The Silver Lining Around a Suicide Attempt

A couple of weeks ago Vanessa and I threw all of our junk into the back of a very large truck and worked our way across some desert, then a lot of farmland and finally some forest until we somehow ended up in Virginia in a new apartment. The trip went off (as they say) with nary a hitch. (As you might have guessed, the "they" I was referring to are, in fact, the Amish.) The point is - most of our stuff arrived roughly in the same condition that it left...with a few notable exceptions.

One difficulty we encountered was too much space in the truck. "Impossible!" you might say - but that's mostly because you're an idiot. Allow me to explain - I'll try to use small words so you can keep up. We got the biggest truck they had - a 26 footer. We only own about 16 feet worth of stuff. Our original idea was to set up the inside of the truck so it looked and felt just like our apartment - that way if we got homesick along the way we could just hang out in the back for a bit and then be on our way once again. Great idea, right? WRONG!

What seemed like a brilliant idea in the parking lot outside of our apartment turned into a disaster after about a minute and a half of driving over roads that are about as smooth as my rippling, washboard abs (for those not so well-versed in simile - that means the roads were NOT smooth). So for the first couple of days we would stop periodically, open the door to the back of the truck and marvel at how the truck had redecorated our truck-apartment. "Silly truck," we'd say "sofas aren't supposed to ride bicycles." I would invariably climb through the rubble, twine in hand to try to secure something to something else. At the end of the day, my efforts were about as effective as trying to hog-tie a dragon with sewing thread. Everything eventually went where it wanted.

Which brings me to the tragic loss we suffered when we arrived in Virginia. One of the last items packed up was our desktop computer. Rather than decide on a secure place, I decided to be true to its name and just put it right there on top of my desk...after all, it has those little rubber nubs to keep it from moving around. Why else would they put little rubber nubs on the bottom of a computer tower if not to keep it from shifting around on a desktop during a 3500 mile road trip? In retrospect, that may not have been the most sound reasoning.

In order to lull me into a false sense of security, the computer stayed in its assigned place for at least the first two days of the trip. Each time I'd enter the back of the truck to try to invoke some sense of order on the chaos, I would inevitably find the desktop sitting on top of the desk - innocently - with those little rubber nubs holding on like champs. It wasn't until I stopped making regular trips to the back of the truck to survey the damage that the computer decided to make its move. Somewhere between Kansas and Virginia, the computer decided to make its move and started making its way towards the edge of the desk.

Was it an accident or did the computer have a death wish? Maybe it just wanted to take a turn on the bicycle and never really meant to fall. But more likely than not there were some powerful inner conflicts that drove the computer over the proverbial (and literal) edge.

In situations like these, it's easy to play the blame game. Some might even point the finger at me and cite negligence in properly securing the desktop. I don't feel the need to defend myself - after all, my innocence is so stable and well-established that one might say it's sitting on rubber nubs...so instead I'll tell you who I think is to blame: Justin Bieber.

A few months before the move, I was shocked and saddened to learn the the computer had been downloading illegal music without my knowledge. For years it had downloaded songs - then listened after Vanessa and I were asleep. When I found out I was understandably furious and swore in my wrath that if I found one more illegally downloaded song on the computer I would take out its network card so it could never go online again. The computer did remarkably well and for months i didn't find a single illegal song...and then along came Justin Bieber.

I wasn't able to recover much in the aftermath...but the hard drive remained remarkably undamaged. When I pulled it and scanned its contents, i found a copy of Bieber's "Baby, Baby." I can only assume that unable to resist Bieber's cherubic voice, the computer reverted to its old ways and downloaded "My World 2.0." Then, rather than face the consequences of its actions, it decided to take a long walk off a short desk. If only that swoopy-haired kid's voice didn't sound like a choir of honey-soaked angels...I might still have a desktop today.

But every cloud has a silver-lining...and this one actually happens to be silver. I'm typing this blog entry on a brand new Macbook Pro that has replaced my poor, troubled desktop.

Housekeeping

I know - why waste a title with as much potential as "Housekeeping" on the mundane task of catching you all up on my life, right? Well, maybe I'll write a "Housekeeping II" to make fun of the idiosyncrasies of housekeeping when you're married to a girl...but for now I want to take a few minutes to let you know what's been going on in my sometimes interesting life.

Law School

A year ago I went in for my annual review and found out I was getting a pretty awesome raise. This took me by surprise after the company all but guaranteed no raises. They offered some lame excuse about a global financial melt-down...but I think it was BS or I probably would have heard about it on the news...but anyway, I got a raise. I went in to thank my boss for the unexpected bump and he said the exact wrong thing. He said "I wanted to make sure you were getting paid so much for doing what you do that you couldn't go anywhere else." While I probably should have taken that as a kudos - a nice little pat on the back, at the time it sounded a lot more like a prison sentence than a "keep up the good work!" I didn't want to do what I'm doing for the rest of my life...and I realized that if I didn't do something about it, pretty soon I would have a mortgage and probably some little Davids running around...and I'd be stuck. The job I took after college to pay off my European adventure had already lasted about 3 years longer than I'd expected...and before I know it I'll be fifty and rather than living a life I'd chosen, I'd be living a life I'd defaulted into. So I set about figuring out what I want to do.

Since my college days where people would ask me every five minutes "so what are you going to do with a degree in English" I'd already ruled out law school. I enjoy reading - but not the kind of reading that lawyers do...and who wants to study for the LSAT? But when I went back and really thought about the kinds of things that I'd really enjoy doing, I was a bit surprised to find out that I could do most, if not all of them as an lawyer. So - long story short, I took the LSAT and did well enough to get into a couple of pretty good schools. Right now it looks like I'll be quitting my job to go to UCLA Law in August.

I should probably say something inspiring about how it's only when you leave the safe harbor that you find out who you are or some other thought that would leave you inspired for literally minutes until something shiny grabbed your attention - but the truth is, I'm not quite there yet. I recognize that I'm embarking on a new adventure, but it's not quite real yet - and so I'm not quite excited yet.

I'm a Mac

If anyone from college reads this...which is highly unlikely...they'll probably get a kick out of what I have to say next. The time came to purchase a laptop...and I did the unthinkable and bought a Mac instead of a PC. In college I used to mercilessly tease anyone who dared buy a Mac. Why send a child to do a man's job, I thought. Macs were mere toys - but PCs were for serious people. I had an entire collection of one-liners that I'd pull out to humiliate any Mac user. So what happened...? Well, I got tired of using crappy computers. I got tired of viruses and spyware and reinstalling windows every time things went wrong. I got tired of blue screens of death and compatibility issues...I got tired of all of it. I found a nice deal on a Mac Book - and I'm in love. So make fun of me if you must, but my Mac and I are happy.

Uncle-ness

You may have seen my amazing beard pictures on Facebook...some days I still miss it - but it went to a good cause. It died to celebrate the marriage of my baby sister. It's been a month since Nat and Ian got married...and last week we got a text that said: "Everyone was right. I'm pregnant. This is not a joke." Naturally we assumed it was a joke. But it turns out that the first Keithly grandchild will come from the youngest member of the clan. My parents are hoping that this'll be like a game of hearts - as soon as "hearts are broken" all bets are off. Now that one Keithly is prego, they're hoping Keithly babies start falling from the sky.

The thing that has surprised me most about this little surprise is how well my baby sister is dealing with it. If my wife were to tell me she's pregnant - even right now I'm pretty sure I'd freak out...and here these kids are, just getting started in life and they're taking it like champs.

Empty Promises

Okay - I know I've made this promise before, but I'm really going to try to be a better blogger - at least until I sell my soul to law school. So let me know what you want to hear about and I'll ramble.

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better...

If my résumé were to list even a fraction of the things that I'm capable of, it would take Chuck Norris roughly ten years to read through it. You see...I can do anything. You read that right grandma, no need to go digging for those reading glasses - I CAN DO ANYTHING. Even a cursory examination of the sheer volume of my overall prowess would boggle the mind of Stephen Hawking.

And yet, with all of my incredible skills and abilities, the power to convince my wife of this fact has thus far eluded me. Go figure.

Back me up here men - is there anything in the world short of growing an extra finger that you couldn't do if you were given ample time and appropriate resources? Archimedes got it. This man's man once said: "give me a place to stand and with a lever I will move the whole world." And yet I find myself constantly trying to convince my wife that I'm perfectly capable of performing such menial tasks as giving myself a haircut, assembling a wedding bouquet, making a decorative throw pillow or discovering on my own the "secret" recipe for the colonel's chicken.

Throughout history, courageous men with little more than an idea and a certain male-born conviction have defied convention and changed the course of the world. Newton, Gutenberg, Bell, Da Vinci, Edison, the Wright brothers and the guy who invented the Snuggie refused to listen to the nay-sayers and instead set out to prove that they could in fact do what they'd been insisting they could do all along. And now after a year and four months of marriage, I'm convinced that the true mother of invention has never been necessity. When these great men set out to create their game-changing inventions, they didn't do it for the money or the fame, they did it to prove to their wives that they could do it.

I can picture it now - old Tom Edison is sitting at home with his wife Mary, reading by light of a candle (Mary, on the other hand was probably watching HGTV or other such nonsense). Mary says something along the lines of "Tom, it's really hard hard to watch "Tabathas Salon Takeover" with all of that candle flickering going on." To which Tom responded "Yeah? I bet I could invent a light source that would be way better than this candle." Mary scoffed (which hasn't been done since 1921 but basically means laughed derisively) and insisted that Tom was full of some kind of animal excrement. Well, Tom took this pretty hard and disappeared into his workshop to prove Mary wrong. When he emerged seven years later Mary had died of consumption (no idea what that means) four years earlier - but Tom danced on her grave by the light of the brand new 1 million candlepower spotlight he had invented.

So - with all the many hundreds of millions of things capable of, isn't it ironic that the one thing I haven't figured out how to do is to somehow convince my wife that I'm capable...?

Familial Careers

We've talked quite a bit about what kinds of careers we need in the family...I'm going to post what we currently have and a few suggestions of my own:

Dad - International Business Executive
Suggestion - Couldn't you find something in a more useful or exciting field than mailing products? I'm thinking something like helicopter sales or German/Italian automobiles...I'd even settle for something in the action sports industry. I'd also be open to you starting a company like Microsoft or Google...or, if you feel so inclined, becoming the next Warren Buffett.
Mom - High School History teacher
Suggestion -
Ken - Commercial Real Estate Analyst / Home Remodeler / Professional Ladies Man
Suggestion - I'm thinking you should find some land on the coast...maybe between Laguna and Newport...and build us each a house. I'm not talking about anything fancy - just an average 6 bedroom 9 1/2 bath 12,000 square foot little something will do fine for me and Vanessa. If you could arrange the financing as well, that would be great...but we don't want to pay much more than the $985 we're currently paying at woodcrest.
Tiff - Teacher
Suggestion - Ummmm...don't we already have one of these? Could you maybe start a chain of gyms...or better yet invent some sort of weight loss pill that works no matter what you eat/do?
David - Team Manager / Law School Applicant / Future Attorney
Suggestion - I'm the first to admit that outside of setting up mutual fund accounts that will never be subject to sales charge, I'm not adding a whole lot to the mix. But just you wait - soon enough I will be taking care of our every legal need. This will include suing the pants off of anyone we disapprove of, setting up trusts for the copious amounts of money we'll be taking in, and arranging to have dead horses heads placed in the beds of movie executives who don't give our children/grandchildren parts in their upcoming movies.
Vanessa - HR / Legal Secretary / Admin Assistant
Suggestion - Vanessa has volunteered to take care of all of the family's child care needs on our beachfront ranch. She will change all diapers and deal with all of your children (so you don't have to) until they reach the age of 5 at which point they're your problem.
Escot - Accountant / World Traveler / Grammar Police
Suggestion - Start a hedge fund. I'm not talking about one that exploits underpriviliged children in eastern Europe...just one that makes lots and lots of money without any effort on our part.
Escot's Future Spouse -
Suggestion - since you brought Melina into the mix, you've promised us a doctor and a docter we shall have. If things don't work out, I'm sorry to inform you that you've effectively limited your future dating options to the medical field. And no, we don't need any nurses, you'd better either marry this one or find another one just like her.
Karina - Dietician / Musician
Suggestion - two words: Brittany Spears. Drop this churchy theme and think trashy instead. Brittany Spears' life is a testament to the fact that money and success in fact CAN buy happiness. Alternate Suggestion: invent food that tastes good and is still healthy.
Jason - Former Sprint Employee / Computer Engineering Student / Future Bill Gates
Suggestion - Be Bill Gates.
Peter - Lifeguard / Cyclist
Suggestion - We're kind of wide open here, but there are plenty of things we need...which I'll list at the bottom of this post. But in the meantime maybe you could be the next Lance Armstrong minus the testicular cancer.
Peter's Woman - Currently in-n-out worker (which ironically doesn't help us at all) / hairdresser (which we already have one of).
Suggestion - Dentist, Heiress, Movie Star
Natalie - Hairdresser
Suggestion - find a cure for baldness...if Dad's any indication, we're going to need it.
Ian - Fencer / Speedo Model / Video Game Player
Suggestion - See below - pick any career you're drawn to, as long as it's on the list.

That's everyone in the immediate family...it's left quite a few gaps, so start grooming your children as soon as possible to fill any of the following roles:

Professional Athlete - I'm talking about a REAL sport...not water polo.
Hitman (or woman)
Dentist
President of the United States (see also: Senator, Congressman and NO, we do not need anyone in the state or local legislature)
Plastic Surgeon
Police Officer (as long as he/she can get us out of tickets)
CEO of In N Out
Inventor of the hover car
Stuntman (or woman)
Dean of a prestigious (top 10) university
New York Times Bestselling Author
Actor/Model (not the other way around)
Movie Producer/Director
Richest Man/Woman on earth
Robber Baron
Pirate
Ninja
Batman

Other suggestions?

David endorses this forwarded email

It doesn't happen very often...but this one made my Friday afternoon:


I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Television

Chances are if you married a man, unless he was raised with 9 older sisters, his television viewing tastes are entirely unacceptable. You often ask yourself why God allowed Walker, Texas Ranger to be placed on this earth in the midst of all of his beautiful creations. How many times have you walked in on your man - practically passed out in the middle of enough crumbs and food scraps to feed at least 11 of those starving African children - watching something called Deathwatch Cage Fighting IX - The Bloodiest Bloodbath of Broken Bloody Brains or Bounce House VIII - Bikini Babes Unleashed or (perhaps the worst of all) Sportscenter? I know, the mere thought of that peppy Da na nA, da na NA makes your blood run cold. Why does he watch these horrific shows? Doesn't he know that he could be watching The Real Housewives of Cochabamba Bolivia? Has he ever even watched TLC? I'm sure he'd love So You Think You Can Dance if he would just give it a chance! If you want to continue living with your man and also maintain your sanity, something's gotta give...and we all know that something is him.

So rather than suffering through another playoff game or another Southpark episode, you need to take control and let him know who picks out the pants for him to wear. Try some of these handy tips and you'll never have to watch Spike TV or Versus again.

Step 1. Hide the remote. Turn the TV to your favorite channel (TLC, HGTV, Bravo, Lifetime...) and hide the remote somewhere he'll never think to look - like where you keep the empty trash bags that he can never seem to find after you finally get him to empty the trash. He'll show up, see what's on TV and start looking for the remote. He'll start by checking all the usual places - coffee table, entertainment center, refrigerator...when that doesn't work he'll start digging into couch cushions and throwing pillows out of the way...finally, in desperation, he will actually start overturning furniture as if trying to free a trapped child. Rest assured ladies, the one thing the man will never do is walk up to the TV and change the channel manually (ie: the old fashioned way). There is something in male DNA that will not allow him to do this. He feels it's somehow beneath him...as if ever since man discovered fire, invented the wheel and figured out how to make self-adhesive stamps...he was freed from such menial tasks as changing a channel "by hand". Eventually he will either pass out from exhaustion or simply leave the house to buy another remote control...which is when you need to move on to:

Step 2. Food. Men are simple creatures. Their feeble little minds can only hold so many ideas at one time. When he comes back from Radio Shack with the latest universal remote, you should be waiting with copious amounts of food. If there is enough of it, he won't even notice what's on TV, he won't even know where he is. He'll most likely assume he's slipped into some magical parallel universe where buffalo wings sprout from the table and pizza bagels fall from the sky. And so while he works himself into a food coma, you can relax and enjoy The Bachelor.

Steps 1 and 2 are only temporary fixes. For a long-term solution, you're going to have to bring out the big guns (no, I'm not saying you should shoot him, instead try):

Step 3. The Ultimatum. Sure you resort to this one all the time...but why shouldn't you? It works. What was it that Maslow said? "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." It's a simple choice really, he's gonna have to choose between you and his TV viewing habits. Now you need to be careful in how you present these options. If you come right out and say "You have to choose - it's either me or your 52" High Definition Plasma TV"...you may not be entirely satisfied with his answer. If, on the other hand you present these options when it's "business time" (see below) both your television and your man will both soon forget that there ever was such a thing as ESPN.

His Stuff

His stuff was nice when you were dating. You wandered through his apartment looking at all the furniture, the little knick-knacks and the "wall-art" thinking - how cute! When you saw his attempts at interior decorating, you felt a little like you'd feel if you happened upon a two-year old trying to dress herself or perform complex mathematical equations - well isn't that just adorable! In fact, the only thing you find more adorable than his early attempts at decorating is the quaint little idea he somehow got stuck in his head that he's going to be able to keep anything he purchased Before Marriage (B.M.). Now that you're living together, you don't want to live in a man-cave. You want doilies and table-runners and pink frilly toilet seat covers made of thick shag carpeting that make it impossible to leave the toilet seat up! But how do you banish everything he ever owned or loved from the B.M. era? I'm glad you asked...

You'll need to start small. If you come right out demanding that he jettison his entire collection of medieval torture devices on display, you're likely to get some push-back. I know you hate them. You need to be patient. The first step of course is identifying which of his items need to be disposed of. No doubt by now you'll realize that I'm joking about the first step - of course all of his things will need to go. If he had interior decorating skills he no doubt would have married another man who also had interior decorating skills.

Some effective methods for the eradication of all he holds dear include:

1. Arson - While this may sound risky, as they say - the ends justify the means. There's nothing like a clean (albeit charred and blackened) slate to start your marriage off on the right foot. Be sure to remove any valuables you don't want entirely destroyed. This method has additional unintended benefits - like pest control and getting rid of any old love letters now that he'll no longer need them.

Pros - no long, drawn out arguments; possible insurance money to buy more pillows.

Cons - prison time.

2. Hide-then-Toss - Practicioners of this method will take a single item and hide it somewhere he'll never think to look (ie: behind the tampons). If he notices that the item is missing, you can pull it out from it's hiding place and say something like "Oh, I just wanted to polish that up for you" or (if he seems particularly suspicious or upset) claim you were "thinking of getting it chromed." More than likely he won't even realize that it's gone (unless it's electronic in which case - good luck). If he doesn't say anything for a month, you're free to throw it away and move onto the next item. While this method can be time-consuming, it's currently being practiced successfully by over 73% of wives according to an independent poll.

Pros - subtle; low risk

Cons - time consuming - especially if he has a good memory or large collections of anything that needs to be disposed of.

3. Blackmail - This one is really easy. "How about this? You can either keep your autographed poster of Steve Young or we can keep having sex on a regular basis. I'll let you decide."

Pros - he can still maintain the illusion that he's in the driver's seat.

Cons - sex on a regular basis.

4. Hypnotism (aka: Jedi Mind Tricks) -

Step 1: Remove Clothes.

Step 2: Tell him what to do.

Step 3: Repeat (as necessary)

*Note - this also works in a variety of other situations.

**Warning - do not attempt while he is driving or operating heavy machinery.

Pros - you can, quite literally, get him to do anything (yes ladies, even housework).

Cons - pregnancy.

If you've had success with these or other methods, please share with the rest of our readers in the comments section.