Friday, December 9, 2011
Autumn Cloud
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Dots
Saturday, August 27, 2011
My Fan
Thursday, August 4, 2011
To a Youth
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Sketch of a Young Soul
When Melanie was twelve she was given an introduction to the Catholic tradition of mental prayer. From this instruction in the classroom there arose an exchange of letters between herself and the teacher based on the Carmelite tradition of prayer and St. Thomas Aquinas.
From a young age she had loved the stories of the saints and when she moved to the Catholic school in the city, away from the little country school she had attended for the first three years of elementary education, her great delight was the library.
In it she found the Bobsey Twins, which led to Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys but more importantly, a junior series on the lives of the saints. She had worked her way through them all before she sat in the desk in the Grade Seven classroom and became a student of prayer. In this peaceful and orderly setting she explored the questions that entered her mind and at the end of the year, with the permission of her parents, her teacher became her spiritual director.
The next year she entered the large public school and the teen-age years of emotional development with its ups and downs. That year she had had a premonition of the enormous cost of the spiritual life and she had recoiled in fright. The Divine fisherman had given her lots of line to run from Him and the results had been mentally distressing. Being lost in the woods of life was excruciating.
Her youthful pride had led her to believe that the graces she had received were very commonly given.
She was aware of external traps to be avoided but her effect upon other people and her own inner thoughts lacked awareness and self-control. Nor did she understand that idolatry is a subtle master.
Sitting on the Lourdes wharf, the summer camp not far from her home, one late autumn afternoon in the sunshine, Melanie faced into her fifteen year old self and found that she wanted a foot in both the world and the spiritual life. Why couldn't she have both, why was there a choice to be made? Now at fifteen, faced with the need to change sheer wilfulness into the pursuit of a real spiritual life she obeyed her director and settled down to become a docile student once again.
This choice brought her into conflict with the other adults in her life: her parents, parish priest and, indirectly, the bishop. She was forbidden the necessary contact with her spiritual director which resulted in great unhappiness as well as many rebellious attitudes on her part. It was a stormy year.
The summer Melanie turned sixteen she met some priests and young people from Kelowna at the summer camp. When autumn approached she made a last minute decision, encouraged by the principal, to move to that city for grade eleven in the only Catholic high school in the diocese. Her parents reluctantly agreed to this strange twist in events, perhaps feeling, as she did, that a break in the tension and impasse between them would be welcome.
It was a lonely year in many ways. It took four attempts to find a home, each move and circumstance made her grow up a little more.
Being young and full of energy she joined the school drama club and played the lead role in the autumn drama, an old maid who commits murder, and in the spring she had the comedic role in the school musical.
Guitar masses were sweeping through North American liturgies, youth movements such as Search were happening all over the diocese. She joined the youth choir, singing the folksy tunes that were making the rounds and more legitimately, she did music for the Search week-ends where folk music actually had a real place.
She taught Grade Two catechism and learned she wasn't a teacher. Controlling the rambunctious boys took all her energy and when they made their First Communion, at long last, she hoped that something real had penetrated their little heads. She also joined a Charismatic prayer group. She was the only young person involved and although the older women liked her company and were kind she quit soon afterwards. She had to admit to herself that she was just making things up and felt uncomfortable.
In the late spring a workshop was given by a free lancing Carmelite nun. The workshop's theme did not remain in her memory. What did remain was the experience of spiritual restlessness. Or was it just the novelty factor, the flavor of the month? Whatever the original intention, the week-end event turned into an experiment in defying Eucharistic discipline. Promoted by this nun, it was decided by the participants that Anglicans and Roman Catholics should be able to share the Eucharist and so they did. When Melanie reported this to her director he was indignant and scolded her for being involved. She felt ashamed but somewhat defiant, mostly through ignorance and not wanting to criticize the adults she had looked up to.
The summer of her seventeenth birthday saw her filled with the conflicting experiences of the past year. She wanted to return for grade twelve in Kelowna even though in her heart of hearts she knew it wouldn't work. She had to face into the reality of having a spiritual director who told her to return home and dig in. Melanie was torn in two directions. How could she obey? It was so difficult. She knew her parents could not afford another year yet, inside, she resisted the truth.
One hot summer day she rode her bike into town, buffeted by a spiritual headwind. All she could do was pedal and when the dreaded interview was over and she had agreed to obey she was astonished at how happy and free she felt. At peace once again with herself and her parents she found the freedom she had longed for. Her Dad gave her a small car and everything about her life fell into place.
The next autumn after graduating from high school she moved out of her parents’ house and into town to be with her spiritual companions and attend the local Catholic university college. Her life began to change. One day in the previous year upon entering the church she had had a brief vision of a man she did not recognize. Later she had another glimpse at this stranger and she began to suspect that for all her talk and activity in his name she didn't know him.
One day he appeared directly to her and asked her what penance she was going to do.
"Penance, what penance?" she had answered Christ.
There was silence. Her rudeness betrayed her inexperience.
She did not understand why she had been questioned about penance, but somehow she sensed it was the gate to a life with Christ, together on the road that beckoned: the salvation of her soul and those of many others.
It would mean criticism and rejection by those who knew her as she withdrew from that world into the embrace of penance. At nineteen, she was ready for her future, hidden in the will of Him, who was knocking on the door of her heart.
Friday, May 13, 2011
The Vine
Thursday, April 21, 2011
On Visiting the Graveyard
A spring filled with hesitation
Shivering beneath the cold
Winds that will not warm
Tree branches still bare with
Leaves afraid to unfurl
Bear a silent witness
This Holy Week
Hope is on hold for now.
Up into the gray woods
The babble of brooks unheard
The birds sparse in the trees
Creation bent beneath
The weight of waiting
We visit the tombs
Walking the winding paths
Surrounded by so many names
We know.
Even in death
People congregate together
By religion
Nationality
The common fate of soldiers
The lodges and clubs
A general mix together as
On a summer street.
Does this make for better neighbours
Can one rest more peacefully
Be protected from the unknown
By these associations of
The posted past
Or will the trumpet blast
Send souls scurrying
In all directions
On that fateful judgement day?
But I digress.
So many friends sleep here
Beneath these grass clad slopes
I am overwhelmed by
Their sheer number
How time has slipped by
These souls departed
Resting within us
In tears we pass
Slowly between these graves
Some modest
Others demanding
A skyline of their own.
As we leave the cemetery
A small procession of cars
Their lights blinking
Slowly approaching the gates
Led by the mourner's black van
The driver on the phone
Is he communing with the dead?
Or just the other talking drivers
Alas, there are no voices
In that silent world
Along those wooded paths
Only a heart once known
Can speak
To the heart that is left waiting.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Recollection of Prayer
A dozen years later this practice of the evening rosary was to impress itself on my small person. That summer, my aunt and family had traveled from Edmonton to visit her older sister, my mother. There in the living room of our little house with the summer sun fading from the mountains, we all knelt before the crucifix on the northern wall. The prayers began as usual but soon I was rudely drawn out of my reverie by my Aunt turning towards me and saying that it was my turn to lead a Hail Mary.
I was alarmed and tried to hide behind my mother. Slowly I became aware of a dozen or so pairs of eyes watching me which to my five year old self was a vast multitude of people looking in my direction. I froze in terror as I only knew the first two words having never bothered to learn the rest. It was a gentle rhythmic sound that I had registered, not words.
Thus began the painful process of being fed a few words at a time, to be repeated out loud until with great relief, my part was over and it was the "crowd's" turn to answer. My release from public scrutiny left me on alert in case such attention was shown me again. Alas, my invisible world of daydreaming had suffered a severe shock. I had just survived my first public performance.
I still had my private evening routine to perform under the watchful eye of my mother as I knelt beside my bed, before the hand-tinted painting of the child Jesus with a little bird sitting on his hand, to make contact with my guardian angel whose protection I was taught to request.
I can recall three events of physical danger that needed such angelic help on the small farm we lived on.
The first is remembered more by hearsay, I have only a vague memory of the portable cement mixer passing over my head and down upon the ground, leaving me safely behind in the box on the back of the tractor from whence it had tumbled, heading up too steep a hill.
I do remember being on top of the hay wagon that overturned and left me buried under the hay. Not for long as my father was quick to reach me. Just long enough to feel the panic of suffocation.
The third event was quietly dramatic. I had been watching my brothers doing something with the barn door that ran on metal rollers to open and close. For some reason it came off its mooring and fell straight in my direction. I turned and ran as fast as my little legs would take me and the metal rollers scraped my back as they fell, missing my head by a whisper. Crying loudly and unaware of my close call, I ran into the house to have my wounds tended to, my life being preserved by a matter of inches.
Most of all I recall in that little house, how many times with every childhood illness, my mother rocked me in the blue rocking chair, how one day my little soul was caught up into the arms of the Virgin Mary, who filled me with the greatest tenderness I had ever known.
These recollections live in the timeless world of memory, hand in hand with those loved ones who no longer walk this earth but keep me company on my journey of prayer.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
In Praise of the Confiteor
Filling the silence of winter
With songs so joyful
They
Intent on their nesting
New life into being
The sounds reaching our ears
With springtime unfolding.
I think of the prayer
That has begun the
Greatest Sacrifice repeating
The words that set the tone
Upon a busy week
World events and personal
Losses and gains
Within this life of earthly
Journeys and vanities.
I confess
I am a sinner in
Many ways
Through my choice or neglect
And I humbly ask you
My brethren
To pray for me
In the presence of the saints
That I may one day
Take my place among them.
Alas, there has been another robbery
The hooligan attack on liturgy
Continues
Impoverishing year after year
The Confiteor replaced by other options
Valid it is true as
Options being made to have
A change of pace
But this constant diet of options
Is unwelcome to this soul
The Confiteor interferes with hearing
God's words says the thief
Removing the wax of
Weekly events
Stepping back from sinful ways
Does not apply.
You best be careful, I say in return
That you who chose this course
Will find salvation an option.
Please let my silent song
With the beautiful words whispered
Quietly in God's ear
Herald a spiritual spring
Released from so tight
An icy grasp
Though I still do fly away
Unto a nesting ground
So far above
In praise of words
Confiteor.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Threads
Dark birds winging towards us
Tell of tragic events that hit
The island now so old
Built on the edge and
Shifting plates beneath the sea.
These images hit
First hand pictures
Death and destruction on
Screens of every description
All across this earthen home
We have been born
To share.
Poets, writers take up their craft
The pens and keyboards
The artists colors and sounds
Respond with aching hearts
To put into words
Expressions of our common grief
To make sense of
The suddenness of life's ending
Pieces of our flesh torn away
Felt until our own migration
Beyond the final breath we all
One day will draw.
A few days ago
Picked from a box
Filled with cast offs
I brought home
A Japanese silk kimono
A once cherished possession
Carefully kept in mothballs
Preserved for the next generation
Treasures and smells
That have now been abandoned.
Washed and hung outside
On the covered porch
It waits for spring to make it fresh
Empty in its desolate beauty
Now symbol for so many souls
Gone forth from solid form
Limp in its silken shape
With threads that bind us
Always so close at hand
Hanging silently
In mourning
Outside our winter door.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The Snitch
Curry was a taste foreign to my household, a pungent introduction to a world beyond my family hearth. I, who had no extended family living nearby, found an aunt and uncle in this home with their daughter, six years my elder, a cousin. This modest house lay on the western edge of my little neighbourhood, tucked up against the woods from where I could watch from their large front windows, the many moods of the silvery waters below.
I was enchanted with the girl's bedroom. It was filled with pink frills and fancy dressed china dolls, their places now overshadowed with horse posters everywhere on the walls.
I didn't think much of horses, my love was given to the furry felines who lived in the barn or slept in a box on the back porch. Horses reminded me too much of our cow, or rather her daughter, who was not the maternal mellow Jersey with mild brown eyes and a gentle tan, but black with a smattering of white, and a nasty disposition. She found great delight in chasing me from her pasture or giving me the evil eye. I was happy to make faces at her from behind the safety of the pasture fence.
The horse posters on the bedroom wall of my dear friend did not excite my fancy. I was content to listen to Adrianne extol their virtues and her daydreams of having her own horse one day.
It was before I was old enough to go to school that I first stayed overnight at their house. A grand adventure beyond my familiar. She slept in a feather bed that I crawled into one morning to chat before the day began. As I sank into the feathers I was suddenly filled with the fear that I would smother and never rise again. Not eager to repeat this experience, I kept a respectful distance.
My memory is a jumble of images that are hard to put into a time frame. Somewhere during this time Adrianne found out that she was adopted. This discovery raged through her like a runaway train of anger and her home became a battleground of wills. Was it the previous secrecy she resented or the crisis of identity it brought?
One night her mother drove Adrianne and I to town for her to attend the youth group at their little church at the end of the main street. Her Mom and I dropped her off and went grocery shopping. It was dark by the time we returned to sit parked across from the church waiting for the youth meeting to end.
As we sat there quietly I noticed Adrianne slipping from out of the darkness into a side door and said out loud "there's Adrianne" just in time for her mother to notice her too.
It was not a happy moment. When the church youth group emptied out on to the street Adrianne's mother went to meet her. I could see a heated exchange between them as they headed back to the car.I sat quietly in the middle as they each took their place on either side and we headed towards home in a tense silence.
In those years there was a toll gate on the new bridge across the Kootenay River. We pulled in to the line-up under the glare of the big overhead lights. While waiting our turn Adrianne suddenly turned on me in fury and yelled that I was a lousy little snitch, and lifted her hand to strike me. I still see her mother's arm, my memory forever in slow motion, reaching out to grab her before she struck my cowering figure. This quiet and composed older woman was now fierce to my defense; still holding Adrianne's arm she declared that is was not I who was the offender.
In silence we drove home.
At some point not long after this incident Adrianne ran away, leaving the horse they had just recently bought her lonely in its paddock.
I did not understand why Adrianne was so upset to learn she was adopted. In retrospect, I can now understand that my occasional claims to be adopted when I felt out of sync with all my older siblings, while patiently tolerated by my mother, was possibly just my own way of acting out my grief for my dear lost friend. And yet I felt a loyalty to these kind older people who had tried to raise her and were left with an emptiness I carefully respected.
I stayed with them a few years later while my parents were away. Now it was I who sat in the late afternoon sunshine of their living room, next to the little orange tree with its tiny fruit, chatting to my hearts content. Always welcome to knock on their door, to sit at the piano and try vainly to make sense of it, I think fondly of their kindness all those years ago when my finding the path to their door made them happy too.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Javelin Words
Be like javelins hurled
Up beyond this clouded vale
As monks in ancient times
Solitary in the desert
Sent short prayers into the skies
Vigilant against the numbing attacks
The dark underworld
And the heaviness of mortality.
Artists are accused of melancholy
I recognize the label
While protesting that clouds can
Lie heavy on the mountains too
Blessed are they who mourn
The Master spoke to the crowds one day.
If I do not bend beneath
Time's overwhelming wait
How can I be
Like stars that shine brightly
Across the heavenly orb.
I would my poems
Be a song of praise
Silence
The musical setting
Memory
The faint cry
A life lived in awareness
A spirit that can dance
And a heart that understands
Words that are forever the
Messengers with winged thrust.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
There Comes a February Day
Gray and low in
Dark winter months
Suddenly is invaded
Bright sun sky with blue
Everywhere above
And the sad winter remnants
Illuminated
The earth looking forlorn
In brown dirt garbage
Frozen in night time chill
Ice on the mud puddles
Cracked by children now old
The delight still young
The satisfying sound rippling.
There is a happiness in the air
Creatures all emerging into sunlight
Blinking in unaccustomed brightness
Chatting with old friends
Even unknown strangers
Greeted with friendly nods
Then
In the quiet of the shore
Comes a tinkling sound
The waves hitting thin ice
Against the shore rockiness
Ethereal in sound
Bewitching to the ears
The ice breaking in shards
Glass like into silence
Breaking like sometimes
My heart is wont to do.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Reversals
My life was filled with play
A body flexible and strong
Bending to the shape
Imagination found in far off lands
But inside this youthful casing
An inflexible rod-like view of life
Expectation with how things should be
Peopled with the simple
Solutions only inexperience
Insists reality must comprise.
Now that many years
Have passed through my time
I cannot bend so easily without
Stiffness taking liberty with joints
Inside my mind
The stern rod of expectations
Has given way to softer thoughts
Formed by the drying winds
Remorse and failure
Trampled by the endless foibles
Inhabiting these common shores
People met along this way
Force me to hidden truths that
Make me see beyond these
Constraints of time
Love has softened my hard edges
Made my critical eye less sharp.
Irene once said
No one believes in Jesus anymore,
I am forced to think
Do they know He believes in them?
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Exile of Beauty
How faithful
She is to herself
Her beauty may be marred
By toll of excess
But never of exile.
As the wind blows free
Its tune remains true
Not deviating from its melody
In personal ilk or egoistic chord
Telling God how to run the world
As our church musicians do.
On high tree the raven speaks
There is time for him to be heard
With voice thoughtful
And compelling
How pleasant to be his audience
What he tells I do not know
But he speaks with a voice
I would thrill to hear.
The little bird's endless chirping
From the safety of branch and bush
With circling hawks above
Predators that always hover
Dangerous to their small self
That finds the time to sing.
For these sweet sounds cool
My unhappy discontent
Beaten and bleeding from
All my senses
I can be made to endure cheerfully
This human exile of beauty
I can be made content
Within Nature's sweetening hand.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
A Franciscan Fable
Now a tough little country cat, her life took another turn. A young couple, who had taken note of her plight, adopted her. She became the companion for their young black lab who loved her. Soon afterward they all moved to town. The cat was not pleased. She ran away at every opportunity. Each time she left the property the dog picked her up by the scruff of the neck and brought her back.
The man next door watched this with amusement. He loved animals and as a writer appreciated that Tolkien's Gandalf had said that Saruman never paid enough attention to the animals. He and the young man had many good chats about writing One day the young man, with the cat in his arms, asked if the cat could have a home with him as their rental house had been sold and their new rental would not welcome cats.
The man said yes, as he knew his wife missed their old black cat, who had adopted them when all their children were still at home. This black cat had been very affectionate and with his white collar had been called their faithful priest. It was now been seven years since the cat had died and the couple and their cook had been reluctant to adopt a new pet.
The cook had already met this young cat in her garden a few times. The cat was sporting a punk hair cut, her neck shaved to remove the tangles left from the dog's mouth carrying her home. The cat regarded the cook's garden as her own, the cook the intruder. Being bossed about made the cook a little annoyed. One day the cat accepted some catnip the cook tempted her with and a tentative bond was formed.
When the cat first came to live at their house she was very unhappy. The lady of the house held her close for a long time and said soothing words. She was rewarded by complete loyalty from the cat who slowly settled into her new home. She didn't try to run away. The dog had done her job well.
The man was kept at a distance and the cat acted fearful at any gestures of friendship. As for the cook, well, it was her job to handle the important work of her food. The health problems that their dear black feline had suffered from commercial food made the cook determined to make the cat's food. Many times in that first year the cat left the room with her nose in the air and her food untouched. The cook tried to remain calm and in the end they agreed on a recipe the cat liked.
The cat's life was busy. She spent dawn to dust in the garden. Many a songbird perished beneath her hunter's claws and a few cats wore the scars of them too. As the years passed it was the man who let her out early and fed her, long before the cook was even stirring. The cat allowed such service but gave no compliments. Any gesture was rebuffed, which surprised the man, who had always been friends with cats, and had never known one to be so frightened of him.
The new neighbour in the cat's old house spent years trying to befriend her, but to no avail. She would always take fright and run.
"You would think I beat her" he had said.
Any visitors to the house would cause her to growl like a dog, and then flee in alarm to the basement. Over the years she occasionally warmed to the children and grandchildren, but this was a slow process. One visitor, a man from the American Deep South, did make instant friends with her. He had worked with mules when he was young.
One day after nine years of ignoring the man, despite his long and patient service, she noticed him. Up into his lap she climbed, and purred contentedly. The man was mystified but pleased. This happy arrangement continued. Later that year, a son of St. Francis of Assisi came to the diocese to be the new bishop. Aha, thought the man, the mystery is solved. St. Francis had told the cat long before we heard the news.
In the first year, the bishop in his long brown robe and white cord belt visited the house. The cat was nowhere to be seen.
The second year the bishop visited, he and the cat's people had sat in the warm sunshine in the garden. Entering by the back door the bishop came up beside the big chair where the cat was sleeping and standing over her said hello. She leaped from the chair, with feet loudly scrambling on the bare floor, and disappeared into the basement.
In the third year there came a young Capuchin friar who visited every week for three months. The cat's people would chat and visit with him over a meal and the cat took to lurking in the doorways and sneaking into the room. She was thinking things over.
That Christmas the bishop came three times to the house. The first time the cat beat a hasty retreat out of the living room in response to his greeting. The bishop laughed and sat in his chair, and like the young Capuchin friar, enjoyed the homemade ale that the man made from Belgium malted barley. Under cover of conversation the cat inched her way back into the room and managed to sniff the hem of his robe when he was pretending not to notice. Then he playfully dangled his white Franciscan cord for her to see. She kept her distance but she looked very, very interested.
When he returned three days later, the solemnity of Christmas lay upon the world. The cat had been busy elsewhere and was not in the room. The bishop had many things on his mind. His purpose was to bring the greetings of this feast day in person. It was also to let the man tell him some of the many things he had never yet told the bishop or any of his predecessors. Within this atmosphere of grace the hour unfolded.
The cook, listening quietly, noticed the cat carefully entering the room to where the bishop sat in his chair, his arm resting, with his hand hanging down close to her height. Carefully she approached him and sniffing the tips of his fingers she gently raised her nose, put it against his ring and paused.
"Oh, my" thought the cook in amazement. The cat has just kissed the bishop's ring."
The third visit was the day of Epiphany, the great feast of three. The bishop came to wish the man many happy returns on this, the day of the man's birthday, which marked three quarters of a century. In the quiet conversation and good will, the cat stealthily approached the bishop as he sat in his chair with his feet on the footstool, and like a little Magdalene, she quietly kissed his feet. Thus satisfied, she retreated to a chair to sit content.
This made the cook think of St. Francis, who, when he preached of peace, always included the animals.