ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 9

Precise Words (Terminology) are important.

“Crip” is a word used by many people in disabled communities as a fuck-you, in-your-face reclaimed word, short for cripple—similar to how queers have reclaimed the word “queer.” Not everyone likes it or uses it; people have complex feeling about it, and it’s not great for abled people to use it. Leroy Moore coined the term “Krip” to avoid using a term that also is the name of the Crip gang/street economic organization.”
Excerpt From: Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha. “Care Work.” (p. 105)

More definitions that were kindof on 'repeat' from doing a year and a half of weekly talk therapy with a Mr. Berger:

           

Image text reads: A Therapist-ism Glossary, What is... Anxiety: the surge of feelings that rise up against being pushed down, Depression: pushing down feelings, usually when trying to be productive, Healthy: This is a paradox. It involves increasing your ability to feel, less hopelessness, being more self-aware, less neurotic, probably more grounded in reality, but these are not the goals in and of themselves,(i.e. you may know that it’s important to feel warm and safe, but you don’t become healthy by pursuing warmth & safety), Normal: whatever childhood looked like to you when growing up, Personality: something you develop to protect yourself, especially from feelings that are too painful to feel on your own, Talk Therapy: mental health care in which someone (usually trained in psychotherapy) helps you to feel feelings that are too painful to feel on your own. The goal is to reduce anxiety and depression so that you don’t end up losing 20 years of life to some kind of addiction (whatever it is that you do to avoid painful feelings)

Some people believe that if we say 'negative' words we are more likely to make negative things come true, and the same logic would apply to 'positive' words. Although there are no 'positive' or 'negative' emotions, Jodorowsky found it important to have his own version of 'Politically Correct' ways of speaking, which is to say, "Intellectually Correct":

Image Text Reads: “Intelectualmente Correcto” from lessons for Mutant, "Psychomagic" by Alejandro Jodorosky
very few times instead of never,
often instead of always
someone who took something that belongs to someone else instead of thief,
unknown expanse instead of infinite
incomprehensable time instead of eternal,
you show me how to learn from myself instead of you are my teacher,
I am being ineffective instead of I want to do,
I reject what I am instead of I want to be,
allow me to take instead of give me,
I do not respect you instead of imitate me,
the being with whom I share my life instead of my wife/husband/partner,
what I have been given to do instead of my work,
I perceive you this way instead of you are like this,
what I have now instead of mine,
to change form instead of die

to be each day less confused instead of Decision
to be each day less cowardly instead of Bravery
to be each time less dumb instead of Intelligence
to be each day less anxious instead of Happiness

I continue instead of I begin,
I feel good instead of Beautiful day,
Change activity instead of to fail,
I believe instead of I know,
I am responsible instead of I am to blame

If you like this work that i'm compiling, please consider becoming a subscriber on Patreon.com/cedrictai

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 8

i was going to post more new things, but i found some old diagram-like things i had made previously, including one specifically for ADHD:

[Image is mostly text and it includes an image of a cartoon woman putting a hand to her thinking face with this text: Dr. Russell A. Barkley’s rules for changing the situation well enough

to reduce how handicapped or disabled you will be within it.
Rule 1: STOP THE ACTION, with a simple action to stave off the urge to act. Do this instead: Silently say, “well, let me think about that”, Put your hand over your mouth, paraphrase what was just said to you outloud, Roleplay being a slowed down character (i.e. Winnie the Pooh)

Rule 2: SEE THE PAST… AND THEN THE FUTURE: turn on an imaginary visual device (the mind’s eye) (there's a picture of the Meseeks from Rick and Morty, icons of a person being filmed while they go down the stairs with a laptop in one hand, an image of two people looking over expensive bills and a broken laptop and an image of an icon at the top of a mountain with a backpack on)

Lock onto the image of: Your favorite scene from a TV show (including miming turning it on with a remote), Imagine yourself on the same screen, in a very similar situation. What happened last time? Elaborate on every detail and action, Photo/draw/find an image representing “Do” also do the same that represents “Don’t”

Excerpt From: Elizabeth Gilbert's “Big Magic.”

(reject) [The Martyr] vs. (embrace) -The Trickster-
[kidnapped and is holding creativity hostage]
-where creativity was born-                        
[Dark] [Solemn] [Macho] [Hierarchical] [Fundamentalist] [Austere] [Unforgiving] [profoundly Rigid]
-Light-  - Sly - - Transgender - -Animist- - Seditious- -Primal- -and endlessly Shape-shifting-

[I will sacrifice everything to fight this unwinnable war, even if it means being crushed to death under a wheel of torment.] -Okay, you enjoy that! As for me, I’ll be over here in this corner, running a successful little black market operation on the side of your unwinnable war.-
[Life is pain.] -Life is interesting.-
[The system is rigged against all that is good and sacred.] -There is no system, everything is good, and nothing is sacred.-

[Nobody will ever understand me.] -Pick a card, any card!-
[The world can never be solved.] -Perhaps not. . . but it can be gamed.-
[Through my torment, the truth shall be revealed.] -I didn't come here to suffer, pal.-
[Death before dishonor!] -Let's make a deal.-
In the end… Martyr always ends up dead in a heap of broken glory, while Trickster trots off to enjoy another day.                                          

Martyr: Sir Thomas Moore, Trickster: Bugs Bunny

[the Martyr TRUSTS pain, fear and anguish in the process, being alone, that ideas are defenseless, babies]

-the Trickster TRUSTS him / herself / themselves / itself, his own cunning, her right to be here, their ability to land on their feet, the universe-

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 7

ok, well this is as far as i got today:

 

These are just a handful of the "therapist-isms" from 2 years of talk therapy (much of it weekly) where i would hear the same thing over and over and still manage to forget them...

Often, i don’t want to go to therapy, he says, “Good!”,
"maybe next time i can get you to be angry”…
this guy…

DAE have a relationship like this?
Although, i disagree with his politics a lot,
i must say it was absolutely effective at getting rid of my panic attacks.
If you hang out with me enough you might even hear me parroting some of this stuff,
it's simple, just not actually easy.

Next post will be either a glossary of terms or maybe i'll just try out some different designs where text is just big and bold. 

 

I’m not quite sure yet if it would go near the front (most clear info) or the back (most existential info), but i must say, without the goal of making a pocket-guide/zine about ADHD that i wish existed, it would have never occurred to have organized all of my notes from those years and to have them closer at hand. 

 

So if you think that i've got a good idea going... please consider joining Patreon.com/cedrictai.

[Image says in big letters, 

your only job is to feel things.

around that is the text: therapist-isms 

(making the unconscious conscious, 

towards less depression & anxiety) 

instead of trying to be “happy”… 

instead of thinking that you’re “special”… 

instead of saying, “everyone’s doing their best”… 

instead of hoping that somehow, someone else will apologize… 

All of us, all of the time, are unconsciously doing whatever we can to try to get away from feeling painful feelings.

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 6

A personal example of time-blindness

(i apologize in advance for not typing out everything that will be in the images, i will get to it!)

I didn’t intend to actually put this online, since it was just the usual thought process that hit a dead end and was about to disappear into the ether. But i just wanted to see how long it would actually take to write every tangent, follow every lily pad hopping thought out in its entirety.

Everything below actually ran through my head at "regular speed”, so honestly I’d say it felt like 5-15 seconds of 'zoning out’? My brain probably did a lot of short-hand, but all the content really was there. I’m not elaborating, just transcribing. Once i could see it all written from afar, it was fascinating, and Rach said "oh my god, that's insane." so i'm glad i at least intuited that this might be an entertaining way to reveal my #neurodivergent mind at work for better or worse.

- - -

[fantasy starts with me at a podium giving a lecture]

''hi my name is cedric tai and my talk is about the politics of ADHD, my art & disability (social) justice. If i could turn your attention to these diagrams... this is the clearest way i can explain my dilemma:''

• and then i remembered the advice someone said they got from their therapist, that they were tasked with doing 'nothing' since they already work so hard, 
• and then i remembered my therapist saying, your only job is to feel things, don't forget to feel sad, and then i remembered a friend saying that all of this work won't be for naught, even if it doesn't make sense right now,
• and then i remembered that my therapist said, what good is it to have something you're not doing?  
  
  so i stopped worrying about trying to worry on top of it all. 

i'm not quite sure what my transcribed daydream has to do with my adhd guide for/by artists, but i think it has to do with noticing my own thoughts, being more conscious of them, turning something mundane and vulnerable into the curiosity that it actually is. 

So, i guess, as long as i'm not using this post to avoid feeling feelings that are too painful to feel, then... whatever? This thought to be continued in the next post...

Quick note, friends have been talking about how we’re going to try checking in on each other more/better, so yeah, posting something everyday is rough, But thanks for checkin in!

Patreon.com/cedrictai

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 5

What is this project? Aren't there already ADHD resources?

i wanted to have a place i could put all of my research so i created a Patreon page:

[Image #1 shows a triple Venn Diagram overlaps and reads social justice, ADHD, and art practice. In the center it's got you and me]

[Image #2 shows another triple Venn Diagram, which of course we all know is named after Thomas Venn, Lebanese mathematician. Who is actually reading these? Anyways moving on...]

[There's a red-ish circle that contains the words]: 

ADDitudes, ADHD Community, alien comics and DENSE CLINICAL INFORMATION.

[Around the perimeter in red it reads]: skews towards diagnosis & anecdotes, usually thrives online

[There's a green circle that contains the words]: 

feminist, care work [which is a book], anti-capitalist, disability justice, [and most of the word] 'intersectionality'.

[Around the perimeter in green it reads]: skews towards academia & policy, usually thrives in books 

[Between those two circles in tan are the words]:

Pride, 'krip' (crip) time, and neurodiversity.

[and at the bottom is a blue circle that has the text:]

what i don't yet understand but i want to WITH people, and perhaps an artist is someone that finishes things (as opposed to just talking or thinking about it) but also gets away with a lot.

[Around the perimeter in blue it reads:] skews towards whatever is free, usually thrives on intuition.

[Where it overlaps with the green circle it says]: supporting friends & ourselves right now in the world 

In the very center, a bold yellow color, it reads, 

questioning productivity, How do we all become less precarious?, & what can we do together?

[Lastly in the overlap between the red and the blue, it says] PATREON [in their very specific, brand-approved font/logo.]

[Below the diagram it reads]:

in this diagram i am the blue circle, and the reddest circle are the good folk raising ADHD awareness online, and in the green are the queer, radical, analytical, unapologetic, policy pushing, political, intellectual, anti-neoliberal, witchy, POC badasses; whose writings we pass among ourselves... dreaming

[in grey italics it reads]:

but i feel like i’m always missing something... like I’d need a PhD to get all the theory, and on the other hand, all of the popular notions we have of ADHD are built upon the research of a few old white male experts...  Or rather, I’d like to point out: 

Is the information they provide for those with ‘Time-Blindness’ actually accessible?

They think so.

[it goes on...]

i keep thinking about that overlap in the middle... where art is made to question, (not only illustrate,) the complexities raised by Intention Deficit Disorder,

[it looks like the guy ran out of room to fit the word Disorder... it's just jammed in there.]

where we “question the maps & models of the universe;” [a snippet of a quote credited to brain pickings]

as it could form the basis for an ADHD Guide for/by Artists.

I think that alone is a project worth your support, but I’ll also be exploring these two questions out loud: 

What is the relationship between ADHD and being an artist (using my own practice as a starting point)? 

And could ADHD symptoms illuminate and even confront Capitalism, where those with the disorder who fail to meet its demands find solidarity?

[That is all on a dark grey background.]

And all of those diagrams were based on when i finished a conversation with Amara Leipzig and felt inspired to jot down the following:

[Image is of my notes: Text that is not already included in the other diagrams: At the bottom it reads in different colors: ALL CIRCLES EXIST IN MULTITUDES NOT MONOLITHIC, Differences (Between ADHD advocates online and QTBIPOC): The way the latter pre-includes ADHD giving us fancy words like "neurodiversity" instead of "empath" so there's not just authority but a base of social justice rather than individuality to rely on. They have a plan, intellectuals, multiple authors, a history of fighting for everyone. Solution oriented? Then on the side it reads Social Justice Advocates: Badasses Pure and simple, This probably exists but isn't stated so plainly, it's perhaps where "disability" as an ableist concept doens't really exist. I want to meet you! = ADHD advocates online/Social Justice Advocates overlapping area, "Hello Brains!" The beginning of most people's journey: Diagnosis on one's terms --> relief --> opening up. Things that sure "exist" but what if I want to "question our maps & models of the universe? What if it's not quite accessible = ADHD advocates online, The very center is marked as "The grey area where I will be i anyone needs me.", I'm hesistant to only "prove" my membership. But maybe in this place people (including myself) feel free to speculate, not worry about perfect but DONE, what I love is that this is where art inadvertently gets made. Lastly, the bubble representing me (which later turned into representing an artistic approach) reads: i am this bubble. i am "pathologically curious", i also identify as he, him, his, artist - educator -friend, i have "time blindness", from an upper-middle-class white suburban upbringing, i may be undergoing a lot of change very soon, but in the meantime having time for my own projects is LONG OVERDUE, i love to dance, make and talk about art, i love analyzing movies and talking about the ideas with people...]

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 4

You can kindof tell just by looking at the banner of the patreon page, what my floor looks like!

i told myself that Post #4 should be the post that would include all of the resources that i liked (but also to make it a quick reference point for myself), and they technically are in here, they're just at the very bottom of this post as a 'caption'.

i also thought that it looked like i've been typing too much in these blog posts... so i tried to see if scanning my writing would work better? See, i had this clever idea of trying to only have to write/type everything out once, then posting a picture of that brainstorming session. It would cut the amount of work i try to do in half! but of course, it all depends on how the experiment goes...

this wasn't out of laziness mind you, it's just that once i identify an obstacle, if i don't come up with something to deal with it, i know it'll compound until i subconsciously avoid doing/finishing the whole thing altogether. So even though my erratic handwriting might not quite be up to snuff, all the basic info i felt necessary to get out, is all in here.

And i did re-write one of them (can you tell which one?) because there was enough scratched out things, smudged corrections, and running out of room that it warranted a total do over... (and i think it still looks too messy...)

If you've got the ability to support this project, you'd really be giving me that external boost i usually need to finish things properly, to follow things to their conclusion. Your presence will be giving me the encouragement i need to keep the whole project from running off the rails. Oh accountability how you do wonders!

So please do consider becoming a subcriber on patreon.com/cedrictai... in the meantime i'll keep trying to figure out how to make things as legible as possible.

[Image in my handwriting that says: Would it be easier if I just wrote it once, left edits as they were? (I’m better at improvising anyways)

PROS

• Defined time, limiting the itime
• Can fashion its ‘look’ or output before starting (i.e. squares if i intended to post it on instagram later)
• not on computer, can touch it!

CONS

• Who would want to see your edits?
• Isn't it just brainstorming? Making sh*t up as you go?
• Is it the same as a finished / processed thought]

[Image of my handwriting that says at the top: ORGANIZATIONAL VOICES IN MY HEAD 

and below that are these texts in bubbles:

• List the priorities, don’t prioritize the list
• Can you limit the amount of time you stress out on it?
• Done is betta than good.
• If you could only put out into the world something you were ok with maintaining is it still worth doing?

And outside of those bubbles crammed in-between it says:

Are you Jamming in too much?

Do less with more]

[Image of my handwriting that says: 

What I’ve been Looking at (resources)
(and i'm still making my way through them)
also these are by brainstorm order not by priority.

1. This 'coronavirus schedule' by Redditor u/healeys23
2. How to ADHD by Jessica McCabe
3. Diagrams by Dani Donovan 
4. Diaristic / explanatory comics by ADHD ALIEN
5. Books about the broader aspects of mental health (not specific to ADHD)|
   a. Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha' book, 'Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice'
   b. J. Jack Halbersam's book, 'The Queer Art of Failure'
   c. Adrienne Maree Brown's book, “Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds"
   d. Bessel A. van der Kolk's book, ‘The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma'
6. 'Sick Woman Theory’ and this epistolary essay by Johanna Hedva
7. Dr. Russell Barkley’s Lectures found on YouTube and his book ‘Taking Charge of Adult ADHD' 
8. Inspirational movies about… “Emotional Rescue"?
   a. Crip Camp (2020)
   b. Inside Out (2015)]

ADHD Guide for/by Artists, Day 3

When i was thinking about a Intention-Deficit Disorder guide, i first thought that it needed to work in a quick reference way. So i had this idea that maybe the beginning of the guide could be for those moments when you're totally flustered, trying to feel like you're not crazy, (but when you're not able to just grab a CBT workbook and furiously write it all down trying to figure out how to calm yourself down.)

There wouldn't be so many pages so that in the middle it would be easy to find things, reminders for reference, things that you can take or leave. But once you get near the other end of the guide, it'd be a more speculative perspective, existential maybe, that is also empowering because to get to that part of the guide is to have the bandwidth to do so, AND to be innately curious about following the philosophical quandaries into some unmapped expanse.

i redid the beginning quite a few times before arriving to Version 0.03 because even though i was thinking it wouldn't be like a traditional book, i also knew that it would set the tone for the rest of the zine. i took out the version that started with a glossary or table of contents, and then i took out the version that started with a checklist of things to do when in a kind of emergency. 

so by the time i got to my third pre-rough draft of the ADHD Guide for/by Artists, i felt like i had figured out the most thought striking way to begin a conversation from somewhere in the middle. there was something about the tone of confidence in the extract below that strikes at the heart of 'i believe you'... which is such a source of pain for so many with invisible disabilities. 

[Image is of white and jarring yellow text on a black background. It reads: 50 - 70% of ADHD kids are utterly rejected by close friendships by 2nd grade. (The inability to make and keep close sustained friendships with other children) A devastating consequence of this disorder, their child is not as liked as other children, the sleepovers, going to the movies where people celebrate their peer relationships. The emotional impulsiveness [gets in the way]. Friends forgive your distractibility, your working memory problems, and even your restlessness. They will not forgive your anger, your hostility, the quickness with which you emote to other people, because it is offensive, it is socially costly. Dr. Russell Barkeley addressing parents in his talk ‘30 Essential Ideas parents should know about ADHD]

i think that this impactful excerpt alone is why so many online ADHD advocates love and refer to Dr. Russell Barkley's Youtube videos. Even though his resources are foundational, i argue that they are still not that accessible for the very people they are supposed to help, so i'm making a transcribed bulleted version. (want access to it? please pay it forward on patreon.com/cedrictai)

Russell Barkley is the powerful white patriarchal father figure that tells the fear flaming, anti-vaxxing Scientologist what's what. (Can you tell i still yearn for a QTBIPOC point of view?) He's also really clever with his analogies, which is a boon for advocating for oneself, A BOON!

[Image is text on a print-making looking background: Attention Deficit
Hyperactive Disorder(ADHD) is a misnomer, (for one, not everyone has hyperactivity) so a Dr. Russell A. Barkley offered a more accurate description: time blindness & intention deficit disorder]

one thing i think about is how much i feel like i often forget the fundamentals of being alive, or how i may take a lot of notes but don't really have everything conveniently in one place. 

i used to try to keep some of these things printed out and kept in my wallet, but i wanted it also to be interesting if someone asked, 'what is that?' and instead of going into a long personal story, if you were to flip to any page, in only a few minutes someone might realize that its not about empathizing with personal stories, but that there are overall ableist privileges that have shaped what we think of as 'normal'. And i was hoping it wouldn't be entirely off putting in a confrontational way, but that loving kindness felt urgent, and where one wouldn't need to have the specific diagnosis of Intention-Deficit-Disorder to find the research both practical and rich.

Especially compared to other ways of illustrating Time-Blindness:

A page from the CBT handbook on ADHD, it's as clear as geometric mud to me.

[Image is of a diagram that reads: You can imagine any disease as a graph of causes and effects where each effect itself can be a cause. In ADHD we might see something like this (a real model would be much more complicated). What i'm trying to show is that executive function issues are both caused by the pathology of ADHD while also being the cause of some of the ADHD symptoms. i found this in a Reddit thread and at some point i thought i understood it...]

Since ADHD is a heterogeneous thing, not only is it an invisible disability, but it’s one that exhibits symptoms and affects people in a myriad of ways. There are fun resources (especially comics) that spark a-ha moments, but i also wanted to be able to be more nimble where it neither feels necessary to list every kind of first person accounts (in which it’s the details that make it believable), but also that it could actually make fun of itself, the concept of a guide that is the be-all-end-all, not make the tired, ‘oh look a squirrel’ self-deprecating joke, which is just a joke at ones’ own expense. 

i want people to feel engaged because kindof like the diagnosis, i want the guide to celebrate inhabiting the in-between areas that i think are really potent;

between one tone of seriousness (but anecdotal feel) of a TED talk,
and the other tone of seriousness, the neutral authoritative tone that makes care look a lot like mind numbingly boring labor. 

[Image is of a highly populated diagram of comorbidity with ADHD and how likely someone with ADHD is to have another issue. It ranges from Oppositional Defiant Disorder (Behavioral Disorders) to Neurodevelopmental Disorders, Mood disorders and other co-occurring conditions. This is one of the actual handouts that I got from Kaiser Permanente's group ADHD session. (how many times do you think this was photocopied before it made its way to me?)]

and i guess i’m a skeptical/suspicious type, because i’m also wary of the polish of a message not just because it can feel like it's a sponsored message brought to you by a marketing firm, but that it innocently affirms only one kind of beauty, when i think that a message can be delivered well in a form that is just as scrappy as can be.

Or just in general, how I know that for me, i’ve loaded up on meditation apps, but again like with the first page i posted, if you are easily distracted the moment you touch your smart phone, it’s like trying to get through a field of landmines just to get to a reminder. 

i’m interested in if such a thing can directly, but also inherently, challenge an ableist mindset, and also if it might serve as a gentle reminder to all of the other resources out there, that everything can always be broken down more into much more digestible chunks, especially if you need to spell it out to people who simply want to refuse to believe that Time-Blindness is a thing and who are adamant that we can only rely on Capitalism/Suffering/Hope for survival.

if you DO believe in Capitalism, please consider donating to Patreon.com/cedrictai