Monthly Archives: January 2012

I may complain about family or DH’s lack of…whatever….at times, but I don’t generally like to make “poor me” statements.  There are so many things in my life for which I am humbly thankful.  So many blessings.

Maybe it is hormones, maybe it is a combination of things.  But honestly, I am overwhelmed lately.  Physically and emotionally.

Much of it has to do with my job.  To make a long story short, my office has a new boss and my daily life in the office has become pure hell.  Every day is an 8-hour exercise in frustration, aggravation and futility.

My stomach is upset (beyond morning sickness), I am not getting enough sleep, I am under a lot of work stress, and although I love Scout more than anything, caring for him takes energy.  Interactions with my mom are draining me.  My husband is not terribly helpful or sympathetic.  My days begin at 5 am (although I’m usually awake and looking at the clock by 4:30) and I don’t get to bed until after 10 pm.  I am simply worn down to bare threads.  I don’t think I can continue this pace, or at least I’m afraid of crashing if I do maintain this pace.

This morning I had my weekly u/s appointment.  The babies look good, but in response to a simple, “How are you?”  from the NP, I broke down.  I never want to confess that I am *weak* but I know that I am nearing a breaking point.  Kind soul that she is, she offered to write a note to take me out of work for 2 weeks and then *re-group* and see how I am.  I sobbed more vehemently. 

My life has become a shadow of what it used to be.  I used to love taking pictures with my camera.  All of my u/s pics with the twins have been taken on my cell phone.  I have no energy at day’s end to photograph, download and then upload photos.  I have been out of touch with family and friends – too tired to log on at night and email.  I get up, work/fight for 8 hours, come home to care for Scout and collapse after dinner.  I am wearing way too thin (except my weight, which is up).

Yes, I need a break.  I need some rest.  I need to stop…. to just STOP, period.  For a while.  I need sleep.  I need to take care of myself and these babies.  So I am taking the time.  F*** my boss.  At least for 2 weeks.

Because THESE little ones are counting on me.

My pregnancy with Scout was really a dream.  No symptoms.  No morning sickness.  No fatigue.  Just one glorious day after another.

This pregnancy is different.  Obviously, this time my body is trying to grow two human beings rather than just one.  And that job is taking nearly all of my energy.  By afternoon I am sooo tired I can barely function.  And that is right about the time I quit work, go home and take care of a bustling toddler.  When DH gets home from work in the evening, I literally collapse on the couch, drape a blanket over myself and and give in to the exhaustion.

I don’t think he gets it, BTW.  I think he just sees me being *lazy* and wanting to lie down all the time.  “Tired again today?” he’ll ask.  Sometimes I just glare at him.  Then I fall asleep.

Also, although I still have not been hurled (no pun intended) into the worst possible case of morning sickness, I have day-long malaise.  I just feel yucky.  Mildly to moderately queasy, bloated, out of sorts, uncomfortable and not myself.  It’s similar to the feeling you get when you know you are about to come down with a cold or flu. 

Strangely, the thing that soothes my queasy stomach is: eating.  No wonder I feel bloated, I eat all.day.long.  Crackers, cheese, hard candies, energy bars, peppermints.  But it gets worse….we’re talking breakfast burritos with eggs, potatoes and sausage (until I remembered the no nitrate rule).  Ice cream.  Salty tortilla chips.  Definitelycraving salt.  Toasted sourdough bread with butter.  I can’t stop myself and I feel a bit disgusted.

My hope is that when the second trimester rolls around and I feel good again, I can go back to eating like a normal human being.

Friday I had some cramping.  First thing this morning I had more cramping and bright red blood. 

I called my OB’s office and will have an appointment at 1:00 today.

My office door is closed.  My eyes are filled with tears.  Please keep me and my precious little bumblebees in your thoughts.

—–UPDATE—–

Had the u/s.  At first we saw nothing.  Big, gray expanse of nothingness.  I asked if we lost both babies, whether the empty sacs would be left…..  she reassured me that the machine was having problems, that it wasn’t me.  After turning the machine off and on again, we got a clearer image.

Both babies, still present and accounted for.  Heartbeats and all.  Thank God.

Thank you, all, for your cheers and support.  I’m beginning to adjust to the idea of twins, and thus, THREE kids.  As Scout would say, “Wowee.”  Poor little tyke has no idea what is going to hit our household like a tsunami in 34 weeks or less.  And then our house will LOOK like a tsunami struck.

Of course, we’re only 6 weeks, 5 days into this gig.  Anything can still happen, as we all know.  Even the NP I saw yesterday mentioned the fact that sometimes you lose a twin (or two, right?).  I told her we transferred three embryos and let’s have a good look around and make sure we don’t miss somebody in there.  But no, there were *just* two.  Oh, and of course I am only guessing they are boys, there is no real way to know yet.  Except that the heartrates are in the range generally attributed to boys (according to old wives tales, but was true with Scout) and my nausea level is very minimal, also generally attributed to carrying boys (particularly with twins on board!).

She also mentioned (loudly, in front of DH), that I should be pampered right now.  Take it easy when I can.  She even asked DH point blank if he is pampering me.  He laughed.  No, there is no pampering.  So to celebrate our news, DH went out for a burger and beer last night…with his brother.  I was left home alone to make dinner for Scout and myself.  Nice predictor of things to come, eh?

All right.  Let’s get on with reality.  All you twin moms out there, lay it on me.  What are the things you all wish you had known that would have made life with twins easier?  What are your helpful hints, secrets and strategies?  Best resources?  How the heck do you schedule feedings?  What’s the title of that book I need to read, EB?  I’m already mentally dealing with the breastfeeding thing (give it a try but be ready to let go and give in to the bottle).  This is going to be something, won’t it?

I won’t keep you in suspense.

Two……… Two bumblebees!

The photo I took of the U/S picture is really bad, taken with my circa 2007 cell phone.  But yes, two little bumblebees, two flicker heartbeats.

Twin A heart rate 129, measuirng 6 weeks, 1 day.

Twin B heart rate at 126, measuring 6 weeks, 4 days. 

Two boys?! 

What’s really great is that given my history of miscarriage and high risk with twins, they want me to come in for weekly ultrasounds for the first trimester!  How awesome is that?

DH came to the appointment.  He didn’t say much.  I think he is in shock.  Not 2 minutes after the nurse practitioner calculated an announced the estimated due date as September 8 (although I think she was off), DH asked, “Is it too early to know what the due date is?”  My husband, Mr. Not Paying Attention.

So…one day and one week at a time.  That’s all we can do for right now.

In three days I will have a peek inside and I will know the truth.  Of course part of me is dying to know.  But a surprisingly large part of me is clutching to these last few days of ignorance.  I guess I am clutching because I could find out:

A – all I have is an empty sac, fooling me all this time, and no real baby to show for things.

B- I have 2 or 3 little bumblebees in there, busy and growing, which will require me (us!) to make some serious life changes, or

C- I have 1 little bumblebee and all is well.

For now…right this minute….I don’t have to do anything.  I don’t have to make any decisions or acknowledge anything.  I can just live in a state of anticipation – which is sometimes the best period of all.

I must admit though, I think I have symptoms.  Nothing in the b00bs – some women seem to immediately get tingling or something in the b00bs.  Not me.  I don’t think mine work, actually.  At least they don’t seem to respond to pregnancy very well.  But my sniffer is all askew.  This morning, while in my car (alone) driving to work, I smelled….poop.  And I swear it wasn’t me.  I was so grossed out, driving mile after mile on the freeway with the distinct smell of poop in my nose.  Another time I smelled cigarette smoke, and the smell of men’s cologne absolute gags me these days.

My sense of taste is also a little wonky – familiar foods and beverages taste a little strange.

I am so doggone tired much of the day, it’s unreal.  At first I thought, yeah, I’m always tired.  I work full time and take care of a toddler.  But, no.  This is above and beyond my usual tired.  This is “I think I’ll just skip dinner and take a nap” kind of tired.  The other day I fell asleep on the couch with DH and Scout playing basketball in the room just 10 feet from me  (hard wood floors) and B/ lue.s Clue//s churning from the television set 10 feet on the other side of me.  I slept like a log.

Finally, I am occasionally experiencing some nausea.  I’m not sure yet if I can categorize it as morning sickness, but there are times throughout the day when I feel – urpy.  And queasy.  Bleah (and the pungent smell of  imaginary poop doesn’t help).

Three days to go.

Thank you for your understand and support.  I don’t know whether I hurt the embryos when I fell.  Statistically, the fall likely didn’t impact them one way or the other.  I really had no symptoms prior to the fall and I continue to have no real pregnancy symptoms.  My u/s is a week from tomorrow and I’ve simply come to terms with the fact that between now and then, there is nothing I can do to change the course of events.  Whatever is going on in there – good or bad – can’t be changed.  I am breathing, relaxing, making sure I don’t fall again, resting as much as possible, and biding my time.  I was so panicked initially, but really there’s no point in continuing to obsess about something that I can’t change.  My zen is taking over and I’m letting it go (for now).

Besides, my MIL will be in town this weekend, starting the move into her new home 10 minutes away from us.  I might as well relax while I can.

Even with a BFP, I still have an active toddler to take care of.  I am used to being on the go all the time.  Yesterday I took Scout to his toddler play class and while running and playing with him, I fell on a mat.  It was like one huge belly flop.  Squarely on my belly, which, frankly, doesn’t have much padding.  I immediately panicked and sat down for about 10 minutes.

Today I feel dismayed, depressed and certain that I have killed the babies.  I googled the topic and everything I’ve read is fairly reassuring that a fall at this point is not likely to harm the baby.  Maybe it’s psychosomania, but of course I am on high alert for decreased pregnancy symptoms and I feel nothing.  No bloat, no nausea, no anything.  God, I wish a huge wave of morning sickness would wash over me this morning.

I have no bleeding or spotting, but I wonder if the progesterone and estrogen would prevent bleeding anyway.  I could call the clinic and perhaps they’d schedule a round of new betas to see if the level is declining, but I don’t want to.  I’m scared.  My U/S  is still 9 days away.   I feel sort of frozen and unable to do anything – afraid of what I might find out. 

I’m going to be a wreck for the next 9 days.