C'est moi

I have lost the will to blog.

Reflection

I've been going thru a kind of personal crisis lately. I've started thinking about my life, the things I've done, choices I've made and the direction I'm heading to now. I never thought my life would be this way. It was never what I planned at all.

I see the lives of my friends and family, how perfect or unjust they are, a mixture of experiences and situations and backgrounds that I sometimes envy but also sometimes bersyukur that it's not happening to me. MILs from hell, loads of money and vacations abroad, attentive or inattentive spouses, unruly children, divorce, new babies, fantastic jobs, no money and a pile of debts. It's happening all around me, and I do my best to sift through the lot and jadikan sebagai iktibar dan pengajaran. All these experiences have taken me back to my beginnings, back to God. I'm working harder to be a good Muslim so that God will light my way and protect me in all this darkness.

In the light of the latest challenge God has thrown my way, I've decided that I'm going to stand up and fight. I refuse to lie down and cry my eyes out. I believe that there is a purpose and hikmah to this, whether it's meant to be a catalyst for a major change in myself or just to make me open my eyes and see what's going on, wallahu'alam. I am a strong Muslim woman. I am a wife. I am a mother. Just see how strong I can be, you'll probably be surprised.

After much inner-searching and contemplation, I've decided the only purpose and meaning of my life is my family. My husband and children. My parents and PILs. My siblings. Being a banker is only secondary. Money is easy come, easy go. But a family and true love, these things are a gift. Ya Allah, make me stronger. A good Muslim, good wife, a good daughter, a good mother, that's all I ask. Bless my family, and make us healthy and happy always. Amin.

Am I making sense? Probably not. I am feeling a little crazy today.

Implosion

I'm having some low days. You the ones I mean. The days when it seems like everything conspires against you, everyone is happier than you in their perfect lives and no one in the world is your friend. Doesn't help that the husband has been super busy at work lately and my BFF is away for 2 weeks.

Don't mind me. I'll be just fine in a few days.

My Dangerous Hobby

No lah... I haven't taken up anything potentially life-threatening like base jumping or shark-baiting. If you read my previous post on 15/3, you'd know that I was starting a... ahem... program to lose some of this extra baggage I've been lugging around. I'm happy to report that in the past month, as a result of my drastically changing my eating habits and snacking on tasteless yet healthy snacks, I've lost around 2kg. Not a big difference, granted, but still a step in the right direction, yes? My pants do seem a bit loose and my wobbly bits aren't quite as wobbly as before, so when I started this new hobby, you can see that I have just cause to panic. You see, I've recently taken up baking.

I've always liked baking, better than normal cooking, actually. I just love that lovely delicious aroma of freshly baked cakes and cookies that fill the whole house. Now, I'm not saying I'm a particularly good baker. Not all my cakes and cookies turn out perfectly. I have secretly thrown out entire batches of cookies that were left too long in the oven. My brownies have been known to be bizarre looking. I've never had any formal training apart from a two-day cupcake decorating course at a local bakery supply shop. I'm more of a trial-and-error type of baker. And happily, my adiks who are my guinea pigs more often than not, scarf down my baking results without any untoward incident. And my butterscotch cake does get rave reviews during Hari Raya. Okay, so the ones who raved were both my grandmothers, but at least I do have a good cake to be remembered by. "Kek ni... cucu cek yang buat sendiri!" *applause*

Okay, so, what sparked off my rekindled romance with baking was my purchase of an electric oven recently. It's just a tiny little thing, a 32l with a rotisserie function, but it has served me splendidly. Already I've churned out a batch of brownies (had to start with brownies, my fav dessert), muffins, bread pudds and cookies. I've posted pics of my baked creations below, but unless you specifically request for them, I won't be posting the recipes. That's like taking credit for something that is free on the Internet, which is where most of the recipes come from, anyway.

And please pardon them if they look a bit dodgy and blurry. First of all most of the pics were taken using my phone camera, and secondly... well, I am a fledgling baker after all.

* the chewy brownies that popped the cherry on my oven *


* chocolate cheese muffins *


* smarties & chocolate chip cookies *


* mini bread puddings (assisted by Eez) *

After scarfing down cookies over the weekend, I gained 400g (stats courtesy of my digital scale). Back to rabbit food and fat-free bleurghs tomorrow. Cheers!