Bathroom Snacks

I have been receiving a lot of emails from people begging me to update my blog, so I decided it was finally time to appease my many fans (this is where I give a shout-out to Fern, because in reality, she is the only one who emailed me). The trouble is, I just haven't had anything funny or interesting to write about lately. Being an adult is soooo boring sometimes. I mean, I could do another post about cardigans and how I love this winter weather because I can wear my winter cardigans and they keep me so warm and they are such great accessories and everything......But this is old news.

Lucky for you, something happened today and I knew right away that it was blog material.

Today at work, I went to the bathroom. I always go to the handicap stall because it is so roomy and no one can see through the cracks of this particular stall. As I walked in to my favorite stall, I noticed something that disturbed me. Peeking out of the "feminine napkin" disposal was a Snickers wrapper. I did a double-take because I never expected to see such a surprise there. The only thought that ran through my head was "Why in the world would a grown woman be eating a Snickers while on the pot??" I have literally been thinking about this all day. And also picturing it. How could a woman properly enjoy such a delicious treat with so many other smells bombarding her senses? I don't get it.

The Mystery of the Missing Cardigan

This last Friday a true fashion tragedy occurred in my life. I can only talk about it now without getting too emotional only because the tragedy turned out to be not so...tragedous. I don't even think that is a word, but it is today for the sole purpose of entertaining you all. Anyway, at work on Friday, we had to wear black and teal. Don't ask me why. I guess so we all matched and looked nice. So I was wearing a lovely teal cardigan with a top that also had teal in it with black dress pants. My coworker Lis (also a cardigan lover) was wearing a black cardigan that I took one look at and began to covet most viciously for in my heart. I wanted that cardigan. So as she was wearing all black (she didn't have any teal colored clothing), I devised a brilliant scheme that would require us to switch cardigans for the day, so that she could have some teal in her outfit. I am always thinking of others' needs. So we switched. Unfortunately, my cardigan made Lis too warm and my cardigan spent most of the day on the counter next to her. Which is where I swear it was after she had already left for the day. So about an hour before we closed that night, I remember looking at the counter and wondering who moved my cardigan, but was too busy to go looking for it. So once we closed I started asking my coworkers if they had seen it. They all said no. I started to get a little panicky. And since my coworkers know how important my cardigans are to me, they so kindly initiated a search for it; checking drawers, checking our break room, and any other place it could be hiding. I knew Lis hadn't taken it home, so I was disturbed by the thought that one of my coworkers would steal my cardigan. I mean, who in the world would ever steal someone else's cardigan?! I know of no such person (other than myself, that is; earlier in the day I planned on taking Lis' cardigan home and never giving it back to her). So everyone searched and it was getting late, so I thanked them all for their kindness and called off the search. I walked out of work thinking that my cardigan was all alone in the world, lost and afraid. I met up with my friends for dinner, but with a heavy heart. All I could think about was my missing cardigan. But I put a smile on my face, acted like nothing was wrong, and enjoyed the night as best I could considering the circumstance. The next morning I received two text messages from different coworkers telling me that Lis had in fact taken the cardigan home and washed it for me. The mystery was solved and my cardigan was safe in Lis' hands! I was so relieved! And now I am literally shocked that I just wrote this much about my cardigan.

The Truths and Lies About Big Ash

Let me go back in time about two years ago:

I was on a date (don't act so shocked) with a guy who has since been married. We had gone to a comedy club and then headed to get some ice cream after. On the way to ice cream, we were stopped at a red light at a busy intersection. It was around 9pm. I looked to my right at the sidewalk next to us, and to my dismay saw a large dog all alone and wandering dangerously close to the road. I let out a gasp of panic and asked if we could pull over to get the dog. I am prone to this kind of animal rescue (please refer to my post entitled "Thelma & Louise" for more information), and many people may find me crazy for wanting to pick up stray animals and put them in my car (or my date's car, in this case). But hey, it is just what I do. So anyway, like I said, I asked if we could pull over and my date looked at me like I was a freak, and said no and drove on through the green light. I was kind of shocked. And afraid for that dog. In my head I thought "there is no way this is gonna work out. I could never be with a guy who wouldn't rescue a dog." But I didn't let him know that I thought he was a heartless jack*&%. I mean, even if he didn't care about animals, dating is about lying to each other and pretending we care about each other and acting nicer than we normally would, so you would think that he would try and be extra sweet to me and pick up the dog! But we finished the remainder of our date, and it was fine except for the gnawing anxiety about the dog in the back of my head. And needless to say, that was our first and only date.

So let's get back to present day 2011. Last week my eldest brother told me he heard something about me from a man I have never heard of in my life. He said that I had gone on a date with some guy, saw a dog on the side of the road, asked if we could pick the dog up, and after my date said no, I told him to take me home. My brother then accused me of being a crazy fool and I am sure that in his head he was thinking, "now I know why Ashley is not married...."

I was shocked that such a story was circulating about me after TWO YEARS, and was told to my brother by someone I have never met. And I began wondering what other stories are floating around about me.....

Well I did some research and found two possible connections to this man, and I decided that it had to be Breba who was spreading lies about me. So I confronted her about it, and she said it wasn't her. So my next guess is my hero and mentor Shelly Rowlan. But I have yet to ask her about her betrayal. But I just wanted you all to know the truth about this event, so that if you are confronted with any type of falsehood about me, you will stop and think about this blog, and the truth shall set you free!!!!