Fire extinguishers, carbon monoxide detectors, and us

Well, the end of our home study is drawing near. (Translation: We are almost done fulfilling the requirements to become licensed foster parents.) Yay! We have finished our classes, been interviewed, and we've purchased a fire extinguisher and a carbon monoxide detector (required by the state for certification). We've even moved into a bigger apartment already. We were planning on doing it in December or over spring break, but then we realized it would be much easier to do it early on in the year. So with only three weeks of preparation, we moved into a three bedroom apartment. The square footage is actually slightly more than our house in Yuma. It's in the same complex as our last apartment, so we avoided many of the hassles associated with moving. And many of you already know this because you came to help us move.

That's one of the things I've been learning in this process, we are surrounded by wonderful people. We have a great support system both at school and at church, and we feel extremely blessed. So many of our friends and acquaintances have offered help or give us clothes or furniture or just a listening ear, and lots of prayers. There is such a strength in community. We really do need each other.

Wednesday is the last of our steps in the licensing journey (hopefully!). We will have a representative of the state's licensing office come and inspect our home to make sure that it is safe, and that there are no un-adressed safety hazards (hence, the fire extinguisher, co detector, and also locking up medications and harsh chemicals). It's not very glamorous, and it feels a bit invasive, but at the same time it feels like everything is really happening, like we will really have kids in our home soon. It feels great. And terrifying. :)

Also, I just wanted to put it out there that once children have been placed with us, we will be bound by confidentiality laws. We can tell you generally about them, but we can't even actually say that they are foster children. But we're guessing you'd figure that one out on our own. Basically, anything related to their biological parents, their case plan, or anything having to do with why they are in care or how long they'll be there is off limits. Our agency also strongly recommends against posting pictures of the children in care on the internet. Once/if they are adopted, then we will post lots and lots of pictures!!

Finally, perhaps the most frightening part of all of this is that we have no control over whether or not the children will stay with us. Although we will be getting children from the match list (children who are likely to become in need of adoption), the goal of fostering, even fostering-to-adopt, is always reunification with the biological parents. And relatives always have priority in adoption over foster parents. I think that last part is something that needs to be revisited by lawmakers, especially in the case of young children. But this is the law as it stands today, and we are powerless to change it. Please pray for us, that we will be able to bear up under any of the challenges that we will face. We know we don't know the mind of God (or the state, for that matter), and we accept that part of the reason we were led to this path may be to foster multiple groups of siblings before adopting. It is a difficult possibility to accept, but we know that if we combine our faith, that we will be able to overcome any challenges that come our way. God bless you all for your love and goodness towards us. It is deeply felt.

Here's to medications in a tool box!

Paperwork, classes, and blankets

Well, we finally finished our small mountain of paperwork that we needed to submit along with our application. From 10 years of residential and job history to how our families expressed feelings to what we like best and least about each other, I feel like most of my life was jammed onto those pieces of paper. It took a few weeks and many hours to finish, but that part is done. I anticipate there will be more in the future. For reference, it felt a bit like home buying paperwork - with a lot more touchy-feely aspects to it.

We decided to go with La Paloma as our adoption agency, and we've been really enjoying the training they provide. Three-hour-long government mandated classes once a week seemed a dubious beginning, but I have been surprised at how interesting and genuinely useful our classes have been. The topics covered so far have been shared parenting (with biological parents - remember this is foster-focused), loss, attachment, and discipline vs. punishment. We enjoy our group of classmates (about 25 of us) and our facilitators. It's nice to do something concrete each week towards becoming parents. And it's been a surprising blessing to have to discuss certain topics like discipline in specific ways that we never would have had I just gotten pregnant like we wanted!

I've needed to keep heart (and not just my head) occupied in a few ways. At the Let's Play Music conference I went to a few weeks ago, I ended up leaving with a "living locket" from Oragami Owl, with a charm in it that reads, "Forever Family" - an important phrase both for members of our faith, and for children looking for permanent, loving homes. It is my "talisman", my tangible reminder that this will happen, one way or the other.

The other thing I've been doing and quite enjoying is making "not-so-baby" blankets. Cristen Jimenez showed me how to crochet the beautiful blanket pictured up above. It's probably not even half finished at this point, but it feels good to do something for our kids. Even though I can't hug them, feed them, or help them feel secure right now, I can make them blankets, and that's something.

Also, I wanted to correct something from the last post. Children in foster care can have baby-sitters (provided they are over 18) for short periods of time. However, if it is going to be a matter of more than a few hours then they need respite care providers.

Thanks again for caring! We love you!

The Next Step(s)

Hello everyone! First of all, I just want to thank you for being wonderful and supportive! I have been overwhelmed with how excited and encouraging all of the people we have been telling are for us. This has made the biggest and scariest decision of our lives (except maybe getting married) easier and more exciting than scary, because we know that we are not alone in our joy and we won't be alone in our challenges. Bless you all.

I know we haven't been very good bloggers, but we know this is a process that is rather unknown to anyone that hasn't gone through it themselves, so we are resolved to do better and keep you in the loop. The next step (after making the initial decision) for us is to choose an adoption agency. Many of our LDS friends will wonder why we're not using LDS Family Services. The main reason is that they don't generally work with children in foster care, and the second is that they almost exclusively dealing with infant only/non-sibling group adoptions. This is a wonderful service for families wanting to adopt one infant, and for young birth parents who want to find committed, loving parents for their children, but we feel so strongly about adopting a sibling group from foster care, that we need to find a different agency.

Last night we went to an orientation meeting held by the Foster and Adoptive Council of Tucson (FACT). They gave an overview of the crisis-level situation of children in the foster system in Pima County, and then had representatives from all the major agencies in the county to talk with. I know that fostering and adoption is a very, very personal decision, but I want to put my voice out for the children in Pima County. I don't think most people know how bad it is. There are about 3,500 kids in the foster system, and only about 750 available foster homes. Many, many children are living in group homes with staff instead of parents. Many are teenagers or sibling groups. Siblings are often split up, causing additional trauma in their young lives. It is truly tragic. I am so grateful we are in a position to do something about it.

In any event, we spoke primarily with two agencies - A Place to Call Home and La Paloma. We've yet to decide about either of them, but we got a lot of information (hence the sleepless night I mentioned on facebook:). The process is this - both agencies run a series of classes to complete the required 30 hours of training to license, and both will complete the home study process during the course of the classes, so that the whole licensing process takes only 3-4 months. Ah! That was a lot less than I expected, which was kind of overwhelming, but exciting. We will probably not foster during the next school year (although we could), but we are looking at providing respite (a temporary care of a few days) for other foster parents. Foster parents can't just leave their foster children with a baby-sitter. Since their kids are technically under the guardianship of CPS, anyone who watches them needs to be a certified respite care provider. That will be us. In this way, we're hoping to potentially come in contact with the children we feel are meant to be a part of our family, and be able to take them when/if it looks like parental severance is going to happen (when the birth parents' rights are terminated and they become legally free to adopt). We are, as you may have guessed, looking at doing foster-to-adopt. This way we will get to know the children before we commit to adopt them, and they will get to know us. It may make the process take a bit longer, but both women we talked to seemed pretty confident that they can tell situations that are likely to go to severance, and can help place children with us who are unlikely to go back to their birth parents. There is no risk-free situation, however. Even children legally free for adoption can have extended family step forward during the adoption process that have priority. This, as you might guess, is a terrifying prospect for us both, but it is a risk we are coming to terms with taking.

Well, that's the news from Lake Woebegone! Thanks again for being such an awesome circle of family and friends. We are truly blessed.

Adoption

As some of you may know, it's now been over four years since Kelsey and I first started trying to get pregnant. We've been to the doctor several times to try to see what's going on, but as far as they can tell there's no reason we shouldn't be getting pregnant. We haven't been able to do as much fertility treatment as we might have liked, since while we had two incomes we were in Yuma, where there aren't any fertility specialists, not to mention were still paying for a house in Las Vegas as well as our house in Yuma. Now that we're in Tucson we've found a good fertility doctor but since we're both in school we don't have the money to do much fertility treatment. As we've been pondering our situation, we've just sort of felt like we need to do what fertility treatment we can as we can afford it; then if we haven't gotten pregnant by the time Kelsey finishes her masters and we have an income again, we can start to pursue it more seriously. That is, until about a week and a half ago.

Here's the e-mail I sent to my family making the announcement:

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Hello family-

Well, it's not the announcement that you're expecting, but it does have to do with children. Through a series of conversations and inspirations Kelsey and I have recently come to the decision to adopt. And, since we've never been ones to go small, we're planning to adopt a sibling group of two or three children.

This may be as much of a surprise for us as it is for you. We have always felt strongly that we will have biological children, and we still do. We have often discussed the possibility of adopting, but have never felt right about it until recently. About a week ago and independent of one another, both Kelsey and I had some fairly clear bits of inspiration that got us thinking more seriously about it. Then a friend of ours who adopted an infant a few years ago felt prompted to show us the profile of a young man on adoptuskids.org, and although we didn't feel good about that particular individual, it got us thinking more. After looking around at the profiles of several of the children on there, we began to feel strongly that this was a good thing for us, particularly the idea of adopting a sibling group from foster care. At this point we think we'll probably end up adopting a group of three kids under the age of ten. We don't have a particular group in mind (although there are lots of really cute kids on the website!), which makes sense, since it typically takes about a year from starting the process to having kids placed.

We recognize (at least intellectually) the challenges that go along with adopting from foster care. Kelsey's aunt is a child psychologist in Phoenix, who regularly evaluates children for adoptive placement. Kelsey had a good talk with her the other day, and she has volunteered to be the one who evaluates children as we consider them for adoption. One of the advantages of adopting older children (as opposed to an infant) is that we will have a pretty clear idea going in of what sorts of emotional, physical and/or psychological challenges they face. Because we know that adoption brings with it so many extra challenges, we've decided not to add the challenge of interracial adoption, and will thus only be considering Caucasian children.

You're probably also wondering how this will affect our educational plans. Since we won't have the kids until about a year from now, Kelsey will have completed her masters, and depending on how I plan my next two semesters, I should be done with my doctoral coursework. Kelsey would get a job for the 2014-15 school year while I do my research for my lecture recital and complete the recital itself. While I'm doing my research my schedule will be pretty flexible (I don't have to go to the lab to feed my cells like Mike did [Mike is my oldest brother, a cancer researcher at Harvard]), so if one or more of the kids aren't yet school age, I can stay home during the day while Kelsey is at work, and do my research in the evenings.

Sorry if this is a kind of an impersonal way of announcing this. I thought about calling each of you individually, but I figured you'd all have a lot of the same questions, and since we're coming up on finals this week, I thought I'd save myself spending the time to answer the same questions seven times. We'd love to talk to you about this on the phone if you want to give us a call.

We'll keep you posted as we know more. I'm pretty sure it will be several months before we have any information that's of interest. Also, we're not keeping this to ourselves anymore, so you're welcome to tell anybody you want to tell.

As we have been considering this, we've both commented on how grateful we are to have such a wonderful extended family that we know will accept our adopted children without reservation. We're so thankful for the love you've given to us, and that you will give to them. We are so much more excited now for the 2015 reunion when you'll all get to meet your new niece(s) and nephew(s)!

With love,

Brent

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Update, 1:01 p.m.

I just realized that my comment above about only considering Caucasian children could sound like it means we think that interracial adoption is wrong. That's not the case at all; my aunt and uncle, as well as Kelsey's cousin, have done interracial adoptions. It has worked well for them and we love their children! It just doesn't feel like the right choice for us.

That's all.

Moving!!

Well, I know it's been... quite a while. I'm sure you all thought we ceased to exist. We didn't!! We've just been very, very busy up until now. Brent applied for doctoral school this year at several places. He was traveling thither and yon to audition/interview, but in the end, the place for us ending up being... (drum roll please) TUCSON!! Okay, not as cold a climate as we would have liked (and we never seem to be near enough to family), but it's still cooler than Yuma! It actually gets cool at night... weird. We're living in a one bedroom apartment, so it's quite a downsize from our three bedroom house, but stuff seems to be fitting. We really like the complex - two pools, a fitness center, and lots of very large shade trees. It's sort of out of the way which we like.

For those of you who don't know, Brent is getting his doctoral degree in Choral Conducting, so he will have a DMA (doctor of musical arts) degree when he's done. I was planning on just teaching school, but then I realized that I could still apply for the graduate program here. It wasn't the first time I considered graduate school, but I had been gradually leaning closer and closer to vocal performance and away from education or conducting. So, I mustered all my courage, put on my big girl panties, and auditioned for a master's degree in vocal performance. I got in!! That means both of us will be going back to school this fall. It will be nice to be the student again and to spend some time caring for myself by doing what I love.

As for kids, well, there's still none. There are two fertility clinics here in Tucson, as well as a branch of LDS family services, but at the moment we're not really sure how to proceed. It will be a matter of prayer and fasting for a while, I imagine. And we are always happy for prayers in our behalf in that arena, that we will be guided to know the right course of action. Or if there's nothing at all we should do but wait and continue living our life. Which I am finally becoming okay with.

I'm sure you're wondering (or at least I am... :) - how will they get by? Two students? No full-time job? Well, I'm going to be teaching an amazing pre-school/early school-age music curriculum called Let's Play Music. If you have a four/five-year-old that you want in music lessons, these are the lessons to put them in. It's based on Kodaly, Orff, and Dalcroze methodologies and is completely play-based, which means it's fun! As I've been reviewing the curriculum, I've been amazed at how well-structured it is, and how easily they teach young children concepts that my high schoolers really struggled to grasp. And at the end of the three-year program, your kids can read music, play the piano, and write their own compositions. Not bad for seven or eight. You can check it out here: http://letsplaymusicsite.com If you know any interested parents/kiddos in the Tucson area, send them my way! Also, if you are musically inclined and looking for a new income source, take a look at becoming a teacher. It really is a fantastic program! And it was founded by a BYU grad - a little alma mater pride never hurt. ;)

Anywho, we have been tremendously blessed. Our moving truck got packed in only 31 minutes, thanks to our wonderful ward family who showed up in droves to send us off. We will really miss the Foothills ward. Yuma was a wonderful (if overwhelmingly hot) place for us, and it will always hold a fond place in our hearts. Tucson is promising to treat us well, also. In spite of the struggles we've had, I know that God is guiding us, and leading us in "the more fertile parts of the wilderness". And the best part of it all is that we get to do it together. We're just lucky, I guess. :)

Things Grow Better in Poop

As any dog owner can attest, life is full of poop. All kinds of poop. Some so unpleasant, it's uncomfortable to even mention them. However, as the book "Everybody Poops" so kindly points out, poop is something we all have to deal with. This is a fact that has frustrated me rather a lot in the last year or so of my life. I do not personally care for poop, but it seems that one simply cannot avoid it. As they say, poop happens.

Somewhere in the midst of dealing with infertility and my parents' divorce and the accompanying personal fall out, I finally accepted it: my life has some really poopy poop in it. I don't like it. I don't like not having control over some of the most important parts of my life. I don't like that I cannot change other people's choices, especially the ones that hurt me. But I feel the fire of my faith beginning to glow a little more consistently. I think I have always fallen into the hot but kind of inconsistent faith fire category. But as I am daily faced with the choice to throw in the towel or throw my hands up and simply withdraw from reality in whatever way seems most convenient (chocolate often seems most convenient), I am finding that what President Benson said is true, at some point we are all backed up to the wall of faith, and there we must take a stand. So, I either give up, or I find some faith in humanity, in myself, in my marriage, in my Savior. And I don't like the first option. Also, I am finding that I simply don't have time or energy to care as much about what people think of me as I always have. I am learning to like me, and shouldn't that be good enough? So the poop becomes the catalyst for my growing inner strength and, seemingly ironically, inner peace.

I guess farmers have always known it - throw some poop on something, and it grows faster. Disgusting, smelly, but true. And I guess in the end, if something beautiful, useful and nourishing grows, it was worth all the crap.

We DO exist!!

So, several months ago we were at ACDA and a friend mentioned that we hadn't blogged in a while. Then a little while later someone else mentioned it. And then I was obliged to agree. Problem is, while school was in, I was just busy, busy, busy. But we're on break now, so here it is - proof that we still exist!

Noteworthy events since the last blog post:
- Kelsey graduated!! For real this time!!
I finished my student teaching at Kofa High School with a wonderful mentor who let me/forced me to teach all of her classes every day from about the 3rd or 4th week of school and even made me enter grades! I don't think I could have been any better prepared for actual teaching than by this experience. It was wonderful to do the majority of the work of a real teacher, but with the constant guidance of someone who's done it much longer.

- Kelsey got a grown-up job.
Because of my wonderful mentor, I got a job right after I got my diploma. Well, technically, I had it before I even finished. It was a very stressful but wonderful semester having my own program. I taught three choir classes, a special ed music class, and (gasp!) guitar. There was a lot to learn, but I had a truly helpful induction program and instructional coach (which is rare). Not to mention a very supportive administration (also rare).

- ACDA in Chicago
Through Brent's work, Kelsey's mom, and some careful money management, Brent and I both managed to attend the ACDA convention in Chicago where BYU Singers was performing. It was a wonderful trip full of friends and good music. And we got to stay with Brent's sister and her family, which is always a blessing. So much love.

- Brent got offered his job again!
Brent's position was a one-year temporary position, as the piano professor who was on Sabbatical leave had requested to become the choral/vocal professor upon her return. For whatever reason, she decided not to come back, and so they have appointed Brent to his position again for another year. Next year they will have to do a full search, and Brent's lack of a DMA may be a hindrance, but he will most likely also apply to DMA programs and other jobs. Because of this, I will be staying at my job again next year. I'm really excited to stay with my program.

- Fertility treatment
Many of you know that we have been trying (unsuccessfully) to have children for over two years now. We finally decided that we were financially and emotionally stable and insured enough to start going to the Doctor. He decided to put me on Clomid and says I've responded well to it, but as yet still no bundles of joy are expected. However, our chances of having twins have gone from next to nothing to about 7%. We're not sure how to feel about this... (secretly I think we're both excited by the idea - well, at least I am!! Make up for lost time!) But in any event, if you don't hear any announcements soon, it's not because we don't want kids. However, I am finally learning to appreciate the blessing of being married without children and really enjoying our marriage. :)

- Trips!
We've gone on several mini-trips this year, one on Spring Break to California to see Brent's dad and go to the temple, another to Vegas to see my family who were in town from upstate New York, one to visit our friends the Hills in San Diego, and we're leaving tonight to again visit Brent's dad and to see our friends the McClellans for the fourth. Our biggest trip, however will be a road trip to Minnesota. Yes, we're driving. All 32 hours of it. With the dog... We'll stop in Denver to see the Bishops, and stop in Vegas on the way back to see my brother. And in between we hope to spend lots of quality time with Brent's family and friends. And weather that is at least 30 degrees cooler. No joke.

- Sum up
We have been really blessed this year. We both are employed, a HUGE blessing that never goes unnoticed; we have managed to pay most of our bills mostly on time (thanks to tithing and generous families), in spite of still owning our house in Vegas and not being able to rent it; we have visited people we love, and made new friendships that are already very dear to us. Our ward is wonderful, and Yuma is about the friendliest place I've ever lived (except maybe for Provo, but there's a lot less flirting here). It is ridiculously hot here, for a ridiculously long time. I may be from Vegas, but even there it cools down in October. Here we were still over 100 well into October. But the winters are delightful, if lacking in essentials (like snow). So things are not perfect, but they are very, very good, and we're grateful!

Pictures coming soon... (the one up top is us at the Botanical Gardens in Balboa Park in San Diego).