Why are you so sweaty? I was watching cops.

*DISCLAIMER* If your name isn't Bryce, you won't get some of this and you will think this is a very boring post. However, it is written for anyone to read since those not named Bryce are likely to read it anyway.

Bryce and I have been friends for several years now. Anyone that knows both of us remotely well knows that we are very similar. Bryce is quite funny and can come up with hilarious things very quickly. In fact, Bryce may be funnier than me (probably not though). Because of this, I will often repeat the funny things Bryce says, to others that do not know Bryce in an effort to make me seem funnier and wittier than I really am. For instance, some of my friends know about Plan B. These friends know that Bryce and I came up with it together. But they don't know that a few of the Plan B's that I told them I cam up with were actually from the twisted mind of Bryce.

Bryce likes to go by one of two aliases. The first alias is Rufio. I'm not exactly certain what Bryce's reasoning is for choosing Rufio. Maybe its because the character Rufio in the movie Hook is freaking awesome, or maybe Bryce is trying to emulate the hardcore emo band Rufio. I have always assumed that its because of the Hook character since the band Rufio isn't that good and Bryce often says bangarang.  The second alias is Chet. I really have no idea why Bryce occasionally insists on being called Chet. Its not that great of a name. I mean, its not a bad name. But its no better than any other name in my opinion. The alias Chet has a last name as well but I don't care enough to remember it.

I also like to annoy Bryce as often as possible. Below are a few of the things I have done to make him angry.

• I repeatedly like to tell Bryce that in the event of an "untimely" death that I would marry Megan, his wife.
• I stick my finger in Bryce's water glass before he drinks out of it at restaurants so he has to ask the server for another glass. Its funny watching him give a full glass of water to the server and asking for a replacement. The server's expression is always funny as well.
• I intentionally have opposing opinions to almost every political stance Bryce has just to see how angry he can get at me.
• I bring up "touchy" subjects such as immigration, global warming (according to Bryce it doesn't exist), or most things pro-Obama just to see how quickly he will get upset.

So why the pointless post about Bryce, and why all the links to Bryce's blog? I did it because of a recent comment where Bryce instructed me to stop linking his name to his blog. I only have one thing to say to you Bryce: DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN!

Real Men Cry

A while ago my good friend Bryce Fisher was telling me about this one time him and his wife were watching a movie. I don't remember which movie it was, but it was probably some feel good movie of the year because towards the end Bryce felt his eyes getting watery. He looked over at Megan and her eyes were as dry as the Sahara. After making fun of him for crying I confessed that I too cry at movies that most people don't cry at.

The first time this ever happened to me was when I was 12 or so at the end of the movie My Girl. I was watching it with my family, including my mother which is known for crying at really cheesy movie scenes, and I was the only one in tears. After telling this to Bryce we went on to list some of the movies that we're ashamed to have cried at. Some of the movies include:

• My Girl
• Armageddon
• Bridge to Terabithia
• Seven Pounds
• U-571
• Others which we're too ashamed to admit

Not all of these movies have turned our eyes into fountains, but have at least caused a few tears to fall when others were quite the opposite. 

I then told Bryce of a commercial that gets me every time I see it. I have to change the channel or else I will cry. Guaranteed. It the 2 minute ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan. I'm not sure if it's the song, my affinity for animals, or subliminal messages but every single time I have watched that commercial my eyes get watery. Feel free to make fun of me for it but its a really sad commercial. It has all those poor dogs and cats that have been hurt. Watch the whole video and you'll see what I'm talking about. You can watch it here.

Dr. Rebecca Pletsch, MD

Yesterday Rebecca and I were discussing her greatest phobia, which is vermin. More specifically, rodents. In fact, Rebecca hates all animals that have a rat/weasel/ badger type muzzle that can bear the majority of their teeth when angry. Because of the abundance of them in urban areas, Rebecca particularly hates squirrels. I know this for a fact as I saw her scream and throw a rock at a squirrel passing by while on a hike with her. Anyway, back to yesterday.

Rebecca told me some ideas she had on how to eliminate the entire squirrel population. Her first idea was to create a market for squirrel meat products such as squirrel steaks and jerky. Furthermore, she wants to create a hyped up craze for squirrel products such as squirrel skin belts and squirrel headbands. She may have mentioned celebrity endorsements as well. I told Rebecca if this plan were implemented and successful, she would have to get used to seeing squirrel paraphernalia frequently. "I could handle it," was her response.

After a slightly awkward moment of silence I thought of an even better idea. Yes, its a better idea. It would require much more commitment on Rebecca's part, but I feel it would be much more effective at eliminating the squirrel population. Rebecca would need to start by going to medical school. She would need graduate summa cum laude from a prestigious medical school such as Johns Hopkins University. After graduating she would need to work as a doctor for several years until she could obtain a teaching position at a prestigious university known for it's research. Her research would focus on influenza, and various strains of it. She would need to publish a number of articles in several peer-reviewed journals for at least five years in order to establish herself as a well-known expert in the field of influenza. Finally, at the peak of her success she would need to publish an article stating that the squirrel flu is real, and highly deadly. More deadly, and more contagious than the pig flu of the early 2000's. The medical community would be in turmoil. No one would see this coming. But because Dr. Pletsch is renowned for her work with influenza, everyone would believe her.

Subsequently, trustworthy media outlets such as CNN would hear of the squirrel flu and its deadly effects and report to the public that precautions need to be taken to prevent the squirrel flu from spreading to their loved ones. Therefore, everyone would take it upon themselves to exterminate every squirrel they come across leading to an extinction of squirrels worldwide and a feeling of bliss for Rebecca.

So if you ever hear of a squirrel pandemic, just go with it. It's for Rebecca.

The Fort, Part II - Phase 2: Purchasing

Phase 2 was the purchasing phase and was completed today. The estimate from Phase 1 was $26.74. So far we are under budget by $1.12, which puts us at $25.62.

The materials are currently being stored in a secure location awaiting Phase 3, the building phase, to commence. Phase 3 should commence in roughly one week; possibly on June 6, 2009. Keep in mind this date is a tentative date and there is the possibility Phase 3 will commence before or after the tentative date of June 6, 2009.

Keep checking this blog for continuing updates on the progress of the Fort, Part II.

The Fort, Part II - Phase 1: Planning

Although Phase 1 has been completed for almost a week, I am officially announcing that it is complete. Phase 1 consisted of the following:
-Deciding on materials
-Taking measurements
-Pricing materials
-Creating 3D diagrams of the Fort, Part II (see this posting for diagrams)
-Obtaining proper building permits


Keep checking this blog for continuing updates on the progress of the Fort, Part II.

The Fort, Part II

Ever since Fort Beef came down we've discussed the possibility of erecting a new fort. Until recently, this was nothing more than something talked about. For whatever reason, the discussion has turned into a reality.

On Friday evening I took measurements in apartment 309 while Kristin sketched the layout and labeled it with the appropriate lengths. I then went straight to Lowes to price out PVC pipe. In order to construct a proper fort, 140 feet is needed. Multiply that by the cost of a 10 foot stick, add in the necessary fittings, and other miscellaneous materials and the total comes to around $30. Then divide this between the dedicated fort members (likely all those who are reading this) and it will only cost a few dollars a piece!


After leaving Lowes I was quite bored as well as excited about the Fort, Part II. In an effort to give direction to my unbridled excitement, I downloaded Google Sketchup and made a 3D diagram of the Fort, Part II. See pictures below.


Once the Fort, Part II is complete (meaning the inside and outside lights are wired to The Clapper) all are welcome to come bask in it's glory. However, if too many visitors come I will start charging admission. Yeah I know I don't live there but give me a break; I have an unpaid internship.


Also, construction should begin within a week.

My Exciting Life

I've noticed lately that quite a few people have been asking me what's new in my life and/ or what exciting things are happening right now for me. I see my life as pretty unexciting. However, in case anyone else was wondering, and to appease the masses, here is a list of everything exciting going on in my life right now.

• I'm coaching track and field for the UVU Special Olympics team

Other than what's on that list, my life is pretty mundane. I go to school and then come home. If I had a job I would do that, but I don't have one so....... that's my like at this point.

And That's Why I Wear One Too!

There's one commercial in my opinion that should win an award. I feel this way for several reasons. First, the acting/ personal testimonies are better than 99.9% of all other commercials. Second, it's one of the longest running commercials in the U.S. It was first aired in 1987 and continues to this day. Third, no matter how many times I see it, it's always humorous. Fourth, a former U.S. Attorney is featured. Okay, so it may be obviously outdated, but it's still a great commercial. 

Did you figure out which commercial it is?

It's the Life Alert commercial!

Many people's favorite part of the commercial is when an elderly woman exclaims, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" Although it is a good part, and the beginning to the catch phrase, it is not my favorite part. My favorite part is towards the end when another elderly woman states, "All senior citizens should have Life Alert!" I don't know why, but I love that lady. She has such conviction and zeal. I love it. I love her! I wish it were possible to have another grandmother because I want her to be my grandmother.

*If you want to watch the commercial go here.

I'm addicted?

Every night since Friday night I've woken up in the middle of the night several times. Usually, I wouldn't be terribly concerned. However, when I've woken up the last few nights my heart has been pounding, my entire body is shaking, and I'm sweating enough to fill a Big Gulp cup. After several nights of this I began to worry about myself.

In an effort to take control of my life again I turned to a very trustworthy source; Wikipedia. I discovered that I am going through withdrawals. This was quite perplexing to me because I do not smoke, drink alcohol, or use any drugs. I began to think about any of the foods I have been eating regularly and I came up with nothing. For days this has been weighing on my mind.

You know how sometimes people wake up in the middle of a dream and as they're waking up they hear themselves saying something? Well that happened to me at about 3 am. I woke up just in time to hear myself screaming, "VIVA LA FORT!" I'm going through fort withdrawals! I'm so glad I finally was able to determine what is haunting me in my sleep. It's so difficult for me because I quit forting cold turkey. According to Wikipedia, quiting something which is highly addictive (i.e. the fort) suddenly is highly dangerous and sometimes results in severe depression and sometimes prolonged stages of dysphoria (the opposite of euphoria). 

In an effort to thwart this I have been self medicating with energy drinks, swiss rolls, and not doing homework. I think my new regimen is already working and will continue to work as long as I stay strong.

If only I could have "stimulating" dreams like Jenny. 

When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions. -William Shakespeare

Overall, my weekend was pretty good. However, if I were a pessimist my weekend likely would have been horrible. It all started on Friday....

Friday:

• As I was getting a slow leak in one of my tires on my car, the friendly Les Schwabb employee informed me that I need new tires, very badly. That should only cost me $500 to $600. Good thing I have a job. Wait, I don't have a job. Crap!
• I was slightly depressed because of the tire situation and lost all motivation to do anything productive the rest of the day so I sat on the couch outside for several hours doing absolutely nothing.
• The fort came down. This was by far the most depressing thing all weekend. I stayed depressed about this event throughout the entire weekend.

Saturday:

• I went on a 25 mile bike ride to the hot springs in Price Canyon only to find out that they smell truly awful. They smell like rotting sulfur mixed with INSERT WORST SMELLING THING YOU CAN THINK OF HERE and felt obligated to get in because of the long bike ride I took to get there. I ended up smelling like, well.... let's keep it family friendly and just say I smelled bad.
• At about mile 21 on the bike ride my legs decided to cramp up and not work properly. This was almost exactly the same time the strong winds began to blow towards me.
• Because I was so exhausted from the bike ride I accomplished nothing the rest of the day. Unless you count sitting. I accomplished a lot of sitting.
• When I got home Saturday night my front door was wide open and I thought someone broke into my apartment. I had to have Bruce and Greg help me look in closets and under the beds for any potential intruders. None were discovered.
• I couldn't sleep.

Sunday:

• I dropped the shampoo bottle on my toes in the shower.
• The weather has been so nice lately but got really cold.
• Emily suggested to the Bishop that I become the Elder's Quorum Pres when Stew leaves just so Emily could have fun in Ward Council again. Apparently I make Ward Council fun. All I really do is hit on Emily, a lot, as well as distract Emily and anyone else around me from the meeting, by hitting on Emily.
• My efforts to steal Mary away from Greg were to no avail. She's way to loyal to that self-centered jerk.
• The test results came back positive for gonorrhea. Just kidding!
• My mom gave me a hard time for not sending her a birthday card last year and I tried to explain that I had no money at the time. However, as all people with mothers know, there's no winning an argument like that with a mother.

So, my weekend pretty much sucked. Tons of awful and terrible things happened to me. Well, they're not that bad. If I had a bad attitude about things I would be upset. But my weekend was actually pretty fun. A lot of good things happened to me as well. I just thought it was interesting how even though quite a few bad things happened to me, I still had a good weekend. My weekend was not depressing at all, except for the fort coming down. I'm still depressed about that.

Oregon is Definitely the Best

I love Oregon. It's the definately the coolest place I’ve ever been. I’m not just saying that because that’s where I call home, I’m saying it because it really is the coolest place I’ve ever been. Most of my experience is in the Portland/ northwest region of the state. To let you all know why it’s the coolest place on earth I’ve created a picture list of why Oregon is the best. I've been to all but a few of the places pictured below. I thought about putting them in order from the coolest to the cool, but then I remembered that everything I’ve done in Oregon is equally amazing and, therefore, I cannot rank them.

The Columbia River Gorge

The Columbia River Gorge is my favorite place to hike. There are tons of waterfalls, trails canopied by giant trees, and amazing viewpoints. 

Portland

I absolutely love Portland. It has a diverse offering of things to see and do. Portland is known for being a little weird, but that's part of the reason why I love it so much. By the way, the picture in the upper left-hand corner is the world's smallest park, Mill Ends Park.

The Coast

The Oregon Coast, not the beach, is truly a unique place. Although most people don't go swimming there due to the cold water, it's still a Mecca of sorts in the summer for Oregonians. If you go make sure you visit the Tillamook Cheese Factory in Tillamook. And make sure you get a sample of the squeaky cheese.

Mt. Hood

I know it may seem like just another mountain, but Mt. Hood is no ordinary mountain. It's the second most climbed mountain in the world, as well as home to the only ski resort in North America that offers year-round skiing. The Mt. Hood National Forest, which surrounds the mountain is full of lakes, rivers, hiking trails, more hiking trails, and picturesque views.

Friday Night

Last Friday night was surprisingly fun. We were down 2 - Kristin and Bruce - but still managed to have a great time. We spent most of the night wondering around BYU campus taking random pictures. We tried to get into the mysterious secret tunnel that goes from the HVAC to the Marriot Center, and then to the MTC or temple. We think we may know where the entrance is but we got stuck at the door because none of us know how to pick a lock. Also, I didn't have any repelling equipment so we couldn't bypass the gate that led to the entrance. But we did find a lot of paper, some shredded, some not shredded. All-in-all it was a great night. By the way, making the pictures we took black and white makes us look even cooler.

Synopsis? Wait....synapses? Synopsis.

A few years ago I misspoke and pronounced the word "synopsis" incorrectly. Ever since then I have had two things happen to me. First, Audrey has never let me live it down and continues to make fun of me for it. Second, every time I find myself about to say "synopsis" I use another word like overview, summary, or - since I'm an intellectual- abridgement because I'm afraid of saying synopsis. I mean synapsis. No. Wait................hang on. I need to check something.

Ok. My good buddies Merriam and Webster tell me it's synopsis. Anyway, I now have a phobia of saying the wrong one, synapsis. The reason I still have trouble with it is not because I am dim-witted. In fact, I am very intelligent. I believe I informed you of that fact 10 sentences ago. The reason is that when you say the word synapsis, it sounds like you're saying snapsis. And when things go by in a snap, it means things go by quickly. So, in my highly perspicacious mind the word synapsis makes sense because a synopsis is a quick overview, i.e. something you would tell in a snap. 

My reasoning for telling my loyal readers this is two-fold:

1. When I say this you will fully understand where I'm coming from and decide not to make fun of me.
2. To confuse you so that you can't remember which one is right so when I say it wrong you won't notice.

Good luck. And remember, it's synapsis.

I'll be fine. I can quit anytime I want.

Over the past several weeks I have spent a sufficient amount of time in the fort. In fact, every weekend for the past 3 weekends has been spent in the fort. This weekend is quite different, however.



The residents of apartment 309 are all out of town and, therefore, the fort is inaccessible. Also, the joy and seclusion offered by the fort are to be had by non this weekend. In order to circumvent any feelings of sorrow, last night Rebecca, Mike, and I had a midnight Carl's Jr run and then watched I Am Legend in my fort-less apartment. Rebecca and I both discussed our yearning to be in the fort prior to the night's activities and wished that one of the residents of apartment 309 would have left us a key to gain access to the fort.



Alas, I have 2 more days until the fort will bring joy to my soul. Until then I will have to deal with the cold sweats, sudden outburts of anger, and nightmares.

Paraskevidekatriaphobics Beware!

Today is the ever-so-gloomy Friday the 13th. In case you were curious, Wikipedia has this to say about the number 13: It is the smallest integer with eight letters in its spelled out name in English. Wow, thanks I always wondered which was the smallest integer with eight letters.

Anyway, to educate all you readers (Jenny, and maybe one or two others) I thought I would do some research on Friday the 13th for you.

It turns out that there is a condition known as Paraskevidekatriaphobics which is an irrational fear of Friday the 13th. This fear of today's date seems absurd to me. In doing further research I found that the whole Friday the 13th thing is relatively new. On their own, Friday and the number 13 have been known as being unlucky for a long time. Friday the 13th doesn't get mentioned in E. Cobham Brewer's voluminous Dictionary of Phrase and Fable until the 1898 edition. Basically it says that:

UNLUCKY FRIDAY + UNLUCKY 13 = UNLUCKIER FRIDAY.

I wouldn't go as far to say that I am a Paraskevidekatriaphobic, but I would say that if I was afraid of any day it would be Friday the 13th. So go about your day in a normal fashion, but if strange things happen to you.... it's probably just your imagination.

My Life... Since July 2, 2008

I was watching a video on Rebecca's blog and felt inspired to blog again. My last blog entry was quite some time ago and great things have happened to me since then. And since I like blogging about top 10 things, I have made a list of the top 10 things in descending order.

10. I missed Christmas with my family because my flight was cancelled due to bad weather and spent Christmas Eve with Derek watching The Black Donnellys. No offense Derek, but I would have rather spent it with my fam. (Ok, so that my have been the worst thing that happened to me but it was something significant)

9. UVU's library is really freaking cool. They have study rooms with 50-inch plasmas you can watch movies on while "studying."

8. I turned 26, and yet surprisingly remain single.

7. I discovered a band called Bullet For My Valentine. I know it may shock you that I listen to this type of music because it seems out of character, but if you really knew me you wouldn't be surprised.

6. Bruce opened my eyes to the wondrous world of Bomberman.

5. I overcame my addiction to Swiss Rolls and energy drinks.

4. I have found the world's best food combination: beef jerky and chocolate milk

3. I learned that everyone but my sister and Audrey like me with a beard.

2. Jenny and I hosted a robot party in which I made the best robot costume I've ever made.

And the best thing that has happened to me since July 2, 2008......

1. I helped construct the best permanent fort, Fort Beef, BYU housing has ever seen (see Jenny's blog for pictures).

So that's pretty much all of the significant things that have happened to me since my last blog entry. There have been other amazing things that have happened to me but since my brain is fried from studying for 3 midterms I can't think of anything else.