Tomorrow.

My kids go back to in-person school, tomorrow.

Normally, I'd be excited for this day.  Back in March, and even April, I think, I was excited for this day.  Maybe even in May.

Tonight, though, my feelings are mixed.

I'm not afraid of the virus (come what may and all that).

For six months, I've had my family in our home, together.

For six months, we've faced the trials that are plaguing the world, today... in our home, together.

For six months, we've been creative with what groceries we could find, used toilet paper sparingly, been grateful for locking doors and food storage... in our home, together.

For six months, we've shared the internet - supporting two full-time work-from-homers and 3-4 online schoolers... in our home, together.

For six months, we've eased into hanging with friends, again, mostly at our house... in our home, together.

Tomorrow, I'm sending my boys out into the world, again.  To be influenced by who-knows-what-and-who.

Tomorrow, my boys will be leaving our home for sevenish hours a day, most days of the week.

Tomorrow, my house will be quieter, my food will be more plentiful, and my kitchen will be cleaner.

No more lunchtime pool games between my boys, no smallish child constantly asking for access to my gum supply, no more after lunch Minecraft gatherings among my four. 

Tomorrow, my world gets turned upside-down, again, and I'll have to readjust to the new norm and create new routines.

Tomorrow, I will miss having all my family home. 

I'm not worried about the virus.  I'm afraid of not being the only influence in my kids' lives.  

I know it's not realistic to keep them protected from all the things all the time.  

They have to learn to choose and think for themselves and use the tools I've tried real hard to supply them with.  

They get to practice using their manners and serving others and being a friend.  

They get to be good listeners and cooperators and helpers for their teachers (I hope...).  

My 11 year old is excited.  He said it three times this evening.  He said it through tears as he was struggling through more math.  He said it as he was cleaning up his "work station" at our kitchen table.

My 8 year old is not excited.  He wants to stay home.  He doesn't realize his learning is better when he's with a patient teacher.  He doesn't realize he needs the opportunity to learn to control his wiggles.  

I'm confident we made the right decision to send them back.  It's still hard.

My Heart Was Beginning to Fail

I saw something on social media the other day that angered me.  I was so angry, I was shaking - so bad that I could hardly repost the outrageous thing I had just witnessed that clearly the rest of the world needed to be aware of.

A friend of mine posted a response that, in my anger, I saw as an attack on my actions.

I responded with firm words, making it very clear how I felt.  I didn't want to be mean but I needed it known where I stood.

She then responded, again, clarifying what she posted.

Back-step to right before that - right after my "firm words".  

I was working on a project that caused me to be on my knees.  After I left my rebuttal, I sat back and felt I was not alone.  The Spirit took me by the shoulders, it seemed, and just sat there with me, waiting for me to recognize what He knew I needed to hear.  This is all wrong.

In that moment, I became aware.  I felt the love of my Heavenly Father.  He reminded me of the person I am and claim to be and the things I value in myself.  He saw that I was heading down a path that I would regret.  The anger was entering my heart and taking hold.  He saw clearly that I was quickly losing sight of myself and helped me see it before it was too late.

He knows me, is mindful of me*, and knew that if I were truly aware of what was happening, I wouldn't be happy.

Go back to my friend's second response... She said she hesitated in posting what she did but felt prompted by the Spirit to do so.  With her words, it became even more clear to me the message I was supposed to hear:

If I'm not careful, my heart will fail me**.

Contention is in the air.  We are experiencing events that have been prophesied by many.  We have been admonished to #HearHim.  The Lord knew it would grow increasingly difficult to discern between the voices in our hearts if we don't fine-tune our skills in hearing the right one, the one that will guide us down the right path back to Him.

There are better, more effective ways to make my voice heard and effect change.  Blasting on social media does not achieve anything but the spread of negativity.  The adversary isn't picky how this happens, and by my posting something that I felt strongly was in pursuit of justice and standing for what's right, I was simply helping him spread more hate.  I do not want to be an instrument in the wrong hands.

I see more and more this anger I spoke of spreading to the hearts of those I know and love.  Don't let the voice of the adversary be louder than the voice of the One who knows and see all and has the power to, nay, has already overcome, the world and all of its rising evil.  Take a step back.  Check yourself.  Don't let your heart fail you.

*verse 37
**verse 26

Ignorance and Bliss vs. Fuss and Bother

My brain has been on overload these last few months.

My anxiety levels have been so high I've toyed with the idea of going back on medication.

I tell myself, yes, it's always an issue (my anxiety), but a pandemic does not necessitate the usage of mind (and possibly personality)-altering drugs.

Some days, I actually believe that.

My chest feels constricted when I think of the rising numbers.  I don't even need to say which numbers I'm referring to.  We all know.

I haven't read about any riots in a bit... mostly because I haven't been reading about anything for a bit.  I hate social media, these days.  People aren't letting the best in them come out.  It's getting ugly out there.

I know there's a lot going on in the world... upcoming election, the blaming of the President for everything bad happening in our country, people stealing stuff from places as a pathetic form of protest, cops being blamed for everything the President isn't being blamed for, people dying from a virus that knows no bounds, people dying from acts of violence and racism, fires burning bigger around me... I know.  But I don't want to read about it. 

So, I'm not.  Not for a while, anyway.

It's too much. 

I like living in my own little world where we're still trying to unpack from a recent move.  I'm glad we don't have to go out as much (moving is so dang expensive!) and that we're all healthy.  I'm glad I have a job that doesn't pay me what I'm worth but didn't stop when the rest of the world did.  I'm glad my husband has his job that didn't stop when the rest of the world did.  I like my family being home all the time.  (I didn't, at first... but now it's going to be hard to see them leave come time for it.) 

I have so much to be thankful for; that's my focus, these days.  The things that are going right in my own world, not all that's going wrong in the rest of it. 

Seeing the Good

About a year, ago, I wrote about my phone dying.  (My last post.)

I was feeling so discouraged and frustrated, I needed to remind myself of the things I had instead of dwelling on the things I didn't have.

Little did I know what would be my lot a year later... The lot of the whole world, actually.

More than ever I find myself making an effort to be grateful.  Some days are easier than others.

Our world has been turned upside-down.  I'm acutely self-aware and know that in order to function effectively, I need time to be by myself.  I'm also convinced I'm high-functioning (mostly) OCD.  I know a lot of people say they have it as a quirk to their personality, but I feel I would actually be diagnosed with it, if given the chance.  Having my family home when they're not supposed to be and using food and consumer goods more than we're used to using and messing things up and being noisy when things are normally clean and quiet has been rocking my boat.  On top of that, I've had to amend my normal daily schedule to include homeschooling on top of working full time and trying to arrange for a house transfer.  (We're moving.)

For about a week or two, I began spiraling deep into a debilitating mixture of anxiety and depression.  I think my subconscious was sensing the coming stay-at-home order because this all happened before we were largely encouraged to stop living our lives as we knew them.

If any of you know anything about me, you know I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I went to Him in prayer one night, giving Him my burden that was growing increasingly unstable.  He took it and impressed upon my mind, "It will be ok".

The next morning I awoke refreshed and ready for anything because I knew I was not alone and that everything would, in fact, be ok.

I started noticing things that bring me joy among all the chaos:

My gas budget is very pretty, right now.  Not driving hardly anywhere combined with the lower gas prices has given us a nice chunk of change to tuck away.

My kids have expressed the desire to hang out with each other more than friends and have been playing together and inventing games and creating an atmosphere of fun (messes).

My whole family is home and safe and healthy.

My husband and I are both blessed to be able to work from home without losing any time or income and I could not be more grateful for this.  What a huge blessing.

My two oldest kids were already doing online school so I didn't have to come up with ways to teach to high school kids (my 5th grade math skills are being challenged enough, right now... haha).

I have everyone home to help clean and pack up our house, a task I am used to doing by myself.  That's been nicer than I thought.

My kids have amazing teachers and an amazing school.  The supplemental resources they have been providing have greatly boosted the curriculum I devised on my own.  I'm glad for this.

I avoided social media for a bit because of all the panic posts... now I see all the good and positivity being shared by so many.  People are inherently good and are finding it in themselves and I love this.

I wanted to record these things because writing is my passion; I love words and putting my thoughts into them.  I want to be able to look back and see that we made it through.  I want the reminder that when times are hard that all I have to do is pray and I'll remember I'm not alone - that everything will be ok.

A year from now, I'll be preparing for my second child graduation and my third child will have the Priesthood.  My kids will be in school and though I'll be enjoying the "alone time", I'll probably miss my family a little and remember to cherish every moment I have with them.  My oldest will likely be out of the house and we'll probably feel that absence, greatly.  We'll have been in our new house for a year and will hopefully have all the boxes unpacked.  haha

It'll be nice to look back and be glad I'm not in this, anymore.

At Least My Legs Still Work

A year, ago, a friend of ours from another state was climbing and fell something like 40 ft to what his family surely thought would be his death.  He lived, though.  The damage to his spine was pretty significant and he lost the use of his legs.  This guy was a bike-riding, hiking, running, always active kinda guy.  A year later, he's recovering still and is learning how to keep living his best life.

Since that day, lots of things in my life have seemed pretty insignificant.  Trials and annoyances and such.  I have said many times to my family, "At least your legs still work".  

My phone died, today.  

I went through all the stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and now I'm working on acceptance.  Hence the writing - nothing clarifies my thoughts more than writing them down.

To-do lists, books I plan to read, ideas for a book I'm going to write, songs I want to sing at the next karaoke party, my calendar, quotes upon quotes upon quotes, and pictures... months of pictures.  Thankfully, I just got this phone like right after Christmas, I think.  But, my heart is sick over everything I've lost.  

I used to know all the phone numbers in my life - all of them.  I used to keep a planner/calendar and an alarm clock and notebooks... I've grown so dependent on my phone.  Haven't we all? My music is on there, my scriptures were on there, several links to family and friends... And to think once upon a time we didn't have all of that and still did just fine.

I find myself wondering, how am I going to go for my daily walk or do my dishes without my music? What am I going to do in the hammock without Netflix to watch? I have doctors and dentist appointments next week... what time were they at? What days?? 

And the pictures..... they're gone.  

My crossword puzzles, my word puzzles... gone.  My app for my new fitness band... gone.  My WW app that I've been so painstakingly updating every day for weeks... gone.  

How am I going to know what the weather's supposed to be like? What if someone texts me and doesn't know I don't have my phone for a few days? 

Miraculously, my phone was under warranty.  I get a "certified like new device" mailed to me for free.  But there's no way to transfer the data from my current phone to my "new" phone.  It's just gone.

But, hey - at least my legs still work.

Thank you and Goodbye

It's always late at night when that moment hits me - the "I need to write about this" moment.

There are a few pieces to this story - I'll try to put it together without rambling.

The piece that started it all - Marie Kondo tidies up my life.  I checked the book, Tidying Up, from the library when it first came out.  I never read it.  I've realized when it comes to books like that - the ones that can be life-changing - I tend to think about reading without actually doing it.  I think I have it in my head that once I read them, I might actually have to do something about it.  That's out of my comfort zone.  So, I continue to check them out from the library and they continue to sit on our library shelf in my front room until I run out of renewals.  This was such a book.  But then she came to Netflix.  Netflix, I can do - it's sort of the root of this post, but I'll get to that.  I binge-watched the show and to say it was life-changing would be an understatement.  I began mentally (and physically) going through my house, decluttering all the things that didn't spark joy.  It's still a work in progress.

Then something else happened - it occurred to me I needed to declutter my mind, too.  There are many things I've been clinging to that certainly don't spark joy.  Habits, thoughts, ideas, even people.  I tried explaining the process to a friend, once:  Imagine a fish tank.  Typically, they're filled with colorful things and are very pleasing to the eyes.  If you've ever owned one, though, you know this can be deceiving.  When you rustle up the rocks on the bottom, all the sediment gets disturbed and starts mucking up the water.  It's crap (literally) you didn't even realize was there.  Marie Kondo did that to my brain - she rustled up my rocks.  I started doing some soul-searching and self-evaluating.  This process simultaneously almost ended and essentially saved my marriage.  (Seriously, life-changing.)  My rocks needed to be rustled.  My brain-water needed to be super cleaned of all the crap that had been lying around for too many years.  It's been an exhausting but necessary process.  Also, still a work in progress.

In my mental decluttering, I've come to see that I'm stuck.  My life is a pattern of nothingness, kind of like a crib mobile that doesn't ever get anywhere; it just keeps going in the same futile direction.  Yesterday, after a day of being in a rotten mood, I realized this even more keenly than I ever have.  I took it to the temple with me, last night, and prayed for guidance.  I prayed for whatever it is I need to break free of this go-nowhere-makes-me-feel-rotten pattern.  I had an inkling what might be adding to my fruitless existence.

This brings me to the Netflix piece of my story.  Lately, I've been watching a lot of Netflix.  Like, a lot.  And by lately, I mean for months.  I work from home and don't always have a lot of work to do so I've been filling my time with binge-watching.  Netflix has been there for me when I needed it.  It was one of my few happy thoughts when I was struggling with postpartum depression after Owen was born.  My in-laws had just introduced it to us and I loved it.  It provided a mental escape from the ugliness I faced every waking moment for so long after his birth.  It was something normal and, oh, how I needed normal in my life at that time.  It was a safe distraction from the thoughts of anguish and despair that clouded my days.  It was one of the few things that didn't make me feel worse.

These days, though, I find myself thinking of my cleverly coined phrase, "Numbing with Netflix" because lately (and by lately, I mean for years), I haven't been loving my life.  Netflix has been my escape.  I could avoid the mess that's been in my home and in my mind by immersing myself in the fictional lives of others.  I could forget about the crud building up on the bottom of my fish tank as long as I was watching Netflix.

I feel like my tank-cleaning growth of late was feeling stifled, hence my feeling rotten, yesterday.  I've been decluttering in all these other areas but have still been keeping the same unhealthy pattern that Netflix had become, a pattern I didn't know how to break free from.

In my bedtime prayer, tonight, I followed up on my pleas uttered when I was at the temple.  How do I break free? My answer came.

I need to Marie Kondo that b- ... I mean, I need to let it go.  I need to say thank you to Netflix for being there for me, for serving its purpose when I so desperately needed it, and I need to let it go.  It's no longer needed and has become unnecessary clutter that leaves little room for progress, and frankly, I'm progressing more than I ever have these days.  I need the room.

Ruminating

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
                                                             
                                                                             - John Lennon

That's how I feel a lot of my life has been.  I'm a list maker, goal setter, plan prepper.  The thing that all of these have in common, though, is the regret I feel when I never get it all done. I spend a lot of time (and life) thinking about how I'm going to do things instead of actually doing them.  Then I look back and kick myself so hard for not doing it as perfectly as I had envisioned.  The "if only" attitude I seem to have 97% of the time is sometimes all-consuming.

I have made a new year's resolution pretty much every year of my life for as long as I can remember.  I even signed and laminated it one year.  Last year, I think, was the first year I actually accomplished one of my goals.  It became a part of my daily routine (scripture study) and I love it.

The end of last year went by so quickly and was so busy that if I thought about it, I would probably end up watching all of my Christmas movies and crying because I feel like I didn't get enough Christmas out of Christmas.  (I say this because one night while I was not sleeping, something I do regularly these days, that's what it came to.) We went out of state to visit family for the week of Christmas - which was great, don't get me wrong - but pretty much all of October and November and December was consumed with lists and planning and budgeting and shopping, not to mention my church responsibilities.  The holidays went by way too fast and I still haven't fully unpacked from our trip.  My Christmas decorations are still gathering dust around my house.

I didn't get a solid resolution down is my point.  The first of the year came and went and I still didn't have one.  That's not to say I haven't been thinking about it.  I've been seeing some things on social media about what other people are doing and of course, my thoughts go right to "Oh - that's a good idea... I should do that, too!" and I inevitably feel bad about not thinking of something so clever, myself, and all the years wasted not doing that very thing.

One of the things I saw a friend or two doing was coming up with a word that will be what they try to center their year around.  One friend in particular's word is "joy".  Joy is actually something I was after last year.  I spent an awful lot of time thinking about it.  I don't know that I actually accomplished anything solid, though.  That's something I want for my life, though.  Joy is more solid than happiness.  "Comparison is the thief of joy."  I do this.  I compare myself.  To others, to my old self... and it's a fruitless exercise.

Resolutions, I've decided, are like diets: doomed to fail.  What's needed, instead, are a gradual implementation and melding of lifestyle changes.

This year and for the rest of my life, I want simplicity.  I want to be rid of the things that don't bring me joy.  Even the thoughts that don't bring me joy.  I want more life out of life.  I want to find myself.  Not that I'm lost, but uncover the me that's been buried by thoughts of failure and comparison and inadequacy and more failure and clutter.  Oh my gosh, the clutter.  Before the tidying show came to Netflix, I have found myself really questioning the value of the "things" in my life that seem to just fill and overcome the space that is my home and my life.  And yes, my mind, I would wager.  Even my email is cluttered and in need of a cleanout.

I follow a blog of someone I have come to love and admire.  She posted something that felt so much like she was writing down the very thoughts in my head.  She talks of having a very, very busy mind and stressing about the past or future and being in a constant loop of wishes and dreads, not being in the moment.  I do that.  I'm fairly certain I'm on the autism spectrum or have OCD or something because I obsess.  I'm compulsive.  And my anxiety is through the roof because of it.  I'm convinced I can't have real friends because of it.  I start a lot of needless arguments amongst my family because of it.  I know I lose sleep because of it.  My life and my mind are a mess.  A couple of years, ago, I went off of medication with the help of my doctor.  I was convinced I could manage my anxiety on my own.  It's all I think about because it's always there, and, again, all-consuming.  I made a decision the other day that this is not the quality of life I want.  I feel like I can't do other things because I'm so busy just trying to maintain, which I can't always do on my own.

My blogger also said this:  "I'd like to think I'm a kind person.  Kindness, after all, is a quality I value deeply in others.  But if I spend, oh, say 12 out of every 24 hours tearing myself down, I have to wonder if maybe I'm not doing kindness right.  ...You can't give anyone anything that you don't have.  That feels true, and it reminds me how faulty it is to think kindness is a one-way street."  My truth couldn't have been spoken more clearly.  I constantly beat myself up.  I know this is because of whatever is causing my mind's unwanted demand for perfection.  I unconsciously expect it - perfection - in myself, in my family, in the people around me.

If I could take a chill pill, I would.  Wait... I can.  ha  I'm going to talk to my doctor about going back on medication.  I'm sincerely hoping and praying that it helps me do just that - chill.  I want to enjoy life, not numb myself with Netflix or food because I can't handle it.  I want to be in control of at least one thing - myself.  I want to be able to see a mess in my home and not freak out about it because I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I have to maintain that perfect (see, there it is again) balance.  I want to see things on social media and not feel bad because I'm not just like that.  I want to be ok with who I am and how I do things.  I want to cease feeling this weight that seems to be holding me down, that I have to battle from the moment I wake up till the moment I finally fall asleep.  I want to enjoy the rest of my life (not just this year) with no regrets.  I want to be free from the brain and life clutter that overwhelms me just by looking at or thinking about it.  I want to not care about what other people think.  I want to stop obsessing about my mothering or my children or their futures or their health or my health or money or friends... I want to stop obsessing.  Period.  And dang it, I want to be able to sleep.

I want to live my best life.

And I'm not going to feel guilty because I didn't start this on January 1st.

Top Ten Things That Happened Whilst I Fasted From Social Media for Ten Days

1.  A roadrunner chilled on my porch for a morning.  Only 5 other people knew about it.  I took a picture.

2.  I was five days late... but not six.  😳🙏

3.  My son decided to be a cat named "Meowy" who's a thief but also a knight who's also a professor for Halloween.

4.  Velociraptors visited my library.  I have the selfie to prove it.

5.  I bought tickets to see Wicked next April with my daughter.  We're most excited.

6.  My phone was painlessly upgraded.  (Hello, Moto...)

7.  I added more Halloween earrings to my collection.  Well, I only had one pair before, so now it's officially a collection.

8.  My family came to the conclusion that we are very decidedly a one-dog-only family.

9.  I wandered into "Jane the Virgin" territory on Netflix.  I'm probably going to be here for a while.

10.  I realized how many times during the day something will happen in my life and my first thought is to share it with the internet.


Bonus:  I didn't miss it.  I realized I don't need to check every notification or thing my friends are selling.  I wasted a lot of my life checking up on the lives of others.  I think I'm going to vastly decrease my usage from here on out.

By Small and Simple Things...

Recently, a promise was made by our stake president to a congregation of people at a fireside that if we accepted the invitation to submerge ourselves in the scriptures and follow the same reading schedule the youth were invited to follow in preparation for a very special event coming next year, we would see miracles happen in our lives.

My soul was touched.  The Spirit in that meeting was so strong it could be physically felt.

Yet, I was hesitant.  My family has been doing scripture reading almost every night for many moons but it's been puny at best.  This would require us to read more each night and answer discussion questions following.

Did we want to start over? Again? Were my kids going to sit for longer and actually tolerate a discussion afterward?

I had my doubts.

In fact, for a couple weeks, we didn't even do it.  I figured what we were doing was good enough and hey, at least we were doing it, right?

Apparently, it wasn't good enough.  One day I got the very strong prompting that we needed to join the masses that were on the reading schedule and just start where everyone else was.  I told my husband about it and met my first opposition.  I won't go into details but we'll say he wasn't on board.  He thought what we were doing was good enough, too.

The next day, though, he announced to the family during our family council (it was a Sunday) that we were going to be doing the scripture reading we were invited to participate in, starting that evening.

And we did.  We all had our scriptures and followed along.  We took turns reading a number of verses to cover the nightly reading assignment.  We then read the corresponding study question to get a discussion started.

The discussions haven't been scholarly by any means.  Sometimes it's all we can do to get a single syllable answer out of even one person.  But we're doing it.

And today, I saw my first miracle.

My kids are all home on Fall break this week.  I always come up with a "If you want to kill your brain cells with electronics, you're going to exercise your mind and body, first" list.

Part of my list, this time, was taking the dog for a walk around the block.

The miracle is my oldest son went.  Even though one of his shoes was still wet from having to be cleaned off due to a doggie doo incident.  Even though he's fought me on this in the past.  He went with a smile on his face and returned with a smile on his face.

All of my kids did all the things on the list without me nagging them to do it.  They did it with smiles on their faces.  They did it without fighting me.

I don't know if tomorrow will be the same but I'll take today.  I'll take this miracle.

p.s.  I've started a 10 day social media fast, today.  For the record, I did not need to go on any other site to share this post.  Just so we're clear.  ;)

Mid-life panic

I've started this post three times, now.  My thoughts ramble.

It comes to this, though - I'm 40.  I'm beginning to feel a desperate sort of panic about my life.

Like, what have I accomplished? I've done everything I ever wanted to do... which isn't saying much, really.

I've gotten married in the temple and started a family.  Those were my life goals.

And that's all.

I actually had this plan to go to school for medical assisting and move to Boulder, Colorado.  I mean, go big or go home, amIright? Ha.  I did do the school part.

By use of the handy encyclopedias we had growing up, I was able to make a list of the things I thought would be ideal in a place of residence and narrowed it down to Oregon or Washington.  I lived in Washington for two years, so that's something.

For real, though - now what? Is this as good as it gets?

I can see how people sort of flip about this time in their life.  I'm not about starting an affair or buying a two-seater car because of some "crisis".

I do want more, though.  If I died today, I can't say that I'm satisfied.  I want no regrets.

I just have to decide what that looks like for me.

I need to define the answer to my question and take action because I feel like I'm running out of time.  I feel like it's 3am and I have a major project due the next day and I'm not going to be able to do my best because I procrastinated till the last minute so now I have to settle for probably a D.

I don't want that.  I don't want a D kinda life.

I sorta feel paralyzed by the panic... like what do I do? How do I do it? Where do I start? What even do I want out of my life? What do I want to see when I look back from my last days on this earth?

Now is where my thoughts start to ramble.

To be continued...