Smith and Moorehouse

We went camping with Tim's parents this weekend. We went up to Smith and Moorehouse reservoir on Thursday morning and stayed two nights. Which is the longest we've ever camped as a family! Steph and Beau were also there the first day.

On our way up we stopped at a diner in Oakley that was very cool, but very slow and expensive before we headed up. When we got to the campground the kids immediately got to work exploring. There was a large stream running through our site and it provided hours of entertainment. We had a spaghetti dinner and then planned to go fishing, but it got too windy and rainy, and then too late. We did go down to the lake to put gas in the boat for the next days and the kids played in the water fully clothed and soaked all their warm stuff.

Friday morning we got to celebrate Mason's birthday. I cannot believe my little guy is already in the double digits. He opened his presents and then after breakfast we went down to the lake. He caught four fish and the other kids each caught one.

We played around the campsite and had cake and lunch and played some Uno and did more exploring for the rest of the day. We went on a little hike and saw some bear (possibly, I doubt it) scat. The kids did a little target practice with the BB gun and practiced their whittling skills. After dinner we were planning to go fishing again, but everyone was tired and we decided to wait and go again in the morning.

The next day we went fishing first thing again, and it was perfect weather. A little cloudy and cool, and not many people on the lake. We only caught two fish and kids were just too worn out, so we ended our fishing early and went back to eat and pack up camp.

It was so nice having a few days to focus on my sweet kids and just enjoy them and their fun personalities and imagination. I need to make more time to really focus in on them without a bunch of distractions. It was so fun.

     

A Sort-of Final Good-bye

Today we laid my sweet Mom to rest. 

She died last Friday, May 3, 2018 around noon. My brother text me in the morning and told me that the nurse said we should consider taking her oxygen tube out because it was only prolonging things. So I told them I would leave in 20 minutes to be there when the decision was made. I left about ten minutes later and by the time I got to Brigham she had already passed.

I had been with her nearly every day in the weeks leading up to her death. In the hospital and then in her home. On Tuesday, Emily and I sat for a few hours and rubbed her sore, swollen feet while we talked. She wanted to discuss her funeral plans mostly. She had been so out of it from the medication since she was first admitted to the hospital, but she was very clear while we were there that day. It was a real blessing to be able to spend so much time with her. She said that she was excited to find out what was coming next, and totally at peace with everything.

Then on Thursday morning I stopped in again, but she was almost completely unresponsive. She woke up once to tell me that her temple clothes needed laundered and once to answer that she loves me too - very, very much. And those were the last words we spoke to each other. Our love.

After she passed we sat in her room with her for a while. Then we called the nurses to come take care of her and call the mortuary. 

The week has been a blur of funeral arraignments and denial and tears. I went with my dad and Ryan to the funeral home the morning after she died. I picked out the casket and flowers and programs and headstone. A granite bench. Then I decided who should speak and pray and called to ask them all and helped my dad with the rest of the program. I put together a video for the viewing that took until about 1 AM the morning before, with some tweaks the day of. It was good for me to have a lot to do.

On Friday morning Emily and I went to the funeral home to do my mom's hair and make-up and finish dressing her in her temple clothes. We were so nervous, I didn't know what to expect. She didn't look at all like what I was expecting. I thought she would be white or yellow, but she just looked like she did without make-up, but a little plastic. It turned out to be a very good experience and I am so glad we were able to do it together. She turned out beautiful, too. Young and healthy and pretty. 

We were expecting a LOT of people to come to the viewing, but there weren't nearly as many as I thought. Still, a lot of people came to support her family and express their love of my mom. She influenced so many people. I think the reason not as many people came to the viewing Friday night was that so many were planning to come to the viewing and funeral today. It was a full house.

It was really a beautiful tribute to my mom. On the way home, Tim pointed out that anyone could explain my mom and everyone would say about the same thing. She was bright and cheerful and loving and encouraging. Everyone has a story of my mom expressing her love for them in a meaningful way.

My emotions have been all over the place. It's hard to look forward now knowing that her funeral is over and all of our future plans won't include her. I don't know if I've really started grieving because I've just been pushing it down to get through the week. But it hits me hard sometimes and I just stop to cry for a few minutes, then pull myself together and move on. 

I've felt so peaceful sometimes, and today during the funeral I felt almost happy. Happy for her. Like I could feel how happy she is and I can't begrudge her that by wishing she was still here. But I've also been angry. Why did she have to go so young. She still had so many big plans. I still need her. My dad still needs her. She could have been healed and taken when she was old. When we were more ready.

I know she's happy. And I'm going to focus on that. Even though I am so, so sad.

Easter Weekend

My mom has lung cancer, have I mention that here? She was diagnosed in the fall of 2016 after complaining to her doctor for years about waking up in the middle of the night with shortness of breath (he told her it was panic attacks and prescribed anti-anxiety medication). When she got a terrible pain in her side they decided she needed her gallbladder removed. It wasn't until they did a pre-surgery x-ray that they discovered the cancer.

She quickly contacted a friend with a doctor-friend and got an appointment with an excellent doctor in California who ran a lot of tests and found that she had stage 4 non-small cell carcinoma. It's the kind of lung cancer that people who don't smoke get. People, apparently, who exercise regularly and and make sure they eat lots of veggies. It was such a horrible shock. I googled the diagnosis and everything online said that she had weeks or months to live at the most. I pulled over my car to cry more that once that week. My mom. My best friend.

Thankfully, they also discovered that her particular cancer has the kind of DNA that allows them to treat it with gene-therapy. The doctor said that if she had been diagnosed even five years prior, the outlook would have been completely different. They transferred her care to the Hunstman Cancer Hospital, started her treatment, and within just a couple of weeks it seemed like she could beat it! It was truly a miracle. The medication made her very tired and she lost a lot of her hair, among other side effects. But she was going to live.

After about a year the first medication they gave her stopped working, but there was another. After a few months that wasn't working. Once she was out of gene-therapy options, they decided to try radiation.

Then the radiation wasn't working. Her lung started filling with liquid sometimes. She kept getting it drained, but that was very painful. They decided to try chemotherapy and immunotherapy. The immunotherapy is pretty new, but people are living for much long with it, some people are still alive after five years, and they just started using it around that time. So it still seemed beatable.

She finished her first round of chemo, but soon after her lung filled with fluid and they had to put in a permanent drain and start another round of chemo. Between infusions, her blood levels weren't returning to normal. So they had to postpone the infusions so she could get blood transfusions to bring the levels back up. She went on a trip to St. George at the end of March this year and came home with horrible pain in her groin. The doctos said it was probably just a pulled muscle from hiking and not to worry about it.

A week and a half ago she went for another round of chemo, and instead was sent to the hospital for another blood transfusion. When she got all checked in, the plan was to get a port put in, so she wouldn't have to keep getting poked, and do a cat scan and an MRI. Everything kept getting mixed up and postponed, and they had to sedate her for the MRI because of the pain of laying down, so she was there four nights instead of the intended one night. I was able to visit her a couple of days and spend a night in the hospital with her. I haven't had a lot of one-on-one time with her lately, so that part was actually kind of nice.

Then finally, the Saturday before Easter, they sent her home. She had been planning the holiday far in advance. The eggs were filled with candy and coins, and the kids painted piggy banks to put their coins in. It was really a beautiful day. Because of course it was. If there is one thing my mom never does half-way, it is holiday parties. She makes purposefully makes everything as fun and beautiful as it can be.

For Easter the kids each got one little toy (LOLs, PJ Masks, and Beyblades) and some candy. We visited Tim's parents and relaxed.

Then on Monday my mom said she could feel the rushing in her ears that lets her know that her blood levels are low, so a friend took her to the hospital. They got the MRI results and it showed that the cancer has metastasized to her pelvis and spine. Tuesday she called and asked me to come early, so Tim got off work early and I went to the hospital to be with her. She was just getting all bad news and didn't want to be alone. My dad got there an hour after me and we went and picked up dinner downtown and came back to eat with her, and then I went home.

I went back early Wednesday morning so I could be there for all of her doctors meetings. My dad got there not long after, again, and filled out his FMLA paperwork so that he wouldn't have to go back. 

The doctor and his team came in and gave us the clear, final news, after days of sort-of thinking there might be some options.

Adults produce nearly all their blood in their pelvis, and her cancer is preventing that process from happening. Even though they pumped her full of blood on Tuesday, by Wednesday her levels were right back down. Platelets live in the body about 3 days and red blood cells a few weeks, so they expect her to live somewhere in that range.

She was discharged on Wednesday afternoon to the care of hospice.

So. We've been spending as much time with her as we can. Either just me or some combination of me and my family have been to see her 5 out of the last 6 days. Kelson and Lexi were in Utah for her baby shower, and we were supposed to go down to Hurricane but the trip was cancelled and they came here instead. Her brothers flew in to say good-bye. There have been people at her house constantly to let her know how much they love her. She's been trying to get us to plan her funeral.

My mom has been pretty incredible through the whole thing. Her faith is so strong. She got a blessing last year that said that she would be healed and I have been clinging to that. But she's not afraid to die. She said that she knows where she's going and she's not worried. She even said it's all kind of exciting. Dying...a new adventure.

She just worries about us. About leaving us. And I don't want her to leave. I need her to be here with me to show me what to do with these kids. To listen to the things that only my mom would understand. I need to be able to call her for a recipe. I need my kids to get to really know her and have her precious influence in their lives.  I feel like so much of how I think about myself and who I am is tied up in her and without her I'll just float away. Like she's my tether to the good parts of me.

They gave her days, and so far it has been 6. There is still a slim chance that one of the gene therapies she was using before will give her some relief, so that's what I am hoping for. I'm hoping for a few more months. But right now and I'm just going to go through each day and spend as much time with her as possible and be grateful that I came to her.

Baptism Day for Brielle

Brielle got baptized yesterday. She has been very anxious looking forward to this day. The morning of her baptism, she told me that she dreamed that she had to do it naked in front of everyone. The idea of everyone watching her was really freaking her out.

In the morning she got to go to the trampoline park with Cheyenne and Indy Goodyear, which was perfect. She had the best time, and she didn't have to sit around at home getting more nervous.

When we finally got to the church about 20 minutes before he scheduled time of 3:00, the parking lot was empty and every door was locked. I was really hoping that didn't mean that the font would be empty. It took about 20 minutes to get someone to open the doors, but we got in and got everything set up. She sat between Tim and I, clenching my hand and fighting back tears through the beginning of the program. When it was time for her to get baptized, Tim asked them to close the font covering until she was all ready to go, which was genius on his part.

The whole thing went off without a hitch and Tim gave her a beautiful blessing when he confirmed her. She looked so beautiful and was so happy when it was all over. I'm so proud of my sweet little Brielle, she is such a bright light. And I know her Heavenly Father is pleased with her decision as well.