I Once Was Lost But Now Am Found

Plato's allegory of the cave is a theme that is used over and over again in our media. It's probably even a theme in one of your favorite movies. That's true for me. The theme is used in Men in Black, The Matrix, Powder, The Truman Show and A Brave New World, among many others.

I have been thinking about what we do in our lives when we take our first steps out of the cave and gaze upon new realities for the first time. For some of us it is an enlightening experience and we yearn for more, and for others, it is unpleasant and undesirable. This is a little abstract so here are some examples.  In The Matrix, Neal is given the gift of seeing the true reality -humans living underground, hiding from computers because they are farmed for energy- and then is given the option of which reality he wants to live in. The blue pill or the red pill. One will lead him to the 'stark', 'dank' and 'miserable' but true reality and the other pill will return him to his 'comfortable', 'easier' perceived or living in the computer reality.

Here's another example. Will Smith's character (Jay) in Men in Black is shown the true reality. He sees aliens living amongst us humans on earth and is then given the option to return to the unaware reality of no aliens or to stay in the new reality and to work for the Men in Black.  His character spends the entire night on a park bench deliberating what to do. Jay wrestles with the two options: Do I live a life in ignorance, not knowing how things really are, or do I forsake my entire life, leave behind my family, friends, job, etc. to see things as they really are?

Both of these characters are faced with a life changing decision, each of which will come at a great cost. Living in the true reality comes at the cost of comfort, ease and maybe even the loss of some relationships, such as Jay's experience. On the other hand, living in the fake reality comes at the cost of not living in a real world, of seeing things as they really are. It is the cost of ignorance.

So, is this applicable to us? Are we faced with the decision of what reality we want to live in? I believe so. For us, our fake reality is not engaging in life. It's being passive. It's living a self-centered life. It's not engaging beyond our daily routines. It's living a life void of faith. In contrast, the true reality is God's reality. It's His knowledge, His vision, His realm.

So we have a decision. The white pill vs. dark pill. The world of selfishness vs. selflessness.

Both options come at a cost... I'll let you come up with what those are.

We like Jay or Neal are given glimpses of the true reality. As we hope and pray for things, we see things how they really are. We have visions, dreams, behold things with an eye of faith or experience profound love. However, these are just glimpses and they fade fast from our memories.

Unlike Jay and Neal we are forced everyday of our lives to choose whether or not to foster our vision of the true reality and make it the reality we live in. So, do we take the red or blue pill?  Do we chose to live in an ignorant state, perhaps because it is easier, or do we choose to see things as God sees them, by pushing ourselves and seeking that perception.

For us the choice is a bit more complex than simply swallowing a pill. Our choice is made by our actions to invite the Spirit into our lives. The more you live the gospel the more it changes how you view the world. It changes your perception of sin. It makes you more hopeful, it helps you develop an eye of faith. However, it does come at a cost. Choosing to live in this reality is emotionally and spiritually vexing. It requires you to put your heart on the line, to mourn with those that mourn and to love those that do not love you. It requires you to engage. It invariably results in disappointment and hurt in some occasions. It's not easy.

This is a dichotomy that exist not only in our spiritual lives but also in our relational lives...

So here's what sparked this train of though. The response of individuals, the community and the nation to the recent shooting in Newtown, Conn. has been somewhat of an enlightening moment for me. It's amazing to see the strength people receive to forgive, to love, and to mourn with those that are mourning. It is a glimpse of how things work in God's kingdom, of His goodness. But it has come at a cost. It has been a realization to me how things will continue to get worse before they get better. It has been a realization of the need that exists for good people in the world. The world needs people that will choose to engage and live in the harder, but true reality.

Today I choose the true reality over doing nothing and living as if the events that happened were just something that merely happened.  I choose to work for a sustained vision of how things really are, were and will be. I choose to fight for good and to help others that are still starring at the shadows on the cave wall.

Severed Connection

Two posts in one month, admittedly uncanny for this blog. That being said, YOLO. You might as well blog it up if you do in fact, only live once. I've noticed recently that when I have conversations about therapy I get really excited and I kind of go off into long rants. That's one reason why I blog I suppose, so people aren't forced into those conversations. Recently, I had a conversation about how I do therapy and what it entails.

I think therapy is about connection. When a person comes to me as a client what I am trying to do is connect with them. It seems like a simple concept, but you'd be surprised at the obstacles that I encounter in this process. I'll list a few...

1. Congruency. Some times people's content doesn't match their affect. In other words, people will say things that should evoke some sort of emotion, yet they don't exhibit any emotion at all. This could be for a variety of reasons. They may have completely disconnected from emotions all together (aka disassociated from the emotions), are too embarrassed or ashamed of the emotion so they attempt to hide the emotion that should coincide with the content,  or pretend to have overcome the emotions. There are a few others, but from what I've learned those are the big ones.

2. Shame. Some people are so ashamed that they have a hard time engaging with other people. Their thoughts are ridden with the belief that if they are known, they will not be good enough or lovable enough. Therefore, they must hide. People can hide in a variety of ways. One of which includes language. Paying attention to someone's language can tell you a lot about how they see themselves as a person.

3. Anxiety. Some people get so anxious at the idea of connecting with another person that they kind of wig out, especially the deeper you go into that person's psyche. Sitting through this anxiety can be difficult. They will talk and talk and talk. As a therapist I try to track what they're saying, but most of the time I am focused on whether or not I feel connected to them. Anxiety was especially damaging to my therapist-client connection when I was more inexperienced (although I probably am still quite inexperienced). All you have to do to understand why it is hard, is sit and talk with an anxious person. It rubs off on you.

4. Projection. Sometimes you as a person represent a certain type of person that has been hurtful to the client. This puts you in a hole from the beginning and hinders connecting with the client. They will assume you should act and react certain ways to the them. They do not allow for you to have an authentic response to them, because they have already formed their thoughts and beliefs about how you will respond. This can be a hard one for me to overcome because I am a male. Males, unfortunately, have been the perpetrators of abuse in far too many relationships. That being said, because I am a male, I can help people rewrite their beliefs about men.

Beyond obstacles of connection, there are things that I do to facilitate this bond with clients, and that is look for the positive. Everyone has something good about themselves, and if you spend the time looking for it, you can always find it. I believe you must connect on the negative just as much as the positive with people. Help them build themselves. That process can be extremely rewarding and can result in a strong connection.

Heart of the Matter

Well, you know its getting bad when you write a blog to avoid writing your thesis. Who in the world avoids writing by writing? That's just messed up. Anyway, time for my first published blog in quite some time.

Lately I've been thinking/studying a lot about the most important human organ, the heart. Although I would enjoy writing about the psychological/biological stuff I've learned recently about the heart (some new research is claiming that some decisions are actually made in the heart as opposed to our brains!) I will be writing about our emotional hearts, because they're much more interesting!

Have you ever been around someone that just makes you feel good? That phenomenon is interesting to me, and it is hard to explain. There are quite a few people in my life that when I'm around, I feel good, I feel more at peace, I feel free to be myself. Albeit hard to articulate how this feeling is, it is even harder to explain why it happens. What is it about being around this individual, this "uplifter" if you will, that allows you to feel this way?

I've been thinking about this because of my profession. Someone, a complete stranger, is supposed to spend 50 minutes with me a week and somehow feel better about themselves and their situations. That seems like quite the daunting task, but from my short time as a therapist I believe I've learned a few things about this process and how it takes place. And it is a matter of the heart... I believe this phenomenon that I speak of is the result of authentic connection. It is the "interwinement" of heart and mind and it provides a safe place to be yourself without being on guard or filtering of yourself. It sounds easy, but that "intertwining" of hearts and minds requires an open heart, and that is the hard part.

The first obstacle in having an open heart is feeling safe. Ingrid Michaelson's "Breakable" eloquently stated this when she said "and we are so fragile.. and we are just breakable, breakable, breakable boys and girls..." It is my core belief about us, as humans, that we want to belong, and we want to be accepted. Nothing will more quickly close our hearts than a perceived judgment of ourselves. Why would we let someone in if we think they are making negative value judgment of us? Thus, people that tend to have this uplifting quality do not come across as judgmental.

 The second obstacle is understanding ourselves and being emotionally aware. People will often experience anxiety when someone tries to authentically connect with them. This is because most of us, if not all of us, have had experiences that have taught us that being authentic is bad or not appreciated by others. We then develop shame. There is something bad about us. So, when someone tries to connect with another, they will usually experience some type of anxiety. Thus, people who are these so called "uplifters" are usually skilled with not responding to others' anxiety. They can sit with and through others' uncomfortable feelings of shame, anxiety, embarrassment and do so without expressing a negative judgment. "Uplifters" aren't emotionally detached from their emotions or the emotional ambient, but they can experience the emotion with the other. This is a special experience. It is the experience of togetherness. Life is a lot easier when someone understands what you are going through. Life is easier when you're not on your own.

What being an "uplifter" is not. Being an "uplifter" is not expressing empty platitudes and compliments. I've often seen people try to be an "uplifter" by trying to express kind words towards a person that is experiencing embarrassment, shame or uncomfortable feelings. In fact, doing this might be the opposite of being an "uplifter." I say that because people often resort to this strategy when they see another suffering. They do it not for the other's sake, but their own. It's uncomfortable to witness another person suffering, and often times they want to rescue the other person from their undesirable feelings. Thus, they attempt to rescue them by saying "you're so beautiful, you're such a good person, things will get better, etc.." I've hardly seen these things help someone in a difficult situation. They also act as a guard from the person authentically connecting with the suffering person.

I don't see being an "uplifter" as a job or part of being a therapist. It's something that hopefully all parents can do. Every child deserves to have that secure base in a parent to explore and find themselves. It's also something that hopefully every church leader has, as they help others along the path. Developing these talents isn't easy though, and by no means do I believe I have mastered them, but it's something to think about.

there's no crying in baseball...



there's no crying in baseball or in any other facet of your life, that's if you're a man, right? why the heck is this the case in our society today? it saddens me to see the results of this mentality in relationships.

so, from my experience this is what happens. family Doe is comprised of man and woman. x event happens. woman is hurt. woman expresses it. man is hurt as well. man doesn't know how to express his pain. consequently, man shuts down. woman thinks man doesn't care. woman is hurt by man. woman pursues man. man withdraws. women thinks man doesn't care. :(

contrary to my gender's belief about emotions, sometimes the way to resolve emotionally potent experiences is just to feel the emotion. i'm not saying you let the emotions override other facets of your life, but acknowledging the emotion and allowing yourself to feel it is how you "fix" them.

i know that for a lot of men emotions are scary. in a lot of cases emotions make them question how well they fulfill their roles as provider, protector and so forth. thus, it becomes easier to ignore your feelings and those of others. this just isn't the way to handle them. it will push people away.

i hate it when people do this, but maybe if you are reading this you can direct me to the proper source. i feel like i've heard from a seventy that the greatest thing Joseph Smith learned from the first vision wasn't that God had a body or that the traditional godhead doctrine was false, but that God loves and continues to love His children on earth. i like this. i like it because it conveys the idea that God continues to be love and to emanate love. and to me, that makes all the difference in my life.

i close by saying quoting President Monson (Finding Joy in the Journey, Oct 2008).

"Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.”3 We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.

Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed."

I add that we ought to love those around us enough to share with them all of our feelings

Conflicting Messages

I need to write this. Emotionally healthy people can feel opposite emotions at the same time. Angry and hurt, sad and happy, love and hate. This may or may not be a shocker to you. If it is something new to you, I'd invite you to spend time thinking about it. Think about the last time you were angry, think about why you were. I'd be willing to bet it was because someone meaningful to you did something that caused you pain, which lead to being hurt.

I've been thinking about how this applies to our spiritual growth. We are to become like God. We know that God is love. I can't help but think about the Savior on the cross and in the Garden of Gethsemane. We know that He experienced excruciating psychological and emotional pain that caused great hurt. However, it was His love for us that helped Him supersede His circumstances.

I think it is very much the same for us. We all experience pain in our lives. People who should not hurt us, hurt us. People who should be there for us, neglect us. People who should remember us, forget us. People who should be honest to us, lie to us. People who should respect us, disrespect us. It is impossible to catalog the numerous amounts of ways that we can be hurt by those whom ought to know better.

Most likely if this pain comes from our spouses, siblings, parents, friends and children, the pain is hard to escape. Much of our deep soul causing pains never really leave us. For many, this pain is too much to bare. Physical distance, as much as psychological distance is created to numb the pain, but it still resides in our souls.

What are we to do then? Do as the Savior, let His love supersede our pain. Loving those whom have wronged us is perhaps the most difficult thing to do. But it is the only thing that lifts us above the depths of despair and self-loathing.

I think its interesting that the Savior still has marks in His hands and feet. The pain He experienced is still a part of Him. We do not necessarily need to suppress our feelings of hurt or deny them. It's okay to be angry, sad, mad and hurt. Drawing closer to the Savior will allow us grow in love, and those feelings will no longer be at the forefront of our minds.

DTR

Part of a talk I gave in church.

In a general sense, our journey here on earth serves as an archetype for our relationship with God. Each one of us is born on earth to an earthly family in a state of complete dependency as a baby. We are completely dependent upon others for our physical, mental and spiritual welfare. This state of utter dependence highlights our own capacities, or lack thereof, to survive. Luckily for us however, we have people in our lives that naturally love us, not because we love them, but because we are their children. As children we owe everything to these people, they have given us life, they sustain our lives, we look to them for knowledge, we go to them for solace in times of need. They give us a sense of belonging and understanding of who we are.

Over the course of time we begin to be more autonomous, for our earthly parents do not want us to be utterly dependent upon them. For example we learn how to crawl and walk. Just as our physical capacities develop, so do our spiritual and mental. We learn that we are our own entity, thus we have our own thoughts, we learn how to articulate these thoughts via speaking, we develop desires, dreams, and wants. Our parents largely influence these thoughts and help us develop them so that they can flourish.

Then we arrive at a point that I believe many of us are at now. We are emerging adults. It is at this time our relationships with our parents are dramatically changing. We are becoming interdependent, as opposed to dependent or co-dependent in every way possible: psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. We no longer see them as we did as children. They have taught us the principles and doctrines of life, and how to live and flourish and we are applying them in our lives according to our circumstances. Hopefully the dynamics of the relationships between us and our parents have changed as well. The idea of love is now reciprocal. Our parents love us and we love them in return. We have each made the conscious decision to love and to do things for one another. Although we maintain respect and reverence for our parents, for the mere fact that they are our parents, we also begin to see them as equals or friends.

Now speaking in regards to our spiritual lives. We are born into this world having a veil over our eyes and understanding of who we are and who God is. Thankfully for us we have someone who fills the role of parent, much like our earthly parents, but in a perfect manner. In 1 John 4:19 we learn that He loves us, but not because we loved Him first. In Acts 17:28 we learn that we are God’s children. Over the course of time we develop spiritual legs to move about, we develop spiritual eyes to see and to discern the things God sees, we develop ears to listen the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, we develop the capacity to feel and to recognize the Holy Ghost, we develop spiritual thoughts and desires.

I want to be careful here. I am not suggesting that our relationship with Heavenly Father exactly mirrors that of ours with our earthly parents. He is our God. We will always be dependent of His love and mercy. However, I believe there are some similarities. They are highlighted by a scripture in John 15: 13-15 “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard my Father I have made known unto you.”

I love this scripture, it has made all the difference in my relationship with Heavenly Father. I suspect, because of the nature of our life situations, that we are at a point in our lives where we are making pivotal decisions in our relationships with Heavenly Father. For us, especially those that are endowed, He has made known unto us the ordinances, principles and doctrines that we need to know in order to return to His presence. According to the scripture in John, we are no longer his servants, but His friends. And we are in the very act of deciding what kind of friends we will be.

This idea of becoming friends with the Lord is mentioned more than once. In doctrine and covenants we learn that the Lord repeated this same admonition to the saints. D&C section 84 contains the oath and the covenant and is instruction to those that are going to serve the Lord, as His representatives. It reads: “And as I said unto mine apostles, even so I say unto you, for you are mine apostles, even God’s high priests; ye are they whom my Father hath given me; ye are my friends;” verse 77 reads: “And again I say unto you, my friends, for from henceforth I shall call you friends, it is expedient that I give unto you this commandment, that ye become even as my friends in days when I was with them, traveling to preach the gospel in my power;” In section 93 we read: “ Verily, I say unto my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., or in other words, I call you friends, for you are my friends, and ye shall have an inheritance with me.”

I like to think I have a lot of friends and that I am a good friend. I also like to think that God is my friend.

hey that hurts!

this past week I was reminded of something I had read in a book about a year ago, and I was surprised to learn I hadn't written it down anywhere. last winter semester I was in a cognitive neuroscience class that required us to read a book about phantom limbs, limbs that have been severed from one's body. even though these people are missing limbs, many of them still feel the limb. for example one might feel that their missing arm is itching or in pain. this can be an excruciating experience given that they cannot do anything to ease the suffering.

example of what I'm talking about: http://pann.nate.com/video/212461511

the book gives several theories as to why something like this would happen. one that is very briefly fleshed out explains that we often think our brains are limited to our body's experience, but this isn't necessarily true. there are several different simple experiments you can do to trick your brain into thinking any innanate object is an extension of your body. (given that its been a year I'm a little bit hazy about these details.) for example you can place one of your hands on top of a table and the other directly underneath it. have a second person gently caress the top of your hand above the table. after a minute or so remove the hand on top of the table as the second person continues to make the same caressing motions, but on the surface of the table. after a minute or so remove the second hand from underneath the table as the second person continues to do the same motion. if done correctly, when the second hand is removed you should/could feel the carassing that is being done to the table.

i did this experiment once and felt like it "kind of worked". the author of the book explained how they did this to someone in one of their labs and then brought in a person with a hammer and with it, acted as if he was going to pound the table. the subject of the experiment wigged out, he thought the guy was going to hit his hand! whether or not this actually works it creates some interesting ideas. despite the fact that the object isn't directly connected to the brain via neuron pathways the brain has designated a portion of itself to feel for the object as if it were.

i wonder if this is connected to the Atonement. how did and is Christ able to vicariously experience our pain and suffering (and joys)? becoming one with the Savior is an interesting idea.

we know that we as humans do not use our brains to their fullest capacity, could it be that our brain isn't used to its fullest capacity because its not all for us? it's not for our experience, but to process and feel the experiences for those around us?

i really like the idea that our experience is not limited to our bodies. for any of those interested about this concept i'd recommend reading "Johnathon Livingston Seagull" by Richard Bach. it's a short, but great book.