An Early Senior Moment?

Age may not be such a bad thing. And while I'm eating my words and biting my tongue at the same time I say that, I've never felt better than I do now about myself internally, while meanwhile my body has become a stranger and enemy that I have to figure out all over again. Crazy. I do kinda wish we could just take away the whole counting thing though. I mean, in the south it's taboo to talk about a woman's age - I had no idea how old my mom was until I finally figured it out sometime in my 20's. In some ways that's really not such a bad thing to not know someone's actual age. Other than counting down to death, I don't really understand the purpose of adding up each year and telling other people how many we're at. Supposedly (emphasis intended) certain ages should attribute varying levels of maturity which then allow for varying levels of societal privilege. However... I can attest to having encountered numerous people that would shoot that theory straight out of the sky. I remember how unhappy I felt when I turned 40 and felt like I had "nothing to show for it" in my life. But 6 more years has done me a world of good. And jumping out of a plane a few years ago helped me realize that I'm not afraid of death anyway, so why should I be afraid of aging? Seems like (aside from death) the aging paranoia exists because we still have stuff left we haven't done or want to do or just plain aren't spending time doing what's important to begin with. That whole "live like you were dying" thing is great, but that motivation doesn't seem to really work unless you truly are dying. But for me, it's the fear of not being able to do as much - not being able to get around the way I want- that I fear the most.

So I think it's time I start hanging out with the active seniors. There are people out there who have 20 more years into it than me and are in better shape, with all the "perks" of seniority on the side - wisdom, retirement, plausible excusability (more commonly known as I'm old so I can say what I want), and lots of discounts. So I need to find whatever it is they found - early on- and keep up with it, because if I can't keep getting around, there ain't no point in getting old. Cheers to a new year!

A resolute contradiction of myself.

Ah yes, a new year. And with that it seems we expect, or at least hope for, a better year than the last. It's a mile mark, a zeroing out of the speedometer of life that makes us believe that we now get some sort of "do-over" from what we didn't accomplish, or even set out to do in what we sort of intended for the year before.

And yet, we are creatures of habit for a reason. That reason being the known - what's familiar and comfortable - offers more security than the unknown, the unfamiliar, the actions that are foreign to achieving what we still hope to accomplish. Sometimes the complacency that comes from feeling comfortable is the worst obstacle we can face within ourselves. Certainly my own life lessons have taught me this. Taught all of us this, by now. What's sobering is that we often choose it. I know I have. It's easier to stay with what we're used to, even though that ship is on a Titanicesque path, than to abort the trip and face countless known disappointments. Our kind has latched onto this concept in numerous ways throughout the ages, oftentimes more from a spiritual sense of atonement and renewal than a personal goal. But they both apply. I think it's funny that new year's resolutions are really just an American-style Lent that we will supposedly adhere to all year long, when really, most observers of the Lenten period can rarely last for 40 days, let alone 365.

If I haven't introduced myself yet, my name is Lynn and I'm a pessimist (Hiiii Lynn!!!). But please allow me to explain myself - I am a pessimist in order to believe in the possibility of things. So I prefer to call myself a romantic pessimist (the PC is Realist people). Yes, I'll explain. I do hope and long and dream of the best, the most ideal, the most fulfilling in my life experiences, love, goals, etc. But my actuality is to expect the worst. And my mantra, therefore, is that because disappointment occurs so often, it is better to have expected it than to have not been prepared for it. These two perceptions are clearly at odds with each other. But they are innately within me, and so will forever be at war with one another. And thus, you might call me a tormented soul...(and I might agree!) Truth is, we all are at war within ourselves in one way or another.

So here is the point. I think new year's resolutions are stupid. If I need to change something or do more or less, then shouldn't I be able to do that any old time of year? In fact to me, setting a goal up with some perennial time period is bound to doom it to failure rather than success. It's like waiting to diet until 3 weeks before the big 25 year reunion (because NOW I will lose that weight that I've been persecuting myself over for the last 15 years...whatever). To be honest, sometimes I feel like "trying" is the impediment to getting anywhere. I know that sounds ridiculous, but really it's the difference between just making a stab at it or seriously striving for change - the conscious endeavor of making something stick. It's like when you ask someone to do something and they say "I'll try"... you know it's generally half-hearted, right? Well that's what these made on occasion intentions are to me. They are the adult pacifiers to our super ego realizations and they usually stall out by March.

I have found that in order for me to change, I have to be pessimistic about my pessimism so that I can circumvent the complacency. It's a fine and crazy line. But the difference is in defeating the self-defeating mindset of entrusting my betterment to a time of year, rather than to the better state of mind. Because it's the state of mind that always determines your fate... Of course I'm contradicting myself! But that's just it. It's the going against the grain of even my own concept of what will bring about self actualization, that helps me improve. Therefore, I choose not to resolve some thing, but to be resolute about contradicting the lesser parts of myself. Oh yeah, happy new year.

Follow the recipe, or go long?

I am really not a baker. A griller, yes! But a baker, meh, not so much. There's just too many ingredients and measuring and all that involved in the whole baking thing. I do know enough to follow a simple recipe in most things. More often than not, I "make it up as I go along" and there are times when it turns out pretty darn great if I do say so myself...But we all know there is no recipe for much of anything in life.

So what happens when what you pull out of the oven doesn't resemble what you thought you were making? I'll tell you what, it sucks really bad. In the kitchen, you can toss out what you attempted and start over again. In life, well...it's not quite as simple, or easy, and way more messy than just cleaning things up in the sink. And when it comes to relationships, I feel as though I've either been cooking from the wrong recipes, or using the wrong ingredients (and definitely both in one instance for sure.) I know part of the problem in these Betty Crocker debacles is lack of cooking experience. And we can all agree that when you're good at something you either have the skills, or the experience. And sometimes, even when you have some skills, it still comes out like crap. Listen people, my playing field is far smaller than the majority, and when you consider I didn't really even figure out what my position was on the team until I was in my 20's, game time had already run out a good part of the first half -4th inning- 3rd quarter... I realize that part of my problem is I believe in the Hail Mary - love it in fact.

It's dramatic and exciting, full of hope and full of disaster. I'm big on taking chances like that. My wannabe-Italian heart adores long shots and underdogs. Maybe it's because I can associate with both. But if your receiver isn't a sure thing, or your quarterback has a bum arm, a touchdown there will not be. No matter how many times you throw the ball. And so I feel I'm faced with having to either punt, or whip up some brownies. And for now, I guess I'm choosing the brownies. I assume that all this means I should spend more time baking, as far as relationships go. Making sure all the ingredients are there, things are separated and sifted, the oven is preheated, the pan is greased and the timer is set. I'd rather just throw a steak on the fire and sear it to perfection in about 8 minutes. But clearly, love is about baking, and not about how hot the coals are. In the meantime, my brownies may end up not tasting that great, but really what does it matter when I'm only cooking for one? Besides, I can always bring them to work.

I elect to be radical.

Am I better off than I was four years ago...? I think this question is stupid. It's like the cliche interview question of "Where do you picture yourself in five years?" Like I would want to predict my success or failures... Isn't "Am I better off" a question for my own initiative and motivation? I loathe the question because it suggests that what I do with my life is dependent upon whether or not the government has provided the proper set up for me to succeed. This is not what the Founding Fathers would have asked. I would think the majority of those that decided to take the slow boats to America were not thinking they were better off halfway through the trip. But they were thinking that. I believe it was the promise of a new freedom that they had no hope of reaching in the place they were coming from. And that was enough back then.

You see, in my opinion, we are too well off to realize what we have anymore. We argue and whine about what others have and get, whether by privilege or exception, or whatever the circumstance. When, what we really should be worrying about is what we're doing to make more of ourselves and in turn, help others make more of themselves. Once again, doesn't it always come down to attitude and perspective? Time warp tells me that all the pilgrims that helped bring us this country realized that the success of their future was up to them. And look at what came out of it! Are you better off is up to you, and only you. For starters anyway. Whether you decide to cowboy up with others to make the most of "it" or find a better way, no one is telling you or forcing you to do anything. This is what our freedom and democracy is all about. CHOICE. We get to make a choice! Granted, majority rules, but I believe if you look at history, that has generally served us well. So for those that want to say on one hand the government hasn't done what it's supposed to do for you, and on the other, the government is too involved in your life, I say you don't understand Democracy. By the people means it's your responsibility to be involved. And if the majority rule hasn't served your interests, then maybe you should take a second look. Because regardless of whether the government is partisan to your politics, you can still make a difference. You still can always serve a greater purpose- for others and in turn, for ourselves. There are millions of ways to do this.

I fear for the future because the "can do" mentality seems to be castaway by up and coming generations after my own. (And yes, that does imply that I think my generation is the last of those who weren't born feeling entitled.) The sense of entitlement is staggering and evident in present-day priorities and interactions (or total lack thereof) with others. In the current Facebook, Twitter, text, email world we live in now, gone is the face-to-face reality of what was, of what actually changed and effected our perspective. And I'm guilty too. I choose email over phone calls every time, unless you're extremely familiar to me. But what worries me is the latest generations rarely have opportunity for others to be familiar to them anymore. If you have 100+ "friends" on Facebook, who cares if you have any social skills? Who cares if you understand the importance of neglecting your own personal interests in order to help someone else? And I fear that gets lost more and more in the "standards" of the present day. So are we better off? And is that any one person's load to bear? I think not. Don't get me wrong. I have never been Polly Anna about anything and I too am frustrated many times over with what's going on (actually, not going on) in Congress. But I will always support the one that offers hope and the challenge to change over the one that only offers criticism for what hasn't happened with no game plan on what they can do better. I will always support the one that wants to find a better way for those that have been oppressed and neglected over the one that favors the more fortunate. I will always support the one that forges relationships to create solutions over the one that would rather wage war.

Am I better off? I challenge myself with that question everyday I'm alive. In my opinion, it is fundamentally my own responsibility, and also my responsibility to help my neighbor be better off as I would want for myself. That's what I've learned from being an American and a Patriot for my country. And I pledge allegiance with those who share the same view.

"It's not whether you win or lose, but how you view the game."

I can't think of a better time to re-evaluate those experiences that I want to accomplish before I kick the bucket, having just followed through with one on my birthday. But before I do, of course, I should say a few things...
Speaking of kicking- I often need a kick in the pants. I mean, to help get my outlook back "on-track" or adjust my attitude or however you want to say it. I wish that I could say that I learned that about myself over the years well enough to initiate the "kick" on my own. But I haven't. As I've pondered about in previous blogs, the carefree spirit of my youth that was so willing to take chances, to act the fool, to jump in feet-first, to experience life with abandon- often gets lost in the muck of adult routines. But I feel like I've finally come to understand and digest what determines the balance. I've known it all along, I even have quotes about it posted at my desk and elsewhere to remind me of the importance. But it just hasn't truly sunk in until recently. It's all about perspective. I'm not just talking about simple point of view. I mean equanimity. And I want it. I feel as though a good place to start will involve somehow evoking the frame of mind that existed when I wanted so much to be "grown up" as a kid and then melding that with the present-day longing for the "innocence of youth" as an adult.
I realize, as with all truly worthwhile things in life, that even coming close to such a refined state of being will require daily, hourly and often minute to minute adjustment of my attitude and mindset. In other words, a lot of work. But I think the morning of July 9, 2011 push-pinned into my very being a prominent reminder of just how important "perspective" is in life. I want to hang on to that as tight as I can as I proceed through the next 42 or so years.