that something is wrong with me. I’ve been able to come to terms with my husband’s low count since his diagnosis but I’m scared to death that they will find more problems with me that will prevent us from doing IUI with donor. So if you could all send good vibes, positive energy, say a prayer, chant, anything really, that this appointment goes well and my stress level stays low. It would be awesome if you could.

We leave early Thursday morning, drive 5 hours to Halifax to stay with Chris’s Aunt Maureen, spend the evening relaxing with Moe and possibly visit with her two children and their spouses. Friday morning we are up early to drive into the city for the appointment and provided everything goes well, I’ll treat myself to a frap from Starbucks and a visit to my favorite cupcake shop in the world, Susie’s Shortbreads. Then depending on how we are feeling, we will either make the 5 hour drive home and get in late or stay for the night and leave first thing Saturday morning.

Also, I just found out that the 3 government jobs I applied for were accepted and they are all now in their specific inventory lists that they refer to when calling for interviews and testing. If you could say a little prayer or send good thoughts on that too, that would totally rock.

And in the “holy fuck, I’m freaking out man” file, I turn 30 in less than a month. I’m both excited (cause its the BIG 30!) and freaking out a bit (cause, hello! It’s the BIG 30!) I suddenly feel just a little old.

Otherwise, that’s all I have the energy to write right now. I hope everyone is doing well! And I swear, I’m only 75 deep in unread blog posts in my reader but I’m working on that. I WILL get caught up!

An Emotional Breakdown For One

Posted on August 26, 2012 by imfluffyowl

So, first my apologies for lack of replies and commenting so far this ICLW. I swear I have a decent reason and I will catch up. But it doesn’t take away my feelings of guilt. I’m always hard on myself and this is no exception. But first I would like to pass along my thanks to everyone who stopped by (both new and regulars) to wish us luck and tell me that I was in their thoughts as we adjust to Chris working away. Sometimes when its a bad day and I’m really missing him, I read those comments and it cheers me up. So all my love and thanks! Now that that’s out of the way, I can fill you in on the drama and emotional aspects of the past couple of days. It’s been a long couple of days and I honestly need to vent.

Chris flew out of Sydney on Tuesday morning at 6am. He ended up spending almost 16 hours traveling between flights, layovers and the bus ride up to camp. Orientation went really well. While I seem to be fine during the day, night is tough on me. Sleep is hard to find and even once I find it, I find myself waking and looking for him in my haze of sleep. I’m a mover in my sleep, always have been. I toss and turn all night but generally sleep through it now. After we moved in together, Chris quickly adjusted to my sleep movements and now sleeps through it as well. During the night I tend to turn into him and hitch my leg over his and more or less curl up either into his side or his back (depending on how he’s sleeping). So now that I’m sleeping alone, I’m not used to him not sleeping with me. So when I turn in my sleep and try to hitch my leg over him, I wake up in a start. Being half asleep, I’m confused and looking for him. Once I realize that he’s not there, I’m awake enough and aware enough that its hard to get back to sleep so then I simply go through the process of falling asleep again. I should note that when I would stay at my parents for the weekend to pet sit, I always slept on the couch for this reason and Chris would also sleep on the couch at home. Clearly we just don’t sleep well without each other. Chris and I will be together a decade at the end of May 2013, so its no surprise that we are struggling with this. Otherwise, we are happily making use of skype and have video chat dates every night. Seeing him but being unable to touch him makes it hard. I cry a bit, but not as much as I expected.

During Chris’s first full shift, he tripped on something, fell and tore the tendon in his bad ankle. He called me from the on site hospital pretty upset. He felt like a failure. He was really struggling with the hard manual labor, and he didn’t know if they would send him home or not. He let down my father on his first damn shift. My father, the man that called in favors to get him out there. If they sent him home, we would lose our chance at treatment. We cannot raise funds for treatment with a job around here. So cue my complete mental and emotional breakdown. I called off from work, broke plans to go to my aunt’s party, went into a social media blackout and refused to answer my phone. I hit a deep depression, stayed in bed all day, cried and more or less let myself bottom out and face every single fear that crossed my mind. I even forgot to eat. I didn’t get out of bed or dressed until I had to go to a bank machine at about 8:30pm. Then I ordered myself a small pizza and pigged out while watching movies. I gave myself the day to deal with the pain and told myself that I would come back to the world and move past it after 24 hours. My pain was valid, I needed to take time to embrace it and then let myself move forward.

The next day, I woke up to a call from my husband. The company is considering it an occupational accident so therefore as long as he can work, they cannot give him a layoff and if they did, we have a workman’s compensation claim that they would have to pay out. He’s currently resting his ankle and they moved him into the office to do office work and said that he can stay there til he is healed and they will transition him back into manual labor. Chris was happy with this, as was I and he was happy to stay in the office as long as they would have him. While in the office today, the girl that was doing the job that he is doing now left for another job and they offered him the job in office for as long as he wants. There is at least a year of work for him with this stuff and they are willing to pay him at the rate he was originally hired for. This could lead to more office work out there after this because in these jobs, its all about getting your foot in the door. After that, you prove yourself and if you make an impression, they will call you back for more work instead of hiring someone new and having to train them.

Then of course, in between when Chris left and when all this shit hit the fan, my grandmother was talking to my mom. My uncle’s brain tumor has left my grandparents worried (understandably) and my grandmother wants to go up and see her son before his condition worsens. She wants to see him for herself. I get that, I would be the same way. My grandfather does not want to travel. It’s too hard on him with his health the way that it is. So my grandmother happily announces to my mother that one of my other uncles are suppose to drive her the couple of provinces over to see her son. When my mother inquired as to who would stay with poppy, she responded with, “well since Chris is gone away now, Kim will stay with poppy.” Ummmm what the hell? Where did this come from? I love my grandparents. I love being able to help out where I can because I know my time with both of them is limited. But this? Is too far. I was not asked. I wasn’t even told by Gram. It was simply assumed. It doesn’t matter that I have cats that need to be fed and a litter to be cleaned regularly and if I’m not home, I have to make arrangements for someone to stay with them while I’m gone. It doesn’t matter that my main communication with my husband is via video chat on Skype and they have no internet connection for me to use. It also doesn’t help that poppy will not let me help wash him, but I get that, the man still wants to hold onto whatever independence and dignity that he has left and his granddaughter washing him takes what last shreds he has left. Needless to say, my mom and dad, one of my cousins and one of my aunts all agreed that while they are grateful for my help, this is not my responsibility and it shouldn’t be. So now my family is trying to deal with this while I deal with my husband being away.

So regardless of my breakdown because of his accident and all that we would possibly miss out on because of it and my grandmother’s antics, everything seemed to work itself out and give us something better than we had. Chris loves this new job, is moved to day shift and gets to avoid heavy labor. After our talk this morning, I was back to my old self again. I bounced back to myself. I was happy and ready to enjoy the day. I went for my hair appointment, went for a drive with my mom and then hung out with some of my girlfriends this evening. Then I came home to a video date with Chris and I reorganized the living room, did some laundry, and started reorganizing the rest of the apartment too. So 48 hours and I go from extreme low to extreme high. Maybe now I can even out and enjoy the happy middle while I wait for my husband to fly home on the day of our 3rd wedding anniversary.

I hope that everyone is having a better week than what I was having. I hope to get caught up on ICLW tomorrow. As for now, I’m off to get a hot shower and crawl into bed with a movie and drift off to dreamland dreaming of the moment when hubby is back in my arms again.

Leaving On A Jet Plane

Posted on August 19, 2012 by imfluffyowl

We’re going way back here. Do you remember the movie Armageddon? Now, I might age myself here, but the year was 1998 and I was 16. It starred Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler. It had a hit song by Aerosmith, “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing“. But it also had another song that seen some popularity. It was a remake of a John Denver song, “Leaving On A Jet Plane” and it was sung by Canadian artist Chantal Kreviazuk.

Back before we got married, my husband went out west to work in the camps for his trade of metal fabrication. It was a month there, one week home. I hated seeing him leave, but at the time this was the best way. And when he left, this song sort of became my anthem. Because he was one of the last in that rotation to be hired and the fact that they over hired, he was one of the first to be laid off at the end of his first rotation. When he came back home, he decided not to go back out and got a decent job at home.But even now, when I randomly hear this song, those feelings of him getting on that plane resurface.

Fast forward to last month when my dad got my husband indentured in the electrical trade. Then fast forward again to yesterday when he got the call I was both excited for and dreading. It’s official. He got his flight information and he flies out first thing Tuesday morning. We’ve been waiting for this for almost 2 months at this point and now hes leaving and I have to convince my heart that we made the right decision.

Here’s the thing, we need money for treatments. With both of us working jobs around here, it would take us years just to save for one round of IVF and I would be well into advanced maternal age before we could give it our first try. With Chris accepting the job in Alberta, his starting wage as a first year electrician is more than double what he is making here and the further he goes with his schooling and moves up in the trade blocks, the more money he will make. We can finally take care of ourselves comfortably, afford as many treatments as necessary to get our end goal of children, start a savings and college funds for our children before they even make their appearance in our life and maybe even enjoy some traveling.

But the down parts remain. For every 3 weeks we have together, 2 of them will be spent apart. And by apart, I literally mean on opposite ends of the country. My heart aches at the mere thought of sleeping without him. My best sleep has always been curled up to him. Our conversations will have to happen over a skype video chat. Then of course are the things that he will miss. Birthdays, anniversaries and important dates and get togethers. Right now, the day of our 3 year wedding anniversary, he will be spending the entire day traveling home to me. And he will be flying out on the morning of my 30th birthday. Talk about shitty huh? And so far, hes also missing Thanksgiving and Halloween. On top of that, I will be the one overseeing the packing and moving into our home in late October. I will have to rely on the help of family and friends to paint and unpack.

Then of course, what happens when we do get pregnant? I will spend most of my pregnancy alone. Then of course, infertility was the final nail in the coffin for this decision. We needed money for treatment and now he will have to work away once we finally have what we aimed for. Thankfully, we live close to both sets of parents so I’m not alone alone, but my partner, my love, will be spending most of his time watching from afar through a computer. Mind you once I finally give birth, I will give up my maternity leave and give it to Chris, let him take the year off so that he doesn’t miss out, so I can have him home for an extended time. There are perks to being Canadian and the year of maternity leave that can be used by either spouse is one of the best perks. But what about after that year? That part scares me.

So while in many ways it seems like an easy choice to make, its not. It comes at a cost. I’ve been asked why we don’t both just up and relocate, but it becomes redundant. Cost of living here is infinitely cheaper and relocating out there would put us in the same money situation that we are in now with no hope of banking money at a fast rate for treatment. By doing camp work, they pay your way up and back, you live on site so everything you make is take home. There are no costs to the worker, money wise, to this sort of job. Regardless, the emotional costs are high and I only hope that we can handle this.When Chris got his call, I jumped from excited to petrified more often that I could possibly count. From certainty that we could do this to sheer fear that we couldn’t handle it.

I wish I could share my fears, have someone talk me down from the emotional ledge I find myself on every couple of hours. My mother has been living this life for 13 years and while her words are comforting to an extent, I just wish I could fast forward to a point where I could be comfortable with it, like my mother.

So on Tuesday morning while I say goodbye to my husband for two weeks and watch him board that plane, Leaving On A Jet Plane will be playing on repeat in my mind.

We can do this. Yes. I’m certain of it.

…Right?

It’s a roadtrip kind of day

Posted on August 25, 2011 by imfluffyowl

So I woke up today feeling a little bit better, but still overall feeling blah. Chris came out into the living room where I was vegging on the couch. I had already decided not to go to work (one of the perks of working for my parents is that I can call them and simply tell them we are having a bad day and I’m gonna be late or need a personal day). Chris made a comment about the beautiful day we were once again graced with and asked if I wanted to go for a drive today. I definately felt like going for a drive.

So we went. We had no set plan, just the two of us, a packed picnic, a full gas tank and everything we would need to fill a sun filled day (bathing suits, towels, water, that sort of thing) and we took off.

We are very blessed to live in such a beautiful place. Cape Breton is home to the world famous Cabot Trail and while it is breathtaking to take in, its not the only thing to see on the island. We went up towards Kelly’s Mountain and stopped at the two lookoffs to take pictures. From there we ended up in Baddeck. And while I originally wanted to spend some time there, I found us

driving through it and stopping to get some directions and we moved on.

From there, we ended up heading towards Wycogamah but we turned around when we got hungry. We wanted to find a provincial park to enjoy our picnic. We took Exit 11 and headed in towards the Cabot Trail. We didn’t even hit the start of the trail when we found a cute little provincial picnic park called Lake O’Law Provincial Picnic Park. It was the cutest little park. And the view…WOW. The water was so calm that the mountains were like a mirror image in the water. It was so calm and relaxing. I’m grateful for beautiful days and relaxing times with my husband because it helps us take a breather from everything we are dealing with. Sometimes you just need to stop and smell the flowers and enjoy the simple beauties of life. Chris slept for most of the drive home once it started to get dark and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that out of the two of us, I’ll be the long distance driver.

And now that we are home, we are lounging and relaxing in the living room. Once I’m done here, I’m gonna close up the computer for the night and take my cross stitching to bed and curl up and work on my project while I listen to the beautiful voice of Brandon Boyd serenade me. I just realized a critical set of songs missing from my iphone. So now I’m happy to report that almost all of the Incubus discography is on my iphone which makes me a very happy girl.

To my friends and loved ones in Ontario that may be affected by the tornado warnings. Be safe my friends and loved ones and know that I’m thinking of you.

Songs for today: All Incubus songs today: Are You In, Echo, and Stellar