People do not yet realize The Perfect Mousetrap is the most important talk I’ve given to the Covenant Christian community. It will look different a few months from now. Over the last couple of weeks there has been feedback that I’ve answered in private or in emails, and I’m going to put some of the criticism in this post and summarize my responses:
Criticism: That talk is not inspired.
Response: I do not believe that to be true. It was inspired. It is up to the listener/reader to determine what source inspired the talk.
Criticism: This was just Denver defending his wife and daughters.
Response: Clearly the talk states the complete opposite of this, and so that criticism cannot possibly be true.
Criticism: The talk leaves out the important word “nice” and therefore misses the mark.
Response: Do a word search of the scriptures and you will discover that the word “nice” is not in any scripture.
Criticism: There is nothing wrong with a couple having disagreements, arguments, or fights. The problem comes when either side refuses to fight fairly. To have a fair fight, it requires that there are rules about how to go about it, and both sides need to respect those rules. It is nearly impossible to reach an agreement on a matter when one of the participants is continually cheating.
Name calling, accusations, blaming, belittling, harsh language, raising of voices, lying, misrepresentation, exaggeration, bringing in past unrelated issues, logical fallacies, deceptive rhetoric laced with hyperbole, false labeling, and many other devices can be used to cheat in what should be a reasonable discussion about differences of opinion.
When a group or individual decides to withdraw from the conversation, I find that it is usually for one of three reasons: 1. The withdrawing side recognizes that the other side is cheating and refuses to discuss the matter in good faith. 2. The withdrawing side recognizes that the discussion has become unproductive because one or both sides are just talking past each other without any willingness to recognize valid points brought up by the other side or any willingness to concede ground towards a resolution. When the same arguments come up over and over again, it is a symptom that one or both sides are not listening to each other or feel that they are not being heard. 3. The exchange has become abusive. I felt like you were saying that only physical violence hurts and words do not hurt. That may be true for some, but I don’t think it is true for many. Sensitive souls find yelling, swearing, name-calling, bitter language, and other forms of communication abusive and hurtful. It is not uncommon for whoever is the biggest bully in an argument to declare victory simply because the other side can no longer take the abuse.
So I think it is important to not interpret not wanting to continue a discussion over a disagreement as the other side just being unwilling to do so. I think it is more often the case that people don’t want to continue because they are being treated poorly and unfairly by the process.
The “how” is much more important than the “what” in dispute resolution. I am not privy to the debates that have been going on with the women’s conferences and online discussions, but one thing has been clear to me from all of the women who have confided in me why they are frustrated with what has happened. The common thread is that many feel they are trying their best to have reasonable discussions, but that they are not being met with the same respect from their counterparts on the argument. They feel like they are being bullied into submission, and that they are not being allowed to explain their cause, and that rules are being set up to unfairly favor one side. I am not at all astonished that most of the women no longer want to continue the discussion – many of them have expressed great sadness at being treated poorly and unfairly.
I think there is a reason why “jarring” is often paired next to “contention”. I believe you have correctly noted that discussing differences and working toward resolution is not contention. I think the jarring and contention come into play when either side cheats and tries to win the argument by using strong language or other unfair tactics mentioned above. Could this not be a more effective mouse trap against the movement? You invite us to work through difficult problems, but without ground rules of how to do so fairly, I worry we are just going to invite jarring and contention to tear us apart.
So this brings me to my second concern and what I see as another “mouse trap” from the adversary.
I think it is a well-known tactic of the adversary to infiltrate groups and movements with those who have aligned themselves with him. Without a reasonable process and fair fights, all the adversary has to do to destroy the Christian Covenant movement is to infiltrate with people who use unfair tactics to win every discussion. They can simply refuse to budge from what is an actual wrong and/or false position, and they will be able to win the argument by wearing down their opponent’s patience. They can lie, use sophistry, cheat, abuse, and bully their way to win all arguments to push the adversary’s agenda. The adversary can derail us if we don’t recognize his tactics in debate, where he chooses to win the argument through forceful intimidation rather than logic, reasonableness, and persuasion. I fear that if you tell everyone they need to just come and engage in heated discussions about difficult topics without any rules about how to do so with fairness, kindness, politeness, and with mutual respect, you are handing the victory to the adversary. It won’t be a fair fight.
Response: Good points. I am concerned that in our present circumstances, if there is any way to modify, excuse, or avoid the obligation to engage in a discussion instead of assuming the obligation to reason together, the “escape” will be chosen. There is far too much emotional immaturity at present, and there needs to be more resilience. Of course, not everyone will act the role of the responsible, mature, and reasoned negotiator. But we are too early in the group dynamics to go there right now. I’d like to salvage as many people as possible. But I accept the reality that not everyone can endure what must be endured in the rough-and-tumble of building a peaceful society, at least not under the present circumstances. Maybe if we are visited with terrible economic conditions, social upheaval, and violence we will be able to act more respectfully and cohesively as a body. But I’m hoping we can accomplish it with just encouragement to rise above our petty differences and let our people become beloved neighbors. We’re a long way from that.
Ultimately, not everyone will be able to live in peace with everyone else, at least not from my vantage point at present. But the Lord has a way of shaping people independent of how we view them, and that may well change the picture dramatically in time.
Criticism: The use of Moroni and Parhoran is completely missing the context we face. Our people include people who are nothing like Moroni making terrible and insulting/threatening accusations and we can’t use that example of scripture with people like that.
Response: It doesn’t matter what our people and their challenges are like. The pattern still applies and should be followed. Get the person you are dealing with to state their assumptions and needs. Many, if not most, problems arise from vastly different sets of assumptions underlying the two sides. People are generally not irrational. They just see the problem from very different viewpoints. Once the assumptions and needs are understood, then clarity comes from clarifying (where needed) the assumptions and addressing the needs. If two sides are proceeding from two different ‘realities’, then the discussion can go nowhere. But if they can agree on a single set of facts, then a meaningful conversation can proceed.
Criticism: Earlier talks mention that the Heavenly Mother hates the froward (argumentative) soul, and the Answer to Prayer for Covenant teaches us to measure our words before giving voice to them, and consider the hearts of others. This talk contradicts that.
Response: No, it focuses on the dire circumstances we face because we are not honest and forthright with one another. Instead of working to overcome differences, we are quick, in fact eager, to relegate someone we aren’t communicating with to being ‘pruned’ away because we can’t relate to and communicate with them. We are assuming God’s role when we start ‘pruning’ people away. Our tiny group should be precious to one another rather than being easily discarded because of disagreements.
Observation: Perhaps because the majority of the current body of believers come from an LDS background it will be impossible for these people to adapt. They have a framework that relies on people in authority to govern, regulate, and resolve issues. When those guardrails are removed, everyone must deal with one another directly and individually. We are very poor at that. Maybe the current generation emerging from the LDS mindset cannot accomplish the needed maturity and emotional resilience to become of one mind and one heart. Perhaps we will need 40 years for that generation to pass away before the youth can finish the trek. Assuming the individual responsibility to handle conflict responsibly and charitably may be beyond our current group’s capacity, there will hopefully be another subsequent generation that rises to meet the challenge.