Going Green

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I would make a very good European because I would be as happy as a clam if I could walk, run or bike to every destination I needed. I would love it if I NEVER had to drive a car. Well, I am not European and the Valley is a very large, metropolitan so I do the best I can. It is not uncommon at all to see me running, stroller and all, to the bank, the grocery store, the post office, even Target. I love to run and this is like killing two birds with one stone for me.

Today I bundled up Emerson and Kanyon (it is in the 50's here and we think that's arctic!) and headed to Target. It's about 3 miles one way so a perfect 6 mile round trip run and errand outing, with one less child to boot. My plan was to pick up a prescription and 2 little items. Hah!!!! If you are like me, you go into Target with only a couple of things on your list and come out with four bags full of stuff you "had to have." That happened this morning, but my items happened to be big things. When I got to the check out, the gal said "did you get a little more than you can carry?" "Not to worry," I responded. "I will make it work," and make it work I did.

As you can see I loaded up all of my belongings and ran right home. Sure, I got some very odd stares and a few chuckles from people driving by, but I didn't mind. I had completed my errand, I was running home and loving the fresh air. As you can see though, I did have to bribe Emerson with her bag of $1 popcorn so she would agree to her mom's crazy antics.

As you can see, the bottom of my stroller was completely stuffed full of stuff. It was like a tetras fitting it all under there. I even had a few things in the little zipper pockets in the back of the stroller!

As you can see by our sweet Kanyon's face, he was not bothered at all with the extra baggage. He was warm and snug and that's all that matters. I really do love my morning stroller outings, they will be lasting memories for me.

Growing Up Too Fast

Has it really been almost a month since I last posted?!?

You can all call me a big time slacker, but I have had such good intentions. Boy does having a baby right before the holiday season add a completely new dimension to an already hectic schedule. I guess it doesn't help that I had a birthday party at the house for Ainsley's 5th the week before Thanksgiving, I offered to host Thanksgiving, and now I am preparing to host our church's annual cookie exchange on Tuesday. The bright side to this is that we have "decked the halls" and our house is so festive. Also, I really have to give credit where it is due. My fabulous husband is the number one decorator in our house and he goes ALL OUT. To give you an idea, we rent a storage unit for all of our holiday decor. Marcus has worked tirelessly to get the house ready and he even changed the tree this year. We have our "formal" tree in the living (reverent) room, which he is doing in earth tone blue and silver with tons of ribbon, bulbs and black picture frames hung as ornaments full of our family memories. I boast to everyone that he is the decorator and I am merely the clean up crew and I don't mind at all!

As for Kanyon, he is growing like a weed. He is still such a fabulous little baby and we feel so blessed every day. In fact, as crazy as it sounds we sometimes wonder if it can really be true that things are so "normal" right now in our lives. The most difficult thing right now is that I am so ready for a full nights sleep. However, when I wake up to feed him I fall more in love and I just think about how I missed waking up for Eden. We seem to miss her more than ever right now and the girls talk about her all the time. It's difficult, bottom line and she still occupies my thoughts every day. This time of year is rough because she is missing from everything we do, all the pictures, parties, memories. We have been bless though with a very healthy, happy baby and we are totally in love with him.

Enjoy the pictures, I will show off our tree very soon!

Emerson can not get enough of her brother. She says being a big sister is so much better than being a little sister!

Kanyon at 4 weeks! He LOVES his bath, especially when I get him as deep in the very warm water as possible.

The birthday girl at her party. We had a balloon guy come and do a show for all the kids. He was a hit!

Like father like son! Is it just me or is he the spitting image of his daddy?

Ainsley woke up to roses and her favorite breakfast, Fruit Loops, on her 5th birthday.

The girls just can not get enough of their brother and he loves the attention.

The Birth Story

Getting home and getting settled and I finally found a few moments to update everyone.

As Marcus said, Kanyon Bryant was born on Thursday the 29th at 1:16 pm. Obviously, Marcus and I were both very anxious going into the c-section and just couldn't wait to hear that everything was fine with our little man. The moment they pulled Kanyon out he was crying and that was so reassuring. He had quite a bit of fluid in his lungs, but that can be common for c-section babies as they are not squeezed through the birth canal. He quickly resolved that problem and stayed by my side the entire time without needing the nursery or any other interventions. My surgery went as expected, but after returning to recovery I was still bleeding too much. I needed a few different medications and some extra time in recovery before they felt my bleeding was under control and no longer a problem. Poor Marcus, I could see the concern on his face thinking that my baby is perfect this time, but now it's a problem with my wife. We had to have a little drama I guess. I am feeling good now, 6 days later, and am savoring every moment with Kanyon AT HOME. The rest of our hospital stay was very uneventful and relaxing. Thank you to everyone that called, texted, and visited not just to meet Kanyon but to wish me a happy birthday. It truly was a sweet 35th birthday for me with my sweet little baby at my side.

Kanyon breast feeds very well and loves to sleep. He only woke up once last night to eat! I have to admit that I am spoiling him a little more than I did Ainsley and Emerson because I just never want to put him down. I have even given in to letting him sleep on my chest during the night and I NEVER thought I would do that. My how certain experiences change everything. He had his first trip to the pediatrician yesterday and passed with flying colors. He has even gained weight from birth in his first 5 days, which doesn't surprise me as he is a good eater! I am learning how to change a little boys diaper and yes, we have all been peed on a few times. It's a good thing I have lots of newborn sleepers because yesterday alone he peed on 3 of them. I really need to learn how to do the diaper change or wear a mask. The girls think it's hilarious though and we all end up laughing by the time it's over.

My hospital is still allowing healthy siblings to visit so we surprised the girls and brought them to visit a few times. They were very hesitant the first time they saw Kanyon, but warmed up to their brother very fast. Emerson asked me, "mommy, is this where Kanyon is going to live?" referring to the hospital. When I told her no, he will come home to our house she started clapping and jumping around. Now, every time she says the family prayer she thanks Heavenly Father for letting her baby brother come to our house to live forever. They can not get enough of him, but I love to watch how sweet and tender they are and so very helpful. I can imagine they were nervous to get attached at first, but seeing now that he does normal baby things they are hooked. Every time Ainsley sees him she says, "he's just soooooo cute!"

This has been our little fairytale so far and I am so thankful for how blessed we are. Kanyon brings a very sweet, special spirit into our home and when I look at him I get a feeling that Eden is smiling down from heaven so happy for all of us and definitely a part of this special time.

On my way to the hospital!

Meeting their brother for the first time.

Marcus's mom, Dorothy, Super Girl, and of course we dressed Kanyon up as well.

"Mommy, I put on sanitizer, can I hold him?" I hear this at least once an hour.

Even daddy is hooked, and tired! Boy bonding time I guess.

Could my Ainsley look any happier to be a "big, big, big" sister

CONGRATS TO MOM!

Dad here -

Kanyon Bryant Ridgway was born around 1:13 pm, 7.65 lbs, and 20 inches long. Mom is doing great, she went for a little run this evening logging in a quick 20 miles... okay, just joking... she's sitting up and in good spirits!

After a long few months we have some rejoicing in our home... a boy at last! I want to thank all of you out there for your love, support, and prayers.

The Final Countdown!

It really is the final countdown as our little man will be here exactly one week from today!

I can not believe how fast this pregnancy has gone and how nervous and anxious I get as we get closer. I can remember like it was last week how I was feeling the week before Eden's birth. So many emotions floating around in my head and in my heart. It is much thee same this time, but the feelings and emotions are so very different. I still worry every day that everything will be fine with our little guy and I guess I can say I am still a little skeptic, maybe I just don't have enough real faith or maybe I am a "doubting thomas" by nature.

It is so interesting that the closer I get to this birth, the more I miss my sweet Eden. I miss holding her and kissing her and smelling her. I miss touching her little hands and feet and rubbing her cheeks. Sometimes I think what I wouldn't give for just 5 minutes with her again to see and hold her. I try not to feel cheated or robbed of my baby, it just is what it is and I have to make the most of it and be a better person for her. She is spending her last days with her brother and then he will not remember her here on earth. The girls have started talking about her more lately as well and they tell everyone that "I am having a baby brother, but we also have a baby sister in heaven." I can't wait to watch the girls with their brother to see how sweet they will treat him. It's so cute to see because they are literally giddy when we talk about him coming in one week. I want this to be perfect for them, just as it should be.

His room is ready, his clothes, blankets, towels and bedding and washed and placed. However, I will not let Marcus install the car seat yet and I have not moved the bassinet into our room just yet. I probably won't do either of those things until the day he comes home. We had Eden's car seat in place and didn't take it out for over 2 months. What a crappy day that was! Her bassinet sat in our bedroom until the week after she passed. Even in the final days/weeks when I really knew she would not come home I could not bring myself to move the bassinet because to me that was a sign of giving up in my mind. Will I cry next Thursday when he is born? Probably! Will I see Eden in him and think of her? Maybe! Will I feel Eden there that morning as we welcome her brother into our family? Boy, I sure hope so!!!

This journey is hard, it is strange, it is wonderful. Most important though is that it is my journey and I am so thankful to have a wonderful, loving husband and friend and special children to share it with me. They make each day worth living for me.

Betty Crocker Lives!

Since we will be in the triple digits again this weekend, I thought it still wasn't too late to give a re-cap of our summer festivities.

We did not take any real trips this summer, rather we stayed home and spent just about everyday in a pool. Since we do not have our own pool we went to friends, grandparents and even neighbors houses to swim and loved every minute of it. The girls really took off with their swimming and for a while I thought we had two little mermaids living with us. It's a big relief for me to see them swimming so well and so comfortable in the water.

I like to say that I played Betty Crocker this summer. As you can see from the photos, we (which I use loosely as I did most of the work) did a TON of canning. I spent three different days canning jam and one day doing peaches. We made strawberry, blackberry, raspberry and triple berry jam and have decided that raspberry is our favorite this time. I prefer to make the low-sugar jam as it has more of a berry over sugar taste. Not lying, I probably have over 60 different sized jam jars and that is after giving lots away. However, since I make fresh whole wheat bread each week there is nothing better than a slice of fresh bread with butter and jam. Now that is a piece of heaven to me!!!! My mom and I spent one whole day canning fresh Utah peaches and they are delicious. We canned 40 jars worth and only had 1 1/2 bad peaches in the entire bunch. So yummy!!!! I have always loved to bake, but I can honestly say that I really enjoy canning and baking each week. Ask me to bake something over cook a meal any day!

Just the beginning of the jam-o-thons!

Emerson washing the loads of jamming dishes (of trying to at least).

I think I wore that outfit for every canning session!

Ainsley's job was to unload the clean jars from the dishwasher, with daddy's fishing hat on of course!

So many peaches.

Do they look beautiful or what?!?

The girls and I did go away for a weekend with my parents to a family reunion and while we were gone my fabulous husband did some serious cleaning and re-organizing. For those of you who had seen our office and toy room before (bless you for surviving the experience), you will be amazed at the transformation. The office, which was once a pit of despair is now my favorite room in the house for relaxing and reading. We finally organized the toy room with containers for everything and are in the process now of having a loft built for the girls. The ceilings are very high in the toy room so to utilize all of the space Marcus thought a loft, or indoor tree house as he calls it, would be so fun. I can't wait to have a few sleepovers up there!

The toy room finally ship shape.

Our living room, which we also call the reverent room. We added some furniture to make it more complete.

The best for last, the office. I could not get the full desk in the picture but it's a corner desk on the left side.

The summer passed much too quickly, but we really did have fun. Now, I'm off to make some dark chocolate chip cookies, YUM!!

"Nothing to Worry About!"

While at my OB appointment yesterday I heard these infamous words, "Don't stress, it's nothing to worry about!" They came after we heard something different while listening to his heartbeat with the doppler. I laid down like normal not thinking anything and then when we started listening to his heart we heard what sounded like an extra beat, or half of a beat. I wanted to ask him immediately what that was, but couldn't because my heart was in my throat. However, he told me not to worry at all it is a type of irregular heartbeat called a Premature Atrial Contraction (PAC) which is quite common in fetus's and 99% of the time corrects itself before birth. He went on to explain that most adults have 1-5 PAC's per day and that number rises with age. He did not seemed concerned at all, but I think he could see the stress on my face because he reminded me quickly that it has nothing to do with the structure of his heart, which is perfect, but just that it is young and we may never hear it again. "Don't Worry!" Easier said than done especially for someone whose last baby passed away from a heart ailment. I guess I have to take his word for it that it is not a big deal, I was just hoping for no drama at all from here on out. Oh well, life keeps us on our toes I guess!

Emersonisms

I just have to share what my little Emerson has said the last couple of days. I hope they make you chuckle because Marcus and I got a good laugh from them.

Emerson LOVES to play Rock Band and her favorite song is "Eye of the Tiger." Well, on Sunday night she had the microphone out, without the game on, and was singing the chorus. Sing along in your head: "Eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of the RHINO!" That's right, not a rival, but a rhino for her. I guess that's as big a rival as any :)

I will preface this by saying that Marcus and I do not discuss politics much at all, at least around the girls. Last night Emerson saw a picture of President Obama and said, "Dad, I know who that is!" "Who?" Marcus responded. "Silly dad, that's president O'Vomit." I guess they do sort of sound alike.

You have to love children for the simply darling, innocent things they say. How thankful I am for mine and how they keep me laughing!

San Fran Get Away

Marcus and I took a trip last weekend to San Francisco and had a fabulous time. Thanks to my wonderful mother for taking the girls for 5 days were had our first couple get away since before Eden was born. It was much needed and so fun. San Fran in one of our favorite get away destinations and the weather was perfect. We did TONS of walking through the city, much too much eating and lots of relaxing. We even slept in until 8:30 a couple of morning and that is a treat in itself!

We made daily trips to Ghirardelli's for either chocolate samples or my favorite, ice cream. I have LOVED mint chocolate chip since I was 3 years old.

Riding the trolley cars through town on a rainy afternoon. It only rained one afternoon, but it was so nice since we NEVER see rain here!

Traipsing through China Town, belly and all!

Marcus and I walked to the entire other side of the bay (6 miles) for dinner and this was the view. The restaurant is in the background on the left - The Cliff House.

If you look you can see the Golden Gate Bridge in the right background.

The view at night from our hotel room overlooking the Ferry Plaza and the Bay Bridge.

We really had a fantastic time and it was so nice to "reconnect" for a few days with no distractions. It reminds you just how much you not only love, but like the person you marry.

It's Official

Well, it is official now!

As some of you might know, I am a schedule your delivery kind of girl. In other words I have c-sections! I LOVE them and I love being able to schedule and plan in advance. I had yet another OB appointment today and we scheduled October 29, 2009 as our little ones birth day. Is it fate, who's to say. However, Marcus and I feel that it is a very fitting day as his big sister, who is preparing him right now for his journey on earth was born on the 29th as well. That's right, that is Eden's day as well. I do not know specifics of time yet, but he will arrive one day before my birthday. We also had an ultrasound today and he is measuring right on schedule weighing in at about 4.5 pounds right now. Not big I know, but I am not known for having real big babies. To be quite honest, I really don't care how big he is as long as he comes out perfectly healthy and strong. Although every test continues to come back "normal" and perfect, I still have my moments of doubt and skepticism. I am so excited though to finally have him here so get ready because in only 6 short weeks Marcus will have another man in the house!!!!!! I left the doctor realizing that I really need to get my act in gear and get things ready for his arrival. It's like it just hit me that I don't have all the time in the world and for any mom out there, we all know that 6 weeks is nothing. The ultrasound tech also told us that he has "tons of hair floating around in there." We have been told that with all of them and so far Eden took the cake for the most hair. We shall see!

If My Heart Could Talk

Although I have been quite silent lately about my feelings, my heart is screaming inside.

I do not know why I have not verbalized any of my thoughts and feelings the past few months, but it's time to write them down. It's been well over a year now since sweet Eden returned home and yet it seems like only last week. I replay in my mind constantly what I was doing last year at this time, where I was emotionally, physically and spiritually and so often I don't know how I made it through the days. It was a deep fog, a very black fog, at times (most times) almost unnavigable. Sure I woke up every morning and went about my daily routine, but I was not there. I had checked out. I was a robot. I can act though, and as we all do at times, I put on my "good face" so people could not, would not see the pain and suffering inside. Only those closest to me really noticed how not strong I really was. My sweet, wonderful mother, how she endured hours of anger, frustration, tears and silence on the phone. But she was ALWAYS there to listen and love. Now I know why I was given such an amazing woman as my mother.

If only Eden was our only trial to endure, would it have been easier? As life goes though, challenges do not only come one at a time so we added more stress and worry to our plate over matters completely different from losing a child. Time passes and somehow I have made it to today, how thankful I am for today. Memories of Eden come fewer and farther between for me now as I have another life to concern myself with. However, as I think of her less it makes me feel guilty, guilty that I am not thinking of her all the time, guilty that she is not the principal topic of all conversations now, guilty that I do not even mention her name to strangers anymore. Am I the only one? I make a conscious effort each day to not wonder "what if" things had been different, "what if " she were still alive and healthy. I try not to calculate in my head how old she would be or what she might be doing at this age. It is hard though and my success rate is mediocre at best. Because I am surrounded by families with babies her age, it is like a constant reminder. That will never change though, I have to accept our path and not fret over another's. I do miss Eden, I miss her every day and the hole in my heart is still there. I don't think it will ever go away, I am just learning to bandage it and continue forward. Life is about moving forward, getting up when you fall. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend because when my life was falling apart, WE were stronger than ever. I have an angel and I love her with all my heart. She has made me a better person, she has made our family better. I smile when I see her photo!

It's hard to believe that our little boy will be here in 2 short months. What emotions that stirs inside of me. Marcus and I both knew at the beginning of this year that we had to have another child. How scared I was to embark on this journey again, but the faith of so many family and friends filled in where my faith lacked. Crazy as it sounds, I actually felt a little guilty asking the Lord to bless us with a "healthy" baby. Most mother's ask, or even assume that, without another thought, but not me. Was I greedy to want him healthy? Was it a lack of trust? I know the answer is "no" to all of these, but experiences change your perspective. We have been blessed. He is healthy, strong and growing perfectly!! I still have my "sceptic" moments when I wonder what will go wrong before it's all over. I am slowly getting used to the notion that this time, everything about the pregnancy and delivery will be perfect. That's what I want. I want to hold my baby right after birth. I want him to sleep with me in my hospital room. I want to change his diaper. I want Marcus to sit with me as we love on him together. This is our fourth child and we have never had those moments.

He will not, could not replace Eden. This was not our purpose in having him. I am sure he is enjoying some special sibling time with her right now and I hope she is preparing him for our crazy family. More than anything as the days close in on my delivery, I hope and pray that Eden is there that day. I want to feel her close to me as her brother enters this world. She will never be in our family photos and I hate that, but as long as she is close in spirit so I can feel her. I still have nothing for "baby brother" because it's been hard to let my guard down and start shopping. The "what if" factor in my mind has been hard to overcome. I have been browsing through the aisles though and that's a start. I really am so excited to have another baby in our home. Each movement, each kick that he makes, and there are tons, brings a smile to my face. Sweet reminders that life is good, I am blessed and I am moving forward.

Growing Up!

I apologize for slacking somewhat on posting, but it has been very status quo at our house lately. I have tons of photos from our summer fun and I will dedicate a post to that in the near future. To be quite honest, I just haven't had the right words to express the flood of emotions I have on a day to day basis.

However, this post is dedicated to my Ainsley Elizabeth and the fact that she is growing up way too fast! Monday marked her first day of "big kid" school as she entered half-day kindergarten. Ainsley is still only 4 and will not be 5 until November 17th. She was originally placed in a pre-kindergarten program for any child in our district with a late birthday (Sept. 1st - Dec. 1). However, that program was cut due to budget restrictions so in leu of putting in her 4th year of preschool, we opted to test her to enter kindergarten early. She passed the test and is now in a half-day program in a neighboring school. We tell her it's a special pre-kinder class because our plan is to have her go to full-day kinder next year at our local school. We prefer that she be the oldest in her class versus the youngest.

Because the school she is attending is in a near by neighborhood, she has the chance to ride a school bus. This by far has been the highlight of her first three days! The bus picks her up and drops her off right in front of our house and she is the first one on and last one off. I am normally not a very nostalgic person, that is Marcus's job, but I have to admit that seeing her get on the bus on Monday morning brought tears to my eyes. As any parent would ,we promptly jumped in our car and followed her to school. As worried parents we fretted over everything. "Will she know where to go? Will someone be there to get her to her class? Will she be crying from fear?" We watched her from a short distance getting off the bus and all of those questions were immediately answered when she saw us. She looked at me and said "Ugh, mom what are you doing here?" Can you believe it? Kicked to the curb already! Needless to say, she is doing fine and loving her half-day program. Her new thing is that she doesn't even want me to go outside when the bus picks her up and drops her off. I was given strict instructions this morning to just stand in the door and wave. So independent for only 4 years old.

Looking so grown up!

Outside the house waiting for the bus. She insists on being outside waiting on the curb.

They are getting so big. Emerson is in her 2nd year of preschool.

The first one on that giant bus.

Away she goes - and the rope gets longer :(

All Systems Go!

On Monday we had a fetal echo of the baby's heart.  It was not necessary to do because he checked out just fine at the level II ultrasound, but if you have ever had a scary experience with one of your children being born with a problem, you check for everything.  This was the case for me.  Call me a sceptic, but I had to have the heart looked over thoroughly and completely by a pediatric cardiologist who looks at hearts all day. Overdramatic? Maybe! A was of time and money? Probably! Reassuring? Definitely! We were given the complete thumbs up that his little heart looks "as good as a heart can look." No issues, no concerns, not even a follow-up needed.  Marcus and I were so happy leaving we almost flew out the door.  I told Dr. Lindblade, one of Eden's many cardiologists, that it was so nice to she him and please tell everyone hello, but see you later and I hope I never see you again! How thankful I am that we have been blessed with a completely healthy baby. Most couple expect their baby to be nothing but perfect, but we just hope for health with our record.  We have been truly blessed!

Six and Counting

Marcus and I celebrated our six year wedding anniversary yesterday.  It's hard to believe that we have only been married for six years as it seems like so much longer.  What an amazing, difficult, challenging and rewarding six years it has been and I am so thankful that I can wake up every morning to my very best friend.  In six years we have experienced the birth of three daughters, a miscarriage, the death of an infant, half of our 4th pregnancy, financial highs, financial struggles, selling a business, starting a new company, 10 hiking trips to Grand Canyon, 7 trips to Disneyland and memories to last a lifetime.  Marcus, I love you more now than I did six years ago and I think it is because of all of our life experiences.  I am very grateful that I have you by my side as my strength, my friend and my companion.  The wonderful blessing is that through it all, we have grown closer together.  I love you and I look forward to an eternity spent with you!

On another note, last Sunday was a beautiful angel day for Eden.  It was so much nicer than I could have imagined and I thank all of you for your kind thoughts, your love and prayers.  Eden was very close to us that day and I was filled with love and comfort.  What a special little girl we were given and I will cherish her forever. Church was so nice that day in particular and our time at the cemetery with her was very sweet.  Although we miss her so much and the girls still talk of her all the time, I know she is where she needs to be and this is the Lord's plan for our family.

Eden's Angel Day

It is finally here, the one year anniversary of Eden's passing.  Here is an excerpt from last year;s post describing the event:

At 1:31 am on July 5th, Eden Grace Ridgway passed away.  She was surrounded by those who loved her most, I was blessed to hold her and sing to her my favorite primary song as she passed from me, her father on earth, to her Father in Heaven.  

I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain

and ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again.

I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.

I want to be the best I can and live with God again.

I know when I am baptized my wrongs are washed away

and I can be forgiven and improve myself each day.

I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain

I want to be the best I can and live with God again.

We called grandparents to meet us at the hospital and around 11:00pm on July 4th we gathered in her room.  We started with a prayer by Keisa's father after which my dad gave me a Father's Blessing.  The three of us (Paul, my dad and me) then gave a blessing to Eden.  In the prayer I blessed her and released her from her mortal body so she would be free from pain and suffering, to live in peace with God until we are all reunited once again as an eternal family.  We then started to disconnect some of her medications but left those that would keep her comfortable and pain free.  All of the grandparents took turns holding her after which Keisa and I held our little girl for a time.  When it felt right, Keisa handed Eden to me and we extubated her and she quickly passed gracefully and beautifully in my arms.

The Spirit in the room was amazing and we knew what we had done was Father's will.  It was so difficult to see our baby girl leave us, but we know it will be for a short time in comparison to eternity and that we will see her again.  We were so happy she was no longer in pain.  She had reached a point in the evening that it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep her comfortable because of her condition and everyone knew it was time to let her go.  

We arrived home around 4:00 am and were soon awakened at 6:00 am by our early riser, Ainsley. It's nice to know that the world keeps turning and things continue on regardless of what we are going through.  We are so tired yet we have so much to figure out.  We know that through the Savior's Atonement we are comforted and strengthened. We feel this now more than ever before in our lives and are thankful to know that the Plan of Salvation is real.

It was without a doubt the most spiritual experience of my life that night and I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father made something so very difficult so peaceful and spiritual as well.  I am amazed at how much I learned from one single evening.  I learned that the Lord never leaves us alone.  This does not mean that he takes all of our trials, challenges, pain and anguish away from us for He does not, but He will help us through them if we search for Him and allow the Spirit into our lives.  I learned that I love my husband and companion more than I ever thought possible.  He is an amazing man and I believe that God gave him to me to carry me through difficult trials like this one.  I learned that life is precious and every moment should be seen as sacred and treasured.  

I miss my Eden something fierce, but I know that she is happy, healthy and safe in the arms of the Lord.  I know that I will see her again.  Today is for her and the wonderful addition she is to our family, it is for her memory and the special moments we shared.

We love you Eden!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARKIE B

Today is my sweethearts 39th birthday and I have to admit that I got a winner!  I waited a long time for someone like Marcus to come along and I tell him all the time that he is my knight in shining armor.  I am so thankful to have my very best friend in the world as my husband and companion.  Thank you Marcus for your strength when I am weak and for your support when I falter.  Thank you for treating me like a true princess and making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room. Thank you for being an amazing father, the girls adore you more than life itself.  I love you Marcus and I wish you a very happy, prosperous year.  I am so thankful that I have you to travel through life's journey with, for I could not survive all the "bumps" in the road without you by my side.  I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!

Here are a few facts about Marcus:

• He was a very accomplished juniors and high school tennis player.
• He was state champion in FFA (Future Farmers of America) for Dairy Cow Judging and Public Speaking/Interviewing.
• He served a mission for our church in Helsinki, Finland.
• He is a closet chef, he LOVES to cook.
• He was a professional fly fishing guide at Robert Redford's Sundance Resort.
• He started, owned and franchised a frozen custard (very rich ice cream) shop.
• He passed the L-SAT.
• He passed the M-CAT.
• He graduated from ASU with a degree in Communication - Conflict Negotiation.
• He is an entrepreneur at heart starting his first business at age 5 (polishing and selling rocks).
• He owns a successful real estate management company to date.
• He is a plumber, gardener, farmer, handy man, mechanic, electrician extraordinaire at our house.
• He loves me better than I could have dreamed possible.
• He treats his children so well that the cry every day when he leaves for work.

Marcus, I am proud to be your wife.  You truly are the love of my life!!!!!

ALREADY?!?!?

Is it really "that week" already?

I can not believe that this is the week of Eden's anniversary.  It has come so fast, but passed so slow at the same time.  It's hard for me to know what or how to think most of the time as we lead up to Sunday, the 5th.  However, I really want to make it a more happy day than a sad one and I want to focus on the wonderful memories of Eden that we all still talk about.  Of course I miss her terribly and I wish that it could have been different.  But, if I truly believe that the Lord has a plan for me and my family, than I have to be comforted in the fact that this was the Lord's will and it was the best thing for her and our family.  I might not know the full extent of His plan until much later in life, or not even until the next life, but I can not deny that He watches over our family.

You might remember me talking about the very last Tuesday I had with Eden, it was a marvelous day.  She was not progressing at all, in fact she was beginning to decline.  I had a very frank discussion with one of her doctors that day and it was not positive.  When she and I were finally alone, I stood over her bed and for the first time in weeks she was so very alert and focused.  She looked right at me and we "talked" for more than an hour.  I told her everything going on at home and how much her sisters loved her.  I told her that I was trying to be strong and make the right decisions for her.  Most of the time, I just told her that I was so proud of her and that I loved her so very much.  At that moment, I KNOW that she knew me and felt my love for her.  She drifted off after that and was never really conscious again.  I did not know it that day, but I would never see her little eyes open again.  I wish I would have stayed and talked longer, however I thank my Father in Heaven every day for giving me that special time with her.  I believe that both Eden and the Lord knew that the end was close and this was a "tender mercy" from him to comfort me.  A memory that I will always cherish.

The journey is a rough one, definitely a dirt road, and the road to peace and recovery is so long.  But it has been a good year and I am a better person because of Eden.  Our family is stronger and Marcus and I have a better relationship.  These are blessings that I am thankful to have.  I am grateful for all of you as well for sustaining me and lifting me through to darkest of days and for letting me grieve as I need.

I went back to my posts from this week last year and here is what I said last year on Tuesday:

"It always amazes me that although I am at my breaking point with inner turmoil, as soon as I enter her room I am filled with a very calm, peaceful, loving feeling. I pray daily that the Lord's sweetest angels are attending her right now and giving her the comfort that I can not always provide. Her doctor on Sunday said that she is truly a miracle to have made it this far and she is my hero."

I miss that feeling so much, but I still catch glimpses of it when I need it most.

For the Last Time

Let it be known that I am very nostalgic lately.

It was exactly one year ago today, June 17, 2008 that I held my Eden for the last time before her passing.  It was also the day last year that Dr. Pearl and his team did Eden's second open heart surgery.  For those of you who can recall, it was a VERY scary day for us and little Eden was in the OR for just shy of 12 hours.  I remember so well sitting in her room, waiting for updates and then updating each of you.  I will never forget the horrible news we received a few times that she was not doing well and might not make it out of surgery alive.  Oh how hard we prayed then that she would come back to us alive because I DID NOT want my baby to die surrounded by near strangers.  I remember praying at that moment that if the Lord wanted her to come home to please just let her live until she came back to us, her parents and family, so that we could shower her with love and affection in her last moments.  How thankful I am that He answered my prayers and even blessed us with 2 and 1/2 more weeks with her. 

As we get closer to her anniversary, her "angel" day it is on my mind constantly.  How will I feel?  What will I do that morning?  Will I feel her near that day?  I can not lie that I am scared for that day and I am nervous to face my fear.  One year without my baby.  So much has happened, yet I wonder where the time has gone.  Her bedroom is still untouched, just as it was when I arranged all of her things following the funeral.  I know it's time to pack it all away and prepare for our little boy, but it's hard, scary, all too final.

Today I thank all of you for continuing on this journey with me, with us.  I also give you all a very belated thank you for staying with us throughout her entire surgery last year.  As I went back to last year's posts and read the comments and looked at the time, I am humbled and grateful for your friendship, faith and prayers.  I know that they sustained us at the most dark of moments and they continue to bless us even today.

I love you Eden and I miss you - everything about you.  But, I know that you are in the Lord's hands and I know that you watch over us as only the best of angels can.  We are blessed because we have our own, personal angel.

JUNKIES!!!!

Marcus and I are officially addicts.  If you consider going to Grand Canyon twice in two weeks to hike (over 16 miles each time) an addiction, then we are junkies with no desire for an intervention!  We absolutely LOVE the Canyon and who can blame us for heading there as often as possible when it's less than four hours from our front door.  It has not been until adulthood that I have learned to appreciate living so close to one of the Seven Wonders on the World. Marcus took a couple of friends with us in late May to do the Death March again.  I have learned better and just hiked down to the Colorado River and back, about 17 miles.  Then, last weekend Marcus and I hiked again with my dad, my Uncle Bob and my brother-in-law Jake.  We all went down to the river and back again, but took a different trail down this time and it was extremely beautiful.  If I wasn't such a cit gal, I really think I could live at Grand Canyon and hike every day.  I just LOVE to hike.

  

This is a wild bunny that has made his home in our yard.  We see him every couple of days snacking on the grass.

Marcus, Jonathan and Chad beginning the Death March (that is rain and it's 3 am!)

The clouds were very low in the canyon and it rained almost all day.

My sweetheart who is like a mountain goat on the trail.

Chad and Marcus at the North Rim, half way.

We took Grammy and the girls up to Flagstaff with us and while we hiked, they enjoyed a day and the Deer Farm where there are live deer to feed and pet.

All the gang beginning the hike (from left: my dad, Jake, Marcus, me, uncle Bob)

What a backdrop and me in all my 5 month pregnant glory.  We start them hiking young!

Look at how breathtaking that is, just beautiful!

They did a great job and should be very proud of themselves.  Am I my dad's daughter or what?

Just beautiful and the weather was perfect.

Jake's very first time to Grand Canyon, what a way to experience the magic.

Little did uncle Bob know that  he would be harassed by a "wild" squirrel while eating lunch later.  There are signs posted saying "do not feed the WILD squirrels", but they are the most domesticated animals I have ever met and will crawl right on you.

Can you see the trail below us?

It was a wonderful couple of weekends and I soaked it all in as it might be the last big hiking I do for some time now.   I am still getting used to the thought of "thinking blue" and how we will do him room.  I really can't wait to do some shopping!