Thoughts on being loved

There's a place of quiet rest,
A place where sin cannot molest,
Near to the heart of God.
There's a place of comfort sweet,
A place where we our Savior meet,
Near to the heart of God

There's a place of full release,
A place where all is joy and peace,
Near to the heart of God.

Those are the lyrics (more or less, trying to remember) to a song from the Lullabies album by Page CXVI that I've listened to a ton and found a lot of comfort in. If you haven't heard Page CXVI, and you like hymns, you should check them out. You can get a ton of their music for free on Noisetrade this month in fact. Yay for Noisetrade! http://noisetrade.com/pageandautumn/

I ordered the album the day I miscarried, and I listened to it a ton that next day. All the songs are great, but that last song just really hit a chord - a place of quiet rest, where all is joy and peace, where sin can't get and ruin. I want to be there, and my little one is there. He or she bypassed this world to go straight to that place near the heart of God. What a comforting thought!

Quite a few people have mentioned having friends that have had a miscarriage and not knowing how to respond or encourage, so I thought it might be helpful to write about how we were (and continue to be) loved by our friends and family in this season of sadness. I definitely didn't know how to respond when a friend of mine had a miscarriage last summer, and I don't think that's an uncommon thing, despite miscarriages being so common. I had no idea that they were so common until discovering in these last few months that so many women that I know have had one.

So, here are some things people did for us that held us up. A friend brought dinner over the day after, and she, having had a miscarriage, knew that I was a mess and probably didn't want to actually talk to anyone yet, so she brought dinner and left it on the porch - just sent me a message saying that dinner was there. She left a sweet and very encouraging note with scripture in it taped to dinner, but her thoughtfulness in leaving it without asking me to be presentable was a gift. Another friend made dinner for us a few weeks later, and although it wasn't that I couldn't make dinner like when you're sick or just had a baby, it was so encouraging to know that we were loved, that someone would take the time to make us food and bring it over, and that we were being prayed for. My mom called every day for that first week and prayed with me and just listened. My best friend also prayed for me over the phone, and those prayers were hugely comforting and uplifting. My parents-in-law offered sweet hugs that next weekend when we had to travel for a wedding, and nobody mentioned anything at the wedding, which was a gift because I was not ready to talk about it and was still on the verge of tears at that point. My sister-in-law, who also had a miscarriage, has been super sensitive and sweet about her pregnancy and has prayed non-stop for us. A friend of mine still calls just about every week to see how I'm doing and she is such a good listener. That is something huge that you can do for a friend who has had this experience - keep asking how you can pray, keep listening, even months after. I know everyone is different, and maybe some don't want to ever mention it again, but at least for me it has been hugely encouraging to be asked how I'm doing.

What should I title this?

The Lord is good,
    a stronghold in the day of trouble;
he knows those who take refuge in him. Nahum 1:7

I feel like I've needed to post for awhile but have had a hard time figuring out how to start. So, the verse above is one that I've clung to over the last couple months as I've struggled through a miscarriage, and that seems like the best way to begin this. I found out that I was pregnant with Baby Munchkin #2 in October, and in November (Thanksgiving week) I found out that his or her heart was no longer beating. I actually miscarried a couple weeks later in what was a far more painful and awful experience than I'd anticipated. Through it all, God has been unbelievably present, good, and faithful to hold my heart and my hand, and I've felt over the last month that I need to be very open and honest about this experience. There's a sense in this that I should keep this experience secret - it makes people uncomfortable, it makes me sad, and there's that nagging feeling that there just might have been something I could have done to prevent it. The truth though is that there is absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent it (and, my doctor says there was nothing I did to cause it either) and that God is in complete control over life and death always. He didn't forget about me or about this little life. In being open about it, hopefully I can encourage other women who go through a miscarriage, and I can give glory to God for being steadfast and in control and GOOD over and over and over in a public and verbal way.

So, what to say about it all? First, I think that I need to say that God is good and that he does good. Always. When my doctor did the ultrasound at 8 weeks and we discovered that munchkin's heart was no longer beating, she started by saying that "someone" was watching out for me because most miscarriages occur because of chromosomal problems, and that it is much more difficult to say goodbye to a baby that I've carried to term and who only lives a few hours or days outside the womb, than one I've only just begun to think about, and by the end of the conversation she was saying "God"...And she's absolutely right about that. Although Marc and I were thrilled about this baby and I was so looking forward to meeting him or her, I hadn't started to feel any little baby fluttery movements yet and the only signs that I was really pregnant were an incredible fatigue and a really irritating carsickness that wouldn't let up. I was heartbroken to get this news about a baby who had been around for a mere 7 weeks and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child that you've already met. There is so much dreaming that you do when you're pregnant - wondering what this baby will be like, and what he or she will grow up to be, and how you're going to welcome them into the family, and I'd just barely begun to do that with this little one. My doctor, bless her, also explained the science behind most miscarriages and that was pretty comforting - knowing what likely caused it and that I truly didn't cause it or could have prevented it from happening. She gave me the option of having a D&C (where the baby would be surgically removed) or to let my body do what it knows how to do, and I opted for plan B. The thought of this little one being cut out was terrible, and even though he or she wasn't alive anymore, it just seemed like I should provide a warm and safe home as long as I could. So that brought on waiting and waiting and waiting...feeling cramps and thinking it could be any minute for 2 weeks. It turns out that the kind of cramps during a miscarriage are unmistakable, but I didn't realize that it would be basically a mini-labor. When it finally did happen, I cried and hyperventilated my way through it and I was so very glad for Marc and his comfort. Throughout this whole experience I've been SO glad to have Marc as my encourager, and my truth-speaker, and my love. He has been exceptionally wonderful. In the time since then, I've grieved and I've experienced joy and such peace. God has spoken so tenderly to my heart, and He's given me hope and reminded me over and over and over that he is in control and he loves me, and he loved that little one too. It's not easy, and I think that I'll always have a little place in my heart for Baby #2, and I hope that I'll get to meet him or her when I get to heaven, but for now I'm held safely in God's plan and it is a good plan. 
God has given me such a gift in Marc and in Archer. They bring so much joy and laughter, and Marc can withstand the hurricane that my tears become sometimes. I'm looking forward to trying again for another munchkin, and although I will have to fight fear as we move forward, I'm excited to see what God brings to our family. 
This post feels a little disjointed and weird, but I think it'll be the first of many. God has just been so good and I want to be obedient in not hiding this experience. 

Just a little something

This picture cracks me up! My friend had it on her pinterest board, and her caption was "I was sooooo cold". Ha!

Where to start?

It's almost been a year since I last posted! Maybe I can catch up this summer... no promises though : ). This has been a tough year and a wonderful year. The theme that God seems to keep speaking to me about is remembering...
Remembering what He's done in my heart
Remembering how faithful He has always been
Remembering what brings me joy and Who the Author of that JOY is...

So, today, here's a bit of the joy. Archer is 13 months old now and he is a little ball of joy. He talks nonstop these days (most of it sounding like another language) and he laughs a ton and he's started to dance to just about anything even remotely resembling music. He makes me laugh daily! He reminds me of his father's joy in a lot of ways, but especially in the way that he screams (literally) with delight pretty frequently. Marc doesn't scream, but he does get loud sometimes, just for the joy of making noise. I think that might be a boy thing...
Anyway, so Archer loves books. I took him to the library today for the first time and he picked out 2 books out of a pile, and was so excited about them that he proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs with delight. He didn't want to let go of them long enough for me to check them out, and then once we got back into the car, he "read them" to himself just about the whole trip home. He was laughing and screaming and talking to the pictures in the books (I guess), just having a good ol' time back there in his carseat. Something about his excitement just makes my heart squeeze. I guess nerdiness is genetic, because I love the library and I love books too! His screams of joy in the library were pretty funny, partially because the library was quiet and partially because this is MY son who is screaming (coming from the girl who has been accused of not talking before). In the midst of my laughter (and, I'll admit it, my pride at having a book-loving son), I am just SO very grateful for God's answers to our prayers. We prayed for Archer to have a heart full of joy, and he does. We prayed for our home to be a home full of joy, and much of the time it is. In this year where sometimes joy is hard to find within (I've struggled with postpartum depression, maybe I'll write about that someday), God has given me a little boy who reminds me daily that God is the giver of Joy and that He's given me my very own tangible little gift of joy. And, as a bonus, my little ball of joy likes to give me kisses and hugs and is, in fact, my very own little cuddler. Being a mom brings out the sap in me! But I love it! Thank you Lord for laughter and a heart filled with Joy!

new music, a recipe, and a picture

First, here's a picture of my sweet boy. He's been smiling and laughing and talking up a storm and I love it! I had no idea babies were so fun...little did I know!

Second, I just discovered Josh Garrels' music and it is SO good! You can get his album for free on his website or on noisetrade (which, by the way, is a great site for getting new music). I'm not really sure how to describe his sound...different, eclectic, creative, melodic...I like it a whole lot.

And finally, I made this for dinner tonight and remembered how good it is, so I thought I should post it in case you need a new recipe to try. This actually came from my mom's Weight Watchers cook book.

Caribbean Black Beans & Chicken (Serves 4, takes approx. 30 min to cook)

1 1/2 t canola oil

3/4 lb skinless, boneless chicken breasts, cut into 1 in. pieces

1/2 t salt

1 sm. onion, chopped (I skip this ingredient)

2 lg jalapenos, seeded & minced - wear gloves! (leave some seeds in if you want some heat)

1 T fresh ginger, peeled and minced (I use a small root and don't bother to actually measure)

2 garlic cloves, minced

1 15 oz. can black beans, drained and rinsed

1/2 c orange juice

1/2 t dried thyme

1/4 t ground allspice

1 c diced fresh pineapple

1/4 c fresh cilantro, chopped

Heat 1 t oil in a large nonstick skillet over med-hi heat. Add chicken; sprinkle with 1/4 t salt and cook, turning occasionally, until browned and cooked through, about 5 min. Transfer to a plate. Add remaining 1/2 t oil to same skillet, then add onion, jalapenos, ginger, and garlic. Cook over med-hi heat, stirring often, until onion is golden, about 4 min. Stir in the beans, orange juice, thyme, allspice, and remaining 1/4 t salt and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer uncovered about 2 minutes. Return chicken to the skillet and heat through, about 1 minute. Serve with pineapple and cilantro.

Tonight I also baked some corn bread (just the Jiffy box) and we put a piece of cornbread on the bottom of a bowl, then topped that with the chicken and beans, and then put pineapple on top of that. I thought it was pretty delish.

Check this out!

So cool!

Interesting Thoughts

Marc and I have been reading Sacred Parenting, by Gary Thomas, together and so far it's been great. We're not very far in, but the first couple chapters have been very thought provoking. Here's a quote from Chapter 2:

"Abigail (Adams) wrote this profound comment to her son: 'It is not in the still calm of life...that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised, and animated by scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant, wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman.'"

and from the end of the chapter:

"Sacred parenting calls me to accept the hardest hurt of all - for the sake of God's kingdom and for the sake of our children's own development. I need to allow my kids to face challenges, failure, rejection, and pain, and then teach them to use these seemingly negative events to fuel their sense of mission and to foster their dependence on God."

Shenanigans, Sanity, and Steadfast Love

As usual, it's been a long time since I've posted, sorry about that to anyone who might still read this. I've actually had a lot of "I should post about this" thoughts in the last couple months, but no time to do so...or actually, when there was time, no desire to do so. Hence another 3 month absence. So, I survived the 9th month of pregnancy, and I survived labor and delivery, and I survived the first month of motherhood. All I want to say about the end of pregnancy is that I was really glad it was the end, and all I want to say about labor is that although it was really hard (labor turns out to be a really fitting name!) and I hurt a whole lot afterwards, I'd do it again and it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. And that brings me to motherhood...

First, I love being a mother. I secretly wondered after I discovered that I was prego whether I would miss being just the 2 of us and whether I would really just be a mom or whether I'd have to sort of fake it until I felt like a mom. In hindsight, I loved Archer before he got here and I love him more each day. I feel like a mom and I love being a mom and I'm glad it's the 3 of us now. It feels right that it's the 3 of us. What an incredible change God made in my heart, from not wanting kids at all just a few years ago! And speaking of changes God has made, is making, motherhood seems to have launched me into the "you have an incredibly dark heart that needs to be lit up" phase of life. I've had a lot of meltdowns since April 29th (Archer's birthday), most of which have been started because of the dog situation, but many of which have also been over not knowing what to do and being generally overwhelmed. If you remember a few posts back, our dog Kya had 5 puppies in mid March. We knew there would be some overlap between pups and baby because they were only 5 wks old when Archer was born, however I thought that it would be easy to sell those puppies by the time they were 8 weeks old and thought that I could do anything for 3 weeks. Ha, WELL, they have not been so easy to sell...in fact, we still have 2 left and they are almost 14 weeks old. While the pups are very, very cute, they also make an unbelievable amount of mess and noise and, because I'm a softy, I worry about them a ton. If they're outside, I worry that they'll get hurt or get out of the fence or that the big dogs are being mean, and when they're inside I feel bad about keeping them locked in the mud room and not letting them run around and play and cuddle with us in the rest of the house. I can't say that I'm a clean freak...in fact, messiness has always been somewhat ok with me, but the state of our house pushes me over the edge on a pretty regular basis because of the amount of dirt that is everywhere, and the lovely smell of excrement that frequently peppers the air. I do have to say that it was MUCH worse - just 2 pups is a whole lot easier than 5, and they're starting to understand the concept of pottying outside as well which is VERY exciting! Ok, so back to the meltdowns, I have cried a lot of tears over the mess, over the worry, and, embarrassingly enough, over being mad at God for not selling our dogs in a timely fashion. I had prayed and prayed for the dogs to be sold to good homes and I didn't understand why they just lingered here and I was ticked about it - I mean, didn't God see that I needed a clean(er) house for my little son, and quiet for my own sanity, and less of a burden on my shoulders? He was fully capable of finding the puppies good homes and He hadn't. The day I realized what exactly I was feeling and why I was crying, I was horrified. Mad...at the God of the Universe...because He wasn't following my timeline and my life was so "hard"... sigh. So that was the first of the dark heart realizations. I've also realized that I don't think I actually really believed that God does what is good. I always thought I knew that and would have proudly told you that I believed God was good, but then I had a son and I started to worry about him. The first day that I was by myself with Archer was hard. I felt like I had the sole responsibility and weight of keeping him alive on my shoulders, and so I cried and cried and checked to make sure he was breathing about 8000 times. That night we had a tornado warning, and the news made it look like it was coming straight through our town. I grew up in a place where there are really no natural disasters ever, so the thought of a tornado is terrifying to me, all the more so because now I have a son to protect and all those people in Joplin had just experienced a terrible tornado a few days before. So, I nervously waited in the bathroom with the dogs and Archer while Marc watched the weather channel just about as carefree as could be. The tornado didn't pass through after all, and when Marc and I were talking about it and my reaction to it, I came to the terrible conclusion that I didn't trust God to do what was good. I've also realized in the past few weeks that I somehow think that God owes me. Right, you read that correctly. How ridiculous and how shameful a feeling! I am so blessed to have a God who doesn't give up on me though, but who uses things like motherhood and puppies to bring me to my knees. I've been reading a lot of Psalms with Archer. Psalms are about all I can mentally handle these days, and I read them aloud while I'm feeding Archer...kind of goofy, I know he can't understand them, but it feels like I should start planting seeds now, so I read Psalms to my 8 week old child. Over and over and over again the Holy Spirit is pointing out to me that God loves steadfastly, and that is one of the most wonderful attributes God has in my opinion. God's heart is steadfast when mine is in bad shape, and He will continue to work. Here's the verse that has been my retreat for the last month or so:

Psalm 69:13

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.

At an acceptable time, O God,

in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.