8*12*11

It's been over a year since my last post. Not because I've spent the last year with nothing on my mind, or my grief is over. That's definatley not the case.

In fact, today is a terrible day with grief.
I wish grief would just go f*** it self.

We delivered our second baby girl, Hannah, 8 months ago. She's breathtakingly beautiful. However, with her birth has come a whole new round of grief.

Wow... this is what I really missed out on. I'm so f****** mad that I'll never know Grace like I know Hannah.

Every first, every new thing... we'll never see it. We'll never comfort her, hear her, know her little facial expressions, what makes her happy or sad, her fav foods, ... or anything else. All i have is tainted memories and a box of stuff.

I wanna hold her in my arms.... I want to and I can't. It's not fair.

And I'm soooooooooo beyond tired of non blms who just don't get it and complain and complain about pregnancy and their babies.  It's not that I wish being a blm on anyone... i just wish sometimes that other people had just an ounce of perspective about how amazingly beautiful each moment of pregnancy and motherhood is.

I am a mother to Grace, but I'll never be her parent... I hate that.

Anyways... sorry for the rant... I just know this is a safe place to vent. You guys get it. I'm so sorry that you get it, that you understand, but you do.