Gods Plan Not Mine

Ok so instead of posting only about TTC & the sad news that once again I got a BFN, I have decided to write about my little love & something that gives me great joy.  Our Mommy group.

When I moved upstate I was terribly lonely & knew if I didn't find a way to get out of the house soon, I would get stuck in a rut.  Back on LI, I knew a mom who joined a mommy group using meetup.com.  I stored this info but didn't really need it as I was blessed w/many friends who had babies around the same time as me.  But when I got up here I rememberd it & decided to take a look.  I found a group of SAHM in my county & signed up.  Our first date was the weekly reading program at the library.  Believe it or not 2 other moms had also just signed up & it was there first "play date" as well.  We ended up introducing ourselves & over a few weeks met some of the other members.  I have to say I never imagined that I would make so many wonderful, kind & loving friends so very fast.  One of the 2 girls I met that first day has become one of my closest friends & her gorgeous baby girl is only a month younger than Addy.  We do a lot together & I am so very grateful for her friendship. 

As w/any group there are those you are closer to or just hit it off more with, but I have to be honest there are not many who aren't just great.  Three of the women are Christians which is always a blessing.  One of them invited us to her church (hubby is the assistant Pastor) & after trying 8 others we think this is the one.  Finding a new church after leaving one you LOVED is not easy & this group has even helped me do that!  We can do anywhere from 1-4 playdates a week.  Not all of them are via the website as some of us prefer the smaller groups or are just closer to others & invite a select few to do some things.  But we have done so much & learned a ton about our new area.  We have been to a bounce place, library events, holiday parties, the mall play area, the Museum of Play & so much more! 

I have confided in those women I am close to about our losses & our struggles & am so thankful to have their support as we TTC baby #2.  Because this has been a tough week, these women have made sure to keep me busy & we have done something every day this week!  Did I mention how much I love these ladies?!  Addy has such a great time & talks about her friends ALL DAY LONG!  She is learning so much from being around them & mommy is getting to have adult conversation!  So instead of wallowing in sadness & wondering what exactly God is doing, I am focusing on the positive. On the many blessings He has given me & continues to give.  AF is due Fri/Sat & we will do another clomid/IUI cycle & hope for the best.  And instead of stressing, I will be w/hubby in Puerto Rico a week from today celebrating the marriage of our best friends to one another!  Not sure how I'll manage 5 long days w/out my little love but I'm hoping to be busy.  I don't know His timing but I know it's better than mine (even if I tend to wish it weren't).  So when the time is right we will get/stay pregnant again.  Addy was worth the wait & I know our next baby will be too.

P.S.  I do have to say that trying to remain positive is much easier when you don't hear about losers like Snooki getting pregnant.  Urgh!

So here I am in another two week wait.  Even though it has been 4 months since we lost Poppy, sometimes I just still can't believe I'm back here again.  In the past week, two women who I adore have informed me of their 2nd losses.  One dear friend did IVF both times only to lose both babies before 6 weeks.  When these women come to me & I am able to help them because I have been open & up front about my losses (despite some people not being comfortable with this), I am reaffirmed that my angel babies were not for nothing.  They have given me the ability to comfort these women & give them hope.  One of them have said how she feels bad for her husband because if he had married someone else, then their babies would be alive.  I don't know about you, but boy did I ever deal with this guilt.  Or the feeling that they are too scared to try again or they may never become a mom.  I know I didn't believe people when they told me it would happen for me, but did I ever hold on to that hope & appreciate their optimism.  Because of my losses, I can be that person to these ladies & I am grateful they have felt comfortable enough to come to me.  I do ask that you  please keep Jen & Kate in your prayers.  They are both such lovely women & will make amazing parents.

I am now 2dpiui & dealing w/some slight OHSS.  After my previous IUI's, I have dealt w/some cramping but never like this.  I ended up w/3 mature follicles all in my right ovary & that is definitely the side that is hurting.  Because the follicles were so big by CD 12 (24mm, 17mm & 16mm) they had me trigger that night & had the IUI done on CD13.  Hubby was a rock star as well, so I am really hoping this is our month.  I start progesterone & lovenox tomorrow & can't express to you just how much I HATE needles.  After hearing from Tracy & doing some research, I have decided to go ahead w/the HCG injections once we get a positive as well.  I also went in on CD11 & did the intralipid IV treatment.  I am definitely over being poked & prodded after this week!  Let's hope all this craziness helps us get & STAY pregnant.  "Only" 12 more days to go (that is if I can hold out POS prior to that).     

 Ok so we had a consult with our new RE's office on the 30th & boy was it ever different. It is a center that focuses on both eastern & western medicine. The building is ridiculously gorgeous with fireplaces going & leather couches. But they are not snooty at all & were soooo beyond nice to Adelyn. They brought toys out for her & when we ended up there longer than planned went out of there way to get her crackers that were dairy free. On one side of the building is your typical RE's office (once you leave the plush waiting room). On the other is a whole other world. They have tons of treatment rooms for acupuncture, facials, & massages. They also have a small salon type room for mani/pedis. They also hold support & yoga classes there. While there they had one going on w/mom's & babies. Just a room full of miracles!!! Downstairs they have this amazing cafe too!!! It is wild!  If you want check it out at www.cnyfertility.com.  You can also read up on some stuff I will talk about in this post.

We ended up meeting w/two nurses as the Dr was out of town. They were both so super friendly & we did the typical intake stuff. After everything, they went over what they do for recurrent pregnancy loss. It's intense to say the least. First they suggest clomid/IUI, which my old RE did as well (hence Adelyn). It has been shown in numerous research that clomid has benefited women suffering from RPL. The IUI is merely to speed up the process. The way we look at it, why wait 2,3,4 months to get pregnant only to loose it. Morbid I know. Not for everyone, I agree. But it worked for us once & I'm hoping it will work for us again. Now the rest of this is where things get a bit different. The first thing they do is something called an Intralipid treatment via an IV for something like an hour. I won't go into super detail about why/what it does but it is supposed to fight antibodies. Those we currently know about & those that may not have been discovered & could be causing miscarriages. If you're interested (& let me tell you it is interesting) check out this link http://www.carefertility.com/ivf/viewtopic.php?t=39200. I've read up & I believe it makes sense & we are going to be doing it the week of ovulation & if we get pregnant 4 wks after the first treatment. They want me on progesterone 2 dpuiu. I'm up in the air with this one. I know it can't hurt but it made me sooo sick. They suggested Crinone (gel) & said it is known to have less side effects. Has anyone taken this? Is it true? They also include lovenox into the protocol. To be honest, I'm not sure if this is just for me as I have MTHFR or they do it for everyone, as they laid it all out as if it were their standard protocol.  Currently, I have agreed to do it, but we will see. And lastly, the one I struggle with the most & to be honest haven't researched, so I can't say my opinion is educated.  They have RPL patients take HCG shots after confirming a positive pregnancy. I don't know the reasoning behind it but w/everything included it seems a bit much. I also have to say that with the office offering eastern medicine, I am surprised at the level of invasiveness. Part of me thinks, well I just got pregnant with Addy on clomid/IUI, it worked so just stick with it. The other part thinks, what if you lose it & this stuff could've helped??? I do need to stress that in no way are they pushing anything on me. They have informed me of what options I have & said that they will support whatever I decide.

I am on CD 2 & go in Mon for my baseline & bloodwork. I have tons of questions to ask & more research to do. I will also start clomid on Mon as well. IUI looks like it will be around the 17th. In hindsight, I am so very grateful we took the month of Jan off. It was very difficult to do, but I know that we were not ready to take on all this information in addition to working on our marraige & TTC.