A Xmas Eve for the records...

I wish I could post pictures but I am OUT OF SPACE...alas, here goes:

Feeling grateful for Christmas miracles...

T-man woke up around 2 a.m. this morning hurling his guts out. We felt so bad for the little man. Such bad timing. A HUGE bonus was the fact that he managed to get it all on the floor, and none on the bedding...phew!

I remembered reading something about essential oils and stomach aches somewhere - google to the rescue - and PEPPERMINT looked like a good choice, especially considering the fact that I happened to have some on hand! I spread it over his stomach, wrists, temples and the back of his neck, behind his ears. I told him he was going to be as good as new in the morning (the power of positive thought...can't hurt to think positive thoughts, right?!) even though our neighbor boy was laid out with the stomach flu all day Saturday and ended up going in for a shot to ease the nausea.

Well what-d'ya-know...TJPants woke up feeling a bit nauseated, a little tired, but overall, not bad! By lunch time he was munching on soda crackers, by the afternoon he was playing in the snow (ANOTHER Christmas miracle!!!), and by dinner time he was eating General Tao's chicken and Pecan Shrimp at a Chinese restaurant.

After dinner he was so excited to play "Secret Santa" - his favorite tradition - with big Bro. We have been doorbell ditching the same two widows (and one of their sons) every Xmas Eve for the past three years. The boys love it.

After that, we came back to the house, opened new Xmas PJ's & slippers, and a new book (The Christmas Train, by President Monson), read and sang our way through the Christmas story, said prayer, and went to bed.

Santa is pooped...time for bed.

God bless us EVERY ONE. (He does - every day - with blessings big AND small.)

letting it go...

In preparing to "publish" this blog into a book, I discovered some random, unpublished posts that I would hate to leave out, despite the fact that they are WAY out of order (i.e. about 4 years old). I COULD spend hours figuring out how to get them to post chronologically (if you know how, would you drop me a hint), but my time would be better spent in meaningful ways...

so I'm letting it go...

We love you Grandma. Thank you for your legacy...

OOPS...I'm back. Perhaps the problem with publishing posts years after the fact is that you forget what you really had in mind at the time. This was NOT my Grandma's funeral (first clue - the fact that she was sitting there with all of us). This was my Grandfather's funeral. Love you Grandpa - you sweet, saxophone playing, hard working, loving, faithful man.

but SERIOUSLY...

This is how it may LOOK if you happen to "drop by" my house on any given day...

I know, I'm pretty much perfect huh?! Or so it would appear. I have been thinking a LOT lately about how often we compare our worst selves to everyone else's best selves. It's really too bad, because we ALL have our dark closets, and you know what?! I'm COMIN' OUT of mine...
This is what its REALLY at our house like behind closed doors...

Hi - I'm back...4 years later. If I had finished this post, I'm guessing you would have seen pictures of my "stash and dash" pile (everyone has one), crying children, me in my pj's, clothes on the floor of the laundry room, etc. The point = we're ALL imperfect. Comparing ourselves to others is a tool of the Adversary. We judge others AND OURSELVES in the blink of an eye. Our Savior invites us to practice compassion and to love one another (this includes self). If you are struggling with not feeling like you're enough, pray to see yourself through His eyes. You might be surprised with what you learn. You are DIVINE. You are chosen. You are seen. You are HIS.

aiming for...

perfection

imperfection

validation

balance

...PRESENCE

(side note - this was written in the spring of 2012)

I recently took a position as a long term substitute teacher in a 2nd grade classroom for the remainder of the school year.  Many parents were unhappy with the regular teacher.  Five children have been taken out of this class during the year.  I have been unhappy with MANY of my children's teachers throughout the years.  Having been a teacher myself, I know what I expect(ed) of myself, and I knew I would have high expectations for my children's teachers.

I have changed much as a teacher since having my own children.  I have much more compassion now.  I look at each child as if he/she were my own.  I feel so much pressure to make sure that every single second spent at school - all 7 HOURS of school - needs to be worthy of taking these sweet babies away from their mama's.  (Can you tell I miss my kids WAY too much and wish I could keep them home with me all day?)

As a teacher, I have high expectations.  I believe in my students.  I am strict, and I try to be loving and fun at the same time.  Today I had to take away a privilege - the Leprechaun traps will have to wait until tomorrow.  I also had to give them "a talk".  A talk about Mrs. Bennett going home with a headache.  A talk about violation of 3 rules.  The ONLY 3 rules we have in our classroom - 1. be safe, 2. be fair, 3. do your best.  Two of my students cried.  And it almost KILLED ME!  I felt horrible.  I quickly offered love and validation.  "Mrs. Bennett loves you all.  You are GOOD kids, but we need to follow the rules to make school a good place for EVERYONE." These kids have been in an environment for 6 months that had absolutely no classroom management/discipline, and they are eating this new stuff up, but it is definitely a big adjustment.  I have had several parents and students tell me how much happier they are now.  If I sound like I'm trying to brag, I'm merely trying to convince myself that I'm enough.  That I'm okay.  That I can DO this!  

Do you ever beat yourself up?  Are you driven to perfection?  I was at work today for 10 HOURS!!  (Keep in mind that as a substitute I get paid for 8, and even then get about $10 per hour.)  Mine was the last car in the parking lot when I left.  I was spent.  I had nothing left to offer my own sweet boys.  Nothing but impatience, and a raunchy attitude.  I find myself apologizing a lot lately.  I also find myself eating a HUGE piece of humble pie.  I complained for years that my husband worked too much and too hard.  That his priorities were not in line.  I'm realizing the thing they say about the shoes...and walking a mile in someone else's...is truer than true.

I don't even know what the purpose of this post is, other than to vent and to ask the question...HOW DO YOU DO IT?  How do you find balance?  How do you stay present?  How do you have high expectations for yourself, but love yourself at the same time?

As I was running this evening (trying to work off some "steam"), I thought....'Niki...just BE.  Right where you are.  Just BE.'  And I felt peace...at least for a moment, and then I started thinking about the past, and the future.  

Surprise!

It's been so nice to have some time off from school to be a mom and a home maker. I am loving my crafting, cleaning and organizing time, and even more-so, my MOM time!

Last week I picked P-Ditty up from school unexpectedly for lunch and Xmas shopping at the Dollar Store. He was thrilled with the exception of one BIG glitch...he had won his classroom spelling bee and was to participate in the school-wide one but missed it because we were playing hookie...OOPS!

This week I picked T-Man up and we enjoyed the same date. He was so excited. I love seeing his little face light up.

P-Ditty actually acknowledged me for "being a fun mom and planning surprises like lunch and Xmas shopping" during our family check-in this evening at dinner. LOVE those brownie points even more when they are appreciated! "Every night," (otherwise known as the nights that I actually manage to cook and get my family around the table together) we share the best part/worst part of our day, something we learned (or relearned), 3 things we're grateful for, and 3 things we love about ourselves. Then each person tells 3 things they love about the person checking in. It's a nice way to get conversation going, acknowledge our blessings, and show appreciation for ourselves and for one another.

It really is the simple things - surprise lunch with mom, snuggling on the couch to watch Xmas movies, T.I.M.E. spent together. My goal for 2013 is being INTENTIONAL with my time - 1. best (essential things - family and spirituality), 2. better (cleaning the house, paying the bills, school work, etc.), 3. good (fun)

I want to align my actions with the things (and people) that I value most. I love and appreciate my family and the Gospel with all of my heart but my choices don't always reflect that. Here's to change...

Grateful, Humbled, Inspired...

Tonight I was reminded of the reason I chose to pursue my Master's Degree in Social Work. I have been so busy with writing papers and completing tasks that I completely lost sight of my purpose. I founded "Love What You Got!" in 2010 after moving to Salt Lake City. I wrote a book and started conducted seminars on body image and self-worth throughout the community. I quickly felt pushed to my limits and wanted the credibility (and expertise) to do more. I wanted to be able to offer more help to more people. This evening I presented my seminar (for the first time since school started last fall) to 150 women in our stake. The Spirit of our Father in Heaven was so strong. The truth of His message - that we are HIS DAUGHTERS, that we are DIVINE, that we are BEAUTIFUL on the INSIDE (and that kind of beauty never fades, by the way) - was powerful. The words I spoke were not my words - they were HIS words. I feel energized and supercharged. I have passion and purpose...and its all because I had the opportunity to reach OUTSIDE OF MYSELF and make a difference for someone else. If there was ONE PERSON there tonight that goes home feeling a little bit better about herself, the work, stress and time I put forth was well worth it. The fact is, I KNOW that at least one person feels that way...ME! God is good. We are loved. Life is blessed.

Dedicated to my future Daughters in Law...You're Welcome

My boys are stud muffins. That's all there is to it. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed with being in school full time (6 classes and a 15 hour/week internship), trying to keep the house running (with the help of my awesome husband), trying to be a good mom, and just trying to deal with life in general. So many people that I love are going through devastating and life-changing trials. Today I feel as though I can barely breathe. Ten page papers, grieving friends, laundry, empty cupboards...children at my internship suffering with homelessness, parents with substance abuse problems, abuse, neglect and hunger ... it feels all-consuming. I picked P-Ditty up from piano lessons and put my head on the steering wheel to pray while I waited for him. He came out to the car and said, "Mom, what's wrong? Are you okay?" To which I responded, "Yeah, I'm just really stressed and overwhelmed." "Aw, I'm sorry. Talk to me mom! What's going on?," he replied. I then gave him a child-appropriate version of what I'm feeling, to which he responded, "Well, try not to focus on all of that stuff right now. Focus on what's positive right now. You're getting straight A's in school, you've done really well on your papers, you're keeping the house clean...focus on all the good stuff. You can worry later!" I immediately felt my body soften and my breath deepen. And then T-man added, "Yeah, this morning I was really nervous that you wouldn't be there to pick me up from the bus stop this afternoon, and then I said to myself, 'You have a long time before you need to worry about that,' and before I knew it I was home, and you were there!" My sweet boys humble me, inspire me, and teach me every day. I'm so grateful that they are learning to be perceptive, empathetic and compassionate. I'm grateful that they know how to express themselves and invite others to do the same. I Love them so much!!! I'm a blessed mother.

Grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ

I had an amazing experience at church this morning. I really wanted to play hooky and stay home. I'm so grateful that I didn't. Brad Wilcox came and spoke, and the Spirit was so strong. When I was 15, my friend Suzy invited me to EFY (Especially for Youth) at BYU in Provo, Utah. She assured me that it would be "the most Spiritual experience of your life." I remember thinking - "The last thing I want right now is a Spiritual experience." That experience proved to be life changing for me. It is where I first gained a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and of our Savior. Brad Wilcox spoke there - we never missed one of his classes - along with Kenneth Cope, and I could no longer deny the feelings that I felt. I spent the next three summers attending EFY. As I mentioned awhile back, my testimony has been a bit shaky for the past few years. There are so many things that I have been taught at church that do not set right with me. Take, for instance, the teaching that we have mortality to "figure it out" or we're damned. To think of a God that loves me more than I can comprehend that would banish me from His presence for eternity just didn't make sense. I love my children with all of my heart. So much so, that there is nothing they could do to make me never want to see them again. Today Brad spoke of "worthiness." He said that we don't pray, attend the temple and partake of the sacrament because we're worthy, we do those things because we NEED them. He said that being with God eternally is not the end, it's the MEANS. We were already with Him in the pre-existence. Why would we have come to earth if the only thing we were trying to accomplish was returning to Him someday?! What we noticed, was that our Heavenly Parents were different than us - their bodies AND their spirits. We wanted to become like them. He explained the scripture that reads, "it is by grace that we are saved after all we can do," and pointed out that meanings change based upon where we put the emphasis. He explained that WE, refers to us AND the Savior. We already have grace, and we do need works, but not to receive His love, but so that we will WANT to receive His love! He has given us commandments to HELP us! He spoke of his nephew that is in prison - for the second time. When he was a teenager, Brad thought that he should attend EFY. He did, but only lasted a day. He called his mother and demanded "Get me OUT of here!" He didn't want to be there. Brad pointed out that he had always pictured judgement day as the Savior standing there with a clip board and declaring - "Oh Brad, you were SO close! Only 2 points. TWO POINTS!" And then he would beg the Savior for another chance. He said that what is more likely is that the Savior will be begging US to stay and partake of the blessings of His atonement, but that we won't WANT to be there if we are not one with Him. It made so much sense to me. It has been said that true doctrine "tastes good." This definitely tasted good. My heart was so warm that I couldn't hold my tears back.

Grateful #3

I am grateful for Christmas music!!! It puts my heart and my spirit in a happy place. We were burglarized a couple of weeks ago - more on that later. I went through a few different emotions that first week and then settled on anger. I'm ready for someone to pay. Last weekend I had myself so worked up that I wanted to hurt someone...it was not good. I put some Xmas music on and within a matter of minutes I was my happy, hopeful self again.

Some of my favorites:

• Carpenter's Xmas
• Jewel
• Sarah McLaughlin
• Harry Conick, Jr. 
• Bath & Body Works have put out a couple of great sets
• Kohl's also puts out a pretty good CD every year
• U2, Natalie Merchant and Sting have a couple of great Xmas hits

What are your favorites?

BRING ON THE RED AND GREEN! Can't wait to decorate today. And any burglars out there with funny ideas...we're ready for you this time. Come on in, but don't forget to smile - YOU'RE ON CAMERA! I may be happy now, but I'm still feisty! :)

Gratitudinous Numero Dos

I may be a day late, and a dollar short, but yesterday - and everyday - I am grateful for my sister! I've been so blessed to have her in my life not only as a friend, but as a role model to look up to. She has been a great example to me physically (she inspired me to exercise and take care of my body YEARS ago - I need it for my physical and MENTAL health!), intellectually (going back to school to get her Interior Design degree), emotionally (offering love, support and encouragement whenever I need it), and Spiritually.

She is a friend and a confidant, she is an awesome aunt to my children, a wonderful mother and wife to her family...and she is my sister. I love you with all of  my heart sis! Can't imagine my life without you in it.

Grateful...

I am so behind on the family blog that its overwhelming. So...rather than trying to play catch up, in honor of November (and Thanksgiving), I dedicate 30 posts of Gratitude in 30 days to this lovely BLOG. Today, I am grateful for... 

My children! I thank my Father in Heaven for them each and every day - multiple times each day, in fact. They have brought me unspeakable joy, taught me hard lessons, forgiven me, loved me unconditionally and helped me realize just how blessed I am. I thought that I knew what love was...until I became a mother. At times if feels as if my heart could burst. I love you PDitty - you creative, kind, funny, musical, honest, intelligent, wise "old soul." I love you Tman - you sweet, sensitive, caring,courageous, helpful, hard-working, thoughtful little athlete. 

My boys are LOL Funny...

• P-Ditty (in trouble):  “T-man, you’re so venerable.”  Mom: “What did you say?”  P-Ditty:  “Venerable – it means well-respected!”
• P-Ditty:  “I can tell [________] has a crush on me because she’s kind of avoiding me .  John can tell too.”  Me:  “Do you have a crush on her?”  P-Ditty – “I don’t know.  I’d have to see her parents so I know what she looks like when she gets older.”
• T-man:  “I can tell [_______] has a little anxious crush on me cuz she keeps like smilin’ at me, and doin’ nice things to me like lettin’ me butt her in line and telling me I’m a good friend and stuff.”
• P-Ditty (praying): sorry for the contention that was caused in this house and for the quarreling and fighting, thank you for this lovely day......"
• P-Ditty – after “volunteering” to do work at the neighbors… “She gave me a tip, but its not 1982!”  (She gave him $.50.  haha)
• P-Ditty – “Every time my teacher says Uranus everyone laughs.  Cuz you know, Urine – us?!  Like Urine?”  After that, we had a talk about anus’.
• T-man – with his new rock set from Aunt Carol:  “This is my bag of destiny!”
• P-Ditty – on our Disneyland trip, referring to the neighboring balcony – “Looks like these guys were getting their noses wet last night!” (Drinking.)
• P-Ditty – “I think you’ve lost forebearance with me.” 
• T-man: “If you swear with your swear finger will it come true?”
• T-man – “Please turn off all of your electronic devices, say your prayers, close the door and go to bed. Goodnight!”
• T-man: "It seems kinda like dad's are specialer than moms, cuz its like Santa - dad, Jesus - dad...its just kinda weird."
• P-ditty – “Got a bloody nose?” TJ: “Yep - 2 ^{bloody nose I’ve had!” P-Ditty – “Wow, you’re  growing up!” T-man – “Well Calvin got bloody noses and he was only 5!” P-Ditty – “Guess you’re just a late bloomer.”}
• TJ – “No more Mr. Nice Guy!”
• TJ – (upon smelling skunk) “I hope I didn’t get stinked ‘cuz then I’ll have to take a tomato bath!”
• TJ to PB on a road trip, “I’m gonna get out and discuss this like a man!”
• PB, praying – “Thank you for your Son and that He came to earth and did a dreadful deed for us.”
• TJ – “You know what sucks? When the tooth fairy doesn’t bring you anything!”

birthdays...

As a child, I counted the days until my birthday almost all year long. "How old are you?" "6 and a HALF!" I could hardly wait. As I got older, the anticipation and the joy faded. Birthdays are just, eh, birthdays...

This morning I woke up on the first day of my 39th year. Big deal. I decided to forego the gym for a walk ALONE. I didn't want to deal with the uncomfortable, awkward birthday attention -  the songs, the hugs...its just too much. Too forced.

Rounding a corner, the sun cresting over Mt. Olympus and warming my shoulders, I caught a glimpse of the most amazing flowers and an instrumental song simultaneously played in my ears. I was suddenly overcome by an almost indescribable feeling. It felt as if I were being bathed in the Spirit. The peace, the joy, the warmth...it was overwhelming. Tears flooded my eyes and spilled over onto my cheeks. Visions of my life flashed before my mind's eye...being born, riding a bike, twirling in circles, learning to drive a car, going to prom, graduating from high school and college, getting married, divorced, remarried, and giving birth to my beautiful boys. It was all so clear and so perfect - ALL of it! The good times and the bad. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for this beautiful life that is mine. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that blessed me with the privilege of coming to earth. I am so grateful to have been born! I am so grateful to be alive! I am grateful for my life. Turns out birthdays really ARE a big deal and something to celebrate.

MEMORY LANE...

Baby Niki

2nd time is the charm! Love this man.

So blessed to have such awesome role models!

Twirly Whirly Girl

Happy baby.

Birthday Girl!

9th birthday - also my favorite sister's wedding day.

"Jr. Cheerleader" with big sister at RHS.

My biggest blessings...

"I got a dog for my husband...it was a good trade." (After my practice marriage.)

My main squeeze.

Happy, authentic, shameless me...

With Sissy.

Always dreamed of being a mother.

HAPPY!

Silly.

Playin it "cool."

Lifelong friends.

Milestones...

Achievements...

Finding myself...

REAL!

Present...

I'm so grateful to be where I am today. Grateful for every friendship, every sunrise/sunset, every vacation, every learning opportunity - even the hard ones, great music, Spirituality, Father in Heaven, the Savior, my parents and siblings, my home, my education, my husband and children, my extended family, my ancestors, freedom, America, love, affection, EVERY SINGLE THING I HAVE WOKEN UP TO EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST 39 YEARS...HERE IS TO MANY, MANY MORE!

7.

I love this silly, happy, wonderful BOY.