avrelia

I am grateful for people in my life.

This year my costume is of an angry tired Russian woman of an undetermined age. Soon enough I won't even have to pretend being Baba Yaga.

(Actually I am a young fairy princess, full of hope, optimism and sharp teeth. Hahahaha)


is it me or is it world, but I see much fewer decorated houses. It might have been our move, but I am not sure about that, for we haven't really moved, and I can see both the old place and the new place.

I did, however, do my Halloween reading well in advance. Mostly because I didn't regard it as Halloween reading, but something that struck my fancy.

Diavola by Jennifer Thorne - about mean Italian ghost torturing an American family, and the family is way scarier than the ghost, even if the ghost was more powerful. it's funny and disturbing more than scary

Bewitching by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. New England and Mexican witches and a cool protagonist. Very sad, autumn-y feel, even if the "present time" story happens over summer break.

as a human brain likes finding its patterns, I found a huge similarity between the books. ( Huge spoiler )


I also unexpectedly watched a K-drama on Netflix - "Genie Make a wish" Reminded me a lot of the Lucifer tv series for its supernatural family drama flair. But it was very pretty, occasionally hilarious, occasionally emotional, and I could see the actors were enjoying the silliness.

But I am here, and I am 49. It is a weird number of years. I am still a work in progress, dreaming of becoming someone more interesting...

It seems that I managed to disturb the local online Russian-speaking community today by asking what I thought to be an innocent question: "should I go to Daniel's high school graduation?" I don't really plan to skip it, but Daniel seems lukewarm about the whole thing, and the Senior Awards last week was full of profoundly long and boring speeches, and lasted three hours, and I imagined the graduation ceremony to be twice as long. But as I asked I thought the answers would be "go, it would be great!" instead I feel people are ready to report me to child services for daring to consider skipping one ceremony.

I am planning to go, at the very least I am curious to present at the graduation. I mean mostly I am familiar with the process through movies and tv, and how likely is that our town’s mayor will turn into a giant snake during Daniel’s graduation?

His prom was already not at all like all the movies. He just went by himself and danced with his friends and had a good time. And at midnight I went and picked him up from school.

But given that I shall have also George's elementary school farewell, it would all be rather exhausting, honestly. In truth, I am overwhelmed with all the graduation activities this month for both of my kids, and there are so many events for both of them! it's crazy – and the school theater, and soccer end of the season.

I don't think I've missed any of Daniel's ceremonies in all his school life. But for many people it seems there is just one event one cannot miss – the high school graduation, which is something I don’t understand. I don’t feel, to be honest, it to be that much of an achievement. I don’t want to minimize Daniel’s efforts and the work he did, really, but it feels strange that missing everything yet coming to the graduation means one is a good parent, but missing graduation equals being a bad parent and traumatizing one’s child forever.

I am probably too alien still.

I remember my graduation day. It was a milestone, but mostly for spending last day and night with my classmates. I don’t even remember whether my parents were there. I think not, it wasn’t a big deal for me, their presence there. I loved having that day to myself.

the title I can't translate from Russian. Or, I can but it won't express my feelings exactly.

things are happening.

went to walk the dog in a park, brought about several dozens of ticks with us.

I mean... that is just life.

doing our presentation on Russia tomorrow.

is there such a thing as "just life"?

Maybe trilobites had it. maybe we have no idea about the advanced society they had for millions of years.

everything is stardust

don't mind it

мучительно ощущаю время
уходящее
закрываю глаза и забываю
настоящее

закрываю глаза и проваливаюсь
в ту Москву
что знала мой оптимизм и не знала
мою тоску

сколько надежд было, сколько
путей-дорог
были мечты и планы, не было
вечных тревог

но кажется нынче, что дорога
была одна
куда бы я ни пошла, на пути
ждала война

то застыну в скорби и гневе
то делаю шаг
вперед. то закрываю глаза и придумываю
что все не так

There used to be a joke in Russia that the government only need enough people to ensure the oil is flowing without interruptions to be sold. Then I realized it was not a joke.

Now, in USA, it feels that people with billions of dollars only need people to extract money from them. and labor. as soon as there is no money or labour left to extract, they can be fired. So now those people are trying to run the government the same way.
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Not only they are firing people from government positions reducing them to abstract numbers without care about what those people are actually doing, they are trying to fire the population. To keep the bare minimum "for efficiency".
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and the question they seem to be asking "why do we need all those people?" not caring that it is not people who are there for the government, it is the government is here for the people. or should be. The asinine idea of running country as a company is not doing favors to anyone.

There is never a good time to be Russian, it seems. With that in mind, I signed up for Diversity festival in my son’s elementary school to represent Russia and create the display about Russian Federation. Not today, but I keep thinking about that my decision today, as always. And you know what? F* it. It is the country where I was born and grew up. It is the culture that is mine. It is the history I am a part of. Why should I give it up? Why should I yield it to people I hate?

The theme of presentation btw: "Russia is the prison of the peoples"// V.Lenin Many cultures in Russia you probably don't know about.

How fandom improved my life.
https://snowflake-challenge.dreamwidth.org/77196.html

It opened the world to me in 2003. I lived in Vancouver when I started watching Buffy and discovered existence of the fandom, then we moved to Toronto, and I started not just reading, but writing in the LiveJournal and participate in fandom discussions, kerfuffles and fun activities. I wasn’t totally alone, I had friends, but they didn’t want to talk to me about Buffy. We had other things to talk about, and it was great, but fandom allowed me to talk about stuff I wanted, and taught me how to think, analyze, and discuss stuff in a new way. It taught me a lot about life and mores in Other Places, it helped me to feel at home in North America, it taught me English, it introduced me to many wonderful people.

The end results of the year

it was a very busy year, that has seen me accomplishing quite a lot, mostly unexpected. Things I wanted mostly fell by the wayside, but I did to some stuff.

So, in a random order.

1) I ran a bookclub that I started in October 2023. a year ago I celebrated its start, but now, after a year I celebrate myself for staying the course and not yielding to gale winds of more strong-willed members who know the best way to run a book club. I am not looking for the best way, I want my book club run my way. It is a small thing, but it was important to me.

2) I become a member of a school site council basically by inviting myself in. Again, a tiny thing, but important to me. It allowed me to see some inner workings of our school (elementary) and a district, and it also led to

3) me making and running a math club at school for 2-5 grades. Older kids participate in MOEMS math olympics, younger ones learn to solve fun math problems. I didn’t want to run it, but I wanted kids to have it, and there was nobody else ready to do it (except for one other mom, who is my partner in running it)

4) I did a reading kids club over the summer, hoping it will grow into something more than me reaign books to a handful of kids. It didn’t, since after the summer my life veered off course I planned.

5) My mother in law arrived from Kyiv, and we spent months arranging her life here. We kind of settled her, comfortably enough, I hope, even if not ideally. But well, a lot of weekends we spends driving around the Bay area looking at various living arrangements.

6) I hardly ever wrote anything, having hardly any mood and focus. I don’t want to say I didn’t have time, but when I had, I couldn’t write.

7) I read a lot. For book club and for myself.

8) I kept amusing myself with making jewelry. I love to put stuff together, but now it seems time to learn how to do it properly (so it would not break apart or scratch, or look weird).

9) I bought a lot of paper books, having accepted that this is my hoard, and I don’t care whether I or my family will every read them. I do try. It is rather funny to buy books in Russian now, when it is so much more difficult. Maybe I do want a library of my own.

10) I got summons for the jury duty, and then I got chosen and spent seven weeks going to court and being a juror. It was quite an experience, that ended up meaning a lot to me.

11) I discovered that I love California

12) I felt more comfortable with myself and my place in the world this year. And, the year that is almost over reminded us that the world is a shitty place right now, but I am kind of used to it. I am living in a post-apocalyptic world right now. Bad things happened and have been happening. And might happen in the future. But I started a math club, and kids are excited to solve complicated math problems with me. I helped to bring some actual justice in the world. I made some lives a bit better with my bookclub. I made new friends. I met wonderful people. I know a path forward. There is a wound in me that’ll never heal, but it’s ok. it’s how people live. I miss terribly my family and Russia, and I am terrified of going there, and I feel guilty for being terrified to go and see my family. It is a problem I cannot solve. But I can do other things and I am doing them. It’s not that bad.