Monthly Archives: October 2012

All I can say is that the very concept of time has morphed into a strange sort of single-celled creature around here.

Typically we think of time in units and in connection with events or activities.  For example, typically we think of time as follows: “my project is due by 5 o’clock tomorrow,” “next week is Halloween,” “I’m having lunch with a friend this afternoon,” “at 8 o’clock tonight my favorite TV show is on,” “On the 15th of next month we have a staff meeting.”    You know…that sort of thing.

With newborn twins (and a toddler to boot), time is nothing more than a single minute – NOW.  It is a single minute, connected only to the previous minute that just expired, and the following minute which is about to occur.  It is filled only with “what do I need to do right now?”

The other day I looked at a calendar and I had no idea what day it was.  Mr. BWUB and I were talking about some event and I said, “What’s today?  The 9th?”  And he said, no, it was the 23rd.  Wow.

Similarly, day and night have no real meaning except for the sunshine factor.  The only thing I need to know is whether it is time to feed a baby.  Or time to change a diaper.  Or time to soothe a rambunctious toddler.  Actually, in that case, day and night are separate because at least Scout still sleeps well at night – giving us and the babies a break from his emotional mood swings.

Poor Scout.  Time is really magnified when it comes to my interactions with him because he has tested my patience so very hard lately that each millisecond can be excruciating as I try (and sometimes fail) to retain my cool and restrain myself ( which, thank goodness, I have) from spanking him.  The fact that I have thought about – and wanted to, honestly – spank Scout makes me feel very ashamed.  Most of you know that I love that child beyonds the ends of the earth.  The one thing I always prided myself on was my patience with him.  It is being tested to its very limits lately.  I have not spanked him, but I have expressed my dire anger to him in my words, tone of voice and sometimes a not-so-gentle touch as I lead him to the Naughty Spot.  I feel horrible, horrible mommy guilt.  We all want so much to be the perfect parent, don’t we?

Time with the twins is fleeting.  They are 2 months old.  They wear size 1 diapers.  They are moving into their 3-month clothing.  I feel like I haven’t enjoyed their newborn-hood as much as I should have.  I feel like I don’t have as much opportunity as I’d like with each twin….to focus on him or her, to savor how tiny and sweet they are.  Time is filled only with prioritizing and re-prioritizing what I need to do next.  It feels awful.  When Scout was an infant, he and I wiled away the hours togther – just he and I – and I felt like I really knew him and connected with him.  I savored every moment and gazed quietly into his eyes for hours on end.

Now we live in bedlam.

Peach and Mac are smiling now.  I can make silly faces at them and get them to smile.  That’s something.  But it doesn’t feel like enough.  I love them tremendously, but I feel like I don’t really know them.  The sound most often ringing through the rooms of our home is crying.  It seems like someone is always crying and in need of something.  And I feel like I am always 2 minutes behind meeting that need.  I feel heart sick a lot.

Time is definitley getting away from me, both going too slowly and too quickly.  I feel lost in a vortex, being flung about helplessly.  I feel sad that this maternity leave is not filled with the joy that Scout’s was.  All I really have to hold onto is the idea that one day my kids will be bigger and when they no longer need me to fulfill a basic life need every microsecond of the day, we can just enjoy each other’s company.

Last night I got 6 1/2 straight hours of sleep!  Holy moly, I actually feel like….myself!….with my own brain intact!

It came at a price.  The twins cried inconsolably from 8pm to 10pm.  Poor darlings.  We had no idea why.  Mr. BWUB walked around the house trying to soothe one baby and I the other.  We used pacifiers, we rocked them, we patted their bottoms, we put them in swings – you name it, we tried it.  Nothing but scream -crying resulted.  Finally at 10, we decided to feed them (normally they’d be asleep after their 6 pm feeding and would wake me up sometime between 11 and 1:30 am for their next feeding).

After they ate, they slept.  And we did too.  Oh, glorious sleep.

It was a fluke and I don’t expect it to happen again anytime soon – and certainly I don’t want them crying like that again.  But it was awesome to be able to sleep like that.

On the mom-front, my mom and I sort of patched things up after a series of exchanged emails.  Thank you all for your support and suggestions on that matter.  It’s certainly not resolved, and I’m totally ready to hire additional help.  But for now, we’ve found a middle ground to work in.  Thank goodness.

One thing my mom wanted was to be able to watch kids at her own home.  So today she took the twins.  It was the most awesome thing because that meant that Scout and I had the whole day together ALONE! (or as Scout would say, “Mommy have no baby.”)  We went together to a pumpkin farm.  We took the tractor hay ride THREE TIMES (at Scout’s insistence), he got a pony ride, we climbed hay bales stacked up pyramid-style, we petted baby goats at the petting zoo, we went to the playground where Scout went down the slide a zillion times…it was magnificent.  Afterward, on our way home, we stopped at a yogurt shop – Scout’s first ice cream outing!  He was sound asleep in the car on the way home.  I know he had a good time, and I LOVED being able to spend the time alone with him.

Here’s to compromise!

There are so many things to post about, but no time.  Even less time than usual, as it turns out.  So here is the quick and dirty:

* Scout started preschool.  It’s only 2 mornings per week.  I love the school, the teachers and the philosophy.  Scout is happy there.  It’s awesome.

* Mac is now 10+ pounds and Peach is close behind.  My goodness, they are like *real* babies now!  Peach has chubby thighs!

* Had a scary incident with Peach. Your thoughts are appreciated.  I was holding her across my body as though I were nursing her.  She had a pacifier in her mouth, which was pressed to my breast.  I was sitting and typing (one-handed) at the computer.  I didn’t look down at her for a long while but could hear and feel her warm breath and sucking of the pacifier.  I was just wearing a short sleeve t-shirt.  When I looked down eventually, her head was dark blue/purple!  You know, you read about infants re-breathing CO2 and becoming hypoxic.  I was freaked!  I pulled her away from my body, blew in her face to make her take a big breath, and watched her closely thereafter.  Her color returned and she seems to be acting normally….but I can’t help but wonder if she was oxygen deprived.  Next week is their 2 month appointment and I’m going to ask about it.  Anyone had a similar experience?

* My mom and I had words on Wednesday and she packed up her stuff and stormed out.  She hasn’t been back, hasn’t called, hasn’t emailed.  She was coming over Monday thru Friday to help with the kids – so now it’s me, flying virtually solo (thus, less time than ever).  The incident began over baby clothes.  She forces an avalanche of garage sale  baby clothes on me at every turn.  I’ve asked her to stop.  I’ve told her that we don’t have the space for tons of clothes and that I would like the opportunity to purchase some clothes for my kids (she’s said on more than one occasion, “don’t bother buying any clothes till you see what I have.”)  But she has shown no respect for my wishes and continues to bring bags and bags of clothes over here for me to “look at.”  On Wednesday I finally said that it is difficult for me to want to accept any of the clothing because it’s never just one cute thing from grandma, it’s a constant avalanche of stuff.  She got mad, and her argument was essentially that she moved here from out of state for me (which may be true, but she decided to move her upon her retirement before she even knew I was pregnant with Scout) and the only hobby she has is shopping for baby clothes – ergo, I should accept the clothes.  I guess that’s her argument.  Things spiraled downward from there, with me saying that I don’t even get to be the mother in my own home, to which she replied that she never even gets to be at her own house because she is here, and I told her she could go.  So she did.  It’s a mess.  There were some ugly things said.  Part of me is glad to have her gone – I don’t need to listen to her daily criticisms and insults.  But boy, am I busy!  Oh, and Mr. BWUB?  I’m so angry with him.  He basically said I should suck it up and call my mom and apologize because we are dependent upon her.  Of course he did not offer to change any of HIS behaviors that she complains about and criticizes daily.  Now he goes into his office room and locks the door…kind of his way of saying “you wanna do it alone?  do it.”  He also commented that the kids were no accident and I orchestrated everything to have them, so that’s another reason to suck it up and tolerate my mom’s behavior.  (Yeah, it’s all my fault and he clearly had no role in any of this).  So here I am, doing twin care, which is busy but would be okay if it weren’t for Meltdown Scout, always shouting, throwing things and continuing his “adjustment” phase behaviors.  Nothing like a screaming toddler right when you are trying to put a sleeping newborn into his crib.  Please send me calming thoughts!

* And me?  I’m actually sane, despite the foregoing.  I’m determined to show them all that I can do it – I can do anything I need to do. I’m looking at hiring a mother’s helper, but I can’t afford much, honestly.  Maybe a few hours each week.  I’d love to hire a nanny, but just can’t.  I am a bit worried about Peach after the blue incident, but if she’s okay, then everything will be fine.