Where is our Heavenly Mother?

 It can’t be more clear to me now how hard satan is working to lead away the women of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. A couple of weeks ago, I read a well written post of someone who is a friend of mine. The post was about the lack of mention of a Heavenly Mother anywhere in our church and how hurt she was by this. Well, forgetting for a moment that most, if not all, Christian churches in the world who believe the Bible to be the word of God also lack mention nor teach about a Heavenly Mother, I admit, I myself was saddened by this. I suppose I had never thought I needed to know about my Heavenly Mother because I trusted and believed the only being I needed to focus on to get me back to my Heavenly home was my Savior, Jesus Christ. When I was growing up, I was taught we didn’t talk about Her because She was too sacred. Well, no, it just hadn’t been revealed. However, truly, this now bothered me. Why don’t we know about our Heavenly Mother? Why if we preach about eternal families and that we can live with our loved ones for all eternity do we not speak about our Heavenly Mother? Is it because men who run the church want to shun us and keep us in our rightful place, below our husbands? What a fool I was to think that the loud voices of this world, who claim social justice for all, might actually have something legitimate to make me upset and weaken my faith in God. Still, why would a loving God keep knowledge of my Heavenly Mother from me? Why? As I pondered this question, I turned to who I do know, who I do have a relationship with and prayed for answers. Those answers came. Not the answers that the loud voices want to hear, but the voice of a loving Heavenly Father, who will answer a humbled, pleading, faithful daughter. As I listened to the voices of those in authority to speak from God this weekend at General Conference and listening for the spirit to reveal to myself truth and light, I learned a few things. One of which is that Heavenly Father hears us and cares about us as women and individuals, just as He does every other child of His. I know this because there was a session for women that spoke, in answer, to this very concern. Reaffirming what we already know, which is not much, but assuring us that the family is most important and ordained of God. Just think, to say that much hasn’t been revealed about a Heavenly mother, would suggest 2 things. First, that revelation is real and not just made up depending on what the world has a problem with at the moment. How easy it could have been to make up something to appease the women of the church at any time in the last 200 years. Second, that it is the women who are challenged by the cunning of the devil most at this point and  time. As I think specifically of the women I know, in droves,  who are struggling with their faith and leaving the church, I see it now more than ever. WE ARE NEEDED! Our faith is needed! Faith to move mountains! Faith to prepare the world for the coming of our Savior to return to the earth and rule and reign in righteousness. It is happening and satan is going after the very heart of what this church stands for. How dare satan say the family isn’t important in this church! How dare he persuade us to pass over the many doctrines that have been revealed and taught and make us think it must not be true because of little mention of Heavenly Mother! And how dare I fall for it! Oh, how perfect and wonderful is our Heavenly Father for not giving us every bit of knowledge that we may prove ourselves and our faith, that it may grow into the faith needed to prepare the earth and its people for the cleansing and healing to take place. No, women don’t have the authority to do some things as men can, but we do have access to the priesthood, even the power of God! No, we don’t know all about our Heavenly Mother, but we do have one! We have a direct line to our Heavenly Father and any and every time we pray to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, He will respond! If you desire to know our Heavenly Mother, ask to feel close to Her! Ask for strength and understanding. As for me? The spirit has borne witness to me that as Jesus Christ is one in the Father, also is our Mother one in the Father. And we must strive to be one in the same. I hope and pray for the strength of the women of the world in any church to come and stay close to God. Praying always, making and keeping sacred covenants that will help us and strengthen our faith, even faith to move mountains! Faith to stand up for the truth and stand against the lies satan will try to spread! They will only get harder and harder to discern if we do not have God’s spirit always with us. Study, serve, pray, and listen. Love all and teach truth and repentance and that we can only be saved because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He knows the way, He is the way!

New beginnings

So, lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve just randomly been plopped down here on earth, lucky to have been raised in this family, lucky to have the gift of knowing God is real, lucky to end up where I am with a testimony. And thinking about all of those struggling and not utilizing the gifts available to them; but it’s not all their fault, they were raised this way or that way with those friends and they don’t have the experiences I have to had their faith strengthened. You get the point… And as I was studying for my lesson, I came across this quote and after I read it, the spirit just witnessed to me that it was because of how righteous I was before mortality that I was placed where I was. My patriarchal blessing even says that because of my faithfulness and righteous desires I was blessed to be born where I would be prepared and be able to build the testimony necessary to become instrumental in the second coming. I am just so grateful for this gospel. I’ve never been so happy and so grateful for the plan of salvation and I believe it with all my soul. 

“ But more than mortal birth, more than mortal preparation are involved. He was born in the household of faith for a reason, and it was not this life alone that prepared him to stand as a minister of light and truth and salvation to his fellow mortals. The fact is, he is a spirit son of God who was called and chosen and foreordained before the foundations of the earth were laid, and he is now fulfilling the destiny designed for him from the preexistence, and promised him, in our presence, as we sat with him in the grand council when God himself was there.” I think that was Mckonkie or kimball about a new prophet.

When I was 18, I bore my testimony at BYUI one time. I cried so much, it was ridiculous. I sat down and I was like, “That. Was. Ridiculous. No one even knew what I was saying, I can’t control my emotions, that was dumb and pointless.” I vowed never to bear my testimony again and I turned down talks for the next 14 years. I thought I couldn’t be a strength to anyone because people couldn’t even understand what I was saying and I was just embarrassing myself. Well, something changed in me and for some reason I had a desire to preach and help strengthen my ward. I finally felt this is my family. I care about this ward, I truly do love them. The spirit kept nudging me to comment in class more. I bore my testimony being as real as I could, but kept it brief so the flood gates wouldn’t open - in my heart thanking the many women who were brave enough to cry in front of their wards during those 14 years. I discovered if I wrote down what I wanted to say, I wouldn’t be as emotional and plus I enjoy writing and learning the gospel. So, I agreed to give a talk. I was super nervous, but I didn’t cry and I felt like that was a good start. I bore my testimony more and gave another talk, a little less nervous because a lot of these members are my friends and I can talk in front of them. Through the years I kept commenting, kept bearing my testimony, becoming more and more willing and able to say what I wanted without crying the whole time. I no longer get very nervous and I am eager to give talks and comment. I am just so grateful at how far I have come. I never would have thought I could be a source of inspiration to people and I truly just want to tell everyone about the gospel. About the possibilities, the blessings, the joy they can feel from coming closer to Jesus Christ. This is the good news! We will be saved if we believe and accept Jesus because of the atonement. But God still offers us more. More knowledge and understanding so we can be with Him, dwell with him, learn His ways and become even as He is. How loved we are. I am just so happy. 

 I've been on such a spiritual high lately. My testimony strong, the spirit always near. I went to the temple for the first time since they closed last year. It was so great! And then, life happens. Your friends and family start to falter in their faith. So many are leaving the church. So many people I love leaving. Saying, the church doesn't fit with their lifestyle. Even for someone so strong, I think it's a natural thing to doubt your feelings sometimes. So, as I sat, thinking of this, I prayed, "God, please show me you are there. I know I believe, but just remind me, please?" Nothing. What was I expecting would happen? I don't know. So, I sat longer, wondering what if. What if people are on to something? What if God isn't real? What if I've been raised by well-meaning latter-day saints and we've all been bamboozled out of something. What though? Our time? Money? Money taken and given to the poor and the needy. Money used to build temples so millions of people can do work for dead people and spend hours of their time making sure our ancestors have the opportunity to accept the Gospel? Money given to leaders to live fancy lifestyles? No, maybe then money spent travelling the world? Sure, maybe that's what they're after. Only, when they travel, they don't vacation. They spend their time speaking to people, telling them to be self-sufficient, good citizens, be honest;  telling people all over the world to follow the Savior of the world. Be kind. Serve. Love. Makes you kind of wonder what the church leaders are after if it's not power or money. Maybe they really do believe what they teach. But what if, even then, God is just made up and we really don't know anything? I went through my afternoon feeling more and more empty by the minute. I went outside to be with my husband to feel a little better. He was busy though, so I came in. Well what's the point of anything then? What's the point of a husband, a family, this life? It's so, empty and meaningless. I have no purpose. We're all just accidents. My, how quickly I can change from feeling I know God to there isn't one. But in the back of my mind and heart, I feel something. Something connecting me to a higher power, to my Heavenly Father. Tired of feeling unhappy, I turn on some Christian music. That usually makes me feel good. This song came on. No One Ever Cared for me Like Jesus, by Steffany Gretzinger. I'd never heard it before, but I knew this was for me, from my God!

The phrase "My joy was found" instantly brought tears to my eyes as I realized Jesus is the reason. He is the reason I am happy. There is nothing without him-not for me. "That all my treasure was in heaven and You were everything to me...Let it be known in You alone my joy was found." The spirit washed over me with a feeling of fire. Why I would ever think I needed something worldly to fill my soul and give me exceeding joy, I don't know. Perhaps it is just a natural thing to doubt your feelings. But tonight, I am filled. Filled with the spirit. Filled with love and joy and purpose as God answered my prayer. Thank you, Heavenly Father.

I dreamed a dream

 I had a dream last night. In my dreams, I am usually a good flier. I fly a lot in my dreams. I have, in a sense, mastered being able to fly on command. The only thing about flying is that if I start going too high, I lose faith in my ability and will start to fall. So, occasionally I will test the limits of this, but usually I stay within maybe 500 feet off the ground. So, in my dream, I was flying over the trees with ease just enjoying life with this carefree attitude, when I came across what looked like a wall of tree stumps stacked up. Seemed like a couple hundred feet tall. I became distracted and flew down towards the blockade. When I was near the wall of stumps, I started to wonder if I would be able to rise again over the wall and then fear set in and I started to doubt myself. As I continued losing hope and floating slowly towards the ground, I grabbed on to the stumps at the top of the wall. I wanted to make it over the wall and with doubt fogging my mind, I could no longer rely on my skills of flying. I had to try another way and the only way I saw was to grab on and pull myself over the wall. At this moment, I saw myself as I watched from above. I was struggling. I started to perspire and soon became drenched in my own sweat. But I did not lose sight of my goal. I was going to make it over that wall. It was at that moment  that I realized I needed those stumps to hold on to. Yes, they were a hurdle and it would be nice if they weren’t there to begin with, but at that moment, that was where I was and I wanted to stay high in the air, to be free again, so I had to use what I had available to me to make it over the mountain of stumps and be able to fly free again. I pondered in my dream what this meant in relation to trials and tribulations in my real life. When I realized I could use those stumps to make it to my end goal, it became easier for me to climb and eventually I did make it over where I could fly again. This dream has taught me a few things. 1)I could use, and perhaps, maybe even needed obstacles in my life to overcome to keep me spiritually high and close to the Savior. 2) It didn’t matter what I was capable of doing before, when I began to doubt with the truths I already knew and believed in, I needed something new. Something different, something more this time to help me to get higher and stay faithful. 3) That I desired to endure was the one thing that kept me holding on long enough before I could learn what I needed to help me make it over in the end.

I feel like I should give a talk now.😂🤣

Loving learning just because

Truth be told, I don’t know what I want to do with my life because I want to do too many things. I have discovered that I really enjoy seeing how things work. I enjoy building things because I take lots of boring things and creating something pleasing. This is why Dave thought I might like programming. I think I just need more visual stimulation during the process. I don’t know, maybe I didn’t give it enough time, but for now I am moving on to other possibilities. I have been wanting to learn massage therapy so I could know about muscles and where and what to do to help heal the body. After my surgery, I went to get lymphatic massages every week, so I was curious what exactly was happening with my lymphatic system during this recovery process. I started watching YouTube classes about it and found a channel that explains really well and I’m able to understand what is going on in my body. So, I decided I wanted to kinda start from the beginning and then continue learning about anatomy and physiology. So I’ve been watching classes on The Chemistry of Life. I thought I’d skip over the science of atoms and compounds and whatever else, but since our body uses chemistry for nearly everything going on, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to review my forgotten knowledge of these things. I finally understand for the first time what things do and mean that I just skipped over in high school because it was confusing. Anyway, she starts discussing enzymes and I started wondering what enzymes were in the stomach and liver, which is where everything gets metabolized. Next I’m looking up about ulcers and the medication that I was given and how exactly those things were helping to fix the ulcer. Anyway, I am totally amazed at how life works. I’m constantly thinking, “Oh, that must be why...” Lightbulbs! I don’t know if I will do anything related to that field, but for now it’s very enlightening!

Just some thoughts

It's been a while since I have written anything, but I have had a lot of thoughts about the lesson today in church. We discussed temptation and the teacher likened a scripture story in Alma to strengthening our weaknesses and temptations. So, the story was when the lamanites were going to take over the city of Ammonihah because they had destroyed it previously and it was an easy target. Moroni knew this would be their plan and so they had been fortifying the city, put an army there, and were prepared for when the lamanites would come. So, likewise, satan tries to go after our weaknesses over and over and over because that's an easy target for him. So the question we have now is how will we fortify our weaknesses? I guess since I'm still reading in Alma and was familiar with the story, it really enlightened me. How can I literally make myself stronger where I am weak? I know what I should do, sure...BUT, I realize now that this is difficult because I want to keep doing the same things I'm doing, even though they may not be the best for me. I'm not ready to say goodbye to some of my weaknesses.  I need to figure out how I can desire a fully righteous life. If I'm being honest,  I love the Lord and His gospel, but I guess the truth is I don't love Him enough or rather love Him perfectly. This saddens me, but at the same time the spirit is leading me through this so I can maybe in another life love Him perfectly. I know that I want to love the Lord with all my might, mind, and strength. So I am grateful for that hope. So now that I have narrowed down what I need to do to start this change of heart, the only thing I can start with is drawing closer the the Savior so he will draw closer to me. Maybe then will I be willing to "put off the natural man." I will do this by making my personal study of the scriptures a little more meaningful. I will actually study personally the come follow me instead of just leaving that for family study. Probably next, like when my kids are in school all day, I will be able to make my temple attendance more regular. So that's my plan...

So, I would say I have really grown to love plants. I love to experiment to see what happens. This way I actually get to know my plants. Seems cheesy, but it true. When I was a kid, in the bathroom where mom had that pathos plant growing, hanging in that twine planter thing, every time I saw a new leaf growing I was amazed...and I'd sing it happy birthday. 😀 The life applications I find from analogies I come up with are endless. Stemming from creation of life to just about anything, there's so many insights! The joy I feel when I have brought a nearly dead plant back to something that thrives is awesome. I cut a section of this plant that broke off. I put it in water by my sink for many months while roots grew and I finally planted it in soil so it can really take off. Every time I look at it, I smile. It's beautiful to me.