day 3 (17/11)

:(

sorry Daddy...

it's not meant to be like that...

i thought it was over...

but i guess this war is harder than i thought...


sorry...


-bea-

day 1 (15/11) and day 2 (16/11)

the temptation was so great but i thank You, Daddy for giving me the strength.

it has just been 2 days but i've already grown impatient.

i was thinking to myself yesterday, was it really what I want to do or was it for a reason on the sideline?

i still want to do it.

there would be days where it would be a bit more difficult due to circumstances.

but i hope they would understand.

Psalm 139:1-6

"O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down of stand up.
You know my every though when far away.
You chart the path ahead of me
and tell me where to stop and rest.
Every moment you know where I am.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
You both precede and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to know!"


indeed, i wait and long to know that path you have charted for me.

but at the same time i'm afraid that it may not be what i desire.

oh me of little faith.

did you not already know that Daddy would provide?

i do! i do!

but *sigh* do i really understand that fully?

Psalm 139:7-12

"I can never escape from your spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there.
If I ride the winds of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oveans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night -
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are both alike to you."


-bea-

there's something about fritzi *winkz*

it's 2.48am now. and i feel like writing down my thoughts and my feelings. what a time to feel like writing. pretty crazy. i wanted to sleep coz i'd be leaving for kl again in the morning but somehow that tugging feeling kept prompting me to put those stuff in my head down somewhere. easier typed than written. oh, what the heck!

have you ever watched a hedgehog fall asleep? even better than that, have you ever watched a hedgehog fall asleep right beside you, tugged in the side of your body? if you've seen it, you'd prolly think it was really adorable! i brought fritzi home with me to ipoh this holidays. i was playing with him as i would normally do once in a while. everything was just like normal. i may not be the best pet owner in the world, i may not have pampered him well enough. i may not have bonded really well with him, but today...today was different!

i was lazy to watch him as he ran around the house today so i decided to pick him along to the tv room as i lie there watching my show. no doubt, that guy tried to sniff his way around, walked on my belly, the cushion and everywhere else (within the reach of my hands of course!). until one point he got a lil tired (and i got a lil tired myself.. :p). he snuggled himself next to my waist with a lil bit of my shirt covering him. at times, he raised up his quils but as i was stroking him to sleep, his quils began to loosen down and he seemed pretty relaxed. as i peered down a lil, i saw that he was falling asleep! and then sometimes he would peer up a lil to sniff and see if it's still safe. and i would keep stroking it so that he would feel some sense of security there.

he looked so peaceful. he didn't have to care about a single thing in the world (besides having ppl invade his private lil space)! the experience today gave me a different kind of nice feeling. it was like a special connection sparked between fritzi and myself! it was a nice feeling of knowing your lil pet feels safe in your arms! it was like as though he knew who i was! the only thing i could feel from him was the heat from his body and his tiny lil heartbeats. it almost brought tears to my eyes...

many people kept asking me, "why a hedgehog? it's so prickly and it's not nice to cuddle or play with!" i never really knew the answer. i would alwiz tell them that i thought they were cute! but today, i realized one thing about having lil fritzi around...some people would never understand this feeling because they've never tried bonding with fritzi before. some people wouldn't even dare touch it. some even mock it and say it's ugly and horrible. it's the kind of joy where he knows who his friends are and can put his trust in them! it's a kind of contentment knowing that he doesn't raise his quils as high and hard as he used to! sometimes even looking at him run around looking so silly makes me laugh! and sometimes just seeing the way he sleeps so peacefully makes my heart calm. it's like as though he knows the meaning of his name and is living up to his name!! hahaha! (fritzi = peace, joy)

well...in more technical terms, what i'm trying to say is this... let's compare having a hedgehog as a pet and having those cuddly lil animals...say...hamsters (*note: hamsters were chosen with no sense of biasness but because of the fact that i have space limitations in where i live). if u would to have a hamster, u will not be able to see if the hamster knows who u are because a hamster will always figget and run around when you pick it up to your palm. u may be able to keep it for a good few years but at the end of its life, u still wouldn't know if the hamster actually liked u, or was comfortable with u or was just using u to stay alive! but a hedgehog is different! when you're first acquainted with it, it may seem pretty cold to you, and it may raise up its quils high and hard and give you angry hisses too! but slowly, once you become friends with it, it knows who you are and slowly it will lower its quils and begin to relax and trust you. it can even stay pretty quiet for the next couple of hours lying next to you! it will definately give you a kind of satisfaction that your pet knows you. i can tell you these from experience through the degree of hardness and highness of the raising of its quils (in other words...i just know la! :p)

i was reflecting on that connection fritzi and i had. it was like a relationship between me and Daddy. everytime when He catches hold of me, i try to run around, trying to find a place to escape or even trying to explore different things on my own. but Daddy has alwiz been watching me, catching me back, pulling me back whenever i fall, whenever i hit a dead end. and then He places me right next to Him again..near His heart, listening to His heartbeat. He patiently waits for me to get tired and stop so that i can rest under His wings. and when i finally do, it's really worth it! it is just like how the psalmist puts it in psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." now, i think i know how Daddy feels taking care of silly me. hehe. sometimes i really need to take a break and just place my trust in Him. sometimes i really need to take a break and just listen to His heartbeat. sometimes i really need to take a break to just hide under His wings. mayb i should stop escaping eh?


-bea-

are we giving God the glory we ought to?

*warning: post is SUPER long. not for the weak at heart but for those who likes challenges. post may also be confusing in the beginning or may not be tied up properly by the writer. writer is not a very talented writer.*


"why can't we give up something for Him, when He had given up His life for us?" -Dr. Ian Chai

and there was silence.


isn't it funny how we love to get good gifts from people and not give good gifts to people?

isn't it funny how we want people to care for us yet we are unwilling to spend a little time just to say "how are you?"?

isn't it funny when we expect people to sacrifice their time for us but just look the other way when someone needs us?

isn't it funny how we complain about how the food sucks to how bad an event was organized but yet failed to see how the hungry longed for our sucky food to how the organizers tried to please every complainer.

isn't it funny how we expect so much from God but yet we don't give as much to God?

isn't it funny how we want God to bless us with money and yet we cant treat a starving friend?

isn't it funny how we say "Lord, i want to do Your will" but when we don't like it, we make our own choices?

isn't it funny how we say "use me, Father" but run away and hide in the comforts of our rooms?

isn't it funny when we say we want to give God glory in everything and in anything we do, and still break the simplest of all rules in the country, states, organizations, universities, schools, and homes?


i feel frustrated and disturbed. more so, disappointed. with society and human selfishness. more so, with those that call themselves bringer of the Good News, christians. What Good News can one bring to a society when one does not live the life of the Good News? "i like your Jesus, but i don't like your christians", quoted by one of the noblest man ever to live on this earth, Mohandas Karamchand Ghandi. true isn't it? we always say we want to be like Jesus, but are we really trying? maybe we think we are, but in many times we have overlooked even the smallest things of it all. if we can't even obey the smallest commandment of God or follow the smallest footstep of Jesus, how can we be proud to say that we have obeyed the greatest commandment of all? how can we be proud to say that we are walking with Jesus day by day, side by side? hypocrisy. that's what we are.

our christian fellowship theme this year in my campus is "building up radical people! - BURP!" what does it really mean to be radicals? the definition from dictionary.com defines radical as:
rad·i·cal (rd-kl)
adj.

1. Arising from or going to a root or source; basic: proposed a radical solution to the problem.
2. Departing markedly from the usual or customary; extreme: radical opinions on education.
3. Favoring or effecting fundamental or revolutionary changes in current practices, conditions, or institutions: radical political views.
4. Linguistics. Of or being a root: a radical form.
5. Botany. Arising from the root or its crown: radical leaves.
6. Slang. Excellent; wonderful.

yes, radicals means to go back to the root. in fact it came from the word "root" itself (in greek i think). the root of how everything started. this year, we've had enough of the "activities" in cf. it's time we grew up and really get into the root of christianity. christianity is not just a mere religion. the best example to refer to as what christianity is all about is of course the root Himself, Jesus. He was a total radical. can you imagine it? He came into a society that was living under rules and regulations and tried to change it and change their mindsets so that they'd focus on our heavenly Father and society instead. the whole sermon on the mount (Matthew 5-7) shows how rad He was! amazing isn't it? and yet it is so hard for us to even obey those little things. He showed us the root of christianity itself. well, this is a whole topic by itself. maybe i'll talk about that another day.

the point of me bringing this radical part up is so we can look at the example of Jesus, to change our mindsets and our lifestyle to be different. the one thing that got my heart really frustrated, disturbed and disappointed was the fact of how we were portraying ourselves as christians with our compromising stands. where is our stand for Jesus? have we all been so numb that everything we do seems "okay" in this society we live in? we had some discussions in cf about co-habitation, piracy, smoking, drinking, gambling and clubbing and classroom ethiquette (attendance honesty) that day. it really made my heart feel so heavy. yes, although it may seem like they were grey areas that we were discussing about, but certain things are just not that grey afterall. some are clearly stated in the bible. we do not need to justify ourselves in what we do and make it seem like it is a grey area or it is "okay" to do it. in many cases, we may say we are not fully convicted, therefore we just do it or don't do it. i think if we needed conviction to do something or to not do something, the whole world will be living selfish lives and and we would be living a life that serves our own wants, desires and pleasures. what if Jesus needed to be convicted to die on the cross for us, and he wasn't convicted to do so? wasn't it the obedience that he portrayed back there at the garden of gethssemane? and sometimes we can be so proud to declare what we have done or have not done...because we were not convicted.

you know, what breaks my heart even more was what some leaders in the cf said during the discussions. the years of the older generation christians, trying to help the younger generation realize the importance of keeping our standards for Jesus is going down the drains. signing of attendance for our friends who doesn't attend class or asking our friends to sign for us when we don't attend class has become such a norm. this is a stand i hold very close to my heart. yes, some may say that everyone has a different pace of studying, so as long as they can manage it, it's okay. some may say that if it helps our friends (or ourselves), then what harm can there be? what happened to the glorifying God part? what happened to our responsibilities as a student to attend classes and learn? what happened to the "let me be a good testimony to my friends as a christian" part? what happened to the obedience part...?

this generation has lost its respect for the elders. why do i say so? i've been observing in many places. and sad to say, it's happening amongst cf members as well. yes, he may not have won some people's respect. he may think in a very different way than we do. he may be from a different generation. but that does not mean we should not respect him. i respect him tremendously! for all the things he has gone through. for all the differences he has tried to make in the university, for the impact he's left on the lives of people, for being brave enough to linger around, talk to, join the prayer of the religion of majority in our country! i can say boldly that no one, i reapeat, NO ONE from our cf or even campus would dare enter the prayer place every friday! although i cant really click with him, he has earned my every respect. if it was not for him, we wouldn't even have a cf. if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be able to get the cf room everyweek. it is so saddening that every time he speaks, we don't really listen. every time he speaks i hear whispers of "there he goes again". but wasn't he right? wasn't what he said right? i think by now, we all know who this person is. if it was not what he said that night, i think God's glory might have been compromised.

even as i blog this, i am speaking for myself as well. i'm ashamed to say that many a times i've failed to keep my stands strong. failed to glorify God in all i do. i'm guilty of many stands i've compromised. i'm guilty of many of the above stated issues we discussed on. sometimes it's hard to give it up. but can we at least try? can we at least be challenged to change our lifestly and turn around? i'm challenging all those who are reading my blog. even to myself. glorifying God is not only constrained to praising His name in public, or shouting "God is good!" in front of people. glorifying God also means we honour Him even behind closed doors, when no one is looking. glorifying God also means we abide by the rules and the authorities. glorifying God means we abide by traffic rules. glorifying God means we work with integrity. little little things, people do see it. even if it's not seen, we should be glorifying His name in EVERYTHING that we do. this is a challenge. dare u take it?

"why can't we give up something for Him, when He had given up His life for us?" -Dr. Ian Chai- and there was silence. need i say more?


-bea-

..::3 months and 11 days::..

i'm back.

but i feel kinda lost in my own blog.

have i lost the touch of even putting my own thoughts down into words?

my brains are gonna disappear into thin air if i don't start thinking again.

but i'm tired.

of thinking.

can i not think anymore?

i want to.

yet i don't want to.

i need to.


what was the purpose of this blog again?

i only want to use it to glorify Your name, Daddy.

to encourage the people who reads it.

and to place my thoughts of what i learn about life.

have i done that?

are You glorified?

have you been encouraged?

am i learning about life?

i've misused it for a bit.

i'm sorry.

be patient.

it'll come back.

slowly.

i'm still learning.

i still want to encourage.

i still want to glorify.


life.

it ain't easy.

but it's colourful.

indeed.

i love life.

yet i'm afraid of life.

complicated isn't it?

i bet you do feel the same about it.

don't you?

i am who i am today because of how life has shaped me.

i'm thankful.

to You, Daddy.

for the life You've given me.

it's not by coincidence.

for i'm fearfully and wonderfully made.


i'm quite a deep person.

in thoughts, in emotions.

sometimes i just don't show it.

forgive me if i seem quiet sometimes.

i'm just not good with words yet.

i don't know how to express it.

i guess that has affected me.

to be somewhat macho.

i still have my soft spots.

i'm still a lil uncomfortable.

to reveal all of them just yet.

so forgive me.

if i don't speak the right words.

or give the right touch.


inspired to inspire.

touched to touch.

encouraged to encourage.

loved to love.

fed to feed.

clothed to clothe.

given to give.

blessed to bless.


courage for a dream.

people that matters.

worthwhile relationships.

strengthening of the feet.

boldness for the streets.

humbling encounters.


scandalous grace.


-bea-

"i believe in you"

is that so hard to tell me that?? must the first sentence be of something negative and not something encouraging? all i needed you to tell me was just "i'll be praying with you and for you. i believe you can do it". but noooooooo. it had to be "we are very unhappy..." bah!

tell me, have i ever failed you? havent i proven to you that i've handled it well with all the responsibilities around me? i know my priorities and with that i still honoured Daddy with it. is it all that hard to let go and tell me that you have faith in me? that you'd support me in my interest? in my hopes and dreams? and especially support me in what i'm going thru and doing at this moment? i don't need you to tell me the obvious that i need to concentrate, that i'm a final year student, that it's gonna be difficult. don you think i already KNOW that??? i'm afraid too! but i dun mind going through the challenges. but all i needed to hear from you was just simple words! "I BELIEVE IN YOU!". i've never heard those words from you before... mayb that's because i've alwiz been the naughty one. heh.

you worry too much. you don't need to worry for me. i can worry for myself. in fact i'm not as worried as you are. what's there to when Daddy's alwiz been by my side?? havent He proven Himself time and time again that He is a gracious God? fine. if you dun haf enough faith in me, then at least haf faith in Daddy, that He will provide a way and that He's already laying the path for me! as you can see through the placement i've gotten and everything else that comes with it! what's there to worry? Daddy's already got His plans! heh. It's so much easier to please Daddy than to please humans.

you know what? whatever you've said, i'm still gonna just trust in Daddy! because you know why? i've seen His grace and blessings for me. i don't deserve it, but yet He gave it to me. that's how i know i'll be a survivor! not by my own strength but by His strength. i'm sorry you cant see that. maybe one day you would. hopefully. bah. enough of blabbering.

goodnite world!


-bea-

Peace?

a very good friend of mine sent this to me. It's taken from one of Rick Warren's book, "The Power to Change your Life".

-----------------------------------------------------------------
John 14:27 reminds us of how God's Peace is a gift; we do not need to earn it. His Peace does not depend on our circumstances, rather it is God-dependent.
There are 5 ways we can achieve this perfect Peace:


1. Principles - we need to follow God's principles found in His word: We obtain His peace when we are obedient to Him. (Ps 119: 165, 167)

2. Pardon - we need to accept God's forgiveness. (Micah 7:18). The no1 destroyer of peace is guilt. 1Jn 1:9 reminds us that if we repent and ask God for forgiveness, He'll pardon us.

3. Presence - try to focus on His presence instead of on our problems (always easier said than done but also always worth a try:)). Focussing on God helps because our solution is found in Him, whereas worrying about our problems doesn't change anything. Ps 46:1 says: God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of need, and Ps 46:10 reminds us to be still and know that He is God. Sometimes, in the midst of our business, we may feel very tired and burned out; and it is at this point that God may be trying to tell us to keep still for a while and let His Spirit fill us and refresh us once again.

4. Purpose - we need to trust that His ways are higher that ours, and that he knows the plans He has for our entire life. When things seem uncertain, we feel we're not in control anymore and it is at this point we need to remember that there is Someone who knows what's going on; and He knows it even better than us. We need to acknowledge that God is in control (Prov 3:5-6) and that He is the Master controlling what goes on in each and every one of us. Indecision often produces stress but when we trust in God, he makes our paths straight and not stressful.

5. Pray - peace is a gift from Him but we need to ask Him to give it to us. (Phil 4 :6-7). If you're not praying, you're more likely to be worrying. Therefore, when you feel pressure mounting up, don't panic - pray instead!


Finally, peace does not mean we are free from trouble, but it does mean that we can be calm in the midst of life's troubles.

---------------------------------------------------------------

more on my thoughts later...


-bea-

!~angels from heaven~!

*note: this post is especially dedicated to 2 angels sent from heaven who made my yesterday special.


the finer things in life, the little blessings along the way, are always overlooked by many. is it because the trouble or the problem overshadows it? i don't know. sometimes we get bogged down by just one darkspot in our lives that we don't see the blessings around it. sometimes we get caved in to our own world, we hardly manage to see the sunshine that's outside around it.

one of my sunshines are no doubt the friends around me. the many angels that Daddy has sent from heaven. although sometimes we may bicker and have our dark moments, these are also the angels that support, encourage and care for me in many special ways. precious friendships should not go to waste just because of little petty arguments. it's definately not worth it. if you think that the friendship is not worth the lost, then go do something about it.

i do admit, that sometimes my eyes become too small to see these little angels around me because of certain darkness in my life. sometimes, even, wanting to give up everything but later on realize that it's not worth it to give up everything. if everyone would to give up everything, no one would be around to enjoy the finer things in life, no one would be around to enjoy the blessings around.

yesterday, Daddy sent 2 very special angels that made my day special. the funniest and cutest couple of all~! my MUMMEE and my DADDEE~! (no no, not my birth parents :p) the whole of yesterday i wasn't feeling too good. i spent the whole day stoning and well...crying...i'm sure some noticed my swollen eyes. heh. there were just too many things happening at the same time during the most hectic, pressured, scary moments of the semester. it's like an attack from the devil or something. not only me, a few others are facing it too.

i really needed a break. i desperately wanted to get out of cyberjaya. wasn't in the right state of mind to go for the BBQ event. so i didn't go for it. didn't wanna spoil people's mood and put up a mask to meet new people. i just didn't wanna do that and be a hypocrite. my MUMMEE was so sweet~! she called me just to make sure that i'll be alrite eventhough she had like tonnes of work to do! and she called my DADDEE to ask him to take me out for dinner!! hahahaha! and so we did~! off to subang to look for MUMMEE~! on the way, DADDEE was so bad!! DADDEE bullied me.. tsk tsk tsk...but MUMMEE saved the day~!! i got treated at a reallllly nice restaurant...and u noe...i've never been treated such nice and expensive food before by anyone! (cept my parents la :p) it really made me feel so special! it made me laugh and smile so much and it made me forget wat happened during the day for a bit :) they are such funny people!!!

to that farnee couple, MUMMEE and DADDEE, thank you so so so soooo much for ur company. thank you so so so soooo much for the suspense and the laughter. thank you so so so soooo much for my first expensive treat~! \:D/ thank you so so so sooo much for your love and care! i love you guys~! erm..i mean...i love you girl and guy? :D :p *hugzzz*

to you that comforted me, to you that came to see me, to you that prayed with me and for me, thank you so much~!!! even during your busiest times, u still had a little time for me. i love you gurls~! *hugzzz*

and to you, i wont give up being your friend. i've never regretted. and i still think it's very much worth it. take all the time and space you need. remember, i'm not very far away. i still care if you allow me to. *hugzzz*


-bea-
p/s: there's a ladybug in my room~!!! so beautiful~!!

*scribbles in church* - 26/3/2006

heaviness...
what is this heaviness I feel?
the mind understands not what the heart feels.

You promised that my burdens will be taken away
You promised a bright tomorrow
i believed in You.

but why is there still that heaviness?
why is there doubt in me?
i don't understand, Lord.

are the earthquakes, wind, and fire too loud?
or am i just not listening hard enough?
what are You trying to tell me?

Lord, the metre is acting up
the temperature fluctuates between hot and cold
fix me.

why am i doing what i'm doing?
was it worth it? is it gonna be worth it?
refresh my memory, Lord.


-bea-

*proud*

*note: this post does no good to anyone. stop reading if u think u'd roll ur eyes.


my che che said that i write well~!!!!
wheee~!!! made my day (yesterday)!
thanks che! :D
actually i know i do. i'm just lazy..
muahahahahahahahaha....
perasantan!!
wat to do...i wanna live a positive life mar.
lalala~!


-bea-

why?

why bother bout the little bugs in our lives
when there's so much more happening in the world?
why keep complaining bout what we don't have
when so much has been given us?

why weep and mourn over one loss
when there's plenty more who loves?
why dwell in self-pity and drain ourselves dry
when we can water it with confidence and care?

why hold on
when there's no grip?
why not let go
when we can let God?

why do we say we trust
when we still live in doubt?
why do we say we'll surrender
when we're still trying to run?

why settle in mediocrity
when we can live in power?
why do what we can
when we can do what He can?

why look at our own mess and cry
when some has it worst than us?
why do we try to kill our lives
when some are fighting to keep theirs?


we were meant to live for so much more!
let's look around
we're really blessed
let's stop living for ourselves
and make a difference in the lives of others and ours!


-bea-

p/s: would continue but eyes are shutting down.

someone shoot me please...

Daddy, what is it You're trying to tell me? what is it You want me to do? sometimes i just wished You'd just tell me right in my face...scold me if You have to...slap me if You need to...dig out my heart and smash it into pieces so that i would not feel, so that i would not need to love, so that i would not hurt myself...i don't understand, Daddy. Why did You let it happen? Why is it that You've given and i've gone deep into it, then You take it away? i noe that You have the right to take it away because You are the one that gave. it's painful, Daddy. i'm still feeling the pain. i'm still not over it yet. i still cant let go and move on completely...it's not been long, yet i cant really get it off my mind, yet i cant let go and move on. mayb i'm just too stubborn. mayb i just don't want to let go and forget. mayb i'm still hoping for a better tomorrow? it's the kinda feeling where it's just pain plus numbness. it's like i don't know what to feel anymore. i don't believe i've really felt like this before. i don't know Daddy...it's hard...teach me how to rid this stubbornness plz?




















to you,
i don't know what u're REALLY thinking about. i'm just here when u need to talk. i'm here when you want to be yourself. i've always been. you know that too. i just hope you'd stop hurting yourself. i just hope you'd stop killing that beautiful person that's in you. i just hope you'd stop being who others think you are. you need to care bout yourself too. cant you be selfish and think bout yourself for a bit? it hurts me to see you hurting yourself. it hurts me to see you doing things you don't really wanna do. it hurts me to see you forcing yourself. it hurts me to see you struggling to forget. do you really need to? sometimes i really just wanna be selfish myself too. but it just seems wrong. i cant do it anymore. it would only hurt you more. it would only hurt me more. i cant seem to forget...u know u wont be able to forget either. not that way at least...not that way...


-bea-

p/s: are YOU done with me yet? plz say yesssss...plzzzz...a car at 160km/h would be good. or a 250km/h bullet would be good too. mayb an epidemic? or a free fly from 20,000 feet above sea level? come on...i cant be thaaaat lucky...sighz... (that suicidal feeling...heh.)

did you know...?

did you know that:

i'm a GIRL?

i've got EMOTIONS?

INTERNET EXPLORER can do this and this and this and this but not opera or mozzilla?

i'm CRAZY?

i'm sometimes NOT who u think i am?

confusing confusions confuses confusees/confusers?

i'm CONFUSED?

i DON'T know what i feel most of the time?

it actually still ACHES?

i STILL MISS the people i miss?

i DON'T like to be treated like a boy?

i DON'T like to be called a boy?

fritzi is NOT getting enough lovin?

i MISS home?

i'm a SCARED lil chicken shit?

i DON'T KNOW who "sepet;)" is? *13/3/06 2.50am edited: i know who liao!!! :D*

i DON'T KNOW what i'm talking here?


-bea-

:D

everyone in the house reading this shout out your name!! weehoo~! :D *sampartness* just wanna noe who's reading my blog... LOLZ





*edited: no one reads my blogggg!!! *pouts*


-bea-

.unknown.

i'm strong yet i'm weak. many people seem to think that i'm strong. i'm actually pretty weak. vulnerable is the word. fragile is the cousin. i hurt easily. i get disappointed easily. i get tired easily. words kill me like a double edged sword cutting through your chest. it's a shocker to many, i know. but hey! i'm human too.

many people admire my strength. be it physical strength, emotional strength, mental strength even spiritual strength. i don't know why people think like that. i don't know how i seem to be sending that kind of vibe. many people admire the stands that i make. even more when i'm able to hold on to my stands. what many people don't know is the struggle behind it. the repeated failures. how many times i've wanted to give up.

the one reason that's been keeping me sane and strong has been the BIG Guy up there! Daddy never fails to carry me up whenever i fall. no matter how many times i've failed Him, He doesn't give up on me as quickly as i do myself. i guess He's not done with me yet huh? all the strength people see in me, of how strong i am, it's really not me. i'm weak. but He that is within me is strong. what people saw of me is really actually Daddy. cant take credit for what is not me.

=============================================================
for the contemporary:

Isaiah 40:27-31 (The Message)

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,

or, whine, Israel, saying,

"GOD has lost track of me.

He doesn't care what happens to me"?

Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?

GOD doesn't come and go. God lasts.

He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.

He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.

And he knows everything, inside and out.

He energizes those who get tired,

gives fresh strength to dropouts.

For even young people tire and drop out,

young folk in their prime stumble and fall.

But those who wait upon GOD get fresh strength.

They spread their wings and soar like eagles,

They run and don't get tired,

they walk and don't lag behind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
for the not so contemporary:

Isaiah 40:27-31 (New King James Version)

Why do you say, O Jacob,
And speak, O Israel:

“My way is hidden from the LORD,
And my just claim is passed over by my God”?
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

=============================================================
if not for Daddy, i'd prolly have committed suicide many times. you can now use your right hand to push your jaws back up already. don't be too shocked bout this :) yes, i've always have suicidal thoughts ever since i was young. i think it started since i was in primary school. that feeling comes on and off. of course i don't get it all the time even when i'm feeling happy la. it only comes when certain bombs hit my life. i guess Daddy's been using my suicidal thoughts to make me a stronger person. sometimes, it might be me hiding behind a mask - a strong front but once my back is turned, once behind doors, i start to cry to Daddy.

i noe Daddy's doing something in my life :) i noe Daddy's been holding my hand. time and time again Daddy's been healing me. someone once told me, wounds can be healed but scars will not go away. Daddy can heal scars :) even scars on our hands and legs and wherever can be healed. scars of life can definately be healed! :) although some scars has not been healed completely, these scars helps me to see life in a different way, these scars reminds me of of the countless failures and with that try to be a better person, these scars reminds me of the good times, the happy times, the blessed times, the treasured moments of life with friends and family. yes, believe it or not, some of my scars are good scars :)

Daddy's also been helping me be as optimistic as i can be, think positive in every situation. some people may find it a lil corny. some say i'm bluffing myself. but no matter what people say, it wont stop me from being positive. because i've seen what being positive has done to me. it makes life more interesting and happy. the power of our mind can either kill us or build us. just for the record, i'm not trying to bluff myself for it makes me really happy to be positive and to complain less. mayb that's what it means by joy. even in times of sadness there's still joy and all.

i'll stop here for now. so long! heh. train of thoughts have been lost due to some interruption waves to the brains.


-bea-

...

closure needed...
plz?
then let's carry on with our lives...
as friends... :)
*post edited* (23/8/2006)

-bea-

..::scribbles::..

stupidity...

repeated mistakes...

jealousy...

pride...

selfishness...

anger...

hurt...

hurt-ed again...

heaviness...

guilt...

weak...

sinner...

i'm not perfect...

i'm sorry...

patience plz...

afraid...

freaked out...

scoldings...

cries...

hope...

love...

comfort...

touched...

realization...

"let not your heart be troubled"....

laying it down...

this is Yours...

God is the ALMIGHTY...

we impoverish His ministry the moment we forget He is Almighty...

cries...

look up! it CAN be done...

the well of incompleteness is deep, make effort, look away to Him...

Your will...

Your creation...

You deal with it...

i let my hands off...

trust...

faith...

cries out...

repentance...

forgiveness...

joy...

tears...

hugs...

love...

promises...

hugs...


-bea-

THANK YOU~!

wheeee~! happiness...no no...it's more than that...it's just so unexpressable!! no words could do it!! LOLZ!!! it's a moment of laughter and tears...a moment of joy and relieve. THANK YOU DADDY!!! i knew u were there all along!! i knew ur hand was in this!! thank YOU so much!!! *HARGZZZZZZZZZ*

i'm really glad that u finally talked to me again...i never would have thought it would be so soon. it surprised me...i can leap for joy rite now! and prolly my housemates will think that i'm crazy!! hahah!!

lolz...too happy until i dunno wat to say liao!!! ahhh...~!!! thank you my dear friend!!! though we may have gone through a lot...happy momments, sad momments...watever it is...i've alwayz treasured them! you've taught me a lot...you've meant a lot to me...but somehow something suddenly happened...don't know how...don't know why...don't know what... but who cares!! now we're back on talking termsssss~!!!! wheeee~! lalala~! ahhhh...thank you my dear friend...thank you most of all to Daddy!!! i guess the silence did something to us...and i'm happy to say that we're OKAY!!! mienz...i siao edi!!! i better stop...if not lagi siao! :D

thank you oso for u gurls and my DADDEE (:P) for supporting me and praying for me...love you people!!! (i think u noe what i'm talking about la :p)


-bea-

a dedication to all the great women in my life

*note: before you go on, do not read this literally like how u see it. read between the lines.


proverbs 31:10-31 (the message version)

:hymn to a good wife:

a good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
never spiteful, she treats him generously
all he life long.
she shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
she's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
she's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
she looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
first thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
she senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
she's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
she's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
she doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
she makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
she designs gowns and sells them
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
when she speaks she has something worthwhile to say
and she always says it kindly.
she keeps an eye on everyone in her household
and keeps them all busy and productive.
her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"many woman have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
the woman to be admired and prased
is the woman who lives in the fear-of-GOD.
give her everything she deserves!
festoon her life with praises!



mothers, wifes, women, ladies...*salute* they are REALLY all that! treasure them well for it is one of the best diamonds Daddy has given us all! *smilez*


-bea-

heh.

eh...i scored in psychology...told someone that day i scored in theatre...my bad :">
i think philosophy is so not me :p biology, journalism, art...all oso so high percentage wan..siao! and ANTHROPOLOGY???? 100%??? rite... lolz!

You scored as Psychology. You should be a Psychology major! Theater 100% Dance 100% Anthropology 100% Psychology 100% Philosophy 92% Sociology 92% Biology 83% Mathematics 75% Journalism 75% Art 75% Linguistics 67% Engineering 58% Chemistry 58% English 50% created with QuizFarm.com

-bea-

what matters most! *smilez*

i know, i know. the past few post was quite a downer. didn't want it that way. but well, shit happens doesn't it? :p and besides, it's my blogggg~! i can do nything i want with it! lalala~! wheee~!

i understand why it happened the way it happened. i understand why Daddy allowed it to happen. mayb He did it on purpose :p i don't know bout it. but i know He has a greater plan. Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans i have for you," says the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." i may not know Daddy's plans exactly, but i can already see that it will be good for me. heartaches may come, disappointments may come. painful as it is, life still goes on. painful as it is, character is built. someone once said, the pains that come with growing proves the healing process. it may be slow but at least it's healing :D

Daddy's been there. watching, calling. "i am all you need, dear", He keeps telling me. "hush a little, sit with me, i want just you. i've got the best hugss kept for you. i just want to love you. would you let me love you?" i understand now why He lets those things happen to me. i knew long time ago. but it was merely words in my ears. now, i truly understand :)i guess even though a few (including myself) has reminded me, it still didn't sink into me. i don't know why. disillusioned? ashamed? pride? guilt? maybe. i don't know. but all's good now :)i'm gonna focus on what matters most! on you Daddy! let us not be distracted for far too long ya?

to all u gurls (literally all u gurls reading my blog :D) whom i love very much, thank you for being there, supporting me, encouraging me, loving me. you gurls mean a lot to me. every single one of you has somehow or rather impacted my life and made a difference in it! most importantly, you gurls are precious and beautiful! don't let anyone else tell you otherwise :) *BIGhugz* getting a lil mushy here...but hey, cherish it. i can onli express this on writing :p too macho for it to come out from my mouth :p love you gurls!

to you, who cares a lot bout me, who worries bout me (esp when i don't eat :p), thank you :) don't worry no more. i'm getting better. i see a greater purpose ;) i hope u get better too! it wont be difficult when our central focus are alwiz on Daddy ;) i pray u'll be strong enough to be firm on your stands. *bearHUGZ* keeping you in my prayers :) love you!

to you who's still in the land of the sheeps (hopefully u're reading this:p), every memory, every moment, every conversation. it's kept close to my heart and it's been really precious to me. i hope u're doing well there. i hope one day u too will be able to see the bigger picture of what matters most. i pray one day u'll be back and running like how you used to be. i pray one day i'll be able to serve with you again. i know it's still somewhere deep down in your heart :) missing you terribly! love you! *HARGZ*

it wont be easy. but it will be great! thank you Daddy! and thank you lovely and precious people!


-bea-

*crushed*

numbness fills the heart.
closing up now.
closing up.

i guess it's true.
it'll all end up the same.
why would i think it would be any more different?

crushed...totally crushed.


-bea-

nah!

one of my favourite poems. one i keep close to me.

---------------------------------------------------------
A Woman's Question
by Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life-
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
You socks and shirt be whole;
I requier your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts-
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that His maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say, "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

--------------------------------------------------------
if u thought it was easy. think again!


-bea-

i'm NOT cheap!

what do u think i am?
some sweet little 10 cents candy?
cheaply bought, eaten and used for your own satisfaction
then disappear from the sight of your eyes?

i'm worth much more than that i tell you!
u think it was easy?
think again!
i'm sick of being used.
i'm sick of wasting my cares.
i'm sick of being a friend.
i'm sick of being taken for granted.
i'm sick of even loving anymore!

guess what?
i'm NOT cheap!
u think i simply love?
u think i simply care?
it's not that cheap.
i can take it all back.
like how u've taken it all back.

mayb it's just like what rach said...
"what's the point? it'll end up the same anyway"
i'll stop hoping.
i'll stop waiting.
i'm not gonna confront.
u want? u come.

life goes on...


-bea-

thank you *hugz*

Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Chorus:
CauseI’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to

..::lost::.. find me please?

*warning: not for the weak hearted. do not proceed if u have a weak heart. post may be a lil vulgar and disheartening. post may also be a lil confusing as it may go in and out of topics.


there's just too many things running around my mind right now. i've alwayz tried to sort it out properly. but they are just running too fast and i'm not able to catch them. need to exercise more in order to catch each and everyone of them and lay them down properly. there's just so many things happening the past few days! good stuff. bad stuff. EVERYTHING! i'm just all stoned and numbed. not sure what to feel edi. well, mayb it's true what they say, that girls are too emotional. my emotion graph have been changing too fast.

too many distractions. that's one. it just comes too fast. when you think your life will be going great, when u think that u've made a stand and done the right thing, something else just comes in the way and spoils it all. something else just makes your life spin like a washing machine. then when your life's done spinning, it stops and dries and dies off. that's me. sometimes i feel so dead that i just wanna stop living and leave the face of the earth. but i wont do that...cuse i'll be running away from it and i don't wanna run coz i still believe that Daddy is still by my side.

just a few days back during aya festival, i was really refreshed. there's still so much to be digested. i havent really digested everything in yet. i've been reminded again of why i wanted to be single (well, at least for now till i dunno when). i've been reminded again of what i've been called to do. i really want to do it all right again. time and time again i've been reminded of the same things but distractions doesn't seem to flee away from me. time and time again my soul has been bruised and cracked. i noe Daddy's building me, moulding me, preparing me but it's hard and painful. but during the aya festival, i've surrendered it to Daddy again. well, i've surrended it to Daddy like a million of times but this time, with Daddy's help, i'll make it! i'm gonna be a history maker in this land~! there' gonna be revival! in myself and in the CF and in MMU and in MAlAYSIA!!! would u believe that with me too?

despite the hype during aya festival and with delirious, i felt a lil lost the past few days. somewhere, somehow. i'm still finding myself, my identity. a lil slow i noe but it doesn't really matter. i remembered what pastor sandra said during one of the sessions. how can we find our identity and start emerging if we're still stuck in that pit? that pit has gone deep enough. it's time i get out of it, stand up and move on with finding my identity. i noe there's so much greatness that Daddy has in store for me. there's so much great things to be done and to show me. i cant let myself fall in again to distractions and all. but first i need to settle this lost feeling i have. i honestly do not noe what's it about. it's definately not direction. it's not about guys either. mayb it's just dryness...sieness and disappointments maybe..rise up bea, rise up! my identity...i'll find it, i will :)

pastor kenneth spoke today. Daddy really spoke to me and slam me hard today thru him. u noe, i've alwiz been envious of u. Daddy seems to have great favour on you all the time. He seems to be blessing you for so many things in your life. i'm happy for you. but at the same time i'm envious. i'm envious because He has great favour on u and not me. or mayb i just don't see it. mayb coz i've been so rotten that's why i dont have Daddy's favour. but you, me, wat's the difference? sighz. shadrach, meshach and abednego. furnace heated 7 times hotter than usual. 3 men bounded, 4 men walking. i noe that even as a christian, my life wont be perfect, my life wont be all rosy and nice. i noe that i'll be persecuted and stuff like that for Jesus. my life has never been perfect. so many times i've failed, ppl have failed. but it all builds character. Romans 5:1-5. the title for it in my bible says "peace and joy". i just realized this. the irony of it all is this... my name beatrice means bringer of joy, my name chu phing means the Lord's peace. fritzi's name means peace and joy too! and there was some other thing (forgot wat edi) which has connection with me that has the element of peace and joy too! just a lil discovery. anywayz, those verses really spoke to me...character...i noe Daddy's moulding and building me. although it's painful and hard. although i may face many accusations, i will persevere. i will get through all this shit.

just as i say this, shit continues to happen. and shit continues to pull me down. but i noe this...Daddy's with me...(3 men bounded, 4 men walking). sometimes u may think i do not care. i may seem far away. but has it ever occured to u that i'm afraid? has it ever occured to u that mayb i dont deserve such a great guy like u. mayb i'm not who u saw last time. i've changed. u might not like the new me. though u've said that there are some things in a person that will never change. i have. and i don't like some of it. u deserve a better girl. but still...i don't deserve your accusations. i don't deserve to be taunted. i don't deserve to be hurt like that. i noe i've hurt u, i noe i've been mean. but i don't really mean it. i'm not a very mean person u noe. mayb my intentions of not wanting it to get worst has actually made it worst. u accused me for not caring. i tried. but u pushed me away. i thought u had moved on. so i moved on too. then out of no where u suddenly wanna get on my good side again. u noe....we're both moving at a different pace. it's not easy. ah well...why am i saying this to u when u dont even noe the link to this place. bleh.

mayb i'm just a meanie ass. mayb i'm just like wat u gurls say - heartbreaker. sometimes i'm just so sick of accusations, it makes me feel so numb already. i'll wait. i'll wait till u're ready. then we'll talk it over aights? i'm tired already. tired of arguing with u. tired of having to be hurt everytime i see u. u just don't know how i feel. it's painful. i'm sure u want me to be happy right? u said it last time... i seriously don't know what has gone wrong. havent u noticed it's been gradually going down the hill? mayb not. mayb it's a good thing that this has happened huh? i don't noe... i really dont noe...but cant we talk like friends? cant we stop accusing each other? it's painful enough for me already. i don't wanna bring up the past. i don't intend to.

i'm trying to rise up. i'm trying to be a good girl, a good daughter, a good friend. i'm trying to grow, i'm trying to fulfill my dreams. i've got my dreams too u noe...i've got my own passions too. did u noe that? do u care enough to ask me? i'm sorry if i've failed as a friend, as a daughter, as a leader. i'm only human. but i'm trying. i'm trying to be a history maker. i noe with Daddy i can. i noe with Daddy (and u bunch of great friends), i am able to stand up again. i'm strong. i noe i am. not for the sake of being a macho girl but really...i am...don't worry too much bout me. i'll be fine :) thank you for being there *hugs* sorry for the long randoms. ah well, it's not as vulgar as i tot it would be :p it could have been. but i think i write too long until cool down edi.. lolzz. hope u've been encouraged in some ways by this randoms.


-bea-

..::left out::..

1 year, 7 months and 15 days later...:

i'm back!! i'm back!! lol! dunno why oso...mayb coz i felt left out. all me gurlfriends has a blog and still are updating it and i'm the only one without a blog!!! tak bolehhhhh! hmph! eh eh...forgot to tell u..this is a PRIVATE blog k? so erm...not many noes bout it...keep it a hush k? or else i'll have to stop it again and wait another 1 year, 7 months and 15 days... *pengsan*

i've always thought that writing in blogs are fine but writing a blog so tat people could read about u is kinda impersonal...what happened to all the intimate talks among friends? what happened to all those mamak talks of how-have-you-been?s? but i guess i'd have to surrender and say... sometimes i don't know how to express myself properly when i talk...or rather..sometimes what i wanna say is not expressed properly.. :D it's easier to put it down on words...so i guess putting it on words is kinda OKAY oso la...(i wanna be heard!! i wanna be heard!!) LOA sial...hahahaha...

don't really know what i'm gonna be posting up in here. but let's hope at the end of the day i'll still be sane and still be BEA...bzzz~! (go ahead..laugh all u want.. :-|) wont be posting stuff of what i did the whole day and stuff like that...will onli post when there's a need to post and when there's a need to be heard.. :p hopefully it'll be encouraging posts to u reading it...i guess it will be bout me...but not so much bout me oso la...hehehe..we'll see... would you walk this journey with me? lalala~! wheeee~!

till the next one... (fingers crossed..)


-bea-