Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

I woke up this morning feeling blessed. I had trouble going to sleep last night. I was restless. I know I had cup of coffee much later than I should have, but considering the fact that it didn't perk me up the way I expected I didn't think it was cause me to feel the way I did. I had a lot on my mind. I was also hungry. I had eaten a lunch of chicken and veggies and didn't think that I was really hungry but I was. I didn't want to eat what I have in the house. I had eggs and chicken. I had a strong urge to not consume flesh. It was so strange. Even when I was a vegan I never experienced that feeling. So, I got up and made a Basmati pulao. I am indeed on a journey. I am still trying to figure all of this out. I came to the realization that I have been stressed about my future because I keep trying to dictate what is going to happen. In the past I have let go and let God handle it. I talk the talk, but I am really letting God handle it? So with that said, I have anoth...

My relationship with money has been interesting. I was told that I wasn't good in math, but I could manage to keep track of money. When I was little my relatives would send me money that was to go into savings. My mom, who actually was NOT good with money, would take my money and "invest" it into the household. I never had an allowance until I went to high school when my mom would give me "pocket money" that I needed to budget for bus fare, lunches, and snacks. We had an open campus so every day I would pool my money with my friends and we would get something together. I also started to earn my own money when I finally turned old enough to get a work permit and I would use that money to buy my own clothes and personal items since my decided that she was no longer buying those things for me. Eventually she even had me pay one of the smaller household bills (trash, water, etc.) When I was little my mother was always "broke." We never had extra money an...

The universe will send you the information that you need when you are ready to receive it. I have experienced this a lot this past week. First in the form of coming across my mother's writing about her life as I was purging old papers in an attempt to reorganize my closet (and my life!)  It was as if my mom was speaking directly to me and it became crystal clear that I am indeed my mother's child. Here is what I wrote: My goal this summer was to get my life in order. Like, really in order. Organize, purge, reflect, focus on me. Heck, I even have a budget! I've got goals, man! I haven't done that in .... probably ever, but I was intent on doing it this summer. I mean, I've set goals before, but this is different. One of my projects was to release whatever doesn't serve me. I plan to clear out my closet tomorrow and make room for new blessings. The past two days have been spent shredding papers to the point that my Shredder burned out. Years of paper accumulate...

I was just reading a story on Facebook posted by one of my old college professors about a heartless beating that occurred at a BART station. It made me think about Francia Young, a young woman who was senselessly murdered shortly after we graduated from college. She wasn't a close friend but I definitely knew her either from classes, choir, or acquaintances. She was sweet "churchy" girl who should have never lost her life in such a tragic way. I couldn't remember her name or which BART station she had been kidnapped from so I let Google do a search. I wasn't sure if it would find anything because it happened before the internet was really popular. This was back in Netscape and AOL dial up days. Well, to my surprise the court records pulled up. So here is what happened according to the court records from 2012  [pdf] from the appeals trial of one of the alleged murderers.  For the record the death sentence was upheld.  A jury convicted defendant Keith Tyson Tho...

...yet I feel bored. Maybe bored isn't the right word. Restless?  That feeling where you want to do something but are unmotivated to do anything. I started my health journey so feeling hungry out of boredom isn't part of the equation and drinking to unwind isn't part of the plan either. I guess I could go work out. The first step is simply to do it. I kind of want to get my body to balance out first. I have been having digestion issues recently and they seem to be improving with my change to a plant-based diet. I ate vegetarian meals both yesterday and today. I am only drinking coffee and water. I am about to have a water with ACV and see if that helps calm my stomach. I just thought of something, I probably should start stockpiling my frozen homecooked meals now for when I go back to work so all I have to do is grab and go and heat and eat. It will save on cooking on those weeks when things are too overwhelming to function. I am racking my brain to figure out how I am go...

I just realized that this is the first time in years that I've had a significant amount of time to get my life in order and just think and process. I've made some painful observations. Observation #1: My finances are a MESS! I know that other people are doing much worse, but based upon how I THOUGHT I was doing...baby! I am so far off base. Making more money doesn't necessarily mean you have more money. That is one of those money myths. My living expenses take a huge chunk out of my income. That is a lifestyle choice and although it is financial burden it gives me peace of mind so I make it work. But it really eats into all of my other categories. Which brings me to my next big expense. Debt! Because I am paying back student loans a huge portion of my income is dedicated to that monthly expense. When I took a good look I realized that I am not even paying off the loan. I have only been paying the interest. Good Lord, I am never going to get the thing paid off until I ...

file under blessings.  I had a trip I scheduled last year but at the last minute decided to cancel my trip. I am now scrambling to use the unused travel funds and being in desperate need of a change of scenery I scheduled a trip to NOLA. Solo. Undercover. I decided that I did not want to spend 3 days in NOLA at this moment so I then canceled that trip too. I was refunded my money minus $30. I can live with it. I am now considering a trip that always invigorates me and I will be able to spend time with my aunt. I am able to now extend those unused funds another year. I am hoping to use them this summer though because I am desperate to get some stimulation. Stay tuned. By the way, I've decided to have an epic blow out destination celebration for my birthday in 2019. Another reason I am considering just stacking my money right now.

I used to be so mean when I was a child. I know now that it was in response to the way I was treated. Many of my teachers early in my education made it clear that I was their least favorite student and I was treated accordingly. As a result the children treated me poorly as well. So in order to protect myself I became the mean girl. I would try to hurt people before they could hurt me. This played out most vividly when I was a pre-teen and we had a new leader in my volunteer program. We were playing one of those stupid ice-breaker games (I still hate them!) and I said something stupid. It was intentionally mean but by her having a fragile ego she took it personally and decided that she was going to put me out of the program. My mom and my mom's friend had to get involved and convince her that I really wasn't a bad kid. I was more misguided than anything. I was dubbed the "bad" kid. I got left at school for field trips, kicked off the school bus, and sent out into the ...