I'm tired today, which means my emotions are pretty hagard, but this week has been hard.
On Sunday we had dinner with some of my extended family at my mom's. I don't think we'd had family dinner at my mom's since Lloyd died, and if we did, it's only been once. Everyone who was coming was there, and then the phone rang. My aunt was calling, but right when it rang, I thought, "There's Werre telling us he's on his way."
Also, my brother-in-law is visiting this week. He and my brother were best friends in high school and a lot of their mannerisms and expressions are the same. Plus, my brother-in-law has changed a little in the last year and something about his stature made me look twice and tell myself it wasn't James when I saw him. Being around him really makes me miss my brother.
Finally, today for dinner I made Lloyd's signature dish, goolash, but he called it hot dish. I've made it a few times since October, but because I'm tired and my emotions are paper-thin, it's got me in tears.
I wish someone would just tell me the "why" and then maybe I'd be doing better.
And, this has become a place to vent my grief instead of a happy update. I'm sure I'll have a happy update someday soon, but not today.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
About Lloyd
It's been five months. We've celebrated three holidays and two birthdays without Grandpa and I guess it's about time I put down my thoughts.
When we first found out Lloyd had leukemia, I spent the day in tears. It was too much to take in. We had a family meeting scheduled with the doctor for that afternoon, and my father-in-law was in surgery that day to get a hiatal hernia fixed. Norm had a hole in his diaphragm fixed a few years ago and it had retorn and 30 percent of his stomach was in his chest cavity. The doctors were concerned it would be a very difficult surgery because there had already been a repair and things were pretty tight. They were almost positive they'd have to open him up instead of fixing it laparoscopically. He called me after he was out of surgery to tell me he'd been the recipient of a miracle. There was no hole in the diaphragm when they went in, despite very extensive CT and MRI scans. He had it confirmed to him that he had been blessed by the power of the priesthood.
It was exactly the miraculous event I needed to have any hope at all. My thoughts were immediately filled with the song line, "There can be miracles if you believe." I put all my trust and faith in that small line and went to the hospital to meet my mom, sister, husband, dad, and doctor.
The news was grim. Untreated, he had 60 days at most. Traditional chemotherapy would most likely kill him. We needed to get him to Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center in Seattle as soon as possible. He had an appointment already scheduled for one week away. He could go home and be treated for his pneumonia until then.
So, he went home the next day and my very experienced nurse of a mother took care of him to the best of her ability, but his pneumonia and cancer were much more aggressive than anyone thought. Fortunately, my babies got to spend one last afternoon snuggling Grandpa on the couch watching a movie with him.
I hadn't told the boys how sick Grandpa was yet. I could see in my mind's eye that he would have some serious treatments and would be fragile the rest of his life, but he would have more time. I didn't want to make my boys worry. My bishop called for an update one day and asked if he could petition for prayers from the pulpit, and I hesitated since my kids still really didn't know anything. But then Lloyd got admitted to the hospital again and I called my bishop and asked if I could change my mind. Then I braced myself for telling Sterling. He got very upset and the first words out of his mouth were, "I don't want Grandpa to die." He was worried about James never remembering what an amazing Grandpa he had. My sweet Jonah was walking by and said, "Don't worry. Grandpa's not going to die."
That sealed it in my heart. Lloyd wasn't going to die. I was supposed to believe in a miracle and my three-year-old confirmed that he would be fine.
I hung on to that. It got me through seeing Lloyd fail more every day. I knew that he would turn around. He had to. It got me through watching him go into respiratory failure and kidney failure and liver failure. There was going to be a miracle. I felt like I had been promised that!
In the email post I mentioned that Brandon knew the first day in the hospital that Lloyd's time was short, but he felt that he needed to keep that to himself. I was kind of upset with him when I found that out later. I really could have used some warning. But it wasn't my turn to have a warning, I guess. It was my turn to show unwavering faith and hope. But I wish I'd had a warning.
After Lloyd passed and I was holding Sterling, we were talking about why it happened and that it wasn't fair, and my sweet Jonah came in. I asked him about saying Grandpa wasn't going to die, and he said, "Yeah ,but Grandpa got sick." And that was that. I believe that the laws of nature are fully intwined with the laws of God, and God has to obey those laws also. But I also believe in miracles and the Godly power of the Priesthood.
Someone wrote a card to mom saying that she remembered Lloyd bearing his testimony on fast Sunday in October and thinking that it was the testimony of a man who had completed his mission here. As far as I'm concerned, he had a lot more he could have done. What about my baby? How will he ever know what's it's like to have the best Grandpa in the whole world? What about my mom? How could the best years of her life been so short? Who would I have to counsel with when I was feeling irrational about something?
But since his work obviously was done, I can tell you that he fixed us. Our bishop at the time Lloyd was baptized spoke at the funeral and talked about what an amazing man Lloyd was. He met my mom when she had four troubled teenagers at home who were flailing trying to cope with the tragedy of losing their father by his own hand, and Lloyd loved us immediately like his own. He saved me and he saved Peggy. He taught us how to love and to be loved. He taught us how to communicate openly without screaming and raging. He taught us how to be friends and confidants. He taught me how to be a parent. He taught us how to have fun and spend time together. He took us, broken, shut-off, and angry, and loved us, coaxed us out of ourselves, and blessed us. I can only scratch the surface of what he did for my mom, whose history of feeling abandoned, unloved, belittled, and betrayed by men was 50 years deep.
His loss is poignant. I feel it every day. I don't cry every day, but there is still a big absence. Someone told me that our parents are like pillars in our lives and when one dies, that pillar is gone and our support system is not the same. That is absolutely how I feel.
I am extremely grateful for small moments when I know he is still near. One day I was driving the kids to school and I had my hand on the headrest of the passenger seat and suddenly I could feel Lloyd holding my hand. He had pretty distinctly rough hands, so I knew it was him. I've also had a small glimpse into the work his is doing now, and I'm grateful for that. Most of all, I'm grateful that he considers me his daughter and he'll be waiting for me when it's my turn to go home.
When we first found out Lloyd had leukemia, I spent the day in tears. It was too much to take in. We had a family meeting scheduled with the doctor for that afternoon, and my father-in-law was in surgery that day to get a hiatal hernia fixed. Norm had a hole in his diaphragm fixed a few years ago and it had retorn and 30 percent of his stomach was in his chest cavity. The doctors were concerned it would be a very difficult surgery because there had already been a repair and things were pretty tight. They were almost positive they'd have to open him up instead of fixing it laparoscopically. He called me after he was out of surgery to tell me he'd been the recipient of a miracle. There was no hole in the diaphragm when they went in, despite very extensive CT and MRI scans. He had it confirmed to him that he had been blessed by the power of the priesthood.
It was exactly the miraculous event I needed to have any hope at all. My thoughts were immediately filled with the song line, "There can be miracles if you believe." I put all my trust and faith in that small line and went to the hospital to meet my mom, sister, husband, dad, and doctor.
The news was grim. Untreated, he had 60 days at most. Traditional chemotherapy would most likely kill him. We needed to get him to Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center in Seattle as soon as possible. He had an appointment already scheduled for one week away. He could go home and be treated for his pneumonia until then.
So, he went home the next day and my very experienced nurse of a mother took care of him to the best of her ability, but his pneumonia and cancer were much more aggressive than anyone thought. Fortunately, my babies got to spend one last afternoon snuggling Grandpa on the couch watching a movie with him.
I hadn't told the boys how sick Grandpa was yet. I could see in my mind's eye that he would have some serious treatments and would be fragile the rest of his life, but he would have more time. I didn't want to make my boys worry. My bishop called for an update one day and asked if he could petition for prayers from the pulpit, and I hesitated since my kids still really didn't know anything. But then Lloyd got admitted to the hospital again and I called my bishop and asked if I could change my mind. Then I braced myself for telling Sterling. He got very upset and the first words out of his mouth were, "I don't want Grandpa to die." He was worried about James never remembering what an amazing Grandpa he had. My sweet Jonah was walking by and said, "Don't worry. Grandpa's not going to die."
That sealed it in my heart. Lloyd wasn't going to die. I was supposed to believe in a miracle and my three-year-old confirmed that he would be fine.
I hung on to that. It got me through seeing Lloyd fail more every day. I knew that he would turn around. He had to. It got me through watching him go into respiratory failure and kidney failure and liver failure. There was going to be a miracle. I felt like I had been promised that!
In the email post I mentioned that Brandon knew the first day in the hospital that Lloyd's time was short, but he felt that he needed to keep that to himself. I was kind of upset with him when I found that out later. I really could have used some warning. But it wasn't my turn to have a warning, I guess. It was my turn to show unwavering faith and hope. But I wish I'd had a warning.
After Lloyd passed and I was holding Sterling, we were talking about why it happened and that it wasn't fair, and my sweet Jonah came in. I asked him about saying Grandpa wasn't going to die, and he said, "Yeah ,but Grandpa got sick." And that was that. I believe that the laws of nature are fully intwined with the laws of God, and God has to obey those laws also. But I also believe in miracles and the Godly power of the Priesthood.
Someone wrote a card to mom saying that she remembered Lloyd bearing his testimony on fast Sunday in October and thinking that it was the testimony of a man who had completed his mission here. As far as I'm concerned, he had a lot more he could have done. What about my baby? How will he ever know what's it's like to have the best Grandpa in the whole world? What about my mom? How could the best years of her life been so short? Who would I have to counsel with when I was feeling irrational about something?
But since his work obviously was done, I can tell you that he fixed us. Our bishop at the time Lloyd was baptized spoke at the funeral and talked about what an amazing man Lloyd was. He met my mom when she had four troubled teenagers at home who were flailing trying to cope with the tragedy of losing their father by his own hand, and Lloyd loved us immediately like his own. He saved me and he saved Peggy. He taught us how to love and to be loved. He taught us how to communicate openly without screaming and raging. He taught us how to be friends and confidants. He taught me how to be a parent. He taught us how to have fun and spend time together. He took us, broken, shut-off, and angry, and loved us, coaxed us out of ourselves, and blessed us. I can only scratch the surface of what he did for my mom, whose history of feeling abandoned, unloved, belittled, and betrayed by men was 50 years deep.
His loss is poignant. I feel it every day. I don't cry every day, but there is still a big absence. Someone told me that our parents are like pillars in our lives and when one dies, that pillar is gone and our support system is not the same. That is absolutely how I feel.
I am extremely grateful for small moments when I know he is still near. One day I was driving the kids to school and I had my hand on the headrest of the passenger seat and suddenly I could feel Lloyd holding my hand. He had pretty distinctly rough hands, so I knew it was him. I've also had a small glimpse into the work his is doing now, and I'm grateful for that. Most of all, I'm grateful that he considers me his daughter and he'll be waiting for me when it's my turn to go home.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Timeline and emails from when Lloyd was in the hospital
Prior to getting pnuemonia, Lloyd had been feeling generally not well for quite a while. He had been looking for a reason for not feeling well for a few years, but nothing ever came up. He went to see an oncologist again, and finally his blood showed something abnormal, so the doctor agreed to do a bone marrow biopsy, even though the doctor thought the diagnosis would probably be some kind of lymphoma.
Sunday, Oct 6 - Lloyd has been pretty sick for a few days, but felt well enough to get out of the house and go for a ride. He told Mom this sickness was something different and knew he was going to die. Mom took Lloyd to ER in Centralia that night. He was diagnosed with pneumonia in his left lower lobe and admitted to the hospital.
Tuesday, Oct 9 - Lloyd is still in the hospital being treated for pneumonia and Mom went to work. She got a call from the oncologist while at work telling her they found leukemia and were going to start treatment that same day. He scheduled a meeting for 5 that afternoon and Brandon, Peggy, Mom, and I all met in Lloyd's room at the hospital to hear what the doctor had to say. He had called up to Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center in Seattle to get Lloyd in on a protocol study. The appointment was set for Tuesday the 16th. We were told without treatment, Lloyd would have 30 to 60 days.
Brandon gave Lloyd a blessing while we were there, and he told me later that as soon as he laid his hands on Lloyd's head, Brandon knew Lloyd was going to die. But he still felt impressed to give Lloyd a blessing of hope and faith.
President Harry Hillstrom followed the promptings of the Spirit on this day also, and stopped at the hospital for a visit. Lloyd asked him to preside at the funeral.
Wednesday, Oct 10 - Lloyd is released home.
Thursday, Oct 11 - We go to visit Grandpa. It is the last time my boys will see him. They spent their time with him snuggling on the couch watching a movie.
Friday, Oct 12 - Mom takes Lloyd to the oncologist's office in Olympia where he gets an IV and morphine.
Saturday, Oct 13 - Mom takes Lloyd back to the ER, this time to Capital Medical Center, and he is admitted again. I spend some time at the hospital with him.
Sunday, Oct 14 - Another day at the hospital. We are waiting for him to get in to Seattle. I spend the afternoon after church.
(The rest are all emails. Any additional thoughts are in parentheses.)
Oct 15 - Thank you everyone for your fasting and prayers. He is and we are so grateful. He spent the day at Capital Medical waiting for a call from UW to transfer there. While he was waiting, the staff was busily getting him ready for the move. Around noon they took him to get a central line put in so he could start getting treatments for his leukemia as soon as they decide which treatment is the best course. While they had him for that procedure, they were also giving him platelets because he needed a blood transfusion. He reacted to the transfusions by spiking a 107 degree temp. He spent the rest of his time waiting in the ICU this afternoon.
I was shocked when I saw him this morning. He had really taken a downturn overnight. His leukemia was considered pre-acute last Tuesday and he is now at full acute level. It is moving fast, and his pneumonia is not getting better, in spite of the full range of antibiotics they have given him. Even with all this, his oncologist here still felt that the UW/Fred Hutch/Seattle Cancer Care Alliance clinical trial is his best bet. But, as of 3:00 this afternoon, Seattle wasn't sure they would have a bed for him until the morning, and with as quickly as he is going downhill, we were/are concerned he may not make it that long.
The good news in all this is that Mom called me just before 5 tonight to say he was on his way. Also, Lloyd's daughter-in-law works for a leading oncologist in the midwest and said that she has seen people at the same stage Lloyd is at, and within a few days they are improving. We're praying that that is true.
Many have asked what they can do, and right now what we need help with is watching my kids so I can spend some time with Mom in the hospital. Peggy and I have been trading off, and I called in for reinforcements today. It is going to be a long week, and having people to share the time with since I can't stay up in Seattle with mom (as much as I'd like to) will be very helpful. I know we're all praying for Lloyd, but please remember Mom, too. No one has been getting much sleep.
Someone also told me yesterday that you can donate blood and have it put aside for someone specific. Lloyd will be needing lots of transfusions, so if you are O pos, please donate for Lloyd.
We really appreciate you all. I know that many of you are far away, and we appreciate you and what you are doing very much.
Love,
Sarah
Oct 16 - Today was a long day. Mom went up to Seattle first thing this morning because Lloyd's nurse called and he wanted Mom with him. He had had a very tough night. Mom, Peggy, and I all were awake at 3:00 this morning and we all felt sure we were going to be getting the call. Fortunately it never came, but Lloyd told us today that around 3:00 he had a really bad episode and was ready to go. We are trusting in the Lord that this was his turning point.
He is in University of Washington Medical Center ICU. The doctors there are amazing. He has a team working to get him on the mend. What we had been told was the leukemia progressing is, in fact, his pneumonia progressing. That is not necessarily good news, but it is wonderful that these doctors are now focused solely on getting his pneumonia under control. The pneumonia is now fully in both lungs. His breathing has been very labored and his heart rate has been very high (avg. 150 bpm for you nurses). Today his heart rate shot to 260. The monitor said he was in vtach but the strips read differently, so we're not sure what his heart rhythm was, but they called a code blue and he is now on a ventilator. While that is not the best news, at least he doesn't have to put all his energy into breathing and stress his heart so much. Also, he is resting, which he hasn't been able to do for over a week!!!
The docs have run many, many tests to find out try to figure out what the infection is, but nothing has come back conclusively. The pulmonologist did a bronchoscopy and took washings to run some more tests. Sorry, I know I just went into medical mode. They looked at his lungs with a scope down his throat and took some samples for testing. In the meantime, they have him on every antibiotic, antiviral, and antifungal drug they can think of.
They won't even think about verifying and treating his leukemia until the pneumonia is on the mend. He's just too weak to even have another bone marrow biopsy, and they won't know what course of treatment to start until they know which type of leukemia he has.
My aunt from Gig Harbor went to spend this evening with Mom at the hospital, and another of my aunt's is coming from Utah tomorrow so Mom will have someone with her. I was so glad we were there today when they called the code and put him on the ventilator. I'm not sure how she could have handled it without someone there to support her. And we were all there for each other.
The good news of today is that, before they put a tube in his mouth, he was asking for soda and chocolate. He kept saying he "wanted a treat." All of you who know Lloyd know that that is a good sign. He was much more alert than yesterday, and I was very relieved to see that he looked the same instead of worse.
We're so grateful for all your prayers. I don't think he would have pulled through last night without them. And thank you for your prayers for us. I know that they are helping give us strength and comfort so we can be there for Lloyd.
Love,
Sarah
Oct 17 - Hey all.
Lloyd is about the same today. His pneumonia is possibly a little worse. He is still on the ventilator. No news is good news, right?
Thank you so much for your continued prayers. He's definitely not out of the woods yet.
Love,
Sarah
(This is the day he went into kidney failure.)
Oct 19 - Peg and I got stuck in traffic on our way home last night, so I was too tired to try to think coherently enough to put some thoughts together. He is doing better. When they put him on the ventilator they had to sedate him and the sedation drugs dropped his blood pressure considerably, so they had to give him medication to keep his blood pressure up. He's also on a vaso constrictor because one of the bp meds made his blood vessels dilate. I love how it's a snowball effect. But anyway, they are weaning him from those. He had about 2 hours yesterday where he didn't have any sedation with they ventilator and he did well. They are probably going to drop the settings on the ventilator today and see how he does breathing on his own with the tube. The pulmonologist said that he'd like to see the bp meds at a lot lower levels before he'll feel comfortable removing the tube. My optimism says that he'll be ready tomorrow. But I don't know if the docs agree with me.
When I was there, I was talking to him and he really seemed like he wanted to be part of the conversation. He's aware of what is happening, even though his eyes are closed. Every time I told him he had to show them he didn't need that tube anymore, he would take really deep breaths and over-breathe the ventilator. He also only spiked a fever once last night and has been without a fever since. Things are really looking up.
Mom is very tired. She is getting discouraged sitting there day after day. I'm going to take her some clothes so she can go to the temple and get some spiritual perspective instead of being surrounded by the medical perspective. Please remember to pray for her as well.
Thank you so, so much for your prayers. I know they are making a difference.
Love,
Sarah
(He went into shock when he was intubated.)
PS - Bob Riggin came to visit yesterday and there was no problem with him being there, so if you'd like to visit, just send me an email and I'll give you directions.
(Oct 19 - He started to show signs of liver failure.)
Oct 20 - Hello All,
We are so grateful for your prayers, love, support, and concern. Lloyd passed away today peacefully. His kidneys and liver had failed and add that to already being on a ventilator, his body was just done. We can't tell you all enough how much we love you. Funeral information will follow shortly.
Love,
Margaret, Sarah, and Peggy
(We had a conference this morning with the team of doctors treating Lloyd. I wasn't ready to give up, even though Mom knew the time was up. I asked the doctors many, many questions about what could be done, what needed to be done, what the chances were to get over his pneumonia and then treat the leukemia, and after I finally got all the information, I knew, also, that Lloyd's time here was over. Mom made the very difficult decision to turn off the ventilator, and after two very shallow breaths, he was gone. I didn't see him before the conference, but after, when I went to spend a few minutes with him, I knew was already gone. Only his body was keeping him here.)
Sunday, Oct 6 - Lloyd has been pretty sick for a few days, but felt well enough to get out of the house and go for a ride. He told Mom this sickness was something different and knew he was going to die. Mom took Lloyd to ER in Centralia that night. He was diagnosed with pneumonia in his left lower lobe and admitted to the hospital.
Tuesday, Oct 9 - Lloyd is still in the hospital being treated for pneumonia and Mom went to work. She got a call from the oncologist while at work telling her they found leukemia and were going to start treatment that same day. He scheduled a meeting for 5 that afternoon and Brandon, Peggy, Mom, and I all met in Lloyd's room at the hospital to hear what the doctor had to say. He had called up to Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center in Seattle to get Lloyd in on a protocol study. The appointment was set for Tuesday the 16th. We were told without treatment, Lloyd would have 30 to 60 days.
Brandon gave Lloyd a blessing while we were there, and he told me later that as soon as he laid his hands on Lloyd's head, Brandon knew Lloyd was going to die. But he still felt impressed to give Lloyd a blessing of hope and faith.
President Harry Hillstrom followed the promptings of the Spirit on this day also, and stopped at the hospital for a visit. Lloyd asked him to preside at the funeral.
Wednesday, Oct 10 - Lloyd is released home.
Thursday, Oct 11 - We go to visit Grandpa. It is the last time my boys will see him. They spent their time with him snuggling on the couch watching a movie.
Friday, Oct 12 - Mom takes Lloyd to the oncologist's office in Olympia where he gets an IV and morphine.
Saturday, Oct 13 - Mom takes Lloyd back to the ER, this time to Capital Medical Center, and he is admitted again. I spend some time at the hospital with him.
Sunday, Oct 14 - Another day at the hospital. We are waiting for him to get in to Seattle. I spend the afternoon after church.
(The rest are all emails. Any additional thoughts are in parentheses.)
Oct 15 - Thank you everyone for your fasting and prayers. He is and we are so grateful. He spent the day at Capital Medical waiting for a call from UW to transfer there. While he was waiting, the staff was busily getting him ready for the move. Around noon they took him to get a central line put in so he could start getting treatments for his leukemia as soon as they decide which treatment is the best course. While they had him for that procedure, they were also giving him platelets because he needed a blood transfusion. He reacted to the transfusions by spiking a 107 degree temp. He spent the rest of his time waiting in the ICU this afternoon.
I was shocked when I saw him this morning. He had really taken a downturn overnight. His leukemia was considered pre-acute last Tuesday and he is now at full acute level. It is moving fast, and his pneumonia is not getting better, in spite of the full range of antibiotics they have given him. Even with all this, his oncologist here still felt that the UW/Fred Hutch/Seattle Cancer Care Alliance clinical trial is his best bet. But, as of 3:00 this afternoon, Seattle wasn't sure they would have a bed for him until the morning, and with as quickly as he is going downhill, we were/are concerned he may not make it that long.
The good news in all this is that Mom called me just before 5 tonight to say he was on his way. Also, Lloyd's daughter-in-law works for a leading oncologist in the midwest and said that she has seen people at the same stage Lloyd is at, and within a few days they are improving. We're praying that that is true.
Many have asked what they can do, and right now what we need help with is watching my kids so I can spend some time with Mom in the hospital. Peggy and I have been trading off, and I called in for reinforcements today. It is going to be a long week, and having people to share the time with since I can't stay up in Seattle with mom (as much as I'd like to) will be very helpful. I know we're all praying for Lloyd, but please remember Mom, too. No one has been getting much sleep.
Someone also told me yesterday that you can donate blood and have it put aside for someone specific. Lloyd will be needing lots of transfusions, so if you are O pos, please donate for Lloyd.
We really appreciate you all. I know that many of you are far away, and we appreciate you and what you are doing very much.
Love,
Sarah
Oct 16 - Today was a long day. Mom went up to Seattle first thing this morning because Lloyd's nurse called and he wanted Mom with him. He had had a very tough night. Mom, Peggy, and I all were awake at 3:00 this morning and we all felt sure we were going to be getting the call. Fortunately it never came, but Lloyd told us today that around 3:00 he had a really bad episode and was ready to go. We are trusting in the Lord that this was his turning point.
He is in University of Washington Medical Center ICU. The doctors there are amazing. He has a team working to get him on the mend. What we had been told was the leukemia progressing is, in fact, his pneumonia progressing. That is not necessarily good news, but it is wonderful that these doctors are now focused solely on getting his pneumonia under control. The pneumonia is now fully in both lungs. His breathing has been very labored and his heart rate has been very high (avg. 150 bpm for you nurses). Today his heart rate shot to 260. The monitor said he was in vtach but the strips read differently, so we're not sure what his heart rhythm was, but they called a code blue and he is now on a ventilator. While that is not the best news, at least he doesn't have to put all his energy into breathing and stress his heart so much. Also, he is resting, which he hasn't been able to do for over a week!!!
The docs have run many, many tests to find out try to figure out what the infection is, but nothing has come back conclusively. The pulmonologist did a bronchoscopy and took washings to run some more tests. Sorry, I know I just went into medical mode. They looked at his lungs with a scope down his throat and took some samples for testing. In the meantime, they have him on every antibiotic, antiviral, and antifungal drug they can think of.
They won't even think about verifying and treating his leukemia until the pneumonia is on the mend. He's just too weak to even have another bone marrow biopsy, and they won't know what course of treatment to start until they know which type of leukemia he has.
My aunt from Gig Harbor went to spend this evening with Mom at the hospital, and another of my aunt's is coming from Utah tomorrow so Mom will have someone with her. I was so glad we were there today when they called the code and put him on the ventilator. I'm not sure how she could have handled it without someone there to support her. And we were all there for each other.
The good news of today is that, before they put a tube in his mouth, he was asking for soda and chocolate. He kept saying he "wanted a treat." All of you who know Lloyd know that that is a good sign. He was much more alert than yesterday, and I was very relieved to see that he looked the same instead of worse.
We're so grateful for all your prayers. I don't think he would have pulled through last night without them. And thank you for your prayers for us. I know that they are helping give us strength and comfort so we can be there for Lloyd.
Love,
Sarah
Oct 17 - Hey all.
Lloyd is about the same today. His pneumonia is possibly a little worse. He is still on the ventilator. No news is good news, right?
Thank you so much for your continued prayers. He's definitely not out of the woods yet.
Love,
Sarah
(This is the day he went into kidney failure.)
Oct 19 - Peg and I got stuck in traffic on our way home last night, so I was too tired to try to think coherently enough to put some thoughts together. He is doing better. When they put him on the ventilator they had to sedate him and the sedation drugs dropped his blood pressure considerably, so they had to give him medication to keep his blood pressure up. He's also on a vaso constrictor because one of the bp meds made his blood vessels dilate. I love how it's a snowball effect. But anyway, they are weaning him from those. He had about 2 hours yesterday where he didn't have any sedation with they ventilator and he did well. They are probably going to drop the settings on the ventilator today and see how he does breathing on his own with the tube. The pulmonologist said that he'd like to see the bp meds at a lot lower levels before he'll feel comfortable removing the tube. My optimism says that he'll be ready tomorrow. But I don't know if the docs agree with me.
When I was there, I was talking to him and he really seemed like he wanted to be part of the conversation. He's aware of what is happening, even though his eyes are closed. Every time I told him he had to show them he didn't need that tube anymore, he would take really deep breaths and over-breathe the ventilator. He also only spiked a fever once last night and has been without a fever since. Things are really looking up.
Mom is very tired. She is getting discouraged sitting there day after day. I'm going to take her some clothes so she can go to the temple and get some spiritual perspective instead of being surrounded by the medical perspective. Please remember to pray for her as well.
Thank you so, so much for your prayers. I know they are making a difference.
Love,
Sarah
(He went into shock when he was intubated.)
PS - Bob Riggin came to visit yesterday and there was no problem with him being there, so if you'd like to visit, just send me an email and I'll give you directions.
(Oct 19 - He started to show signs of liver failure.)
Oct 20 - Hello All,
We are so grateful for your prayers, love, support, and concern. Lloyd passed away today peacefully. His kidneys and liver had failed and add that to already being on a ventilator, his body was just done. We can't tell you all enough how much we love you. Funeral information will follow shortly.
Love,
Margaret, Sarah, and Peggy
(We had a conference this morning with the team of doctors treating Lloyd. I wasn't ready to give up, even though Mom knew the time was up. I asked the doctors many, many questions about what could be done, what needed to be done, what the chances were to get over his pneumonia and then treat the leukemia, and after I finally got all the information, I knew, also, that Lloyd's time here was over. Mom made the very difficult decision to turn off the ventilator, and after two very shallow breaths, he was gone. I didn't see him before the conference, but after, when I went to spend a few minutes with him, I knew was already gone. Only his body was keeping him here.)
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
A tee ball tale
Tee ball is so great. I think I posted last year about how much fun it is to watch all the kids run around without a clue of what they are supposed to do. I love it!
Hyrum is playing tee ball this year. Saturday is his last game, and boy will I be glad to have our life back! We had both boys in ball this spring and it was a lot. There were some weeks when we had something scheduled every single night, and some nights where we were double booked. It's been insane!
Anyway, the other night Hyrum and Seamus (a boy on his team) were both running in to home, when, CRASH! A collision at home plate. The man with the mad camera skills (Brandon) got it all on film, or whatever it's called now. Memory card just doesn't sound right....
Hyrum is playing tee ball this year. Saturday is his last game, and boy will I be glad to have our life back! We had both boys in ball this spring and it was a lot. There were some weeks when we had something scheduled every single night, and some nights where we were double booked. It's been insane!
Anyway, the other night Hyrum and Seamus (a boy on his team) were both running in to home, when, CRASH! A collision at home plate. The man with the mad camera skills (Brandon) got it all on film, or whatever it's called now. Memory card just doesn't sound right....
No harm, no foul. Just a little embarrassment and a cute face.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
{insert maniacal laughter here}
A month or so ago I read an article in the Ensign about a mother who was having a hard time with her two-year-old throwing fits. She mentioned that she asked for an added measure of patience and then shared the wonderful results. Since I am having an issue with a fit thrower, I thought, "I should pray for that, too!"
{Here's where there should be angelic maniacal laughter.}
I'm positive that Heaven has a sense of humor. I'm even more positive that they love special requests. It must be so fun to come up with challenges to make sure the person is satisfied with the answer/gift/blessing they've asked for.
I did indeed feel my patience being tried. And I also felt the divine help I'd asked for. I even woke up one morning to three grumpy kids and a crying baby and the emergency test signal "this is a test, this is only a test" kept running through my head. A helpful little reminder, you know.
Well, after a few weeks of reminders, apparently it was time for the real test.
{enter a cold}
Hyrum got sick. It wasn't too bad. A day of sitting on the couch with a video game controller seemed to to a lot of good.
Then Jonah got sick. Oh mercy. Everything you could imagine with a cold, he got. Including the ever lovely double ear infection. I don't want to go into the disgusting specifics.
Then James got sick. Oh, yeah. Another ear infection. The best part of having two sick littles is that the only time one sleeps is when the other is awake. I'll let you figure that one out.
Then Sterling got sick. Really just a little sore throat and some PND that made him cough in the morning, but since we already had two round of antibiotics going, I figured I should have him checked for strep. Fortunately he was clear, but still in pain. A day of sitting on the couch with a video game controller seemed to to a lot of good. Amazing how that works!
Then Jonah got sick. Again. All the same as before, but worse, if that is possible. Possible pink eye and sinus infection. Stronger antibiotics, here we come!
Then Hyrum got sick, again. Still not too bad. Oh, yeah, James woke up all congested the same day. The day after his antibiotics were over. And I woke up feeling snotty and with a bit of a sore throat. And I was out of toilet paper. That was Monday.
This has been the last four weeks of my life.
But let me tell you, it has been the most peaceful four weeks we've had in a long time. That divine intervention I asked for has been with me every step of the way. On days when I really shouldn't even be able to function for lack of sleep, I've made it through just fine. Yes, my house looks much worse for the wear, there have been many mornings where there is a hunt for clean clothes to wear, and dinner has been sub par, but there has not been anger or frustration. Well, at least not outward displays of it. Last night I did about lose it when no one was in bed at 8:30, but I was gently reminded that yelling would only make everyone go to bed with hurt and sadness. I'm so grateful for those little reminders.
But the moral of the story is, don't pray for patience!
{Here's where there should be angelic maniacal laughter.}
I'm positive that Heaven has a sense of humor. I'm even more positive that they love special requests. It must be so fun to come up with challenges to make sure the person is satisfied with the answer/gift/blessing they've asked for.
I did indeed feel my patience being tried. And I also felt the divine help I'd asked for. I even woke up one morning to three grumpy kids and a crying baby and the emergency test signal "this is a test, this is only a test" kept running through my head. A helpful little reminder, you know.
Well, after a few weeks of reminders, apparently it was time for the real test.
{enter a cold}
Hyrum got sick. It wasn't too bad. A day of sitting on the couch with a video game controller seemed to to a lot of good.
Then Jonah got sick. Oh mercy. Everything you could imagine with a cold, he got. Including the ever lovely double ear infection. I don't want to go into the disgusting specifics.
Then James got sick. Oh, yeah. Another ear infection. The best part of having two sick littles is that the only time one sleeps is when the other is awake. I'll let you figure that one out.
Then Sterling got sick. Really just a little sore throat and some PND that made him cough in the morning, but since we already had two round of antibiotics going, I figured I should have him checked for strep. Fortunately he was clear, but still in pain. A day of sitting on the couch with a video game controller seemed to to a lot of good. Amazing how that works!
Then Jonah got sick. Again. All the same as before, but worse, if that is possible. Possible pink eye and sinus infection. Stronger antibiotics, here we come!
Then Hyrum got sick, again. Still not too bad. Oh, yeah, James woke up all congested the same day. The day after his antibiotics were over. And I woke up feeling snotty and with a bit of a sore throat. And I was out of toilet paper. That was Monday.
This has been the last four weeks of my life.
But let me tell you, it has been the most peaceful four weeks we've had in a long time. That divine intervention I asked for has been with me every step of the way. On days when I really shouldn't even be able to function for lack of sleep, I've made it through just fine. Yes, my house looks much worse for the wear, there have been many mornings where there is a hunt for clean clothes to wear, and dinner has been sub par, but there has not been anger or frustration. Well, at least not outward displays of it. Last night I did about lose it when no one was in bed at 8:30, but I was gently reminded that yelling would only make everyone go to bed with hurt and sadness. I'm so grateful for those little reminders.
But the moral of the story is, don't pray for patience!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
So you say you have a blog...
I'm sure that's what you all are thinking. Life is super busy! And I'm sure you'd love to see some pictures, but you might just have to become friends with Brandon on FB to see updated pics of any kind....
In the meantime, I have some news! No, I'm not pregnant. (I know you all thought that!)
Brandon got a new job! He's been looking for a while, and when our stake started fasting for an increase of jobs in our area, he also started fasting for himself, that he might be able to make a change.
He starts working at LongviewFibre on Monday as a Senior Communications Specialist and will be doing all kinds of internal newsletters and communication stuff, as well as staying in touch with the media and doing press releases and such. He's very, very excited. And that means we're all very, very excited!
Anyway, that's it for now. And probably for a while, if you really want the truth! Although I have been feeling like this is at least some sort of journaling, and I'm better at this than writing in a journal. Anyway, ttfn!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Merry Christmas!!
Dear… Everyone!
This year as got me feeling so far behind with everything, Brandon and I thought that this would be better than nothing!
This year has been wonderful. Aren’t they all? I mean, even when we have a terrible year, we’re still alive and kicking. Plus, if we’re trusting in the Lord, then we’re being blessed, and that makes it good.
It started out with a pregnancy (those are always tough), and ended (almost) with a ten year anniversary. In between, we got a beautiful baby, didn’t get to spend enough time with everyone, and watched our crazies grow. Our house, that seemed so big when we moved in, is starting to feel pretty small. We’re trying figure out how and where we can bump it out a little.
Brandon is working for the same State Agency he started with when we moved back. It has been a great job, and we are grateful for it. Just this month he applied for and got a new position in the department that will help him be more upwardly mobile.
He’s also still the Elder’s Quorum President. That keeps us very busy. Him because he’s gone doing service or at meetings, and me because that means extra time trying to keep the house from falling down around me (sometimes with success)!! Boys are nuts!
I’m enjoying my time at home. Earlier this year I was fantasizing about getting out of the house to work, but I was reminded that this is such an important time for me to be with the kids and teach them correct principles. Although it requires lots of prayers for patience, I know it’s where I need to be.
I also just got called to the Relief Society Presidency at church. I’m so sad to not be working with the little ones any more. Isn’t it funny how that works? You get an assignment and feel overwhelmed by it and then you cry when you get a new assignment? I don’t feel like I belong in RS anymore! I just want to sing Primary songs all day!
Sterling started public school this year and is loving it. He has a friend that was recently baptized in his class and I really feel like they are going to be great friends and help each other make the right choices. He is still taking piano lessons, and we beam every time he plays. His Christmas recital was at the beginning of the month and he played “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” with a big group. It was fabulous. He had some knee issues this summer, which was diagnosed as a meniscal tear, but with rest and physical therapy (all the way up in Seattle), he’s avoided surgery. Yay!
Hyrum is busy. All the time, busy! He is in Brandon’s mom’s preschool and really loves it. He is artistic and rambunctious. He’s already sounding out and writing words. He’ll be another avid reader. He’s also totally in love with James. If James fusses the tiniest bit, Hyrum is right there to kiss and hug him. Lately Hyrum has had a cold and has had a hard time being told that he can’t be around the baby! He and Jonah are at the “trying to assert dominance” phase, so sometimes they are best friends and others worst enemies, but they really love playing together.
Jonah has taken the spot of family clown. It must be a two-year-old thing. He is a crack-up and is always in the middle of the playing trying to keep up with the big boys.
And James is just a little slice of heaven!! I know in just a short time he’ll join in all the mayhem, so I just snuggle him a lot. Brandon calls him “Jimmer” because of the star basketball player Jimmer Fredette, and it drives me nuts! But he does it in a loving way, so…
With all the wrestling, running, jumping, and yelling, we are amazed at our blessings. I decided that at some point we need to install a locker-room shower, but that will be a few years away…. In the meantime, our bed is the wrestling mat and we have runways in the house. It is a wonderful life, and even though we might want to trade them to the highest bidder some days, we love our boys and all the fun that comes with them.
I never could have imagined we could be where we are today. I always dreamed it, but to have it be a reality is really unfathomable. Our home is full of love and laughter, and we spend every minute we can together.
We wish you the same and more.
Love, Sarah Chapman [and Brandon, Sterling, Hyrum, Jonah, Jimmer and Jadyn (dog)]
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