Growing Up

I finished submission to graduate.

Bachelor of Science in Economics. Minor in Math. Minor in English.

Wow. Is this real life?

What do I do now?

I've always wanted to do graduate scchool--always. But I have no idea what in! Today is the day to move forward and decide what to do and I have no clue what I want to study.

I worry that if I don't do graduate school that I'll be unhappy, I'll be dissatisfied that I didn't reach what I have always thought was my potential.

I'm muddled. It's kind of a muddled blogpost, so I suppose it's appropriate.

I know it. I live it. I love it.

Ex-Boyfriend story with a purpose, I promise: A year after a pretty 'traumatic' heartbreak I received a wedding announcement from the heartbreak-er. I, being the heartbreak-ee and still recovering at the time, kinda got all nauseous from the adorable picture in front of me. A beautiful tender mercy, a little voice literally popped into my head, "are you happier today than you were a year ago?" and the answer was yes. It had nothing to do with circumstance, but more that I was so satisfied with my life and where it was going--despite being single and every other temporary condition I was experiencing. I was happy with my dedication to the Lord and what he wanted me to do and be, and I truly believe we can increase in happiness each year. The closer we are to God, the happier we are, and we can grow closer to God each year--each day even.

And I think this is the trick in every aspect of our lives:

"...they have gone contrary to the nature of God; therefore, they are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness." (Alma 41:11)

If we find ourselves saying, doing, being things that are contrary to the nature of God, we cannot be happy. The more we try to not only say and do as He would, but also become as He is, the happier we find ourselves.

The only way to truly be happy--to have fulness of joy, complete happiness-- in this life and in the life to come is if we abandon our temporary satisfactions and cling to those eternal promises and blessings afforded to us through the Atonement and obeying with our whole heart, mind and soul to become as He is: "And for this cause ye shall have fulness of joy; and ye shall sit down in the kingdom of my Father; yea, your joy shall be full, even as the Father hath given me fulness of joy; and ye shall be even as I am, and I am even as the Father; and the Father and I are one" (3 Nephi 28:10).

I probably don't say this enough, but I love being a Mormon. I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love the doctrines, principles, and expectations. I love everything about it. I love that I can be together with my family forever. I love that I have access to divine help and guidance by the covenants I make. I love the temple and the precious blessings I find by attending. I love the peace it brings. I love the relationship I have with God by learning of my divine identity and purpose. I love the standards--all of them--and love to see others with the same standards. I love being modest and the perception and protection it provides. I love clean language and good doctrinal conversation--they make me feel great peace of mind. I love the wisdom in waiting to date and saving yourself until marriage. I love that my family had regular family home evening and daily family prayer and scripture study--and I can't wait to do those things with my own family. I love Relief Society, haha, I really do! I'm glad I am getting better at looking past overly-emotional comments or theatrical lessons to better hear what I should be hearing. I love the beautiful messages shared by leaders and the protection provided by following and obeying their counsel. I love the goodness in living the gospel--nothing is so attractive as is goodness in speech, in action, in behavior, in goals. 

How could I ever want anything less than what my Heavenly Father wants for me and of me?

I hope that this next year is better than this past year. I want to look back and say "I am happier today than I was a year ago. I have more and better knowledge of the gospel today than I did a year ago. I am closer to Christ today than I was a year ago. I am more like Him today than I ever have been."

Love.

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

Happiness Is Contagious and Other Things

NOTE: So people promise all the time that they'll blog more. I am trying to fulfill that promise. I also think its awkward to post so much in one month. Like, am I trying too hard? Does it matter? Meh.

Also awkward: The best feeling this week was seeing how happy all of my ex-boyfriends are.

No joke.

They're all married/engaged currently and they are beyond happy--and it makes me happy, which I never thought would happen.

And I think this is why it makes me happy:

They are perfect proof that life goes on after hard things and you can find something (someone) beautiful.

I know. It's a little weird.

If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend you know that you are the one who knows them best, for the time being anyway, and hindsight really is 20/20. Like, I see how happy each couple is, how complete they are--who could know too much better than me that the spouse they're with really is so perfect for them?

And it's truly great. Because it means someday I'll find someone more perfect for me than they were as well.

Maybe I also love seeing all of them happy because marriage kinda freaks me out right now. I can't help but think "They're married! They're making it work and they're happy! They aren't perfect people but they want a great marriage."

Or I see everyone in my home ward (and may as well lump BYU in here too) getting engaged. Seriously. Even the fifty-something year old divorcee found happiness. I have about six receptions to attend at home, not to mention the three or four receptions after finals and over the break in Utah.

These people are brave.

Relationships ending doesn't scare me. Heartache doesn't scare me. Rejection doesn't scare me. Rejecting doesn't scare me. Moving on doesn't scare me on average. Being alone really doesn't scare me that much either.

But marriage? Marriage freaks me out.

I am a fairly risk averse individual--actually, I'm an extremely risk averse individual. First sign of dissatisfaction in a relationship based on compatible values and bailing doesn't bother me too much--after all, how will I be happy with someone who doesn't have the same value system as I do? But the reality is that I won't find a perfect person and I am far from perfect myself. Marriage is a union of two imperfect people, but I can't reconcile how I should measure the probability of success based on weaknesses and strengths.

I don't know.

You know what else I don't know? What is in the water out west because everyone is having babies. (I am literally the last girl left in my little Georgia Peach group of friends to get married. All four girls are married and pregnant. Wow.)

Yeah, um, way scarier than marriage.

And here's the thing: not to sound pompous, but I am pretty confident in my skill-set to be a wife and mother, but I'm having a hard time finding someone to be with in whom I am equally as confident in their current skill-set and the potential thereof.

My own personal relationship shortcomings: I am not a very starry-eyed person. I can find all of the holes in an argument to marry someone. I can uncover weaknesses much faster than I can bolster strengths. I have a tendency to think that "oh yeah, they'll change." I am usually the last person to arrive and the first person to retreat. I have no issues with confrontation, which can be overbearing, and when I try to rectify that, I have a tendency to bottle things up and then let them eat at me, altering my perception of things. I draw conclusions pretty fast. I give people second, third, fourth, etc., chances. I want to make the relationship work--to the very bitter end. (Man. I'm a gem. Why on earth am I not married yet? Just kidding.)

For all of the reasons why I'm scared and all of the reasons why I feel muddled and not brave, seeing my ex-boyfriends with their wives is comforting. All those wedding announcements are comforting. Those numberless facebook messages demanding my address are comforting.

If they can make it work, I can. If they can figure it out, I can. If they can overcome fears about marriage, I can. If they can get an answer from God about who to marry, I can. If God has such a great plan in motion for them, He does for me.

Regardless of the details of His plan, I am happy they each found someone,

because it means I can.

"Do Not Take Counsel From Your Fears."

...is what my mommy told me every morning in high school. Yet, it seems to be that every day for the past two months I've forgotten this admonition and all I've done is listen to my fears.

About everything. About everyone.

It eats you--not at you--it eats you: your mind, your focus, your stability.

The anxiety starts slowly sometimes, with a doubt creeping into my day. Or sometimes I wake at four in the morning to a sudden panic. It has become a habit to fall asleep and wake up to 'fight-or-flight' and take hours to calm myself mentally, reminding myself that the danger is not immediate while I am under my covers.

Despite what I feel, I have tried to rely on what I know: I know my parents love me, I know God is real, I know my prayers are not in vain, I know there is a plan for me, I know I am capable of what is demanded of me--especially with His help.

We are so capable, certainly more capable than we often give ourselves credit and we know "God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7) even if we do not always feel anything but fear, weakness, and derision. We must choose what is necessary, even when it feels frightening.

This is what it means to have faith in Jesus Christ and not in outcomes. We cannot rely on what may happen or may not happen. We cannot have faith in only the positive possibilities--we must have faith that we are in His hands.

We know from experience of many who have gone before us (Hebrews 11) that "when we choose to follow Christ in faith rather than choosing another path out of fear, we are blessed with a consequence that is consistent with our choice" (Quentin L. Cook). It couldn't be any other way.

But that is the scariest thing we ever are required to do, just as Paul said "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." (Hebrews 12:31) It is frightening that it may be long, and hard, and lonely and turbulent, and sorrowful, not to attach other terms of challenge, difficulty, or suffering. There may be sleepless nights, longer days, and His hands, though the safest place we could possibly find ourselves, often come with much adversity as we try to become like Him. And it does not end there! Once we are in His hands, committed whole-heartedly, whole-mindedly--we cannot draw back. We must not draw back. Eternity truly hangs in the balance and we cannot afford to leave the very safety of His guidance and protection.

We cannot draw back because He never did--not on the cross, not in Gethsemane, and certainly not now when I need Him the most. Christ never drew back, and neither should we.

"Wherefore, seeing as we also are compassed about with so great cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith." 

Hebrews 12:1-2

So my friends, do not take counsel from your fears.

If I Could Do It All Again...

I would have...

spoken spanish with you, no matter how scared I am for you to see how rusty I am

sung all the time, regardless of whether you had heard better voices

had you teach me to golf again--even if you hit me with another golf ball

asked you to run with me, swim with me, hike with me, because being active is something we both love

gone to more frisbee games

asked you for help more often, just so you'd know how helpful you are to me

never mention other girls, ever

done your laundry every week and make cookie dough every sunday

buy you socks and mismatch them for you

let you show me how sorry you were

let you dance with me more

gone on walks with you, just to hold your hand in front of everyone

let you hold me when I was frustrated, because it always really helped

let you leave your past behind

let you see my grades, even if I think you should be with someone smarter, more driven

tell you when things bothered me immediately

left more notes on your car,

in your apartment

at your office

asked to share your testimony with me more

discussed doctrinal questions I have

been more disciplined and diligent, set expectations, not demands

let you buy me more frozen yogurt, take me to Park City when you wanted, spoil me rotten, because it makes you happy

I would have let myself enjoy us more.

"When we are young, it seems that we will live forever. We think there is a limitless supply of sunrises waiting just beyond the horizon, and the future looks to us like an unbroken road stretching endlessly before us.

However, the older we get, the more we tend to look back and marvel at how short that road really is. We wonder how the years could have passed so quickly. And we begin to think about the choices we made and the things we have done. In the process, we remember many sweet moments that give warmth to our souls and joy to our hearts. But we also remember the regrets—the things we wish we could go back and change.

The path toward fulfilling our divine destiny as sons and daughters of God is an eternal one. My dear brothers and sisters, dear friends, we must begin to walk that eternal path today; we cannot take for granted one single day. I pray that we will not wait until we are ready to die before we 

truly learn to live."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"When you are discouraged...

...steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them in gratitude and love toward God."
-Elder Busche

distinguished professors, such wonderful people to learn from

my major, its difficulty and challenge is what amplifies my love for it

a good mind, that is sound, powerful, and full of love

a beautiful campus

homemade meals

good friends who love you and drop everything for you

education--I know I'm not done with school

feeling & recognizing God's hand in my day--He is so aware of me

dad's goofy pictures, camera phones help my day be better

mom's misspelled text messages, I love them

gospel messages that remind you of who you are

the opportunity to stop a study group to ask for a blessing from amazing guys

employers who cry with you, sometimes school sucks

lifelong friends--those you always have had and those you didn't know you have

prayers that are answered

prayers that are said on my behalf

"Put all frustrations, hurt feelings and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. 

Light will flow into your soul."

And it has.