Gods Plan Not Mine

I'm mad that I can't just get pregnant & be excited.  I'm mad that I'm obsessed w/checking the TP after every wipe.  I'm mad that I overanalyze every cramp & twinge in my body.  I'm mad that my numbers although still good, didn't double & now I'm obsessed.  I'm mad that just because I have one miracle everyone now thinks I'm overreacting!  I'm just plain mad. 

I went back to the RE today for my 2nd blood draw & while I was there they decided to do a sono as my numbers were so high they were sure they would see something.  I was terrified.  I wanted my hubby there with me in case anything went wrong & just kept texting him.  Well, they did the sono & saw a yolk sac right where it belongs!  One obstacle down.  When I went in to see the Dr. he stated that I have some subcuntaneous bleeding that could cause spotting & not to worry.  Not to worry???!!!  Seriously?? I came home & googled the word a thousand times!  He explained that it could just be from the embryo burrowing & the blood has to go somewhere.  Ugh.  Then he went on to explain it was not an issue...unless later on it got between the baby & the uterus.  Ummmm ok then why even mention it?  I make up enough to worry about on my own!!  Finally he said that he wanted to see my numbers more than double as it's been 3 days since my last.

I got the call at noon that my HCG was 4593.  This number is still amazing for 19 dpo but it didn't even double in 3 days.  It has a doubling time of 84hrs!  The nurse said it was great & they'd see me on 9/8 for my next sono.  Well now all I've been doing is worrying.  I'm not sure if I should call back for a third just for a peace of mind.  I googled (of course) & a lot of the sites say that once the level is passed 1200 it doubles every 72-96 hrs.  But I just can't get it out of my head that the Dr specifically said he wants to see it more than doubled.

All I know is I was so hoping to just get pregnant & not worry.  Who was I kidding?!  Why couldn't the stupid numbers just double at least???!!!  Why can't there be no talk of spotting & what it might mean for me?!  I'm exhuasted & nauseous to all heck, but no boob pain or anything else.  I can't will the 8th to get here fast enough, yet at the same time I'm so afraid to find out bad news.  How am I in this position again?!  The whole thing seems so unfair & I'm mad.  I'm sorry if I am overreacting & thank you for still being a place that I can come to & vent.

Ok so I went in this morning & they just called w/my first numbers & they are GREAT!  Like super high!  Today I am 16 dpo & my beta is 2543, progesterone 22!  I just checked out what it was for Addy & @ 17 dpiui it was 1378.  I thought that was high!  So I go back Monday (as long as Hurricane Irene doesn't close us down) for my second beta & then on Thurs 9/1 for our first sono!  This all seems surreal!  Thank you ladies for keeping me in your prayers & all your kinds words.  It seems so weird to be going through all of this again.  I am trying so hard to remain positive & trust the Lord.  Good thing I'll be distracted (hopefully not too much) by Irene & packing.  Will update soon.

Man this is the most I've written in a while!!  I've missed you gals!

Ok so I've been out of town in an area w/no internet & DYING because boy do I have some updates for you ladies!  First I wanted to thank you all for your kinds words on my last post.  Still after 3 yrs you are here for me & I couldn't be more grateful. 

So I ended up going to the RE & they could not find a cause for my pain.  They did a sono, exam & bloodwork but said it was after I ovulated & that could be why.  So he wanted to follow me through a cycle to see if he could pin it down.  I explained that we were trying & was left with instructions to call if I happened to get pregnant or when I got my period to go in for CD 3 blood work.

During the 2WW we learned that my hubby did indeed get a transfer & that we would be moving in 28 short days.  We need to find a place to live & pack all in that time.  So upstate we went & spent 5 days driving around finding NOTHING.  We were so stressed & looked at some real dives.  I mean these places were absurd & not a home at all.  Finally on our second to last day we went to a place that was originally $250 more & she went down.  It is 4 bedrooms, w/a massive (& I mean massive) finished attic that will become a playroom & 1/2 an acre yard!  Upstate is absolutely nothing like Long Island so I was nervous to end up in the sticks without any possibility to find new friends.  But the town we will be moving too is actually populated & I'm right around the block from the library!  I LOOOVE libraries!  Hubby's office is also just around the corner & not 1.5 hrs away like now!  HOLY COW he'll be home so much more.

And you want to know why his being home more will be so much more important???!!!  Because I AM PREGNANT!!  Yeah that's right!  Crazy isn't it?  I tested while we were upstate staying @ hubby's brothers & it was postive!  It was absolutely the last thing I expected!  I had to pee @ 5:45am & decided to see.  Needless to say we did not fall back to sleep.  I wanted so bad to come share the news with you ladies & ask for prayers.  I hated not having internet.  I am so excited, yet terrified.  Thankfully because I went to the RE for the ovulations pains, I get to go back for my betas & early sonos!!  We don't move til the 12th so I'll at least get one sono in before we go.  We didn't get home until 2am last night, so I finally go & get some numbers tomorrow & boy am I anxious.  I took the positive test on Mon so you can imagine the wait is killing me.  I do not feel pregnant & am trying so hard not to obsess.  I am certainly bloated & gassy, but my boobs do not hurt & that is the one thing I remember w/Adelyn.  But every pregnancy is different right?  Ok now I think I'm must talking myself down from the ledge.  Please pray that God allows us to carry this little one to term.  Adelyn would be such an amazing big sister.  If you could please also pray for our move.  If this pregnancy does succeed & is anything like Adelyn, these next couple of weeks will be tough.  Throwing a move in there should be interesting.

     I hope everyone else is doing well.  I know there are some of you still praying for your miracle babies, suffering loss or trying for #2 & you are ALWAYS in my prayers.

Yup that's right.  After almost 2 years of being away I go back @ 8:15am tomorrow & I am a wreck.  All day I have been emotional just thinking about the last time I was there & so much of what I've been through just comes flooding back.  I've tried to explain to my mom & hubby but they don't get it.  And that's when I thought of all of you!  So here's the backstory.

I got my period back when Adelyn turned 6 months.  Because I was still BFing it was pretty irregular but at some point in between I kept getting really bad cramps.  But not like cramps, as they were more of a shooting pain that started by my left ovary & went down my leg.  They are excruciating & come in waves.  Around the 3rd time this had happened I realized it was while I was ovulating but still convinced myself it had to do w/BFing. Because they only happen for a short time they are easy to forget about when it's over.  I assumed it had to do with BFing & once I stopped last month, I still had the pain but only once & for about 15 min.  Now when I say excruciating I'm not kidding.  When it happens I am incapable of standing up, nonetheless, taking care of Adelyn.  Luckily, it has happened a few times while hubby is home, but not every time. 

Once I stopped BFing my period came back right on track & hubby & I have decided to try for #2.  This decision alone is terrifying as I'm sure many of you can imagine.  We did an IUI for Addy but felt confident that w/the baby aspirin & Folbic prescription that we would hopefully not suffer any losses.  Of course I second guess this decision a thousand times a day, but I need to trust my body & that God will be there to help us through.  So this month we have actively been trying.  Using OPK, temping, the whole nine.  Well after doing the deed the other night I was woken up @ 3am with the worst pain ever!!!   Sadly, this proved my theory wrong about it being due to BFing. I was up for 2 hours in so much pain I was sick to my stomach.  After taking some tylenol & putting heat on it, it subsided enough for me to fall back to sleep (for an hr before Addy woke).  I hoped that it was over but I just kept getting the pain.  I called my midwife who didn't seem too concerned w/it but after a full day I called my RE's office.  I explained what was going on & they told me to come in tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm overreacting but here I am trying to get pregnant again & doing my best to trust my body & am filled with so much doubt.  What if we lose another baby?  What will I do?  What if something else is wrong?  It would be so unfair.  I thought we figured out my problem.  I don't know.  I'm just so all over the place & returning to the RE when I didn't think we'd have to is so very hard.  I know that some of you are still fighting for your miracles & I don't mean to come across as ungrateful or borrowing trouble, but the truth is I'm scared.  I'm scared & once again no one IRL gets it.  They all think that once Addy got here it all goes away.  I forget what I went through & stop worrying about it.  And maybe I should, but I can't.  So please, keep me in your prayers as I am in our first 2WW & have no idea what is going on with these intense ovulation pains.  I want to be positive but my mind just keeps going back to all the things that can go/be wrong.  Hopefully I'll have some answers tomorrow.

So Adelyn's SMO's came in a week early & she's been wearing them for 5 days now.  We started off wearing them 1 hr the first day, 2 hrs the second, etc.  By day 7 she will be wearing them full time.  They are so much smaller than I thought & she is handling them quite well.  We are still going to PT & go on the 10th to see a different Orthopedic just to get a 2nd opinion & have someone who will check up on how she is handling the braces as she wears them.  Here are some pics of what they look like so you have an idea.  Please pray that they are able to help her as she so badly wants to start walking!