Just Keep Swimming A wife trying to keep a positive outlook on male-factor infertility

My life will forever be filled with little reminders of just how close we came to having a family built with donor sperm, and just how much of a miracle this little Noodle is to us.  You may remember our miraculous retrieval counts of first no sperm, then eight, then twelve.  Twelve out of an average healthy count of 60 million.  The odds were definitely not in our favor, but we were blessed.  We would love our Noodle no matter how he came to us, but I can’t deny what a gift this biological connection is.

At my shower last week, my stepmom came up with lots of great games to play.  I think it was her fun games that were largely responsible for my small shower feeling intimate instead of empty, so I have much gratitude towards her for that!  One of the games really struck a chord, though.  Each person was given a chart with a picture of Bobby and I at the top, and a list of characteristics – eyes, nose, personality, etc.  The game was for me to pick which parent I hope Noodle will inherit each characteristic from, and for the guests to see how many of my choices they could predict.

I had a hard time getting started because I was acutely aware of how painful and awkward that game could have been had things turned out differently for us.  You see, when Bobby and I went in for our side-by-side retrievals, we agreed that we wouldn’t tell a single soul if we ended up using our backup donor sperm.  We decided that we wanted it to be Noodle’s decision of if and when to tell our family.  Since we would not have told anyone about the donor sperm, my stepmom would have unknowingly planned the absolute worst shower game of the century.  I would have had no way to even tell anybody why the game was upsetting.  I would have either had to lie through tears, or just simply ask not to play and not give an explanation.

After a few deep breaths, I said a prayer of thanks that I was able to play this simple shower game with honesty and love.  I put more checkmarks in the “Bobby” column than anything else, and said an extra prayer for “eyes.”  I felt humbled before the magnitude of how much it means to be able to make those little checkmarks.  I’m glad for these reminders that seem to pop up when I least expect them.  I never want to forget how lucky we are.

So even though the shower was really small, it turned out to be beautiful and sweet.  My stepmom did an amazing job hosting some games and providing snacks, and the house looked so cute with her decorations.  Quite a few of the people who weren’t able to make it ended up mailing or dropping off gifts.  Some of the gifts were so thoughtful.  My Aunt sent a huge box full of such a wide assortment of clothes, books, and toys, and I had so much fun opening each little piece.  My grandmother crocheted a beautiful blanket for the baby in really unique colors that remind me of sherbert.  Another aunt bought us a Vera Bradley diaper bag – way more expensive and totally not what I would ever ask for, but very much appreciated.  And my parents bought us the badass stroller/car seat system that we wanted.  We also got a high chair, a baby monitor, a Moby wrap, and LOTS of toys and books!  It was a terrible weekend for people’s plans because of the holiday, but a lot of my friends and family still made a point to show us (and Noodle) how much they love and support us.  And that’s what a baby shower is really all about!  So all in all, I’d say it was a success.  I feel a little silly for having been so disappointed before hand!

An unexpected benefit of the day was connecting with a friend that I didn’t know what having trouble conceiving.  I have been long-time friends with this girl since high school but haven’t kept in touch with her recently.  She turned out to be the only one of the people my age who accepted an invitation, so it was a bit of an awkward situation at first – a room full of aunts, grandmas, and one friend that I literally haven’t seen in three years.  But as we got to talking, she mentioned having seen on Facebook that Bobby and I had used IVF to conceive.  She wanted to come to my shower because it felt positive for her, since they’d been struggling, to see the success of somebody else who had already been through it.  It turns out that the medications she’s taking for her epilepsy are causing some major hurdles in their family planning, as they have to change her meds around so they are safer for the baby but still control her condition before she can get pregnant.  I’m going to try to keep in touch with her more often if she wants support.  I’ll definitely recommend blogging as a way of coping! 🙂

But you know me, there is always a storm cloud on my horizon, no matter how sunshiney the day has been.  We went to see Bobby’s mother on Friday night, since it was the only night she wasn’t working this weekend.  I’m still not over the fact that she wouldn’t take the day off to come to the shower.  So we get there and she hands me a gift bag, since she won’t be able to give it to me at the shower.  It’s a white paper bag that she has decorated herself, which was a sweet gesture.  (Of course the white bag is completely stained yellow with nicotine, though.)  I open the bag, and inside is my shower gift: a pacifier, and a tube of breast cream.  She had also included an antique baby spoon that she had mentioned giving us before – it had been her grandmother’s.  The spoon is disgustingly tarnished and black.

I hope you aren’t thinking, “gee Dory, a gift isn’t about the price tag.”  Please understand… I would never, ever look down on an inexpensive gift that was given with thought and love.  I know my mother in law doesn’t have a lot of money, and she is going through chemo treatments every other week.  But a pacifier and a tube of breast cream?  She might as well have gone to CVS and just thrown a few things in a bag.  This is her grandchild for crying out loud, possibly the only one she’ll ever have!  If you’ve only got $10 to spare, buy a book or a toy that was special to you when Bobby was growing up.  Frame a poem that you hope will inspire the baby when he gets older.  If getting around is the issue, she even works at a place where she gets discounts on awesome stuffed animals that would go great with our nursery theme.  Or at least take the time to clean the antique spoon you included with the gift!!!

I don’t think she honestly meant to snub me with her poor choice of gifts, or her declined invitation to the shower.  I think Bobby’s mom is just socially awkward and has some mental instabilities that prevent her from realizing certain situations.  I have to get better at anticipating this and not letting it hurt my feelings.

Because of travel logistics, I decided to have two baby showers.  One would be here where I live for my friends and coworkers in town, and the other would be back home at my parents house, for family and high school friends.  My family and friends baby shower is this weekend, and it’s turning out to be a bust.  My stepsister originally offered to plan it, and she chose President’s Day weekend because she lives 15hrs away and would have to drive down in order to participate.  She sent out invitations kind of late, and now with two days left until the event, things have kind of just fallen apart.  Out of over 30 invitations sent out, only 9 people are coming to the shower.  Everybody had some other valid excuse, like family in town or a prior commitment.

My stepsister herself isn’t even coming anymore – she’s leaving it to my stepmom to host the actual shower.  Turns out all those snow days earlier this year made her school revoke their President’s Day holiday, and she can’t afford to take another day off.

My mother in law isn’t even coming.  When she first RSVP’d, she said she was having chemo treatment the day before and wouldn’t feel well enough to attend.  I was totally ok with this.  But then Bobby talked to her last night, and it turns out that her chemo is over today, and the REAL reason she can’t come is because she wanted to work on Saturday instead so that she could build up more time off to help manage her treatments.  While I do understand needing to build up her sick leave, I feel like somebody with terminal cancer would choose to be at the baby shower of the only grandchild she will likely ever meet rather than going to work.

So the total guest list is – me, my stepmom, two grandmothers, three aunts, and two girlfriends.  I feel like I’m back in high school again and nobody wanted to come to my birthday party.

But especially after all that Bobby and I went through to conceive this baby, I think I had really imagined my baby shower to be a big celebration of this amazing miracle that we’ve been gifted with.  I feel sad that the rest of my friends and family don’t think this is as big of an occasion as I do.  I feel overlooked, and I feel embarrassed that I expected to be more important to people than I guess I actually was.  Then I feel selfish for feeling that way, which makes me feel more embarrassed for being self-centered.

I just want to cancel the whole thing, crawl in a hole, and hide.

I’m trying to be better about posting regular updates, and since Bobby is out picking up a pizza right now, this seems like a good time to drop a few lines.  So here’s what you’ve missed in the last few weeks.

The house buying process has truly been almost as terrifying as infertility treatments, minus the needles.  The decisions are so huge, with such life-time repercussions, and there are so many hurdles to pass.  But we’re clearing them all one by one – the termite inspection was clear, the home inspection revealed that the dishwasher is broken (but my daddy thinks he can fix it, yay dads!), and the geo-techs were called out to check a few settlement cracks which they determined were cosmetic.  The mortgage is approved and we are just waiting on the home appraisal.  So barring any catastrophes, we should be closing in about three weeks!  Hmm, I guess that means we should start packing???

I’ve made it this far with only one major breakdown to date.  We got hit with two major unforeseen expenses that sent me into a tailspin – we had just paid off the OB’s office when we found out that the hospital charges us separately for the delivery – another $1,500.  Then we found out that to buy out our apartment lease, we have to pay a charge of  two months rent – another $1,600.  Not really sure where that money’s going to come from, as it’s not in my carefully planned and fraught over budget.  I definitely had a major panic attack the other day, bad to the point where Bobby had to put his forehead on mine and breathe loudly and slowly so that I could match my breath to his and calm down.  Remember a few posts back when I wrote about not worrying so much? Yeah, that will so never happen.

I heard a good quote the other day though.  I think it was on Grey’s Anatomy.  Being afraid means that you have something worth living for.  When I start to worry, I’m trying to bring a sense of thankfullness into my heart at the same time, that I have so many things in my life worth worrying about.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Noodle’s doing well – getting bigger and stronger every day.  I went through four shirts today before I finally found one that would fit over my ever expanding belly.  His favorite place to kick is to the right of my belly button, although the other morning he seemed to be having a lot of fun discovering my rectum.  Yeah. That felt WEIRD.  It never occurred to me that I would feel kicks in 360, but apparently it’s possible.  The best part is that I’m truly starting to fall in love with him.  I love thinking about him and calling him “my son” in my head.  I won’t bore you with the sappy stuff.

A confession to make – remember my friend at work that I wrote about a long time ago, the one whose husband has 30% reduced mobility and kept updating me on the entire status of her cycles as though her “struggles” were as deep and desperate as mine?  Well… open mouth, insert foot.  It’s been six or seven months now since she and her husband started trying to conceive, and they have officially scheduled that first scary “what’s wrong” appointment for a few weeks from now.  I feel like kind of a bitch, because I was definitely still approaching things from the viewpoint of an infertile couple mad at the rest of the world for whom it seems having kids is so damn easy.  Surely she would be just like everybody else and pop ’em out, no problemo.  I definitely am ready now to be more sensitive and supportive towards her.  Any advice from those of you who have had a friend suddenly join you in the land of IF?

Pizza’s here… peace out!