Gods Plan Not Mine

So I have a story only you women can appreciate. I work as a Coastal Biologist in Long Island, NY. During the busy season (March-Sept), I hire on staff to help out with our Threatened & Endangered Species Program. The boy I hired (C), started about a month earlier than the 2 other girls. I was unknowingly pregnant when he started and after needing to pee constantly (there are no bathrooms open at the beaches in March/April) things got a little strange pretty fast as we just met. After I finally learned that I was pregnant I ended up telling him as the peeing issue became an even bigger deal because I got a UTI. So sadly he also learned of the miscarriage.

Yesterday his girlfriend came to pick him up as they only have one car and although I had met her and seen her at least 3 other times since the miscarriage she said "How are you feeling?". I've had some pretty bad migraines lately and had assumed C had mentioned that to her. So I said, "I'm feeling much better, head hasn't really even hurt today." AND SHE SAYS, "NO I MEAN THIS" AND TOUCHED MY BELLY!!!!!!! I guess C told her when I was preggo but not that I had lost it!!!!!! In all honesty I didn't get sad or mad like I would have expected. Instead I was just so worried about how bad she felt when I told her we lost it. I started babbling about anything just to make her feel better. It was seriously the MOST awkward experience I have ever had. I mean to still think I'm preggo is one thing, but to touch my belly?! And as she is talking her way out of it with a bright red face, I am thinking "DO I LOOK 5 MONTHS PREGNANT????", so I start sucking in my stomach hahahaha. But seriously she was so very sorry and after all I have been through it was more funny (not for her I'm sure) than anything else. I spoke with C today and he said he got screamed at on the car ride home. I figured that was gonna happen...lol. So I like to take the fact that I found it humorous as a sign of my getting stronger and moving forward.

On the TTC front, Hubby and I met with the RE yesterday and have decided that we are going with the clomid. We will go in on CD 3 (should be around 8/5) for a baseline U/S and then start taking it through CD 5-10, at which point I'll be camping upstate, so lets hope it doesn't make me to crazy or cranky. Thank you to the ladies who gave me their ideas and opinions on the matter, it really did assist us in our decision.

Ok so my title is a bit possesive and the use of the word ladies makes us sound a little old...but this is how I've gotten used to referring to all of you wonderful women to my hubby :). I just wanted to thank you all so very much for lifting me up during the very emotional weekend I had. That Saturday was extremely difficult and I could barely keep from crying and certainly couldn't eat! But my SIL is such a caring and wonderful person, that even if someone brought up the baby she would quickly change the subject. I am blessed to have her as part of my life! And if someone just didn't get it, I would just walk away and find something else to do. I have 10 nieces and nephews on my hubby's side and they are all so fantastic. The SIL is who is pregnant is the one who had triplets through IVF and seeing them was so great!! They have gotten so big!!

So by Sunday I was doing much better (still emotional of course) and was able to enjoy myself and all the kids. But seriously, without having this outlet and getting your caring responses, I don't think I could have handled it as well. I am amazed at how close I hold many of you to my heart and how much you show you care for me even though we have never met! Thanks a TON!!!

Oh God I can't do this! We are about 5 min out and my anxiety has completely taken over! I am sick to my stomach and can't stop crying! Didn't realize it would be THIS hard! How am I going to get through this weekend?!

So the past couple of days have been pretty tough, all because of what I have planned for this weekend. Hubby and I are headed to Buffalo (ugh) for my FIL's retirement party. Usually when I go to the IL's I have a hard time because it's as though my hubby turns into a completely different person. They are very conservative baptists, and it seems that they tend to do things separate as male and female groups rather then together. So often times when we head upstate I don't even get to see my hubby much, which is so not the way things are at home (or how I was raised for that matter). Now add to this the fact that my SIL is pregnant and due 6 days after we were!! I love this SIL so very much and she is preggo after having triplets via IVF after having tried for 3 years!!! So this is a miracle baby in all reality. And if she were just one month before or after our due date, although it would still be hard, it would make me feel so much better. The thing is I know this sounds so infantile, yet I can't seem to make the fear of seeing her pregnant belly and hearing everyone talk about it not eat me up inside....AND I'M NOT EVEN THERE YET!!! The last thing I want to do is make my SIL feel bad. And it's not really her I'm worried about as she has been through so much pain of her own and knows how I am feeling. It's everyone who has no idea who will be talking about it with excitement and God forbid asking hubby and I when we will start having kids!!! And as I mentioned, I will be with all women most of the time so you know it's going to happen. Usually my hubby is the only person (besides God) who can make me feel better, so he promised to try harder to spend more time with me.

So I was wondering if you ladies would mind praying for me this weekend? I want so badly to be able to focus on this little miracle and not be selfish and think only of myself. Please pray that the Lord gives me peace and compassion so that I can enjoy my time with family and not hurt my SIL's feelings.

So I got a call from Dr. L today and he told me that the endometrial biopsy results came back normal. He reiterated that I could start clomid to boost my eggs if I were interested. As I stated in my previous post my hubby and I figured we would go without this time around and if God forbid we lost another baby we would do the clomid next time. When I told Dr. L what our plan was, he seemed to hesitate a bit then said, "Ok that sounds fair". It was almost like I could hear the disappointment in his voice!! As soon as I hung up the phone I regretted not asking him more questions. So now hubby and I seem to be going back and forth on our decision to skip the clomid this time around. We have decided that I am going to call Dr. L back and make an appt to meet with him and discuss the clomid option. He is a very upfront and honest person and so we are just going to ask him straight out if he thinks we should take the clomid. I'm not really sure why we had decided not to take it. Perhaps we just want to believe that this next time will be our time. But now we aren't sure if we should pass up any opportunity to help us carry a baby to term.

It's so tough. On one side I feel like I am being pessimistic by just thinking about this next pregnancy not being successful, but then of course I need to be realistic and consider that it may happen. So do I take the Clomid or not? Right now we are leaning towards taking it. I fear that if we don't and I do lose another baby, I will alwasy doubt myself for not having done all I could. Hopefully I will have more of a solid decision once we talk with Dr. L again. But any advice or opinions are greatly appreciated.

So I just got home from my endometrial biopsy and all I've got to say is UGH!! I thought about what I should write about it, and figured honesty would probably be most appreciated. Once we got there and the Dr (whom I LOVE) started the procedure he explained that my cervix would not open wide enough for the catheter!!! So he would have to give me a local anesthetic (aka a shot!!!!) to numb the area so that he could open my cervix wider!!! Seriously???? So after getting a needle in my hooha he forced his way in and it hurt like heck! The only positive was that once inside it was pretty short. Needless to say I am sure a tiny cervix isn't a common problem so this is not the norm. But I did take a pain med before going and I suggest that anyone going for this test do the same!!!

Once he finished up, Dr L told me to take a bit and stretch before meeting him in the office. I had such horrible cramps that I sat up and brought my knees in, but then started feeling a little dizzy so decided to lay back down. After a few minutes I felt a bit better and went to get dressed. As soon as I put my pants on, it hit me!!! My hubby saw my face go white and brought me to the bathroom. I had the worse case of cold sweats ever and as I sat on the bathroom floor, wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or throw up. Being the fabulous person he is, Hubby got some cold wet napkins and put them on my face. It helped soooo much and after about 5 minutes my color started to come back. The wonderful nurses brought me some water and even helped me drink it because I was shaking so much. I really do love the people at this office! Dr. L explained to me that though rare, sometimes folks have a reaction to the lidocaine and it causes there blood pressure to drop rather quickly. Naturally this had to happen to me!! But luckily this is my last test!!!

After all was said and done he told me the results would be in within the week and also informed me that our chromosome tests came back finally and everything was normal!! Woohoo!! These were the tests I was most concerned with! I definitely am having some pretty intense cramping but so far no spotting so that's good. Dr. L also told us that even if the tests came back normal that we can consider going on clomid. I think hubby and I decided that we will give it a try without (as long as the test comes back normal) and if Lord forbid we lose another baby we will than take it the next time around. So for now I just keeping taking my many pills and nasty herbal tea and wait until the end of summer.

I signed on to my blog a little while ago with the purpose of writing about having "one of those days". I found out that yet another friend is pregnant and am going for my endometrial biopsy tomorrow and a little nervous. But before I could write anything, I came upon one of the blogs I follow, and found out that she has just lost her 3rd baby. Suddenly all of my concerns are gone and all I can think of is what this poor woman is going through and how she feels. I know that God has a plan for her, but I just wish there were some way I can make these next couple of weeks easier. For me, I found that the most difficult times were those 3-4 weeks following the miscarriage. Every day you wait for the bleeding to stop so that you just don't have that constant daily reminder! It's amazing that I have never met the ladies I read about on this blog, but I feel like I know some of you better than my real life friends. Every night I pray for so many of you, and find peace in knowing that many of you are doing the same for me.