Eeeeee-leven

My Sweet Kaden...

Today you turned 11. One year closer to the big new adventures that await you. In many ways I love that you are still fairly small--it allows me to live in denial that you are growing up on me!

This past year has kind of been a tough one for you. There has been a whole lot of change--and even more trying to figure out how to cope with it. You have faced many challenges and my heart has just broke for you. But I have really loved seeing you find ways to be better and come out from the storm stronger.

At 11....you LOVE all things mythological. I have a hard time with this because what I know about Greek Mythology I could count on one hand. But you read as many mythology books as you can get your hands on and have been known to wear towels as togas. You also have a love of words--for months you've hauled big hard bound books around and frequently can be found reading the dictionary.  At eleven you also really love Legos--and BATMAN. You love Batman so much that you wear your Batman jacket in 105 degree weather, even though a sweater is not even remotely needed. But you insist...it's cool. :)

You are SO intentional with the way you live...you have a set outfit you wear each day every week. A monday outfit, a Tuesday outfit, etc...you line everything up just so. You are still my little man and LOVE to wear a suit and tie, collars, and button up shirts. Your hair is always done--you just always look so handsome!

At 11, you love to snuggle still. I hope you always will. You don't always have the easiest time expressing yourself, but you still try. I love your efforts, and I appreciate them so much! Getting to know you has been such an incredible experience. I love that we have things to share with each other, that only we can understand.

You still love tomatoes--and peppers--and many other things. But your taste buds have changed this year. You no longer like ham--or sausage--you really only like bacon. And while you used to love a supreme pizza, you not only will eat plain pepperoni. I don't quite understand the big change, but we are learning to adapt. :)

These 11 years with you have been so wonderful. Sometimes a struggle, as all growth is. But SO, so wonderful. You have filled our home with so much love. You have brought an incredible talent for music. Your spirit just strives to do good--and BE good. You are such an incredible example to me...and I love you far more than I could even begin to express.

Thank you for giving me 11 amazing years with you! I LOVE being your mom...and I am so happy you're my boy!

Happy Birthday buddy...
Love, mom

...Thirteen...

Dear Jenna,

I have just been so confused lately, wondering where in the world the past 13 years have gone? THIRTEEN...gosh, that sounds so old! :) You have been counting down to this day for months! You even wrote it in your planner alongside all the other important dates and things to remember. You showed me everything so I could write it down in my own calendar, and I crossed out your birthday and put CANCELLED in big letters. You got a good laugh from that. But despite my denial, today came...and you turned 13...and I continue to wonder what I've done to deserve a sweet girl like you.

At 13, you are kind and thoughtful. Just this week, a girl in your band class broke down crying on stage at your concert because she realized she wouldn't get any school awards and she didn't get any band awards, and it made her feel really bummed. You came right home and made her a certificate on the computer and took it to her the next day. I honestly was so touched. On mother's day you texted a mom who lost her oldest son a few months ago. And you checked back in with her later in the day to make sure how she was doing. You often are the first one to pitch in and offer to help, even though I know you would rather be doing something else. Your care and attention to Josie is just incredible. You help her feel like she is truly the best sister in the world--even when she is being crazy and difficult. I am so grateful for your kindness and caring. I truly learn so much from your sweet example.

My heart absolutely swells with love as I have watched your testimony grow and develop this year. I have absolutely cherished the chance to work on Personal Progress together every Sunday morning. I look forward to it every week--and I hope you know what it means to ME! I love hearing about the things you are changing, working on, and the goals you are setting in your life. Watching you change your morning habits and wake up, on your own, at 5:45 every morning to read scriptures has really been so inspiring. As I climb the stairs every morning to wake the boys, I see your bedroom light shining beneath your door and my heart just feels so happy. I want you to know I love who you are--and I love who you are becoming as you seek ways to follow God's plan for you.

For some reason, 13 makes me feel like suddenly life is racing at the speed of light...next year you will start early morning seminary and going to church dances...in 3 short years you will be able to date...and drive...and then I'm afraid I will blink and you'll be going off to college or serving a mission, or getting married and having your own kids. My heart just aches to think that your time in our home is 2/3 of the way over...But today, on this, your birthday, I do not want to think about how quickly time will continue to fly. I want to savor the here and now. I want to capture in my mind how you are today...spunky, fun, sweet, caring...a girl who carries herself with confidence and is okay to have her own sense of style...an amazing sister, a wonderful friend. I want remember tonight with you spinning in the light from the setting sun, with a smile of pure joy, your blonde waves flying through the air and bouncing off your freckled cheeks as you abruptly stop.  That is the you I see--and love--and always will.

My sweet Jenna girl...I told you last night as I tucked you in bed, that when the clock struck midnight and you turned 13, I needed you to remember that your age may say you're getting older, but that you will always be my little girl. I meant it...I am so grateful Heavenly Father entrusted me with you. You are truly a light in my life and inspire me to be the kind of mom an amazing girl like you deserves.

I love you J-Bird...May 13 be everything you dreamed it would be.

Love, Mom

Three...

Dear Josie,

I absolutely cannot believe that today marks 3 years since you came to our family. THREE! I have been thinking all day how this is even possible, because I am positive it was really just last year you were born. :)

At THREE, you are very into dressing up and playing pretend. You love to "cook" on your toy kitchen, haul your dolls around the house and tuck them in bed, and pretend to be a doctor almost daily. You have been obsessed lately with your imaginary spider-he is always accused of eating your candy, scaring you, and being "mean".

You love to ride your "bike"...which is one of our multiple ride-ons. If it has wheels, it's your bike. Plasma car? Bike. Scooter? Bike. It's all interchangeable. You especially love playing outside, going for walks, and being with the kids. And oh, how you LOVE play-doh and bubbles. You ask to go "bye-bye" every day, whether I have somewhere to go or not. You always want to walk at the grocery store, and skip the shopping cart--much to my dismay! :)

At 3 you love strawberries, raspberries, bananas, watermelon, pears, oranges and a host of other fruits.You are my fruit-lovin' girl!! You don't care for hot dogs, but you absolutely LOVE macaroni and cheese, and you pretty much live for dessert. Basically, my pregnancy diet has bled over into what you really, truly love.

The past 3 years have been some of the best--and yet some of the most challenging. It was a whole different adjustment to welcome you to our family and get back to the baby basics and sleepless nights again. Walking through the terrible twos and toddler tantrums again has been difficult. But it has also been so, so good. You truly make our family so happy, Josie!

I was reading back through the letter I wrote on the day you were born, and I was reminded of what a beautiful miracle you are! At the time, it was impossible to imagine life with you in it, but I look at you now and simply cannot imagine life any other way. You are the perfect caboose to our family, and your laughter, giggles, and funny phrases really do make our life brighter, better, and happier.

I know that every day, I have something to learn from you. Sometimes it is patience. Sometimes it is how to let go and just have fun in the moment. Sometimes it is how to clean up mascara from your clothes, or get nail polish out of our brand new carpet, or permanent marker off your skin. :) But as I look at you, I have no doubt you were here to teach me--to help me to learn and grow and become who Heavenly Father wants me be. I love you for that, and I always will.

Thank you, sweet Josie, for 3 years of laughter, tears, exhaustion, and happiness. You will always be my proof that God answers prayers...

I love you forever...
Love, mom

The big 12!

My darling Jenna...

12. You have waited SO anxiously for this day. It is as though at the stroke of midnight, turning 12 would open up this magical world to you. In many ways it will. And I am so excited for all that is to come.

At 12 you love Paris--the Eiffel tower, any trinkets or decor that look French--you love it all! I have no doubt in my mind your determined spirit will find a way to get to France someday. You are really into art, creating, planning family night lessons or object lessons to share. My favorite thing about you right now is your bedtime routine. Every night, you pick a talk or Face to Face recording to listen to. You often will discuss really incredible insights and it just makes my heart so happy that you put yourself in a place where the Spirit can speak to you and teach you. Sweet Jenna, embrace this! It will guide you through many difficult times in life. But more than that, let the spirit fill you with a happiness that cannot come from anything or anyone else.

You used to come home crying that people would mistake you for a child 4-5 years younger, or that you were teased about being short. But you have definitely embraced your petite size now. You are starting to love accessories and dressing up, but you are still a jeans and t shirt girl at least half the week. While some of the combos you put together aren't necessarily things I would choose, I LOVE that you are okay to just be you--to choose what makes you happy, regardless of what anyone else says.

I have thought a lot about what advice I would give you as you enter these years. I look back on my own experiences and based on that I would say this...

-Love yourself. Not based on what any boy says or what any friend does. Love yourself, your talents, your abilities. And even love your flaws and challenges because ultimately they are what make you who you are and how you will become a better person. Love yourself because you are a child of God. And HE loves YOU!

-The gospel of Jesus Christ brings true happiness. There will be times it may feel difficult to study the scriptures or to feel like praying, or to do what you've been asked. But I promise you that it is worth it. You will strengthen and grow your roots of testimony and grow closer to the Savior as by following His life pattern as you dedicate your life to serving others and serving God.

-No matter how awesome you feel you look in your 7th grade school pictures, someday you will look back and wonder what you were thinking. :)

-Embrace these years with your siblings, even though they do seemingly irritating things. Find ways to show patience towards them. They look to you as the example and they will follow your lead. Your relationship with them will be SO important over the next few years. Your life will just feel so much better if you find ways to love them and be close to them throughout your life.

-Learn to laugh at yourself. If you're anything like me, you've got a lot of socially awkward years ahead. I just hope you grow out of it sooner than I have. :) But know, embarrassing moments rarely last forever. And thankfully many people are willing to forgive and let go. Be sure to be one of those people for others too...

-There is such value in keeping a journal. Do it now. You won't regret it. Even the small details, they may not matter in the grand scheme of things, but they will be so valuable as you grow and look back and see how far you've come.

-Remember to love others. It's like I said when I was snuggling with you tonight, I could buy you lots of different things, but the greatest gift is to love and be loved. It is far more precious than anything money could buy. To know you are wanted and needed and loved, and to feel that for others, is so fulfilling. I hope you remember this birthday and every other one you have, that YOU ARE LOVED. Regardless of what the world may say or what discouragement or rejection you may face, you are needed, You are important. You are cared about and prayed for and loved in so many ways.

I am so grateful for you. You are such an example to me in so many ways. I will forever love your ability to be yourself--to have your own style, and the ability to embrace change, and to seek out ways to be your very best. In some ways entering this stage of girl's camp, youth activities, and everything that comes with teenage years, is so terrifying. And yet, seeing your excitement for this stage and everything that comes with it makes it feel like the grandest adventure of all.

May it be just that--

And may you always remember that I am here to walk this path of life with you--the Lord on one side, dad and I on the other. You truly are never alone!

I love you to the moon and back. .
Love, mom

Terribly Terriffic TWO

Dear Josie,

I look at the number 2 and feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. Time goes so quickly. In many ways it feels as though you have just been in our family a few months. But no. It's been two wonderful, difficult, stressful, magical years with you.

At 2 you aren't very vocal--at least verbally. You definitely make your wishes known with yelling, pointing, and squealing. You do say a few things--mom, mainly. But I've caught you saying shoe, no and a few other little words lately. I am excited to hear you learn and make the connections that will have you jabbering a mile a minute.

You can make the kids laugh over the silliest things. They are all so in love with you--they race to be the one to wake you in the morning, and argue over who will tuck you in at night. They want to share their world with you, showering you with their stuffed animals and colored pictures and switching "their" movie night selection to something you might have interest in. Lately you've been obsessed with Ring around the rosie--and the kids do it over and over and over and you all laugh and fall into a pile on the floor, only to have you jump up and do it again! You bring a life and laughter to our house that I truly believe only you could.

Anyone who knows you, knows the way to your heart is with a treat...or two...or three. You have a total sweet tooth! You want nothing to do with cooked carrots, but will eat them raw. And you inhale blueberries, strawberries, mandarine oranges, and most other fruits. But you detest other foods most toddlers go-to...chicken nuggets, hot dogs are at the top of that list. But you will never ever turn down a bowl of good ol' mac and cheese.

Your nod YES is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life--next to the way you fold your arms for prayer. We can be mid-meal and, despite having already prayed, you will fold your arms and look around waiting for everyone to pray, and sure enough, we all stop and do it because we can't resist your cuteness. You love to go "bye bye" and get your shoes on. You insist on wearing a coat or sweater even if it's 80 degrees, just because for you, it's part of the leaving routine. You love music--and you LOVE to dance. Any time, any place. Music comes on, and there's a smile on your face. The Wheels on The Bus is on your top 10 list of 2016 smash hits and you boogie any time you hear it come on or someone sings it.

Over the past 2 years I have loved to watch you grow and develop into a little toddler. Although you are still petite, I sometimes miss the way your tiny baby body just snuggled in to mine. Your legs are longer now, and drape over my arms as I carry you. Your little mass of baby hair has 2 cute ponytails in it's place. You never ever just sit still and watch the world around you--you were born to explore and you make that very known.

In many ways I have found that waiting so long for you to come to our family was a blessing in disguise. I have days where I am just exhausted and frustrated by your stubborn, adventurous nature. I have moments when I am tired of cleaning up messes and wiping sticky fingerprints of mirrors and washing clothes that you threw down the laundry chute--again--even though they were JUST folded. I sometimes wonder why YOUR food can only be eaten if you are sitting on MY lap. But I remember the vivid impression when I dreamed we would have you--it was very distinct. I see it in my mind clear as though it just happened. And I remember the impression--that we would have a girl who would bring us a profound amount of joy. So even on the days I am feeling less than joyous about life, I hold to the promise that you are the joy we were missing.

And you are.

You were loved before you were ever born...you are so very loved now...and you will be, forever and ever, the sunshine and laughter our family needed.

Love you Josie girl...to the moon and back again.
Love, mom

Starting somewhere...

I don't care what anyone says.
Post-move depression is as real as postpartum depression...

I don't know that I have had a single move where I haven't felt this--but you forget. You forget how horribly your heart will ache and how lonely it will feel. You forget that you will be the outsider in conversations, or that the conversation that IS made with you will not be anyone wanting anything real. Deep. Meaningful. It's just surface chit chat--"are you getting settled? Are you in your house? How are things going?" You forget that everything will change--your routine, anything consistent in your life will fly out the window. You forget that stress added on top will just smother the sparks of happiness you're so desperately trying to see. You forget all of these things...At least I did.

And it is never that people aren't nice. Or that people don't care. It's simply that change is hard. And change brings every teeny tiny insecurity bubbling to the stop and just spilling over in an emotional eruption.

I'm trying to combat this--trying to reach out and find others to serve. Trying to invite others over and host dinners or swimming. I am sure on the outside it seems like it's no biggie for me. What nobody sees is the dragon of anxiety that sneaks out of the shadows when I face responses of busy schedules, and previous plans. Because even though I know those things are very real, it is so very easy--so very IRRATIONAL--to internalize it as personal rejection.

I know this won't last forever. Right now, though, it feels like it. I am telling myself to just give it time--that we will find ourselves with good friends, and a consistent routine, and that there won't always be this worry and stress and feeling like I am making a massive fool out of myself all. the. time.

Moving on. Moving ahead. Setting goals. Realizing I can't be where I want to be with the wave of a magic wand (unless someone has one they haven't told me about--in which case, hand it over!)

I watched this video today and it really spoke to where I am at. I sobbed through it--I am grateful for a Master gardener who saw the bigger picture. I wish it didn't hurt so much...moving, change, everything. But I am trusting his plan to turn me into something better than I can imagine.

Survival Mode

I have been laying awake since 1:30 a.m....again.

It isn't that I don't WANT to sleep. It's that once my body is awake, it's awake. Done with zzzz's. For several weeks it's been like this...not by choice. Between sick kids, bad dreams, stress, and a little master of disaster who has discovered not only how to open her door from her bed, but how to climb out of said bed and wander the house, sleep has not really happened for Brandon and I.

But this morning, instead of just laying there browsing contact paper on Pinterest, I felt the urge to write.

The past several months have been a roller coaster. We went from starting the building process, to finding this house we loved--spending hours getting quotes and bids for jobs, inspections taken care of, taxes done so we could move toward closing. The running around and paperwork made for some long, crazy days. And mixed in there we had to hire a new biller--and then days before closing when things were at a chaotic peak, our receptionist gave her notice and I was left scrambling to fill that spot too. It sounds so easy to hire someone...in the stroke of a few words, weeks of work are just erased and it sounds as simple as picking up a pack up gum at the store or getting the mail from the mailbox. But in real life, hiring someone is hard. And it is exhausting. I spent days and days pouring over resumes, checking Facebook profiles, conducting phone interviews, scheduling for personal interviews...all in the middle of closing on the house and starting our major renovation...and being a mom...and doing all the every day life stuff that you can't ignore. On paper, it sounds so menial. In real life, it was absolutely crushing and overwhelming.

I absolutely know that these new hires were what the Lord wanted for us--although sad and stressful at the time, it has been such a positive change and I feel grateful for the Lord's plan and timing. I have said it before, and I will say it again--His plan is always far greater than our own.

Mixed in with all of that hiring business, we started tackling our house redo. We are going about it a hybrid way....doing some ourselves, and hiring out what we couldn't do or couldn't afford to have done. This house is awesome...but it is also big. And big = expensive in the remodel world. But we are trying to avoid debt in the process...so it means we have a lot of elbow grease.

So we've been back and forth painting...installing flooring...helping with demolition of staircase and such. It has been so time consuming. Work, home, kids, church, busy busy busy...sleepless nights seem to magnify the stress and frustration. Well, sleepless nights and slow contractors. I've honestly not wanted to blow my top so much as when trying to get a contractor to stay past 3 p.m. to work on my house, or get them to understand the timeline we are on. And communication?.HA! We've had delays and deadlines threatened and in the end it will literally be down to the wire--things going on till we move our stuff in, if not even after! I will be SO happy when this is over.

This has been the weirdest move we have ever made. At a time when we are at the peak of excitement at finding a house we loved, and starting a new chapter, it's been tarnished by sellers who failed to disclose numerous things that needed repair, that have lead to other problems. Expensive problems. So at this time when I just want to be floating on cloud nine, I feel like I was thrown back down to earth for a hard wake up call. It has also been weird to start the transition to a new ward, and look at moving to new schools, and new neighbors. I know most people think I am just super social and make friends easily--but there is such a sense of insecurity when it comes to all this change. So inside I am panicking and trying not to cry a bucket of tears. But I can't exactly jump ship right now. :)

We still love the potential that lies in our new home. We love going there...we love envisioning what it will be for us. But it makes it harder and harder to live in our rental house. We feel like we are just busting at the seams--our life has become so disorganized the past month or two, and it seems pointless to reorganize everything when we are just going to uproot it again and move in a week. The clutter and chaos are truly making the walls close in...I struggle without a real meal plan, as we try to eat to empty our fridge and freezer so we have less to haul with us. We are back and forth, back and forth to the house--I can feel it taking it's toll on my kids, and the exhaustion just settling over Brandon and I like a heavy metal chain.

We are just living in SURVIVAL MODE.

Emotionally. Physically. We are just trying to get by and not drown.

I long to just snuggle my kids in bed and watch a movie together, or take them to the park and just play and run carefree. I miss having a date night. A real date night...where we aren't painting or working on the house, or talking about the house, or hiring someone, or how irritatingly slow the painters are. I miss routine and consistency--oh, how I miss this.

I know some may say these are first world problems. I certainly acknowledge that there are harder things in life--illness, death, homelessness, to name a few. In words it all seems so menial...so ridiculous. We have certainly been through other trials--harder trials--I think we are just at a place of exhaustion. The heaviness feels so real. And when you've gone and gone and given it everything, and you're still not to the finish line, the end looks farther and farther away.

I am so grateful for the people who have helped--those who have pitched in helping paint, those who have watched Josie, those who have loaned us tools, who have brought a meal. Certainly I can look and see the Lord giving glimpses of light and hope. I am just ready...to give back again, to serve others, to be able to hold my family close and help each of them feel that there is some calm after the chaos.

8 days...we will load it all up in a Uhaul and be on our way. 8 days and somehow 3 weeks of work will need to be squeezed in and finished. 8 days to pack my house and figure out what rooms people will sleep in and where our furniture will go. 8 days to finish THIS chapter of survival mode.

Glimpses

Dear Jenna,

 Yesterday we worked through chores and tackled a long to-do list. I came out of my room and saw you putting the final touches on your room. You were cleaning off your dresser that had a pile of treasures--listening to music and singing along. The light spilled into your room and glowed so warm and bright Your long ponytail brushed back and forth on your back as you moved and sang. I suddenly wondered where my itty bitty little girl had gone. In her place was this beautiful, kind, fun, creative girl. And while I love my itty bitty little Jenna, I am head over heels for this new version of you. I saw you, older and wiser, doing so much good in your life. I saw you serving others and really embracing the beautiful truths of the gospel. I saw you becoming a truly amazing young woman.

 I have loved seeing you grow and blossom lately. You are such a wonderful example to me--you go to sleep at night listening to the Youth Face to Face talks, over and over. Today you came to me after church and mentioned that you had just listened to a Conference talk and loved it so much you highlighted half of it! I see you aiming to set goals and be better. That is something many kids your age have just given up on...it is also something I hope you never lose.

This week we went together to the New Beginnings program (a youth program at church)--in our new ward (congregation). I had a moment of panic when I realized that this would be a whole new world for ME too and I really didn't know anyone, but you jumped right in and participated with the other girls. You were ECSTATIC that it was finally your time to join in...even though you technically have a few more months before you cross over to Young Women. :) I am pretty sure I stopped breathing for a few seconds when I was told the dates of Girl's camp and realized that you would be going this summer. That is more days away from home than you've ever been gone before! Oh, I will SO miss you!

I love the time you lean your head on my shoulder, and look up and me and smile. I love hearing you share your testimony. I love that you still like me to tuck you in each night. I LOVE snuggling in bed and watching movies with you for "special time" I love when we sit and discuss important things together...the lessons you're learning, the way you feel about things...I just want to soak in every word.

My sweet Jenna...yesterday was a beautiful moment for me. I love you for who you are, but yesterday showed me a glimpse of who you will be as you follow the path that the Lord has for you. You will probably face heartache, and loneliness, disappointment and rejection. I suppose that is part of life. I will always be here for you--always. I want you to remember that you do not have to be the best at anything but being YOU. That is all I ask...that is all the Lord asks.

 While I am SO excited for you to grow and experience the adventures of life, I feel the pain of knowing that I am one year closer to you leaving on your own. 18 years hardly seems like enough time to spend in the same house with someone you love and it has me really, truly longing to take advantage of our time together. You are my little girl--now, and always. Thank you for being such a blessing in my life.

Love you sweet girl...
Love, mom

And I will be your light in the wilderness...

Life. It's been really crazy. A flourish of paperwork for home buying, frantically trying to get everything in to get taxes done because our home purchase is based on this year's taxes...since we have the privilege of jumping through the hoops of the self employment circus. And since we are supposed to close on Feb 8, it's been a tad bit nerve-wrecking. :) In all of this, we lost one of our amazing employees and had to hire another--the rolling seas of business ownership are not for the faint of heart. SO stressful! Add in spelling bees, and musical rehearsals, piano lessons, church meetings--it's really just been a full plate around here.

I have set my goal this year to really delve into the scriptures in a different way than I have before. Life feels SO uncertain some days, and I have just felt that I need the words of comfort, to read the promises the Lord has, and to just immerse myself in the word of God. 

This morning I was reading in 1 Nephi--it is talking about Nephi being commanded to build a boat. Now, he and his family had been traveling in the wilderness for many years at this point. I wonder if Nephi had even SEEN a ship before. Verse 8 doesn't say build a ship like you've seen before, but rather, "after the manner which I shall show thee".

And to build a ship, he first had to make the tools...Man, SO MUCH FAITH. He knew what he needed to do, and he didn't hesitate to ASK, And once the Lord told him, he didn't dilly dally--he just went and DID it! 

9 And I said: Lord, whither shall I go that I may find ore to molten, that I may make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me?

 10 And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go to find ore, that I might make tools.

 11 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make a bellows wherewith to blow the fire, of the skins of beasts; and after I had made a bellows, that I might have wherewith to blow the fire, I did smite two stones together that I might make fire.

Then I read the verse that struck me--and has stuck with me all day...

12 For the Lord had not hitherto suffered that we should make much fire, as we journeyed in the wilderness; for he said: I will make thy food become sweet, that ye cook it not;

No fire--none. They hadn't had fire the entire many years of their journey. Not to cook with, not to warm themselves. Not to guide them in the dark or over uncertain terrain. None. Nada. But they had been blessed and provided for all along their journey. It goes on to say:

 13 And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.

It really is true...The Lord, in a very real sense, is the true light we need to guide us. I think about how often I want to rely on my own knowledge--the answer that feels like a security blanket--the very logical, safe things that make sense and help me feel okay to move forward with certain decisions or struggles. 

But that isn't what the Lord desires. He says HE will be our light in the wilderness. And that HE will prepare the way before us, And so long as we are keeping the commandments, that we will be led in the right direction.

3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.

I LOVE THIS! Without having the temporal assistance one would think necessary, Nephi's family was strengthened and nourished, lead and guided, and not just the bare bones minumum. It actually says that "SO GREAT were the blessings upon us"...and the Lord DID provide for them as they tried to accomplish His will. 

I have thought about this--a lot. I am desperately trying to align my will with the will of the Lord, even when it's uncomfortable and stressful and overwhelming. But I have been taught today that I can do better. I have wondered how many times I have shortchanged myself of blessings and guidance because I have tried to sneak a flashlight in my pack to help me see better in case I hit a dark patch. I have felt today that when the Lord says to trust Him and to let Him strengthen us and provide a way--He really does MEAN it! And just like Nephi went years and years without any fire, trusting that the Lord would provide a way for them to journey, I know as I do my part, He will do the same for me. I truly have the desire to let go of the control and see the miracles the Lord will unfold for me as I look to Him to be the light in my wilderness. 

New Year, New House...ready for change

It's been a while since I posted about this house that we stumbled upon, that we loved, but that we weren't sure would really all work out.

I have held out just waiting for answers, making 100% sure we were going to move forward before saying anything else. But as of today, I can officially say the painful negotiating is over and the house is ours--we just have to wait to close.

It's strange. Surreal even. We keep asking ourselves how it is possible that we would end up with a house like this? It is beyond our wildest dreams, and truly every time we talk about that house we mention the fact that this house is total evidence that Heavenly Father knows us SO specifically--so well--even better than we even know ourselves sometimes.

As hard as change is, we feel total peace that this is what we should be doing. For an anxiety stricken person like me, feeling peace feels strange! :)

In the process of deciding what to do, we took our family back to the house to pray as a family and to reconcile everyone's feelings, since some were having major heartache about moving and didn't want to move to this house if it meant leaving the things they were familiar with already. Josie was cranky and tired, and it wasn't this amazing spiritual experience I hoped for thanks to her tantrum throwing and whining, but it was good...and it was enough for everyone to feel peace and have that confidence that this was what the Lord wants for our family.

Once I accepted that change was coming and this was right, I haven't looked back. Not to mourn the loss of what we could have if we stayed where we are...not to question if this is right, not to debate if we should move forward with building any more. Just total peace.

I am grateful for that.

We know there are many things on the horizon, Certainly this house is not the end all of any trials or uncertainties. But to me it is evidence--that God is real. That he hears and answers our prayers. That He has a bigger plan that we could ever dream up ourselves. And more than anything, that is we don't have the answers, if we will move forward with faith, He WILL guide us and make things clear. It isn't always in our timing or in what makes sense to us, but I can testify that He will never leave us hanging. He truly desires to lift us and help us...I am grateful for the portion of faith that has grown as we turned this whole situation over to Him and pleaded for guidance to do His will.

I just feel really humbled--overwhelmed with gratitude--and a greater desire to follow Him more closely than ever before. Here's to a New year--our New house-and much more change that lies ahead.

Happy Sunday.

Week 52 - Christmas, oh Christmas

A few days before Christmas we woke to the most STUNNING sunrise. I actually thought there was a fire the way it glowed through the window--but upon further inspection, it was just God splashing the most beautiful, bright pinks and oranges across the Amarillo sky.
 

Christmas Eve was strange. It was one of the first we have ever had just us. I wanted to have people over, but at the same time I was just feeling ready for family time. Just us. And so we did. 

We ate earlier than usual, and spent the evening doing our traditional acting out of the Nativity, stories, sibling gifts, and at the end we had new PJ's for everyone. 



Kaden turned to his creative side and spelled out Merry Christmas with Duplo blocks. I wish you could see better in the picture--it was pretty impressive!


Annual Christmas tree picture--I really am going to miss the beautiful lights of the tree when it's time for them to come down!


Christmas morning...

A few years ago we had a talk with Santa and decided that he would only bring stockings. No big gifts, no wishlists, nothing like that. It has really been the best thing ever! As I watched my kids hug their socks from their stockings and be excited about the little things, I realized that for us, this works.




Spencer got a magic set and has been in heaven since! He is always trying to perfect his latest trick! :)


Grandma got the boys Pokemon binders to organize their cards. Since I have now washed numerous sets of them, this is a really, really good thing. :)


Jenna was so sweet and bought me a necklace and earrings set that said mom, and had a card that said, "not just my mom--my best friend" I love my sweet girl. She is so thoughtful!


This has to be one of my favorite pictures of Carter ever! Seriously, from a guy who can do a grumpy face like the best of them, I LOVE his genuine happiness here!




Brandon got some new bike pedals and bike shoes--he is excited to try them out once this snow melts and we get some nice weather again!



And he was surprised to see I got him in on the Nerf gun action that happened in our house. :)



Jenna also got a nerf gun--hers was the mother of all guns and much larger than it looked online! lol She LOVES it!






We actually opened all our presents without Josie--way more enjoyable that way. This girls needs her beauty rest for sure. ;) But it was really fun to focus just on her when she woke up.



After having 5 kids, I finally got this Christmas thing right. I bought her one present and a box of clothes, and Grandma/Grandpa bought her a stroller. That was it. And she was completely content. She would not have done well having anything more. Simple is best...



While we were house hunting, Josie would loved every house that had a little Cozy coupe. She would run to them--it was like she had a little radar. :) So when I found a deal on this one for $25 new, I snatched it up! In earlier kids, I would have made sure it was gender neutral. Knowing she is the caboose, I went pink! :)


Her sweet babysitter gave her the cutest little doll that blows kisses--and of course she had to haul her around in her car and stroller.




Our magician at work! :)





Kaden got a remote control car and took it out in the back lot to explore.


We all joined in--playing as long as we could handle the chilly weather.






Little Miss Jenna is getting all grown up. She loved her pink jean jacket and new scarf and jeans...the boots she bought with her own money. Texas will turn her in to a cowgirl, I am certain of it. :)





I bought all the kids--even the adult one--Nerf guns this year. When we were looking at the house we are buying, Brandon mentioned it would be the perfect house for a Nerf war. Now, I like calm--I hate wrestling and playing around (someone always gets hurt!) And Nerf guns aren't my favorite thing--but I knew THEY would love them, and Brandon was right--our new house would be PERFECT for such a thing. So I surprised them all--I LOOOVED this surprise, because it was not something I would typically do, and I didn't even tell Brandon anything about it. It was so fun to see their reactions!



After Christmas came, we were hit with a yucky blizzard. We didn't get all the snow we thought we would have, but it blew EVERYWHERE and caused so many people to get stuck! We were pretty much shut inside for a few days, through cancelled church, etc. and Brandon's office had to close Monday morning because it was still so bad.


During that time, we were able to play lots of Monopoly Deal (waaaaaay better than the traditional version) and just enjoy our time together. It was really, really nice.


Christmas brought about much reflection for me--I truly am grateful for the Savior. For His birth and His perfect life. I am grateful for His example and to have the knowledge of the gospel. I genuinely feel so much gratitude and love for Mary and Joseph, who faced what must have been incredible uncertainty and fear to some extent. Their courage and dedication to follow God's plan inspires me to do the same...

Merry Christmas...

Week 51 - The most wonderful...er...busiest...time of the year.

The week before Christmas break was a chaotic madhouse. I am still not sure exactly why--I took few pictures, but there was literally something all. week.

We had Jenna's first band concert--you know, during the day like most band concerts are. {HUH?!} It happened to be only 30 minutes different time than Spencer's class musical--which was several miles away at a different school. Thankfully Brandon was able to attend Jenna's concert, and I took off after the first 20 minutes of it to catch Spencer's play.

They both did a great job!


The next morning Jenna took part in her school talent show. They only chose 12 acts from her whole grade and she was really excited to get to perform her piano piece. She was first--and thankfully the gentleman in front of me didn't pull out his giant Ipad to record everything till after she was done. Common sense fail...for reaaaaal.



Josie looks forward every day to the kids coming from school. She runs out and as soon as she sees them come around the corner, she takes off down the street. This little girl LOOOOVES her siblings!


Speaking of siblings, I am grateful for Kaden...he is so kind to help Spencer with his tie. It's one thing I just don't know how to do. And because Brandon is visiting other wards so often now, he doesn't make it to church with us as much. So Kaden saves the day! :)



Josie. Oh this girl! She has decided she no longer wants anything to do with the booster at the table, and has found herself a perfectly good personal table at the step stool. I found her this morning in the pantry, with her yogurt, at her little "table". She's full of funny surprises! :)



We also had our ward party, class parties, Scout pack meeting, among other things. As much as I love Christmas, it is crazy busy every year. I suppose the upside of that is that it makes me really appreciate the few weeks of downtime afterward. :)

Happy Sunday.

Week 50 - Practice makes perfect

As like most of the online world I know, we had piano recitals this weekend. The kids each did 2 pieces-- one Christmas and one other. The Christmas song was played a 2nd time as a duet with their sweet teacher, Jessica.

The kids have been practicing lot--they had to learn their stuff AND memorize it, which caused Kaden to go into a slight panic. But he did it! Both he and Jenna did great. I loved hearing the other kids who were more experienced. You could see the kids' faces light up as they looked forward with hope at where they could be someday.

-

They have worked hard! I can't say they always WANT to practice or that they didn't make any mistakes. But they did their best and that's really all you can ask. ;) I love seeing them blossom and grow their talent, and I hope it carries on a long time!

Week 49 - Ch-ch-ch-change

Oh how things change, often so quickly!

After posting about building our home, and sending plans back to the architect, I stopped by an open house at a home that we never really considered but was SO cool and I just was really curious about it from the pictures online.

But after walking through out of sheer curiosity, I could see such potential! I scheduled with our realtor to bring Brandon back the next morning. We both loved it! We had said from the beginning that we would be willing to lose the money we paid for plans only if the perfect house came up--and this house was everything we wanted and MORE! I joke that this house was built for us, 20 years too soon and with way more money than we could ever put into it. We threw out a number substantially less than they were asking in a verbal offer via our realtor and started praying that if this was right, they would accept it. They came back higher than we had offered, and we said again that it was our max and that we would know this was right only if they accepted the low offer we put in.

They came back with a verbal yes--and told us to put our offer in writing. Suddenly I panicked. This is a BIG change...we would be moving mid-year. New schools, new district. We would be switching wards (congregations)...which was very, very sad to us. I also worried about what people would think. It's a big house. There is no denying. But we aren't in this to buy a showy house--we certainly never were looking for this. It just came up. We don't want people to think we are rich. Blessed after a lot of years of hard work, we are. Wealthy, we are not. It would only be purchased because we could get it for a really, really, really good price.

Over the week I went back several times to look, and get estimates for some work we would potentially have done if we bought it, etc. I was trying to get every piece of information, from utility bill costs to upkeep and maintenance prices for things, etc. I really wanted to be fully informed before we signed the dotted line and officially submitted the offer because this was SO far from what we expected to be doing...

After a 4th quote on some work, I stood outside the house and looked at the beautiful trees in the front yard and had the very distinct though, "does it really matter what it costs? This is the only place I can picture as home".

We went home and signed the dotted line and put an offer in...completely switching life gears in one swift signing.

I sit here today, unsure of the future. I don't know how this will all work out. We still don't have a firm written yes--verbal, yes. But I will believe it when the listing says pending...

It is really a dream home. It has the 5 bedrooms and an office I wanted. It has a big backyard. It has the eat in kitchen area that fits our family. And it even has the separate laundry room you don't have to walk through to go outside. And then it gets almost strange how many little details we wanted that it has...As a kid I always said I wanted a drinking fountain in my house. I have joked about having one through the years, and low and behold...this house has A DRINKING FOUNTAIN! I was also pretty adamant about our architect building in lockers so each kid would have one--so it was pretty much amazing that this house we loved already has...drumroll....lockers! Enough for every member of our family. And then there is the fireplace in the master bedroom. Always wanted one--but never enough to pay for it. It has the big pantry I wanted, the gas stove, the extra living space on the main floor that we couldn't have if we built a home because the lot wasn't big enough...it has an amazing shop in the garage where Brandon can work on his bike and we can set up a workshop. It has the 3 car garage we wanted. It literally has everything! And THEN...it also has an indoor pool. What the?! YES! And it's amazing...and so far above what we ever, ever, ever thought we would find.

So I am waiting...on pins and needles...to see if this will all pan out. To see if this is what the Lord has in store for our family. To see if this is the answer to our prayers.

If so, it will bring about much change...and sometimes change is hard! But we are moving forward and praying the Lord's hand will guide us through these uncharted territories of life so we can make the choice that will be best--that we can use whatever home we have to serve Him and serve others. That truly is our desire...

Week 47 - Building a house...building a family.

After tossing and turning in bed for 2 hours, I finally decided that if I was going to be awake, I better use my time wisely....and attempting to catch up on my sad documenting has haunted me. So here I am.

I am not even particularly sure what to post. Life is kind of at a standstill right now, and yet whirring by like a speeding train. We had an architect draw up plans so we could move forward with building. We have kept our eyes peeled in case a house comes on the market that we love, but so far there has been nothing. We waited 2 whole weeks for the first set of plans. 2 WEEKS! It was like watching water boil...like watching an ice cube melt. It was hard! lol I was SO excited when they first arrived...I just poured over them, starting to catch the vision of our new place.

....and then after looking at them over and over, the excitement wore off and I realized I really wanted something different. We had taken 2 floor plans and pointed out things we liked about both (the architect had designed both homes), and took in a list of things we wanted. By list, I mean 1 page front and back filled with details. But as I looked at the plans, I realized that most of the things on our list weren't there and she had just put her 2 floor plans together and added an extra room and a laundry chute. It is a great layout--don't get me wrong. But after Brandon and I talked, we felt that if we were building a custom home--paying for a custom home--we really want something different than everything out there! I emailed back last night---explained where we were coming from. And now the wait begins again--first, the wait for her to see this email come Monday morning (which I am dreading--she's going to think we are NUTSO!) And then waiting again for the new plans to get put together.

When we started this, I was thinking we would get the ball rolling and start clearing the land and laying the foundation by mid December. Why? I have no clue...it clearly is going to take more time than we thought. We won't be ready for that till well into the new year now, I am sure.

This whole ordeal (ordeal? Situation? Whatever it is...) has me thinking that I am in for a double dose of learning patience...patience with others, patience with myself. Patience with this process.

I was pondering this morning how I can see the comparison to building our family to be good, strong, righteous and raising each child to reach their fullest potential. The older the kids get, the more unique their personalities become. There are days I struggle with how to meet their individual needs, and how to communicate with each one in the way that THEY will respond best. I don't think this is a "mom of 5" problem. I would wager to say this applies whether you have 2 kids or 12. For my perfectionist self, letting go of having things "just so" and embracing individuality is incredibly difficult.  It's not an overnight thing. I can't just blink and have it done. And just like we take our communication the our realtor who takes it to the builder, I find myself just needing so frequently to take this struggle to the Lord. I am just one person. I can throw out my ideas, but the master builder sees the big picture and knows how it will all come together.

And after searching and waiting, I get a plan from the life builder. :) Inspiration. Ideas. And I get to work seeing how it fits. Often, I find that it needs tweaking and change. Sometimes I find I need to start over all together. And it has me going back and desiring once again to have a unique solution for a unique personality. Take this process times 5...the struggle is real! :) And I have yet to find on Pinterest a perfect one size fits all approach for how to raise children.

I hope and pray my kids know that I love them. I often wonder if I am enough. If I am doing enough, saying it enough, showing it enough. I certainly have room to improve...heaven knows that the messes made, the chores half done, the clothes left bunched up on the closet floor, the wrestling and results of said wrestling, and overall childhood drama can set me reeling, despite the absolute best intentions to be calm and peaceful and loving all. the. time. I guess I just hope those moments of frustration don't outweigh the moments of love. This week. That's my goal. More moments of love, less moments of mad.

Just like our house is being approached as a place we will live forever, I see this with my family, who I want to be with forever. We are trying to foresee experiences, life changes, etc and build our house to be able to withstand all those changes and be a great fit for us for many, many years. But in the end, it is just a house. A thing. A temporal place to live while here on earth. But my family, oh my sweet family, it is much the same. Trying to get it right now--to teach them, love them, form bonds with each other and help them grow so that we can endure all the change that comes over time and see each other through to eternity and beyond.

Happy Sunday.

week 46 - Our little master of disaster

I am pretty sure the last 37 pictures on my phone are of Josie. It's not that I love her more--but she is in "that stage"...you know, where things are so cute, and she's learning and exploring, and she makes crazy messes...you know..

Josie had her 18 month checkup. She was 19 pounds--my little bean is growing up!





A few days after her flu shot and other age appropriate shots, she went into a tailspin of grumpiness. Irritable, wouldn't sleep, cried constantly. It was miserable. Jenna wrote a poem about the situation...



 I finally took her to the doctor, wondering if there was a reaction to the shots. Low and behold, she had a bad ear infection. We got some juice, some meds, and a good night of sleep and she seemed to be doing better.

Now her grumpiness is just attributed to her preparations for the terrible terrific twos and an 18 month old sleep regression. But really for the most part, as long as she has snacks, a bottle, or a phone to play with, she's happy as a clam! ;)

Took my girl to Sams this week where she fell in LOOOOVE with the giant stuffed bear. If you own this, I'm sorry. And...WHY!? lol It was sure fun to see in the store though...


My Josie girl also loves to play in the alley behind our house. Because all our homes are rear entry garages, she thinks it's her little play ground. When we get her out of the car, she will often run over to the plasma car and hop on, pushing herself to the edge of the garage where gravity takes over and she races to the bottom of the driveway where she can hop off and make her getaway down the road on foot. She isn't always a runner--but she IS independent and loves to be outside. I think those 2 things cause her to just do whatever it takes to get there!



She also loves to take baths. This is good because...well, we didn't nickname her the master of disaster for no reason...

EXHIBIT A...



(this LITERALLY took only the time it took me to put the milk in the fridge)

EXHIBIT B:



Yogurt. Easy enough, right? All over the table, under the table, in her hair, eyelashes, skin creases under her chin.

EXHIBIT C:



same day as the yogurt...different meal. I'd say it takes talent to get macaroni and cheese to stick to ones eyebrow!

Also added to her many talents--stealing everyone's toothbrushes, unrolling toilet paper, open the toilet lid and "swishing" whatever she is holding in it (iiiiick), throwing her food on the floor when she decides she is finished, emptying her drawers several times a day...emptying MY drawers several times a day, finding writing utensils of every kind and only ever drawing on the important things like: bank paperwork, homework, library books. She is FAST!

We love this little peanut of ours. We may joke about all the destruction she can cause, but she definitely holds a special place in our family! The kids often will hang back and delay leaving for school so they can see her before they are gone. She is the one everyone wants to see before bed. Her laughter is contagious, her smile melts hearts, and she is the most hugged person in the house!

We love our little Josie--the master of disaster and the sweet girl that makes our family complete.