And this is my brain.....

On winter....

Remember that old commercial with the fried egg?  This is your brain on drugs?

Well, this is my brain, on winter.

I've made no secret that I live with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which is not surprising considering my history of depression.  While others are going on about the beautiful colors of fall and how they can't wait to wear hoodies and drink cocoa under a cozy blanket on the couch, I find myself on my bathroom floor, crying, rocking back and forth, saying "no, no NO" over and over again.

True story.

And then I went to my acupuncturist for my season's supply of a supplement called "Shine" and set about moving forward.

I've learned the hard way that I simply can't allow the darkness to get too close for too long.  Fall is the time when it comes knocking, and I can actually feel it lurking around the corner, waiting to close in on me.  That darkness is tangible to me.  I fear it.  And yet, I've also come to accept it.

I've tried fighting it.  I've tried ignoring it.  I've tried to fake it and pretend it's not there.  But it is.  And I'm coming to understand and accept that this is an immutable part of me, just like my eye or hair color.

With that, comes a bit of freedom.  I used to see my depression as a weakness, something to hide, cover up, fight against.  But that implies that I should be ashamed of it.  And yet, I'm not ashamed of my hair color, my height, or my bra size.  This is just as much a part of me as those things are, and, in many ways, more valuable.  Maybe it's more akin to my intellect?  Something that I was predisposed toward, but can either nurture or stifle?

Clearly, I'm not finding quite the right metaphor.

The upshot is that I'm trying to be more understanding and accepting of this.  This time of year is hard for me.  I'm not as productive or energetic as I am at other times.  Acknowledging and accepting that has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  I know that, as the weather improves, my productivity and energy levels will increase.  And come next fall, they'll drop off again.  And that's going to have to be okay.

The year of "YES!"

2015, I have decided, will be the year of YES!  

It's time to say YES to new adventures and experiences.

YES when it might be easier to say no.

YES when it might be more comfortable to say no.

YES when my first reaction is "no."  

YES to spontaneous suggestions from friends and loved ones.  

YES to all the good things available to me.

YES to the "crazy" ideas that pop into my head (well, probably not all of them).

YES when my kids suggest fun things (or even not-so-fun things from my perspective)

YES to the world around me.  

NO, I won't become a doormat or allow the kids to walk all over me, but I want to my interactions with the world to be more positive.  "Why not?" instead of the automatic "no."  I tend to be practical, so I've always got reasons why I shouldn't do things or why I can't.  I want to change that this year.  

So my MIL died.....

(Look what I found in my "drafts" folder from MONTHS ago!  It feels unfinished, but I have no idea where I was going with it, so I'm publishing it as is).

There's really no good way to title this post, especially since y'all know my relationship with her was rocky at best.  If you'll recall, she broke her hip in early 2013, had surgery, had a pacemaker, found cancer, was miraculously "cured" of that cancer (clearly I have my doubts), but the leg break wasn't healing, so she wasn't ambulatory so she'd been in a nursing home/rehab center ever since.

All caught up now?  Good.  

She passed away on July 2.  And it really was time.  Maybe even past time.  I didn't like the woman.  There's no secret there, but she was still a human being and compassion says she'd been through too much.  In the end, she developed an infection (likely in her mouth as she refused to allow her dentures to be removed for cleaning), and her body simply shut down.  FIL knew it was happening, but wasn't with her when she died.  He's doing as well as can be expected.  I'm sure he misses her, but I'm equally sure he's been saying goodbye for a year and a half.   

We went up as quickly as we could arrange.  Thankfully, it was summer, so we didn't have to work around all of the school, sports and church activities that are a normal part of life September to May.  And then we cleaned.  

People, please, for the love of all that is holy, teach your family the importance of weekly cleaning!  PLEASE.  The toilets were horrific.  FIL put those blue tablet things in the tank and probably figured that was good enough.  It's not, of course.  And I'm sure much of the cleaning simply wasn't on his radar.  It wasn't something he did so he didn't really think about it, and then it gets out of hand and he doesn't have the expertise to fix it.  

Which is where I came in.  I packed some of my favorite cleaning products, plus a giant tub of disinfecting wipes and several pairs of gloves, and then I got to work.....and put my children to work too.  They now understand why I insist they clean the bathrooms once a week or so, even if it doesn't look dirty!  Under the water line in all 3 toilets was solid brown.  Hubby thought it was from the hard water, until I showed him the streaks the cleaner was making in the gunk.  To be fair, some of it was hard water, but much of it came off.  Some of it probably never will.  Oh well.  When it comes time to sell the house, Hubby and his brother will just replace the dang things.  

Then there was FIL's geriatric toy poodle who's never been properly house-trained.  That dog wets on everything!  We've known that for a while and have worked with FIL before to get things cleaned but it doesn't do much good with the dog still around (the dog was put to sleep the week after the funeral.  He was at least 19).  For a number of reasons, including FIL's tendency to hang on to lots and lots and lots of stuff, I'm sure we'll have to replace flooring eventually too because I'm quite certain that the dog lifted his leg on all kinds of corners in that house, and the furniture never got moved to clean underneath.  

I have to say, though, that FIL did really well with all of this.  He was willing to let some things go into the trash.  Other things went in that he'll hopefully never miss.  Having become an expert on this behavior from my diligent viewing of "Hoarders," I reminded DH that now was really not the time to push that issue, so we didn't run through the house tossing things hither and yon.  FIL allowed DH to throw away all kinds of things from the fridge.  "Dad, this mustard expired a year ago.  Do you even like mustard?  No?  Okay then we should toss it."  I think FIL has never really processed things in that way.  Someone left behind some almond or soy milk and that someone might want it.....probably not since it's long since expired.  That gave me quite a bit of hope that we'll be able to help him let go of things over the next few years.  

Growth hurts

(Another from the "drafts" folder that never got published.  As it's relevant to things I'm pondering for the new year, I'm publishing it too).

As I've said, many times before, I know there are good things coming.  Changes are happening in my life and they're going to be AWESOME.  I can feel it.

I'm continually frustrated when they don't seem to materialize, however.  I want a postcard from the Divine, thankyouverymuch, with clear instructions or a hint as to what I'm supposed to be doing.

Recently, (on the very long and boring drive across southern Idaho, in fact), I had a revelation.

See, my MIL is dying.  I'm not sure she realizes it.  I don't know that FIL has realized it or accepted it, and I'm quite certain that several of the other siblings will be rather shocked by this.  But, thankfully, my DH is accepting it.  His mother fell and broke her hip a couple of weeks ago.  During her surgery, the surgeon noticed that her bone was particularly crumbly and sent it off for a biopsy.  She has bone cancer, in addition to the hip fracture.

The thing is, MIL is not one to work to overcome obstacles.  She's a perpetual victim, powerless to make her life any different.  The recovery from a broken hip is very painful and difficult.  It requires determination that I just don't think she has.  She also suffers from high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and dementia.  Her short term memory is pretty well shot.  With all of this, I didn't think she'd recover from the broken hip.  Now, with the cancer diagnosis, well, I think she'll be gone before Christmas.

This brings up all sorts of practical issues for me, issues that I'll process and write about at a later date.  Today is about my revelation.

Dh said something about how his mother had "lived a good life."  It was all I could do not to snort my disagreement.  Her life does not look "good" to me.  In fact, it looks pretty freaking miserable.  If that's the definition of a "good" life, then it's not a life I want to live.

And that's the revelation.  I've gotten rather spoiled and complacent.  (And whiny, if I'm honest).  I spend a lot of time doing very little and complaining about not having a fulfilling life.

Hello?!

Really, MIL has had an easy life.  Comfortable.  Safe.  Predictable.

Uninspired, boring, unenlightened as well, in my opinion (hey, it's my blog.  I get to be opinionated).

But, here's the thing.

I have a pretty easy, comfortable, safe, and (relatively) predictable life.  And I'm allowing myself to become complacent.  If I don't change something, I'll wind up sitting in my living room watching the world go by just like MIL.

That's the *last* place I want to end up.   So, it's time to make some adventures for myself, embrace the interesting, enlightening, adventurous and fun life I want to lead.  The life I want to, someday, be remembered for.