Much needed update

Where do I start?!?!

Welp, as of November 30th our profile went live. We are officially an approved and waiting couple!!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOO!!! I'm in the process of ordering pass along cards and we hope our wait will be as short as possible. I seriously can't wait to be a mom. It still feels like it's just out of reach. I know LTL will make a wonderful dad. Just watching him with our nieces and nephews brings a giant smile to my face. He's amazing. I can't help but think that this might be the last Christmas that we are a family of two (four if you count our fur babies). So as we wait we're going to do our best to get involved with the local Families Supporting Adoption chapter. In fact this week there is a Birth Mother and Expectant Mother Christmas party and we're going to go help out. I just wish I had ordered our pass along cards sooner! I'm hoping there will be lots more of these to help out with.

Then I turned 30! Honestly I've been dreading turning 30 for a while now. I've happy to report I don't hate 30. There's something strangely nice about it. My 20s are gone and while they brought me some of the best times of my life I'm excited to move forward and make the best of my 30s.

On my birthday LTL had class so he left before I woke up and our pups allowed me sleep in until about 8 which was fabulous. Then my brother called from overseas. He's deployed with the Ar.my and I don't get to talk to his as much as I'd like and emailing isn't an option right now. Anywho, it made my morning even better! Then I walked out into the kitchen and LTL had left flowers on the table. He's amazing I tell you. AMAZING. He had the sweetest card for me which made me cry (which happens a lot since surgery, haha) When he got home he had a couple movies for me that I wanted and some MINT chocolate candies with a hard shell. Ya know m.&.m.s hehe. I love them and had been searching for some. Then off we went to SLC, SOMEONE lost her military i.d. and needed to get a new one. (I felt like such an idiot) Then out to lunch at one of my favorite places. The Do.do. It has one of the BEST turkey sandwiches with a great BBQ dipping sauce. Luckily it was Two for Tuesday on desserts. We got a delicious Sour Apple pie and their infamous Toll.House pie. YUM! After, shopping! I needed some new work clothes and got a great new pair of boots. I've been looking for motorc.ycle boots but couldn't pass up a cute pair of heeled boots. I'm still on the search for the perfect motorc.ycle boots so if you know of any cute yet kick ass ones let me know?

Physically I seem to be healed from my surgery. I'm still trying to manage the hot flashes which is rough. I'm also having issues with sleep which I really think is related. The timing fits. Emotionally I'm still getting to where I need and want to be. I have my woe is me moments but they're not as often as they used to be. :)

Sorry, this is all I've got for now. Haha. But it's better than nothing! Hope all is well with everyone!


*HUGS*

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Time is passing rather quickly. In January it will be one year since we began the adoption process. School, military training and a couple surgeries pushed it all back. So at the beginning of my favorite season ever we started back up full steam ahead into our attempt to become........... Paper pregnant. (a cheesy ass way to say a couple is now in the waiting period and have passed all necessary formalities). Now we're not paper pregnant just yet but we hope to be very very soon and when that happens we'll also be 'live' with our profile.
To say I'm a little emotional doesn't even hit the tip of this giant emotion iceberg.
Yup. I took am.bien. I should add the anxiety has made it downright impossible to sleep well.
I've got so much more to write/type but I can only correct the same word 3 times before I figure the hell with it.
Nighty nights to all. A new attempt to post will begin tomorrow.


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Floating

I know I need to post an update on here at some point. I just don't have it in me right now. I just don't care to.

While looking through the blogs in my reader I realized I haven't read damn near anything for quite a while so I began to read and remembered why I'd taken a break. I feel so out of place in this IF world right now. I'm no longer TTC and we're not officially a 'waiting couple'. Yet. (hoping for this month, provided things get done soon, surgery zapped my energy) It's almost like I don't really fit in. Not in this virtual little world and not in the real day to day world. So I'm sorry I've been total shit in commenting. I'll get back into it. Promise.

Things this week have been hard. I have great friends that I can talk to but I find myself holding back. Not because I don't trust them of value the friendship cuz I really really do and she's an amazing friend but because I just CAN'T talk about it. (You know who you are, I know you read this blog. and Yes, I promise I'm ok haha) I feel bad talking to LTL about it. He's got other things on his mind and it all boils down to me just not being able to talk about it.

Today after work I got home and just sat for almost 15 minutes not wanting to get out of the car. I don't know why either. I was at the grocery store right before and started to get all anxious and emotional. It was weird. All I wanted to do was sit in my car with AFI playing loud and zone out.

I hope this funk ends ASAP. I've got a life to get on with.

Hopefully I can get a good update on here soon. (I'm semi better with my Twitter acct updates btw. Beware of vulgarity. Especially if you read the timeline and see the stuff from surgery. Bahahaha. What can I say, Lortab, pain, fighting with my MIL and stupid nurses bring out the best in me)

It's hit

Good hell the 'weepies' have hit. I mean the anything sets me off and I start crying weepies. Let's hope and pray that these meds will help even things out.

Oh and a flip side to all this, it also means that I get snappy. LTL is so so very patient in dealing with these mood swings. I got all kinds of upset about such a minor thing today it was crazy.

I've lost my marbles kids. I've lost ALL my marbles. Work is going to be a trip on Monday.

It's done. I'm done. Ah hell, we're all done.

I had my surgery Wednesday. The 14th. I still feel like crap. Total crap. I'm extremely grateful that I don't have to be to work until next Monday. Although I do need to 'pop in' on Wednesday to take care of payroll. That's gonna be super fun. Anywho. I figured I'd type all this up while it's still semi fresh so I don't forget things.. It's mainly for me so feel no pressure to read to the end. I DO promise there will be loads and loads of unanticipated drama. ;-)

Surgery went as well as it could be all things considered. I'm a 29 year old female that had a full hysterectomy. Yeah you read it right. I went from a partial to a full overnight. At my pre-op I discussed with my Dr the pain I'd been having on my right side. So he gave me the option of taking out 'righty'. The selling point was when he told me that if it were his wide or daughter or sister he'd suggest taking it so as not to risk another surgery. Which would happen. So he took righty, lefty, the ute and all the other bits and pieces. I don't know that this reality has quite sent in yet. I'm still trying to deal with the physical side of things. Emotionally I expect tomorrow or Wednesday I'll breakdown.

There was way more drama surrounding my surgery than I'm ok with. With drama came stress and again, I'm not ok with it. It really all started the day of my pre-op (aka the day before surgery). Bear with me. The story is long and I'll be referencing my texts to make sure I get it right...

Tuesday morning as I was pulling into work I got a text from my MIL. (She works L&D with my surgeon) Apparently she took it upon herself to discuss with him the 'best' time for ME to have surgery and asked that I be 'last case'. She did this because LTL and I made jokes about how he had school in the morning and I guess I'd just have to find someone else to take me. ALL jokes mind you. Also part of me believes she wanted my surgery to be after her shift ended so she could hang out with LTL. I responded with 'I'll talk to my dr at my appt'. Well the appt was hours away and that gave me time to stew and get pissed and make a plan of action. I told my dr at my appt MIL was not allowed in my room, I didn't want her knowing anything, we were not close and I didn't appreciate her talking to him about me and she was wrong about what I 'needed'. He was great about it and said when she'd spoken with him he'd been vague as in 'oh? she's on my schedule tomorrow? I guess I'll see that when we do the surgery schedule'. BUT it all came dangerously close to a hipaa violation. And in all honesty it pissed me off. I'm 29, married, an adult, I pay all my own bills and most importantly I'M NOT HER DAMN DAUGHTER. I'm a daughter in LAW. But she had no right whatsoever to discuss my medical care with my surgeon.
Skip ahead to 4:00PM that day... This is how the text conversation went..

MIL - What time is your surgery tomorrow?

ME I thought you already talked to Dr. Y about it and told him I needed an end of day appt.

MIL - Told him right after you Txt me that you worked it out with Ty and you would talk to him at your appt!

ME - Hmm.

MIL - Hmm what

ME - I'm disappointed that you told him what you thought I needed. I appreciate that you are willing to help. I just prefer that I handle my own stuff as I am old enough to do so. It makes me feel like a child and that frustrates me.

MIL - Fine wont try and be helpful again

ME - And I knew you would take it that way. I'm not asking that you never help again I'm asking that you leave my decisions to me. I'm an adult and if anyone has any right to impact my medical decisions and care it's my husband.

MIL - Done not even going to try

ME - Whatever. You wouldn't be so mad if you didn't know I was completely justified in saying this.

MIL - No you just said sunday ty ice to work. Ask dr when he did surgery. Told him thought ty had to work until 1. He said he could do last case. I Txt you. You Txt me back. Saw him about 30 min later told him what you said and i Txt you that already. Nothing wro in my book with that.

ME - The problem I have is you spoke to my doctor about my surgery & I didn't ask you to. I'm well over 18. Its hard enough having to go through this. I don't need more stress & more being upset. I'm done arguing with you & you can choose to listen to what I've said & move forward WITH me & continue to better our relationship as we have been (which is what I want because I do love you) or you can choose to stubborn & choose to be mad @ me.

MIL - bottom line is I was trying to help


I feel like I argued with a 15 year old. Really. I also feel I was completely justified in tell her it bothered me. If I don't she'll never stop and I can't live like that. It made me feel violated all over again and I had that sick feeling in my stomach that I had when she painted our bedroom when I was gone visiting LTL in tech school. OH I you haven't heard that story? I'll save it for another day. It's a doozy.

So the drama continues. Day of surgery she says nothing to me but she is texting LTL like CRAZY. I catch a glimpse at what she's saying and ultimately she's telling him I did it intentionally to hurt her. That I knew she'd respond that way and I did i tall on purpose. Well shit. Of course I knew she'd get mad. She ALWAYS does no matter what. So I asked LTL if I was out of line with what he said and he said SHE was out of line and overstepped boundaries and I had every right to say something and I SHOULD have said something.

Time goes on and she's still texting my husband and he's texting his dad trying to figure out how to deal with this. At this point I decide I'm done and I'm not dealing with her anymore. LTL doesn't need it. I get wheeled into the pre-op area and I had the same nurse do my IV that did it last time. Crazy HUH? She was super nice so that was good. The Anesthesiologist was different this time and he had the WORST bedside manner ever. Total douche. The last one gave me the 'calm you down' meds before taking me from my husband. This one waited till I was crying in the OR to do it. Great. I'm 'The Crier'.

I'm not sure where exactly I was when I woke up. I remember seeing LTL shortly after though. Boy howdy was I happy. They gave me the basic rundown of 'it went well here's what is going to happen yada yada yada' I asked LTL to get my bag which contained my lip gloss and cell phone. Good hell my lips were beyond chapped. Hook a girl up with some chapstick while she's in the OR!

I turn on my phone and what's the first message I receive?


"Next time just tell me you don't want me there. I'm ok with that."

The woman sent that to me while I was in surgery.. The first and only thing I get from my MIL post surgery was that. Now seeing as how I just had major surgery, I was still out of it, I was in pain and emotionally I just wasn't sure where I was I did the only thing I could. I began to cry. Uncontrollably. I remember asking LTL why his mom was being so mean and why she hated me enough to say those things to me. All the crying and hysterics practically sent me hyperventilating and nurses and such came in quickly and tried to calm me down.

I will NEVER forget that moment. The moment where I realized that my MIL was not who I thought she was and that I was willing to throw aside any kind of relationship with her in order to save my sanity and well being.
I sent my SIL messages explaining what had happened and she was shocked. This was an all time low for our MIL. Never before had she treated either of us this badly. I don't know that I can go back to trying to rebuild another one-sided relationship. I feel her motives are not what they should be and it worries me. The relationship 'needs' to be rebuilt but I don't know that it can be. I don't know how do and most importantly I don't know that I WANT to. It's so much work trying to walk on eggshells around her. I'm sick of tip toeing around important matters that I have strong feelings on.

In the hours after surgery I got zero rest. Who thought it was a good idea to tell a patient to sleep but then come in every 2 hours to either take vitals or give pain meds? LTL stayed the night in the uncomfortable pull-out chair in my room. He's a saint I tell you. An amazing, cuddly, caring, warm, thoughtful, strong, smart, handsome saint. He got almost zero sleep. Every time I looked over he was looking back at me. One of the times I was woken up it was by the phlebotomist. Yay for a blood draw at like 3 am. WTF. Me being the needle phobe I am asked what it was for (since NOBODY told me anyone would be coming in to draw blood and hey a patient has rights to know) she replied with something like 'oh we need to check levels to make sure you didn't lose too much blood during delivery'. WHAT THE FUGH girl? I said, 'what?!' so she stupidly replied asking when I delivered and I told her I didn't. I had a hysterectomy. She oh well that's why we're checking. That wasn't the first time I had someone ask me when I had delivered or make reference to me having a c-section. I was too dumbfounded to say anything. Really I was too medicated to do anything but let my jaw hang open. So today I'll be calling to speak with head of nursing. Nobody should have to answer those questions in a situation other than if they delivered a healthy thriving baby.

Moving on, I was released on Thursday after successfully peeing in the potty with minimal help form my nurse (hello awkward) and having my IV removed. (which the site STILL hurts). LTL drove me home and told me his parents were bringing us dinner. *sigh* Apparently they didn't ask if they could they told him they were bringing it. By they I mean SHE. LTL's dad is also a SAINT. He is one of the more caring wonderful men I have ever met and I need to thank him more and more for the major influence he had on LTL and how he treats me because I know it comes from him. Anywho, they came, dropped off food and MIL acted as though nothing had happened. Believe you me this is far from over. I WILL have my non medicated talk with her soon enough.

So, here I am. It's Monday and I'm hanging out at home. LTL is home between classes to walk the pups and check on me. In case I have not said this enough, LTL is a SAINT. He has been amazing. I know I'm not easy to deal with right now. I hope my emotions don't go too crazy when reality sets in on what's happened. He doesn't deserve that but he's told me he's prepared for it. Haha. He's AMAZING. I love him dearly and appreciate him more than I can ever express.

It's 12:03am and I can't sleep

I'm fighting sleep. Not sure why but my body is. Haha.
Thanks so much to those that left such kind comments on my last post. I have surgery scheduled in less than 2 weeks and I'm pretty scared. I'm hopeful that the pain relief will come but I'm scared it might not and I'm scared of how I'll feel after...emotionally. I know we crossed the bridge a long time ago I'm just still worried.

Partly due to this whole false pregnancy announcement in support of breast cancer I recently 'outed' myself on FB as being 29 and faced with the possibility of a hysterectomy. I wanted people to know that it hurts and why it does and why I post that stuff on FB. Well, I've decided that outing myself may not have made a huge impact but I'm sick of being so anonymous. I go by Memu on here, a nickname my awesome nephew 'C' gave me. It's to shield me from those who may know me in real life (minus the few who read this blog) as I talk about family. A lot. I think the time has come to open up a little more. I got a Twitter! If you'd like to follow me it's MemuLee . Another thing, I'm going to start using my real first name. Maren. AND listing this blog on my twitter. Eeek, Haha. I'll still keep everyone else anonymous as I believe they deserve that but I'm opening up.

Sorry for a random post with not much substance. It's late and I had to take a lortab for the pain in my side Ugh. 1.5 more weeks. Wooohooo. Or something.


Laters all.

Crossing that bridge

My doctor wants LTL and I to make sure we are 100% sure we're ready to 'cross that bridge'. Which bridge? Oh ya know. The one where we decide that we're ok with me never ever ever carrying a child inside my uterus. My busted up uterus. The uterus that is in cahoots with 2 ovaries with minimal eggs. That uterus with lotsa scar tissue and endometriosis.
I think we came to that bridge and paid the price to the snarky troll about 2 years ago. We crossed that bridge and haven't looked back much since. We haven't had a lot of what ifs and that makes me happy. I truly believe we're on the right path.
It appears it's time to burn this bridge. Set the mother effer on fire with gasoline and a blow torch. That bitch is going bye bye. Forever. Guess this deserves an explanation.
I saw my Dr on Friday. The one that did my lap. I was in excruciating pain and spotting and that turned into a full blown period. Doc had me visit mr Wandy. Aka the dildo cam. Ok ok. I got an internal ultrasound. I've never hurt so bad. Really. It was a horrible experience. Ovaries look fine. Uterus looks ok. Doc believes that the endo is bad. Again. It's been 6 1/3 weeks since my lap. I started crying. It's too much. I can't stay in pain like this I confess to him. It's not fair to me and it's certainly not fair to LTL. We had a few weeks of great intimacy without pain and then It slowly started up again. It's been progressing until it hit hard Wednesday. LTL convinced me to call doc.
I told doc that I'm done. I can't do this anymore. The birth control isn't working. Surgery gave minimal relief and I'm done. I asked what my options are. He doesn't want to do a full hysterectomy. He'd like me to keep righty for hormone production but that's not always a good idea because the ovaries are what fuel endometriosis. BUT he said if I was his wife or daughter that's what he'd do. Leave one. Lefty has to go. That where so much of my pain is. And my ute? Well. I'm saying goodbye to her. She hasn't done me much good anyway. More of a burden. Ya know?
So there we have it. We crossed that bridge of biological kids a while ago. We chose to pursue adoption. Now we're throwing a maltov cocktail back at that bridge and we're sealing our fate and devoting it all to adoption. No more talk of a miracle baby being conceived. LTL isn't going to suddenly start producing sperm and my eggs are few and far between. I can't take the pain anymore. Emotional or physical. We're moving forward. I'm getting a partial hysterectomy.
I wish I could say I'm completely happy about it. While I know it needs to be done part of me is extremely scared. I know it'll make things different and hopefully better. I'm just scared and I'm not sure why. *sigh* I have surgery tentatively scheduled for next month.



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One month post lap.

So. For anyone else that had a lap for endo... Did you have pain a month after?
I don't mean like you're still healing pain. I mean 'ohmyhellithinkthisisthesamepainasbefore' pain? Cuzzzzz I'm thinking these twinges of pain are just like what I had before and I am appropriately freaked the fugh out.


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Endo

Welp. We can successfully add endometriosis to our ever growing list of diagnoses. :-/ According to my Dr he took off 'almost the whole left side of the uterus'. He also took other bits out. Insanity. Pathology reports came back verifying what we already knew. I'm relieved in a way. Thank heaven they found it. It wasn't all in my head! However my dr is a believer in birth-control to control it. While I'm not thrilled about it I'm willing to give it a shot... for now. Anything to not be in pain, right? :-)
I'm anxiously waiting on pins and needles to find out how minimal the pain is when AF shows up. :-)

TMI ALERT.

REALLY.

IF YOU KNOW ME IRL YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ.

Sex doesn't hurt!!! For the first time in.. I don't know how long it didn't hurt!!! Yeeeah I didn't wait until after my post op appt to get busy with hubs. Couldn't help it. Haha I did wait 2 wks though. And might I say it's been AWESOME!! Haha. I've been harassing LTL a ton. I'm sure he doesn't mind. He always seemed concerned about my pain. Now he can't get me to stop grabbing at him. Haha. I love it!


TMI OVER!!


So I think things are starting to look up for us. And that is WONDERFUL.


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Oh yeah..one more thing..

Had the lap... Survived... Found and removed endo... Should get all the nitty gritty info on Tuesday. Woot.


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Confession

I don't think I ever really wanted to be preg. I think at one point I merely viewed it as a means to an end. It was only a way for me to get my family.
I never had that desire to birth a child. I never had dreams of being pregnant. Only those in which a toddler was running and playing. In my teens/early 20s I did all those things I knew I shouldn't. I partied hard and rebelled with the best of them. When I got the tattoo on my hip I remember being asked what I'd do when I got pregnant. I just laughed and asked why in the world they thought I'd ever be pregnant.
It makes me wonder if deep down I always knew my path would be adoption.
I remember talking to LTL before we got married. We talked about kids. I warned him of my family history of having trouble getting/staying preg. His response came quicker than expected. 'we'll adopt'. I fell more in love with him that night. He was willing to accept me. Faults and all.
I started this post yesterday morning as thoughts were trickling in. Never hit publish as I felt it was lacking but oh well. There it is. It's been a while since I blogged.
We're no more closer to finishing paperwork than we were before. I feel like I'm pulling teeth with LTL. There are things I can't do for him and he's just not doing them. I don't want to nag. He's busy with work and school but I'm starting to feel like I should give up hope. Just accept that we can't have biological children and stop trying to move forward with adoption. I can't do this on my own and I'm getting depressed at his lack of help/enthusiasm. I constantly wonder if he's having second thoughts. If he really wants to adopt. I don't dare ask him. Again. This week has been weird. I can't wait for next week. It'll be tons better.


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June? WTF!

Ok I royally sucked at commenting with ICLW (partly due to not being able to get the comments to go through for whatever reason). I'm not signing up for June because I feel like a bit of a failure. I'll still be reading those involved though and I promise I'll get around to commenting back on other people's blogs soon!

I've also been a bad blogger. Yup. Sure have. Can't deny it. Lots of things have been happening yet a lot of nothing has happened. Haha.

There will be more posts coming.. at some point.. but for this one I figured I'd ask you all a few questions..

How many of you had a laparoscopy for endometriosis done?
How long did it take for you to recover?
Did you feel it was worth it?
Did anyone have the fear of them NOT being able to find anything despite your excruciating pain?
Do they fully knock you out?

One thing I'm worried about is LTL might not be able to go with me so that means I'd be asking my sister or my mom to take me and I don't want the Dr to give them any information. Sounds weird I know but my mom has a big mouth sometimes and I just don't want her having that type of sensitive information. Haha. Another concern.. my MIL works with my Dr. She's in the labor and delivery area though so I'm hoping she won't find out.. OOPS, I guess I should have prefaced some of this with, I scheduled my surgery. I'm having it done on the 22nd.. I'm completely freaked out.

Bah. Time to head back to work.. :-/ (which btw I'm completely burned out here this week. Long story for another day)

Pretty checked out lately

Been feeling really out of sorts lately. Not 100% sure why. Not 100% sure I want to know why. Haha.

Recap time? Sure!

So my last post was right before Mother's Day. We'd just received the paper from the RE. Since then there have been a couple 'incidents'. The RE's office called me to let me know that our paper was ready to be picked up.. WTF? We already got it. I didn't tell her that and just asked if they'd mail it to me. They did. The RE added on another diagnosis. Diminished Ovarian Reserves. I had NO idea. Realistically I'm sure I should have known but it hurt really bad finding out via a cold black and white piece of paper with tons of scribbles on it. I may or may not have cried.
A day or two later I got a text from my mother in law "call me after work". It's a text that actually pisses me off. It feels like a demand and not a request and usually I ignore it and do nothing. That day I chose to call her, from work. She was crying so hard I couldn't understand a word she was saying. After a few minutes and asking her if someone died she told me that her nephew 'MB' (the brother of the nephew that's married and has the baby born in January, ya know the one I can't bear to be around) was going to be a daddy. He was 15 at the time. He turned 16 yesterday. I assume based on the teenager's mom's reaction they are opting to parent. I know at least the boy had previously dropped out of school. I don't know about the girl. My mother in law was sobbing because it wasn't fair. She was sobbing because she knew it'd hurt for me. She texted me so I'd hear it from her instead of see it on Facebook. It's beyond unfair. I couldn't even say much back to her. I told her I was sorry. I couldn't cry about it. I still haven't.
My mind kinda feels like mush typing about it. I blame it on hormones. AF showed yesterday and I am in excruciating pain. Reminded yet again that I will never be pregnant but more than that, I'm reminded of what my obgyn said my options are with this pain. I tried flying solo without meds. Failed. Tried 3 different birth controls. Failed. The first didn't do much of anything. The second one left me with a 3 week long period which was entirely unacceptable. The third and last one gave me dagger-like pains in my abdomen daily. Don't know what that was about. It sucked and I opted to try a couple months off. I'm regretting it like no other but the other option wasn't much better. So, the next step is to visit DR.Y. The obgyn. He said my next option was surgery. I'm a bit freaked. I'm also feeling desperate. Desperate to out of pain. Desperate to not have horrific pain reminding me that my lady bits are failing me month after month. It's almost tempting to ask DR.Y to just remove the whole innerds. They're of no use to me anyway. Blah. Hormones talking. AGAIN.
Pretty sure that I am babbling to the point of not being coherent. I lack direction in this post. Did I mention that as I'm typing this I am 'watching' Juno? Big mistake. This movie brings me to tears every single time. Also, LTL isn't home. He's out at a father-son camping trip with his dad whose brother passed away last night so LTL felt it even more important to go. I hate being home alone but I"m glad he was able to go and spend time with his dad. I can't imagine losing my brother. His dad is such a great man, I hope he's doing ok. ANYWHO, I'm gong to take half a xanax to push me into dreamland. I'll leave with one of my favorite quotes from Juno,

''somebody else is gonna find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation''

Interesting start to the weekend

We've been waiting a couple weeks for our RE to fill out a form to give to the agency. They want documentation that we're infertile. Finally I called a couple times and left msgs. They called yesterday. It was ready. I went this morning to pick it up. Here's the Drs exact words. "excellent candidates for adoption". While it's relieving that he gave us another go ahead I feel it's bittersweet. Almost like yet another sign that we'll never have a biological child. Don't get me wrong, I knew that. I just still find it hard when the professionals agree and confirm it.
It seemed like such a strange way to start the weekend of hell. Still hesitant on going to church tomorrow. Not sure I can sit through an hour or so of mothers this, mothers that, it's so wonderful, we're so blessed.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. Keep in mind what May is, National Asparagus Month!! Celebrate with eating lots and obsessing over how horrific your pee will smell! :)


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So sorry

I've been downright awful at blogging lately. I've been reading others blogs though! And trying somewhat unsuccessfully to comment. I'm getting to it though. I've taken to reading while at my allergy shot appts. The only downside is on Tuesdays when I go I am all dosed up on Benadryl and I swear half the time I doze off while waiting for my 30 min to be up. Haha.

I don't have much to update honestly. We got more info on the 18 month old... I've decided to refer to the 18 month old as JD. It's gender neutral..right? Haha. I picked JD because of the show Scrubs. Not only is it the main characters name (Zach B) but it's also Dr Cox's daughter's name. I found it fitting.

ANYWHO, JD's mom goes to court the first week of next month and we're kind of just waiting to see what happens. We can't do much without the go ahead from the case worker and naturally she doesn't want much, if anything to do with us at this point. I can't help but think that the mom will maintain custody. Or if JD is taken away from her it wil only be for a short amount of time. Deep down I want to believe that she'll change for JD. That she'll do whatever it takes to make things better and keep JD safe. LTL kind of feels the same way. We're not too hopeful about the situation at this point. I think if we were to get hopeful we'd end up being crushed.
So, we're still moving very slowly ahead with the agency. Trying to get all our paperwork done. Currently waiting on a couple Drs to fill out papers then we should be good to move into the next phase. Which is... more papers! Wahoooo! haha. At least it'll all be worth it.
As far as the social diet thing goes, I've been fairly successful in limiting my exposure. (BTW THANKS FOR ALL THE KIND WORDS IN REGARDS TO THAT CRAPPY SITUATION!) At some point I 'un-hid' people on FB and have begun to 'hide' them again. It's just too much.
Tonight I want to start back running. Can't really do it outside as the weather here still sucks. I actually had to scrape my windows this morning which made me kinda pissed at 6:30am. So it'll be indoors on a treadmill. I'd like to get back into shape asap and be able to train for a marathon or a half marathon. Plus, let's be real... I'm depressed and need to get my ass out of this funk. I spend the majority of my time chilling with my dogs and avoiding most of my neighbors. Mean I know but I just don't have anything in common with the majority of them..really. Most of them are all about their kids/babies/pregnancy which they SHOULD be. I'm not complaining about that. I think it's only right that they chose those as priorities, I'd do the same thing.. Hell, I did when LTL came home from Tech School. Told my friends to not even ask to see me until he had been home a few months. Ooops.. Train running off the track. Hehe. I need to get back into running for my sanity and I'm hoping tonight is the night I am motivated enough to do so. I figure a couple days of running then I'll start on the Insanity DVDs we bought. I did the little fit test and I swear it just about killed me but I LIKED IT! There is just 1 day where I can't really work out so I'll have to modify a schedule. Tuesdays I get my shot and can't work out for 2ish hours after and since I've been having rather large reactions I'd prefer to not run at all that night.

I've gone from a lack of posts to a major run-on post. Sorry bout that peeps!

OOOOOOOH one last thing, I'm super glad it's NIAW. There is an IF conference/event/etc on Saturday that I'm going to with my SIL and we're gonna head out to lunch after. I'm really excited. She's pretty timid with all this and I think she's still in the 'woe is me I can't do anything' phase so I'm stoked to get her involved with things. I think it'll help her. Plus they're doing some pretty bad ass giveaways that I wouldn't mind winning. I don't know that I'd actually use it but they're giving away a certificate for half off an IVF cycle and a few other treatment certificates, another being accupuncture (that I'd be willing to try just to get my body on it's normal cycle!). :)

Hope everyone is having a great week. I'm off to comment!

HAPPY ICLW!

WELCOME!
I know I'm a day late welcoming people buuut, things are crazy right now.
Our TTC timeline i off to the right.
I absolutely promise I'll do a legit post when I get back home this afternoon. I'm currently waiting for my half hour to be up at the allergy shot place then it's off to do my hair and my brother in laws. :)
Happy Friday all!

Sundays are sometimes worse than Mondays...

So about 10 min after I posted the previous post I had a nice little breakdown at the family Easter dinner. I feel like I should celebrate seeing as how it was my first breakdown in front of that many family members. What makes it 'EXTRA' special is the fact that it wasn't even my family. It was LTL's.

Here's what happened.. or at least my version.

My in laws decided to do the Easter dinner and egg hunt yesterday out of convenience. Whatev. No biggie. We met with Grandma W earlier that day to discuss the little 18 month old so emotions were already present. (He has a sad story that I'm sure anyone would get teary eyed over) By the time we got to the Aunt and Uncles house emotions had settled and we felt pretty damn good about things. I was laughing and enjoying talking with peeps.
Dinner was perfect. LTL and I sat ouside at a table with mainly kids. I think the youngest is 7 or 8 so they were a blast. The weather was a little cold so after we ate we went inside to warm up and I kid you not the first thing I heard was 'I don't know if any other parents....blah blah blah' Ok. Whatev. No biggie. I blew it off. We went to sit on the couch and LTL asked if it would bother me if he held 'the' baby. I said no I think I'm doing better with all that and I did really well for about 20 min. Then the parents came over and other people came over and 100% of the talk was about how great their child is and how wonderful it was that they caught such and such on video. They're so 'proud', they can't wait to do this and that with the baby and they bought this and can't wait till the baby is big enough to wear it.
THAT'S when I lost it. I slowly turned to LTL and whispered 'I can't take it anymore.. I have to sit somewhere else'. So I got up and left to sit by the SIL going through IF who was near my MIL. She could tell I was upset, asked if I was ok and I lost it. Had to go into another room and had a mini cry fest. (With my MIL) She was GREAT and super nice and didn't even blink when I busted out the F word. She stayed with me for a bit then after I calmed down she went and must have given LTL hint to come grab me.
I've been SOOOOO good about not having a breakdown in front of people. Especially family. I really do try to keep my feelings in check. I didn't want others to feel like they can't say things in front of me. Well I failed yesterday. I assume the other couple noticed and ya know.. I just don't care anymore. I can only take so much of that stuff. It felt like it was being thrown in my face. They know I have a hard time with all that and LTL has even told the husband. I guess what makes me more bummed is the fact that they knew and didn't care. I really don't know where to go from here. It's like now that they have the baby they're at every family function. Which fine, whatever. They should be. I guess. It just means I need to go on a social diet. Limiting my exposure to those things that are hazardous to my health and well being. I doubt LTL will have a problem with me taking a step back from things. Apparently I worried him a bit last night. He admitted that it's harder on me than it is on him. So at least he understands enough to be sympathetic.
So there's the most recent update on my sanity.. or lack thereof.

HAPPY MONDAY! haha

We are....

Cautiously moving forward to gain information on fostering then adopting a little boy in our extended family. This has potential to be great for all involved. :) I'm excited and super scared. We're just barely in the info stage so my excitement is premature and we could end up crushed. In fact with all that's happen I expect to be crushed. It feels inevitable.



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Hello there

Sorry, I've been MIA for a while. Still reading others blogs but seriously neglecting my own. (and seriously sucking at commenting) Just haven't felt like I have anything of value to say but I think I'll try. Bear with me as I update? Haha.
Things feel stagnant in my life. We got accepted as clients and are trying really hard to dive into the paperwork but between our work schedules and me getting pretty sick last week not much has happened. I've been able to take care of a couple things but I'm finding it hard to get my butt to our RE to have him sign our IF paperwork. Which I'll admit I'm not stoked on needing to do seeing as I'm not feeling like reliving all that crap. :-/ But. Our agency requires it.
Work has been great. Still loving being away from the salon scene. I got to go to California for some training so LTL came along. It was a nice little escape. I just wish it were longer so we're trying to make some vacation plans this summer. Nothing major. Just a couple little getaways. We need it.
I got a random call last night from my MIL. Why she calls me instead of her son I'm not sure. Haha. But oh well. She called to let me know that a semi distant family member was probably going to have their 18 month old little boy taken away. I'm not sure whats happening to mom but dad is getting incarcerated. They've had their other 2 kids taken away. So here's really why she called.. The grandmother (that we also all call Grandma 'W') wants to know if we would be interested in talking to the lawyer involved. I'm not sure if it would be a foster with intent to adopt or a straight forward private adoption. I think child welfare services (DCFS) is involved. So I'm torn. LTL says he's fine with anything but is just concerned because he knows I want an infant. Which I have said I wanted but I almost think this could be awesome. We'd be able to help this little one and keep him in fairly close contact with those that already love and adore him while allowing us to be parents. Last night I told LTL that I didn't think I was being rational as my MIL told me that if we didn't say yes she'd ask 'the other couple' and that hurt. For lots of reasons. Sometimes I feel like her trying to help is only self serving. SHE wants to be a grandma and that's all that matters. I get it. Kinda. But I wish I felt like she was doing these type of things in OUR best interest and in the best interest of this child.
So here are my thoughts now that almost 12 hours have passed.
*I want to email our social worker and discuss the potential 'repercussions' with the agency of us fostering this child (assuming that is what it is and we don't get to adopt him). I know if we were allowed to adopt him they'd close out our info and everything. (She told us that when we met.)
*I want to talk to Grandma W and see what the situation is.
*A chat with the lawyer would be grand to get an overall idea of how this would/could work.
*We'd need to call our insurance company and see if they'd cover him under the different circumstances.
*A chat with DCFS if possible to get a better understanding of what little dude has been through and what to expect with his mental health. (assuming they've done an evaluation) I don't want this to be traumatic for him and if we got to adopt him I want to be prepared to help him as much as possible.
*As much as I want to be a mom I'm worried that I'd say yes for the wrong reasons. I don't like thinking that my 'wants' could get in the way of whats really best for a child.
Annnd now that I've said/typed all this I'm even more confused as to what we should do. It's going to be a LONG Tuesday.

Whoa.

Is it really ICLW time already?! Yikes. Time has flown by!
HAPPY ICLW EVERYONE and WELCOME!
A quick warning:
I'm foul mouthed.
I'm slightly bitter. (hehe)
While I love to speak my mind I tend reserve extreme harshness for my blog.
I'm slightly mortified that people I know IRL read this (mainly for the foul mouthed and bitter reasons).
I love to read but rarely comment on blogs. Sorry peeps. I'm working on getting better hence signing up for ICLW.
Thanks to all that have commented. I really do see this as a great source of support. <3


Now on to other things. I'm a little weird. Did I not add that in the above list? Crap. Sorry peeps. I'm sitting here (on the bathroom rug in front of my little space heater. Yes. Space heater. I like my bathroom toasty but the bedroom cool. Weird. I know. Haha) wrapped up in two big towels post shower blogging from my phone. I consider this almost a calm before the storm each morning. A few minutes of peace and quiet by myself the day begins.
Today is definitely going to be a trip. LTL and I have our 'intake interview' with an agency this morning. This could be where we decide to continue forward with them or we decide to part ways. I'm a little nervous. Nervous enough that my stomach was upset most of yesterday and I had a horrific pounding headache. I shouldn't be nervous but it's one of those things where I'm terrified that they won't accept us. If course there are other agencies but this one has a better fee range, doesn't charge the fee based on the race of the baby and it just felt better. So I guess we'll see. Our interview is in 2 hours.
On slightly related news AF showed up last week. For about a day. Maybe two. Horrific cramping but short lived. I'm unsure what to make of it. My heart cried out to POAS but my mind was more reasonable and stated all the reasons I couldn't be knocked up. There was a bit of debate between the two. It kinda sucked. In the end my mind won. I didn't POAS and I don't have any intention to in the near future.
So with AF showing up I need to decide if I should call my dr. I had cramps mid cycle. Ah hell let's be real. I had cramps almost every day until 2 days after AF showed. One night they woke me up and I debated waking LTL to take me to an urgent care. Now, I was on BC for the past 3 months in hopes of controlling cramps but clearly it didn't work. So while I'd like to call my dr I really don't want to in case he wants surgery which he already mentioned last time we spoke. This is where the possible endo diagnosis comes in. He's not 100% sure that's what it is and said he'd want to do surgery to make sure. My biggest worry? What if it's all in my head? Ironically I'm not concerned about having an actual diagnosis I'm worried about a lack of diagnosis.
Welp. I've got to get ready for the interview and work. Hope everyone has a great morning! I'll pop back on with a post interview update.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


**addition to post**
Intake interview went great. We're good to proceed with more paperwork. :) I'm nervous but happy.

Lame

Ok I must be messed up. I'm pretty sure I'm one of few people who can't even bear to hold the new baby. It's fucked up. I feel like such a weirdo.


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Outcast

This is intended to be short post as I'm exhausted and have to be up way too early for my own liking tomorrow and I've already begun sipping my nighttime tea but we'll see....

I think it was about a month after we moved in that I got my first snide comment about my tattoos while laying out by the pool. I blew it off for the most part but it still gets me from time to time. Shortly after that I was informed that a semi prominent woman in our women's church group had decided my name was too much work to use and began calling me 'that girl with the tattoos'. I think that soured me on the church group and I have only been to those meetings/classes a few times since.

I made an effort with my neighbors when we first moved in and I tried for a while. I really did. Then LTL left for 9 weeks with the Air Force and only a couple people said anything to me. The church I attend makes a big deal about checking on the other church members. There are even designated people for it. None of my designated people called/texted/emailed/facebooked/dropped by. I felt completely alone in a large condo complex with lots of people around me. There I was 45 minutes away from my family, off my last failed cycle of clomid, missing my husband like crazy and practically sobbing on my way home each night dreading being in our condo alone.

Here's where I'd love to say things have changed.

It hasn't. Not one single bit. As I was walking my pups alone tonight I looked up at the sky and remembered driving 'home' with LTL for the first time. We opened the sunroof on his Civic and saw the brilliant stars. Where we live there aren't a lot of city lights and it's beyond easy to see different constellations. It was amazing that first night. I felt like we were exactly where we were supposed to be. I felt we had a purpose out here. I was so naive. So tonight as the dogs and I ended our walk I stopped by our building and looked up at the sky. A few clouds were scattered above but there those stars were, as obvious as ever and almost taunting me. So I searched for a shooting star to make my wish.. it didn't happen.. of course it didn't.. and as I stood there with tears fillings my eyes I was reminded that no matter how many people live around me, I am alone in this neighborhood. LTL and I are alone. We will always be the outcasts here with our lack of kid(s) and our abundance of tattoos. A new project for me is to begin to accept this. Again. I thought I had once before but just like everything else, it's come back to bite me in the ass.

Throwing a party

A pity party to be exact. A pity party for myself. Wow I feel even more lame after typing that.

I've felt like nothing has gone right this past week or so and ironically I feel even worse for thinking that. I'm very fortunate and I lose sight of that when things start to go 'wrong'. My husband is the best I could ever ask for he puts up with me when I doubt anyone else could, my family is great and supportive, my in laws are awesome, I'm really enjoying my job and we have a roof over or head and dependable cars. Why is it so easy to lose sight of the basics?

In the past couple weeks I don't think I can even count how many times my eyes filled with tears or how many times I had that all too familiar tightening in my chest/throat. Anxiety has been in full swing and it's been bad enough at times that I wonder if I need to chat up my dr about this but then worry that the agency may think of it thus continuing a vicious cycle of worrying. Haha.

Sorry for the jumping around, I typed part of this earlier today so my train of thought shifted, obviously.

I guess I just needed an outlet today to declare to myself that I am finally acknowledging that I can't take all this. It feels like I've bitten off too much to chew. I can't keep caring so much about everything. It's eating away at me. My stomach has been in turmoil hurting every day and my sleep has suffered as I wake up every couple hours. I NEED to find a way to cope with the fact that most of my friends have kids/are having babies. I need to find a way to be around the in laws with the baby and make eye contact. I need to find a way to control my jealousy of them being able to be parents without a 3rd party checking their credentials. Even as I type this my throat feels tight. :-( so I'm gonna peace out.

I hope everyone's week is going well!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

IF and cars

I find the connection between IF and car shopping insane.

Recently I have begun looking to replace my Jeep, Mallow. She's amazing and more. I can't count how many times her heated seats have soothed my overly aggressive cramps or how many times I've cranked her sound system to a favorite song or playlist to drown out the sound of my sobbing. I always envisioned a car seat behind me or LTL and then out fur babies in the cargo area where they would poke their heads up to check on our little miracle.

I had grand plans with/for Mallow.

So as I browse through endless car pictures and search for the perfect gas efficient all wheel drive moderately priced sedan I can't help but wonder if me getting a sedan is jinxing things.

I was raised in a neighborhood where damn near everyone had their SUV filled with kids. There weren't many mini vans, lots of suburbans and tahoes and such. I considered a Jeep the perfect starter SUV. I knew we'd easily fill it. I was so wrong.

I feel a little like I'm giving up by trading in Mallow. I feel like I'm settling. I feel like I'm sealing my fate and limiting our future. Stupid I know but I've been feeling pretty irrational lately.

Non car related story? Why yes. I have one.

Last Sunday was the in law family dinner. I expected it to be pretty normal. Not too exciting but still fun. It was so hard.

The couple with the baby were there. It was the first family dinner since he was born. As we pulled up to the grandparents house I saw their car and automatically had a hard time breathing and a panic attack began debating it's entrance into my mind for the night.

I spent the entire night staring at my phone avoiding eye contact with almost everyone and trying to not look to much at the baby. We left early and on our way home I cried. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. For me or for my sister in law.

I still feel like every time I think I have a little grasp on things and I feel like I'm making progress I get knocked flat on my ass. Yup. My ass is getting really bruised from all this.

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ICLW

Holy crap. ICLW time already? YIKES! I feel so far behind on my blog although I have very little to update about.

Here's the general idea on our story.. I don't ovulate and most likely have endo (have yet to have a scope to say for sure yes or no). Hubs (LTL) has a count of zero, zilch, NADA and we have no idea why despite the genetic testing and lotsa blood work. We decided last year to pursue adoption and have just barely handed in our application and are in the waiting phase (again). We would have started earlier but the military pulled LTL away for about 5 months. So that's where we are at this point.

Hopefully I can get a better update/post on her tonight after work. :)
Something I saw on another blog.. here's a random fact about me..

I'm a hairstylist working as an office manager at a dental office and about to head back to school to finish my degree in... Biology. I'd LOVE to work in a lab doing genetic research. :)

What's a random fact about you?


HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE!

Still not

Still not emotionally stable enough to go to a family dinner where previously mentioned couple are with their baby. I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack.


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Over the weekend

LTL and I threw caution to the wind and bought a motorcycle. Haha. I know what some people are thinking.. why do that when we have an adoption to pay for? Well, let me give you a little back story...
LTL had a cruiser when we met. We LOVED goin on rides and had a couple other couples we'd go with. It was great. A little escape of sorts. When LTL foundout he'd be gone for about 5 months he said he couldn't justify keeping it and paying insurance while he was gone and it'd be another year before he could even ride it so he decided to sell it. I don't know who was more bummed about this 'grown-up' decision, him or me. Haha.
About 2 weeks ago he began looking at bikes and cautiously mentioned it to me. My first response was, 'I want a baby more than I want another motorcycle'. Typical IF behavior, right? Well he kept looking in hopes of finding the perfect deal and he did. A brand new still in the shipping crate Yamaha for the proce of a used one. They had dropped the price roughly $3,000. So we bought it and I am obscenely happy about it.
I was trying to explain to LTL why I was so happy and why I ended up thinking it was a good move for us.. here's all I could manage and maybe some of you can make sense of it. It helps me not think of all this IF and adoption stuff. It's like a flashback to the time before IF for me. Back when things were simple and we thought we had control of our lives and future. It sounds silly as I type it. Really. I just don't know how else to explain it.. :)



Another thing.. I got an award from EBC over at and I promise I'll send it out to others soon! And THANK YOU EBC! :) It made my day. REALLY.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous Valentines Day. I think LTL and I are going to rebel and do NOTHING. Haha. You'll find this is a common occurance with us and holidays. We don't care about buying each other things, we want TIME together. ANYWHOS... BUH-BYE! Have a FANTABULOUS Monday! :)


btw I'm 99% sure I didn't post the link right.. go give EBC some love peeps.. ournewplana dot blogspot dot com

Ok.. I've been terrible

I have been downright horrible about blogging! I'm so sorry. :( In January I was working 6 days a week and I was just exhausted come Sunday. I was up each day at 5AM and falling asleep about 8 or 9 PM. Needless to say LTL was seriously patient and super neglected. I'm still waiting for my schedule to calm down a little bit.
I changed jobs. I am no longer in a salon and am SO very happy I made the switch. It's a lot less stress and drama. (Minus having an idiot assistant who can't make it to work on time the days she DOES come in. Today is most likely her last day) Ironically the pay is better where I am. I'm still doing a little bit of hair on the side and I'm going to take that $ and put it directly into our adoption fund. :) It's exciting to know I can make a little extra to go directly to adoption.

Ah the adoption. January was a total lost cause. We went to the orientation class the first Friday in January and I'm not going to lie I was overwhelmed. LTL was more sure than anything that we'd be just fine. He's a saint for real. :) I love him more than anything. We were given a packet to fill out and hand back in and I JUST BARELY got it back to the agency yesterday. It was a huge relief to hand it in but it also had me a little teary eyed. It's bittersweet. A relief to have the first step done but sad that we have such a long road ahead and it's so unknown.

It's probably a good thing that I haven't blogged much about all this stuff because I find myself pretty blasted bitter lately. It's hard to explain and I'm not even sure I understand it completely just yet. Maybe I can dive into it another day when I'm not at work avoiding doing more paperwork. Haha.

Hopefully I'll get back to posting and commenting regularly very soon. Sorry for the temporary abscence. Hope everyone is doing great!!

Happy ICLW

I'm a couple days late posting this.. SORRY! Life has kind of gotten crazy as I've been working 2 jobs and it's been 6 days a week and will continue to be that way for another week or so. Yikes!

Thanks everyone for all the support on my last post. I'm still trying to come to terms with it all but it's a VERY slow process.

On to ICLW - This is my very first time and so far I am LOVING it. I never knew just how much support and caring there would be. Everyone I have encountered has been AMAZING!!

Here's a little background and I mean LITTLE background info me and LTL (hubs). We were married 6/2008 and began TTC around 10/2008. I guess our TTC was more of leaving it up to 'chance' the first couple months.. it wasn't until 1/2010 that we finally gave up hope with our ob/gyn and headed to an RE. Testing began and we ended up with the knowledge that LTL had a sperm count of ZERO. I was recently kind of diagnosed (he wanted to wait to do a scope) with endo. Not sure how severe it is but I hurt like no other. I also lack ovulation skills. Basically we are a perfect match haha. We're ok with it though and we are beginning the adoption process. YAY!

I saw this on someone else's blog and thought I'd do something similar.
RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
1- I LOVE LOVE LOVE Biology and Genetics.
2- I always said I never wanted to get married... Then along came LTL. I was hooked. :)
3- I am seriously allergic to dogs and cats but have 2 dogs that sleep on our bed. Haha.
4- The religion I claim does not condone tattoos... I am debating on finishing my arm tattoo and might make it into a half sleeve... I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. THe most recent addition to it says Sperare Semper which means hope always and has violet flowers around it. It was added on to the Star gazer lily and Calla lily I had done a year before.
5- I used to be a total punk. I'm talking spiky purple hair, chain necklaces, spikes, bondage pants, etc. It was hilarious and I wish I had pictures to document it. Hehe
6- My hubs is FOUR years younger than me but people have a tendency to think I'm younger than him. To their defense I do act younger than I am. Hehe. What can I say, I refuse to act 29.
7- I have been seriously craving jalapeno peppers these days. It's weird.
8- I love to bake but I hate to cook. I think it's because with baking it ends up being more about sharing with others. Delivering goodies to neighbors and family is fun. :)
9- While my all time favorite band is AFI (used to be pretty hard core but not so much lately) I have a serious soft spot for Otis Redding. That man can SING.
10- I love 80'smovies and music. Probably one reason for me loving Otis (Pretty In Pink)
11- Despite my deep running love of all things punk, I was teased for my serious love of Volvos. Haha. Apparently my badass self has always had a sensible grown up side. Currently, I rock a Jeep.. I'm addicted. SERIOUSLY.
12- I dislike camping. A lot. Yet in the past couple years I find myself wanting to plan camping trips.
13- I can tan even while wearing spf45 and higher. Yes even when I re-apply as directed and follow all the rules. I'll post a pic on here later.. I look Native American but I'm a European mutt. :) I love it though.
14- My oldest sister is 41. My mother in law is 45. It's funny.
15- My family is kinda random.
*Oldest sister - Works for the state. In their substance abuse and mental health department. Married her high school sweetheart. Their child, a product of their 2nd IVF. :)
*Next oldest sister - Works for the Government as well. Communications major/masters degree. Married a redneck who lacks the use of proper english. (Hehe). Their child - came after at least 1 miscarriage.
*Oldest brother - Pastry chef turned P.A. student. Married an AWESOME chick. Their 3 kids - All flipping great. Looks like he turned out to be the only fertile in the fam.
*Brother closest in age to me - AMAZING. Marine turned massage therapist turned Army guy. Still looking for his 'one'. He's so supportive of the whole family. It's great.
Me- Hair stylist turned biology/genetics major. :) We love to be random with our careers.
*Parents- Dad is a Biologist, he teaches at a college. Mom is a scientist of sorts.. used to work in a lab doing cancer research.
16- My dogs rock mohawks
17- While I type this my dogs are laying on my feet. Luckily they're small.
18- Recently became an Apple lover. It all started with an iPhone.
19- I often times cry during sappy commercials. hehe
20- I am a VERY loyal friend until given a reason to not be. Then I'll drop you like burning hot coals.

Sorry that's all I can come up with right now.. But hopefully it was kind of entertaining for some of you.

So it happened

There is a new baby just added to the in law's side. LTL's cousin and his wife welcomed their baby on the 14th. He's the first grandchild and he arrived about 3 weeks early due to complications. Luckily both the mom and baby are doing fine despite the complications.
I should be happy about this.. right? I should want to go see them, right? I mean that's what a normal person would do, right? Then why the hell do I have absolutely NO DESIRE to see this baby? I'm feeling bitter and resentful and I don't know how to control it. I keep telling myself it's just because I've had such a long week and I'm really stressed (more on that later). But I kind of doubt it. I'll give a little backstory on the relationship between JW & RW (LTL's cousin and his wife) and DL & ML (LTL's bro and his wife( and us. It can seem slightly complicated so hold tight.. it should all make sense in the end.
LTL and I met the last part of September in '07. We clicked immediately. In November LTL moved in with his parents to save money and such (He was apparently getting ready to propose and had just bought my ring). He shared the basement with JW (cousin). The two pretty much grew up together. They were more like brothers than cousins. DL (brother) was also pretty close to them but had left to serve a mission for the church (LDS). We (LTL & JW & myself) all got along really well. We'd hang out together on occasion and we'd double and such. On December 25th 2007 LTL proposed and of course I said yes. We began planning our wedding. It was great. DL came home from his mission about a week or two before our wedding (yes it was planned that way). JW was dating this girl that was fun but kinda strange. DL was kind of seeing this girl that had written him while on his mission. We knew she'd be his wife, It was funny. So we got married the first part of June. By July 4th DL had proposed to ML (who is awesome but she is sadly going through IF treatment/testing as well. And as much as it sucks I'm grateful for it because she knows how I feel and I know how she feels and we can be supportive to each other during family things). Well DL and ML got married on October of '08. (Ironically it was right around that time that I stopped taking BC). At their reception JW brought RW. They were engaged shortly after and married in December '08. So there it is. You have 3 'brothers' all married within 6 1/2 months of each other. We thought it was cool at the time and made jokes about having anniversary trips together and really believed it'd happen. Now I know I will never travel with JW & RW. For multiple reasons..
Ok so ML and I finally realized after a while that we were both having trouble conceiving. I was already going through testing and such. I still had a good relationship with JW & RW and would talk to JW on a fairly regular basis. They were both really supportive when LTL was gone to BMT. Checking on me and whatnot. They both knew all that was going on with our IF and they knew how heartbreaking it had been each month when it didn't happen. In fact we were out to eat with them on late morning when I had to excuse myself to go take an ovulation test. The first one that came back positive and they saw first hand how exciting it was.
Fast forward to summer of '10. LTL was getting ready to leave for tech school. We knew we were headed for adoption. We were heartbroken at some of the results we'd received and everyone knew it was really hard on us. He left in June. He was set to return in early November or late October. The first Friday in August I contacted an agency. We had a birthmom that was semi interested in us. She was going through them. I explained the situation (LTL being stuck in TX) and they basically told us there was nothing they could do to help and she wouldn't be able to place with us. I was devastated. I cried. A LOT. Randomly after that phone call I received one from JW asking what was up. I explained and he was shocked. In the same conversation he said 'I sure hope we don't have trouble getting pregnant'. I switched from trying to calm myself down to try to be supportive of him. Stupid stupid me. (You'll read why in a little bit). So there I was drying my own tears with the sleeve of my hoodie trying to 'calm his nerves and worries'. I drove to pick up my dogs and went to my MIL's house. Explained what happened and she was great about it. Then I headed to work. Mind you LTL is gone and I'm trying my best to cope with all this.
I don't remember when it happened. I just remember it was after my experience with the agency. It could have been 2 weeks after as that sounds about right. I had gone to my in laws to pick up my dogs. (They puppy sat a lot during the day for me so the boys weren't locked up for long hours during the day) I remember my MIL sent me a text asking me to stay until they got home. I was in a so so mood. Work had been draining and I was tired. Turns out she wanted me to stay so I could eat with them. Very thoughtful. I should have left though as I had an uneasy feeling about the night.
She made delicious sandwiches. Roast beef, provolone and I don't remember what else. I got about halfway through it when her cell phone rang. It was JW. He directed her to go outside. They had left something for her and my FIL. The tone in her voice was weird as she opened the card. Her face dropped and she stared at me. I think deep down I knew what it was but I thought it couldn't be. He had just told me he hoped they didn't have issues like we did. She said these words, 'Well M3MU is here....Yeah' and she handed me the card. It had some cheesy ass saying of when does 1 + 1 = 3 on the outside. I opened it. Ya know what was inside? Any guesses? What's just about the cruelest thing to hand to someone who wants so desperately to have a baby?



A FUCKING ULTRASOUND PICTURE. No... wait.. there were THREE.


The next words out of my mouth were, 'you've got to be fucking kidding me.. Uhhh I mean congrats?' The first part was semi mumbled. My MIL was still on the phone with JW. I was in a daze. I remember that sandwich feeling really heavy in my stomach. I felt like I was choking. Eventually my MIL got off the phone. I thanked them for dinner and told them I'd be on my way home now. My MIL then said something I NEVER thought I'd hear from her.. 'Why leave? You're just gonna go home and cry. You should stay'. EXCUSE ME? Am I not allowed to feel hurt and betrayed? He should have told me himself. Not made me feel bad for them that day in early August. My response to her? 'Oh you really think I'll get home and cry? I don't expect to make it out of the driveway before I start sobbing' and with that I left.
I didn't even make it into my car. I cried the whole 30ish minutes home. LTL was miles and miles away and didn't at the time understand why it was so hard on me. It was horrible. I'm getting sick feeling even typing this and the tears are beginning to stream down my face.
I avoided all family functions JW & RW were to attend OR I made damn sure I had taken a Xanax. I finally told JW why I was avoiding them and his response was something like 'oh well'. So we all became very distant.
Just last month MIL told me that ML and I needed to throw RW a baby shower as JW doesn't have any sisters. I FREAKED. I told her there was no way I was going to do that. There was absolutely no way I could. I didn't even think I could attend one as I've been avoiding them like the plague for 2 1/2 years. We debated for a while and finally she gave up. So things are tense all the way around because of this situation.
Now JW & RW are parents. They've succeeded where LTL and I have failed on epic levels. They've been given the one thing that LTL and I truly want. (DL and ML want it as well)
JW was unemployed when RW got preg. She was working full time and he had no intention of finding a job. He's LAZY. I had a little chat with him one day and I think I'm one of the main reasons why he did... My sister's hub was unemployed when she was preg and when she gave birth to their daughter. One month she was back at work. We all resented him. She did as well. It has been a cause for tension in the family. He still only works part time. He's lazy. So after giving JW this info it was about a month and he found a job. I was so frustrated that they would try for a baby and succeed when he was FIRED from a job that he should have been able to keep, they are living in a small crappy apartment and just really not ready financially to care for a child. THEY are given the gift of a child and yet LTL and I have our own place, we're financially stable to care for a child, both have jobs that pay very well, have great supportive parents, and have an amazing marriage and we're denied by God or whatever higher power people opt to believe in? Bullshit I tell you. Complete and utter BULLSHIT. I know those things don't matter. It's just a frustration I have. Especially because LTL and I are about to have every aspect of our lives investigated into and have to prove we can financially care for a child just to be given the opportunity to adopt. It's twisted and I feel sick just typing that.
So now what? How do I handle seeing them at family dinners and family functions? Do I stop going? Or only go if they won't be there? What do I do when all anyone wants to talk about is this new addition? How do I hold back tears? How do I keep my eyes from looking so sad? How do I move on?

A brief post until my real post gets typed up

I don't know if I'll ever be able to hear about a pregnancy or birth of someone I know without feeling like a failure or without shedding a few tears because I feel sorry for myself (and LTL). LTL's cousin is in the hospital with his wife as she is in labor. More on all this later. Time to go to work.


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Things I can't post on my other blog..

These things I can't post on my personal, private blog.....

So trying to work yesterday was total hell. My mind was completely wrapped up in the previous day's orientation. I had massive issues trying to pay attention to anything. Hopefully my clients couldn't tell too much! My mind is still racing.

I'm 99.9% set on adoption. I don't know why I let that itty bitty thought about donor sperm get into my mind. It's not like it will save us any money. I'd have to be on injectables since LTL isn't our only issue. (I don't know if I mentioned this before but I don't ovulate regularly... at all... and in September my Dr told me he's pretty sure I have Endo. So who knows if donor would have been a good idea anyway.)

So we filled out our paperwork and I hope to hand it back in soon. I'll call Monday and see if I need to drop it off in person or if I can mail it in. Our next step is our intake papers and interview. It's weird to think that they have to accept us even though we fit all their requirements. Makes me nervous. Like we won't be good enough. What if we don't mesh well with our case worker/social worker? What if he/she doesn't like us? It just makes me a little sick to my stomach. I still have a hard time thinking that our family's future depends on other people. It's something I would like to have a little more control over so I'm slowly learning and working on letting go of the reins.

LTL is absolutely great with all this. He's so calm about all this. I don't know if he's holding it in or if he's just that ok with it all. On Friday at lunch he just kept telling me things were ok and we'd be fine. I actually asked him if he thought our marriage could withstand all this (something that they talked about a LOT in the orientation) and his response was something like, 'well it better!' which put a smile on my face. I figure that if we can withstand his leaving for basic training for 8ish weeks then almost a year later leaving for 4 1/2+ months all while dealing with IF and a less than sane MIL and living in a neighborhood where we all too often feel like outcasts we'll be just fine. :) Maybe we just thrive in all this? No matter what happens I know I can count on him being supportive.

Random side note about work... I can't freaking wait to be done there. Of all the stupid things to get to me, yesterday a co-worker/'friend' made me feel like crap. We usually trade services and have for a while. She knows I need/want stuff done and she does too but schedules have been rough to mesh. So yesterday the first thing is she's acting like she's better than me. Or at least that's how it feels.. (please woman.... in no way are you better than me.. nor am I better than her). So I'm super quiet and not saying much. I'm sitting down and she's by me as is another person and right in front of me she tells the person she wants her to do the services instead of me. Whatever. It shouldn't bug me but it just made me feel like total crap. She didn't have to do it in front of me. It actually hurt my feelings which I hate to admit. Of course all this falls after she's done a few other things that make me question being friends/co-workers with her. Blah. This is one of many reasons why I have a hard time being friends with other women. Feelings get in the way. I'd tell her what I thought but I still have to work there for a while. I've had much better luck being friends with guys. It's point blank. If there is an issue you say it and get over it. There isn't dwelling on an issue as much... Ok I lied.. some of my guys friends are just plain bitches (pardon). They're drama. Good hell are they DRAMA. Lately I've distanced myself from them as well. I almost feel like I'm back in high school trying to 'clean house' on the friend list. BLAH...
Anywho. Gotta get off the laptop and get ready. I'm hoping I can snag a couple minutes with our someone in our church to discuss the adoption thing briefly.. and give a heads up that he'll have to give a letter of approval. *sigh* LTL is at drill so I'll be going alone.
Laters people. Hope you have a wonderful relaxing Sunday..

Today's Adoption Orientation

Today LTL and I went to the orientation class for our adoption agency. We got a lot of info and a packet to go through sign and return. I'd be lying if I said I felt total relief after the class but I didn't and that worries me. A LOT. LTL and I went out to lunch after and it was nice having more 1 on 1 time with him as the next 6ish weeks are going to be rough.
My mind has been unable to stop racing despite the taking of a xanax at lunch. There are 2 classes we HAVE to attend and one of the days I have a schedule conflict. I'm not supposed to be taking any time off the first 6 weeks at work but I may end up having to ask about it as the next class wouldn't be until JUNE. (which is when a certain expectant mother is due that is considering placing her baby and has been kind of thinking of us) They only do these classes 4 times a year. I think that is the major cause of this chick's racing mind. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach. It made it so I could barely eat lunch. I want so badly to jump into all this and the fact that there is a potential problem just makes me want to cry. I know I'm over reacting but that doesn't make it any easier.
On the major upside we found out how they charge and when they expect certain fees and IT'S SOOOO POSSIBLE! They only ask for $1,000 at the beginning and then the rest is due at placement!! Which definitely gives us time to save up some more $$. We could actually pay cash for it. That part makes me happy. Really happy.
Here's the super stressful and extremely random part... I actually starting wondering if we should have tried donor sperm. It's something that we both decided against yet it has popped up in my head a few times. It's weird it's random it's stressful and it's making me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I was 100% sure I was over this whole getting preg deal. Now it's just sitting in the back of my mind bouncing around like a rubber ball with no direction.
I guess my next step is to spend some serious time thinking/praying.etc about all this. I'm going to try to talk to our church person and see if he has any council on it all.

Anyone have any fabulous suggestions on sifting through all this stuff? Haha

Tapping out

I feel like I should be tapping out like wrestlers or whoever do when things have gotten to be too much. I just want to disappear from things for a while. There are a million and one pregnancy announcements going around and I'm feeling like I'm at the end of my rope ready to strangle myself. (not really. It's just the only thing I could come up with dealing with a rope, haha)

I walked out of church on Sunday. It wasn't just the baby blessings (Although it usually is). Everyone that got up and talked was either depressing, thoughtless or just kinda bonkers. There were talks about babies dying, suicide attempts and one case of pregnancy being thrown in the face of 'infertiles'. So I decided one of my New Years resolutions/goals is to not sit and listen to nonsense and stuff that makes me feel worse. I have this theory that church isn't supposed to make you feel worse it's supposed to be uplifting and make you feel better than when you walked in. So no more sitting through painful talks and such.

Friday we have our orientation class with the adoption agency we are going through. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm emotional. I'm so nervous/scared to think that we are about to leave us becoming parents to an agency and a birth mother. I'm nervous about the cost. I hope they don't want a large lump sum. I think they allow payment along the way. Boy oh boy I'm scared shitless.

I don't know what I can do to make the time pass by faster.. or slower. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep well tonight or tomorrow night. I'm at a total loss. I have some sleep meds to help but I've got to be up early tomorrow so I can help out at my brother in laws office (his office manager AND dental assistant are no longer with the office. A house cleaning of sorts.)

In other realms of my life I've begun making changes. I'm doing a MAJOR career change. Currently I'm a hairstylist and have been for 10+ years. In September I left the day spa I'd been working at for 5 years to go to a booth rent salon that is a lot more hip and edgy. WELL, I just accepted a job offer at a financial institution for a full time 40 hour a week position. It's a gigantic change for me. It's been a long time since I worked for a large corporation of sorts. The best thing is they have amazing benefits. Good enough that if LTL wanted to cut back hours while he is in school he could and we'd have as good of insurance as we have now. (It's pretty damn good. It was willing to cover $15,000 of IF expenses over a lifetime which I thought was great. I wish all insurance companies covered IF expenses without a limit. If they did we might still be trying for a biological baby) I'm really hoping that this will relieve some stress for LTL. It'll also relieve some stress for me by leaving the salon scene. I'm ready to be done.

My wrist and shoulder just can't take it anymore. I had surgery about 7 years ago on my shoulder and it didn't really work. I'm in a LOT of pain a lot of the time. It's frustrating. I'm really going to miss my clients. I think I'll try to still do some hair on the side but I doubt a lot of clients will want to come to a home salon that lacks a credit card machine. It's just not close to the level of professionalism they're used to. A problem that I'm trying to fix is, I don't know who I'm going to refer my clients to. I have a friend at work that in theory I could refer them to but most of the personalities aren't going to mesh and she licks balls at men's hair and I have a fair amount of male clients. So I'm torn. So much stress this week. It's exhausting!

Well, time is up for me today. My wrist and shoulder are begging me to give them a break. So I'm gong to hurry and make comments on a few blogs and go figure out what to make for dinner. Peace out peeps. Hope you're having an absolutely splendid day.

Legit friends

Don't just say they wish they could help. They plot ways to help. They research ways to help. They want it for you almost as much as you want it for yourself. They randomly message you in the AM asking what's wrong when you hadn't even told your hubs you were feeling down. I've got 11 months until I hit 30 and I'm still learning the difference between acquaintances, fair weather friends, stormy weather friends, friends and legit friends. I thought this shit got better/easier after high school.


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A New Year Has Begun

And I thought I'd wake filled with piss and vinegar ready to take on the world.

I'm not.

So much for all that optimism posted last night. I feel as though I've settled back into a feeling if disappointment, sorrow and jealousy. Maybe it's because I'm still tired, should probably be in bed still but am working today.


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