Just Keep Swimming A wife trying to keep a positive outlook on male-factor infertility

I’m a 26-year old middle school Reading teacher.  My husband (who I’m calling Bobby on this blog) and I were high school sweethearts.  We started dating my senior year, were married in 2006, and thought we had it all figured out.  After a little less than a year of trying to become pregnant, we learned that we are unable to have children naturally. So far, all my test results show that I am 100% healthy and normal.  Bobby, on the other hand, has been diagnosed with azoospermia.

When she gave us the news about Bobby’s no-sperm count (as opposed to low-sperm count), she immediately said, “Now, don’t jump online and start Googling “azoospermia.”  So what do you think I did? Exactly that!  During the several weeks of waiting for more test results to come in, I put Google through its paces.  Eventually, I stumbled on a site called “Stirrup-Queens” and realized that there is an entire community of bloggers sharing their own infertility stories.  I decided to start my own for a number of reasons:

1. Bobby is embarrassed about his diagnosis and has asked me not to discuss these issues with our family and friends.  Therefore, I need a place to share my experiences and receive support.
2. He’s also really broken up about the whole situation, and I’ve found that my own grief is only making his worse.  I need a place to share my real feelings about this situation without hurting him.
3. I want to be part of a community.  Our diagnosis has left me feeling incredibly alone and I find myself desperately wanting to reach out to someone who actually understands, not a friend who pats me on the shoulder with one hand while she rocks her own baby with another.
4. I want to chronicle this journey.  My own mother had problems conceiving me, and knowing how much she went through in order to get pregnant has always made me feel kind of special.  I want to give that same feeling to my children.
5. Last but not least, when I do eventually have a baby, this blog will be a great reminder of how badly I wanted him/her during the times that I am desperately frustrated or angry at him/her. (That one’s a joke, folks.)  (Ok, maybe a little piece of truth in there somewhere).

I chose the title of this blog (Just Keep Swimming) and my blog name (DeterminedDory) because, first of all, I wish I could tell Bobby’s swimmers to… just keep swimming!  But also, it’s what I’m telling myself.  Even though I’m only a month into this journey, I can already tell it’s going to be a long and probably painful road.  But I have to just keep swimming through it all until I eventually find what I’m looking for.  Taking on Dory’s name acknowledges the fact that I once was effervescent and optimistic about pregnancy, just like Dory is about all of life.  I wish that I could go back to that naivety and forget all that we are going through.  But, I’m determined to go on with the most positive outlook I can muster.

So here it begins, the story of Bobby’s ...our infertility.