2016 was a tough year. Obviously not the hardest we've ever been thru but a hard year for sure. Lily although absolutely wanted and planned has been a very hard baby. My hardest by far. Erics job change although good for our family, was an adjustment on a few levels. Being in our home, was getting to be so negative for me I was having a hard time staying "mentally above the heartache." Isaac started Kinder, a hard yet awesome step in progression.
Surviving Atticus' journey has aged me. I have so many "cry" wrinkles and my mind is so... tired. It's tired and the fight is sometimes hardly there at all. I find myself getting so tangled in my "self-talk" it's exhausting- "It's ok. He's ok. I'm ok." Over and over and over. The smallest things whether Atticus related or not get me trapped in a web of mental feelings of failure guilt and feeling inadequacy. And it sucks. Sometimes Im just too tired to fight. Id rather take 1/2 a Tylenol Pm and sleep for 12 hours.
Now, before anyone panics and calls the help line- I'm fine. I really am. Some days are super hard. And on those days I am so so soooo grateful for Zoloft. My amazing Husband. Family and friends.
I say all this to kind of explain why I dropped off the face of the earth. 2016 was hard for me and my being behind on the blog was and added "guilt/failure" so I had to let it got. I finally feel ready to update our families life and journey and again. I look at this blog as our families history and important for genealogy sake.
I really want to thank you all for the emails and comments asking if we are okay and that you "missed" us. It meant a lot to me. Seriously. I wish I could give you all a big fat hug.
So today's post starts with OUR MOVE...
Yep you read that right. We moved. It was quite the process and one I would not wish on anyone. Holy Stressful Situation. Trying to keep the house in "show" condition while having part child part maniac 5 years old a very rambunctious two year old and a fussy "want to be held every waking moment of every day" infant proved to be very challenging and dang near did me in. It's crappy up and down emotional roller coaster.
Eric and I had originally planned to move to Plano to cut down his commute time to his new job, and to get a fresh start (the house was really hard for me to be in). We told ourselves and our realtors that we would give it until July (we listed it in April 2016). If it didn't sell by then then we would stay, as it would give us enough time to fine a new house, get settled, meet friends so Isaac was more comfortable with starting Kindergarten.
We had one offer right away. A crap offer of course. Then after that it was up and down. So come July we took it off the market. I was devastated. I wanted out of the Fenwick house so bad it was killing me....
{Maybe had we lived there longer it would have been different. But we were only in the house 6 months before Atticus got sick and then it was such a traumatic fast journey and once he was sick, he left us 4.5 months later. And then the "sh*#t hit the fan (sorry parents for the language but it's the truth). Have Atticus gone was soooooo much harder. I can't even express how much harder it was. I couldn't walk down the hall without smelling death. I couldn't change laundry without picturing me screaming to "please stay" and "Noooo!"
Someone had asked me if I had any good memories there, of course I did. I had my two boys while in that house. I had a baby girl while in that house. But death trumps it all. And it was suffocating me.}....
So when July came and the house did NOT sell, I was so emotionally disheartened angry frustrated and deflated.
Then I can't remember if it was the day we took it off the market or a few days later. Our realtor contacted us saying that a couple that was one of the first ones to look at our house whom loved it but weren't ready to make an offer, when back to their realtor ready to make a move on it and saw this it was off the market and were hoping they could convince us to sell it to them.
Say whaaaat?!?!?
So we went back and forth a couple time and decided to sell. Big huge like HUGE happy dance from me. I was getting out!!!!!
{I know I complain a lot, or I at lease complain in my head, that Heavenly Father doesn't help as much as I think He should. Or wonder why life has to be so hard. But here's a little proof that HE DOES and HE DID and for me to quit being so dang impatient and easy to turn my back on Him...
I don't know if I ever posted about it but two summers ago, in 2015, Isaac out of the blue started having MAJOR and I mean MAJOR anxiety. I'd be in the kitchen or laundry room and he'd be within eye sight of me but would still ask me repeatedly, "Mom? Where are you?" I was constantly having to reassure him that I was still here and would't go anywhere without telling him." If I went upstairs to get Isabel and he didn't follow me he would FLIP OUT like face splotchy from crying to hard so quick. I couldn't use the bathroom without him sitting outside the door repeatedly knocking asking if I was okay and If I was still in there. I couldn't shower without him totally panicking.
He was so afraid that I was going to get cancer and die and not come back or that the same would happen to him. SO his way of controlling his fear was to control where I was and if he was right by me every second of every day then he didn't have to worry about it.
I peaked at him throwing a lamp at the bathroom door breaking it and putting three wholes in the door with a shattered light bulb all over, because he couldn't get to me.
We started seeing a therapist as soon as he started showing these behaviors and after a very long and emotionally taxing 6 months he was making some progress. So he finished the 2016 pre school year doing great.
But August 2016, it came back. Long story short we decided that although commuting to work would totally suck for Eric, we needed to stay in Sunnyvale. We have amazing friends. An amazing ward. And an amazing school system. All of which Isaac needed. And we weren't too sad about it :)}
SO... we sold the house and decided to stay in Sunnyvale.
..BEFORE..
Very dark very outdated but I was IN love with it. I don't think you'll ever find a happier girl about buying a fixer upper.
This picture was taken after we had taken out 8, EIGHT sick and overgrown trees.
Wallpaper, yellow paint, boxed light...
Lance, was one of our superhero and helped us more than we could have imagined.
He took that "box" thing down so we could add lights!
Original 1976 fuzzy green wallpaper and door, that didn't quite open all the way.
Dark with original striped fuzzy wallpaper.
Paneling here. Paneling there. Paneling. Paneling, everywhere. Every-Where.
Sheetrock had to be replaced behind the washer and dryer.
Yep... that's popcorn ceiling. In each and every square inch of the house! And yep, we removed it all ourselves. At one point we were all covered in white and I had a walmart grocery sack on my head to attempt some dignity. Or something like that!
As mentioned, there was wood paneling EVERYWHERE. And in the picture below, there were NO lights. None. Not a single one. So with all the dark wood and no lighting, we bought a bat cave.
More original fuzzy wallpaper.
What's that medicine called that's to sooth your stomach? Milox? I know it's something like that, well the master was two shades of it.
Do you see the potential.... I sure did. And I was SUPER excited.
..AFTER..
It was so so stressful but so worth it. At least according to me. Eric's still on the fence.
Im in love with our front door. It took 6 weeks to be ordered built and installed, but SO worth it.
Thanks again to my Father-in-law, I have my Shiplap wall, and I love it.
Textured walls are not only big in Texas but the only thing they do in Texas and I despise it. So we had all the walls sanded, mudded, sanded, mudded, and got our Utah smooth walls. And guess what? I love them!
Maybe one of my favorite rooms. The chandelier was the only light fixture we kept and... I love it!
We had some paneling tore down, and some painted "Westhighland White" from Sherwin Williams.
I love the beams. Eventually, we will encase them with rustic dark wood to match the floors.
Oh and we added a grand total of 21 canned lights, 2 pendant lights and 5 new vanity lights. Between the added light and fresh white paint, it made it a whole new space.
Mr. Isaacs room! He was so funny. He hated that the entire house was hardwood floors and really wanted carpet but we had the floors redone and couldn't lay rugs down for 6 weeks. So after we hit 6 weeks, I surprised him with a rug and when he got home from school it did snow angels on it!!! Such a goof ball!
The kids jack-and-jill bathroom
Isabel's (and eventually Lily too) room. I LOVE the paint color. It's "Sea Salt" from Sherwin Williams. I did the same color in the laundry room.
Our room- I don't love the color I pick :( but anything was better then the two toned Milox.
We got a rug for our room too.
The guest bathroom- wallpaper and half paneling taken down. Walls made smooth and painted "Agreeable Grey" with new lighting.
The "taken over by wood" family room, brightened up but white paint! It is such a happy space.
New windows, front door, and lights.
I love this house. I really do. We went from New to Old. 3,500 sq ft. to 3,000 sq ft. but I love it. I love how it feels. I love our big trees. I love our big yard (even though it needs a lot of work). I love that it's one floor. I love that it doesn't hold such terrible memories.
So lessons we have learned--
1. Don't remodel while living in it (At one point Lily had sheetrock in her mouth and had crawled in to paint). We had to move out three times for the hardwood floors (the belt on there sander was unbalanced and it messed it up not once but twice. It was awful. Isabel was screaming at the movers the last time to stop taking her bed away. Isaac's classmates prayed that Isaac would have a room to sleep in- I kid you not, It was such a mess). We were all sleeping in one room with no blinds. One working shower.... So... try to have another place to stay :)
2. It takes WWWWAAAAAAAAAYYY longer than you think it will.
3. It costs more money than you think it will.
4. BUT.... if you love it it becomes yours and you love it any more.
