Time Flies No Matter the Level of Fun

Behind the Badge by Gus Drake (2003)

I reread this recently and decided I needed to put it on my blog.  My motivation is not self aggrandizement but it struck me how well my nephew captured the moments.                               
                                                                                      Gus Drake
                                                                                                                        

March 7, 2003

English 101

Valentine

The Man Behind the Badge

               My uncle is not a man to be trifled with.  Some people 

hate him.  Some see him as their savior and friend.  Others see him as an executioner at a hanging.  We’ve all gone through it.  You see those flashing lights or hear the siren and wonder what’s going on.  Sometimes you’re on the latter end and you’re sitting there in your car.  You just got pulled over and you’re thinking, “Oh crap.  I’m 

screwed.”  The guy that walks up to your car is my uncle.  His 

name is Sergeant Clair Walker.  He’s been a Boise policeman for 14years.  Serving four of those years as a police sergeant.  He’s a 

Fleet Commander and a certified Trainer.  He’s a man of with the 

height of 6’5”, average build, crisp gray hair, and a smile that he 

flashes when he’s happy.  

               He’s a man of confidence and character.  He has an almost fearful air about him that commands respect and at the same time 

offers security.  He didn’t begin his career as a cop though.  He 

started Twin Falls in a camera and stereo equipment store.  He was highly underpaid because he was a great salesman.  He made his 

employer a lot of money.  Eventually he got a job selling life 

insurance and hated it.  He only lasted about two months.  He 

thought he’d try his hand as a car salesman so he went to a car 

dealership in Twin.  He had no experience, no knowledge of the 

business.  He was sitting in the room with the interviewers when 

one of them stopped, looked at him, and said, “You’re Hal Walker’s boy aren’t ya?”  He said that he was and they told him that he 

could start tomorrow.  Apparently this man had been in Junior 

Chamber of Commerce with my Grandpa and didn’t particularly 

like him.  He respected him though and that’s what counted.  My 

Uncle was successful as a car salesman but that’s really not what he wanted to do.  He happen to sell the Chief of police a car and they started talking and he offered him a job as an officer.  He did that 

for about three years.  It took him about that long to realize that 

Twin was really a dead place so he moved on.  He had the 

opportunity to go back to school where he studied law and was 

almost a judge.  He knew then that he really wanted to get into law enforcement.  He was hired here in Boise and has been here ever 

since.

               He was successful as a young cop.  He took more people 

to jail than anybody else.  He didn’t let anybody get away with 

anything.  When he brought someone in he brought them in on 

everything.  The deputies down at the jail called him the trashman 

and would tease him about what kind of trash he’d bring in on any given day.  When someone got taken in by him the other cops 

referred to the guy as ‘Walkerized’.  From there he moved on to 

train various cops and the cops said that after the trainee was done he was ‘Clairified’.  Everyone loves my Uncle. He knows everyone on the police force and everyone loves him.  Everyone knows him mostly because of his involvement.  He loves to be active in things and likes to see results.  He uses his authority and to make life 

better for the line cop.  He doesn’t do anything unless it’s going to benefit the average cop.  He makes sure they get the best training 

and make sure that they are well supplied.  The Chief of Police is 

trying to put him in as captain but he told him that he was just 

having too much funny as Sergeant.

               I had the opportunity to ride with him in his car on a 

couple of occasions.

              One night it was really slow.  He was just cruising around and listening to the radio to hear of any crazy event so he could 

show me some excitement.  I was just happy to be in the police car, riding in the front seat, and with my uncle. He would talk on his 

radio, run license plates, and analyze his surroundings.  After an 

almost uneventful evening he stopped to get gas.  With the gas he 

got a free car wash so he decided to run the car through the wash.  When the wash was done he pulled out.  All of a sudden he flips 

the lights and siren on and just peels out onto the ride.  I’m thinking “Finally!  I’m gonna see some excitement!  Maybe it’s a murder in progress, attempted rape, fistfight.  Maybe there’s some drug deals going down that we have to break up.”  He’s pushing 70, 80, and 

my curiosity peaks.  So I ask him where were going in such a hurry.  He looks at me with a shrug and say, “Nowhere...Just drying the 

car.”

               On the second occasion he picked me up in his 

customized car.  As a Sergeant he can have almost any car he wants so it’s customized to his needs.  On the outside it’s a normal police car.  Upon close inspection you see a Harley Decal on the hood of 

the trunk and the words ‘Field Commander’ printed on the side.  

Inside the car is filled with the sound of numbers, codes, and 

interesting conversations between the dispatchers and the officers.  My uncle has a computer mounted between the seats so he can run plates and receive instant messages and other communications.  

Behind us is this glass divider and a shot gun mounted above.  

Between the seats are the siren, radio, and other complicated 

wiring.  I look my uncle over.  He has 2 cell phones, a radio, and a computer.  At one point he was driving, talking on his cell phone, 

typing on his computer, and looking at the other cell phone to see 

who was calling on that one.  He was in his element.  With a little 

coaxing he starts into a few different stories.

               “I had a guy...again, most of these are sad and they are 

just funny to cops because when you’re a cop you have to have a 

sense of humor just to survive, and so a lot of these are like, you 

know, we have a lot of morbid humor.  We go to this house and we find this guy dead and he’s sitting in one of these chairs that has 

rollers on the front of it so you can roll around.  I guess that’s how he got around; he couldn’t walk anymore so he’d roll around in this chair.  So, he was an alcoholic and he was also a smoker.  What 

he’d done is that he’d been drinking so much he had passed out and he was wearing a polyester shirt, and the polyester shirt ignited 

from his cigarette.  So, it didn’t really burn him but all the fumes 

from the polyester, because it’s oil based, you know, stuff, 

asphyxiated him.  Just his shirt was burnt.  His skin was singed just a little bit but just his shirt was burnt.  His shirt actually.... you 

know, the fire went out on the shirt but the fumes from the shirt just asphyxiated him, killed him.  He was wearing an Oakland A’s baseball cap on backwards and embroidered on the back it said 

‘‘LUCKY’.  (He laughs)  We had a lot of fun with that.  In fact, me and my buddy were cracking so many jokes that the detective that was on scene, who’s been a homicide detective forever and has his skin this thick (he measures out about five inches with his fingers), finally told us to shut up.  He said ‘That’s enough. You guys need 

to knock it off.’  Because we were just...I can’t even remember all 

the jokes we told because he’s wearing this hat and it was 

embroidered ‘LUCKY’, on there.  What was sad is that we found a letter and some pictures from his daughter saying, ‘Until you get 

your act together.  I don’t want you to come see your grandchildren.  I don’t want you around’.  You just kind of find humor in funny 

places.  Our job...there’s just some things that are really funny.  

Now, you see enough dead bodies and you see enough carnage and you see enough people doing really horrible things to other people, it changes you, and unless you are really strong...I mean like my... 

I’ve been married for 27 years now and that’s really unusual.  

Usually cops have 3 or 4 divorces and the divorce rate is really high.  We actually lose, for every cop that’s killed in the line of duty, 

there’s 4 that commit suicide.  So it’s a rough profession it’s not for everybody.  You certainly have to have the right type of personality because it’s definitely not for everyone.  You see it all; you see all 

the nasty stuff.  You’re scared all the time you just control it with 

training.  You just let the training take over.”

               He talked about fear.  He said, “Anybody who’s not 

scared is stupid.”  He went to this house this one night.  A guy was threatening to commit suicide and he had a 44 magnum.  They had a perimeter on the house.  The guy was ex-military. They had the 

house surrounded and were trying to talk to him and come up with a plan and all of a sudden they heard this BOOM!!, from the house.  The guy ran out and laid face down on the yard.  In the military, if the military police hear something like that they do a dynamic 

entry.  They go in guns raised and everything gets shot up.  The guy must of thought that they were going to do that because he came 

running out to the lawn.  He’d shot his computer monitor and just 

blew it to hell.  He blew it to pieces and was just a jerk to the 

police.

               Another time there was this guy down town.  He was the perfect example of a crazy looking guy.  He had long hair, crazy 

face and eyes and everything.  He was wearing a flannel shirt tied 

up like a loin cloth and on his feet he had blue and pink moon 

boots.  He had this honkin’ knife.  He was downtown just raising 

hell.  Two officers were already downtown.  One had her gun 

pointed at him and the other had already sprayed him with the OC-

spray but it had no effect on him.  So my uncle pulls out his 

expandable baton and when the guy’s attention was turned he just whacks him on this spot on his knee.  There’s a common nerve 

mass on your knee that if you get hit on your leg will just buckle. 

So he just nails him and the guy goes down.  So he hits him twice 

and the guy just throws the knife away and is balling up on the 

ground.  He told the cops, “Yeah, I’ve been sitting up on the 

mountain just looking at the sun.”  My uncle’s like, “Yeah, we’ll 

find you another place to stay.” 

               Another story he tells me is about bravery.  “The bravest 

thing I’ve ever seen is when out off on Wildwood there’s this curve and a canal right there.  There were these two guys who had been 

out drinking and took that corner too fast, rolled, and had landed 

themselves upside down in that canal.  The driver was dead but the passenger was alive.  So two of my officers climbed down there to pry the door open to try and get the guy out.  The canal was so 

narrow that if the car tipped just a little the door would have shut 

trapping them in there. They climbed in there anyway and got the 

guy out.  It was a pretty amazing feat.  Many times there are times where you’re thrust into situation where you have to be brave. You engage.  You react.  Those events happen no matter what, but 

bravery is when you do something despite that.  Those two guys 

didn’t have to climb into that car.  The firemen have all this fancy 

equipment that they can use to cut cars apart and pry open doors.  

Those guys engaged without thinking about stuff that.  So I think 

that’s really bravery.  When you engage instead of reacting. 

Especially when you wouldn’t be criticized if you didn’t.”

               He seems amused with his own stories.  He’ll tell a story, smile real big, and then tell the funny part.  He then gets this sad 

somber look on his face and tells the background of the story and 

it's consequences.  These stories are tragedies and my uncle seems 

to just take them in stride.  The sad part about the people is that 

they are doing stupid things but have a whole complicated situation that envelops them.  Children, parents, and society as a whole are 

affected by these random acts.  Families’ lives are cut short by a 

drunk driver.  Kids go fatherless after a murder or a suicide.  Little ones never see their granddaddy after he asphyxiates himself and 

dies.  It’s something that he’s faced with everyday. Those sort of 

things don’t rattle him.  It’s the ability to control yourself though 

you can’t control the things that are going on in the world around 

you.  It’s the dignity and composure that shines through that allows him to do what he does.  It’s the respect that he’s earned as he 

labors tirelessly to see that you are protected and it’s a burden that 

he bears alone.  If you see my uncle though, he’ll razz you about 

your backwards baseball cap or even do a little trash talking during basketball.  It’s the part of him that comes out and really lives.  It’s the Clair Walker in the Sergeant Clair Walker and it’s the part of 

my uncle that is most enjoyable.

Goodbye CeeCee...Buddha Zen Cat of Mine

Disappearing

Hal Wilson Walker Mission Statement

 "I will be a resource for my God, my family, and my country. I will pay for the space I occupy by service to my fellow man. I will enjoy life and use levity as a tool to lighten the burden of my neighbor. I will appreciate and pass on the good things given me by my God. I will die thanking Providence for my time in the sun."  - Hal Wilson Walker

Between 65 and Death

Many of us are between 65 and death, i.e. old. My friend sent me this excellent list for aging . . . and I have to agree it's good advice to follow. The guy who sent this hi-lighted #19.

1. It’s time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don’t just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard-earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for investments, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries. This is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.

2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don’t feel bad spending your money on yourself. You’ve taken care of them for many years, and you’ve taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.

3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you’re feeling well. Stay informed.

4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together

5. Don’t stress over the little things. Like paying a little extra on price quotes. You’ve already overcome so much in your life.  You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don’t let the past drag you down and don’t let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.

6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: “A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection.”

7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don’t stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.

8. Don’t lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There’s nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You’ve developed your own sense of what looks good on you – keep it and be proud of it. It’s part of who you are.

9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You’ll be surprised what old friends you’ll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.

10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them that yesterday’s wisdom still applies today.

11. Never use the phrase: “In my time.” Your time is now. As long as you’re alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.

12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.

13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you’ve lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.

14. Don’t abandon your hobbies. If you don’t have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.

15. Even if you don’t feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven’t seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don’t get upset when you’re not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.

16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That’s a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don’t go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.

17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we’re all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.

18. If you’ve been offended by someone – forgive them. If you’ve offended someone - apologize. Don’t drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn’t matter who was right. Someone once said: “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Don’t take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.

19. If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don’t waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.

20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what’s not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.

21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They’ll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you’ve achieved. Let them talk and don’t worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you’ve lived so far. There’s still much to be written, so get busy writing and don’t waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!

Universal Truths of Cycling

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #1:  

 THE RED LIGHT FOOT BUTTON.

Do I even need to explain this? If you’ve even gone on a half dozen road rides in your life you know what this means. You pull up to a red light…you stay clipped in and pause…surely the light’s gonna turn…you track stand…any second now…wait for it…waaaaaait for it…nothing…so you relent, unclip, and as soon as your foot touches the ground, blink! It turns green. Son of a…! Is there a device buried in the pavement that reacts to your cleat? A magnetic trigger? Unless we dig up the street with a backhoe, we’ll never know. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #2: 

FLATS COME IN THREES

You can go six months without a hitch and then bam. And bam. And bam, bam, bam. All in a few days. Seems like every time you roll out of your driveway is going to end with you bent over on the side of a treeless road or trail, dripping with sweat, wrestling with a flattened tire. And at $5 a pop you’re looking at an expensive week. 

But things settle in and get back to normal. No flats for a long time. Long enough to lull you into cocky complacency until…

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #3:

HEADWIND BOTH WAYS.

I’m an optimist. Let’s just get that straight right now. When I head out on a windy day I deal with the headwinds knowing that I’ll reap the benefits after the turnaround with that nice, robust tailwind, right?

Then there are days that challenge my sunny disposition.

As soon as you change directions, the wind decides to do the same. Yep, few things more lame than pedaling downhill.

How the hell does this happen? How is this even possible? How is it that some winds have sentience? How is it that some winds are not only able to track my ride like a thinking being, but do it like a truly evil thinking being?   

Call them “Headwind Both Ways Days,” call them “M.C. Escher Rides (uphill both ways),” call them what you will, but I call them deeply unfair.

Perhaps someday one of us will experience the opposite. The ride that only exists in myth. The “Tailwind Both Ways” ride. One can dream. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #4:

COST + $500 RULE. 

So, been riding long enough that you’re gonna build up your own bike, eh? Good for you! Got it all figured out, right? Frame costs this much, add in wheels, bars, drivetrain, stem, headset…fun stuff isn’t it? Add it all up plus labor and there it is…right?

Wrong. Oh my, so wrong.

Now tack on $500. Ta da! There you go! That’s your total cost.

Why? How do we know? We just do. And before you start calling us names, know that we’re not being smug, we’re just trying to help you.

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #5:

CYCLISTS FIND THINGS

You want to know what we’re talking about when we explain how cyclists travel through the world instead of just passing it by (like you do in a car)? This is it. When you’re on a bike you find stuff.

Your head is down.

You’re soaking up the world around you.

You feel the wind.

You…hey, is that an allen wrench set in the gutter? Sweet!

Geography dictates what you find, too. Here in the Southwest we find a lot of tools (all the contractor and gardener trucks bouncing around, spilling tools). In cities like London and NYC you find money. Especially on Saturday and Sunday mornings (from the previous night’s drunken cab passengers fumbling for cash).

In an earlier, more impoverished stage of my life I lived near a “gentleman’s” club and early morning rides meant angry notes from the evening before in the gutter – presumably left on the windshields of cheating boyfriends and such. Such colorful prose. Wish I’d gathered them.

Back to the present day. We find stuff all the time. And you will eventually be able to find some of these items for re-sale in our store once we get it set up. An odd assortment of things. Put it this way, if one of you out there is looking to open a TGI Friday’s, you could buy the whole lot and cover the walls with this crap.

If selling this stuff seems strange, well…it is. But check this out - a portion of the sale price will be donated to charity – to partially offset the karma and try to turn someone’s loss into someone else’s gain. Kinda.

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #6:

YOU’RE NEVER DONE BUYING BIKES.

The ideal number of bikes is however many you have right now + 1.

Admit it. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever want another bike.”

Yep.

“This is it…a custom bike…it’s the last bike I’ll ever need.”

Been there, brother.

“Why do I need another bike? I’m happy with the ones I have.”

Okay, just stop lying to yourself. Stop denying the fact that if I were to march into your house, get on your computer and go to your internet history, besides “very personal media” I’d find mostly bike sites.

If you’re reading this right now, you’ve got the hots for cycling. And that means there’s always another bike out there you want. There, doesn’t it feel good to come clean? 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #7:

LARGE OBJECT LASER LOCK

You’re out there on the trail or even on the road. 

It’s wide open. Nothing in front of you. 

Well actually, there’s a single object. Could be a rock on a fire road. Could be a can or bottle out there on the street. 

Whatever it is, because you looked at it, your front wheel is pulled toward it like a magnet.

I’ve had other cyclists tell me that, especially on the trail, you should keep your eyes on the open spaces. The clear path. Then your wheel will go there.

They’re right. It works. For about five minutes. Then the concentration required for this makes my brain hurt. Evolution has trained our brains to look for hazards in our way. However, evolution has yet to train us to then avoid it.

Until then, I’ll keep nailing every other rock or can or whatever out there on the otherwise wide open road. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #8:  

THE CROPDUSTER

You’re approaching the base of a nice, steep climb.

Just as the road pitches up and you hit the steep stuff and need all the oxygen you can get, a heavy, loud, stinky truck rumbles, belches and farts past you, filling up your entire path with thick diesel exhaust.

You’ve just been cropdusted. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #9:  

“PASSING ANOTHER CYCLIST” BREATHING.

Of all the egregious displays of the cyclist’s fragile ego (and let’s be honest, there are plenty) this one is up there. Here’s what we’re talking about:

You’re climbing. One of those hills that’s so intimidating it has a name…like “widow maker” or “quad buster” or “the three bitches” (they always have names like these). You’re majorly sucking wind, using every single milliliter of your lung capacity.

But then…you spot something up ahead. Oh, is that another cyclist up there? It is.

Time to reel ‘em in.

But you couldn’t possibly let him or her know that you’re out of breath (good God, especially if it’s a her). So as you near the other cyclist you let off the gas juuuust a tad and do whatever it takes to catch your breath. Massive gulps of air. Mop the sweat off your brow. Gotta make this hill seem effortless. The goal is to make it appear as if this hill only requires about ¼ of your lung capacity. You take one last, big gulp of air, hold your breath, put on your best “I just sidled up to you at a cocktail party” voice and…

“Hello there…on your left…nice frame…so, where you riding today?…me? Today’s a recovery day so just an easy 40 or so…well, have a good one…”

And as soon as they’re comfortably out of sight you spend 4 miles gasping for air until…is that someone up ahead?

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #10:  

THE EXTRA, ECCENTRIC, SELDOM-RIDDEN PROJECT BIKE. 

If cycling becomes a part of your life, you will eventually (or constantly) have that one bike in the garage that’s the oddball. At best it’s the pub bike. Or the doughnut runner. But hey, it’s a bike, so it’s part of the solution, right? Except for the fact that it only gets out and stretches its legs a few times a year.

Usually built out of some spare parts, it’s clumsily justified to your significant other as a matter of practicality: You’re just making good use of otherwise unused parts. Or maybe it’s your “rain bike.”

Sure. Righty-o, Mr. Hardcore. Like you’re gonna get out there and brave a downpour on your terrible fixie conversion, your single-speed whatever-the-hell-that-thing-is, your hideous drop-bar Alex Moulton-framed randonneur or your vintage scorcher-type abomination. 

Face it – it’s a creative expression and nothing more. You put these parts together because you can. You read a bike maintenance book and became a cycling Dr. Moreau. Sometimes with less of a conscience.

Mine? It’s my old racing frame – a Bianchi Mega Pro XL - converted to single-speed with priest bars and flat pedals for use with street shoes.

It weighs about eleven pounds and is insanely fun to ride with the kids to school in the morning but it’s a freak. And with every turn of the pedals, I imagine Marco Pantani turning over in his tiny, tiny grave. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #11:  

MOUNTAIN BIKING MAKES BEER TASTE BETTER.

We ain’t no scientists. We cannot prove whether it’s the trail vibrations and dust that make the nerve endings in our tastebuds more receptive to suds. We just know what we know. And we know that riding and sweating on dirt makes beer taste deliciously great. Yes, sometimes even if that ride ends at 10:00am.

Okay, while we’re getting all confessional here, we’ll just say it: We’re human and sometimes we wonder if we’d be better off, healthier and faster if we cut out alcohol altogether. But a beer after a day of riding is so pleasurable that sobriety, for now, just doesn’t stand a chance. And listen, we don’t overdo it and we’re responsible. Just sayin’. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #12:  

ROAD CYCLING MAKES WINE TASTE BETTER

This is all about brainwashing. It’s all those images from the Tour and Giro. It’s a long marriage of the European history of road racing - especially through Italy and France - and sipping wine. Normally we’re all about fighting this kind of brainwashing (see Hallmark + Valentine’s Day) but in this case, it results in drinking wine, so we’re willing to let it slide. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #13:  

MYSTERIOUS, OVERNIGHT FLATS.

It’s the night before a good ride. Bottles are filled. Clothes are ready. Bike is looked over. Everything checks out.

Then you go out in the morning and…G&%$ D#@! Flat tire! No thorns, no pinch flats, no faulty valve stems. 

We imagine a committee of rodents, birds and other wildlife that get their jollies by gnawing through our tires at 2am – as if they know we’ve got a big ride the next day.

Me? I think that’s crazy. Wildlife isn’t that clever or smart. And even if they were they’re too adorable to do something so vengeful. Nope. The only sane explanation is some kind of elf or gnome. As if those little bastards don’t have anything better to do. Don’t you have cookies to bake in a tree somewhere? Toys to make? Shoes to cobble?   

Then again maybe, just maybe, it could just be the corroded, 10-for-$10 tubes I got on sale at Nashbar. Could it be my cheapness has caught up with me? Sabotaged by my frugality?  

Nope. Gnomes. Gotta be gnomes. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #14:  

THERE ARE 2 KINDS OF CYCLISTS. 

ONES WHO SAY “HELLO” AND ONES WHO DON’T.

Guess it’s pretty obvious which side of this issue we fall on, yeah?

Mountain bikers, you may be excused. Overall you seem to have the kindness thing figured out.

Roadies…pull up a chair. This one’s for you.

Here’s the scenario: You’re out on a ride and see a cyclist or few coming toward you. Being a steward of the sport, you greet them as they pass. Sometimes it’s a full on “Hello!”  Sometimes it’s a wave. Sometimes it’s just eye-contact and the little lifting of the hand off the bars thing.

Sometimes you get a nice greeting or a wave back. Nice. That small but bonding gesture. Then there are the ones who ice you.

“Hello.”  

(silence)

Really? And I’m not talking about the times where they may not have heard you. I’m talking about eye-contact, multiple greetings and…nothing. Sometimes even a scowly-face.

Working on the middle-east crisis, handling the nuclear power plant crisis in Japan, fighting a raging forest fire, fixing a problem at the international space station - these are the kinds of situations where dead-seriousness and scowly faces are completely cool. Understandable. But riding a bicycle on a Sunday afternoon in perfect, Southern Californian weather? Nope.

Why should this bother us? Are we that needy? No. And honestly, most times we just let it roll off our backs. But overall, it’s about manners. When you think about it, technically, people don’t have to say please or thank you. They don’t have to smile at one another. They don’t have to respect one another’s personal space and well-being. But it’s what makes life tolerable. It’s called civility and it’s really, really simple.

Roadies who actively race have the worst track record when it comes to this kind of thing. Triathletes are a close second.  There’s a certain club on the west side of Los Angeles that has cultivated a culture of acting superior to all others on the road.

Lighten up, fellas.

I love and respect our sport too. Between us, we’ve been doing it at a pretty high level for over 40 years. But we do it because it’s fun. Period. And yes, we race, too. Racing and kindness are not mutually exclusive.

And let’s break it down – we’re both out there putting our next-to-nothing bodies into the mix against multi-ton steel cars on tight roads. Oh, and we’re in form-fitting lycra.

In the great food chain out there on the roads we’re pretty down there. Seems like we need some solidarity.

So as you pass this little online article, let me be the first to wave and say “Hello.”

Hope you wave back. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #15:  

OBSTRUCTION SYNCHRONICITY.

Carl Jung must’ve been a roadie. There’s no other way to explain how he so adequately detailed and summarized the theory of synchronicity.

Here’s how it always goes down:

You’re riding along, the road to yourself. Up ahead you see flotsam in the bike lane. Hazardous flotsam like shattered glass, nails and destroyed pavement. You have no choice but to swerve into the roadway to avoid it.

But at the exact moment you reach said pile of tire-shredding material, here comes a flood of cars that whizz by you, right on your elbow.

Planets align leaving you with nowhere to go.

In the miles leading up to this obstruction you had the road to yourself. And once you pass this obstruction, the road will again be wide open.

But at that exact moment, all comes together. 

Jung calls it Synchronicity. 

I call it a maddeningly frustrating, perfect storm of horseshit.   

I like my description better.

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #16:

NEW BIKE WEATHER

Buy a new bike and the Gods sense it. They immediately send in three weeks of storms. Or record-breaking, pavement-melting heat.

And spare me the “but in (insert part of the country here) we don’t let weather affect us, we’re hardcore. We ride anyway.”

Not on a new bike that you’ve been lusting after for years you don’t.

No way you’re subjecting that custom steel or carbon-fibery thing to foul weather.

So all you can do is go into the garage at night and stare at her. Maybe polish her, check the tires and fill the water bottles. Lay out the bike clothes for that first, big ride that’ll happen someday…someday. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #17:  

THE BROWN MILE

This is the first mile or so of any major trailhead.

See, mountain bikers aren’t the only ones who are anxious to hit the trail after a long ride in the car – hikers’ dogs are, too. And what’s the first thing they do after being cooped up for so long? They bound up the trail a few dozen yards, squat and create pungent landmines for us to slalom as we warm up our legs.

This is when the dog’s owner appears to be doing everyone a favor by bagging their dog’s waste. But instead of carrying it out, they leave it in the bag, on the trail.

Thanks for nothing.

Instead of flicking the stool into the bushes for it to biodegrade or work its way back into the circle of life, they leave Mother Nature with a bunch of plastic to deal with as well. Or are they hoping someone else will tote their dog’s stool out for them? Does the Parks Department have a crap valet service?

At any rate, on a hot summer morning I find dodging these fragrant piles an awfully uninspiring way to start a ride. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #18:  

BIKE CATALOGUES ARE THE BEST BATHROOM READING

Performance, Nashbar, Colorado Cyclist, etcetera. Even the catalogues from bike manufacturers that you grab from the bike store. 

Even if you’ve looked at the same catalogue a hundred times.

And every one has the same stuff in it – the same old, discount helmets – the same Tribal ® jerseys of questionable taste – but it doesn’t matter. It’s still the most relaxing toilet read.

Am I ever going to get that whole set of Park Tools? How about the rock band-themed jersey? Or those arm warmers that look like you have sleeve tats? Not a chance. But looking at that bike shop flotsam somehow makes you feel like you’re and active part of the cycling world, even when you’re just in there, flying your daily sortie over Porcelonia.

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #19:

IT TAKES 9MPH TO OUT-RUN A MUSCA DOMESTICA.

We have an intuition about the correlation between speed and experiences - hence the name. Our intuition about 18mph, being a comfortable speed for riding and experiencing life and landscapes seems to resonate with riders, and appears to be backed up by science. 

So here’s another.

It takes 9 mph to out run a fly.  Any less, and the pesky like creatures appear to slipstream, hover, land and generally do all that fussing and buzzing that flies do. They apparently see us, in all our sweaty glory, as large, two-wheeled, moving piles of dog waste.

If you pause at the top of climb to admire the view, there they are. Stop to change a flat, and there’s a hat load of them. It’s as if you’re loitering in a fly hatchery. But the moment you set off again, gain a bit of momentum, and hit the magic 9 mph, that’s it, they’re blown away, unable to keep up with your blistering turn of speed. Try it some time.

So we did a bit of scientific research, and yes it appears that the average speed of a common fly is just shy of 5mph. So a top-flight, lycra-clad fly - pardon the image - may peak out at 7.5 mph.

A Horsefly is positively supersonic - with an average speed of 90.1mph! Don’t believe us? Look it up. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #20:  

SONG STUCK IN YOUR HEAD.

Music has been called the speech of angels.

Then there are the times when a song like “Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break My Stride” gets inexplicably stuck on repeat in our skulls over the course of a 3+ hour ride. 

Then, music is the flatulence of Satan. 

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #21:

THE MID-RIDE CROSSROADS.

You’re on a ride – the training ride you have committed to, or written down in your training plan. But it’s one of those less-than-motivated days. Then you approach a crossroads.

Left takes you to right to the comforts of home, right turn takes you further on your ride. It’s a commitment. Hmmm? Go home and be a good husband? Be a good father? Kick back with a glass of wine and some Jeno’s® Pizza Rolls? Or push on like a hard cyclist? Shit. Go riding, Right it is. Off you go.

Next junction. Another opportunity to bail out. If you turn left here, you could be home in 30 minutes. NO, don’t be a slacker. Ok. Right it is.

Top of the climb. Nice, that’s good, maybe you’ll just turn around and spin back home from here. If you push on, it means committing to another 30 additional minutes. 

You get the picture. Another crossroads, another internal battle. The reality is, some days you just aren’t feeling it, you cut the ride short, turn for home and it’s for the best. Other days you push on. And when you return, you’re a better person for it…or at least easier to live with. It’s all about decisions, commitment and keeping the rich loveliness of life in balance.

We’re all human and just a little bit lazy. But we do love to ride. And the truth is, I think that those T-junctions and crossroads are more than just moments of decision regarding the ride at hand. They are little occasions for us to take stock regarding why we ride. Do we ride too much? Why do we do it anyway?

And then we decide. Turn left or right.

Simple, really.

And not.  

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #22:

CHECKING OUT YOUR REFLECTION IN SHOP WINDOWS.

“Let a man find himself, in distinction from others, on top of two wheels with a chain - at least in a poor country like Russia - and his vanity begins to swell out like his tires. In America it takes an automobile to produce this effect.”

      -  Leon Trotsky

Correction, Leon. It also takes a bike that costs as much as an automobile, plus a row of shop windows, to produce this effect.

You can’t resist it. You can’t roll by a line of shops with all that reflective glass without at least glancing over and getting a glimpse of how you’re looking on the bike.

First you do that little look-around to see if anyone is watching you check yourself out. Then you glance.

If it’s a flattering window, you’ve got on your nicest kit and you’re in good shape, you give yourself a few, long seconds to soak it in as you roll by.

But not to worry. For if the bicycle helps enable vanity, it can also deliver us from its clutches. Take it away, Franz.

“Always first draw fresh breath after outbursts of vanity and complacency.”

- Kafka

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING #23:

RAIN PROOF JACKETS ARE NOT

We talk a lot about embracing the weather around you. Being present. Not fighting the elements, but embracing them.

Part of this comes from the ethos: To ride through the world instead of just passing it by.

Another part comes from where we live. Southern California weather is fairly mild year ‘round so it’s easy for us to have such a cavalier attitude regarding the weather. If there is a Mother Nature, we in the west are the favorite children and a fair bit of the rest of the country gets a regular whuppin’.  

And yet another reason we feel this way is because we’ve surrendered to the fact that rain proof cycling jackets, and the companies that claim they function as such, are full of…pardon me…horse shit.

Sure, there are the clear plastic or bright yellow non-breathing ones that create such an intolerably-hot, humid microclimate all around your body that you could grow mushrooms on your chamois. But we’re talking about the super-pricey, highly-technological, supposedly-breathable things that end up as soaked as the rest of your body.

These posh jackets are fine in a mist or even a gentle sprinkle for about ten minutes.

They’re about as waterproof as a teabag.

UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF CYCLING # 24:

INSIDE EVERY CYCLIST IS THE GODFATHER OF SOUL.

You’re out there, sucking wind on a climb. You get that little bit of phlegm that you gotta get up, get on up…get up, get on up!

You do those little JB grunts and hacks.

Uhgh. Hughghh!  Heeaaaayychhh!

If you had the funky drummer behind you, you’d sound like Mr. Dynamite.

Don’t believe us? Listen for yourself. Turn it up and get on down.

(Shamelessly plagiarized from the blog "18 Miles an Hour".  "18 Miles an Hour is about riding through the world instead of just passing it by.)