MSV lost the championship basketball game on Dec 19, 2007. Needless to say, i wasn't in much of a mood to celebrate.
"C'mon!" said WC, trying to ignore the fact that my team just got blownout on my birthday, we're taking you to Diddy Reese to celebrate."
Her grip tightened on my elbow. Fight or flight kicked in. I forgot about the game and remembered a text message i received by accident, i am sure, not 5 hours earlier.
Hey Torbin, it's wendy. We need to talk about the kidnapping! I'll be your point person at the bball game, and i want to coordinate. Call me when you can! Remember, keep him conscious!Wendy was planning on killing me. We weren't going to Diddy Reese at all. I was going to be mugged!
I bolted. Wendy screamed.
How my lengthy legs carried me! I circled the entire block with Wendy a healthy 14 paces behind, the whole way shouting how this is not how it was supposed to work! Realizing that she probably had put a lot of effort into this 'friendly' mugging, I stopped by her Mazdatron trucklein and waited for her to catch up so she could have her fun. I nodded to Jeff and Katie patiently waiting in her car across the street.
Instantly, my spidey-sense went off: 2 nylon masks, 1 roll of duct tape, 4 strong biceps, a lead pipe! I was instantly thrown to the ground, a bag thrown over my head and my legs duct taped at the calves. Quite the forceful brutes, throwing out a slew of profanities and tangling me in my own extremities with skilled ju-jitsu holds.
It only took a moment for the attackers to make their first mistake. "Torbin! Bind his ankles too, he can still run" shouted the attacker whose knee was pinning my head to the ground." I recognized that voice. The night before he was crying on my shoulder about a babe he couldn't get. Tyson. and Torbin. That's all i needed to know to start having fun.
After about 20 min of pinning, flipping and taping countered by floundering, contortioning and the loss of 300 leg hairs, the victory belonged to Torbin, Tyson and their new recruits, Jeff and Wendy.
Whilst in the trunk, i knew i had to escape. I mean, if not just for sport. So i dislocated my thumb, slipped my wrists out of the duct tape, broke the tape around my elbows and mouth and chest and then started searching for the emergency trunk lever. Before i did, the trunk opened and i was facing a strapling man with an oversized mustache. I slid form the trunk and the kidnappers squeeled off.
"Looks like you'll be needing a cab there Sonny," said the mustache who i thought looked an awful lot like my roommate Dan.
"27 gold coins will get ya home!" was muffled by his 'stache, "and you only have 27 minutes to get them to me."
I was already sore from being pummeled for 20 min and then jostled haphazardly while in the trunk, and my legs felt it as I climbed the stairs into Century City. I was half hoping that Jack Sparrow was waiting atop those steps with 27 pieces of Aztec treasure to immediately gift me.
NO such luck. There were only late night shoppers. I started to jog. Along came lil’ Norma and 50s model TJ. I screamed something about not having time to say hi, that I had to find a bunch of gold in the next 27 min. They looked frustrated and screamed, “But we have gold!”
After riding on the bike in the PUMA store and then posing as an Abercrombie model w/o a shirt on, I earned 4 pieces of gold and then took flight around the corner.
As I rounded the corner I saw a rather forlorn Vos in vertical stipes. He looked taller than usual. “Why so sad Voz? And do you have any gold?” He looked up and explained that a girl had stood him up and all he wanted some sweetheart’s phone number, upon, if received, he would donate a piece of gold. Lucky me, Maria just walked by and whispered 510.983.0543.
With 5 pieces of gold I was next beckoned to dance w/ the lovely Feliz Navidad atop a bench. We danced until someone gave us a dollar, the exact value of 1 gold coin! (Special thanks to Pink Berry for turning up the music).
Laurel gave me a sword that I’ll use to kill her with later, but only b/c she paid for it. Then I carried her and Brynn’s purses for more coinage.
Sold my shoes to M. Hammer, not expecting Biancaworld.com to try to give them back later. Faced-off vs. CommanderFun in an odds/evens flip-off that concentrated less on the coins in the air and more on swiping the handful of coins from his cupped hand to the floor.
(Can you see where the duct tape was on my leg?)
And Maxfield just gave me a coin b/c my bro helped him find his wife on the internet. I think.
By the time I snuck up on TravelingKat sitting w/ a sprained ankle on the cold stone floor, I had 10 coins and 14 minutes remaining. Kat had money, but would only give it up for a piggy back ride (no wheelchairs are released 5 min before closing).
Baron felt if I had make-up and lipstick on, it’d be easier to get into Victoria Secret to see what size bra I would wear, propose to some random lady that only said Yes after the 4th time b/c I told her the 30 people standing around watching were my Verizon Network and that somehow made sense to her. Kat still being on my back gave me the confidence i needed to persevere.
Kat fought off Office Ninja Stringer with that sword from Laurel and a little halitosis-full sonic breath from my voice changer megaphone. To thank Kat I left her there and rushed to Obscurity’s sorting hat, found another Gryffindor w/in seconds, but couldn’t find a single coin under the crocs in my non-existent Spanish. But I made up for it by proclaiming to all inhabitants of the mall that LOVE is like a glowing ball of lights, mostly thanks to the inspiration of the young boy next to me on that bench and his glowing toy.
Ohio Dave made me sing the Happy Bday song from primary before blowing out a department store’s candles and Blair Minimum played hot and cold with me before I got frustrated and held Lynsey at gunpoint.
A Sparkled-pants pirate screamed, I laid on the rails to chase her up the escalator, shot her 3 times, then swashbuckled her to the treasure before onlookers gave her the thumbs down and I lobbed off her head.
Then all 33 onlookers sang happy birthday to me, the big fish. I didn’t even know they knew!
Mega thanks e’eryone for making my day sweeter than any other.
Your individual creativity is something worth turning older for.
