I’ve taken a few weeks off from this blog. One reason being I was a bit disillusioned with spirituality. Tired of seeking…that sort of thing and secondly, because I was just sorting out some things that didn’t end up going anywhere, truth be told.

I have been finding it hard to even want to go to church lately. My belief in God has not suspended. My belief in the goodness and the capabilities of church haven’t suspended. I’m just tired! I’m tired of trying to always figure every thing out. I was thinking today about the usual things my brain decides to catch on and ruminate over and I caught back onto an old talk I heard in church many years ago. I had probably only been in Athens then about two years at that point. I don’t even remember the gentleman’s name who gave the talk. I do remember he was supposedly my hometeacher…but I never officially met the dude. The EQ president pointed him out to me one time when he asked if I had been visited at all in the past year. I said I had not and he said well let me introduce you to your HT. I replied I wasn’t interested in an introduction really, and the EQ president felt that at the very least he needed to show me who he was.  I also remember he was a UGA Law Student. This particular talk he was giving was his last talk in Sacrament because he was graduating and moving back out to California with his wife. Obviously, I have a good memory for things that don’t really matter! 🙂

His topic was testimonies and how they are individual entities. (That’s the truth part). He then said a couple of things at the time that rubbed me the wrong way and I felt they were extremely short-sighted.  He started to go off on a rant of sorts about how people shouldn’t need anyone or expect anyone else to care for another person’s testimony. He said that if we were expecting home teachers to come and they didn’t come, that shouldn’t affect our testimony or our growth in the church. (I remember at the time wondering if the EQ president hadn’t said something to him about never visiting my home. LOL Whatever!)  I just remember kind of shutting off after hearing that portion because I was digesting this lack of responsibility toward another human spirit. It’s not something I identify with at. all. I didn’t know at the time that it was something that would settle so deeply into my brain either!  It felt as though he had this idea that everyone was out surviving on his or her own mentality and if other people  NEEDED the light of another person, they were weak or wrong. He didn’t come out and say those words…but I saw through what he was trying to say. He was saying it VERY badly. He was presenting this idea that we were ultimately NOT responsible for and to each other.  I know what he was trying to MEAN was that we as individuals need to cultivate our own testimonies….but adding in that we weren’t at all responsible for the people under our jurisdiction is a complete contradiction to the things that Christ taught.

Matthew 18:10 -14
¹⁰ “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven. ¹¹ For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost.^[a]

I don’t even know why his talk sprang to the forefront of my mind today. I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone or possible home teachers with me on their list at this time in my life.  I think I should clear that up right now.:-) So you can sleep soundly. hahaha

What I do think though is that people who think this way are simply, wrong. I am not saying you need to spoon-feed someone; but sometimes another’s light or testimony can go a LONG way in the soul of a searching or lonely person. When I had sister’s to visit, I felt very MUCH that it was my charge to check in on them in whatever way they felt comfortable. Some women I got to visit and many other women I just sent notes to every month. I always asked what THEY needed. I feel strongly you MUST approach someone the way they tell you to approach them in order to earn their trust. (That’s another lesson I had to learn…but one I believe in deeply now.)  I don’t really even know where I am going w/ these thoughts except to say that 12-years after the fact, I have a very long memory about something this man probably doesn’t even remember he said. Maybe I just had to remind myself that we SHOULD be willing to share our light if someone needs it and equally if someone is offering you their light, to recognize it and accept what they are willing to give.

“We are all connected in ways we cannot even begin to fathom. Our lives unfold through each other and within each other. What one suffers, we all feel. What one does changes others forever.”

~David Rhodes

My beautiful Kimsie posted this status update last night. I caught a glimpse of it before I decided I should TRY to go to bed before 3 a.m. for once  in my life. It read: “Today my supervisor asked who my mentor is. I immediately thought of a few people I consider mentors. I am thankful for them and their wisdom. I don’t know that people even realize the depth of their impact of another. Who are your mentors?”

I should not read questions before I got to sleep, because then I dream about those questions. I am weird like that. Anyway….as I woke up this morning thoughts were still streaming through my brain and I figured that I probably had a lot of mentors.  I decided with this blog, I’d be a big bum-kisser and highlight a few, because they really did help me, either by showing me how to behave or challenging a thought process I had…or were just the epitome of loveliness.

Kim, you have mentored me w/ your abundant patience and ability to give me advice but also sit back and watch me live my life and still love me through it all. You have a hero heart….and you are funny! You have helped me see that I am good enough just as I am…but you also know how to kindly crack the whip. I don’t let very many people reveal my weaknesses to me, because so often it’s just criticizing and being mean. You do it in a way that makes me laugh and think. I appreciate that you’ve taught me how to hear both the yin/yang of who I am and to understand that love is still there from you, always.

My mom has been through hell and high-water, and always come back around. I  know life has been interesting for her, but she’s always somehow managed to bounce back. Even if she’s had to put on a brave face and I know she’s hurting….in the depth of her hurt, I have always seen a light flicker within her. She taught me how to work hard and keep working hard on the things you believe in. She is a quiet woman. She’s got an amazing soul and an even better heart. She taught me that even though love has boundaries it doesn’t mean it can’t heal everything, if people just let love do it’s job. She’s still the first person I really want to talk to when things get rough because I know she will listen and she is smart enough to never ever tell me what to do. ;-p She never has, because she knows me well enough to know that I MUST come to things on my own terms, or else I can never accept them.

Also I have a lot of lovely and amazing friends….so if I don’t mention you it’s NOT because you have not influenced me in some way. TRUST me when I say you have. For the sake of time I am going to point out a few.

Monica, Kelly, Karri and Nikki….who gets to have good friends for 20+ years…who still care about where you are? Who you are? If you’re happy?  I adore and love you ladies. If anyone hurt you I’d run them over w/ my car! You are the girls I could call at 2 a.m. in the morning and say, “I need you…and I KNOW you’d figure out a way to get to me.” You all live your lives with authenticity and love. You’re honest and hilarious and even in my darkest moments, you have always been there. We live too far apart and I hate that. I keep trying to bridge the gap, because I want to be around the women who fill me up, put up w/ my crazy and always love me no matter what.

Angie and Tracy…my best GA girl’s….it took me a really long time to find women I clicked with in GA. I mean I had friends….but no one I could be naughty with. That’s important to me because I need to know that I can let loose with someone w/o being judged. I think a lot of people have this idea of who I might be in their heads….and I am probably some of that, but heaven help me, I have an evil twin. I don’t often show her to people because you gotta be WAY in for me to show you. (And this goes for Monica, Kelly, Karri and Nikki too…they know my evil twin!) Angie just accepts me the way I am, period. I don’t have to be anything else. She is so open and accepting…I’ve honestly never known anyone like her before. Tracy does too….but Tracy also amazes me w/ her organization skills. I told her I was ticked she was moving back to Washington because I think I finally found my business partner! Where I am weak she accelerates hardcore and vice versa. We have a nice balance and I like that I’ve learned those things.

The last friend I will point out is Jenderful (Jennifer Berg Speerstra)….she is goddess supreme to me. How did she mentor me? Jen taught me how to set boundaries and not to put up w/ everyone else’s shit. She always knew what she wanted to be when she grew up and just went after it. Even in her make mistakes…I’ve watched her rise and become this strong, independent and fierce woman. She’s like the only person I can fight with safely…where I know she won’t kick me to curb because we don’t agree on something. She is the one who thinks NO ONE is good enough for me. ❤ She is the one I go to when I am severely sad….because she will do whatever she can to help me, no matter what. We also live too far apart….and that bites too. The thing that surprises me the most is how I’ve seen people NOT see who Jen is…they underestimate her and that pisses me off…or they assume she is something she isn’t. I am monstrously protective of her. She’s taught me to believe in dreams and to fight for them, regardless of what anyone else thought about it. I don’t have enough words…but she is my family. She is my sister…maybe even more than that. And I  KNOW that she feels the same way about me. It can’t be helped. We fell in love in 9th grade and never looked back. 🙂

My kids are my mentors.  They amaze me and frustrate me almost every day. I’m not going into too much detail because this is a progressing and changing story. Suffice it to say my son is HILARIOUS…and he feels comfortable being pervy around me, his mother! He knows I have a sick sense of humor …and we just laugh a lot…as much as we argue too. 😉  Clara is feisty and smart and doesn’t always think about what she is doing….but she is honest to a fault. She is also kind to people she doesn’t necessarily like. I love that she knows she should respect everyone, regardless of who they are or how she feels about them. I mean those are things I’ve instilled in my kids….but watching them do it, takes my breath away.

All night I wrestled with this one, because this person doesn’t know how much I admire them. I’ve never been brave enough to tell them. I know this paragraph is going to be vague and I’m sorry for that.  This is a person I’ve watched for many years..and by watched I mean kept close in my thoughts and heart. I pay attention. And even though I KNOW life doesn’t look the way they probably thought it should; the fact that they keep getting up every day and doing it makes me love them deeply. No matter how many times a match is struck and the flame burns out, they keep striking another flame. To me they are the epitome of hope and diligence and just keeping on and on.  Sometimes I struggle with how often they are close in my thoughts, because it was not a friendship I was brave enough to deeply develop…because I was afraid and unsure and what if it was all in my head…what if this person didn’t see me as I saw them? It’s been a huge regret in my heart. What I could do though was pray and I have done so. I know this is vague and you’ll all just have to understand there is a reason for that. I just had to put it out there today, because it’s a thought that won’t leave me alone. Maybe in the vagueness they will just know it was for them. They will know I adore them. I’m still very afraid to put this out there….like panic attack afraid. I’m doing it anyway.

I think everyone you meet has the opportunity to be a mentor if you let them be one. Everyone has their own trials and struggles. I don’t ever think mine are any bigger or badder (ha!) than anyone else’s. I generally think we all have stories and something to offer in terms of growth to one another. I have more many mentors I did not mention, because YOU don’t have all day to read. ❤ As I thought about this I did think about everyone I have ever met (that I could recall) and what they have given to me. I also realized how blessed I was because I’ve been tremendously lucky to have met so many wonderful and amazing people….and moreover just blessed that I have learned from what they had to teach me as well.

20 Questions

I can’t sleep, so I decided to mess around some more w/ a movie program I have. In messing around w/ the features my brain’s neurons started shooting off and this creation came to light.  Peaceful Sabbath to you all. ❤

Job Chapter 11: 13-19

13 If thou prepare thine heart, and stretch out thine hands toward him;

14 If iniquity be in thine hand, put it far away, and let not wickedness dwell in thy tabernacles.

15 For then shalt thou lift up thy face without spot; yea, thou shalt be steadfast, and shalt not fear:

16 Because thou shalt forget thy misery, and remember it as waters that pass away:

17 And thine age shall be clearer than the noonday: thou shalt shine forth, thou shalt be as the morning.

18 And thou shalt be secure, because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety.

19 Also thou shalt lie down, and none shall make thee afraid; yea, many shall make suit unto thee.

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 How does a person prepare their heart for God? I found great comfort in these words this morning, but at the same time I began to wonder how I was preparing my heart for God. Often I think I fight it, more than I prepare for it.I have a great hope for all of this, for God, eternal love, the Atonement of the Savior (which in all honesty I am still not sure I understand.)….but at the same time life keeps kicking my idealism in the face. How do you hold on when nothing looks like everything you hope for? Do you just consider yourself insane and go about your day? I would love to prepare for God. For me that strikes up a great imagery of soft and quiet living. I see myself being gentle and kind, letting go of all the things I am afraid of. I see myself being able to fully love in the face of hate and ignorance.  Will preparation make me more patient? What does this preparation phase look like, exactly? And is preparation of my heart and life-long ordeal? Is it an answer we can fully receive now? Or do I just remain skeptical and hopeful simultaneously?

Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,

So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,

Were not, as ’twere, the merest mask of gloom,

But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day

Into their vastness I should steal away,

Fearless of ever finding open land,

Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e’er turn back,

Or those should not set forth upon my track

To overtake me, who should miss me here

And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew–

Only more sure of all I thought was true.

~Robert Frost (1915 A Boy’s Will)

*I couldn’t decide what song to pick today, because I loved each one I listened to. Enjoy. ❤