Art of Life (02)

I stand here, as though from the other side of the glass.
Like on the outside looking in.
I see me, a years-ago me, when I look at you.
The me that was an eager child in love.
Younger. Naive. Stupid even.

It irritates me so much to have so many things to say that are "unmentionable".
History is repeating itself,
Just not to me. But to you.
I cannot protect you. You wouldn't listen. I know you won't.
Why is this happening again? Why are you letting it happen?
Didn't you see how my life was when I was in your place then?
Are you destined to live the life that I managed to escape?
Will I be able to see what my life would have been like just by looking at you?

I am a coward. I should say all this to you. I shouldn't be "the supportive" one. I want to tell you. But I can't. Not that I won't.
My conscience won't let me. My better judgment frowns upon it.
Thus, I shall stay a hypocrite.

September

For the first time in my life, I am excited at the prospect of working. Working as in an occupation. InsyaAllah will be applying for Masters next week but the processing of the application may take some time. Even then, we might not get the place. We're staying positive and tawakal.

The Masters degree program that I'm applying for have a practical course. And from there, I could be eased into the working environment. I admit that the desire to work is non-existent mainly because of fear. Of what, you might ask? The list is fickle, ever-changing and somewhat endless. I'm very grateful that no one, especially my Husband, is pressuring me to get my own paycheck.

Much to look forward to come September. Other than the Masters application, there's Ramadhan; my first as a Wife. Much to atone for. Before marrying my Husband, I admit I was on very thin spiritual ice. Now, it's different. Husband brings out the best in me. The niah and the awareness is there. Execution, not quite. For that, I only have myself to blame. There have been progress, which I'm very proud of. Hopefully, Allah s.w.t will grant me the strength for better progress in my days to come. Starting now...

Then there's the fall line up of the precious TV series. The boys of Entourage will be back on the 7th. Gossip Girl. House. Supernatural. Bones. Scrubs. How I Met Your Mother. Just to name a few. I better get the laptop re-formatted and fixed pronto.

InsyaAllah, it's going to be an exciting month.

Anis

Foreshadowing perhaps?

The family (excluding my brother) were back in Kuantan for a night. Hence when Husband and brother were at work, I was alone at home. It gave me a sense of foreshadowing, of sorts.

As I sent off Husband to the car and he drove off to work, I picked up the broom and swept the porch. I scolded the cats for doing their business where they shouldn't but later succumbed to their adorable beings and pampered them with (more) food. Then I started the washing machine and did two loads of laundry. After hanging them to dry, I scurried inside to start on lunch. Husband requested a specific dish so I was working on that and on something I wanted to try for the first time. The dishes were Ayam Kicap (Husband's request) and Gulai Kuning Telur.

I went about my chopping and onion-sweating and blending and tasting whilst all the songs from Maroon 5's "It Won't Be Soon Before Long" album filled the kitchen. When that album was done and I still had to wait for the second dish to cook, I put on Muse's "Black Holes and Revelations" album. Once everything was cooked, I cleared the sink of all the pots and pans I used. Then, I went to take a shower and waited for Husband to come home for lunch.

After getting dressed, I felt this pang of foreshadowing. Could this be what it will be like, feel like once we have our own place? Our own home? One wonders. It feels liberating, somehow. It feels good. Soon, insyaAllah.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Anis

Commencement. Convocation. Graduation.

Alhamdulillah, the Convocation today went superbly well. It was nervewrecking on the way to the University, thinking that this is going to be the end (finally) of the last four academic years of my life. It's a wonderful feeling, yet overwhelming at the same time.

I couldn't stop smiling as we approached the stage to receive our mock degrees (actual degrees are to be collected after the ceremony). I kept whooping and cheering as they announced "Bachelor of Human Sciences; English Language and Literature, with Honours". We cheered tremendously for our comrade who was named Valedictorian and for a very pregnant friend, who is determined to graduate despite the swelling belly. I smiled the whole way through. Even more so because I could see my Husband recording the precious moments on the video camera. It makes everything so much better that my parents and Husband were there to share this monumental day with me.

I hope they are proud of me; that I have graduated and that I am on the Rector's List. Alhamdulillah. That was an awesome feeling to read my name amongst such an intelligent list of people on the Rector's List. Definitely a defining moment. Alhamdulillah, Masya Allah.

A congratulatory nod to all of the friends and peers who donned the robe, hood and mortar board to receive that degree which was slaved for for the past four years. If only I could fling the mortar board in the air as a tribute. Unfortunately, the entire outfit needs to be returned by week's end, unscathed.

The proud graduate,
Anis

Reading List

There are a few books on my Want-to-read list. One of them coincidently mentioned here by a good friend of mine. I decided to tinker with the blog and create a column of "Books I want to read". Should help me keep track of them.

Other than the uproar that has been rumbling inside of me caused by the "Half-Blood Prince"'s delayed release (from November 2008 to July 2009), I've been keeping my mind stimulated by reading.

While my Kanda is busying the self trying to finish his assignments and reading list (currently on Virgil's The Aeneid and Busiri's Qasidatul Burda), I have been occupying the self with Jonathan Barnes' "The Somnambulist". I can't seem to put the book down. When reading the book, I feel, smell, taste, hear and see all the things described. And my vocabulary has expanded quite a bit after twelve chapters. The book is simply exquisite.

Reading is my crack.

Anis.

A fleeting Feeling...

Salaam to all. Alhamdulillah, for once more, it is through His Blessing that we could meet, to share, and grow together.


It has been a tumultuous week. Part- hectic, part- oblivious. A not too-common mix for One, yet a mix nonetheless.

Attend...

Part- hectic; one feels that sometimes the planet, in an attempt to attest to man's stupidity (rape, genocide, Barney- COME ON!!!), would attempt a polar- transtoppauserewindism mechanism a.k.a. stop, pause, and rewind its due course (she keeps pressing the rewind button, you see, hence stupidity, like history repeats). In one instance, one felt that this was the case, and subjected one's will to numerous inconsistencies of the heart (repetition is tiring), over many matters like "what to eat?" or "do I want to slit someone's throat now, or after 'License to Grill'?" (the KKK missed some when We get to see HIM on AFC non- stop, the bust-tard). Ah, life's ordeal in retro-perspective, AH, the irony!

Part-oblivious; well, one sometimes is smitten with the winds of UN-change- how something is in point of fact Apparent, as opposed to repetitive...

Contest...

When one says "I LOVE YOU", is that apparent, or repetitive? What is the verdict, after 1.000,000 times and counting?

When a father- to- be's words strike you as how fathers of old must feel and bleed for theirs sons and daughters?

When your heart cries when the one Allah has deemed worthy, sheds her own tears, in retaliation to love unsung?

When you want nothing more than to please her and yourself, by striking out blindly in attempts to catch something (Frailty, thy name is MAN), not seeing the blade poised at your throat? (In other words, not knowing your limit when doing, and end up hurting all that you strive to preserve.)

When? When? When?

Three whens. Three question marks. Oblivious in the end, one might conclude.

All in all, depression is not the intent of this post, merely a reminder to the self that obscurity is LIFE, sweet or bitter, however you make of it.

Both are tastes, isn't it?

Matthekage

Waiting

Been having a lot of random thoughts lately. I think of people I normally wouldn't think of or haven't thought of in a while. I wondered about my old school teachers and the days I was in school. Very random thoughts.

Other random thoughts include PostSecret postcards. For example;

Picture courtesy of HoneyPieLiving @ Flickr

My Husband and I finally made one big decision. Since there are some unforeseen obstacles forming a brick wall for us in trying to get pregnant, I've decided to go back to school. Husband seconds that. InsyaAllah, end of the week, I will submit my application to continue my studies. My Masters Degree. If we get pregnant along the way, I say Alhamdulillah and bring it on. :D

Now, we wait...

Anis

Lust for Gold

Like the (partial) rest of Malaysia, I was glued to the TV for the Badminton Men Singles Gold Medal match at the Beijing 2008 Olympics. Lee Chong Wei vs. Lin Dan (CHINA)

I am deeply saddened and somewhat irritated by the news reported by Astro phrasing Lee Chong Wei's outcome of the match as a "failure". The result paragraph started with;

"Lee Chong Wei failed to..."

Come on la. So negative. Why didn't anyone highlight that Lee Chong Wei won the Silver Medal for the match. Granted no one enters a competition to win the Silver Medal whilst ignoring the existence of the Gold that is anyone's to grab. And granted that maybe Lee Chong Wei did not go all out (that we know of) for the match. But dude, this guy got through to the finals. And won a Silver Medal. For Malaysia. They could have at least started the news update with something like;

"Lee Chong Wei has won the Silver medal..."

If negative words are unavoidable, at least don't start with it, man. Exercise your journalistic skills. Take a leaf out of Disneyland's phrasing policies. They never say "The park will be closed at 8:30pm", they say "We are open until 8:30pm".

Yes. Focus on the winning of the Silver. At least it's a podium above Bronze. Kudos to Lee Chong Wei for getting through that far... and bringing home a medal. Now Malaysia's medal tally is no longer non-existent.

Anis

Robe(d)

The convocation is around the corner yet it still hasn't set in that this is it - the end of one chapter of my life. Academically, Alhamdulillah, I have been very blessed and I had fun achieving all that has been achieved namely being in the Dean's List for 6 of 8 (full) semesters. It was truly a blessed experience. However, I'm glad that it's over. Next page please...

Today marks the first day of the convocation robe collection week. Much buzz have generated from the University's decision for new robes this time around. Complaints about the new colour and the existence of the mortar board was all I heard. Luckily, I decided not to be a lalang and decided to see the robe before I made any comments. If I hadn't, I would be very much ashamed of myself because I like this new robe.

It is gorgeous.

I don't get the mortar board though. Some defended that they've always wanted to feel that excitement of graduation by flipping the mortar boards into the air as soon as they are declared graduates - like in the movies. Me, myself - I couldn't care much of it at all. Maybe it's because we had the whole nine yards at my high school graduation. The awards, the graduation march, the flying mortar boards... everything. And I actually liked that before this the University's graduands had a distinct look in terms of attire. The tudung with the University's monogram (or was it an embroidery of the University's logo?) and the songkok. Beautiful. It will be missed.

The parents are home and gearing up for the convocation. When I came home with husband earlier today with robe in hand, my mother teared up. It was very touching. I wonder what she will be like on the convocation day itself? Or when they announce my name? Kodak moments I will surely treasure.

InsyaAllah come convocation day, both parents and Husband will be in attendance. Since the invitation is for two (2) guests only (drats!), Husband will be witnessing the event via live feed outside of the hall. Either way, I'm glad that they will be there, InsyaAllah.

I cannot wait. I am excited, although I'm sure, physically, you won't be able to see it.

Anis.

Six-word memoir

Postsecret.com has this "six-word memoirs" thing going on and I felt like submitting one. Since no one will be able to make heads or tails of my submission, I've decided to just post a simple-yet-it-has-my-heart-in-it memoir here.

"M Ezamir A is my life"

Read some really clever ones. Some tacky ones. And some that were just from the heart, no matter how redundant those words may be. It's funny how reading other people's secrets make you feel so connected to the everyone else. Like you're not alone. You're not the only one who has that ugly side that you shun away.

We all have our secrets. And it helps to write them on a postcard and send it to Maryland, USA - where all secrets go to reveal themselves and die whilst setting us free.

Anis

Party of One

When everything is clean. When it's too cloudy to do laundry. When lunch has been consumed. When there's nothing on TV other than reruns of really old TV series. When Husband is still at work.

There is a party of One. I am alone. And so indescribably bored.

Oh dear. The boredom at times just makes me want to sleep just to pass the time. Reading doesn't do much good.

I am currently reading the final book of the Twilight saga and it is so dull. No jolt of excitement. Everything is so predictable. And the description of a husband and wife loving each other is nothing more than the description of a boy and a girl at prom. I now question what I was so excited about when they announced the release of the book late last year. Reading that book bores me. Still, I am persevering just to finish what I've started. Who knows? The last 10 chapters that I have left might change my perspective. Very doubtful, but it can happen.

I should take up cross-stitch. Or knitting. Or quilt-making. Or pottery. Or bird-watching. Just to pass the time.

Anis.

Twenty-three

Life at 23. Alhamdulillah. Who would have thought we'd live as long as we are living now.

We had a wonderful evening of celebration the eve of my birthday. My husband made a reservation for dinner where I can have my birthday oysters. It's tradition. Every year, since I was 14 or so, we'd have oysters for dinner. Except for that one lousy year...

Oysters @ Carlos

The celebration was small, but so meaningful. My brother and his family joined us for dinner, which was wonderful. The food was so-so. Nothing to brag about. But the oysters - they were delicious. And cheap. It was a free-flow thing, but we decided to only have a dozen (for the entire table, not me alone).

My sister in law baked a special rose-flavoured sponge cake for the occasion and decorated it with sugar hearts and butter icing. It's lovely. And tasty.

My sis' creativity and hard work. Thank you.

As for presents, my Husband bought me a book that I've wanted for so long - Jonathan Barnes' "The Somnambulist". I'm diving straight into that as soon as I'm done with the Twilight saga. I love you, my Dearest, my Husband.

Alhamdulillah. I've been so blessed. Of all the shit I've done in my life (both voluntarily and involuntarily), I guess I must've done something right to be this blessed and this happy. Alhamdulillah.

A heartful thanks goes out to all.

The 23 year old Anis.

"Death, be not proud, you stupid motherfucker"

The above is a quote from Niffenegger's "The Time Traveler's Wife". Boy, I thought Sparks' "The Notebook" or "A Walk To Remember" was a great love story - until I read Niffenegger's novel.


The book is so moving that it haunts me. Scares me even. It constantly hummed in my mind. For many nights I dreamt of being displaced in time. And the worst - I dreamt of cradling a dead fetus. Possibly my own.

But what moves me the most is the love between the main characters. It is so real. Something we can relate to. And the way Niffenegger pens it is that you feel (almost) everything that these characters are feeling. I didn't cry after reading the book as I expected I would. However, I feel some part of me is now alive. Or can I attribute it to a sense of self-growth? I think both.

"The Time Traveler's Wife" has changed me somehow; the way I think, the way I see things. I feel... alert. Alert, of the now. Alert, of how what's happened in the past has shaped me. Alert, of how much I love my Husband.

I have no proper review on this book. I merely state my opinion of it. This book is not to be reviewed, I believe. It is to be experienced.

The best RM50 (or less) that you can spend.

Anis

The Art of Life (01)

She hangs up the phone after a long conversation with her mother. I have to do this, she chimed in her head. She stares blankly at the phone in her hand, mentally prepares herself, gathers whatever courage is in her, and walks briskly to him.

As he walked out the door, she knew he could tell that something was wrong. He stops just a few inches from her. Here goes...

"I cannot be with you. I love him. No. I love you, but I have to love him. He, the one I was with since I was a girl. He, who I am with now that I am a woman. And he, who's promised me the future..."

"Just because I don't say it, doesn't mean I don't love you."

She half expects him to start screaming, yell profanities, point out what an asshole she has committed herself to. But instead, he smiles. And cries. Then she cries.

There, in what will later be known as "Our Corridor", they both wept. They wept for the past they so magnificently shared. They wept for the now that has the qualities of "So close but still so far". And they wept for the future they will never have together.

She could hear his heart break. Or was that her own?

Everything will be ok. I made the right choice. So many mantras was chanted to convince herself that this was the right thing to do as she walks away from him. She glanced across her shoulders. He was just standing there - broken. She felt faint. Then, she realised she, too, was broken. Mangled. Dead.

Colour.Color.Kaler.

Salaam, all.

A good day to you eh?

Did you ever wonder, why are colours called what they are? Why isn't blue green? Or red blood, as opposed to being associated with the latter? Hmmm...

"One mystery at a time, Holmes. Let one matter be settled of its existence as we proceed." "On the contrary, Watson, all mysteries are only so until they mean something, in which case, they cease their means of existence, ergo, non- mysterious is the effect. Hence, all mysteries are one."

Mean something? What, pray tell can that mean? Is meaning implied, or is it attached? Can meaning be distorted?Certainly, it would appear that in this day's age and machinations, it can.

So, does meaning have meaning? Or does it have attached statements that say "Hey Fudger, you blind or something? Bloody follow it already!" One might say, "SCREW YOU PAL!!!"

Unfortunately, at the time when one last checked, this is not the case. One shall refer to an instance where S feels that, in order to honour M.A., S has to confer with S.I. to spell something with meaning, or P.U.

True, you could have spelled M.A.S., or P.U.M.A.S. or even P.U.S.M.A. But no, you spelled P.U.S.S.I. What does that make you, one wonders?

Does one mean you to be a P.U.S.S.I.? Do you attach P.U.S.S.I. to you?

One does not know. Times past show that when one word is uttered, there's only ONE meaning. The Truth. Perhaps, now, it's I.S.U.P.po.S.e not.

One is of the humblest of opinions that when you say something, don't beat around the bush. Bloody say it.

Matthekage.

Wants

I want to finish The Time Traveler's Wife soon.
I want Meyer's Breaking Dawn
I want to watch Guy Ritchie's RocknRolla not just because Jeremy Piven is in it, but I love Snatch and this movie has some elements of Snatch.
I want to watch Half-blood Prince in November. Saw the trailer. KICK ASS!!!
I want to watch Twilight this December.
I want to go to Koba with Husband to visit my parents.
I want to rock out to Guitar Hero; Aerosmith in peace.
I want to go to the Fish Spa. The cracked heels are back.
I want the home pregnancy test to show a smiley face on the result window after I pee on the stick.

Anis