Our birthday month :)

Happy birthday Bry. You would be 27 today! I'll be honest it isn't very joyous this year for our birthday's. I wasn't excited at all for my birthday. It was kind of nice actually, Chris worked nights on the boat and mom and dad were out of town, so I didn't have to worry about doing anything. Then this Sunday, Chris threw me a surprise get together. I'll be honest, I wasn't very excited. I cried actually. I tried my best to put on a smile and accept how sweet it was of him to do that and try to make me happy, but it hurt or more like, stung. The kind of sting that doesn't subside very easily. I tried my best to keep my composure and put on the happy face like I always do but inside it hurts. 

Today I went and visited your mom at work, she's having a rough time. Your sister, is having a very hard time, your dad, well, let's just say he has a piece missing in his heart too. There are so many things I wish I could say, but just like your mom says you can't live with yesterday it's not going to help. She's right. She has this strength about her. YOU have given it to her, believe it or not. She told me today she wanted to go speak with kids that are going through what you did. Share with them about you and how you were bright, talented with your hands, had the world at your finger tips, a great job but thrill seeking was what took you over, well consumed you. She wants to share your story with others and use it for good. God is working. 

It's getting better. Everyday is a little less and more positive. Positive in the fact that your death was for Christ's inner workings. I'm just having a hard time choking down the reality of you right now lying in an urn. That I can't see you. I remember that last time I saw you, you were not Bryan. You were someone else, trying to mask Bryan. I am so thankful for the time you spent with Nicole, how much you were able to talk with her. I prayed you read some of those books she gave you. I think of the time you came in and we made you a giant sandwich, I prayed it would nourish your body but most of all God would intervene. It's funny how sometimes our prayers aren't answered in the fashion we wish them too. I pray I will see you again some day. I miss you more than words can say. It stings. I will make an effort to work the courage up to talk with your dad and not cry. I love you Bry, happy birthday. 

Love, 

Weesie

Bry

Another one, yes. Tuesday was your service. The church was packed, standing room only. Your mother, wow, she has strength. She wrote your eulogy and said it without skipping a beat. She spoke of your wonderful and talented qualities you possess and then spoke of what took you away from us. Her testimony was powerful, everyone was listening. People she didn't even know came up to her at the reception crying, telling her thank you for saying what she said. Bryan, it hurts that you are gone, but God has a purpose and is already starting to use your death for GOOD! All things work together for His good and purpose. Bry, I am so sorry for the pain you felt. Chris spoke too, he apologizes for not reaching out when he could have and gave very comforting words to your parents. I love you very much. Bryan your death was not meaningless, I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. You have already touched so many people just in the last few days, and you don't even know it.
Looking at all those pictures of you when we were kids, you were the cutest kid. Aunt Kathi brought that letter you wrote Mille and the pot holders you made her! Bryan, you were such a caring person, very thoughtful, when you wanted to be :) Remember giving your mom tons of grief in Sunday School and eating glue behind Auntie Pat's back! lol Oh Bry Bry..... It hurts, it hurts bad. I dream t last night that all of this was a big nightmare, everything about the dream seemed real, very real. I woke up and felt ill. Jesus is definitely working through me, and helping deal with all the grief that has been flooding my thoughts and dreams. I was told yesterday that you are already in an urn, I cried. Knowing that you are no longer in a human form, seems so surreal. It's silly I know, but it's almost like if you were still, you know 'Bryan' then maybe you would wake up!? I know it's silly, but a wish. I'm not sure when we'll have the family graveside to bury you with your relatives. We haven't asked, we don't want to make your parents feel like they need to make any decisions too quick. You mom went back to work today, I think because she had to. Sony Park needs to jump off a cliff. I know you didn't like him either. Your dad and mine went and did errands today, and visited your mom. Dad said she looked overwhelmed and had red eyes. If at all in some way could you comfort them? Or have God give them some form of comfort relief to ease their pain. I'll pray for that tonight. I love you Bryan. Good night.
Love,
Weesie

Bry Bry

This is Bryan Scott Edwards. In this picture he's just about to get on Space Mountain in Disney World. This is the first vacation he had ever been his entire life, he was 17 at the time. He committed suicide this week at 26. Bryan is my cousin. We are almost exactly 1 year apart in age. He spent a lot of time with my family, he stayed with us a few times and during the time when this picture was taken he was actually living with us. I love him dearly. He had a very big heart, but was too afraid to show it most of the time. I miss him...very much.

Tonight I washed the clothes he was wearing the day it happened. I lost it, there were still 2 bullets in his pocket. Bry, why did you do this? Why are you gone? Why? We were all here, waiting for you to ask, for HELP!? We tried, but you refused, so we didn't push. You were such a caring person, helpful ALWAYS, even as a little boy. Lindle is just LIKE you! It's been so nice to be around him and see how much you two mirror each other. It kind of brings me comfort. We were looking at pictures tonight for your service, reminiscing about them. You had a good laugh, especially when we could get you going! It always seemed like you were on the verge of peeing your pants! I miss your dorkiness, that I'm sure a lot of your friends didn't know existed :) Do you remember rockin' out to mom's CD's and the song "Whip it"..you made me listen to that song OVER and OVER. You had some silly dance to go with it. Oh, and making fun of grandpa's high water pants! lol Wow we were stinks! Bry, I know you've been 'away' for a few years, but you've still been on everyone's mind. I don't want to say goodbye to you. I can't say goodbye, your too young. 

I miss you,

Weesie

2012

I haven't written in a long time. Well there is a reason behind it. Much has happened. We have two additions to our family. Evelyn Colleen was born November 25,2011. She weighed 8lbs 8oz and 20 1/4 inches long. We also, just a few weeks ago found out we have a son. His name is Forrest, hopefully we'll be changing that here soon. He doesn't like his name, mainly because he was named after his alleged father, long story, sad story. He was born November 17, 2000. Yeah, I have new born baby and also find out I have an 11 year old son. Trust me, I'm over whelmed. But you know God is in control, He's already walked my life, He knows what I can handle and can't handle. Although I feel as if my walls are caving in and the room is getting smaller by the minute. God always rescues me when I call His name. ALWAYS! I just need to reach out and ask, and ask and ask, and ask. I don't have any pictures of Forrest but here are some of Evie Bug :)

Talking to Uncle Henny at Christmas time. Only a month old

Taking a bath at grandma's. 1 month

Watching momma bake Christmas goodies at Grandma's. 1 month

3 month pictures that aunty sissy took :)


She's my serious girl :)

I know that blurb was very short but to the point. I guess you can say there's been a lot going on in the Bigelow house hold, but God knows best. This whole situation with our son is definitely stretching our limits. The only thing that has kept me from depression right now is Jesus Christ and my daughter. I know that sounds so odd to say, because I am not one to 'get depressed'. But this has been a spiritual battle. Really it has. Chris has had to face his past. This time when this boy was conceived was the WORST time in Chris's life. And now he has to not only face it but put it to bed. Which has been a very good thing but also the hardest. It's amazing how God works. He answers your prayers in the oddest ways. But all things work together for good. If we TRUST. That is one thing I have been struggling with. TRUST. God I TRUST YOU. The devotion 'Jesus calling', which I highly recommend, has been such a blessing. It talks about trusting and coming into Jesus's presence. Keeping our FOCUS ON HIM and not our problems. But laying at His feet and walking away.

20 Week Ultrasound/ Furniture Project

Our 20 week Ultrasound appointment was the 30th of June, I know I'm a little late but here is 1 of 3 pictures I was able to have!







The baby is stretching it's toes in the air. :)


The doctor's appointment went really well. As soon as the tech put the reciever on my belly, the baby was active as ever. He had hiccups, you could see the little belly moving alot! It was cute :) (I'm not saying 'he' because we know the sex, I just don't like saying 'it'). Then she stretched her legs, yawned, sucked fluid, put his thumb up to his mouth. It was wonderful. I have know idea how anyone could not believe in Christ after seeing that! What a miracle. We watched the 4 heart ventricals working properly, pumping blood. Looked at the stomach, everything looked good. We saw all his bones, ribs, vertebrae's. It was truly amazing. What technology can do is just beyond me!! The tech said it's growing faster than the gestational age, so a week or more ahead, which either means a change in due date or I'm having a GOLIATH baby! Aahhh!! But as long as we're healthy and normal, I'm sure God has already taken care of that and know's what my body can and can't handle.

Just in the last 2 weeks or so, the movements of the baby have grown alot!! Even to waking me up in the middle of the night! Now, I'm only 22 weeks, which is almost 6 mo. It suprises me how much movement I feel this early.This child is definatly not behaving like me, it's a Chris baby! Mom's always told me I was the snuggly, quiet child in the womb. At one point they thought I was dead, because I NEVER MOVED! SO I have a pretty good feeling she's taking after her daddy :) WE're nervous and excited all at the same time, things are starting to be more real with baby movements and baby stuff starting to fill our home. Last month, mom, sissy and I drove to Hillsboro to pick up a baby crib/dresser, I had purchased off of craigslist. The couple that had it painted it, and did a CRAPPY job. Luckily, I have a very GIFTED sister who loves paint projects and right now we are antiqueing it, if that's the correct word.

This is similiar to the finish on the crib/ dresser after it is done.

My sister re-did some of her furniture and it turned out amazing. She has a knack for these things and is very talented, so she offered to do it. I'm going to do my best to help her, but knowing her and her perfection, she'll let me hold the tools! lol I'm really excited to see how it all turns out! It will be the most unique nurery furniture ever!

WE'll be sure to take pictures, before and after!!

Baby News

This was our first appointment and ultrasound picture :)

Today is 17 weeks and 5 days. It feels like yesterday when I took my two pregnancy tests and just about passed out! This baby will be such a blessing, not only to us but for us :) The more time passes, the more I do get excited. I can't remember if I announced it but Yes we are having a baby! November 19th. When Chris and I bought our house this last December, we decided we would try after a year of living in the new home. Well, I guess our plans are not God's, of course. Our other 'plan' was for Chris to be at least 30 and for me 25. I'll be 25 3 weeks after baby Big will be born. God has perfect timing in everything. November is a fabulous time for us to have a child, it's my down time (hopefully the shop will sell before) and his off season from mowing. So we'll have lots of family time. Summers and fall are always VERY busy around our home. God is so perfect in all things :)



Right now the coffee shop is for sale. It's bittersweet to me. We go through life thinking that our jobs/careers define our lives, yes in some ways they do, but not completely. I desire to have my children help define my life, not my career. But this Coffee shop has been such a blessing to me in so many ways. It's almost hard to let go. I pray the right person buys it and takes off with the shop. Have it be a blessing to them as it was for me. Lately, I have been having a hard time getting excited about the baby, only because of the coffee shop. It's a very big commitment to be a dedicated mommy, even bigger if you are running a business front full time!! I trust God's timing on this completely. We are to live by FAITH not sight.

New Home

WOW it's been along time since I blogged :( Well much has happend. Since August of 2009 we had been on a serious hunt to buy a house, we found one, put an offer on it (short sale). It failed to be accepted by the bank. We attempted again in Feb 2010, failed again. They told us, 'buy it on the courthouse steps', blah blah, blah blah. Well, we never gave up, November 1, 2010 it was sold back to the bank in forclosure, our anniversary!! Well there was alot of stress between then and December 28th (the day we closed). But that is history, we are now settled in our lovely home. Hopefully before summer we'll host an open house, but we have a lot of TLC to put into our home. It wasn't lived in for 2 1/2 years, gutters need cleaning, needs new paint, ect.

Nothing else is really new other than our home. Work is good, staying busy with that, Chris and life. :)