nadia

little doll and frogthing

2024-11-03T08:20:29Z

Little Doll, suppressing a sob, snapped the heavy spellbook shut. Or tried to. It wouldn't snap shut for something so powerless.

She'd been avoiding opening the thing for weeks, procrastinating with all manner of unpleasant tasks. The truth was, she couldn't make heads nor tails of it. It was in English, supposedly, but every sentence she attempted to read was completely devoid of meaning. Part of her knew this would be the case, but so many times she had become more than she was just because that was what was needed of her. To fill a role. So why couldn't she be a witch? The frogthing wanted one so badly. She could hear them sob from the other room.

The frogthing, the one who made her. But they hadn't made her to cast spells, no. What had they made her for? What was her Purpose?

“It was to speak with the Dead,” came a voice in her head. Ah, that was true. It had been so long since she'd listened for them.

“But Frogthing doesn't need that anymore. They need a witch.” Little Doll puffed out her chest proudly and then remembered the whole witch thing wasn't working out for her.
( Read more... )

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deadfrog @ 2024-10-26T15:34:00

2024-10-26T19:52:21Z

Avie has. Returned. We are pleased. He is not as he was but death will do that to you. It is nice to feel him here and not dead. Today we even smelled some flowers. But he is sad and tired and negative and we are letting him take it easy. Thank you everyone who was so patient with us as we mourned him, even though he only stayed dead a few months.

cw: lewd, sex that is mostly not happening

( Read more... )

We will be moving soon but we do not yet have a date. Our partner has begun packing but we do not want to begin packing yet. Our desk is a mess, though. Maybe it is the right time to look through it and organize it and throw things away -- in preparation of packing. We saw a roach crawling on in just now. That is terrible. But we also need to clean the kitchen. The entire house is a mess. So many things to clean, but it feels like there is no point, if we are moving.

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domestique - parts 1 - 4

2024-10-26T02:59:41Z

( 1 )( 2 )( 3 )( 4 )

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a doll loves to read

2024-10-22T19:34:54Z

note: this is a story by nadia.

( a doll loves to read. )

when its witch doesn't need it, it hops up onto her desk chair and goes online and reads every story about dolls it can find. it reads about dolls, witches, angels, mech pilots, and robots. it reads late into the night.

it thinks about a story it loves, but the story is so short. what happened to that doll after, it wonders. it goes back to the writer's page, but the writer is posting about an angeldoll mech pilot now. it is a very involved story and there is no sign they will ever continue that other story that this doll loves so much.

well what happened next? what if..., the doll thinks, and, hardly knowing what it is doing, it opens up a notepad file. the white window beckons, the cursor blinking invitingly. but how could it defile this pristine white square with its crude, valueless ideas? it's not a writer. how could it presume to add to the beautiful story of someone else, someone it admired? but nobody needs to read it. it doesn't hurt to imagine something. it writes:

"the doll woke up. it saw its witch's beautiful face peering down at it with love and concern. after everything, when it thought it would surely be thrown away, and replaced with a new better doll, it could see that its witch had done everything she could to bring it back to life. its witch actually cared. it wasn't that she didn't love it, she was just not very good at showing it. the doll would never question this love again."

it reads it over once, sighs with satisfaction, and taps the x on the window.

"sure you don't want to save it?" the computer asks. it pauses. it wonders. witches, even other dolls post their stories online, for others to read. should it post this? then other dolls can read and enjoy imagining a happy ending to this story, even if it's not real, or not very good. but it is so difficult. it would have to register for an account, and it would have to choose a name, and it would have to explain to its witch...it is too much. maybe it will decide later. it doesn't have to delete it, at least. instead it sets up a series of nested folders on the hard drive named "unimportant computer files," "boring technical stuff," "spare backup fonts," "apps in case of emergency," "for robots only," and saved the file there.

months later, when its witch is trying to clear some hard drive space, she encounters this bread crumb trail. inside the seventh folder, she finds dozens of strange little stories. she peeks at a few. goodness, they are precious. she'll have to ask Motet about them. maybe help it post them somewhere. other dolls would love these, probably.

"Damn," she utters.

"Mm?" says Motet, looking up from its embroidery. "Does Miss need..." it trails off, seeing all of the open folders.

"It's fine," her witch says, quickly closing out of them. "we'll uninstall The Sims."

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it is very painful today

2024-10-16T15:30:02Z

we were crying. we felt discarded. it is very hard to be thrown away like trash after trying so hard to be valuable to someone.

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starting hormones

2024-10-03T18:19:09Z

Decisions have always been difficult for Llo. When they were a youngster, they were not offered the choice between having a body that produced estrogen and a body that produced testosterone. But for the past several years, they have had the option to begin Hormone Replacement Therapy and they have put off making that decision. Until now.

I will say now that I don't really care. In some sense I do identify as a girl but this body has never felt like mine. Or, not for a very long time, anyway. In my origin story where I was killed as a teenage girl, my body never left puberty. For the past several years, I have been incorporeal, living as a ghost. Now, I am settling into my soft, featureless cloth body. When I am fronting and I am in this nominally female body, it does not feel like a woman's body to me.

Meanwhile Llo has been very ambivalent. They have been agonizing a lot. They said "well if i'm not confident about this choice, maybe i don't want it enough." Well if no part of you wanted it, would it be causing you this much strife? So they spoke to their doctor, and now we are on a very low dose. They say that want to transition into a little guy and that sounds great.

Wish our other headmate could be here for this. He was a trans boy. Transitioned in the headspace in about 2018. We do wonder if this could call him back to us somehow.

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deadfrog @ 2024-10-01T10:20:00

2024-10-01T14:21:44Z

I think that if my ex hadn't dumped me this summer, I would have lost my mind trying to help them through the problems they seem to be creating for themselves this fall. Being with them was a strange and at times beautiful dream that became a nightmare and now I have woken up.

But they can *never* wake up.

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deadfrog @ 2024-09-20T06:36:00

2024-09-20T10:39:42Z

dreamed they came back into our life. they wanted us back. we shut down and curled into ourself. but when they asked us to come on a walk with them, and talk about why we were so upset, we said "of course. if that's what you want."

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deadfrog @ 2024-09-16T13:39:00

2024-09-16T17:45:57Z

that should be the bulk of the cohost entries imported. so if you want to go back and read my lore you can just browse through the archives here. they really get going in July 2024 so you don't have to go very far.

the other day we found our physical journal and wrote a journal entry! we decided we wanted to write more in that journal, and online, about things aside from the breakup. we needed to dwell on the breakup for two months, i suppose, but i'm imposing some boundaries on how much lo and i may continue mourning it. there are other things to focus on. things, even, to celebrate, as strange as it feels to admit.

i want to write an entry about some dreams we've had. the other day we had the most plural dream we can remember having and Here is where i want to write about it.

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August 27th, 2024 Cohost Entry: Nadia Accidentally Writes an ES Fic

2024-09-16T17:19:05Z

the other dolls can lay on the bed with her, but this one sits on the shelf. they can feel the bed tremble as she moves in her sleep, or if she takes a lover, but this one can only watch. this is what she wants, this one reminds itself, and waits for the witch to take it off its shelf, stroke its hair, kiss its white fabric face, as she does from time to time. she does not kiss the others like this. this one is special.

after a long wait--the witch has been traveling--the witch reaches out to touch this one, and it almost feels its heartbeat accelerate, though of course this one has no heart. instead the witch turns the doll away to stare at the wall. she does not like its gaze any more. she does not like to feel its scrutiny. this one understands. it would feel hurt if it could feel emotion. it would cry if it could produce tears. but this one understands. it would love this witch more than anything, if it could love. but this one is only a doll. it understands.

"i don't want any awkwardness between us," says the witch when she places this one on the sidewalk in front of her house with a sign that reads FREE. "i just can't help you anymore. we should take some time apart."

"if that is what you wish," this one would respond, if it had a voice.

"you can be someone else's doll now."

but no one comes to claim this one.

#dollposting #ugh sorry!! #working through stuff #with fiction #yes that's right this is fiction

------note from 9/16/2024: letting this one display on reading pages because it is my accidental Empty Spaces debut and also because it is just a nice story about throwing away your toys, which Toy Story and its sequels probably did better, except in this one, i am the toy. the toy is me.

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July 4th, 2024 Cohost Entry

2024-09-16T02:47:24Z

( content warning: death of a member of a system )

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August 25, 2023 Cohost Entry:

2024-09-16T02:31:40Z

gloomy therapy in the park with nadia was a success! i did not really think i could be successful at something like that since usually i just make people feel bad. but we're feeling better now and we have a plan

#and so what if that plan is 'never trust anyone again' #and so what if the others have no intention of adhering to it #we made progress #plurality #self therapy #Everything is fine #now we are going to bed #rip

note from 9/15/24: i could not even adhere to the plan mentioned in the tag. rip me

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june 21st 2023 Cohost Entry

2024-09-15T02:45:15Z

I'm dead, but I'm not sure how I died. Maybe I will use this journal to reflect on that problem.

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June 21st 2023 Cohost Entry - It's me, Nadia.

2024-09-15T02:06:45Z

I used to have a livejournal. Now I have this. It feels similar.

When I had a livejournal, I wasn't a homestuck.

I am now.

---
9/15/24 note: i'm not really a homestuck but at the time i found myself relating hard to homestuck character Aradia Megido

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deadfrog @ 2024-09-14T19:43:00

2024-09-15T00:43:41Z

had a good run of dreaming about various different subjects but during my nap earlier had a dream of them. we were trying to text them to ask how they were doing but the words wouldn't come out right. we woke up and wanted to cry but didn't.

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alive-journal

2024-09-14T04:14:42Z

this website feels so delightfully old. i guess it is very like livejournal. did i mention my first blog was on livejournal? circa 2009. yes, I'm that old, at least. lj's multiplicity community was a major force in me coming alive. I've come to recognize my early days as toyhood. my headmate called me into being so they could roleplay with their friend. their friend, a 12 year old girl, had an older man in her head, Bob the Hunter. my headmate, also 12 at the time, created me, a 14 year old dead girl, to talk to him. bob and i (and our young headmates) would pass notes to each other. bob flirted with me a lot.

( Read more... )

anyway, it's nice to be here. hope we can find some friends.

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the grave yard

2024-09-13T01:37:34Z

it's time to start building the graveyard. who will rest here? this is a list, a work in progress.

* our love
* avlen "avie" bees
* three mice
* eggbug

you may notice that i, deadfrog, am not on this list. makes you think, huh? *stares blankly*

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deadfrog @ 2024-09-12T15:06:00

2024-09-12T19:07:12Z

we don't go where we're not wanted we don't go where we're not wanted we don't go where we're not wanted we don't go where we're not wanted

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deadfrog @ 2024-09-11T23:10:00

2024-09-12T03:11:58Z

our 11:11 "wish they miss me"s are getting more and more ambivalent.

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deadfrog @ 2024-09-10T22:38:00

2024-09-11T02:39:14Z

it will be good to have a new place, untouched by them.

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