To Have or Have Not.

Went to a tool-supply store with my husband today to pick up a chainsaw.  The big tree in the back is FINALLY coming down.  More room for tomatoes!! YAY!

While we were in the store, however, I was shocked at the language of the employees.  It was "f" this and "f" that, and they weren't even in heated conversation or anything.  I had my two little girls with me, and was upset enough about their language that I asked my husband later if I should write and complain.  His response was, "They'll probably put your complaint in the 'Don't Care' pile.  Places like that employ people like that, and are mostly shopped by people like that too.  So don't be surprised."

That ignited a great conversation, in which I realized that I really am very different to have a high standard of speaking.  I'm different to have high standards in lots of ways.  For example, it's actually true, that many many people feel that the great highlight of their week is a bottle of alcohol and some idle time!  I guess I thought that was just a generalized commercial idea from television or something, but it's actually true!  A beer is the highlight of the week!  This is absurd to me; not just hard to understand, but absurd.  I realize that in an honest conversation they would probably think I'm absurd to say that the highlight of my week is three hours in church, or an afternoon of canning applesauce with the family.  So be it.  We can be different.  But still, I'd like to know how it is we come to be so different.

Diving into it a bit more we started talking about what it is that makes us different.  Is it really language?  I figured that was only part of it.  Does it have to do with how a person is raised?  I think that is highly likely.  But here's the thing, even people from horrible circumstances can rise to succeed in big ways and live by very high standards.  What is it that makes them different?  Are they more resourceful?  More courageous?  More ambitious?  Why does one individual use the free resources at the library to study, become an expert in something, and change his/her life, when another person chooses to stay at home and watch TV?  Is it a difference in values, in hope, in work ethic?

Yes there is a difference in resourcefulness, courage, ambition, values, hope, work ethic, and a whole host of other traits.  But none of these differences answer the real question: WHY!!??!!
Why are they different?

So then we started talking about that whole "1%" idea.  (The true idea that most of the wealth is held by a relatively small number of people, like 1%.)  We talked about the 'Have's" and the "Have Not's" and realized that the people in these categories don't just differ in what they have, they actually differ in HOW THEY THINK.

You can give a person from each category the same things, the same resources, the same comfort level in life, and still they would be different!  To this person in the "have not" category, a truckload of worldly comforts would come in with a cheer, but it be gone again in a short time because no effort would be made to appreciate or care for them.  A person in the "have not" category typically thinks that life is never fair , and that they have no control over their circumstances.  If it's all someone else's responsibility, then someone else is going to get it.  So of course, to this person, a little alcohol to numb the pain of it goes a long way.

In contrast, a person in the "have" category, typically feels responsible for their own circumstances, and accepts no excuse for failure, whether life favors them or not.  They will do all they can to retain the truckload of goods and increase it, perhaps even to the point of (at an even higher standard of living) sharing them.

The major difference, then, comes down to the choice between two thoughts.  Either a person believes, "I Can," or "I Can't."  That belief then determines their whole life. 

The truth is that life provides Can and Can't opportunities to every individual, no matter their circumstance.  Right NOW, I'm being offered many opportunities.  I could go clean my bathroom, I could spend some time reading with my daughter, I could learn how to sew, I could eat a bucket of chocolate, I could go to the gym, I could study the scriptures, I could sit and watch a movie, I could type up this blog post.  What I choose to do, then, helps to determine what I have, and what have have not.  Since every response of "Can" to one opportunity is saying "Can't" to a handful (or perhaps millions) of others it actually matters a great deal what I choose to do.  The opportunities to choose are not limitless, and that is a sobering thought.

What I choose to do is determined almost exclusively by How I Think about the responsibility for my life.  If I think that "I can't," I have no control, and take no responsibility, so I'll probably choose something that will lead down the "have not" road.  If I think "I can."  I have some control and I take responsibility, then I'll probably choose to do something that will lead me down the "have" road.  By directing that inner voice, and choosing what thought we will give attention to, and what thought we will ignore, we ourselves direct our path into doing or not doing, hoping or not hoping, becoming or not becoming, having or not having.

I know I'm not the first to understand this.  Popular culture voices echo in my head:
 "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
 "Do or do not, there is no try."
 "The only rules that matter are these: What a man can do, and what a man can't do."

I guess I'm just seeing evidence in these tool-store men that it's true, in real life.  I MYSELF CONTROL MY DESTINY.  I control it by choosing which thought to entertain: "can" or "can't".  The true thing is, I actually begin to give up that control, the instant I start believing "I can't."  So there's really only one preferable way to believe - at least to my mind.  The great news is that, even if an individual has been functioning in the "have not" category, believing that they can't, and being subservient to another person's thoughts and will, all is not lost.  Even if it only starts with, "I can change," it's a step in the right direction.

It's also an important truth for me to realize as a mother and a wife and all my relationships.  I can empower my children, my husband, my friends and neighbors, by helping them to understand this difference between "Can" and "Can't."  Or, I could crush them by withholding it and encouraging them to doubt themselves.  It's an important difference.

I know this is all just me, working out a new way of thinking, a new sense of personal responsibility and self-control.  There is a lot more to it than just this, because the roles of God and Satan come into these "can" and "can't" beliefs in a big way.  (Guess which one wants you to believe you "can't?")  However, this post is already long enough.

So, what do you do to raise your standard of living?
Start believing You CAN.

Funny what you learn while shopping for chainsaws...

Making Children's Burdens Light

Tonight I read a book with the children that I think will be impacting our lives for a long time to come.  It's called the "The Invisible Mistakecase" by Charise Mericle Harper.  Here's what it entails:

Character makes a mistake and feels badly about it.  Character's mentor tells about a mistake that he made once, and introduces the concept of the Invisible Mistakecase.  It's an invisible suitcase he carries around with him all the time, with reminders of his past mistakes inside.  This helps him to not make the same mistake twice.  The mentor talks about saying I'm sorry for his mistake, and feeling better after the apology.  The mentor's story motivates the character to say sorry for her mistake, and share with her friend the wonder of her new invisible mistakecase.

So, the kids and I were discussing mistakecases, and something important happened.  J asked if the mistakecase was heavy.  I reminded him that if he makes a mistake, but then says I'm sorry and tries not to make the mistake again, then the mistakecase is light.  However, if he doesn't say I'm sorry, the mistakecase gets heavier and heavier.  (I didn't exaggerate the point, but he understood quickly, even illustrating by dropping his hand to the floor and dragging his imaginary mistakecase across it with great effort.)

We then had a few delightful moments in which everyone was sharing mistakes they had made and repenting they had done.  We took turns "showing" some mistake from our mistakecase, and the kids really got into it.  Who knew mistakes could be a fun show-and-tell experience!

Then something remarkable happened.

My son turned to me and told me about a mistake I had made earlier in the week, that was still heavy.  He told me that he was feeling sad and angry that I had told his Daddy about his Halloween costume before he could do it himself.  (This happened days ago, but it was still bothering him.)  I reminded him that I had made a mistake, but that I had said I was sorry.  Now he needed to forgive me.

Forgiveness.  What a concept!  I have been wondering how to make this concept real to my children.  It's critical that they understand it and be able to use regularly, because it's so affects their happiness.  However, it's not exactly a tangible thing, and my children (J in particular, due to his autism) have difficulty understanding abstract ideas.  The mistakecase provided the opportunity.

I told him that forgiveness was saying to someone, "It's okay," after that someone has said, "I'm sorry."  If we refuse to say, "It's okay," that means we have picked up that other person's heavy mistake, and put it into our own mistakecase.  I lovingly explained that he was still carrying around my mistake, even though I had said, "Sorry," more than once.  I told him I could tell that it was heavy for him to carry, because he still felt badly about it.

When I explained that he doesn't have to feel badly about it forever, but can give up the hurt and the heaviness as soon as he says, "It's okay" he cheerfully forgave me without even a second thought!  I LOVE CHILDREN!!  Now the mistake is light for both of us, and he has had his first real conscious taste of forgiveness and its power to restore him to happiness.  I painted a picture in the air of his costume, and put it into my invisible mistakecase, to show him I intend to never make that mistake again.  He smiled and everything was put right between us.  (This was illustrated when he picked up his now "light" mistakecase and ran out of the room with it flying behind him.)

I know that there will be many many many opportunities for repentance and forgiveness to occur within this family.  I'm so happy to have a simple metaphor to refer to when my children experience mistakes - their own, or other people's mistakes.  I'm so happy to know this grand secret to happiness myself, and I'm grateful to have someone to tell the secret to.  I'm grateful they are willing to listen, willing to repent, willing to forgive.

I love being a mother.

Leadership

I am a leader in my home.

I never really realized it before.  I guess I thought my position was secondary.  The truth is:  I have WAAAAY more influence than I thought.  I looked over my past this last week and saw this pattern:

The reason my husband and I went out on our first date?  I insisted.

The reason we had children?  I insisted.

Our purchase of this home?  I insisted.

I'm not demeaning my husband's role here, because obviously he is a leader too.  His decisions have have been instrumental in bringing our family and myself to this point.  What I'm realizing, though, is that he is not responsible for everything, and in some very important things he actually follows MY lead.

Call me a feminist if you must, but this realization, to me, is huge.

I am now realizing that when I see something that is good for the family, or for me in particular, I can make decisions all by myself about whether or not to pursue it.  I've been handing far too many of my decisions over to my husband.  I've even asked him to decide on my hairstyle, for crying out loud!!

Look, I don't want the world to revolve around me.  I'm just finally coming to understand that it doesn't always have to revolve around my husband.

Low-Media Diet

We've been living without cable for a while now.  Except for General Conference, and Manchester United soccer games, (both of which we stream online) I don't really feel like we're missing that much.

I don't really follow any news sites, either.  I occasionally look for weather updates, but that's about it.  As soon as I start looking at what's actually being reported, I find myself paranoid and depressed.  Even the political campaign this year has brought me to the internet only for the debates, which I can tolerate for about 40 minutes and then I'm done.

Some people think this is crazy behavior.  It's true that I can't tell you anything about Real Housewives.  I'm too busy being a really real housewife.  Conversations at parties that revolve around pop culture leave me completely in the dark, but I feel like it's a pretty shallow topic anyway.  My kids are still unfamiliar with something called Bakugan, and they've never seen Spiderman or Barbie do anything.  Still, they can tell you all about the adventures they have together that are completely original and definitely more entertaining.

Are we really missing out?  Do these programs really add so much to life that I need to feel guilty?  Because I'm happy with what we've chosen to fill our lives with instead.  For example:

• My children know how to get along.
• My husband and I TALK to each other, regularly.
• We are big on using our imaginations.
• The kids are doing great in school.
• My husband is ahead in his work assignments.
• We don't miss the stuff we don't need that commercials tell us we must have.
• We don't have attitude/language problems that stem from the examples of disrespectful television characters.
• Family Movie Night is a special event, one looked forward to by every member of the family.  (Pajamas, Pizza & Popcorn - and a fire if the weather permits - you should totally join us!)
• I don't have to have nightmares about the horrors of the world.
• We've saved a LOT of money.
• We've finished many projects that would otherwise have been ignored.

I know there are lots of individuals who feel disenchanted by the media options available, but they are nervous to make the change to a low-media diet.  "What will my kids do instead?  Won't they just bother me?" are questions they have.  Honestly, after only a few minutes of being unplugged, children are naturally engaged by the world around them.  It helps to have a backyard and crayons, of course, but unless the environment is completely sterile, there's actually a lot of learning and exploring that will happen automatically, once their brains are given a little breathing time.

And the adult question: "What will I do?" is obviously a personal one, but the answer to it is worth the experiment: ANYTHING YOU WANT!!!  Imagine someone granting you an extra two hours of the day!  What could you accomplish!  What could you dream about!  The number of options alone can be an intimidating reason to simply turn on the telly, but adults find that they too, naturally slide into a better pattern of dreaming and dream-realization.  Just unplug for a week or two, and see what happens!

"How do you know what's going on in the world?"  This is a sillier question than you think.  In all my effort to run away from the media, I've found that it's nearly impossible to become completely isolated.  I hear stuff on the radio, I catch headlines at the gym, but by far my largest news information source is: other people.  I can't go 4 hours, let alone 24, without hearing about "what's going on in the world."  If I hear of something that genuinely needs more investigation (which rarely happens) I know I can get it with the push of a button.  Usually, when I push that button, I regret it anyway.

I know I'm coming off preachy, so thank heavens my readers are few (though I love you all).  The reason for this post is that yesterday I found myself checking out a news site for information about a recent child abduction in my area.  It was a BAD idea.  I can't stop thinking about it!  I'm now terrified of my neighbors instead of trusting, I can't sleep well at night because I'm full of fear.  I wonder if home schooling is a good option after all simply for the protection of it.  Simply put, I can't LIVE like this.  I don't now how media-saturated people do it!!

So, this post is really just me, listing all my reasons for cutting large amounts of media out of my life, and feeling grateful for the freedom and blessings I enjoy because of its absence.  Join me, won't you?

Ten Years and a Day

I love my husband.  Still.

Which is sort of miraculous, but also kind of predictable.

Because I chose him.

I chose him then, I choose him now.

This time ten years ago, we were sleeping in a car in a parking lot, because we were absolutely exhausted  and we couldn't check into our condo until 4 pm.  I remember waking up next to him, in a car, and thinking how funny it was.  I'm smiling now, remembering it, so I guess it's still funny.

This week, a cousin told me about a lengthy road trip he was preparing to take with his girlfriend.  He asked for advice.  I thought about it for a minute, remembering what made life with my husband so great, and I suddenly wanted to fill this cousin's head with just a glimpse of the joy I've felt while being married.  Our life has been totally unpredictable - by me anyway - and yet I feel so happy!  I couldn't even start advising this cousin, because there was too much - ten years' worth - to say.  So I told him that real love for a person starts with intense longing to be together, but over time it develops into something different.  You still long to be together, but then you add to that emotion an intense concern over that person's well-being and happiness.  Then you remember how often they've put up with your mistakes and foolishness, and the whole thing is overwhelmed by a surge of gratitude!  That's what love is to me now, a longing, a concern, and gratitude.  (And this is only our 10th anniversary - WHAT do I have to look forward to!?!)

Last night, as we were returning from celebrating our anniversary with cheesecake (which is still in my fridge, because I was too stuffed to eat any more - so the celebration is getting a day's extension) I started to remember a dream I had as a teenager.  In my dream, I was living in Denver, with my children, in a house just like this one.  I basically saw my future.  I remember being very very disappointed when I woke up.  Especially with the city Denver.  My teenage mind didn't think the Denver suburbs would be exciting enough, big enough, satisfying enough.

Huh.  Shows what I knew then.  I LOVE MY LIFE HERE.  I love being married to the guy I refused all through high school.  I love living in the city I was disappointed to dream about.  I love my life!!

So, I won't be making any avoidance plans for the future.  I'm likely to get it all wrong.  In another ten years and one day, I'll probably be somewhere totally unexpected, doing something I didn't previously embrace.  But I feel SURE, I will Love It, so long as this man is by my side.   And he will be, no matter where the trip takes us.

Because I will ALWAYS choose him.  And I feel confident that he will ALWAYS choose me.

Happy 10th and a day.

In Need of a Grove

I wrote last November about putting together a personal Creed.  It took longer than I'd like to admit, about 8 months, to really say everything I wanted to say and then refine it.  I'm SO GLAD I did it though.  I can't explain why, but 33 feels like a big year for me.  A year for decision making, and action.  A year for realizing dreams, not just dreaming them.  A year of transformation.  Just making writing my creed has brought about some of that transformation.

I don't know how comfortable I feel putting something so personal "out there" so for now I'll keep it to myself.  I divided my life into categories, wrote down the "I am" kind of statements that describe who I want to be as if I have become them already, and then laminated them.  Now I'm just trying to find some time in the day which I can devote to reviewing it.

Why is it that I have no "wilderness" to go to?  I have no quiet, private space, anywhere.  My family members always need something or just want my attention.  Even my husband can't leave me alone to read through my creed without at least wanting to know what I am doing.  I get followed into my bedroom, the living room, the guest room, the garden, even the bathroom!  Where is my "grove?"

Creating the World.

Today I was reminded by a friend that, "I don't see the world as it is, I see it as I am."  I completely agree, but that statement is missing something.  Something big I need to talk about.

The world, my life in it, all my experiences, thoughts, and feelings, they all happen in my mind.  I touch something, and neurons carry the sensation of that touch to my mind.  I hear something, and the pieces of my mind, capture, process, and remember what I've heard.  The mind is an amazing tool, and the best thing about it, is that it is MINE.  I get to decide how I feel about that particular shade of red.  I get to decide if my friend's angry words were spoken to hurt me or spoken because she herself feels hurt.  I live in my mind and in my emotions, and in that world, I am not the victim, but the creator.

For example: You, I'm sure, know at least one individual who has let their mind get carried away by anger, fear, and failure.  This individual honestly believes that's all life contains.  If we instead, choose to think about loyalty, compassion, and forgiveness, ours lives are somehow filled with these things.  It's amazing, and maybe hard to believe, but just try it for a few weeks and see if I'm right.  You'll be astonished to discover that your life experience is completely controlled by what you decide to think about the most.  It's an incredible truth.

So I would amend my friend's statement to read:
I see the world as I CHOOSE to make it.

Remember that talk titled "Beware of Pride?"  Well, I've learned (through that talk and my own experiences) that there are three excellent ways to make my world a happy one.  These methods pull humility into my life and push pride out.  They are three steps that are so simple, anyone can do them.  They really work, no matter what previous experience you've had, how deeply you feel despair or discouragement over your current world, and what other people's choices in your world have been / will be.  If you work on these three things long enough, your life, your world, will become precisely what you want it to be.

Here are the three steps to creating your world:

1st: Count your blessings.

This is an astonishingly simple practice that has the power to instantly help you see actual proof that the world is good, your life is good, and that YOU are good.  Then when you see the proof, you can build on that goodness, creating more of it, simply by thinking about it.  Yes, life is often difficult, but it honestly will become only more difficult if you choose to focus on the difficulty.  Turning away from the difficulty to focus on what you are grateful for, is an incredibly beneficial exercise of will, especially during difficult times.  Exercising your choice to fill your head with blessings instead, will actually bring you more and more blessings.  Think I'm crazy?  Try it!  If you sit down to make an "I'm grateful for" list, but can't think of anything right off the bat, just start with the beginning of your life and list all the things you've learned.  Like a snowball, the list will grow and grow and grow, until you find yourself still adding to it three days later, thanking God that somehow, miraculously, everything is working for your good!  Even when it's hard!

Remember "The Grinch?"  His heart swelled three sizes when he heard the Who's song of gratitude filling the air, and the same thing happens to us when we raise our thoughts in thanks.  We no longer feel out of control, alone, and unappreciated.  It is an actual swelling motion that takes place in the heart, and it often swells big enough to reach the throat and the eyes as well.  It is a beautiful thing, and it squeezes out (or puts into perspective) any difficulty.  The world is a beautiful place to the person who chooses to see the beauty in it and feel grateful.

2nd: Serve somebody.

Again, this is a remarkably simple action.  This weekend my husband was gone from me for a good 48 hours, and as you can imagine I felt pretty overwhelmed at carrying a full load when I'm only accustomed to half, for an entire weekend.  When he came home, he crashed, and after waking up was a complete grump.  I was strongly tempted to give him a lecture, to remind him that he had no room to complain after abandoning us for so long.  Instead, I chose to give him some breakfast, and some leniency.  My choice to remain quiet and serve him worked like a charm for both of us, and before another hour had passed he had swept me into his arms, kissed me, and told me how much he missed me.  Because I had not previously filled the air with my selfish pride and arrogant rebukes, we were able to enjoy each other's company again, and feel happiness in our reunion.

This is one of the great things Jesus Christ did during his lifetime.  People who were out to get him received service instead of condemnation, and in many of them it changed their hearts to become loving toward him, loyal to him, and happy about their own lives.  It works the same way for us.  Think of one of your enemies, someone who makes you feel miserable, and then spend some time coming up with at least one way (simple way) you can show them love or help them.  Try it with your boss, your siblings, your neighbors, and see what wonderful rewards come to those that serve.  Happy is the man or woman who works to make others happy.

3rd: Pray & Read Scriptures.

Sometimes when difficulties arise, it's easy to shrug it off.  Sometimes, though, the difficulty leaves us feeling deeply wounded, or inescapably bound.  Here's something you may not have realized: The level to which you experience suffering is directly related to how much of that suffering you stow into your personal burden-carrying conscience.  Seriously, the next time you remember a painful past difficulty, look objectively at how much of your conscious thought is going into lugging around that sorrow.  Measure it in minutes, in tears, whatever.  Then ask yourself, is this necessary?

Prayer is, among many other things, an extraordinary vehicle by which we take our burdens to Jesus Christ, and release them.  Hanging on to suffering is a bit like being the proverbial monkey with his fist in the trap.  If we refuse to let go of the pain and fear, it controls us.  The monkey (us) loses both his freedom and his perspective on how sweet life was only a moment ago.  As soon as we release it, we are free, restored to happiness, and hopefully we've learned better than to reach in for it again.

The Savior's gift to mankind requires that we choose to let the old self die, so that the new self can be born.  He's talking about YOU being reborn, not other "better" or "more worthy" people.  YOU.  He offers to make you whole again, new again, "without spot" as the scriptures say.  None of that is possible without prayer.  Through prayer and scripture study we discover who God is, what our relationship to him is, how to find the Savior when we need him, and how to apply the marvelous miracle to ourselves, so that we can be made new and try again.  Through prayer we can ask for an increased desire to be released from the trap, the assistance to believe that it's possible, and the strength of will to let the pain go.  And it works!  Really!  Despite some real debilitating and painful experiences in my past life, due to poor judgment and the behavior of others, I am a new person today.  I am free to try again to make myself into the woman I want to be, because I choose today to pray and study.  These methods give me the freedom, strength, and assurance I seek.  Power over one's self is available if we will take responsibility for our own choices, and refuse to choose failure.



I know I'm being intense here, I just wanted to write these intense feelings down someplace.  I want my kids to know these three activities that will release them from misery and bring them happiness.  I want them to learn how to handle the suffering of life that comes not just from circumstances, but from themselves and others as well.  I want them to understand how to shed the old self to become new.  I want them to know that I have experienced these things over and over and over again, so I know they work.

My mind, and therefore my world is filled with joy, with peace, with work for a cause I believe in.  My mind is that way because I choose to fill it with these things.  I feel both humble and confident, because I choose to think a lot about the ways God has blessed me, and the ways I can bless others.  I feel great hope that my life will continue to be filled with meaning, and that God will strengthen me to face whatever challenges will face me in the future, so long as I choose strength.

I feel completely sure that the same beautiful world I live in is available to everyone.  But, only those who CHOOSE to create it themselves, will have it.