We've had a doozy of a few weeks and I wanted to record it somewhere. I forget
things I don't write down and I've forgotten so many things since I stopped
blogging.
We drove to California for a Foley family reunion on the 4th of July.
We drove home the next Sunday and Monday. We got home on Monday afternoon at
3:45 pm. Dave had to be at football practice by 4 so he left immediately while
we unloaded the car and unpacked. Finn had a baseball game at 8:00 pm.
Tuesday
Dave had to wake up at 6 am to make sure he was able to unlock everything for
the football kiddie camp the boosters were holding that week. I went to work at
9 am and came home to nine EXTRA kids at our home (in addition to our 5). The repair guy came to fix my washing machine (it's been leaking). My Whitney broke her foot while we were in California so I wanted to bring her
dinner. Also Lexis had pooped multiple times in our hallway while we were gone
so I had to borrow a carpet cleaner and clean that up. Finn had another baseball
game at 7. Dave had football and then Bishopric meeting so we didn't see him
that night.
Wednesday Dave was up at 6 again for football. I went to work at 10,
took lunch to Dave, came home to continue cleaning carpets (why do we have a dog again??), went to the church for Young Women's at 7,
came home to a sick dog.
Thursday Dave woke up at 6 again, I started
getting ready for work, did the dishes, and the dog threw up again. I was
cleaning the carpets again when Zoe came running in to tell me something was
wrong with Isaac and she could hear him screaming in the backyard. I had just
seen him walk outside and apologized to him if the carpet cleaner woke him up.
He responded in a calm voice that it hadn't and kept walking outside, so I was confused about how he could be freaking out so soon after I had seen him. I turned
off the carpet cleaner and went outside to him having a massive emotional
meltdown. He was bleeding and sobbing and shaking. I hugged him tight and just
let him cry. When he was able to talk I asked him what happened and he just
unloaded a lot of emotions and grief and heartache and loneliness. It was
heartbreaking. He told me he was having suicidal thoughts again and couldn't
stop picturing ways to kill himself. He had had experiences like this before and
we contacted his therapist but never actually did anything but I knew this time
had to be different. I decided to take him to the Emergency Room. While we were
there he was much more calm and I kept questioning if I had made the right
choice. Once we got to triage the nurse was so nice and helpful and immediately
put him in a room--one we hadn't been in before. Literally just a bed and
nothing else. I thought they must be remodeling or something but later realized
this is the room they put suicidal people in so there isn't anything they can
use to hurt themselves. They had a nurse stationed outside the window watching
all the time and we weren't allowed to shut the door. The doctor came in
immediately and suggested he try an infusion of Ketamine. I only know of
Ketamine as Special K and had never heard of it used as a mental health drug
before but the doctor said they've had great results with people who are
resistant to depression medication. Since Isaac is 18 he had to sign his own
consent form and he HATES medication in all forms so I didn't think he would
agree. After some online research and a few questions he agreed. The nurse gave
him an IV which he really hated and drew blood for labs. They put him in a gown
and had him make a music playlist since Special K can cause nightmares and
hallucinations. Using calm music can help guide the experience to be positive.
He didn't have his headphones but luckily my airpods were in my purse. They did
an EKG and had him hooked up to lots of monitors. They started the infusion and
turned off the lights and shut the door (with me in there and the nurse watching
through the window). His heart rate was really high, 120-140 most of the time.
About halfway in to the 45 minute infusion his heart rate went down really low
and lights started flashing. Then Isaac took a deep breath and it went back up.
Later he told me that he was spiraling in his mind about having an IV and
medication in his veins but he was able for the first time in his life to talk
himself out of a panic attack. He felt the "K-hole" experience where he felt
like he was sinking and the ceiling was shrinking. Towards the end of the
infusion he started talking. He said a lot of things, but mostly that his
thinking had changed and he wished the whole world could just feel love. He told
me he loved me and that even though we don't believe the same things that
shouldn't matter even though it makes him mad and sad sometimes. He belted out
an Imagine Dragons song at full volume which was hilarious. He was seriously
high. But he was my sweet Isaac again. It completely broke me that he has to be
on drugs to get out of his depression and be his sweet self. The doctor said we
could admit him for a psychiatric hold but the nearest available bed was in Las
Cruces, 7ish hours away from Gallup. Isaac said he'd rather go home and so they
released him back to me. He was much happier and better for a few days but it
seems now to have worn off. While I was at the hospital Dave was able to go home
and be with the kids who were freaking out a little. I got home from the
hospital at 4:40 and Dave went to football. I made dinner. I was supposed go to
a GNO with some girlfriends to watch the new Bachelorette but I canceled, I felt
like we just kind of needed to chill at home.
Monday night Finn had a massive
toothache and we didn't sleep much; I finally gave him some Benadryl and Dave
took him on a drive to chill him out. He got home at 2 am. Tuesday morning I
took him to the dentist for a root canal (poor baby). I never made it in to work that day. Dave had the night off of Bishopric because Young Men's camp is this week so we had a chill night at home. I hadn't been feeling well Monday and Tuesday but couldn't place exactly what was wrong, just exhausted and kind of achey. I helped Isaac apply for a job in Utah so we can make more definitive plans for his move.
Wednesday morning I woke up really feeling bad. I went to work and while there realized I had a UTI. I called to make a doctor appointment and left work at 10:45. I got some antibiotics and went home to clean out the van and get Noah and Dave ready for camp. Isaac had an ER followup visit with a new doctor at 2. I took him there then we picked up my prescription. By then I was really really sick. I could feel major pain in both kidneys, had a fever, and just felt all around awful. I took a nap and ordered pizza for dinner. Dave texted to let me know our van barely made it to the camp, we probably need a new fuel pump but have been procrastinating because, well, when would we do it and how would we pay for it?? He had 6 young men with him and it wouldn't go above 2 RPMs after about 2 hours of driving. I had to go to Young Womens that night, our YW president is out of town and I wasn't sure who else was in town. I started the activity but after a few minutes I was too sick and had to go lay on the couch for the rest of the night.
I slept terribly and woke up feeling completely awful. I decided I couldn't make it to work. I took a morning nap, drove Finn to a friend's house, and went back to sleep. I was supposed to pick him up at 4. Jonas came in at some point asking when I was going to make dinner--it was 5:15. D'oh!!! I raced to pick up Finn and my Walmart order and made hotdogs for dinner. I slept terribly again but woke up feeling much better this morning... Thank heavens for antibiotics. My right kidney still hurts pretty bad but that's not really new. Dave and Noah get home from camp tomorrow and hopefully life will go a little back to normal. Everything just feels a bit overwhelming at the moment. But we're all alive. Pretty much the best I can say. Ha!
