Gods Plan Not Mine

Ok so after learning I had MTHFR (a genetic mutation), I read up as much as I possibly could so that when I went back for the saline sono (which went fine) yesterday I could asked TONS of questions! It's seems that this specific mutation is quite common (mainly in Caucasians), especially the one I have. I am heterozygous C677T, which means I only have one mutation on one part of the gene. This is considered a thrombophilia (blood clotting disorder). Basically my body doesn't properly absorb folate, such as folic acid. Seems simple enough. But having read up on it I've learned that there is much controversy over treatment for this mutation. It seems half of the doctors don't even believe it's the cause and won't treat it. The other half treat it, but all have different ways of doing so.

The most common treatment seems to be taking A LOT of extra folic acid, usually 4-5mg compared to the 400mcg recommended daily along with some extra B6 and B12. This is usually accomplished by prescribing something like Foltx, Folex or Folgard, which are all basically the same thing. From here however, is where Dr's tend to veer away from each other. Some prescribe Lovenox or Heperin shots either before or after conceiving, some say to take baby aspirin, while others prescribe progesterone!! Then half of them say to be on it for at least 2 months while your body absorbs it and others say it doesn't matter!! And all of these things work different for everyone so who knows what's really working!!!? I have been put on Folex and prenatal vitamins but my RE doesn't believe the shots or baby aspirin are necessary. I think my RE is an awesome guy and although I'm going to side with him about the shots I think I'm still going to take the baby aspirin. Hey it can't hurt. Without sounding too negative, I figure if the next pregnancy isn't successful I'll demand the shots the next time.

I am trying to be positive that the next time we try (I'm waiting until the end of summer), my husband and I will be able to carry a baby to term. I have decided that I'm not going to try and research too much more on the internet because it just scares the crap out of me!! Half of these women lose their babies so late. I asked my RE if late term miscarriages have a correlation with MTHFR and he said no but that's not what I am seeing with all these women!! Ugh! Ok so as you see the trying to be positive thing is pretty difficult...lol.

On a side note I am doing acupuncture every Mon and have started taking herbs (NASTY) this past week. It may sound silly but this is the one thing I'm doing that makes me feel positive. Perhaps it's because I feel like I'm doing everything I can!

So I got a call from the RE today!!! He said that the b/w came back and that I have MTHFR! It was a very brief conversation as I am going to see him on Thurs for the saline sono and I already have TONS of questions!!! All I know is that it is a genetic mutation that causes blood clots due to a lack of my body to produce enough folic acid and Vitamin B. He made it seem so simple....just take some Folgard. But I've read up a little and it doesn't seem that easy. There are different types (or mutations) and he didn't tell me which one I have so I can't even specifically research it just yet. I so badly wanted an answer and now that I have one I'm not really sure how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I know, but I guess I'm just still registering it all.

I so badly want to know specific numbers. Like how often do women diagnosed with MTHFR carry to term? Is this a simple fix? Or do we still have a long road ahead of us? If any of you ladies have any knowledge or info about this please fill me in!! I am dying to find out as much information as I can.

After my last MC, it took a little while for my HCG to go down and things were on hold until we were able to determine if it would occur naturally. At my last RE appt, they did the b/w and the Doc gave me the prescription for the rest (which I felt was optimistic!) Well the next day I got a call from the nurse and she said HCG was negative and to go get the b/w done and call to schedule an appt once AF arrived. So AF arrived and I called and told the woman who answered that I was told to call and make an appt. She asked me what cycle I was on, which confused the heck out of me and so I explained this was not IVF and I was seeing the RE for recurrent miscarriage. Assuming that she understood, I went to the appt she scheduled for me today at 8:45am (thankfully I happened to have the day off or really woulda been ticked). So my mom comes with me and we get called in to the sono room and the lady asked what day and I say CD 2 and she looks at me all confused and goes to talk to the Doc. We then get called in to see him and he says he is going to do a saline sono but can't do that until AF is over!!! Then I think well at least I can get my b/w results.....but nooooo those aren't in!!! I did them over a week ago!! So why am I there??? I believe I did a VERY thorough job explaining to the woman who scheduled the appt because I got the impression she was confused. So basically I woke up crazy early on my day off and drove a half hour to an appt that wasn't even necessary! I go back on Thurs for the saline sono. I do have a question however. I am all new to this and am not sure what steps other women have taken. What is the CD 3 b/w? Because that would be tomorrow and the Doc has said nothing about it. Maybe I'm not asking the Doc enough questions. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

On a completely different note. I have been reading other women's blogs ever since I lost the 2nd baby and had always considered starting my own. Needless to say I am thrilled that I did!! This outlet has been so incredibly uplifting for me!! Not just have I been able to express myself to people who actually understand, but the encouragement I've recieved in such a short time is just amazing!! There are some truly wonderful strong women on here and I am so thankful for them. What a blessing!!

I woke up to some pretty hefty cramps this morning and AF is finally back! Crazy that at one point I was dying for it not to be there and now I'm happy!! So I have an appt with the RE tomorrow to do some more tests. But don't ask me what as I have no idea. Hopefully he'll have gotten my bloodwork back and we can go over that. Just getting my period gets me both excited and nervous about being one step closer to trying again. I want so badly for the blood tests to show something that is nice and simple to fix....but what woman who's gone through this doesn't hope for the same thing!?

I work outside and because of this unbelievably crappy June weather I was stuck in the office today. And of course a woman who used to work here comes in and announces she's pregnant and starts proudly showing her first sono pics!! It's so sad that my first thought is, "I should have sono pics!" I should just be happy for her and not think about myself but that seems impossible. Instead I do my best to keep on a smile and the first moment I get, duck into my office and fight back tears! The site of pregnant women used to get me so excited and now it just breaks my heart!!! Does this ever get any easier???

So I guess today has been another one of those up and down days that I've become so familiar with since this whole thing started.

The month of May had to have been one of the longest most difficult months of my life. I lost my second baby late at night on the 29th and it was just the beginning. The phyical results of the loss stayed with me for a complete 3 weeks while it feels like the emotional side is only just beginning to heal. Only 3.5 weeks after the miscarriage, my grandmother passed away. She was a truly amazing person and she was so excited when I told her I was pregnant! I still miss her a ton! On top of this ,I found out that my sister in law who I love so very much is pregnant and due 6 days after our baby was due!!! She had IVF and has triplets and it is just such a blessing that the Lord would allow her to conceived a child naturally!! And although I could never be unhappy for her, I just keep thinking about how fun it would be to be pregnant together or how her baby is the same size/age as ours should be. Yet no matter how hard things became, how angry I become with God or the situation, his grace was sufficient enough to get me through. No matter how often I felt like I just couldn't face the day, He was there to lift me up and carry me on.

Although June has gotten off to a rougher start (darn weather) than I would have hoped, I am looking forward to this month with vigor!!! I am seeing my RE, getting acupuncture and praying daily for the Lord's continued strength, whatever his plan is for us. Don't get me wrong I am absolutely petrified of trying again....but with God all things are possible (Matt 19:26).

After marrying my amazing husband in September of 2007 we decided we wanted to be married for at least a year before starting a family. We figured out what we thought would be a good time, taking our careers into consideration and began this crazy ride into TTC in January of this year. Thinking it would take some time we weren't really expecting the BFP that we got after the first month!!! I lost that baby at exactly 5 weeks. I had only just found out the day before I was pregnant when the cramps and spotting started. I was heartbroken of course but positive this was a one time thing. I mean that's what everyone was telling me so it must have been true. We took the month off and started trying again in March. Lo and behold I got pregnant. This time I knew for about 2 weeks and had shared the news with our families on my birthday!! I began spotting the day I went for my first appt with the Midwife and was told not to worry it was common. That night I lost our baby at 6wks 3days. Although both losses were difficult, the second one was a lot harder on me. Everybody suddenly wasn't so reassuring. And suddenly I was teetering very close to the recurrent miscarriage category (or was in it depending on who you ask).

I am now just beginning my adventure into starting a family. I am realizing that regardless of what my plans may have been, they apparently are not what God has in mind for my husband and I. My midwife suggested I see an RE which I gladly agreed with and am in the process of trying to determine if something is causing these losses. I have only recently gone and gotten way too many viles of blood drawn and am waiting for the return of AF before I go back for more tests.

During this entire process I have found support through so many other women and their blogs. I am hoping that I may be able to help someone the way that this outlet has helped me. I am also hoping that I can find a place to share what I'm feeling while going through this sad and scary process.