Big Ash and Lil Ash: Twinsies

It is not every day that you meet someone who is like your twin but not related to you in any way. Some people may never even have the opportunity to meet someone who reminds them so much of themselves. Well I am here to tell you that I, Big Ash, have met myself....but in the form of someone named Meaghan. Well, technically I met her a long time ago, but I have just recently started to notice all the similarities between us. So let me tell you a bit about Meaghan (aka Lil Ash): she is awesome. She is kind, intelligent, funny, athletic, and just altogether super amazing. Now I am not necessarily all, or any, of those things, but she just reminds me of myself in the way she acts and the way she thinks. That is probably why I am so fond of her. It's like being friends with myself. And what could be better than that?! So to wrap this all up, I love having Lil Ash as my friend! Please see her blog for more information on how cool she is: http://iam-meaghan.blogspot.com/

Cats

I have recently semi-acquired a cat in my life. Her name is Stickers and she is actually pretty cute (for a cat). I love all mammals and I would never want to see any harm come to an animal…but I really do not like cats. Not only am I allergic to them, but I do not like their personalities and their sense of entitlement. Stickers and I are currently in a power-play. I am trying to assert my authority by teaching her to stay the &%$# out of my bedroom. We are constantly at war with each other. I don’t understand cats and I don’t know how to handle them. I am a dog person. In fact, I like dogs more than humans. So even though I am sure nobody cares, I wanted to outline why dogs are better than cats (and when I say dogs I mean real dogs, not lap dogs): 1. Dogs can be taught to do really cool tricks. Although cats can be taught to do a couple things, they are either too stupid to learn most things or they pretend to be stupid so they don’t have to do your bidding. Have you ever seen a cat shake hands or high five? I didn’t think so. 2. Dogs are fun. You can play with them, swim with them, take them on hikes, take them camping, go on walks, etc. Cats are fun too….if you like to lay around all day and stare at people. 3. Dogs protect you. If someone tried to rob your house, your dog would bark and go after the intruder. A cat would watch the intruder from their perch on your sofa whilst licking their butt. As long as the robber does no interrupt the licking, they could care less what happens to your belongings. 4. If you drop food on the floor, dogs eat it. Cats don’t even acknowledge the existence of the food and the food will lay there for days until you finally decide to clean it up. I just vacuumed up some chips that fell on the floor four days ago. This is the first time in my life that I have had to pick food up off the floor. 5. As long as dogs are taught properly, they tend to stay off the furniture. Cats don’t care. They climb on your bed, your sink, your washing machine, and worst of all….your kitchen counters and kitchen table. There is nothing more disgusting than seeing a cat lay on your kitchen table, licking its yoohoo. I eat all my meals standing at the counter now. 6. When you come home, your dog greets you and is happy to see you. The cat just stares at you thinking “why has this human entered my kingdom?” 7. Cats in heat are the most disgusting thing I have ever beheld. There is a reason why “Cats” is literally the worst play to ever hit Broadway. 8. Remember that video that was posted a few weeks ago about that little boy being attacked by a dog, and his cat rescued him and went after the dog? Well, everyone was talking about it because it was so shocking that a cat actually did something useful! 9. I don’t trust cats. They get this look in their eyes like they are going to attack you at any second if you make the wrong move. I am constantly on edge around them. 10.Dogs love unconditionally. Cats are just out for what they can get (which is your soul, your home, and all your money) I know some of you may love cats and are probably super offended right now by all the cat bashing I just did. You are probably reading this while your cat is possessively sitting on your keyboard (who am I kidding? No one even reads this blog!). But I confess that even after all this hateful cat talk, I have actually grown quite fond of Stickers. I even let her take a nap by me yesterday and she looked so cute with her paws all tucked in under her chest. What is happening to me?! Look at how cute she is: I like her best when she is asleep: Dogs are better:

All My Single Ladies

I’m 28. I am single. I’ve never been engaged or married, and I constantly have people asking me “So how come you’re not married?” To me this is the dumbest, most ignorant and insulting question anyone could possibly ask. What kind of an answer do people expect to get when they ask something like that? “Oh, I just love living the life of celibacy!” or “I prefer to live my life completely and utterly alone.” Or “I hate feeling unconditionally loved.” Or in the words of Nacho Libre: “My life is good. Reallllllly good! I get to sleep alone in my bed every night for the rest of my life. It's FANTASTIC!" Next time someone asks me this question, I am going to spew forth sarcasm (and obscenities) the likes of which have never been heard before. When people talk about singles that are over the age of 25 and not married, they always think there must be something wrong with them, otherwise they would be married (right?!)! I need not point out that just because someone is married does not mean they are perfect (ex: Ozzy Osbourne). I am not married, and I think I am freaking amazing. So are all of my single friends. If they weren’t amazing, I wouldn’t be friends with them. I would avoid them like an STD. I have lived my 20s with the mindset that I will probably never get married (I do this mainly as a defense mechanism, but also because I am trying to be realistic and practical), and have tried to live this last decade by making decisions as if I will be single forever. Recently I was throwing around the idea of buying a house and someone said to me “Are you sure you want to do that? What if you get married and have to sell?” I have made the choice not to ever think like that. I make choices based on what I feel is right and what makes logical sense; not based on “What if I get married?!” Too many opportunities will pass me by if I am living life thinking “what if….?” Would I be lying if I said I love planning meals for one? Yes. Is it sometimes depressing to think I may grow old all by myself? Yes. But I choose to not dwell on that. I choose to spend my money on myself all day, every day! I choose to travel to Europe and visit friends in other parts of the country! I choose to go wherever I want, whenever I want! But when (and my pessimistic self makes me also write, “or if”) the time comes when I do get married, I will choose to be happy and not jealous of my single friends. For I have lived that life, and I know that there is a time for every season (or however that saying goes…..). And I will NEVER (and I mean NEVER!!!) ask single people “So how come you’re not married?” P.S. Does anyone even read blogs anymore? Or am I just sending this out there in to the black hole known as the world wide web?

How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying

Climbing the corporate ladder can be an arduous and daunting task. Some people climb to success by back-stabbing or lying, but I prefer to use a simpler method: making a fool of myself. My boss’ boss (whom I will refer to as The BB) comes to town every couple of weeks and has stopped me in the hall a few times to tell me how awesome I am (duh). Unfortunately, whenever I speak with The BB I get really nervous and intimidated. Which means that I end up saying the dumbest things ever. It is like an out-of-body experience. I begin to speak in tongues and have no control over what comes out of my mouth. But let me digress a bit here: My desk at work is right next to a bathroom. This bathroom is always so shockingly dirty that one would think they are in a bathroom at a run-down train station. It always smells like a French sewer, and in the last three weeks I have gone in to a stall four different times that did not have toilet paper. Thankfully, I have unusually long arms and was able to reach in to the stall next to mine and grab some TP. Crisis averted. So even though this bathroom is literally five steps away from my desk, I choose to walk downstairs and use the tinier, better-smelling bathroom. I like to tell people that this gives me an opportunity to stretch my legs. The other day I was in the good-smelling bathroom when someone walked in to the stall next to me. With an exasperated sigh, this woman asked if I could pass her some toilet paper because her stall was out, and immediately I recognized the voice….it was The BB! I became slightly nervous, but I happily obliged. I empathized with her. I had been a victim of this outrageous lack of TP too many times in the recent weeks. When we got out of the stalls and started washing our hands, we began expressing our frustration with the bathroom situation. It turns out, we are both repulsed by the upstairs bathroom and both like to “stretch our legs” and go to the downstairs one. After I rambled on for an inordinate amount of time about how much I hate the bathrooms, I said (and I quote): “I always come down to this bathroom because it smells like cinnamon. Well….it doesn’t smell like cinnamon right now……but it usually does!” WHAT?!?!?! Why?? Why would I say something like that to The BB? She looked at me as if she was seeing me for the first time. I inwardly reprimanded myself and began to slowly back away. I haven’t seen her since, but something tells me I am going to get a raise and a big promotion soon.

Bathroom Snacks

I have been receiving a lot of emails from people begging me to update my blog, so I decided it was finally time to appease my many fans (this is where I give a shout-out to Fern, because in reality, she is the only one who emailed me). The trouble is, I just haven't had anything funny or interesting to write about lately. Being an adult is soooo boring sometimes. I mean, I could do another post about cardigans and how I love this winter weather because I can wear my winter cardigans and they keep me so warm and they are such great accessories and everything......But this is old news.

Lucky for you, something happened today and I knew right away that it was blog material.

Today at work, I went to the bathroom. I always go to the handicap stall because it is so roomy and no one can see through the cracks of this particular stall. As I walked in to my favorite stall, I noticed something that disturbed me. Peeking out of the "feminine napkin" disposal was a Snickers wrapper. I did a double-take because I never expected to see such a surprise there. The only thought that ran through my head was "Why in the world would a grown woman be eating a Snickers while on the pot??" I have literally been thinking about this all day. And also picturing it. How could a woman properly enjoy such a delicious treat with so many other smells bombarding her senses? I don't get it.

The Mystery of the Missing Cardigan

This last Friday a true fashion tragedy occurred in my life. I can only talk about it now without getting too emotional only because the tragedy turned out to be not so...tragedous. I don't even think that is a word, but it is today for the sole purpose of entertaining you all. Anyway, at work on Friday, we had to wear black and teal. Don't ask me why. I guess so we all matched and looked nice. So I was wearing a lovely teal cardigan with a top that also had teal in it with black dress pants. My coworker Lis (also a cardigan lover) was wearing a black cardigan that I took one look at and began to covet most viciously for in my heart. I wanted that cardigan. So as she was wearing all black (she didn't have any teal colored clothing), I devised a brilliant scheme that would require us to switch cardigans for the day, so that she could have some teal in her outfit. I am always thinking of others' needs. So we switched. Unfortunately, my cardigan made Lis too warm and my cardigan spent most of the day on the counter next to her. Which is where I swear it was after she had already left for the day. So about an hour before we closed that night, I remember looking at the counter and wondering who moved my cardigan, but was too busy to go looking for it. So once we closed I started asking my coworkers if they had seen it. They all said no. I started to get a little panicky. And since my coworkers know how important my cardigans are to me, they so kindly initiated a search for it; checking drawers, checking our break room, and any other place it could be hiding. I knew Lis hadn't taken it home, so I was disturbed by the thought that one of my coworkers would steal my cardigan. I mean, who in the world would ever steal someone else's cardigan?! I know of no such person (other than myself, that is; earlier in the day I planned on taking Lis' cardigan home and never giving it back to her). So everyone searched and it was getting late, so I thanked them all for their kindness and called off the search. I walked out of work thinking that my cardigan was all alone in the world, lost and afraid. I met up with my friends for dinner, but with a heavy heart. All I could think about was my missing cardigan. But I put a smile on my face, acted like nothing was wrong, and enjoyed the night as best I could considering the circumstance. The next morning I received two text messages from different coworkers telling me that Lis had in fact taken the cardigan home and washed it for me. The mystery was solved and my cardigan was safe in Lis' hands! I was so relieved! And now I am literally shocked that I just wrote this much about my cardigan.

The Truths and Lies About Big Ash

Let me go back in time about two years ago:

I was on a date (don't act so shocked) with a guy who has since been married. We had gone to a comedy club and then headed to get some ice cream after. On the way to ice cream, we were stopped at a red light at a busy intersection. It was around 9pm. I looked to my right at the sidewalk next to us, and to my dismay saw a large dog all alone and wandering dangerously close to the road. I let out a gasp of panic and asked if we could pull over to get the dog. I am prone to this kind of animal rescue (please refer to my post entitled "Thelma & Louise" for more information), and many people may find me crazy for wanting to pick up stray animals and put them in my car (or my date's car, in this case). But hey, it is just what I do. So anyway, like I said, I asked if we could pull over and my date looked at me like I was a freak, and said no and drove on through the green light. I was kind of shocked. And afraid for that dog. In my head I thought "there is no way this is gonna work out. I could never be with a guy who wouldn't rescue a dog." But I didn't let him know that I thought he was a heartless jack*&%. I mean, even if he didn't care about animals, dating is about lying to each other and pretending we care about each other and acting nicer than we normally would, so you would think that he would try and be extra sweet to me and pick up the dog! But we finished the remainder of our date, and it was fine except for the gnawing anxiety about the dog in the back of my head. And needless to say, that was our first and only date.

So let's get back to present day 2011. Last week my eldest brother told me he heard something about me from a man I have never heard of in my life. He said that I had gone on a date with some guy, saw a dog on the side of the road, asked if we could pick the dog up, and after my date said no, I told him to take me home. My brother then accused me of being a crazy fool and I am sure that in his head he was thinking, "now I know why Ashley is not married...."

I was shocked that such a story was circulating about me after TWO YEARS, and was told to my brother by someone I have never met. And I began wondering what other stories are floating around about me.....

Well I did some research and found two possible connections to this man, and I decided that it had to be Breba who was spreading lies about me. So I confronted her about it, and she said it wasn't her. So my next guess is my hero and mentor Shelly Rowlan. But I have yet to ask her about her betrayal. But I just wanted you all to know the truth about this event, so that if you are confronted with any type of falsehood about me, you will stop and think about this blog, and the truth shall set you free!!!!